10 days old

His umbilical cord stump just fell out. 

As usual, I just wanto bawl.

Last few hours

It's finally almost here!! The big countdown. 

My body got the memo all right. I'm leaking colostrum. It's also one of the last few times I get to fart on baby. (He jumps whenever I fart) and the movements area starting to feel really low down!

Can't wait to meet him!! 

4 more days

I'm really looking forward to seeing him. 

But things at home are so upsetting and im beset with fear. 

Just praying for a safe delivery and that he will be healthy. 

And that no matter what, I celebrate him and will always love him 

Last 10 days

Mummy can't sleep.

There's a lot of discomfort and gastric.

These are the last 10 days with you living in the ball as a ball. Most importantly, we will see and hug you soon but these are the last 10 days we will be together 24-7.

You'll have your own room and own cot. Thinking of it is making me cry. I love you so much and can't wait to kiss your pouty face but even the next room seems too far.

Last 10 days

Mummy can't sleep.

There's a lot of discomfort and gastric.

These are the last 10 days with you living in the ball as a ball. Most importantly, we will see and hug you soon but these are the last 10 days we will be together 24-7.

You'll have your own room and own cot. Thinking of it is making me cry. I love you so much and can't wait to kiss your pouty face but even the next room seems too far.

Confessions.

I wanto run away with my child. No one will miss me although if they were ever scared about losing me, then maybe they should be nicer. 

I wish it's just him and me. It won't be easy but well, here we are held hostage by a physically and emotionally absent daddy who has enough eq to allow our maid to power play against us when she was hired to help us.

VillainiZed me infront of her when she already had disrespect for me despite me paying her salary. Said his heart is no longer here. I already knew

I have no confidence at all that this marriage will work out.

Don't want to fight when nate is around. Want nate well. Need a job and help. 

And even though we are desperate, we are not accepting volunteers to be his father. It's a single parent job. 

Sorry nate, I failed you. Already a

Tornatedo

Like tornado.

The right man

I don't really have a clue how but I want Nathanael to be the right man. For his wife and his children. That he will use his strength for them and not on them, have every inch of his heart covered with thoughts and love for them, take care of them in practical ways even when it's inconvenient or costs so much. 

Because I've loved two wrong men in this lifetime and there is so much attached suffering. I want him to have the best but also be the best for that special someone. 

The first person I ever gave my heart to spent the first part of our lives lying and stringing me along while having one foot in a previous relationship. He eventually came back and we tried and tried but the trust was so irrevocably shattered it was too late. Too much heartbreak and at some point, I thought I'd never get over it.

My second and final love is my husband. He is kind but like many Singaporean men, stuck in adolescence and cannot really grow up. He tries but sprouts childish spiteful words. He wants to be a dad but can't willingly lay down the prerogatives of freedom. I have had a hard time coping physically and emotionally because I feel completely insecure that I have no support and am dependent financially. 

Which is why Nate must learn above all else to have tools to build a strong family. For that, he needs God and so many others to come along and guide him. We don't have fantastic role models but I will do my best. 

For his own sake and for future generations and that daughter in law. 

Blues

It was midnight and I had acid reflux causing me to throw up. I switched on the lights in a hurry to get to the loo, to contain damage and I got a wail and a protest because I kept switching on the lights and the husband couldn't sleep. 

Then as no help came and I continued making a mess throwing dinner up, suddenly there was a bang and I was shut in with no ventilation "to keep the lights out".

When I was done, I just stood there to cry. Did I mention it was a lonely journey? 

Now I'm full of resolve that I'm never raising a man who puts his needs above all else and is sensitive and kind to is wife. 

Some days, in moments like these, I'm convinced, if not for the beauty of Nathanael that I married the wrong person.