condensed

theres so much i wanto record and blog about but i keep procrastinating so heres everything at one go.

1 - conversation in the train

guy: pls hold on to something. u're gg to fall
girl: i can't.besides, i'm quite stable.don't worry
guy: no u're gg to fall.and why can't you?
girl: theres no pole nearby.
guy: den hold the bar above you!
girl: i can't. my shoulder hurts. i can't lift up my right hand
guy: how about the other hand? you have two hands!
girl: how was i supposed to know i have 2 hands?!?!

2 - i need a haircut. eugene thinks i need redemption instead and it can be BOUGHT at a hefty price of 89 bux at toni and guys =


3 - yet another noteworthy miracle courtesy of Jesus christ. need to trust him more.need to know him more to trust him more and to stop listening to lies. need dynamic relationship like before. caught a very huge glimpse of His unwavering enduring love. that somehow, no matter what, he still wants me back. even when i think momentarily that i don't want ANYBODYYY and i just wanto scream and hide under my bed and cry.

4 - been hearing so much from people from so long ago. thanks to friendster. thats one thing i'm really thankful for. talking to gd pal from sec 1 now. i can't believe its almost 10 years ago. and neither can i believe we're teh pple we are now when we were the people we were then.

5- miss isaac so much already and i'm not even in australia yet.

6- ok the girl in the conversation above is me.

The Angel brought me here

its been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
picking up the pieces and walking back into the light
into the sunset of your glory where my heart and future lies
theres nothing like the feeling when i look into your eyes.

my dreams came true, when i found you
my miracle

If you could see, what i see,
that you're the answer to my prayers
if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear
that angels brought me here...

actually i think its just one Angel.

love

the overwhelming welcome that i feel when i'm a slobbering mess at God's throne is indescribable

theres more theres more

this is the season of change for me and i'm never a fan of change. i like stability not uncertainty and i'm ashamed to admit that i just can't seem to trust God enough to rest. i like familiarity too much.way too much that i can entertain any other possibilities apart from that.

He has told me specifically about a particular change that is coming on in my life and if i am to yield to Him, everything will be all right. its a difficult decision to make. its tremendously difficult to say yes and i've sought Godly counsel, prayed endlessly and there has just been tonnes of confirmations.

so this time i'll take the plunge. and go. i can't reveal my plans yet because i fear not everyone will understand but if its God, the fruits will speak for itself.

i nv thought i'llb e in this place. sure i know its a season of change as in i'll be entering the workforce but a change on this scale? never in my wildest dreams. but apparently so.

i wish i could say more, that i can bare my heart and leave msgs here for everyone that i love so much in my life...and am so eternally grateful for. but that'll have to wait.

its a difficult period for me, inspite of the numerous blessings of late. huge financial breakthroughs, breakthroughs all over the place actually.at home and around me. my eyes are not on these blessings. i know something very good is awaiting me...and i'll march towards it.

isaiah 60:1 (amplified version)
Arise (from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you-rise to a enw life!)shine ( be radiant with the glory of the Lord) for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!

isaiah 62:3
You shall also be (so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as) a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem (exceedingly beautiful) in the hand of your God.

keeping the dream alive

tonight the rain is falling
full of memories
of people and places
and while the past is calling,
full of fantasies, i remember their faces

the hopes we had, were much too high
were out of reach, but we had to try
the game will never be over
because we're keeping the dream alive

i hear myself recalling
things you said to me, the night it all started
and still the rain is falling
makes me feel the way, i felt when we parted

the hopes we had, were much too high
way out of reach but we had to try
no need to hide, no need to run
coz all the answers come one by one
the game will never be over
because we're keeping the dream alive

i need you-i love you

MY IT WOES and adventures

i concede defeat. but thank God HE always leads me to triumph.hehe.

friendster found out that i'm an IT idiot and decided to take advantage of that. first i couldn't really add friends.den when i did, they dun appear even after two days.den on the 3rd day..they appeared!but briefly. one moment i had 9, the nxt 2.

so well, God did something ibelieve and they realised they could bully no princess of the most high. so they returned me my kidnapped friends without asking for a ransom.

phew.praise Jesus.

then i had real trouble resizing a picture for my resume. spent like 2 hrs selecting one, resizing it only to have it rejected by the system time and again because of some incompatibility. friend kindly suggested scanning a passport size foto but unfortunately my scanner is not connected to the comp and i cant find the wire to connect it..much less INSTALL it.

another suggestion came that i shd just use a digi cam and take a pic right there and then and use that one. den i retorted with the fact that my camera is a 4 megapix cam so even the smallest pic is huge. but i found out for the first time that the number of megapixels can be adjusted. well, but i din find out HOW. and of coz by this time iwas severely distressed already.

den isaac finally finished music practice with the childrens church pple. so he reached home, came to my rescue and in 5 mins (including hiccups because msn din allow me to receive files), it was ALL done.

iT crisis of the day resolved. my isaac, my hero!*hug hug hug*

why oh why

why i signed up for friendster (after two years)
-------------------------------------------------------
because its so fun looking at other people's pictures!
because of the voyeur and kaypoh in me
because its fun to see how people from pri sch/sec sch/ jc have changed (this part is really fun!)

why i am very frustrated now
------------------------------------
because i signed up for friendster
because i momentarily overestimated my IT skills
because signing up is easy but everything else issnt
because friendster sux and i can't add friends so i cant see pics which is my original intention
because no one logs on to friendster anymore

most happy.

yesterday was awesome because my favourite girls paid me a visit!

adelene (whom i affectionately refer to as ahdelian becoZ of the waY she tYpeS) and belle came armed with tiong bahru porridge and fried kway teow at 11 pm! oh!i welcome anyone bearing good food gifts but really the company was superb.

got abit nostalgic coz we used to do things like these when we were young and well..younger. and now that we're at this juncture in our lives whereby we're prob goin to start work soon and all, the opportunities for doing this late night supper thingies will pretty soon be archived as well.

we had a great time nonetheless.as usual.despite not having met up in ages. despite having had so much happpened, i'm always amazed how our conversations still flow easily and how our catchup sessions nv seem long enuff and i always feel sad when i have to say goodbye. thats how precious it is. its still the same as it was many years ago. i've known belle since i was 9. and ade..sinc ei was 11. and i am so thankful to God for them. i may be forgetful and appear to have frequent lapses of amnesia regarding many things of the past but i remember the times we sat up together on new year's eve in 2000 crying over my crush. i remember the cockroach at the void deck. i remember so much and i' m glad i remember. these memories are precious.

i am truly rich because of these gems that God has put in my life.

that aside, the stupid silly things we did to entertain ourselves also really 'spiced' up the night. because me and belle were friendsterless, we logged on to ade's account and guffawed the night away looking at pictures of people from the distant past. THAT alone made me wanted to melt my resolve to not have a friendster acct coz it was just hilarious. no we werent laughing at how they loooked but..its just the memories of how they used to be and how WE used to be that truly tickled us. ok..we did laugh at how one guy looked.but thats all! but i guess there still wun be a frienster acct for me since...no one logs on to friendster anymore and it is truly passe.

so well, if both of you are reading this, i love you!and belle, have fun in err..bei jing.

and in case isaac feels left out but i doubt hez so insecure and reads my blog regularly anyway, loveeeeee you.=)

paging for thy merry heart

ah..the perils of blogging

today i heard a true life account of one. of how a lecturer decided to google his own name and found a horrible post about him by one of his students.

and i really hate msn. i have just officially downloaded it for the 3rd time this week because it kept giving my computer grave errors. i don't even know when i'm giving it chance after chance. should have enough strength to let go by now. should have nv defected from the icq camp. should have....maybe used yahoo instead?i don't know. the 'should have' list is endless with msn alone. what more for my life...

there are many forthcoming testimonies. esp in the family realm.praise God.

but even so, i cant help still feeling kinda down which explains why i'm still up at this graveyard hour..blogging. the simple thing that my heart truly truly yearns for and has waited for that money cant buy has yet to arrive and i'm doubting whether i'll just have to forego it and count my other blessings since they're rather innumerable and...forget it altogether. it is one of those 'it is only possible with God' kinda things because man can't give it to me at all. i yearn and yearn and i wanto stop yearning if ic ould. but havent been too successful thus far...and thus my heart is abit sick.

hope deferred makes the heart sick
but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.
prov 13-9

need my merry heart back. it hassnt been around for quite awhile.

random ramblings of post examism

it still hazznt really sank in that that paper on 5/5/05 at 5 pm was the very very last paper that i will ever sit for and it marks the end of my turbulent more then a decade long chapter as a student.

but knowing so, despite the initial apprehension of finding a job and what not, i think the storm in my mind has quite ceased and come to a full complete halt already. and i'm just quite intent and absorbed with enjoying myself, the company of those i love (with a lot of good food of course) and watch tv quite endlessly.

been wanting my life to 'start' for the longest time. ie...start life as an adult etc.been so concerned with the destinations i forgot to enjoy any process/journey. and things like these do seriously take their toll on you. everyday becomes a chore and i got so concious of everything negative. which really taints everything and distracts me from what is truly truly beautiful important and TRUE.

i believe alot of testimonies from me and my loved ones will soon fill this space in the coming days. will try to not let the blog go to sleep for too long.

technology is a hazard.

i have no more msn.

my computer has been hanging and giving me strange error msgs ever so frequently these days and it just occurred to me like 2 mins ago that it only happens when i try to get on msn.

hence, i had it uninstalled..its gone.until i have the courage to rebuildmy trust and restart another relationship with msn...i guess i'll be talking to no one. i'll missyou!espwhen exams end at 7 pm tonight and i've been so distracted with msn when i was studying before THIS.

find another way to talk to me. telepathy darzen count. yahoo messanger?i'm quite a fan.but no one else uses it. icq...???no one has that anymore...including me.

if i hibernate too much alone with the tv and Jesus at home, i'll just eat up the whole world.

consider your options.

idle idol

so many idol contestants got gospel background this year.

constantine's gone and i actually teared...ok cried. i never knew i liked him until now. i mean, seriously, id much rather say bye bye to vonzell or SCOTTTT whom i seriously think disturbs carrie coz i see how disturbed she looks when he was in the top 3 last week.

seriously, if bo or carrie leaves, i'd be mourning for quite awhile. coping well with the loss of constantine for now. quite like anthony too who has a punctured throat and can still sing so beauteefullly.

idol trivia: constantine was the president of his youth group in church
scott nearly became a priest...
bo was supposed to go gospel..

lalalala.back to studying

book burning ceremony-anytime after 5 may.any1 wants to join me?

its my very very last exam ever...

and i don't know why i still don't have that rush to study. savour the last remaining moments of studying. its hard to digest, to concentrate no matter where i am. actually it is easier when i'm out but...trouble is..im too lazy to get out.

i want it all to be over. but then wat?

i don't know. havent heard from the job-i-want pple...

dunno whether its the whole thing abt turning 22 this year or that i'm graduating and gg to have to work and assume adult responsibilities....but this song is ringing in my head right now

the young ones..darling we're the young ones...
and the young ones
shouldnt be afraid
to live, love, while the flame is strong, coz we wun be the young ones very long

daughter of sarah. so staying young for a really long time called forever.growing younger everyday. song darzen apply to me. go away song go away.

selah

Look to Abraham your father, and to Sarah who bore you, for i called him alone, and blessed him and increased him.

as much as i am excited about the plans He has for me, i still find myself having great difficulty believing that that it is indeed true. that all that is reality. not what i see.

in the midst of my exams right now and while the rest of the world are diligently studying, i for one, havent.but so far i managed to get alot done. by grace alone.and apart from the fact that i'm stressed coz for once i'm not stressed, eveyrthing is really so fine and ok. very thankful. praise Jesus.

went for an interview for a job i really want yesterday.(and the interviewer also seems quite keen on me..at least i think so. had a gd chat...of almost 45 mins.=)) yes, another beauty industry thingy. nv thought i'd want it but when they called me up for an interview..i thought..just go la. and i did.fell in love with everything, the job scope, the boss the everything...except the pay. they're offering me something really meagre that i cant really survive on. i really want the job, apartfrom that and i stated the minimum that i want. hope they call me up.but i'm somehow so secure (for once) that God will definitely open the right door and let everything good fall into place nicely.

sometimes when i encounter mini disappointments such as these, i keep thinking that my dreams are elusive, the fulfilment of them rather. but when i remember that the dreams that He dreams for me are far greater and they encompass every little thing that i dreamt of, my heart swells with joy and i'm deeply comforted.

the dreams that He dream for me are truer than the 'treasures' i pursue. so let my treasures rest in heaven and let all these earthly things just fall by themselves on my lap. i'll take the cup you offer Lord, and drink deeply of all that you have purchased for me, all that you want for me.

at the end of the day, i cant work for my blessings. its an imaginary ladder that pple climb, thinking that it'll lead to heaven on earth. so i'll just let the blessor bless because its been fully paid for. no sweat. besides, who ever said prosperity was defined by the amount of money in ur bank account but how many of your needs/wants are met?

yay. i'm rich already.=) By His poverty(on the cross), i've been made rich.joint heir with Him who owns heaven and earth, the creator of kings live in me.
confident of good news from above.

big fish..in conjunction with the current fillet o fish promotion at macs.

have a real beeg fish at the pond downstairs whos like 1 m long. it is so huge and fat and it used to be my friend.i used to talk to the fish until well...i grew up.which was not too long ago.and it seemed to respond..back then.in ur imagination everythign happens.

hez so huge now hez the real highlight of the estate and today i looked at it and got such a big shock.half its body is now above the water level.we need to flood the pond big time.

i actually do have a picture of it but because i can upload nothing because i don't know hwo to...no one gets to see the monster in my pond.

im so seriously sick of webcasts and so bored and tired i have to blog about the big fish.

stumble and fall arise and soar.

i will never relieve my father in heaven of his duty of supplying for me and try to snatch the holy spirits job by ensuring MYSELF that i get all the blessings Jesus died to give. no.i will rest. and i do not just say this as a resolution but a conviction this time round and feel free to remind me every now and then.

will not provide for myself. let Him let Him.

been mulling over how to get a job, how to write a good resume, CV etc etc at the expense of exam preparation. i'm just amazing you know. the minute i finished my 1001 essays, i immediately start mulling and worrying over the job which is like after my exams. oh gah, kill the worry wart in me.die die die worry wart! it is Jesus!

thank God the faithful servant is on duty. thank you Holy spirit. call you H. S for short. hope you don't mind.

thank God i have a covenant. thank God im ALREADy blessed. thank God. phew phew phew.

its ok.i will just let it fall on my lap again.and enjoy the process of getting there in the meantime.afterall, i've gone for the wrong interviews and gotten the right job, sat in my boss' chair at the interview table instead of the other one opposite and gotten the write job, went without make up to interview for a sales position for a make up brand. the list goes on. i'll nv fail to be xinying and he'll nv fail to be Jesus. so i think i'm in quite safe hands. the track record alone quite proves it.

and as a very wise man of God that i respect so very much said just yesterday, "prosperity is not how much you havein your bank but how many of your needs are met'. and as far i'm concerned, i am prosperous!just waiting to add more zeroes in to the rather humble bank acct so that i can truly be a greater blessing to others and..err myself.=)

will not mull over how soon i have to relieve my earthly dad of the heavy cost of supporting me etc etc etc. coz the OTHER dad is the one fully responsible fr the beeegeeening.

dilemma

oh no this is not good.

there are just people who i dislike i can't figure out why. its not like they have great attributes that i cannot stand but it helps that they do of course which further aggravates it all. in fact some of these people are nice to me thats why i cant resolve this dilemma. i just would rather rather not be with them. i don't know why. and i am sad. is it me?

people whom i enjoy and trust are far and few between. and unlike most normal people, i don't like everyone that comes along my way. yes, love in spite of like. i have occassional squirts and spurts of love for themand i know its all Jesus. that aside, if its xinying alone, sorry, i don't even want your phone number.

some people, no matter what they do, what disagreements i have with them, i just still love them and enjoy them and want that friendship..some, no matter how nice they are to me, still have no favour with me.

argh

growing up

its april already and that alone is almost terrifying. this is the year for me whereby i step out in the unknown world dog eat dog as a lamb, hiding behind the shepherd. and is the only reason i have no reason at all to be terrified. i really do remember jsut celebrating new year's eve like 2 hours ago or something but that is well..not so. time darzen wait for me even though i have lapses of apparent memory loss.

my exams will end by 5 may. yes, the number of grace and i will embark on a new chapter of my life. excited, really. this is the year i turn 22 and i have nv been 22 before. i feel 16..but the excitement is not quite the same as starting day 1 in jc. i'm quite happy to leave the past behind knowing that the future holds greater gifts and blessings. i don't know what 22 is supposed to be like, having never been there, except in my dreams and so don't expect me to act my age. to me, its really just a number to keep track on how long i've been dwelling on this earth, and possibly, howmuch time i have before my return to my true home.

my righteousness goes before me in all my endeavours and covers up all the dirty tracks i leave behind. it also paves the way home for me. my righteousness is a person and His blood avails. so its all going to be well. and for you too, if you're my sister/ brother in Christ. nothing can overtake you, except His blessings purchased on the cross at the unimaginable but true price- His blood. and if u're not, the doors of this family/kingdom are well open to you any time.

alot of promises that i've heard so often but nv really seen came to pass are coming to pass right before my eyes. so inspite of the occasional bad, i know good and His grace much more abounds. deep down, i remain convicted although i sometimes vascillate towards following what i see. i cant believe what i saw then, coz it appeared to be a downward spiral. i cant believe what i see now either, coz its getting to be soo good. but it darzen matter, it is no statement of the truth. circumstances are merely shifting sand. i'll remain on the rock.

behold He comes

reading up so much on american foreign policy and its expanding empire despite its vehement refusals and denial that it is infact one...or whatever the definitions of 'empire' state.

this world is a hard world to keep tabs on. and the onus is on the USA simply because, there is on other suitable candidate..or is it?till the day Jesus returns i guess...no one else has the money and the heart and its sad because America has been so used to intervening despite starting out refusing to be entangled in foreign affairs. from isolationist to well..possible omniscience. she is everywhere. or so it seems. 5 global military commands.

reminds me of the time in the bible when man or rather..Israel insisted on having a king.coz apparently God alone ruling just wazznt enough. and every other nation had a human king.so God said ok and israel had a king. then the king had so many problems and gave so many problems while trying to solve so many problems, many of which, his own. they are afterall just a group of blessed human beings. HUMAN beings. perfection is just not included in the package. there is not enough for perfection. just take a look at saul...enuff said. and here we are...a few milleniums later with history repeating itself. this is not an anti america post. but sometimes, really i feel they have no choice. the mantle is on them...or at least they think so and the whole world does not disagree...no matter what they say. when a prob happens, and america is not there in 2 seconds, the world wonders aloud why why why. not enough funds..etc.its always expected to give more and of coz receive more than its own fair share of blame.

but its nice to know that america will soon be relieved of its burdens, whether perceived, self imposed or well...truly there. coz Jesus will take over completely and His return is imminient. and His rule will be perfect.

the easter post

i'm stuck at 17. bouncing off the walls already because season 2 of OC is back!well..soon.if they ever leave OC half dangling in mid season like what they did in season 1, 8 days will hear from me again. (btw the first letter was actually published) and i really sounded like a 17 year old.bah.

i'm growing younger everyday.

that aside, easter was fantastic although i din even remember it was resurrection morning day until the afternoon.

righteousness as a gift. what more can we seriously ask for?everything eles is included in this package.

den i had a pleasant surprise from the most fantastic boyfriend.

bliss bliss bliss.

thank you Jesus.=)

cutlery

some people are born with silver spoons, gold spoons and diamond encrusted spoons stuck right down their throat.

i was born (again) however, with 2 cups instead. one empty, signifying that He drank all that sin up, and became sin for me. the other, full of His annointing, blessings etc. (the righteousness package)

learning (once again). humbled. wreckage yesterday is evaporating. today's a fresh new slate with fresh mercies and i am so thankful for them. if any person, be it God or man were to hold my transgressions and well..nonsensical behavior against me, i'm dead meat.

thank you so much love, for being such a fine example of Jesus' grace and mercy.

so relieved that im so blessed.i don't know why, maybe its past experiences or plain cynicism but i almost expect love and favor to be forfeited when i seriously seriously blow it. with people especially. i know well enough that God's love is not withdrawn.

therefore, i think the sweetest words that i ever heard and will hear are..."i still love you". be it on the 2000th anniversary or after grave mistakes and nasty exchanges of words, its the most soothing sound ever period. it spells grace, mercy and a love from heaven alone, and no where else. and i'm blessed because i've heard it from the two most important men in my life so many times over.

my life is a life marked and sustained by nothing short of His grace and mercy. i still don't know if i can still expect these things to flow freely from anyone i've done wrong against or whose toes i've stepped on over the course of the last 21 years...but its ok. atleast two men have said it to me and i'm blessed. not many people have had these joyous experience.

this alone makes me wanto run towards goliath, whatever form he may try to take, wants me to keep breathing, even though it may be very stifling. i just wanto keep on keeping on because of this alone.

=)

i feel urghish.

lift me up

it seemed that today was a day fraught with anxiety and heartbreak. loved ones hurt because of their own stubborness, pride and God knows what else. doors seemed to be opened wide for the enemy to up his tricks. well i guess if the enemy rushed in like a flood, den i'm sorry to surprise him that Jesus is already there first and hes in for a rude shock coz He will raise a standard against Him. be warned headless creeep.

i don't feel good honestly.

but Hez a God who doesn't waste a single hurt His children endure and His promises are true and sure. so thats just that.

i'm still not concious enough of Him as i am of the circumstances and what my physical eyes see. its not enough until its really only Him and all of Him i see. pray for me.i need the help.

relationships are so fragile without the sure foundation. no one can stand on shifting sand so i pray people will just give up and give in to the rock. people were sent to bless and we really only have this time on earth to bring heaven closer to earth, strangely, via the people we love or claim to love or are here to love.

i don't have it altogether right in my own relationships and sometimes the going gets tougher than we could possibly imagine. thats where Jesus rushes in i guess and suddenly the prob seems minute, the hurt ebbs, the anger ceases and the love floods my heart.

for now i just wanto love right. the way He would have me to. but to get even there, i have to start receiving more first. and thats the very station most people would like to skip. its a long journey ahead and i need to stock up on my supplies.


I have seen the dark and desperate place
Where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame A
nd I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness
Only tasted by the forgiven and redeemed
-steven curtis chapman...Angel's wish.

once again i qualify

"light only gets in through cracks. imperfection is the prerequisite for grace"-philip yancey

once again i qualify. along with every other area in my life/body/relationships etc etc. you name it, i qualify. i'm a perfectly imperfect being.

HOORAYYY

random thoughts...
so its really fantastic that my relationships, health, studies, family, finances ..ok the list will nv end.. are imperfect....more than enough cracks for the light to burst through. in fact i think God darzen have to look hard to find gaping holes for light to flood away the darkness.

being less hard on myself makes me find it easier to be less hard on other people. bit by bit.although i'm still critical and demanding, these attributes are ebbing away. chunk by chunk. i hope. although i know this process will definitely take awhile since i have stored up plenty of self-righteous reserves in the past 2 decades.

i used to identify more closely with the accusers than the accused. now that the situation is reversing, i can only bow my head, stretch out my hands and receive the free grace that came at a hefty price that only heaven could afford. and if i can still speak, say thankyou.

but its ok. it pleases Him.
and if its enough for Him, its enough for me.

He hears.

today wazznt exactly the best.

frustration was the key note address of the day. and it darzen help that some genuine efforts went unappreciated and all i got in return was a backstab instead. i'm already done with being angry. i'm tired.

i'm not indispensable so this world can do without me. but God can't. i'm dear to His heart and that's where i'll make my home forever.theres 620000000000 (i'm not sure about the number of zeros) but theres only one of me. i know some people are heaving a sigh of relief at this point ...

i don't care.


----------
i've dreamt many dreams that never came true
i've seen them vanish at dawn
but i've realised enough of my dreams, thank God
to make me want to dream on

i've trusted many a friend that failed
and left me to weep alone
but i've found enough of my friends true
to keep me trusting on

i've sown many seeds that fell by the way
for the bird to feed upon
but i've held enough golden sheaves in my hand
to keep me sowing on

i've drained the cup of disappointment and pain
and gone many days without song
but i've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
to make me want to live on

rested.

so much has happened and i've been sooooo highly strung.

behaving like a lamb who can stand on TWO legs and sometimes, on her head or tail when i desperately need to be carried on His shoulders just to make it through a day.

somuch has been demanded of me of late and its not been easy but because i've been taking it out so hard on myself forgetting that its all been DONE and that i have a wonderful help available all the time, its been more than hard. its been back breaking and just painful.

benny hinn on saturday was like never before. i was nursing a strange cold and had many deadlines to meet but i managed to go down at 1 for a 4pm service only to have the queue out in the sun and more than half of the stadium filled already. witnessed alot of miracles but and the presence of the Lord really saturated that place. but i'm getting increasingly less surprised although it nv fails to hearten me how Good He really is. i saw deaf ears open and an old man wheeled literally come back tolife when hours before, he was in ICU among many other things.

benny hinn thinks its the one service in southeast asia whereby hez experienced the most of God, i think otherwise. i'm so blessed to be in this church whereby we receive by grace through faith and we don't necessarily have to wait for such a mighty move of the spirit whereby one man's gifts of the spirit are operated. theres a surer way but glory be to God for this anyhows. it was awesome and i really trembled and was super in awe. i can't believe...that at the end of the day, i can still call Him abba. and HE IS THE ONE responsible for all all that.=) so proud.so relieved.

i also just booked my plane tix and made my hotel reservations. some stuff cropped up immediately after that that we nearly had to scrap plans as we cant get tix on other flights but oh well God is good an dibelieve that everything is ok and we're going as planned and going to have an awesome and swell time. this is not the first time i'm heading for melb and sydney and this is definitely not the first time to the land of aust but i'm excited coz its with my beloved cousin this time. its family. shez the sister i never had and really He made this so possiblewith His generous provision.my cousin might be migrating and this might be the first and last chance so ...praise God.

prob have to head back to my work for now but i'm more than happy now. theres so much peace in my heart and rest for the first time in wat seems like a long time coz i've been subjecting myself to so much torture by trying to perform. i nv seem to learn but His patience nv seems to waver and His grace nv seems to end. so there ..its still good.

hallehlujah.

"what's so amazing about grace?"

from philip yancey's award winning book...and rightly so.

"during the Brezhnev era at the height of the Cold war, Billy Graham visited Russia and met with government and church leaders. Conservatives back home reproached him for treating the Russians with such courtesy and respect. he should have taken a more prophetic role, they said, by condemning the abuses of human rights and religious liberty. One of his critics accused him of setting the church back 50 years. Graham listened, lowered his head, and replied, "i am deeply ashamed. i have been trying very hard to set the church back 2000 years."

ling1 and ling2

yesterday nights bible study totally rocked. ive been feeling so lethargic and entertained thoughts of skipping it coz i was nursing a strange occurrence of fever and diarrhoea.

ThANK GOD I WENT. seriously. the night before, i had so many questions in my head pertaining to this and that and the Lord addressed them in His own unique way that only i understand later on in this service. in addition, there was a huge healing annointing released before the service and countless miracles that took places later on. praise Jesus. so awesome.

had the strangest of two dreams last night (again) and i believe it was the Lord with the second dream and i woke up at 8.18 am. for 2 mins.heh.think the Lord really wants me to bring my cousin joy to melb with me. somehow..i really would love it if she could come along but now we just need alot of favour and grace from my aunty to say yes and for my anxious relatives to stop worrying that we both blur Ling girls will get lost in this big big world. sheesh. shez been to cambodia and stayed in the worst of the worse while i have well...complained endlessly abt every hotel but yet managed to survive hostels that have COMMUNAL toilets.and my cousin has had NO TOILETs ...in cambodia. so that aside, whats there seriously to worry. don't get it.

ANYWAY, so i woke up again at 12 plus and i decided to give her a ring....to ask her.
conversation went something like that...
me:"hello..joy is it convenient to talk now?"
cousin: huh?who are u who are u?
me: YOUR COUSIN
cousin:oh!heheheheh
me:SO IS IT CONVENIENT TO TALK NOW?
cousin: i can't take communion now!!im in the cab!
me: I SAID CONVEEEENIIIEEENT
cousin: oh hehehehe.yes why?

-exasperated-
i love my cousin. i have cute relatives. i just wished the Lings din have such a hearing prob and kept twisting words around. isaac knows. he frequently has this prob with me.

raider of the lost ark

im supposed to be sleeping but i had a sudden impulse to PACK so i did and i uncovered many many diaries and many many forgotten memories. seriously so forgotten i don't even remember living that part of my life. its amazing how my life really was. my mgs form teacher said that i should learn to be more assertive. today, isaac quek begs to differ coz that has translated into pure stubborness. think mule.

many are amazed (me included) that i can actually forget so much of a huge chunk of my life. i don't know if its the combined shock of all things or God that caused this memory loss but i really only vaguely recollect. and i wrote somewhere in many journal entries that i'll never never forget this this this and that that that.and now look where i am. i can't believe my history was so rich, i was THAT girl. its not that hard to believe becus i retain a large number of the characteristics that i read in those journals. i found myself laughing and crying and just wondering.."did this really happen" as i went through the journals. i felt intrusive.i felt like i was looking through ANOTHer person's private entries and it was plain rude. i don't know if its a good thing...honestly. while its good that the pain has very much been eradicated to ground zero, i don't know where that leaves me as someone with almost NO memories?its weird...but i cannot try to recollect them.i can't for crying out loud no matte rhow hard i try. i just...can't recall. maybe i sorta mourn for these lost parts of my life but i'll trust God that He knows whats happening and knows what HEz doing and knows What to do.

amnesia is a gift sometimes i believe. and i've been blessed that the sting can't even stay. but so does the joy...but new joy comes.so it works out well.

i din even remember me and one of my good girl pals kept a secret book at 17 (gasp) exchanging secret notes to one another. apparently shez from the OTHER faculty and this way, its easier to keep in touch.and its more romantic coz sms is just too expensive.and u hafta delete it.i read a few entries...and i honestly din remember having this system. well, shez somewhere in aust now...and i don't even have her number anymore. i lost themalong with my phone the last time and i ...havent been too faithful with emails.

another interesting finding was that in my freshman year, at the end of some orientation programme (now this is really recent..coz its only 2 years ago) i had this paperplate that served sorta like an autograph book whereby all my OG mates wrote farewell notes to me shd we nv see each othe ragain. i don't know who wrote this because i can't decipher the signature but it went like this.."becareful..don't walk into handdryers and break any more things in the toilet" .God..did i break a handdryer or dislodge it fromt he wall by just WALKING into it?i don't know.the gonggarsion must have been severe its completely erased from my memory.

so now that i have found a museum documenting those lost seasons of my life, i really cant wait to go thru artefact by artefact. memories do die. we do forget pple.or rather...i do. sadly. i hope my friends, from the stone age, ice age ,crazy xiao char bor mgs days and semiconcious pjc days somewhere remember me...and drop an email and call. i really wanto find you guys back.even if you all are fat and ugly and saggy.just hope that i won't be too clueless when these pple reminisce and i go.."did that happen?"

oh well. as the evidence suggests, i really led a very exciting life. God is very good. quite worthy of making a ...comedy/soap opera/ch 8 drama. wish isaac could share this with me but for a history major, hez not too interested on this kinda history.

song composition

i have another new song pple!

isaac had a little lamb little lamb little lamb
isaac had a little lamb her name was ling xin ying!

and everywhere that isaac went isaac went isaac went!
and everywhere that isaac went the lamb was sure to go (not quite lah)

she followed him to school one day school one day
she followed him to school one day
it was against the rules
she made the children fast and pray fast and pray fast and pray
she made the children fast and pray
while she ate up all their food

dreams that i dream for you

i just woke up from a 12 hour 'coma'. been very unwell recently and sleep was seriously robbed. developed a fever of sorts yesterday for no apparent reason...and i just slept and slept and now here i am. had the longest dream last night. it just din seem to end and it was so real. i woke up recollecting the minor details. it seemed like everything i ever wanted manifested...in a dream.

the reality is dull in comparison but the future holds much more. i've come a long way and i know the lord is reconstructing new dreams that will come to past even as i speak/write. sometimes, i'm tempted to mourn the loss of these dreams and get trapped in nostalgia/the past etc...but honestly, the present is already so much better. i'd never go back and make the same mistakes i did, hurt the people that i did, and most of all, hurt myself. Jesus was there throughout going through all the humps and bumps with me but well, if today He can say that all those things don't matter and truly they'll work out for MY good...den so be it.i won't contest His word.

so for all those who identify with this apparent loss of the grand and mighty dreams that you once had but lost...heres a song i greatly adore for you guys. i believe HE wrote this song.

you taste the tears
you're lost in sorrow
you see your yesterdays
i see tomorrow

you see the darkness
i see a spark
you know your failures
i know your heart

the dreams i dream for you
are deeper than the ones you're clinging to
more precious than the finest things you knew
and truer than the treasures you pursue
let the old dreams die
like stars that fade from view
then take the cup i offer
and drink deeply of
the dreams i dream for you

you see your shame
but i see the glory
you're read one page
i know the story

i hold a vision
that you'll become
as you grow into the truth
as you learn to walk in love

let the old dreams die
like stars that fade from view
then take the cup i offer
and drink deeply of
the dreams i dream for you

avalon-dreams i dream for you. from a maze of grace.

duck o bell

i miss my great big laughter package!!

have you ever really loved a woman?

many guys i know really should have sought counselling from bryan adams. ;)

i think he quite nailed all the main points. smart guy

to really love a woman
to understand her- you gotta know her deep inside
hear every thought- see every dream
n give her wings- when she wants to fly
then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
you know you really love a woman

when you love a woman you tell her she's really wanted
when you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
coz she needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever
so tell me have you ever really- really really ever loved a woman?

to really love a woman
let her hold you- til you know how she needs to be touched
you've gotta breathe her really taste her
til you can feel her in your blood
and when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
you know you really love a woman

you got to give her some faith- hold her tight
a little tenderness- gotta treat her right
she will be there for you, taking good care of you
you gotta really love your woman

bryan adams

my warped sense of humor

received a long distance call from a stranger in hong kong today with a thick british accent to ask me if i suscribe to cable tv.

its obviously a survey of some sort but i was so tempted to put on my fake PRC chinese accent and scare him into believing that he called a beijing number by mistake

i probably wun pull it off very well but it'll add humor to my life. somewhat.

laughter is good for health .

acceptance

its a brand new day again

yesterday i gained yetanother glimpse into the heart of Jesus. the heart beating with love for me. i don't think i can ever aptly describe it in words but i'm amazed at His gift of forgiveness anew and i marvel at His grace all over again.

love is so irrational. i must have had a 1000 or more 'second chances' and He knew that with each 2nd chance, He is taking a calculated risk but He gives me the freedom, the acceptance come what may. because He loves me too much. love always empowers and gives you room to fail, because acceptance is in overabundance.

its truly beautiful to be accepted even when you are so not supposed to be, by man's standards anyway. its so marvellous that a perfect God made the perfect sacrifice so you never have to experience rejection from Him. acceptance gives you the freedom and chance to be yourself and realise who you are, that inspite of who you are and what you do, the love remains because you are you and there is just no duplicate in the world, not for now, not for ever. you are truly special because of everything that you are and that alone is all the reason that is required for love to be extended.

its beautiful, its marvellous. it really is.

no one would love me if they knew all the things i hide
my words fall to the floor
as tears drip through the telephone line

and to the hands i've seen raised to the sky
not waving but drowning all this time
i'll try to build an ark that they need
to float to you upon the crystal sea

-love alone-

whee (;

sometimes when i'm down and very out because the defeated one put on a stunning performance of bluff that he has won , many tell me to keep on keeping on...walk on soldier on..see the cross and head in that direction.

i lament however that there is absolutely zero strength left in me to even breathe...

until a voice inside tells me to just soar on.

thank you. i'll hold on tight to Your wings and do just that. by ur strength and grace.

help is available.

weighty issues

my brother was crying in the living room last night and begging my mom to buy him a digital...WEIGHING machine.

hez upset because he seems to not be able to stop putting on weight despite various measures which basically just include skipping recess only to eat 3 packets of fries later in the day. and maybe a sit up or two a day...which are done when he gets out of bed every morning and if he wakes up from a nap later in the day, it'll be 2.

so why get a digital weighing machine?so that you can now be sure that you did put on 500 g after that lousy snack?i'm not sure why my family thinks the way they do sometimes. i'm logical and rational and i think so maybe thats why i'm such a misfit. but anyway, i suggested that he use the money to put a bike or something so that he can actually exercise. but he seems to think that that money shd be spent on more xbox catridges instead. i don't get it. wazznt he supposed to be upset just five minutes ago about weight?

if sorrow flees fast, it is not a bad thing.

fats should flee even faster. poor boy. sigh.hez so cute this way.so pinchable.

the 4 day week

thought i'd just stop reading other pple's blogs ( yes again) and update my own abeet.

lazy, yes i know.

its mid term break and its not much of a break because im in school so often doing stupid surveys for 4th year marketing students. and therez the someday(yes, someday, amen) will end workload.been very busy

went for a career fair last week and basically, it was an utter waste of time because it was more like a recruit engineers ONLy fair. infact i had one lady shove an application form at me. when i gently refused her by saying that i was certain i really couldn't qualify, she shot me a very sympathetic look and allowed me to keep the post it pad that came along with the application. yoohoo.urgh.

although i'm quite upset that i can't do anything that i really wanto but have to do everything that i really really have to this time(actually its the same all the time).bah.but it'll be good somehow.

i really miss him right now.really do. had the weirdest dream that made me miss him even more. at the end of the day, i know that hez the only one i can truly see beauty in, and whose major faults i can live with. whom i wanto spend the rest of my life with. no matter how much we bicker and fight....=)hez the only one i wanto love all the way.

"when somebody loves you, its no good
unless he loves you all the way.
through the good years, and the lean years and for all the in between years
come what may"

crosscentric

no matter what i need or want,

every single little thing that concerns my well-being has been provided for at the cross.

don't come to me with natural circumstances and limitations to attempt to confound me or shock me.

but thank God, i'm getting increasingly less shocked at the tactics available.

i have been provided for.

the blood has been shed. the body has been broken.

change.fear.love

i am not a big fan of change

my life is changing in a way that i don't necessarily perceive as good and it drives me quite insane. infact, it has resulted in many sleepless nights ever since the first signs of this CHANGE broke out on saturday. it is not necessarily anything close to bad either( except in my own opinion) but because i know its escalating to an eventual overhaul and picking up speed, i feel helpless, and..afraid.

i reach out and try to grasp for support but its only air.i shout out to Him and He catches me right where i am. theres no where i feel safe in now except in His arms, on His shoulders.i feel like hiding so that change will not find me. because i simply cannot muster up enough in me to really see all the good that might be bursting out behind the scenes. i was quite contented before this point. as mentioned earlier, the past 2 mths of 2005 have been absolutely wonderful for me and i revel in this peaceful security so much i am unwilling that my humble little sampan be shaken. its ok, i can do without an aircraft carrier, really, nor a cruise liner, sampan is good.enough.for. me

feel abit lost and i'd rather not think about it. i refuse to let my thoughts wander and let myself wonder when i know it'll only serve to drive me into despair coz my eyes are fixated on the natural.

please keep the cross continually before my eyes so i see nothing else.

i know its Him, deep down. but i amstill held hostage by previous experiences.

isaiah 66.9..."shall i bring to the time of birth, and not cause delivery?says the Lord"

well, trouble is (not), when God asks a question, the answer is sometimes so duh and simple you feel even stupider for wondering in the first place. as much as fear is a strange thing, the opposite which is love, is a stranger and more powerful thing. and i'll sit around andrest and await my liberation from that little fear that tries (its darnest) to incapicitate me.

fountain of delights

my fountain of delights
will never run dry
it sprung forth on the day
He gave His last cry
"it is finished"
thats all i have to remember
no touch ups for the perfect redeemer

so now my fountain of delights
springs forth within me
it never ceases and wanes
cos it was in exchange of His blood and pain

it was my pain and my sorrow
my grief and my hopelessness
that He bore on the cross
yet it is His joy, His righteousness
His blessings, His health
that i revel in daily

mystery

when all my love was vinegar to a thirsty king
my God, my God, why hast thou accepted me?

walk with me...and help me to walk with you

walk with me quiet, walk with me slow
with watered down coffee and words of gold
i can feel the edges of these things
when i hear you speak to me, so walk with me

walk with me empty, walk with me strong
the hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
it is like a balm, it is like a jewel
it unravels all i thought i knew

will you lead me, beside the still waters
where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
you restore my soul

tell me the story, where old is made new
the promise of ages, and all things that are true
when the shadows fall and the wrecking ball
swings and tears me through the heart

cny trivia

day 3 of cny.

eating tom yum myojo because my mum burnt the rice.

heard her blaming that particular brand of rice after that when my grandma 'marvelled' at how anyone can burn rice. even i havent had such an honor bestowed on me.

i accidentally caused a huge chunk of abalone to be thrown away. ouch ouch ouch.

=(

in moments like theseeeeeeeeeeee, and those of day 1 and 2 coz i was quite deafened by endless chatter and screaming, its really the still small voice thats whispering 'be of good cheer' that can bring comfort to your impoverished soul and soothe your overnourished stomachs...

wruffe wruffe

yesterday i was alive and awake for more than 15 hours! and be very impressed!because i was also exercising (sorta)!!!

yah i was on duty for nursery.

and yesterday His grace really came through not just with regards to physical strength but i really really enjoyed myself yesterday. superb.

so im currently suffering from a mild case of nursery withdrawal symptoms whereby i can't stop thinking about the cute babies and the cute things they do..such as...

this baby who can't seem to use both hands at the same time had to put the pencil down to pick up his biscuit to eat it. so one bite later, he'll put the biscuit down and pick the pencil up. so one kind teacher put the pencil in the right hand and biscuit inthe left so that he can effectively multi-task. or so she hoped.

result:he got so confused he nearly ate the pencil and used the biscuit to 'draw'.

ahhhhhh.gooo goo gah gah.

broken record entry

i need to be delivered from this horrible horrible addiction.-reading blogs that affect me ...negatively-

let sleeping dogs lie. i dunno why i go to these websites and unearth things i don't wanto know. at all. but i still do. about people from the forgotten ages about things that are just plain disturbing. ah well.

the workload is seriously mounting and this is the time when His grace abounds much more!been so tired of late but am seriously just contented and loving life and enjoying Him. i think it truly is a miracle to feel so constantly encouraged. i know Hez always there at the low and high points just feeding my soul . even keeping my heart from trouble requires His grace. i need THAT much help.

im going to sound like a broken record but i have to mention this. recently had a ministerial forum in nus whereby students of the 3 local unis are invited to attend a forum with MM lee. what happened was this joker, a history honors student decided to call LKY a despot in his face. well..i wazznt there(argh!) but the aftermath of it izznt too good, for him AND mm lee. did this joker not know what happened to a particular opposition leader in the aftermath of THAT slander lawsuit?and to top it all off, this guy wants a job in the civil service. i don't know which area, but i do know that no matter what, he is majorly blacklisted now. someone aptly pointed out..."he'd better have another citizenship arranged elsewhere".

another broken-record instance. my heart is really overflowing with His goodness in my life. yes, its alot of awe and trembling. literally. and with that i really end up loving dear zac more and hopefully better. in the past, i've often been chided for being overprotective-ala like a mother hen. dun laugh..im serious and i can't help it. especially when past experiences reinforce the need too coz there were just too many evil wolves predating on him. in my own honest opinion! but now with this newly discovered security, i can honestly trust our loving father in heaven to take care of not just the nitty gritty but all things, even when it concerns things of predatory nature and insensitive jibes from people. including the ones we love. zac's very unsuspecting in nature and generally, not very alert. if therez a nice way to put it. din realise that he didn't need to be because His father can protect him and knows what to do, even when the opposition includes His own. He knows.

i can rest. i love him so much but it is truly safe. besides, who am i seriously kidding?that i had anything in me(Except a rather vicious tongue) to protect or defend anyoneeee?even a cockroach is more threatening. hmm...ideas ideas. really thankful that the quality of our relationship is seriously superceding what i've originally thought was extremely fantastic and intoxicating already. thank you Jesus. thank you very much. and i havent even begun on the OTHER areas of my life that are also enjoying His superabundance.

booohoo

i give up u noe.i seriously do.

i tried to add a flicker url and now my blog is weird looking again. i don't care.its unique and special. odd but lovely.

BAHHHHHHhh

the archives are all the way at the bottom.

yes and amen sunday!yes and amen life!

im confused myself

today i cried and laughed. and to make things worse, when i cried, sometimes it because i'm simply touched. den for awhile it was tears of joy, den after that it was mixed with a tinge of sadness and pain.

today someone close to zac's heart and mine whose life we really thought had really just begun broke some painful news to us. his own mortality is left hanging on the line by the enemy who is trying to convince him that its really the end. we were quite angry and prayed. i cant believe he wanted to go thru this alone and just not tell anyone. praise God he did coz now hez gg to go all the way till age 120 if Jesus tarries.

missed a dear sister and friend very much. someone whom i just forged a friendship with less than a year ago but has touched my heart so dearly i granted her permanent residency in my heart. shez 12 hours away i nsome other remote part of this big world and the distance i don't know why seemed to really affect me today. missed her somuch i cried and cried. thank God for email. i don't even have a photo. just the indelible images etched in my heart.

more painful news of friends along the way. alot of those whom i really love are hurting and i can't wait for them to be healed.

other than all that, its been solidly wonderful. this part i absolutely cannot describe. all God. all Jesus. all divine. all wonderful

some of the things i heard last night.

"controversy to testimony"

"wah..newest creation"

"brand new season in your life"

"if you let go and not build your own fortress, you'll see Him rise up and be your complete defense"

"its the zi cha(food) la" when i complained that i felt my stomach churn.

among many other things. like songs of praise, the guitar and melodic prayers in tongues.

so much goodness.so much love. once again, thank you Jesus.

"let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them" psalm 5:11

only hope

after feeling like i've been dangled from a cliff, i'm extremely grateful for the peace and calmness although i still shudder to think about the harrowing almost-ruined-it experience.

nothing much changes. i mess up. He cleans up. patches up.

so graced. phew

but what enthralls me the mostest is how i felt His presence so strongly at the onset of every 'catastrophe' whether xinying-made or otherwise. how He rushes in to just let me know when my soul cannot detect anything at all in the spiritual realm and my mind is oblivious to the truths that don't fade nor die. the physical presence of the Lord..it does wonders. He rushes in to be there for me when i don't even have it in me to utter a prayer.

had a good time overall with jon coming down to humble nus to visit us. was more than happy even though fatigue was fast sapping up my strength. and of coz, although i've been absolutely intentionally negligent with the ongoings of many lives that used to be integral to my own, i found out alot in such a short catch up session..

whatever the case, it always leads me to put my own life back under the microscope. but sometimes i put it under the wrong microscope and end up magnifying the tiniest lack. its horrible but i'm promptly reminded that i'm blessed beyond the curse and thats all i need to know. zac's ex classmate who had a wonderful promising future (apparently) who seemed to had it all had his life abruptly terminated by what seems to be asthma although he was fit as a fiddle. and couldnt possibly have had asthma. well, not trying to ride on his terrible misfortune to make myself feel blessed. i don't need that. but it breaks my heart and it really drives the truth that i'm truly truly blessed and i truly truly can afford to let go of everything and not worry abt anything simply because of the cross and how it avails even 2005 years later. its effects will last thru all eternity.

and today at 1 am the revelation of eternity struck me. that it really never ends and really does go on forrrrrrrrever. ok go ahead and rolll your eyes. Jesus has more grace for my overwhelming limitations in all aspects. hmph!

and esp for the past few days, everything that i so desired in the past few days and hence have stashed to the back of my mind keeps popping up in my spirit, and in sermons on cds, people etc etc. He is trying to drive home the message that its goin to happen better that what i could possibly dream of. that my dreams need not be aborted. that its not just a fantasy.

Jesus darzen just grant dreams , He grants fantasies. even when they're way out of my world. like how i can't even sniff them because i'm simply not in the right league.

oh God, why me? but i really appreciate His choice of blessing targets. i don't think i can ever answer this why me question but i'll just accept it nonetheless. so thankful so thankful. so much has arrived in this past few weeks from heaven and so much more is in store. its the best year i lived ever and its only jan.

i wish i could say more. but for now, "thank you" is all i can muster.


There for me the Savior stands
Shows His wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah, I’m undone

one of the emptiest days

i went around town with Jesus to look for a nice pair of slip-ons but i ended up with a pair of shoes instead. like them alot and got them for a very good price. thank you lord. and i met stella ng on the way. just a side mention. but i still need nice slip ons. that i can afford. yes.

den got a lift back from my dad who came to pick my mum up. and she started asking me if i have started sending out my resumes. to her horror, i told her i am not even sure if i know what a resume looks like. the rest of you can join her in the horror club. its ok. i'm used to people staring back at me in horror forwhatever reason. it darzen affect me all that much anymore. the same way i am horrified why God loves me. or sees beauty in you.haha.yah. nevertheless, praise Jesus.

so my kancheong mother proceeded to tell me that i should probably contact her cousin who works in some recruitment company who specializes in head hunting the best for specific jobs. she said i really need to pull strings. for the life of me, i can't even holdon to any thread much less have to strength to PULL any string. so once again, she was horrified. its ok. she said i need to rely on pple i know to get introductions for positions, Fortunately, the only one i know who can provide the job that i can handle and will pay me decently is Jesus. and when i said that, a deathly silence reigned in the car.

its really ok. i have sub zero faith in myself too. so i dun blame her. sometimes i have sub zero faith in what God can do for me too. but its ok. i am still never disappointed despite worrying quite endlessly. actually more than pleasantly surprised should be a more appropriate description.

so i went on my way, continuing to pretend to be a zombie to avoid having to answer anymore job related questions. den i heard my mum screech. and realised that she drowned my discman in her bag. i was surprisingly calm. not because i know that discmans are dirt cheap these days even since ipod and the creative zen thingy arrived on our shores. well, even so, i cannot afford them no matter how cheap they are. and forget ipod, or the zen thingy, cheap or not, i wun be able to use it. technophobic. i would gladly carry a mini-compo out if i could. if my mum is too giam to get me one, then Jesus will pay me back and restore it to me. yes...i want discman not some savvy pod or zen thing. afterall, its her daughter that drowned my discman. so naturally, i complain to her father lah.

so finally im in my room, savouring the silence and peace.

den i checked my email. and darling nus sent a mail to ask me to filefor graduation.

fantastic.
==============================================================
Hez been addressing one of my age-old concerns of late. at least once everyday in many ways. sometimes spectacular, sometimes just plain humorous but always Jesus-style.

its really sweet.

the round table affair

i hate to confess this but i will...

its a struggle for me not to indulge in self-pity..when things are not going my way.

so to counter that...i will nail my brother to the cross to remind myself that through Jesus' sufferings, i've been made righteous and thus is very blessed!

i'm kidding. i love him fat as he is.
i'm the queen of wishful thinking.

had a horrible horrible family dinner with the side of the family that i honestly honestly do not like to spend a minute with today to celebrate my grandpa's birthday. and i am so positively sure no one even knew how old he really is and we dun even care. my mum paid for the entire feast and no one even said thank you. its ok. nothing new. and i was fired with the same routine questions.."where are u studying?what are u studying?oh goin to graduate already har...so what do u plan to do?"

and to that..my answers are..."nus.history.yes.dunno"

i din even bother to make conversation or give awkward smiles. i turn into a stone. a robot. i dun even bother to gingerly sip chrysanthemun tea this time and pretend to sms. i just folded my arms and looked straight back trying to restrain myself from screaming and pointing out the fact that its so horrendously incredulous that they have been asking at least the first two questions ever since i was in kindergarten. no make that nursery.

my brother( poor thing) on the other hand din even get that. my uncle who has like sub zero discretion exclaimed upon seeing him.."WAH...are u in taf club yet?put on so much weight ar?"
grr. my poor bro was quite hurt i could see. and awkward. and he din have the guts to shoot them daggers or soemthing along those lines...or hope out loud that they swallow a fish bone.

my brother is FAT AND CUTE. and saved. so Jesus just happens to be living inside a slightly roomier temple. thats all! can shrink anytime we want. grr

albeit being a brat irritant and all...therez a good side of him that manifests every nwo an then! i dun even wanto rat on my cousins whom i havent had a single verbal exchange with for the past 21 years of my life.

do not love them. do not do not!dread chinese new year.

perhaps a farewell is due

not happy. not everything is going my way. no surprise but its hard to sit still and let go and let God.

but i am determined to do just that. even if im tempted to go ballistic, panic, scream (but prob is i dun even know who to scream at)etc etc.

the allergy that i am having now does not belong to this body no more. temple of God. shoo shoo. dun allow you in my territory. SHOO.GRRR.

am seriously thinking of shutting the blog down because i simply don't have what it takes to keep it going. esp now that sch has started and the journey is more or less the same. with the more or less same tests and more orless same miracles and same victories. not slighting these things but there are too many things that words arent apt enough for. there are too many revelations, heartfelt waves of gratitude that words simply don't suffice. i don't emote well. esp not on a keyboard. so if this darzen serve the very purpose, den why .....

i wonder. i want this blog to serve its purpose well. a place whereby ican document my journey and look back in awe at the wonderful hand of God on this simpleton. but its been increasingly hard for me to say anything. because of the words that i might wanto take back but can't. and just because the fact that its hard to hold my tongue does NOT mean that i have to type it with my fingers. because it involves other people and i don't wanto hurt anyone's feelings just because i'm angry for THAT moment.

blogger, i think you are here because sometimes i don't want a human voice to evaluate everything for me. yet i need to let it out of my pent up system. its not always a good thing too. i keep recounting the unhappy as i type entries. double edged sword though because i also recapture the cloud 9 feeling when i read/type the wonderful mercies and grace of God documented.


BUT ..its not good enough reason to be diarying. this can't be a diary when i'm so restricted. byebye blogspot. maybe maybe

i don't like to...

this is something pretty trivial actually and its not going to affect me anymore..after this post. nobodys prob goin to understand what i'm blabbing abt because i'm goin to be ultra cryptic but i don't care.

i hate being put in a box and made to feel like i have no choice coz i know i have perfect freedom in every area. well..its a finished work izznt it?

i understand what its like to be fearful and full of cares. but no one needs to project it out to every living thing around and make everyone live like you.

face it. no one's perfect. its not heaven here. we all need Jesus and His grace. i might not need it the same way as you do but i DO. and very much. just because no one understand does NOT mean its not real. it exists nonetheless.

it takes so much grace but praise the Lord its available to cope with so many weaknesses, infirmities etc. thank God for a bf who really supports, encourages, prays unceasingly and is not always accessible. even via the phone. well, he is super patient and long suffering. fruits of the spirit that you need to survive with gf like this.

i do not have no choice. therefore, the fact that i'm living with certain irritating inconveniences, i am going to make a concious CHOICE not to let it affect me negatively. although i always border at seriously blowing my top. all things work out for my good. i thank God anyway.

patience girl. so much patience. grace. its so tempting to feel despair..not utter but enough to think that certain situations and conditions will be persisiting for the rest of your life but well, as plausible as it sounds, and looks, for now i'll leave my hope with Jesus and hope does not disappoint.

happy fish

i am very angry with ch 8!!they conned me into thinking that jiaqi (from the happy fish show)died TWICE. actually thrice. but the first time was very long ago.and i bawled quite endlessly. although i'm really glad he didnt.

i cant title this.

yes i can rejoice even when i'm undeserving (which actually is all of the time- a truth that i don't realise enough) because then Jesus is my only qualification.

yes i can rejoice even in my many weaknesses because Jesus accomplished His greatest accomplishment in the moment of His greatest weakness. because He took my place. (my precious zac just told me this moments ago)

its been fantastic. it takes a revelation to realise i'm still on earth. a very troubled and devastated earth for that matter.heaven is bursting out of my heart. its a pity none of u can catch it over the internet.


on a side note, there has been fleeting moments of sorrow and even regret. but nothing that the Lord didn't address. now i can truly thank the Lord even for the mistakes brought about because of my wilfulness because of this recent revelation. yes, a few entries back i asked for that one revelation to set me free and well, He gave me a few. that is my Jesus for you. whose other name is el shaddai. He is always more than enough.


"all flesh is grass,
and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field
the grass withers, the flower fades
because the breath of the Lord blows upon it;
surely the people are grass
the grass withers, the flower fades
but the word of our God stands forever"

isaiah40.6-8

surrounded by songs of deliverance

i live near the sea too. and i thank God i turned down more than one offer to go to phuket.

was sleepless on sat night so early sunday morning i found myself trooping to the first service with Jesus with great joy and glee. did not fall asleep for a single second during the fantastic sermon. received so much. thank you Jesus.

even pastor mark's sermonette before the holy communion made me well up because it spoke so directly. i think its just amazing and i know its no coincidence.

was so good i met zac and went for 3rd service again. but i slept like a baby while the rest of the congregation was roaring with laughter. praise Jesus. i woke up at about 4 pm. yah. when pastor prince is on his FINAL close.

never before there was such peace and joy such mental stability even in the midst of chaos and grief. i think i'm geared up and ready for the exciting (and tumultuous for the poor ailing world) days ahead.

asia will recover. God has great plans for you.

"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of foundtains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills;

a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey;

a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing; a land whose stones are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper.

when you have eaten and are full, thenyou shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you" deut 8:7-10

ok. amen.

on eagles wings

another psalms 91 find. which i accidentally dloaded a few weeks back.not knowing how relevant it really was.and was gg to be.sorry josh groban.i'm sure ur album will sell well

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,My Rock in Whom I trust"
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,His faithfulness your shield.
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
For to His angels He's given a command
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

i'm liking this and i'm not masochistic

2005 din start well for me. but it will end well and i will have the last laugh.

the enemy nearly had a fieldday laughing his crushed head off anticipating my impending breakdown and overwhelming sorrow but i'm sorry (actually i'm not) for the anti climax but it just didn't happen. tadah.

inspite of the upheaval that happened, and his vain and futile yet purposeful efforts to set the stage for the great impending events to shake my humble little world, i'm calm. surprisingly. i din expect to. but He did. He expected everything and calmed with the peace that no human mind can comprehend. i am baffled myself.

and it hit me that He went to the cross even for this. even for this. yes, the sorrow that surrounded Him then was truly mine. the sin, the anguish. excruciating no doubt but taken away. so today i have the RIght to rejoice and i'm goin to use it. its a by-product of the gift of righteousness and its too good to put it to waste.

events aren't working to my favor but i'm not supposed to live by them anyway. besides, they're only too prone to change. for now, i'm strangely not too concerned abt the needs to be met, the disadvantaged situation i am in etc. yes pressing needs but its not because it hazznt sunk in. it has already sunk in so far and scared the living daylights out of me. but His name is jehovah jireh and i happen to be His. thats the best thing i've heard all day, and it wazznt delivered by a human voice. Thank you.

so now i gladly declare that i can rejoice even in the midst of these circumstances which are simply not worthy of mention. yes, not even on a blog that no one really reads.=) Jesus made it all possible. its possible to smile even when u're small and lost and hungry and tired coz the bible says u're blessed.even when u're persecuted, poor and yes...the list goes on but God has only one category for pple suffering from the above afflictions- blessed. (pls read beatitudes)and it will manifest during my time on earth.


ooh i just realised.beatitudes. its a BE- attitude. be what?be blessed. just be. because i am.(private revelation. nvm if nobody else gets it. hahahaha)

songs of countless promises
like kisses from heaven they fall
how loved am i
songs that take me to higher heights
such favor i know is divine
how loved am i

No guilt in life no fear in death
this is the power of Christ in me
from life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hand
till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ i stand.

lost in wonder

you chose the cross with every breath
the perfect life the perfect death
you chose the cross
a crown of thorns you wore for us
and crowned us with eternal life
you chose the cross
and though your soul was overwhelmed
with pain
obedient to death you overcame

i'm lost in wonder
i'm lost in love
i'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
i am forgiven
i am restored

You loosed the cords of sinfulness
and broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
up from the grave victorious
you rose again so glorious
you chose the cross

the sorrow that surrounded you was mine
yet not my will but yours be done you cried.

-kisses from heaven-

fresh touch

praise Jesus. look what i found this afternoon....on the second last day of 2004

psalms 32.6-7

Surely in a flood of great waters
They shall not come near him
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance

hallehlujah!

missing...ashley, raeann,gabriel, tammy, jasper, joseph, benjamin, chloe

my arms are still aching.but they're better.they were so painful i couldn't even pick up the phone. therefore....

NEXT TIME BEFORE NURSERY I'LL WARM UP.

its no easy feat carrying two fat babies one after another with another one attached to your leg. it gets even harder when the baby (fatTER after christmas) looks at me with imploring puppy eyes and go.."teacher...carry high high.swing"

and it darzen help that i cant say no to them when they are so adorable.

i love their smell, their everything. i feel tears well up in my eyes when i see their parents arrive for them even though i can finally rest my tired arms and my ears hear nothing more but a light buzzing sound. its sad that they are graduating out of my class come january.

so now i have strong arms.back and calf muscles. and hopefully renewed patience.

all i want for christmas is... just that one revelation...

what i must possibly scream and the song i might possibly sing when i snap out of this digusting cycle and His light shines in and all the darkness flees...

"was i out of my head, was i out of my mind?
how could i have ever been so blind?
i was waiting for an indication
it was hard to find"

restore joy. waiting in anticipation. im a desperate girl.He is a merciful and gracious father figure. i'll get to know what i'm hungering for. breakthrough around the corner...

christmas with the cranks ...and some little bundles of joy.

while the rest of the world feast on logcakes and turkeys, my family was busy making pohpiahs. i don't know why but every time we gather its over pohpiah. the main exchanges that were made throughout the course of the day include, "pass the chilli/garlic/pohpiah skin", "urgh"and silence stony glares. we are not a very affectionate family.no, thats an understatement. i can almost liken it to the gathering of the rudest, most selfish folks. yes, such a congregation exists.

thank God for my cousins. i love them. i love them so much. if not for them, i would have spiralled down depression even further and have truly had less to smile. apart from the wonderful pohpiah. i was just not in the whole yuletide mood. my mind was somewhere else, fragmented, actually its in a 100 thousand different places and the atmosphere did little to remindme that its christmas at all- that Jesus is the reason for the season. that we're here to love , to celebrate Him, not bicker over small things.

i don't have many cousins and joy was the only one i ever went to the same school with. thank God for mgs. i love her like shez my own little sis. although we're 7 years apart, we could go to sch together because mg had pri sch and sec sch together. and we had morning assembly together. and today while playing monopoly junior with little josh, she suddenly blurted this out, "jiejie..do uremember the time u had to raise the flag for morning assembly?"

i was caught off guard.i struggled to remember this. but at the way she was guffawing and choking and gasping for air, the genius in me deduced that it must have been some embarassing incident that i've stashed away to be incinerated. alas, it has resurfaced after this many years.

i was given last minute notice that i had to raise the flag because of girl guides duty. (yes, i was the only guide without any badges and the only outdoor activity i faithfully attended was outdoor cooking). i didn't even know how to put the flag properly. the instructions that were given to me was jsut to pull when the mari kita starts. i thought it was simple.no prob..after all, its yourback facing the rest of the school, no room even for stage fright.

well, so mari kita started and as i got started and the flag started advancing, a gust of wind blew. the flag just covered my entire head. pretty embarassing but its ok, i went on...no one can see me anyway...den as the flag got higher, suddenly i could hear nervous giggles. SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG!

flagw as upside down.i stared daggers at my friend and that look translated into smoething along the lines of .."I TOLD YOU I DIDNT WANT TO DO THISSSS."

so much for that. i would really have preferred to spend christmas somewhere else with some othe rpeople in some church that celebrates Jesus.i love my cousins but the grouchy relatives are too much for me to bear. even being alone and just singing praises alone won't be such a bad idea.

i yearn for time alone with Him and him. i don't know why but time has been choked up. i've been going thru these few days just breathing. existing and not living and struggling to exist even.hit a soul-low a few days ago.

yearning for so much more. need to hear Him talkto me. to minister and to have a private celebration. enough of everyone else. leave me alone, i won't bite but i'll clobber.

miss him. it sux that we have to spend christmas apart.

where to look

"Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
i will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" -isaiah 43.17-19

no reason to despair, whereever ur location and circumstance are. phew.

"and once again i look upon the cross where you died
i'm humbled by your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank you
once again i pour out my life"- kisses in the rain

the mistakes of the throne of israel: 1) looking back at egypt.mourning the things that werent really all too fantastic. only in that moment of insanity did they think it was better than being led out to freedom. in my own humble opinion, this syndrome is nostalgia.

2) lamenting about the current circumstances because they refuse to believe in the glorious future /land in store for them. so wandering it shall be.

dun luk back. dun luk at now. look above. it'll show u whats ahead.

joy to MY world

i don't like blogging anymore, nor reading blogs. word racer is the name of the day.

the past two days have been awesome and this is probably one of my last blogs. before i close it down..bit by bit. or blog once every year.

was at zac's grandparents' place yesterday and God, they are like so lovable. a christian couple with 60 years of marriage. the hightlight of that session must be ah ma singing "beautiful sunday" and "thank you Jesus"...while ah kong (who is kinda tone deaf and deaf) just recited the lyrics. ah ma den tried to hush him so that she can continue her duet with her handsome grandson, isaac quek while i act as support..and come in occasionally and just clap along. i think that moment is divine and i see Jesus nodding. i think i personally prefer hanging out with the really old and really young. anything in between can be classified as dangerous, depressed, whiny and a pain. well..most of the time. if you are feeling offended, well, yes then, i am talking about you. but i still love you!(sometimes)

today was supposed to be an eating spree today and zac and i received a treat from faith and victor. honestly, they are such huge blessings with or without the treat. i really felt so blessed and joyful just being with them. with the food, everything was just totally perfect. and we topped off the day with BS, can anything get better than perfect? Jesus always tops my expectations. contrary to popular belief, i do get everything i want an di know i can. because i'm highly favoured according to the measure of Christ and He can do anything for me. yay!

really, its not just the activities. but the general sense of blessedness and joy that has been sinking into my spirit. some days seem to be pretty mundane and by my own standards, lousy...but its harder to even pay attention to the negative these days. some people in my life are perennial pains...and its not my job to neutralize or change them and although i'm often the subject of their personal anguish and frustration with every possible thing, its ok. its fun to ignoreand go on smiling whilie they continue fuming. i can't help it ok?sometimes the conciousness of Jesus and everything good is so strong these teeny weenee stuff just cant get me down. so for crying out loud, give up. i wish the conciousness of Him and His gdness and love was strong and high everyday but when it izznt, Hez there to remind me gently, to give me a peace that my mind does not comprehend, that my heart sometimes refuse to comply.


whatever...i'm not even going tow aste time looking at these situations and people, i'll let Jesus handle them while i focus on what He wants me to focus on. when i remotely look at these things, i feel like i'm wasting 2 seconds of my life. yes , not even a glance. not worth it.

i am the reason and i cannot deny it. the reason He came down from heaven, went to the cross, rose from the grave.

glee.

door-selective

yesterday a dear friend alerted me of a door she has kindly opened, although i declined to go thru. i know some doors will never close on you but i've grown over the past year. i'm door-selective this time round and this trait will direct all decision-making processes in the future.

the Lord's been showing me (at the perfect timing i must say) that He is the door of the sheep. ( john 10). i will find pasture if He is that door for me. it says there in His word.

i'll rather go by that and not what I should do anymore. and by that, "should" goes in accordance to human standards which are interestingly either beyond or beneath me.

not an ordinary day

Today:

• saw my bf for the first time since he left for that Loooong camp
• fantastic sermon that spoke directly to me and me alone. Jesus has a way of doing things like these. thank You
• my entire family is back.
• Lee Nanxing and moses lim thanked the Lord Jesus Christ during their acceptance speeches for the star awards. hallehlujah!
• not an ordinary day. new light on old darkness. new creation realities -more in play.
• the day before tomorrow. ah ma is leaving for her annual holiday. will miss her so much
• wore a skirt to church. i don't know why but isaac likens my skirt-wearing occasions to something like an olinda dress-wearing sensation. weird
• didn't eat a grain of rice today. oh i did...just not for dinner.
• ate the yolk of the egg

i'm not alone. dun worry

somehow my grandma is very worried when i choose to stay home alone. not that she thinks that i'll burn down the place but apparently its abnormal. on the contrary, i think its the best time that i get to do so because my loudhailer brother is not around to create a ruckus and my ears get a break. but she darzen think so and keeps calling to see whether i've got food and keeps asking me to go out. go watch a movie, shop..anything. just dun be at home. thats the imperial mandate for the day.

yes, i still miss my darling alot. but it darzen mean i immediately need to find other activities to distract me or whatever the prescribed case is. im ok alone. and with other people...although im selective about company. and its not devastating. its just that it feels so funny not being able to hear his voice and all that wondering about how is he. all i know is that hez in jesus' hands and that sets my heart at ease.

and its been 2 hrs since i woke up but im enjoying His company. friend might be coming over tonight. not sure..because i forgot what the plan was.i kept thinking its a stayover but plans are fluid so ah nvm. using this time to just soak up the silence and pray and finish listening to the solid sermon cds that i've accumulated for quite awhile. its been good. just that i'll so like to multiply this joy and love with my darling but we'll wait and be patient. saturday is just round the corner.

thank you for today Jesus...i so love today.

cannot even begin to describe. its not so much the activities but just the general sense of love and awe that i feel..so overwhelmed by His faithfulness and love. its just beautiful and splendid and my words are not doing what i truly feel justice.

im so goin to miss isaac tmr (infact i already do) when he heads for childrens church camp tmr. i just hope the kids arent monsters in disguise. they'll be in huge trouble if they bully him.

sigh..dec is too short.

"mary..Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God! "

drunk with His goodness

this is the day that the Lord hath made, i will rejoice, i will rejoice with you!

yes this is the day that my darling arrived on this earth 22 years ago..the day that i will forever be thankful for because of the manifested goodness of God in my life that i experience now.

yay!HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!

i'll always praise God for this day. =). hez my biggest blessing here on earth.BIGGEST.

i'm the happiest sleepiest girl in the world right now.

fondant fondant fondant

why do i still love them?

i caught a glimpse of one tiny facet of the Father's love for us when i served in nursery today.

surrounded by bawling, screaming, puking, crying children. yes, i saw His love for me shine through even in the midst of all that saliva and yelling. i can't really put it into words for now except that its truly truly irrational and unconditional.

its day 2 of home-aloneness and i turned up at brightstar today kinda stoned with swollen eyes because i was bawling the previous night away. yes yes i am a huge crybaby. but its ok. Jesus loves me and sometimes i honestly wish with all my heart i can add on to that line and say "hmph, and He darzen love you!" and guffaw sinisterly but i know i can't say it. because He happens to live in me and sigh...i can't help but love you lor. whoever u are, if i really dun engage my mind.

that aside, yes i din and couldnt stay stoned for long because when the children arrive, we dun even haf time to pee and breathe. you can hear nothing but them, smell nothing but them, be numb to everything but them. u are on high-alert mode instead. not because of a coffee high but because, child A has a reputation of biting his classmates, child b likes to sit under the table, den get up and knock his head and scream the roof down, child C is tearing the art and craft displays off the wall..etc etc.

of coz you have to try to avert disaster and mediate between feuding toy snatchers while having one child perched on ur hip and another attached somehow to your leg. its not easy but it can be done and its classified by irrational behavior to a great number of pple who study behavior. (i used to be one of them when i majored in psychology). but love is above and beyond rationality. and i know this love is manifested supernaturally and partnered with supreme unmatchable grace to hold on for like 7 hrs before you call it a day. and den i'll just keep coming back for more.
and even when the infamous class tyrant graduates out of my class, i feel kinda sad and a tinge of melancholy.

nothing close to rational at all. but its ok. sometimes if you try to look for a reason to justify every act, your life is essentially, ironically meaningless coz thats really all that can sustain you.
there is no checklist to tick against when it comes to love. phew

day 1 out of 8.

i can't believe tears are welling up. my family has just left for an 8 day trip to china and i'll be all alone. i thought i would relish the thought of freedom and err..some silence since my brother has a loudhailer attached to his mouth. and he wakes up early so i hafta wakeup early too. but when i sent them off just a mere 10 mins ago, i had to fight to hold back the tears. i just hope they enjoy this trip. its been a tough year.i hope relationships are cemented and strengthened, stale waters of marriage turned to wine and everything just goes so well because Jesus paid for them to have the absolute best. and they just bask in His love and enjoy all protection of psalms 91.

no matter what we're family. and although i never would have expected it, i suppose its only normal to miss them in the weird way that i do. now that its just me and my computer, excuse me while i go and unleash the river behind the dam in my eyes.

sleep deprived

i hate it when im awake at this hour in the morning and not by choice but for the same reason as always- because my brother has a loudhailer attached to his vocal chords. that everything he says is amplified like 10 times the average person's volume.

nonetheless today shall be a good day although i spent so much time racking my brains last night thinking abt wat to get for dear isaac for his bdae.and im still clueless as ever.slept at 3 plus am.because i was walking through mall after mall, up and down orchard , IN MY MIND.

urgh.