I suddenly feel so alone

My head weighs a tonne and every muscle in my back is aching so bad it feels like I walked back from Europe.

I look around me and suddenly realize that people who were once so close in proximity to me are now gone and I feel so alone.

I am still fatigued and probably need another full day of sleep but I just feel so alone.

1 Peter 4: 7-10

The end of al things is at hand: therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded fo the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a git, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Amen.

Amsterdam

I'm heading to korscenbroich this evening. Amsterdam was literally a whirlwind and sometimes when I travel it feels like time freezes itself as I sprint around. For example if ibleft home on the 25th of July I almost expect it to still be that date when I next return home. I'm strange that way.

It's lonely and I'm thankful gor technology and most of all, my constant companion Jesus Christ. Nothing sticks closer and though I fear, I am learning that he can be trusted and will take care of his sheep.

Happy birthday to me

I think I'm finally rid of the intense desire to want to hide under the bed and avoid my phone like plague when my birthday swings round.

This year, there is no fanfare and gatherings because there is just no one and all my closed ones are out of town.

This year, thanks to the packed schedule of July, I don't feel very excited or happy. Neither am I particularly sad or nervous about losing my precious 20s to time.

I'm feeling a tad lonely hut I think that in spite and despite, this year has been a bountiful harvest of blessings and growth with the lord.

I look forward to more and a more Jesus-filled new me in the new year.

Will come up with a thanksgiving list to recount how wonderful God has been and i am pretty sure it'll be a looong list.

Thank you Jesus for my life. Use it for your glory please.

Too sad but ''it is not the end of the world''

That's what he would say when I go semi-ballistic and pessimistic.

Joshua Gill left awhile ago and I think I haven't bawled so hard in a loong time. Ok, maybe I did when I was alone in HK but you get the drift.

I'm so not used to no musicals in the shower at 12 am.
I'm not used to the empty room.
I almost expect to hear the creaky gate open because he is sneaking home.
I almost expect us to sit in the kitchen for our ''fruit supper''.

2.5 months flew by just like that and our not-so-little baby has mounted on wings and taken off for new adventures.

It's been an adventure for us too and we will forever be grateful to be numbered amongst his 100000 (and counting) friends.

Secret ambition

To be Santa.

Been having stomach trouble for more than a week.

Time is whizzing by so quickly I sometimes forget dates. One of my oldest best friends is getting married tomorrow. That's the carrot dangled that keeps me going. I'm so excited and happy.

On anither note and apart from wedfing excitement, It seems ive been hit by Friday, pre-birthday blues. I've said this before but I can't wait for July to be over.

No title

I just need a lot of sleep.

Wake me up when July ends

Too emotionally draining for 31 days.

Dreading next week. And the week after.

Freeze time please.

Can't wait for august. Don't want to cry and feel so vulnerable. can't wait for national day.

This is why

This is why its unlikely I'll have more that a grand total of five true friends:

Not many in my life, in my deep inner circle are friends that go way back. The ones that go way back have had the prerogative of seeing me happier, less jaded and albeit gullible, untainted. They knew me before " psycho maniac" era and know that beyond those tendencies, there was another side to me that was real and existed, not mythical. Those that came after that can at most provide kindness in pittance form- benefit of the doubt.

Those that go way back knew me before my identity was fused with isaacs. Before my stubborn willful personality with the acerbic tongue was juxtaposed against my kind husband's like day and night. They have accepted me way before I tried too hard to fit into society's carefully defined mould.(and failed)

Yup. They have had the track record of accepting and loving me through my best and worst. Before my identity got subsumed in the crowd of larger personalities and my husband's. Before my presence became negligible and compromised.

Before I became a commodity and ordinary (apart from psycho depressive maniac)

These are the reasons.

Note to self: I'm not a pig

Hence, I don't have to eat like one.

Stomach is in turmoil again from gross overeating. It's like I can produce enough methane for a nuclear reaction.

Ok, too much information.

Sleep tight folks.

Grateful

I'm so grateful that I can so easily access the throne of grace. I just close my eyes and cry and I immediately have an audience with the lord most high. Yet, this didn't come easy.Jesus had to die by 39 lashes, scorching, piercings for me to have this awesome wondrous privilege. The cross had to happen. Just so I could come.

The countdown has begun and July has descended!

Meetups, start work, work trip, farewells, anniversary,wedding and birthday meals.

I think July will fly by.
It will be an emotional roller coaster.
Or I might not have much emotions because I'm too distracted by work.

I think Isaac is going to cry. Because Chris Morrison and Joshua Gill are leaving. I don't think he even shed a tear when he dumped his exes.

This is huge. August with it's fireworks will pale in comparison.

July 2011. I wish you had 60 days.

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

String of work-related, past-related nightmares. The dauting and taunting has started early for a new season. Woke up gasping for breath and terribly fatigued.

The cough didn't help too.

Was reading my brother's blog and it just sounds like he wants to do a prisonbreak. I echo that sentiment except that the prison is within me. My heart is held captive by ironbars called fear, dread and loneliness. I need encouragement from Him and hope to know that things can be different. That I don't have to feel so alone despite being married and living in a house with two boys, surrounded by hoardes of wonderful people and joining a vibrant, friendly company.

Apart from the conundrum of wanting to be alone yet wanting to be with people, sometimes I just want to run away until I'm sure that there can be possibly no one that knows me for me to walk down the streets safely without make-up. The weight of the many things in this land weigh my heart down. I want to get high on helium and just float towards the clouds, ala Mary Poppins. I want to laugh, even if no one gets my jokes and I don't want to feel disappointed when those closest have no clue. Maybe I am impossible to figure out. I knew I was complicated but that complicated?! I belong on Mars (or Venus, to be politically, theoretically correct). I think it'll really surprise me when someone does come along and actually understand my pschye and the complicated mess called me.

My best friend for the past 2.5 years seems to be the washing machine and it breaks my heart to know that we might have to upgrade it. I bawled a huge weepie in private at that thought and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I might ever find that ridiculous. It's sad. An inanimate object is my best friend but I feel that it has faithfully absorbed my grief , pain and many intimate secrets over the course of my entire marriage. Had I known that I would find a friend in the washing machine over hours every week of laundry, I'd have done my own laundry before I got married.

It was also the last relic I have from an expired friendship and I fought to preserve it, to no avail. Now, like said friendship, washing machine seems to be choking up to make way for a spanking new bigger one. (less laundry time) Hopefully by the time the new one comes, I will have to spend less time doing laundry and have more friends that can decode, understand and still love me.

Find my own garden

Mandela had his own garden and tended to it while in prison on Robben island. It must have been such a luxury to have an avocation while serving time in one of the harshest prisons on the world.

I hope to find my own garden. To be able to engage in something that engages my mind without taxing it. Simple as it sounds, it is actually very difficult to find that.

I need it now more than ever. One of those weeks when I just cry at everything and am weighed down by nameless cumulonimbus clouds of depressive moods.

I just want to retreat so far into myself and dwell in my own garden of silence and peace. Away from noise, laundry and be a princess for a day.

妳出現在我詩的每一頁

Was so blind but now I see

Isaiah 40:27

"OJacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? OIsrael, how can you say God ignores your rights?

My current greatest regret

2.24 am. There's a storm raging outside.
I missed your wedding and you'll never understand how sorry I am and what I went through the days leading up and on the day itself.
I hope you are happy. I hope you are reveling in His love and discovering and growing more in Him everyday.
I hope he makes you so happy.
I don't think I realized exactly how much I missed you and all that I shared with you.
We have since gotten used to not being in each other's lives.
I watched you on video and I wept. I could run over to where you are now and hug you so tight except that I don't know where you are at all.
I want you to know I'm immensely proud of you and should never have allowed some relic to come between us.
we both didn't stand firm enough and defend a friendship so rare and precious.
I love you my friend. Remember me.

Of girlie chats and nerfwars

Had a lovely day with the girls. So so good just to chillax and talk about nothing at all, sip on erm, mineral water and laugh. That said, I'm totally looking forward to restarting the worklife engine. I'll savour memories like these. They warm my heart when things are dreary.

Like me, Isaac had a wonderful evening with the boys. He came back to a very intense nerfwar with Josh and it was hilarious. If I had more energy, I'd talk about it in detail but I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Now, it's time to wind down, say bedtime prayers and slip into slumberland.

Dust collector

My flickr album is frozen in time and has gathered a lot of dust, thanks to years of neglect.

Most if the people in the albums are no longer in my life. They must have been such a regular feature as they dominated pages and pages of this online archive of memories. I hope they are well.

Today was good but I felt such a huge weight depressive weight over me I just wanted to burst out crying at so many points. I suddenly miss Mei ling loads and I just want to run to whereever she was. I've not had a decent sit-down session with my girls for the longest time and I have no idea how I got by especially with so much happening.

I've got so much good news and somehow it means so much less when I can't squeal with them and jump around. Thanks for wiping my tears through those emotional monsoon seasons. Love u girls so much.

What a day

On the way to sign the contract today to seal the deal with the new employer, I was a jittery mess plagued by thoughts of ''what if they change their mind?'' and ''what if ...[insert scary scenario]".

I actually stopped along the corridor to pray and check for the peace (well hidden beneath the doubts and fears) before gathering my nerves and proceeding. It went beyond a glitch and I was offered better terms than I initially expected/imagined/requested for. In short, they are totally spoiling me already and I'm super grateful for all the small and not so small things. I pray that in this next season, I'll be able to sow seeds of Him with all the people I work with/work for and that even in the midst of busyness, He'll remain central.

Proceeded to my usual coolie duties for new product launch. Halfway through it all, I started getting breathless but didn't give it much thought as I had an inhaler with me. After my first appointment cancelled on me, I went to meet Kel who later had to drive me to the doc while I hyperventilate and wheeze in her car. 5 puffs, nebulizer, oral steroids and 2 hours later, I was out of the doctor's with still laboured breaths and trembling hands and chattering jaws.

I was almost tempted to be swallowed up in despair. I just took up a job and there, my health decided to show signs of cracking after like a good year of hardly any major falling sick episodes. What a bummer.

What a start and what an end.

Mildly deflated but otherwise buoyant. I still have sooo much to be thankful for.

Same old story.

now there are a few groups who want to chope some time to 'celebrate my bday'. Except that I can't say yes to everyone and they are going to get annoyed because they all want to celebrate on THE DAY ITSELF.

How about asking ME what I want?

Too much work. too messy. I just want to put my head in the freezer and shut the world out.

Broken wings

Can't fly.

The weight of disappointment within me feels so heavy I feel like I need at least a thousand helium filled balloons to lift me up from the trench of unbelief, doubt and fear.

Or Mary Poppin's brolly.

Or maybe just a hand from the Lord.

born to fly.

everyone seems to be telling us to fly. to explore. to roam the world. (ok not everyone, just the Ms and Josh)

before the apocolypse.

or a child.

While I'm way too far from living recklessly, I'm thinking..maybe yes, we should let loose a little and just live in the moment. The thing about life is that you'll never get out alive and maybe I should really let tomorrow take care of itself and let God take care of tomorrows. While living within our means, I should perhaps, just breathe a little more, mount up and fret a lot less.

My wings are clipped for the moment but I'm determined to unclip them soon. I'm going to stop wondering if I should have a kid next year because it's the dragon year and it's hard to get kids into places when I don't even know if I'll be here in 7 years. Yes, Nicole has drummed a lot into me. If she is pregnant and saddled with a year old baby (who btw, can feed and sleep on her own) and travel all over Africa with no permanent roof like nomands AND due for birth in Nov AND not the least bit worried, I really have a lot less to be worried about and should just take each day as it comes.

I plan too far ahead. I started the business in the hopes that it can be on auto-pilot and I can have a 'passive income' in 3-5 years and now I'm ready to liquidate. Nothing goes quite as planned and now, I think I just need to plan and prepare my heart for surprises and God's plan, whatever it is and stop being a hard core stickler to the details of MY plan.

**
On a separate note, I'm feeling a lot less weepy than yesterday despite the pent-up frustration (mostly with Dell) and being cancelled upon last minute by a friend. Not that I'm angry with her but I was just bored out of my mind. Especially since Dell is still down. The period coming is really a welcome relief although I just can't stop eating now.

Was prepping, pen and paper style about retail planning and the more I delve into it, the more I want that job. Now now, come Monday will be the day of reckoning. Please pray for me if you're reading this. 2nd interview and for now, all the signs are looking pretty positive but my mantra remains the same: hope for the best but prepared for the worst.

I caught myself making a concious effort not to be too close to some foreigners in church. I really like some of them and we get along fairly well. They really crack me up and I felt drawn towards them in so many ways. But I held myself back because I knew they belonged in the 'leavable' category. First keith and carin, then now 4 in a month. It doesn't get easier, despite the 'practice'. And speaking of which, we're not even getting updates from Keith and Carin. I heard the internet connection there really sucks so it's not a wonder that updates are scanty but I'm just praying that they are all right.

I am guarded. Because I can't live without my heart when I give it away and these recipients scoot off. In the words of Chris, he thinks they'll leave with at least 3/4 of our hearts. That said, I'm seeing Nicole like twice every week with Baby M. Come July 31st, I'll need a water tank and a lot of tissues because I'll have a brand new load of issues.

Losses

This is the week of losses.

1) Isaac's 2 month old Iphone was stolen by some crook. While we've replaced the phone with a pretty snazzy android, I still mourn the loss. Especially the videos that he had on the phone which recorded messages to me. Those weren't backed up on platforms like fb or youtube so they're pretty much gone forever. Shame on you thief.

2)Our 11 month old dell fell and sent us spiralling down dell hell. Not cool. Everyone seems to be telling us to sell. The repairman came today to replace our entire hardisk after 4 days and left us with no Windows. That effectively means we still can't use the computer and I mourn the loss of my work documents, spreadsheets, and we had to pay $31 just to get them to send the windows patch over because dell has such a special windows thingy we can't even use anyone else's!

3) Some of the precious people in my life are leaving for good and I don't know when I'll ever see them again. According to one of them, the next time we see each other is in heaven.

The Morrisons are so so close to my heart because they were there when I was puking my guts out while anti-depressants flooded my bloodstream. They were there to wipe out other streams of tears and just be friends. We were there when their first child was born and I'm only too sad now that we will not be there for their 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. I am welling up reading this. Chris has been the brother Isaac never had but possibly the best bro in the world. I am afraid that Isaac might never find another Chris. Heck, I'm sure there's no other Chris in the world and I just don't know what we're going to do.

Josh-This boy is leaving us on my birthday, 5 days before the Ms'. It's going to be a long hard week of tears and I need to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Despite being so young, he has been a great inspiration to us and we've learnt so much from him. He brought us so much joy and even packed my impossible-to-pack fridge. Late night suppers (sometimes just fruits), card games and just chatting about nothing at all. Isaac and I have been so blessed to have him around and his buoyant optimism attitude regarding life has been such a wake-up call to me who flips and crumbles at the slightest hint of hardship. Like he always says, ''it's not the end of the world''. I am humbled and ashamed at my whininess and will always remember him in our prayers.

It's too hard to say goodbye.

way too hard.

Wake me up when July is over.

I hate today

Wheezey mess

Help me breathe. Die phlegm die.

:(

broken dreams 2

Broken dreams

All dressed up with no where to go

Stuffy nose and soul.

My ribs still hurt a great deal and I'm starting to wonder if I'm the third Adam. So which new person got created out of my rib while I slept last night? A friend thinks it highly unlikely that I'm the third Adam but there's always room to doubt.

I spend alot of time fantasizing about prisonbreak ideas. Generally all my fantasies involve being bo chup and just living, something that's clearly not my forte. I would elope all over again with the same person except that he doesn't have enough leave and money is tight "when we travel together". Yah, he mentioned going to Melbourne alone.

I'm not going to call a psychiatrist in the hopes that he will fix my problems. Because a trip to a shrink can buy me an air ticket. When I was merely my parents' rebellious daughter, I ran away at every opportunity and it always involved a plane ticket. Why is it that as I get older, I get poorer and more trapped with worry and boredom?

Why am I the way I am and made to feel sorry as such? Afraid to find out what makes me happy because they seem to all cost money and be deemed frivolous, hence unattainable. And my threshold of disappointment has been maxed out.

Maybe that's why my ribs hurt. Because the shards of my quite crushed heart are trapped within the sinewy flesh that confine it.

Confession

I'm beyond fed up and would do anything to be free from this rut.

5 reasons why I love TCM

1) It seems to suggest that all my problems are rooted in the same few blocked acupoints. If I unblock them through massage, my problems will be resolved! Unlike other schools of thought and religion, there is nothing to do with my flawed temperament, lack of faith and just plain lousy character. Acupoints only!

2)Other remedies are herbal. Yes, that includes human placenta and exhorbitantly priced cordyceps (aka worms attacked by some funky fungus during winter)

3)It almost legitimizes my grumpiness and even justifies it: due to my blocked acupoints, I have not enough 'qi' flowing to my liver which is the control station of my emotions (not amygdala or hippocampus of the brain as I learnt in psych 1101). Therefore, I am emotional (well, they call it depressive psychosis which just totally blew this grumpiness wayyyy out of proportion)

4)All my problems will also go away if I can just burp or fart. To do that, I just have to ingest copious amounts of ginger and press said few acupoints endlessly. This is something I've been doing diligently, as evidenced by almost broken rib cage bone (one acupoint there) and blue-blackish marks on my arms. So, although I look like I've been abused, I'm on the way to being all brand new, chirpy and happy!

5) It doesn't suggest that I have to actually deal with my problems of excessive worrying, emotional baggage etc so I don't have to go through emotional upheavals of confronting issues that bother me. As long as I follow prescribed remedy and get 'qi' flowing well in my body, I will be ALL RIGHT. In fact, the problems are not root causes but mere by-products of 'qi' not flowing to my liver. My crazy nightmares that wake me up at 1.40 am at night with my heart racing are not an indication of unresolved issues from the past, they are just a ruckus that my omnipotent liver created.

Mildly stressed

Somewhat stressed today.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and the persistent pain on my last rib bone. I'm starting to get really annoyed by it. It feels like something jabbed into that area.

Feeling crabby and snappy. This is totally out of character but I had two hours to spare today in town and I went mad on retail therapy. Damage: enough to get myself a membership to Witchery and bought Isaac an expensive ninja turtles shirt.

Got home to find my ironed and laundered clothes hanging on the arm of my exercise bike. My part time helper gave up trying to stuff them into my full and exploding wardrobe and so they are hanging there while waiting for space to clear up. I think this means I need better space management skills since I'm not getting a bigger house/wardrobe anytime soon. I used to lament that this is a perfectly normal phenomenon (oxymoron alert) because I had to share the same space I had (while at my parents' ) with husband. Today I realized that wardrobe spacewise, I actually have more space now because Isaac's clothes have been relegated to the two-door in the study and I have like 5 panels to myself.

Gulp.

And I still have the ''I don't know what to wear'' disease and I hardly shop!

torn

day 3 of being sick.

My lightning fast brain finally concludes that this isn't sinus.

It's thundering and storming now and while some are cowering in fear under their covers, I actually am marvelling and in awe at this majestic display of power. Like a light show, the whole sky is ablaze with a pinkish orange hue for a grand total of 4 seconds before someone flicks off the switch and renders it dark instead. I almost think it to be romantic to be sitting here in my study alone knowing it's just me and God. I can ignore that just right on this street alone, there are thousands of night owls like me awake and I'm really not that alone afterall. I almost feel cocooned and love.

Somehow I feel so incredibly romanced when I'm alone. Maybe that's why I always wanted to travel alone. My favorite memories include being on the great ocean road alone (on a bus with people but still) under a whole sky light with stars that beam out their greetings from light years away, walking down endless streets soaking in cultures, commuting on trains/trams/buses in Melbourne and HK.

Yes, even Melbourne.

A place where I used to visit once, sometimes twice every year but have gone through two passports now with not a single chop from it's immigration department.

I thought I'd never go back in this lifetime and 2006 was the last of it and it was good riddance to the yarra river, bridge road, vietnamese beef noodles, food tasting on lygon street and scouring for bargains at Target. But the latest conversation with the husband seems to indicate we'll be back. To visit family.

That's where the nerves begin and my run-away tendencies kick into full-drive. Never mind that this means I won't get to Xi-an to fulfil my one chinese city per year quota (excluding HK) . I'm afraid this trip will eradicate my previous beautiful melbourne memories and I really don't fancy sleeping on the couch of someone who hates me.

Just realized that the wallpaper on my iphone is of the great ocean road.

torn.

The other girl

Maybe it's because I'm sick and my mood is as flat as a can of opened soft drink.

While browsing through old photo albums, I noticed that I used to smile like a Cheshire cat. My smile back then spoke volumes of how happy I was, albeit silly and nothing close to the sophistication I yearned to be. In contrast, my photos of late looked jaded, forced and contrived. Eeks.

I like the other girl better. Though I scarcely recognize her to be me.

I hope she comes back soon. In the meantime, no photos please.

A mucus factory

In over production
Mucus-filled tissue bombs (don't mess with me)
Way too early to be awake
Is being an utter brat and craving grandma style childhood porridge
:(

Life as I know it

It's been almost a week since Josh has moved in and despite his fleeting appearances in the house due to a very vibrant social life, he really does feel like our son. (Despite being 6 years younger) It's funny how we never called him a 'little bro' instead. I wonder why.

Husband commented today upon returning home and finding him not at home that we have the ''empty nest syndrome''. And now I think I'm actually going to shed buckets of tears when he goes home. And that we might really never see him again.

This is just a snippet of how I finally found family in what I thought was the most unlikely place-church. Been churched for a loong time since my inception into the kingdom of Christ in 1996 and I never really felt like this until now. The years that I gullibly did bare my soul in the name of accountability, my trust was betrayed and I left with daggers sticking out of my back and gaping wounds in my soul. Though they have since healed, I have never really expected to find family again so the strong kinship that I enjoy now, I am truly truly grateful for.

Beyond being able to be honest and vulnerable (including appearing stupid), I think I finally truly care for these people. When I go about my days, they pop into my mind and at night, I say a prayer for them before I nod off. It sounds all too good to be true I'm almost scared to jinx it. In fact, I'm just scared because I want to keep these people for life (greedily, every single one of them) and I'm only too certain that it is not possible. While the possibility of them turning into monsters and backbiting is significantly lower than that of the other social contexts I've encountered and endured, I think somehow life will just eventually take us in different directions. There will be an eventual gulf of geographical distance..and in time, that will be translated to emotional and spiritual distance. What I can only hope for is that we never become strangers.

I might be a pessimist and it might be too premature to say this but even in the day of technological advancement such as facebook and skype, it will just never be the same. I remember crying buckets when I left a previous job knowing that a beloved colleague and I might actually never get to see each other again. She lives in Sweden and it is too expensive for either of us to visit each other, especially now that she is a mum. We tried to keep in touch and and correspond regularly as we can't skype due to the time difference. However, it just wasn't the same and the frequency eventually waned. Same goes for the girls I grew up with in school. Life after school dismantled and diluted some of the strongest bonds as we tried to navigate the unfamiliar terrain of varsity life in different continents (even faculties) and make new friends. Then we headed off to work and sleepovers and late night suppers became a relic of history. The cornerstones of our friendships were eroded and even though we try our utmost best to stay connected and I have the assurance that they really are just a phonecall away, I can't help but mourn the demise of sharing everyday life together.

Geographical distance means we cannot lunch together, laugh with each other (and laugh at each other). The girls might marry off to distant lands, the guys might get relocated or called to mission fields. The expats might go home or head to lands with better prospects. Even though I sometimes feel that Isaac and I are stuck and rooted, I too cannot guarantee that we'll be here forever; that this will be the final resting place for us and that though rooted now, we will never be uprooted; that though Singapore will always be home, we will never be residents in another land.

It is all too transient, too brief. While I grieve at this, I must rejoice too. For I have been so extremely blessed to have had the honor of having so many wonderful people in my life and have so many of them love me. I do not deserve them and they're walking evidences of God's grace and love for me.

Thank you Jesus.

Surrogate family

Just realized that I've never bared my soul like that and laughed so heartily for a long time. The old familiar yet elusive warmth is back. God truly does set the solitary in families.

In this short span of 1+years, I've shared life and even snippets of my past with these people and it feels like I've known them forever.

Amazing and it never fails to leave me in awe coz not too long ago, I had given up of ever finding a group of people that I could be completely comfortable with and safe with. In the past, I was always surrounded by people but yearned to be alone. The tables have since turned and now I'm sharing life and heart with them. Somehow, I know god is smiling down on us when he sees us.

I look at myself and don't know what I have to offer this group of precious people but I just pray that someday somehow that god uses me to bless them. Love them so much.

Thank you Jesus. We love you too. May our live for each other bring you delight and glory. And when others look at us love each other, they'll know that we truly are disciples of Jesus.

"so many friends I lost along the way"

Thanks for staying on and bearing with me. Especially the husband and the long service ones. You guys deserve medals.

Note to self: don't overeat

My stomach is making too much noise for this hour.

A Tuesday in disguise

Feels like a Saturday today despite being a Tuesday. I forgot to do the usual Tuesday load of laundry and now I'm wondering how tomorrow and Thursday will work out now.

I have been so 'out of sorts' I thought there's church tomorrow (if tomorrow was a Sunday), that I should go and get the papers and 8 days etc. I'm so out of sorts I didn't realize I broke a cup and spilled a drink on myself until everyone starting wiping frantically and I heard someone go " it's ok it's ok!!".

The only time I can go anywhere is when I dream and I didn't realize I've ended up daydreaming like I used to in classes and letting my thoughts take me on a destinationless journey, reminiscent of physics classes in mgs. I dream endlessly needlessly and I'm ready to take off.

What I need

More oxygen
A holiday in a nice temperate climate
Painkillers
Aromatherapy
Grilled sambal fish with loads of lime and piping hot aaa thai jasmine rice
Freedom
Purpose

And I'll be fine.

Musings from a free lance housewife

While cooking yesterday, the sauce that I was trying to add to my dish was too viscous and taking a long time to trickle out of the bottle. Impatient, I wanted to just shake the bottle without measuring the quantity and douse the meat with it. The recipe said : 2 tablespoons.

At that exact moment, I heard the soft whisper of the Lord in my spirit telling me that the sauce is likened to emotions. Without it, the dish (likened to our life) will be tasteless and bland. However, we must learn how to master, control and measure our emotions in order to have a successful dish. Neither too much or too little of it. With that, I patiently waited for the thick liquid body of flavour travel to my spoon, measured out exactly two tablespoons and added it to the meat.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit. It is a by-product, not something I conjure up with my flesh and will.

My prayer today is that this fruit be granted to me as I learn to walk and delight in Him. And may the by product of this fruit be more seed for a greater harvest. May Jesus truly be glorified in my life as a result.

Digression from elections

Listened to Carter Conlon speak about rev wilkerson. Should never have started listening this late at night coz before I realized it, I had 4 steady streams of tears coursing down my face. So want to be there in NYC on may 15 to say goodbye and thank you. It would mean so much to me. Apart of me believes he will be attending the ceremony too and he will finally hear from the spiritual child he never knew he had from Singapore.

Joshua 6:18

Joshua 6:18

""Do not take any of the things set apart for destruction, or you yourselves will be completely destroyed, and you will bring trouble on the camp of Israel."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Josh6.18.NLT

Sent from my iPhone

I wished dreams didn't come true

Some time ago, I can't remember how long..I woke up with my heart racing because I dreamt David Wilkerson, a personal hero died in a car accident.

Today, that dream came true.

Some half a day later, I am still in unbelief and shock. When I watch the news report and re-read the last email devotional sent in my inbox, I feel nothing but grief.

Been praying in between the episodes of conciousness and I think I almost saw an angel snatch him out of the wreck before the collision occured and it happened so quickly he just found himself in Jesus' arms in the twinkling of an eye.

Now, tell me that's true.

David wilkerson's last devotional

He died in a car accident after writing this and went home to be with the lord. My soul is deeply grieved today and this grief has overshadowed everything else. 

First, it does not make sense at all. Secondly, this was one man whose devotionals sustained me during my lowest moments as I struggled in confusion. His life inspired me. Unwavering trust in the midst od great trials. 

Now I can only imagine and glorious the crown handed to him will be by Jesus. I can imagine the moment even as I pray comfort for his ailing wife and family. 

David Wilkerson has finished the journey and gone home! His great prize awaits him. 

Begin forwarded message:

From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: April 27, 2011 3:02:12 PM GMT+08:00
To: devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org
Subject: WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org

David Wilkerson Today

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2011

WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most
acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, "You have believed because you have seen,
but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen" (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to
prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of
all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems
inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan's hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger,
overwhelming questions: "Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no
tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted."

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: "Prayer failed. Faith
failed. Don't quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn't
pay!"

Even questioning God's existence will be injected into your mind. These have
been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who
ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping
will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon
hear the Father whisper, "I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but
one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was
no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in
your hour of pain."

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means
fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word.
There is no other hope.

Loss

Loss- I can only imagine how excruciating the pain is as I draw from a distant memory.

More critical at hand and cliche as it might be is celebrating the good that once was before death knocked and claimed one for his increasing brood.

Being thankful for the good that was and the legacy left behind and guard the memory from being defiled by the tragedy of the loss.

Let nothing overshadow the good inspite of grief and pain.

Walk on, soldier on.

Rooting for you and you.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

silenced

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

Leehom Wang - EVERYTHING

Quite a tear-jerker .

Mid afternoon ramble

I gave the domestic helper permission to clear out a good chunk of ''artefacts'' from the house. Mostly expired cosmetics but it was momentous nonetheless as I have always been a hoarder. Strangely, I do not feel any more or less liberated or any sense of loss. Many things in life, not just those, are plain superfluous and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid even if they had been gone.

I feel the loss of many other things though. Namely, my unrealized dreams. The same ones that was birthed too long ago and never abated no matter how hard life gnawed at them. The loss of friendships and family.

Life isn't over and neither is Jesus back so the verdict is not out on the former. There's still hope and a glimmer of chance of many of it but I won't mull too much over it in the meantime. It takes too much from me and only results on disappointment and drained mental resources. I think about what I really feel about some people and how I've had to disguise my immense disgust for some of them because of this imagined social protocol. Maybe if death is certain or if Jesus is indeed coming back in the next hour and I can outrun their schemes and flying daggers, I'll deliver a cathartic speech in their face detailing how utterly horrible they are.

Eg.
1) " YOU WERE A VERY VERY LOUSY FRIEND"-then at that point, shit must fall from the sky and land precisely on said person's head.
2) "YOU ARE A VERY LOUSY PERSON" -then at this point, said person must be swallowed up in a quicksand of dung.
3) "YOU STINK"-after I stand a far off which the N95 mask while shit is engulfing said person
4) "I hope you fall into a really really filthy manhole!"
5) "You have a nice hide, ugly heart''

Ok nothing vehemently fierce. But I'm already grinning at the thought of it and how their faces would contort in disbelief. But before they even come up with a comeback, dear Lord, please have me raptured!

God remembers

A random call from a friend reminds me that God , inspite of the crisis in Japan and middle east, remembers me.

Tiny, insignificant me.

Retirement

Haha. Joanne and I were talking about the high cost of living and we are contemplating retirement options.

So far they are:
Malaysia
Vietnam
Cambodia
Thailand
China

Whoopee. Deflated laugh.

Too young

British man on the phone said I sound too young.
French company senior manager said I look too young.
I'm getting this too often and I thought that at the right old age of 28, I would have gotten past that.

Thanks for looking past my eye bags and focusing on my ample cheeks that apparently is the only determinant of youth. Never mind that I secretly feel like I'm 50 and wearied out by life. My age is well disguised by cheeks and the voice.

Dark sense of foreboding

A call this late at night especially when it's coming from a land 3 hours ahead cannot be good. His family in Australia has tried to reach us at our homeline a few times, leaving messages on both our home line and his personal mobile. I tried to wake him up but he can't be woken up even at the prospect that it 'might be' urgent. On one hand, I fear that if it really isn't urgent, he'd be so furious. He has been very worn out physically and needs to get all the sleep he needs and they tend to be nocturnal and not respect normal humane rest hours. However, what if it is very urgent? What if something happened and he needs to book the first flight out? My normal pessimistic streak kicks in and I can't help imagining the worse. I've never had good news come in the form of late night calls at my HOMELINE. I hope everything is ok. I try to read the smses and they seem pretty calm for urgent messages. I might be over-reacting. As always. Let's hope it can wait till tomorrow. ** In other news, it seems like since I've made the decision to wind up the business, business has shot up. I get all sorts of orders and customer enquiries. Now now. God, please be very clear.

謝天華&徐子珊-我等你(洪武三十二 插曲)

This is the cantonese song that has been on repeat mode. Ironically , it sounds a lot like Planet Shakers' ''Beautiful Savior''. Hmm.

One day I will...

Go surfing
Parallel park without help
Visit xi an, revisit Hangzhou and many other Chinese cities.
Really go to the grand canyon
live in hong kong

My condensed bucket list for now.

For now, I still have bills to pay, a business to run, housework to do, sleep to catch up on.

Hmm

Proverbs 17:24

"Sensible people keep their eyes glued on wisdom, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.

Orphan

Met my mum briefly to collect work stuff. I cannot even begin to describe how wretched and sad I feel while walking away. She is her usual self, trying to pretend nothing ever went wrong. I hate that about her but I understand it's her only coping mechanism. I couldn't bring myself to sit down for a drink with her because my emotions might spill over. Even as I walked away, I could barely stop myself from welling up in public and my shades served well to mask my emotions. I just wish she was a mum. She was never ready to be one. Even after 28 years. I wish she knew that I love her.

hong kong

What is it about this land that mesmerizes me in a way that I can't stop thinking about it? I really doubt it's really about the shopping and food. I have returned from trips with nothing because I didn't have time to shop. Each time I return to HK, I feel like I'm home. When I watch TVB, I almost ache like I'm pining for an absent lover. I don't have that many friends there, enough to fill up the dinner and dim sum slots of a 5 day trip but that's really it. So what really is the allure? The old beggars along the streets of Mongkok, the illegal immigrants caged up literally in inhumane cages in the slums or the haunting images of what I call the 'burnt' buildings housing so many trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty? The dichotamy and contrast of the very rich and the most destitute, co-existing in the same land? The seemingly soulless individuals that seem to live to eat and shop all day long and accumulate copious amounts of wealth that goes into tiny apartments half the size of my four room flat?These haunt me. I try my best to brush up on cantonese, in the event that if God and life does lead us there, I won't be left handicapped and struggling unable to communicate with anyone except the english educated. However, cantonese is by no means similar to mandarin. The script is different, the syntaxes and grammar are entirely different. Some words that appear in the cantonese daily speak do not have a corresponding mandarin word as well. TVB is my best tutor to date but even so, the progress is slow. Especially when I watch period dramas and the imperial speak is by no means close to the colloquail everyday language. I scrutinize the subtitles (that I can barely read) to guess the meanings. My knack of memorizing chunks of lyrics from cantonese songs also do not come in the least bit handy because really, no one speaks in the poetic verses of songs or have no tones in their speech. I really don't see it happening anyway anyhow. But I'm just going to keep learning. My only tutors now are unwilling unresponsive ones-TVB, Crystal Jade and Imperial Treasure waitresses and my learn cantonese 101 cds AND dictionaries. When will I see you again, dear HK? SIA just raised their airfares and I don't know how to endure the gruelling harsh treatment of Jetstar. But for you, I just might, spoilt as I am.

Mid day thoughts

Gripes: Cramps. Headache. And the teething. And people not replying emails.

Such common woe of earthly urban life. Just want to curl up in bed now and sleep the pain away. In the midst of the horribly mundane, I wonder where God is and what he is doing now.

Thankful to be meeting Cali tonight. We don't do this often enough. I miss the girls.

Was reading mgs forum last night and Some of the (really) old girls have seen each other through every stage of life. Graduations, marriages, some divorces, births and even deaths.

My closest friends have witnessed both my best and worst moments and we've gone through puberty, crushes, heartbreaks and the shock of adulthood together as we stand against the forces that so often try to crush our spirit and steal our joy. I hope for many more years to come and that we will march right into eternity with aplomb and grace.

Unknown Tongues. Does anyone have the interpretation?

Shrink wrapped unravel programme

It just dawned on me that if I do let myself go and be vulnerable again, I can actually feel beyond the usual menu of dread and expectation of disappointment. I can actually be very very happy even though I'm potentially setting myself up to be disappointed. The million-dollar question is: is it worth it? Looking back on the past few months, I haven't exactly had the best track record when it came to discerning people. I've proved to be a bad judge of character and this only heightened my reservations towards people. I don't mind sharing life experiences for the edification of others (if it helps) but I don't let others into my heart easily. Don't get me wrong, I do care and love but I've insulated my heart with so much material to fortify and 'cynicize' that I know that even if they disappoint me, betray my trust, turn out to be evil monsters in disguise...I won't mourn too much. I might beat myself up for being stupid for a few days (maybe weeks) but I'll be up and going again, heart intact the last I left it-a thousand pieces held together by glue and 'shrink-wrapped'. Pun fully intented. If I peel of the layers of shrink wrap, I'll run the risk of exposing the fragility to a whole gamut of emotions ranging from the very best to the worst of the worst. I'd be able to experience both heaven and hell within the confines of the same space, albeit at different times. I'll actually be alive. I have so many people in my life but so few, hardly any that I'm vulnerable with. There will always be that distance I keep emotionally with people so they don't come too near. My heart is like that Egyptian mummy in the British museum. Wrapped and embalmed for preservation but glassed up so that it remains visible but no one gets to come near enough to touch it. Even though it lies in plain view, it is not quite the same. The visitors stand a good metre away, to prevent contamination and damage. It is so delicate and so prone to damage. It has withstood the test of time and won the fight against utter decomposition. Nonetheless, it is still dead. Somewhat like me.

Teething adult

Fevers. Pain. Headaches. New empathy for teething babies who can't even express their pain apart from wailing.

How long more

The last 2 days have been harrowing and draining both physically and emotionally and I don't even know where to begin and how it will end.

I would think that to everyone, forgiveness of sins would sound like incredible good news only to realize for the upteenth time that some people are adamant that they have never done anything wrong and hence the cross was irrelevant and superfluous. What is truly incredulous is when you claim to accept the cross and now profess to be christian and now flagrantly continue in evil ways hiding beneath the cloak of self-righteousness and abusing the name of God which you represent.

I abhor the christian hypocrisy and pray that one day, God purges it out of his church and judge his own first before letting them flagrantly judge the rest of the world and send multitudes to hell. Instead of ushering the lost to the savior, many christians are stumbling others by living lives condoning sin in their lives via 'grace' while condemning sin in others' lives.

I am disgusted and disillusioned. It is an evil age I live in and I don't know how long more these get to triumph and seem to get the upper hand. How long more before God himself convicts and delivers? Judges and vindicates? How long more before their derisive laughter is silenced?
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Mondays

Dead beat.
Pooped.
Clinging on to trust You.

Reduced me to a huge puddle of goo and tears.

Strange things happen at night

Sweetest/funniest memories:
1)remember the I stare at you while you're sleeping and then you opened your eyes and scream the block down times?

2)you holding my hand in your sleep

3)you grabbing my pillow Fr under my head in your sleep

4)your sleep talking. Which includes a whole running conversation that you have no recollection of the next morning.

5)you still dig your nose when asleep!!

Hard to win

Really should have taken the panadol much much earlier and spare myself 5 hours of unnecessary suffering.

Now that the panadol is in my bloodstream, the gastric is back. Do hard to win in life sometimes.

Goodnight world.

Ah, found it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmsClQ1H0ME&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sent from my iPhone

Goo goo dolls song. Can't remember the song name

For Isaac, my husband and best friend.
You're sleeping so soundly beside me now.even though I still have the headache from 7 pm, I am overwhelmed by joy and gratitude. I can't really see you in the dark but I can hear you ( snore). Even this has become such an integral part of my life and it tells me you are safe in dreamland and thankful. Hope it's sweet.

You hold my hand sometimes even when you're asleep. You instinctively grab it. Once, you even held it to your chest. This will forever remain as one of the sweetest memories I'll ever have. Thanks for so many sweet memories.

This song mirrors my feelings now:

And i'd give up forever to touch you
cause i know that you feel me somehow,
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
when sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight

and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
or the moments of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies,
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

While I'm waiting

Elijah spent a lot of time waiting in between the excitement of calling down fire and running from Jezebel.

Lord,teach me how to wait with the right attitude and be faithful even in the 'boring' seasons. I am well provided for in every way and have quite actively sought out to be useful and take on jobs but all the only thing I'm ignoring and procrastinating is wait.

I have conjured up things to do such as promotional mechanics and marketing activities for the business that I have meaning to wind down. From the looks of it, I am a confused disorganized skittish person who on one hand is prepping for liquidation but on the other hand conjures up more work for myself WHILE spending hours a day on a job hunt.

What is up with me? What does God want me to do in this nothingness? What can I do? I feel so depleted and empty.

Whatsapp

Some people hail it as a technological winder and after much goading and guilting,I finally downloaded it.

Pretty cool for the first few hours chatting with my friends and getting updates about their lives. Until...

You see the thing about this programme is that unlike other messaging programs like msn you can't 'hide' from people.as long ad they have your number,they know you're around and can make contact with you.

And that's my main gripe. Some guy whose number is not in my phone anonymously messages me. Thinking that he is a lost friend and a casualty of my last phonebook import attempt, I responded and apologized for losing his contact. However I have absolutely no recollection after he reintroduced himself and he said he knew me when I was a student in UNi but he's not from my UNi and he hasnt talked to me in 6 years. Then the alarm bells started ringing in my head and then I'm wondering if he's the anchorpoint stalker or the weird anonymous one who leaves messages and notes telling me how I despise his 'love'.

So when he asked what I'm currently doing, I told him I'm a housewife hoping he'll get the hint. I went on to wail about this to 2 Weenee n Yp (on whatsapp ironically) and they were like "you're housewife meh???"

Ok,freelance housewife ok?

Whatever the case I got the job done without being antagonistic. Phew!

Why I'm special

This is one of the questions asked and I was supposed to detail what makes me special compared to the multitudes queuing for a job in this company that I applied to.

I had no clue and as I mulled I could not come up with anything remotely positive and it was soo depressing. I knew others had a strong edge over me and were better qualified in many aspects. In short, I'm really not that exceptional except that I always allow myself to be stretched (sometimes to the point of snapping) and seem to have a penchant for the path of more resistance.

In the end, I wrote about my entrepreneurial experience and how I survived the global financial crisis and grew it from a mustard seed to what it is today. I have lived many years compressed in the last three years. Many will never ever know the bitter sweet uphill climb and trepidation of entrepreneurship and learnt the lessons not taught in school.

I hope this answer is satisfactory because it's the best I can manage. At the heart of it all, I'm really just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God.

Help me,God!!

I don't know what it is but I feel like curling up in bed and just sleeping the day away tomorrow. Had a rough day battling fatigue, commuting,chores and the dark moods that threaten to obscure my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel like praying for others. There is a rapid inception of thoughts such as' you can't even help yourself. Why pray for others?' I know it's the enemy talking and I should retaliate with intensified prayer but I'm just so tired.

I also feel very used and ignored by some friends and I'm very close to sanctioning an embargo on just about everyone. Again, I'm well aware that this is another scheme to sow discord and threaten long time friendships and godly alliances but i feel so helpless against the flood of negativity unleashed at me.

Don't know how to get through this week. A shipment that was supposed to arrive in June is on the way. I wasn't notified of it's early release and thinking I have time to spare, I went to say yes to help out in various errands and packed my weekend with gatherings and a baby shower. Church fast begins tomorrow and with a prayer meeting in the evening. I don't know how I'm going to drag myself up jubilee road to church given that im already lifeless while well fed. It has to be by His divine grace and mercy. I wonder what god will accomplish during this fast and I'm waiting in eager anticipation. Without a doubt, Jesus is on his way back and I want tone found ready and faithful.

Gearing up to pray his kingdom come!

God help me!!

He knows

I'm amazed and in awe of how uch He really knows. Many might think this is pretty daft since God is omniscient. Maybe I should put it like this, I'm amazed at the littlest thing about me that He knows and yet discover nothing is too minute that He doesn't care about. He knows when I was battling my private fears in the solitary confines of my study at night. He kept my husband awake (I'm sorry!) and told him exactly how to address those fears. I am amazed that He intervenes even in these matters. He truly keeps watch and neither slumbers nor sleep. And of course, He knows what tomorrow holds and where life will take me/has taken me. I don't have the answers to many of life's perplexing questions but the safe sweet knowledge of knowing that He knows makes me feel so indescribably secure. Since He knew that this and that would happened, He will have a plan. He will also intervene. He knows. "I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing"

left-behind phobia

I hate being left behind.

Case(s) in point:
-I am ok with travelling for work but I'm a lot less ok if husband has to.
-I am very open to the idea of relocation and leaving friends and family behind but if the situation was reversed, I'd be a lot sadder.
-I'd rather be the one who dies first.

I always want to be the first to pull the plug. If the plug has to be pulled.

I abhor farewells when it comes to those so dear to my heart but if I know they are leaving, I start withdrawing emotionally before they do so physically.

I want to leave my footprints all over the globe but I want to carry the smitherines of my heart with me whereever I go. Maybe that's why. Because I only truly feel safe alone. Then no one gets to leave me behind.

So forgive me, to those whom I've known long enough to put up with my fleeting nature.
To those who want to know me more, forgive me for fortifying my heart so well you can't reach it.
To those whom I've left behind, forget me. I'm not worth it.

轉機 粵語 - 潘瑋柏

So I'm on my very slow ascent to being canto-pop queen.

This song really touched me. It's super poetic ...I think. Kelda thinks I probably don't know what it really means but I think I got the meaning.

Lovelovelove!

Vintage

This girl I met in Orchard today mistook me for a sprightly early 20s girl. When I gently broke the news of my real age, she was visibly taken aback and what came out of her next as she tried to redeem herself from the sticky situation was, "err, at your age still can lah."

she was a talent scout.

Lying to yourself

Guilty as charged.

Psalm 119:29

"Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.

Sent from my iPhone

What if Jesus came back tomorrow?

How will I be found?

In the light of all the tragedy happening and the unrest in the Middle East fuelling talk about the Apocolypse, I can't help but wonder if I'd be ready for His return.

'Readify me'. I don't want to be left behind.

Silencing my worst critic

I don't know how I'm going to get through this week. Heck, I don't even know how I'm going to get through this life.

Feeling so faint and light-headed and sooo sleep deprived. I know I did myself in with my horrible eating habits and have no one but myself to blame. This is lesson #33453345 in healthy living and I still haven't passed the module and graduated.

I bailed on my dentist today. I didn't even cancel the appointment. I went there, EARLY to be informed I'd have to wait. Way past my appointment time because they overscheduled. So I went home and brought lunch to sick husband instead. I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years and at this rate, it just seems like a classic case of 'not-meant-to-be'.

Last night as I lay awake battling heartburn and acid reflux, I thought about how discontented I am, perenially. And it hit me that perhaps the root of it is that I myself am plagued with a sense of never being good enough. I am prepared to go unnoticed, forgotten and bypassed. Fundamentally, this intrinsic feeling of being not good enough for a job, for people, for life mirrors itself when I start to feel like certain situations etc etc are not good enough for me.

I need to know what is my value and that I can pull the brakes of this quest of perfectionism. I am tired of this never-ending ascend with no peak and no end in sight. It is a ruse to get me distracted from all the blessings I have been endowed with and my pursuit of Jesus. Instead, I get caught up in my own goals (and I have too many unmet) and lead me to strife...with myself.

I don't know how to work this issue out except by prayer. I need to resist the strong temptation of comparing myself to my circle of over-achieving peers. I need to count my blessings and just learn to love myself abit more, one step at a time. I need to forgive myself, for the countless mistakes and errors I've made and for the many more that will come, by virtue of being me.

friends forever..not

In my wildest fantasies, I'd like to have this executed:

To issue you you and you official notice that you are not permitted in my lives in any way. It will be cathartic because my heart journeyed with yours through your valleys only to be ambushed by betrayal and lies during your mountain-top sojourns.

I just want every memory of you you and you obliterated. Because you really are a lousy person. Now I see. I have been blind but now I have the prerogative of hindsight and you are really a lousy person.

Go away. And take your knives on your way out. Stop trying to pretend to be chummy.

Unfortunately, I can only rant here. In my private sphere. And the lousy people in question will never read it. Never know. And I'm too tired to field endless questions/emails/smses of why I seem to be unavailable or start a petty version of world war 3.

**
Really think I'd like to be unavailable more often and let 2011 be the year of Unavailability. After april, I'll be unavailable for baby showers, weddings, birthdays etc. I'll have my own agenda and just be...unavailable and invisible like..vapour.

I'll work hard, play hard , on my own turn, on my own terms. I'll read voraciously, cook like Martha Stewart and make sure my brittle nails turn into iron and never fall off. At the risk of sounding like a certain disgraced pageant queen, I'll let it be more about me and stop fretting or getting upset. I'll let it slide, confront it or forget it. I'll watch The Soong sisters like a thousand times and savour every last bit of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (final season). I'll avoid poisonous influences and purge poisonous people of my life. I'll detox and both physically and spiritually.

And hopefully by 2012, I'll still have friends and people who remember me.

reap what you sow

Heartburn.

Defiance and stupidity

So I've got a potential threat of a throat infection bug in close proximity but I went ahead and wolfed down 15 satays.

God save me from gluttony.

Sent from my iPhone

stuck stuck stuck

Nobody seems to want to hire me unless I'm willing to travel at least 50-80% of the time. Apparently, I'm of little use in Singapore alone.

To be honest, I lived to travel and it was hard to think of a life otherwise say, 10 years ago. I want to be an aeroplane, failing which, pilot, failing which....other means of being paid to travel. Now, I'm stuck. Rooted and stuck. I cannot travel because family obligations bound me. I cannot find work that wants me to stay put put put in SG.

Just as well. My heart isn't here either, if not for Isaac.

I need to revisit old places, immerse in a different culture and visit new places all over again.

Steroids day 2

Side effects: insomnia, euphoria and mania.

Husband thinks I'm quite weirded out. Dancing on the spot. Sleeping at 7 pm buried under pillows then waking up later giggling away and now I'm wide awake unable to sleep.

Just went to sniff him while he is sleeping like a log. Tickle him with my hair n watch him squirm uncomfortably.

Teehee.giggle.

Can you guys hear the marbles??ping pong!

Sent from my iPhone

Veggie tales

I know God has a plan for me. Just ...WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?-breathes-

Having intense cravings for the following:
Brocoli
Fried Garlic
Sauteed shitake mushrooms

Must be the steroids. Driving me into vegetarianism.

Puffer Fish

Had dinner with Jacq tonight in what seemed like forever. Glad we did even though it nearly didn't happen.

An hour before meeting her, I had a drink and in the 15 minutes after that drink, the left side of my face was swelling. My gums felt like I had a peanut stuck on them and my vision was obscured by the swelling under my eyes and my cheeks seemed to have grown an inch.

In the waiting room at the doc's, I was swelling faster as the minutes went by. After popping steroids and antihisthamines then did it subside. So I went for dinner AND dessert still swollen and all. We bumped into another friend who exclaimed ''what happened??!!" like 100 times in 5 minutes. I was trying not to distract all the other diners and jacq and its amazing how we got to actually catch up proper inspite of the not-so-pleasing and terribly uncomfortable sight.

And I still don't know what I was allergic to since I've had tea at this outlet like too many times in a lifetime.

Bleah.

Most expensive tea I ever drank. Tea $1.50 + Doctor's fee: $47=heartache.

Husband, I'd like your rendition of this please. Go memorize and learn the lyrics

The world is awake and soaked in grief and panic

It seems rude and inappropriate to talk about anything else in the light of this catastrophic event. The foundations of the earth are literally being shaken as I type.

By now if you haven't already heard, you are probably living under a rock.

A ginormous 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan causing untold devastation.

In addition to the escalating death toll in Japan itself, many others in countries sitting in affected areas where the plates are busy crashing into each other are unable to sleep in peace tonight. They are either getting ready to evacuate or busy evacuating due to Tsunami warnings. So many lives wrecked, so many precious lives.

I wonder now, what were the last hours like? In Japan, most were spent working (or slaving). It was reported in some less affected areas, some just went back to work. I was surprised to see that in some video footages taken in an office, the employees did not go under the table (which is a normal earthquake safety procedure) but instead tried in vain to salvage items like computers and documents. I wonder really, in that precarious moment as your life is vascilating along with the building you're in between life and death, what is really so important that you can't let go? Perhaps to them, even if they survived the earthquake but lost their life's work (or week's work) , because work has been the all in all in their lives, the sole ruling authority that dictates their thoughts and time, they would be just as good as dead if these were destroyed by the earthquake.

The shakings are so violet I got sick just watching the footages on tv. I see the helplessness in the woman waving for help from her bedroom window, trapped in her house. Elsewhere in Singapore, I see people thronging the IT fair hoarding trolleys strapped with printers and laptops. It's business as usual. For some unknown reason, we have been shielded from so many natural disasters. Our worst brushes with anything remotely catastrophic was the Orchard Road flood on 16 June 2010. (I have a knack for remembering dates, don't ask why). We are so encapsulated and while I thank God for His mercy, I can't help but wonder how many people here who are warm and toasty in their beds tonight stop a think about the fragility of life, the purpose of their being and the victims of this destruction.

Are we too comfortable and sheltered? Perhaps. What would it take to wake us up? If this happened in Singapore, to us, what will our reactions be? Will our lives and priorities be different after that? Will we still stubbornly hold fast to our petty grudges or whine at the tiniest inconvenience?

Newsflash

More news followed.

Going on to the next round of interview. Was told that out of 8 applicants, I was the only one going to the next round (until more resumes come in of course). This seems to be quite a picky employer and I don't know if I should be flattered or worried.

The only negative feedback I've got so far is that I might look too young for the job. I'm really almost pushing the great 30 and feel like a grand old dame. I've permed my hair, put on muted, natural make up and dressed more maturely and I still look too young?! Mildly exasperating.

They are still trying to push me towards the role they think I'm suited for but didn't apply. having observed and read what that brand does for branding, I am certain of 2 things: 1) I will learn a lot and 2) I will have no life.

Well, well, we'll see.
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Lost

In my estimation, the interview went really well even though they thought I seemed to be more qualified for another role, one that is similar to what I've been doing all along. I meekly protested against it and re-stated my preference for the one I applied for aka the one that they were supposed to be interviewing me for.

I am in a dilemma right now. I am not so much afraid that I won't get the job but I'm afraid to land the wrong job again. What if this is yet another job that will take me away from God and my family for too much and too long? What if it's just my ambition wreaking havoc again because this is 1)a prestigious company and industry leader 2) it's a once in a life-time opportunity.

In any case, I hope they don't get back to me so soon. There'll be 4 rounds of interview (kinda like the Idol show) and then I'll know for sure if I'm selected or not. Of course, they are also pitting me against many others who are way more qualified than I ever can be.

But if I don't get the job..then what? I can continue running the outfit that we have been doing for the last 3 years although it's increasingly less feasible. OR I could just be a mom. IF we can afford it. I don't know and I think my heart lies with the last option but I think of all the odds against us and I am just back to the square one of lost.

Jittery mess

I don't know why and how to begin describing this adrenaline rush but I'm super jittery about the interview later!

Not that I'm placing all my hopes in 1 basket but I just want to make sure I don't board a pirate ship this time.

:/

I need God to speak plainly and clearly!
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Evils of Envy

Envy slithers around like a serpent, searching for a prey. It is so insidious as it creeps up on your soul that if unguarded by truth and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, it can utterly destroy.

I've been at both spectrums of it. The envious and the envied.

As the envious, I have found myself covetous and indulging in self-pity. The envy blinds me to all that I have been so thoroughly blessed with while coveting that of others. I fail to see the slippery end that awaits and the wisdom of the old adage 'with great power comes great responsibility'. I was so caught up being self-centred and my apparent poverty. I was driven by an overwhelming desire for what I did not have and that is one of the enemie's greatest tool is driving a wedge between me and God. In essence, I was saying, '' I deserve this and you are not a good God by denying me this.''


As the envied, I've had trouble too. Friendships are strained as one constantly tries to prove his/her worth or outdo. I generally shy away from envy-prone personalities. Learnt to better identify them over the years and while I sympathise and empathise with the low self-esteem that is all too common an affliction, I am staying away! Never mind that they have what the world would deem as abundance and blessings, they just envy away the one little bit they don't have or perceive that you have in greater measure than them. Proverbs aptly puts it down to ''who can stand before jeolousy?" None. Not too keen about being the benchmark for someone to outdo to feel good. The worst is yet to be and only begins when despite numerous attempts, they are unable to outdo/acquire more.

wander lust

What if opportunities opened up elsewhere and closed up at 'home'?

What if it's my least favourite land?

I left my heart and footprints in another land, a one that I possibly can never call my own and I'm desperate to reclaim it. I think I was created to be a wanderer, to live out of a suitcase.

I need to start life anew. Make your way plain before me.

And if it's another land, I prefer to travel by air, not whale.

Faithfulness

Is something so deep, so exquisite and so rare. Especially in this treacherous day and age.

I learnt faithfulness by watching your undying steadfastness, your fierce commitment to stand by me even on my worst day. And I know I couldn't have chosen another. That you are the only one.

Watching you sleep now. It's a beautiful moment. Despite our bitter fights that threaten to tear us apart at times, moments like these testify that it is all worth it. To feel your soul shielding mine when life is too hard to bear and I'm insignificant and invisible to just about everyone else. This is a glimpse of heaven.

I love you Isaac Quek.

Sent from my iPhone

What on earth

Just a tad morose.

It does get to me and makes me question my purpose, what I'm good at etc. No answers so far.

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Insight from a friend

In light of the recent upheavals and mayhem in my friendship with a particular someone, my friend poured forth her wisdom that provided valuable insight to my psyche.

At the demise/betrayal of a relationship, I always allow the endless hauntings of 'why's' harass me,robbing me of peace and joy. I want answers.

Why did you dump me?
Why did you betray me?
Why did you do this knowing it'll hurt me?

I have spent the last 27 years of my life in naïveté, convinced that 1+1=2. That if kindness begets kindness and loyalty begets loyalty. And just because there are no obvious answers to why people behave in ways that cannot be explained by this simple equation that should govern human relationships, I find my soul embedded in hurt and puzzlement with no closure at the sudden demise of a relationship, no matter how old it is.

Without these answers, I get no closure and I just go on wondering what drove people to make such decisions and what is wrong with me that makes them do things that will compromise me.

I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wondering why but I've arrived at the place whereby it will no longer surprise me when relationships Ho awry even when all the necessary ingredients are in place and the recipe is followed assiduously. It takes 2 to clap and for now, my deduction is that you, you, you and you just didn't care enough to do your part so I'll take my leave n walk away.

Good riddance.

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