Alive!

Just a short note to prove I'm alive.

Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.

There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.

This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)

There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.

I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).

How did we get here?

Has it been a crazy month or what?

Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.

We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.

Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.

I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.

Repentance

I just had an epiphany of sorts.

Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.

Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?

I didn't.

The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'

Yet, I so often do.

I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.

Where joy and sorrow meet

Death for a christian starts at the cross when we die with Christ and rise again with Him.

Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.

I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.

Lessons garnered

1)You are more aware of the fragility of life and come to terms that you are not all that invicible.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.

2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.

3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.

4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.

5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.

Lunch time musings

Psalms 143: 12
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.

They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.

My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.

I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.

My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.

Rough patch

It's been rough and just last week, I was bemoaning that the GPS of my life seems to have lost signal. Some days, the cloud shrouding my thoughts are so thick I can't see past it and I just let my emotions sink like quicksand.

I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.

Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.

I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.

I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.

However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.

Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me

-Corrine May, Will you remember me

Morbid

Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.

I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.

I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.

I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.

It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.

I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.

"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.

Why

Why do I keep on asking 'why'.

I'm never contented with the answers, if there were any at all.

I am still alive.

I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.

It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.

There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.

**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.

Disturbing eh?

I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.

Old wound

20 minutes ago, I relived the stung of a friendship gone terribly sour.

Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.

This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.

Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)

But really, how could you not.

And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.

A fork in the road

Had an extremely intense 'sliding doors' dream last night which is still haunting me many hours after I woke up.

In short, I questioned someone who seemed to know me very well if I'd chosen differently and waited, how would it really have been?

He pondered for a mere second before replying that I wouldn't. There was no room for me to have clung on, compromised on my convictions. The sum of me and all that I have been made up of would still weigh heavier than the temporal lure of the other options. And even IF I'd stubbornly refused to choose what is right and follow the lure of least resistance, somehow he knew God wouldn't allow it. That He would be gracious enough to either jolt me back or leave me with just one option. The initial display of two options is to expose my own inclinations to choose something outside than His perfect will for me and present an opportunity to rely on him, to make the right choice.

I never thought about it like that. I thought I'd chosen it and credited myself a bit too much for the good that has resulted and the bad that was averted because of the apparent wisdom of my choices. As if it'd been my own wisdom to begin with. Hindsight always provides 20/20 perfect vision but I still failed to see who prodded and guided me along.

Hours later after the dream, while I was mulling over it and asking God, He gave me this verse:

Psalms 25: 12-14

Who is the man who fears the Lord?

Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose

His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.

thank You.

In time to come, I will be presented with a greater of palette of choices and come to other forks in the course that I'd travel. In fact, everyday will be a choice. And until my savior calls me home, I have to be reminded everyday that He is my choice and everyday, I choose to ''seek Ye first His kingdom and His righteousness'' before all other things.

House keys

Has it really been 2 months already that I've had thoughts so fleeting that didn't settle long enough that I didn't document them here?

It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.

These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.

There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.

I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.

They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.

Bless the Lord for these friends.

I love you all.

It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.

He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.

It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.

Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.

Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.

I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.

I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.

Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.

I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.



While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

John Waller-While I'm waiting

i've cleaned out my ears!

what was said: raynard's going to be a dad

what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?

what was said: i'm going for lasik

what I heard: i'm going to malaysia

what was said: aloysius means warrior

what i heard: aloysius means boring

what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)

what I heard: take this brandy

the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts

The battle rages on

The war's not won.

Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.

Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.

It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.

I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.

Josh Groban - To Where You Are

For a friend. Whose mum recently left for heaven.

Why

This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.

The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.

But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.

[MV] JJ Lin - 第幾個100天 [english sub]

this is quite something.

The Blind Side

Watched this some days ago and it's been awhile since I felt like every cent of my money was worth the ticket in a movie.

While it's not a perfect movie, it reignited the always present passion and fire to adopt, to give a home and be a home for an orphan.

I cried like from the 2nd minute all the way to the end and I cannot stop reading/watching interviews of both Michael and his adoptive family. I really cannot imagine where he'd have been if he wasn't found and taken in. He would never realize his own potential and most of all, never known love and that would have been the greatest tragedy of all.

They changed his world and he changed theirs. Both for the better. That's how it works. Loving will hurt and I'm sure there are many rough patches that are downplayed in the movie but that's what family is about. You hurt then love and then do it all over again. God grows us all this way.

Someday, we want to be a channel for such a great love to be poured forth. I've said it before in an entry too long ago that I'd rather be the home for an orphan than build a home for orphans. I can't change the world but I'd like to change the world of one child. Even if the child never turns out to have a diamond hidden within or appreciate all that was done. Even if. I'd like to have the purity of heart to just love without expecting.

And I'm praying the Lord expand us in every way to make that possible.

Like Leigh Anne said, "There are many Michael Ohers out there''. Sadly, I thought, there aren't enough Leigh Anne Tuohys out there.

And like Jesus said '' the harvest is plenty but the labourers are few''.

There are no orphans of God. Those who have lost their parents need to know God as their dad and have a family restored to them in His eternal kingdom. He sets the solitary in families.

Hallehlujah!

Coolie endeavour backfired.

Those who are in the know would expect a lengthy rendition of what actually happened today that left me looking like an abused kid at the foot of PWC building.

Was scheduled to pick up some leftover stock from a retailer at his shop in Erskine Road (Near Tanjong Pagar)> drove for an hour from Orchard trying to get there (encountering two ERPs on the way because I drove into Chinatown) and ended up market street carpark because I gave up looking.

Then walked there. Except that I shouldn't. Because I also tried to walk back in the scorching heat with 30 kg of goods with NO trolley. I perspired profusely, got severely dehydrated and my head started spinning. At some point, I pulled a muscle. And because the bags were so heavy, I have bruises everywhere from the shoulders to the wrists where the straps of the bags have been (yes the bags were like 6 kg each).

I was a miserable sight and to top it off, some stupid shenton way yuppie walked past and laughed and made a pathetic comment about my plight. I honestly wanted to attack him, if I had any strength left in me. I saw my reflection in some shiny pillar and collapsed at the foot of PWC building. I was red, completely flushed and my muscles were cramping. I'd been walking for 1 hour with the load. I was starting to see stars, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and nobody offered help, drink anything.

Husband rushed down to rescue me from work in a cab. Now I have muscle relaxants in my blood stream but I'm still awake from the ache/pain/bruises.

And to top it all off, parking there for two hours cost me $9.

I hate today and I'll never repeat this feat.

But in the words of Kel, "DONT ever do that again. IF you anything remotely heavy labour, please call Pete (her husband). Or else the friendship is on the line"

Am so touched. :'( but it is too late. I hope I'll have a slot at the Tui Na place/ Physio tomorrow.

光良 - 少年

Although I don't totally understand every word of this song, it somehow reasonates in me.

Somehow, I think I respected myself more in my youth. It's almost like I was a more 'honorable' person then. Some thought I was brash but it just meant that I don't mince my words. Some thought I was stubborn but that same vehement refusal to compromise has saved me alot of heartache and reaped plenty of good for me. Some thought I was constantly living in rebellion, against social norms, corrupt authority perhaps. In spite of the angst, I managed to retain some semblance of innocence and genuinely believed in people until otherwise proven wrong.

I wonder how much of all that remains now.

Just passing by

Had a really great weekend.

young adult's gathering at the mitchell's. good fun and food and got to know some newbies. I also sorta signed up for the youth ministry. (daunting thought). It's funny how I'm one of the oldest there and some of the younger ones couldn't believe my age when I told them. They were like 'I can't believe you're so old!" haha. Oldest age guess was 22. I don't know if that's a good thing especially at work. Oh well, in time I'm sure that will be something I'll be thankful for.

Then there was David and jade's wedding, dinner with Simon and Tarryn etc. Was so nice to meet up with friends of old and laugh and laugh. Simon and Tarryn are amazing. They're such an inspiration to me and Isaac and it's always good to hang out with them. I'm so blessed to have such shining examples in my life. Another couple would be Pastor Michael and Esther who've been so kind to us too. Coincidentally, they're all caucasian...I wonder if God will send us an asian role model for marriage anytime soon.

And now we're busy trying to wrap up work, housework and pack for Bangkok!

Wanted to blog on my thoughts on marriage yesterday when I was sleepless but now those thoughts are in disarray. If they come back, I'll record them down here.

After Bangkok, we're speeding towards CNY. This bullet train of life never stops.

new definitions

a good friend will forgo her eyelash perming session even though she claims to have seriously straight eyelashes to come and accompany you in your house just because something strange happened (ie. locked from inside).

a good husband will eat the food you cooked. no matter how bad it tastes and still be thankful for it.

a good cousin will offer (sorta) to help clean your house because Chinese New Year is round the corner and you don't have the best house-keeping track record.

Whee!

!!!!

i told him that i feel i look quite stupid.

him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..

SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.

my incredibly slow day.

The last few days have been sluggish. I could do more work if I wanted to but inertia got the better of me and I remained ...sluggish. I finished all my work related duties by 3pm and was heading home from a meeting by 330.

I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.

Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.

I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.

On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.

I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.

So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.

Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.

reflections thus far

I tend to be extra reflective during the passing of a previous year or birthdays.

I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.

Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.

At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.

I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.

While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.

This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.

my first post of 2010.

While I don't miss it and I'm not sure if I'll be back anytime soon, I'm very glad I went.

Nothing short of awesome this entire trip despite the fatigue and the cold.

We even had the opportunity to have a (not-so-friendly) debate with a polyseltizing soka member who spared no ammunition in damning other religions which he has 'tried' while exalting his own. I was no match for his machine-gun fast soliloquy and I left telling him that I'm sorry he didn't think Christianity didn't work for him. I told him that I just hope he'll one day realize that Jesus does love him and did go to the cross for him.

On the last day, after the worst blizzard that paralyzed traffic and the entire city in so many ways, weather reports warned further of level 5-6 winds which were commonly described as blades slicing your skin. We ventured out nonetheless, albeit cautiously andI prayed that as we steppedout, the winds would stop. Honestly, my faith was as miniscule as a mustard seed but that was all that was required right? Because the winds did stop. And we got out safe. Everyone was puzzled coz the weather reports were hardly ever wrong. I was humbled that the tiny prayers of an ordinary girl were answered by the almighty God.

Throughout it all, we were kept safe. Later that day, as we were leaving for the airport, we had a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel and testify to our tour guide who lapped it up hungrily. She too had some exposure to Christianity but never really made the choice to commit. I pray that the words we sowed into her heart that day germinate fast and grow into a steady strong plant that will never be uprooted or shaken. It was so uncanny coz the day before , I was just getting ready for bed and I felt led to pray for her. It's amazing how quickly God answers with spirit-led prayers and the very next day, an opportunity arose without us probing and she initiated the conversation in that direction.

Going to Beijing this harsh winter has shown me so much beyond the history and culture and touristy exposures. It breaks the momentum of my everyday life and interrupts it with snippets on how other people live and provides a peek into a lost world without Christ. The world is so much bigger than I know it to be and the lost is hungry. The harvest is plenty but where are the labourers?

I don't know if God will ever uproot me from this sunny isle where I was born but we're open. I met a guy who wasn't ashamed of his faith to shout it out boldly because he thought it was THE good news. This example alone puts many of us Christians who have the real deal to shame. We hide not just our talents but openly dismiss the call of the Great Commission while seeking our own hedonistic desires.

Where are our prayers really chanelled? Where are our lives heading? What are we living for? It took a non-believer to awake the hypocrisy within me that professes that I'm living for Christ yet having no deep interest of the souls He died to save.

God help me.

Of late

-Recently concluded christmas events with Tangs. Heaved a big sigh of relief and am thankful that sales results are very good.

-Pondering about 2010 and getting reflective about 2009.

-celebrated Christmas and our 1st year anniversary. cannot believe it's been a year. still in shock.

-heading for Beijing. The weather's mad. Just as I was seeking comfort in the fact that it's warming up, temperatures have dipped yet again and now the highest is -2 deg celcius. Lowest at -12.

-Looking forward to Jan.There's Bei jing , our staycation and Bangkok. All in a month. After a very 'labourious' year, they had to come all at once.

-setting goals for 2010 and wondering how to get there.

-successfully executing certain recipes..so Isaac's like really happy and full.

Nomadic instincts

I am so sleepy but delivery beckons.

I want to go back to Hong kong.

Its strange how certain places away from home makes me feel at home. Wanderlust.

It's such a conundrum. I was born to travel and yet I feel strangely homesick every single time.

I really can live out of a suitcase forever, eat airplane food and sleep with a neck pillow without complaints.

Perhaps perhaps

Of late, I've been having the ridiculous insane notion of returning to my studies.

I truly regret giving up my chance at Murdoch to pursue psychology when most of my freetime is spent reading psych books, commentaries and wikipediaing psych-related stuff. This also translates to my fanaticism over 'criminal minds' which focuses on criminal psychology and 'the mentalist' which employs the study of human behavior and criminal psych. (The latter is quite crappy but I follow faithfully anyway)

Infact, my psych textbooks are the only relics I keep from NUS. Despite being a history major. Today, I can remember more about the damage done to the brain's cortex during an episode of chemical imbalance than the American civil war. I want to try to understand various mental illnesses and be equipped with the keys to free the captives trapped within the dungeons of mental illnesses.

I don't know why I made the U turn back and don't know if it was God's hand at work. But I can't wondering 'what if'.

If things had gone the way I wanted, I might still be studying or be on a very very different course in life. I wouldn't be selling lotions and shower cremes. www.soothe.com.sg might be a website with resources to soothe the inner turmoils that afflict many souls. Everything will probably be not that too different from the now but viewed from different lenses. My business will probably not be related to providing bathing supplies for the body but to bathe the wounds left by the ravaging diseases of the mind.

Ah well, its a bygone era that I can't reclaim. Maybe I'll revisit this when my grandchildren arrive or try to re-enrol into university with my kids. We'll see. If ever.

The last pages of 2009

It's getting better and I can see the light at the end of this 6 week long tunnel.

I've been so busy I forgot to indulge in my annually whimsical, nostalgic end-of-the-year stock take on life. Instead of being mopey as I contemplate and get all introspective, I was veering towards physical and mental burn-out instead and hanging precariously off the cliff of sanity.

I suddenly miss certain people and wish I could give them a call. But I knew I wouldn't know what to say and also have to contend with their surprise because its been ages since they've even heard a whim from me. Especially if they're not even on facebook.

Just like that, I've been married for a year. And lived 26 years of my life. And still wondering where this bullet train called life will ever slow down for me to smell the roses take in the sights.

For someone who doesn't have many memories to fall back on to reminisce, I find it strange that I feel the way I do at this time of the year. While I miss the innocence, laughter and predictability of yesteryear, there is no way I'd go back even if I could.

Yet when I hang out with youths almost a decade younger, they bring out so much of me. In youth, we don't have the prerogative of hindsight and wisdom. In their pits, no matter how deep or shallow, they can't see the possibility of getting out of it. The 'defining' exams that threaten to seal their fates were the single most major thing. Depending on their results, it would be either a huge catastrophe or their passport to a somewhat eternal bliss. (Until the next big exam) I find myself laughing inwardly when I listen in on their conversations and try to follow their erratic train of thoughts, reminders that even though their landscapes are now renovated with ipods and various other gadgets, I've walked that very same road too.

It was a small world with fixed routes before you arrive at the great unknown and adulthood beckons and responsibilities increase. It was a world where your first love had utter dominion over your under developed heart. (and when you had to go separate ways, that same heart died) Where a single disagreement rocked like an earth-shattering earthquake. Where grades in school were determinants of success. It was a pre-historic time before life taught you to distrust, before fortresses were built around vulnerable hearts etc.

Today I'm just glad for the handful of friends I've been graced to grow up with and grow old with. That they are the constants I can fall back on when the world throws me with too much confusion and change. I miss them and hope to see them more often before life robs too much of our time together. I miss those who have fallen away for reasons I don't even remember anymore, whose friendships I once cherished so much, those who've known me enough to finish my sentences but didn't stay long enough to finish journeying life with me.

Like you said in my dream last night, "I truly ache ..."

Wish you well, whereever you are now.

a really long weekend

so my body and immunity finally gave way today after subjecting it to very little rest. the body finally gave up and everything came crashing down like an endless torrent (of mucus) .

had a great day with Pete and Kel nonetheless celebrating Isaac's bday. So thankful for them hatching and planning the day which I felt awfully guilty for not participating much in as I've been working weekends, late nights etc.

Another highlight was Ade's wedding. After a gruelling 20 hours or so, it ended and I sincerely wish them the best in life ahead together as one. There were many laughs along the way to alleviate the fatigue and I'm glad it went well. Missed Ah belle though.

It led me to realise I've been nearly married for a full year myself. Where did time go?

Looking forward to the Christmas for some much required rest and to take stock of the year before and plan for what's ahead. Exciting plans but have to try to not get carried away like I so often have tendencies for.

In the meantime, counting down to our anniversary, christmas, bonuses, BJ and BKK. :)

what's on my mind.

-black bean soup (been awhile since I last drank it. Grandma used to cook it so often)
-carrot,potato soup
-beef stew
-peri peri grilled chicken (the nearest nando's is in kl so I gotta find my own way)
-Assam fish curry
-Chap chye

ah belle, come back soon. u're the only one who will cook out with me.

Youth is wasted on the young.

Today I woke up feeling old.

It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.

It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.

I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.

My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.

Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.

musing from the bullet train of life.

this year flew by fast. Soon, we'll be celebrating our first year anniversary as husband and wife! Praise the Lord for everything He has done for us.

The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.

On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.

I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.

And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.

Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.

The irony and mystery of it all.

Blindness

The trappings of the passing world can blind us so much until we are so caught up with self that we forget that there are multitudes besides us.

This isn't about social responsibility. I marvel at how we Christians, who lift our hands on Sunday in praise can go on to Monday with our hands stuffed into our pockets of comfort and shrug nonchalantly at the other catastrophes that beset countless others.

If there's a call to mobilize the army of God, then where are teh warrior who claim victory from the pulpits and pews but do nothing otherwise. No one fights a war sitting on their hands. Undoubtedly, spiritual wars should not be engaged by hands and feet but should be fought from our knees but there has to be a rising with His strength to step out to shine as our duty calls when gross darkness besets the earth. The church ahs a responsibility in these dark hours to shinein places devoid of color and hope and usher Jesus to the lost and dying. Its the golden opportunity of a moment here in history.

And these are my humble 2 cents worth as I continue to battle the flesh that also vainlessly cling on to the comforts I enjoy..Noting also that I'm but a single voice.

And pardon me if I turn a deaf ear to another lament on how there's not enough money for vain material pursuits when a 3rd world nation co-exists on the same planet. Some, right under our noses in this greatly affluent country.

I do have a personal vendetta against iniquity, poverty, sickness and injustice. And I've decided that I'll hate these more than I love my comforts and false securities.

The gods of this world has wreaked a havoc big enough for too long. I cannot wait for the day the church arises, not out of debris and dust but out of the dead weights of hedonism, in-fighting, greed and other lusts to join the revolution with heavenly ranks and win the world with and for Jesus Christ.

In the meantime, I pray and wait. and listen.

-I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waitingI will serve You
While I'm waitingI will worship
While I'm waitingI will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait-

While I'm waiting, John Waller (a man who waited 17 years)

Waiting.

Yesterday's sermon in church was a solid punch straight from heaven. I've never heard something quite like that, so honest, so brutal , so righteous and so true.

Without a doubt, I started shedding tears.

Later in the day, I came across the sunday times article on the ''cagedog'' slums in HK which angered and saddened me. HK has always been a city close to my heart and the great Gini coefficient always appalled me. The dismay of the poor is so great and the poor are really so poor and forgotten. I can't imagine them slipping through the cracks of society into an eternal darkness without knowing Jesus.

Yet, this is also the city that produces a great proportion of billionaires, even more millionaires and has more LV shops than Paris itself. In fact, the biggest LV store in the world was previously in Hk (marginally overtaken by SG now).

I wonder if anyone is reaching out to these people and delivering the good news of the Gospel to them. I wonder if any practical aid is streaming in or are we all too caught up in the comforts of our own lives and various material pursuits. There has to be more than one Jackie Pullinger in HK.

I am willing to go and I've been praying about this for months but the flesh is weak. Here is my confession: that I think I'll get nauseous and throw up before entering because of the stench and my hyperchondriac tendencies might kick in.

But at the same time, I cannot help but feel great compassion for this group of the lost. And I know this compassion is not mine but from above. I can almost feel Him weeping for them as they wallow around in their mire of despair and hopelessness.

I don't know how. The flesh is so weak and I'm scared. I know the opportunities to partner with any group also haven't presented itself yet but I stay awake thinking of them. The nameless dirty faces that don't know Jesus as redeemer, savior and friend.

Praying that the Lord equips, strengthens and sends. At the end of the day, I want to be where He is and I know He dwells in slums and hospitals. Praying spirit overcomes the flesh.

Waiting.

my little piece of heaven

If my life was an epistle, i hope that under the lenses of observers, you will see that God is good-to me, through me.

Suddenly, all the events that happened made sense. I see how His hand skilfully orchestrated all to build, to strengthen to demonstrate Himself in His infinite power when my finite power is utterly depleted. I'm sorry for the lamentations and the doubt. Thankful for the grace and mercy and the sweet blessings I've turned a blind eye to.

At the work front, I'm still amazed at how the expansion is going despite having started with a mere 5 loaves and 2 fishes. We are ramping up on our existing infrastructure to cope with the increased demand and trying to find new avenues to launch new lines.

I even had to slow things down by turning down/postponing projects as I simply couldn't cope and didn't want to compromise on the simpler but far better things in life. I know God did not give me this business for me to neglect friends and Him so I have to engage wisdom actively to embark only on the projects and the paths He leads me to, not everything that presents itself.

I'm humbled by the beginnings of this business and where it has been and where it is heading. Am not the least perturbed by the detour and the apparent disappointments in the delay of the shop because for once in a seemingly long time, I've learnt to trust again knowing His plans are the best and I cannot force my way through and expect no grief.

This journey is so precious as I learn to follow, trust and obey. Every step I take in obedience unveils His majesty and goodness even when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Even as I work, I need to know that money is my servant, not my master and God forbid it even stages any uprising in my heart and try to dethrone God himself.

I read an interesting quote in the papers today about money being like manure which has to go around for it to generate good. Something along those lines. Even as I depise debauchery and hedonism, I must take note not to judge the people in bondage to it because I've been there myself.

I've been really enjoying and savouring marriage. So thankful for him and us. So glad I married this one. I saw in a memo he stored in his phone "do something special for wife''. It's so typically him to say something like that and for that I just want to squeeze, hug and inhale him in.

I know there are problems and the daily mundaneness to go through. But I'm so joyful and thankful for these simple pleasures of life that cannot be bought.

:)

in brief

-some big purchases coming up. decisions.
-some new projects, expansions. decisions
-some detours. but not disappointed.
-good friend heading off. be back in 2 months. loss (albeit, temporarily)
-thankful for us. gratitude
-hooked on times square sermons (again!)
-farmville (:p)
-enjoying church tremendously again (:))
-backaches (treacherous)
-increasing workload
-one friend in love. :)
-granduncle's passing but home with Jesus
-learning cantonese. slow but progressing. (arduous)
-wondering where to go for holiday at year end. decisions
-wants to lose weight-3 kg? i need to fit into my old clothes (don't yell)
-growing intimacy with Him. (heaven)
-sanity despite the insanity around (in the cleft of the rock)
-love love love. (in love with Love)

Speak

Speak when u nudge my heart
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.

changing perspectives

It's been more than a month since my last entry.

Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.

I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.

My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.

I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.

I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.

I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.

but somehow like always, You'll get me through.

Contentment

i think He is trying to re-engineer my thought processes so that I'll finally learn to think with sense and arrive and happiness, joy and fulfilment.

Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.

I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.

So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?

My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.

The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.

I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.

How you love me-Bebo Norman

Hope came home,Home to me today,And fear has run the other way.And words are weak;They don't know how to say,"You know I still believe in You."And should my dreams fall through,I will be safe with You.So with every breath I can breath,I'll sing about how You love me.I'll sing about how You love me.

idolatory in my life.

i don't usually write things like these.

I was reading 1 Cor 10 and Paul is warning against idolatory which I've realized to take my insidious forms and is more cleverly disguised than the mere worship of idols such as statues etc. An idol is essentially what is crafted by hand and we are told to rid our lives of all idols.

It suddenly struck me this week that I have a whole altar of idols in my life and in this modern day and age, there are so many more and because they don't take on the form of the archetype of statues sitting on an altar, we dismiss them when they've all but set up thrones in our lives and govern our decisions accordingly.

Last Sunday in church, my pastor brought up this example- there was this king in the bible who was so evil he sacrificed his own children to his gods. Child sacrifice is clearly undisputedly an abomination and a clear act of evil.

Are we not doing these today when work has become our gods? Are we not ourselves a generation of children who have grown up less than whole because our parents made the decision to give their lives to their work (god) ?

And now today, Paul says it this way in verse 7 , "Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written ' the people sat down to eat and drink and rose to play'"

Have we not become our own idols in pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and self-seeking objectives and comforts? I never thought of it this way and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.

I am sad to acknowledge in all my years as a christian, so little is preached on following the call at ALL costs and crucifying the flesh at ALL costs and living a life so separate and sanctified. I can count the messages on one hand that have at least briefly addressed this because this is not at all comforting to the ears of this generation who simply cry out for more blessing, which happens to only be measured in financial and material units.

This is an extremely uncomfortable message and it is the message of Paul. He delivers this as a sombre warning to the Corinthian church and admonished them strongly to not partake of the ways of those who had gone by fallen before them. It's been said so often, let the bible interpret the bible..and now, we see yet another aspect of idolatory.

I don't know if this speaks to anyone else but its time to tear down another throne that has erected itself in the presence of the Living God in my heart and not be a fool to carelessly brush this off.

I know He is not coming back for a bride so caught up with herself and her comforts. I know He is returning for a warrior bride without spot nor blemish and I don't want to be part of any body of influence including circles of friends that will otherwise point me in the road of least resistance because I can sail along and enjoy the breeze. I am not sure if I am strong enough to withstand against the values that try to creep into my soul and overtake my heart and love for Him. I have no confidence and thats why I made the not-so-painful decision to 'circumcise' many people out of my life.

And I'll very much seek fellowship with the remnant (few as they are) to charge along this course in pursuing Him and His purposes at all costs, ridding ourselves (daily if need be) of pursuits that tie us down to lesser things and prove to be nothing but deadweights in our pursuit of Him. I don't want to be a coward and allow my fears of not having enough to rule me. I don't want my lust for temporal things to overcome my zeal for Your glory. Before I'm ready to usher His kingdom here on earth, I must ensure that my heart and will is subject to this kingdom's authority entirely.

And I want to rest in the exhilirating delight that in their company and His, I'm home.

I need to

know where You're leading
stand at the edge of the ocean and feel small
remember why this is all for
feel you with me in my lonely hours
smile at sweet memories
forget the lemon tinged ones
let the warm rays of the sun wash my face
let the wind sweep my hair
feel the cold
marvel at intricacies of architecture
well up because my heartstrings are tugged
gaze at cute babies
and maybe pinch their fat cheeks
smell them
play with puppies
get zesty about life
smell the roses (not literally, coz i'll sneeze)
sing without a care that i'm way out of pitch
laugh like no one is looking (or guffaw)
gorge on sambal stingray
bury my face in watermelon
drive aimlessly
swim at 2 am
visit italy
sit at the edge at grand canyon and dangle
bounce off the walls
not bother
take 2 months to visit friends in far flung places
visit the forbidden city, tiannanmen
twirl my spaghetti endlessly
watch ice disappear in my drink
build a pokka green tea tap
move singapore away from the equator
smell fruity shampoos
burn fat
wonder
dream
love

Again, I wonder

Despite the very significant progress and breakthroughs, I wonder yet again when will I see the fruition of all I sought to grow. If it was a luscious vineyard I set out to plant and grow, i think the plants would be all up and I'll just be waiting for the grapes to show up. While patience takes its time to mature in the petulance of my being, I find it hard being still, being at ease with me.

I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?

Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.

These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.

I've been so wrong.

Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.

So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.

Because that was really why You created me for.

dear J

Dear Jeremiah

We didn't even get to see your face except through sonograms and ultrascans. Your parents are bitterly grieved right now even as they seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. Now we must all concede that you'll grow up in heaven and that we'll only see you again when we finish our earthly course.

I wish we had a chance to know each other. I was telling your mommy the other day on what to get you and making plans to go shopping in anticipation for your arrival. Now with you gone, all our hopes are dashed. You were even going to be the spokesperson for my new botty balm. I guess babies in heaven don't use botty balms.

I am sad but nothing compares to the grief your parents feel. Nothing that is sad can alleviate their private burden of grief. I don't know what to do and there is no way I can bring you back.

So you'll be incubated in heaven, grow up in heaven and never know misery or suffering. You'll grow up untainted, beautiful and glorious. While we take great comfort in that, we can't help but mourn still. It's inexplicable. You were the fruit and hope of your parents' joy, a testament to their love and now we have to bid you goodbye before saying 'welcome to the family'.

when you learn how to say your first words, read your first letter, remember this one and hug Jesus for us. Greet the hosts of angels who watch over us here below. We trust you are well but we cannot help but ache for the opportunity to have you with us.

Words fail me as I try to think of what to say to you, in the vain hope you'll know, hear or even understand. They say you were just a foetus, a fusion of cells but to us you are so much more. You are Jeremiah and your parents even nicknamed you peanut. You are a person with a destiny with a character, with so much. We were going to pour our love out on you and smother you with affection.

Now, I am at a loss. And so are your parents.

there are so many unanswered questions but i know its not fair to load them on you. i just wish it was plainer, clearer and that there'll be closure. i don't think they'll ever forget you and truly move on. even as they heal, there'll be a scar to remind them of you. Maybe that's how the Lord Jesus is constantly reminded of us-the scars on His hands and feet.

i think about your parents before i sleep and i cannot but cry for them. do you know how much they love you? please ask Jesus to heal them and let them hope again. please ask Jesus to pour down His comfort and grieve with them. we'll wait in anticipation for your future sibilings to arrive even as we struggle to fly again with our broken wings.

till then and till we see you again, remember that down here, on this place we call earth, there are people who love you, very much.

there is so much more

this might be a cliche but everything happens for a reason. a greater one that the preceding event.

there has to be a reason for my business. i'm not referring to the cause but what the purpose it is meant to fulfil.
there is a reason for us being blessed. and it annoys me to no end when they can't see it. really, the world does not just revolve around us.

there are other people in a predicament more needful than ours. our time of abundance will come, when unbelief breaks away and there is no restraint. or when our hearts are truly circumcised such that the blessing will not eat away at our soul and cause us to bank on our treasures here on earth.

these lesser things keep our eyes from eternity and the greater purpose and it fools us to build our treasures here on this miserable earth that yields no true promise. isn't this the foolishness we so despise?

then what are you doing?

the money can serve more masters than you.
you don't twist God's arm to get what you want.
really, money stinks in the hands of the wicked.

it's so scary that we allow self to envelop our entire conciousness and there's nothing beyond our purpose in life than to seek the fleshly fulfilments of it when He has promised so much more.

the army is in slumber, not ready for war. not ready to relinquish their rights, not ready to take up the fight, busy fulfillling the lusts of the flesh. we cannot wear the armour and embrace the world. we cannot walk the ways of Babylon while trying to ascend Zion.

the bride is unprepared, not ready for her wedding day. she is languishing in pride, stupour and unbelief that the time is near.

the bridegroom is long suffering.

the commander of the army calls out but gets only a weak response.

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

I've been surrounded by a cloud of untruthfulness lately from people. It is extremely awkward when you bust their lie/hypocrisy and you know it's nothing but a cloud of smoke but have to watch them go on anyway in their little performance that no one enjoys.

**

It's painful when you know there was even a tinge of betrayal. And I say 'betrayal' only because I don't really have the right words. You could afford to be more honest, especially to me. But you didn't exactly steal anything, you just merely turned your back and hoped I didn't realize. And I wish I didn't find out.

Now I don't know how to face you and watch you keep up with your act, your disguise. It's too difficult to commute along the dark alleys of dishonesty to reach your heart and I'm not sure if I am ready to make that journey.

I am not that hurt. Slightly disappointed that you chose this.

But ah well, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I guess I chose to look the other way as well until it came to slap me in the face.

Go on and hide. I won't look (back).

**
Then there's you who has the dagger hidden in your sleeve, like a panther ready to pounce. It's so hard to decipher between the lines of your smiles and enthusiastic speech, like you really mean well.

Your over-zealous grin fades into nothing the moment I turn my back. Your every breath spells deceit to me and you remind me of a sleuthy panther, ready to pounce on a prey in the dark. You are always in ambush, never out in the open. You hunt with skill in the dark, I choose to be in the light and it frustrates you.

I'm just as frustrated at this game you play. It's a dog-eat-dog world we live in but I refuse to be your fellow bitch. It shouldn't be this way, especiallly for you. I hope you snap out of this pretense and fight because you're really dancing with the devil. I have been averted from your ploys too many times by the sheer mercy of the One who watches my back. What you are doing is dark but not hidden from His eyes. Wake up, seek mercy and move on. Your way will lead you to the pits.

updatingforthesakeofupdating.zzz

i dreamt last night that someone said to me 'update your blog!'.

but only such a select few read it (and i'm not even entirely sure if they still do) but well i'll obey the voice and update anyway. because my children will read it, one day.

coming back from church camp is surreal. God has been moving, speaking, working. such a busy God i say. so i'm back with fresh insights , fresh faith and some extra weight in body, soul and spirit. i could do with more though but i know i ned to feed daily on Him and keep the walk, instead of looking for 'highs' that the camps bring.

we've been warring so hard for so many things that has beset us we relished the much-needed break. i feel empowered even though i'm currently very sleep deprived. there's so much that happened that needs to be properly documented, retold to friends i love, lest i forget. i think isaac and i also had a fresh new lease of life and he said i came back different. i hope he is not referring to the extra weight only tho. i say, he is quite very different too and i like the new him.

i'm sorry this post sounds so boring even tho it really is quitevery exciting. i am just too sleepy.

its lunch time, monday. go figure. i will findmy words another day to convey the happening happenings.

zzz.

what i do when i have a problem and refuse to deal with it

• go shopping
• dream about the places i want to visit. italy, US, china and erm, norway.
• stare at the huge rock i want to have on my finger that is pink.
• lust after every imaginable kind of shoe/clothes etc. yet not have the mood to buy them, cept the shoes.
• watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s (i'm out of detective dramas)
• cry a little
• lose appetite
• sleep a lot.
• work anyways. (the diciplinarian in me)

too late.

had a meeting with some business associates today and we candidly talked about my dialect group and how rare it is.

them: so can you speak it? say something! (i felt like an alien ..again)
me: ok. -rattles off something-
them: so what's that?
me: big thumb, index finger etc.
them: you really should have learnt a more useful phrase like 'how are you?"

good point.

when i do find fellow hockchias, i literally scream 'big thumb, index finger' to let them know i'm a fellow kinsman.

best days.

i was uglier, skinnier, gawkier, nerdier and gigglier.
but i was also happier.
life was simpler.
can you really blame me for getting abit stuck on the 'best days of my life'?
i'm not stuck in the past. believe me, i'm really in the present.
that's why i've stopped laughing.

'Best days', its been awhile since we met. last week, i briefly caught you but you slipped right out of my fingers like sand.

i'm not sad now. i'm just temporarily melancholic. it'll pass.

the telegram you sent me left a rancid taste in my being. i've never tasted the sweetness you once gave, again. when i saw you, i thought, 'ah, that's it all over again' but this time it left a very strange after taste. like hard liquor.

we danced on cloud 9 everyday. i was so happy at the now defunct lips cafe. lido, cineleisure, taka square, we personalized those places. they belonged to us.

those were the days my hip bones protruded at the side and people marvel that they can count my ribs. my hide has since gotten thicker since you left. my hair's gotten way longer. i even pierced my years.

i met 'grow up'.

'grow up' made me meet 'get tough'. then i was further introduced to 'get tougher'. it didn't happen overnight. my tears were left undried. my wounds were left unmended. there are calluses on my heart and i have so many unanswered questions. my once incessant laughter abated. instead of laugh lines, i now have fine lines under my eyes.

i didn't think we were foolish. it was innocence that prevailed. we encountered grief and misery, angst and melancholy but there was always love and strength to see us through. we saw each other everyday and that alone was mighty consolaton.

so when i thought i saw you that day, my heart skipped a beat with excitement. you turned briefly with your back still facing me. i wanted to call out to you but you kept walking away. and you told me with tears in your eyes, as if you knew everything that transpired within the last 10 years, that we'll meet again, in the future.

likewise, i'll turn my back and walk the other way, towards future. so i'll find you there again.

see you soon.

"...forgetting those things that are behind and reaching forwaqrd to those thngs which are ahead."
Phil 3.13
Apostle Paul

can't wait.

daddy's going to atlanta on sat.
mei ling's going to cambodia on the same day.

=(
can't wait for malacca/australia. both jesus infused themed-trips.

i might be the girl the star fell on.

destiny.

I know its there and more real to me than it ever was say 10 years ago. it has to be a greatness that I can't even dream about. that encapsulates every atom in my being. that can only be Him.

we were truly born for such a time as this. not to luxuriate in all that this world currently offers on a slashed price tag but so much more. to saltify and light up a world in deep peril, at the small window and threshold where His light can still shine before another ruler enforces his throne.

I cannot just sit around to wait for another weekend and to not make each minute count. Im a warrior and a bride and both takes plenty of preparation. it just was never meant to be so easy. The vision burns too brightly for me to look the other way and besides, looking the other way would really kill me. I was born to be this and trying to brush it off would be a gross injustice to the Master who carefully designed me for the said purpose. Sometimes, the hurts and discouragements of life set me back so much I can barely move an inch. But then You happened.

my destiny is bigger than my business. my family. its bigger than me. its tied to so many others i can't afford to be held back by petty griefs incurred because of offenses. the lord almost assured in His word that there will be offense. thanks to you , my sin will be as grave as yours if i chose to ruin in and let my flesh execute vengeance. but He cried mercy even for those far more savage. and ever since He began his ministry, he is all about redemption and then....*drumroll*, he happens to live in me. its a difficult difficult choice. its like dying and I need so much wisdom and grace to get through it. to will to forgive, to lay off the debt and injustice. but my destiny is at stake and I know I wouldn't have it any other way. God can do without me anytime of the day and my part toplay might be considered small in the light of eternity and all the others who have gone before me. but small as mymantle may be, its mine. and if its done for Him, i know its worth it.

I was really inspired by what was shared in the church bulletin which was an exerpt from Lance Wallnau's article. Love to share it with you all.

"The West Point Corp of Cadets, class of 1915 was no different from any other cohort until the nation entered into its hour fo crisis. Suddenly, a class of ordinary students, captured in a crucible of history, was transformed into company of statesmen and warrirors, set apart by God to save their nation and the rst of the world from the tyranny of ruthless dictators. This particular West Point class of 1915 is famously called :' The Class the Stars Fell On'.The demands placed upon this class for leadership was without precedent. After graduating, the class of 164 cadets saw more than a third of the class promoted to the rank of General. Actually, 59 in all-24 Brigadier Generals, 24 Major Generals, 7 Lt Generals, 2 Generals with 4 star, and 2 Generals with 5 star'."

Isaac vs Paris

and Isaac wins. (I think )

yesterday he asked me if i would take up a trip for an all expenses paid (including shopping) trip to say somewhere like Paris if he couldn't make it. if it was somewhere like Asia, i might give it a pass more readily.

i vehemently said no at first. if Paul Mccartney didn't spend a single day apart from Linda during their 30 + years marriage, I just don't see why I should. I mean, the thought of spending 3 days away from him in Sydney is already quite unbearable as yet. I would like to think myself as rather independent. as in even though i'm not blessed with a great inate sense of direction, i somehow can survive, find food and lodging and manage in a foreign city alone. (read: how i found first aid when there's none with a sanitary pad)

then when he said 'are you sure?even with unlimited shopping?" and i felt my 'no's waning in gusto.

but the verdict is, no one is banging down my door to offer me the above so i don't have to mull too much over it. YET.

but its really so hard to be apart. its like sometimes we overdose on each other and I can't wait to get a breather and miss the days i've got SPACE on my own apart from him, especially when we annoy each other. but the moment we're apart, i feel like i can quite die from lovesickness. and even though i always survive, the cliche stands true: absence does make the heart grow fonder.

most of the time, i think, we spend a good amount of time falling in love with each other over and over again. its not like we don't have our epic fights that threaten so much in this still young marriage but deep deep down , there is that unshakeable, precious bond that irrevocably binds us together . and He gives us enough grace to forgive, enough love to soothe away the hurts and harsh words every single time.

i hate to quote someone like meredith grey but i like her answer when Mcdreamy asked her what she would like in her vows -"promose to love me even when you hate me".

i just want to cherish and be faithful to all that He has given me and the vows that bind me. to love him well and serve him well. i've been loved with something so divine and i don't want to give any less. he is the treasure that God has given me and the vessel through which God has chosen to love me. imperfect as he is, i just want to give more and let Him always love him through me.

unrestable.

Flowchart

1)flu like symptoms
2) stomach flu like symptoms

course of action then: ignore.

symtoms proceed to get better. with a residue of cough etc.

3)flu seems to return with a vengeance.

complete with incessant sweat even at 20 deg, blocked nose and cough.

so the sinseh said i'm too week. not enough qi.
need to nourish badly.

faint.

12 packets of bitter bitter medicine later, i am semi recovering. and i know i am unrestable until some foreign ang moh medicine knocks me out for like 14 hours straight.

=|

Marriage

It's almost 6 mths since we said our vows and signed away our lives to one another. despite having dated for 5.5 years prior to marriage, which i thought was a pretty long period, i am still discovering new things about him.

the first few months were like an orientation on how to live with caveman. its like a trip to somewhere quite as ulu as new guinea so that you can experience the wildlife and encounter God. the latter was good but the former nearly drove me insane. i'm an urbanite living in the 21st century. its like kate meets leopold (somewhat).

our long time habits also proved to be a point of contention that sparked off some fireworks (to put it VERY lightly). i don't understand why he must leave all the cupboard doors open after he takes his clothes. so imagine my horror to find drawers/cupboard doors etc open when i wake up in the morning. its like my house was ransacked! maybe God was testing my patience and love while Isaac tries to get into Narnia.

(if it happens, i'll begin course on Narnia 1101. at least it helps me to beat the heat in way too sunny singapore.)

our bed sharing habits also leave much to be desired. to his credit, he is not as bad as me although quite bad in his own right. since we have a king sized bed, i have tendencies to roll and do a popiah in my sleep.

one night after maybe just two rolls or so, i briefly opened my eyes in my stupour and found an empty spot on a pillow. so i laid my head to rest and slept relatively peacefully before i began the next roll. so in the morning, when i tried to roll again in the same direction, i was awakened by a yelp. for some reason, despite the no lack of space, we were both sharing the same pillow and the same little space and i hadcollided into him while trying to begin a roll again! sigh.

on a better note, i really like to watch him sleep. its like a comedy altogether watching him dig his nose in his sleep etc. sometimes he smiles in his sleep and presses both his hands together and puts them under his ear while sleeping on his side, like a child. how cute! then i cannot resist and i will try to kiss him while he is asleep and he will instinctively suddenly 1)flip over or 2)use his hand to brush me away. thankfully, i've mastered the art of ducking and injuries have been significantly reduced since the first month.

i entertain occasional thoughts about filming/photographing him in his sleep and posting them on facebook. but i don't think he'll appreciate it. so i ditched that thought.

so there, there's marriage 1101 documented for my children to read about. for me, it was like learning to live with a godly caveman. and for all its worth, its been wonderful.

i dreamt a little dream

and woke up. thus explaining this 6.27 am post. i just couldn't get back to sleep.

i know the peranakan mania is over now that the little nonya has ended its run and it is for me too (even though i have tickets to the upcoming peranakan ball), so i really have no clue why i had this dream.

but it was so real (as with most other dreams) but it kept me awake long after its over. SIGH. i hope i don't fall asleep in church later.

i think what kept me awake was a mixture of pure relief and heartache.

for some reason, i was having a 'yueniang' moment and i had to watch my beloved chen xi fall in love with someone else and we can't be together because i said so and he moved on to marry someone else.

it was soooo painful and i cried and ached. the pain was so palpable it was like a shot of poison through my veins, rendering every nerve to violently convulse as it absorbs the pain of loss.

then i woke up to see my beloved lying still so sweetly beside me and i took a few moments just to watch him. hair all poofy and sleep digging his nose. i hope i can live to see this everyday. and i'll be really contented. i think the greatest pain is to lose the one you love the most.

and everytime i ponder about it, i cannot imagine how my Lord can ever recover from having to be eternally estranged and separated by the ones he loved so much he gave his life. and that makes me weep and endeavour to somewhat lessen that pain by praying/ushering my souls His way while I am on earth.

Joel 3.14
Multitudes, multitudes
in the valley of decision
for the day of the Lord is near
in the valley of decision.

back from AWOL

-blows dust off neglected blog-
been meaning to document my thoughts but i kept forgetting.

keynot eevents in the past months include:
-semi breakthrough in the still one-girl show business.
-backaches due to coolie shifts
-appearing like a nut on national tv.

lately the perennial theme on my mind is 'letting go'. in retrospect, i have had to let go of a few dreams (which are the most painful), some people, tangible and intangible objects alike that i have held closely to my heart.

the pain can range from 6-100 on the excruciating scale of 10 but when you have to, there are no buts to it. hoarding stuff that you no longer have room for will damage the ecosystem of your brain. the hardest part is releasing it despite knowing the pain it will result in but for the greater good, do so anyway.

which also reminds me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsmane before he made his long hike up to the cross. ''nonetheless not my will but yours be done''. oh gosh, i can almost weep again when i hear that. and that also brings home the comfort knowing that nothing i've had to let go can equal what he did and find joy in that he gained so much more. ie. ME.

**
yesterday, i learnt that a cambodian taxi driver makes less than usd $4 a day after liek 12 hours of work. while buying an ipod for Isaac, and carrying shopping bags, I found out through a conversation that the sales personnel that was serving me at the epicentre orchard had to drop out of school because of financial reasons. at that moment, i recoiled and suddenly felt embarassed that while he was denied an education that i so took for granted for, i was also carrying shopping bags in the middle of the day in orchard while he is struggling to support a family after the demise of what i guess would have been the original breadwinner.

i am almost embarassed by the excesses of life and raged by the hedonism of the society i live in. if i could, i'd have offered him a scholarship but i couldn't. but whatever it was, i was in such a helpless situation being unable to help him. the few hundred dollars in my wallet won't help (much). the credit cards, membership cards to retailers from ntuc-just about every department store lining orchard road won't help either. i have nothing in my bag that can help him. i can't even donate the ipod i just bought. it means nothing to him. i was sad to learn, i was no doraemon and he is going to remain this way until my prayers for him are answered.

i scarcely know what its like to be poor. but my closest encounter which is the leap of faith we took earlier this year which left us with a young business, and just one income made me feel so miserable already. i wanted to cry for various reasons: because of the sacrifices he has had to make given his youth and because i'm such an incorrigible brat.

i took that encounter home with a heavy heart onlyto meet with more devastating news. when will He come back and His kingdom be enforced? there is so much pain and grief i can't alleviate on my own. i can't wait to take up my place in this grand plan of His..run, fight and most importantly, finish well.

breaking the silence

i think the last weekend was such a surprising welcome respite from the dark. Praise God.

on Friday, I managed to drag myself to church to attnd Benny Ho's sermon at church. This is a revolutionary guy who echoes my sentiments and visions in many ways. I left with my heart searing with hope again and glad our paths coverge, albeit briefly.

Saturday saw us (zac and me) trying to do housework. He fixed me a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham etc and we proceeded to clean the house and do laundry. The highlight is really trying to rollerblade which failed miserably because I was so scared which resulted in a walk in the park connector. Somehow, we ended up from our place in Alexandra to River Valley!
With the endorphins cruising through my veins, I felt better and breaking a sweat helped tremendously too. Had a hearty appetite and we devoured pasta at ACP later.

Sunday was exciting.

According to P, they 'shamelessly' invited themselves over to my place for games and food. I was honestly had reservations about this since i was hardly in top form to entertain but i felt like i should go ahead. P might have sensed soem reluctance after because he msged and said 'are u sure its ok? you sound reluctant''. to which i replied, '' that is my dull sms persona. i am laying out the red carpet in anticipation,jubilation and excitement!" afterall, it was also j's last day in singapore and it would be nice to meet everyone again. we had so much fun. i never laughed so hard in such a long time and felt so at ease in a group context. with that, i concluded the best weekend ever.

we also learnt things we never knew, like w downloading the theme song of 'the unbeatables' etc. atmosphere was warm and lively. it was like being 17 again. isaac had a really good time too and he thought my friends were 'cool'. yea!

vday 2009

on a more positive note, i think i had the bestest ever vday. its so good i think i need to engrave it on my fingers or something. or note it down, here.

well, it being the best may have something to do with the fact that we barely have celebrations in the past FIVE years. but if that was the crime, he more than made it up this year.

surprises (that i actually didn't uncover prior to the actual day despite being in the same house), my 1st candle light dinner, all prepared by him. steak, wine, mushroom ragout. nat king cole, aromatherapy.

no flowers this year and i'm so happy that hes finally getting it. my heart will stop beating at the amount of money donated to florists for flowers i'm allergic to so that i can donate more money later to the doctor.

almost 6 years old this duckobell. but better today than it first began.

thank you Jesus.