While I'm waiting

Elijah spent a lot of time waiting in between the excitement of calling down fire and running from Jezebel.

Lord,teach me how to wait with the right attitude and be faithful even in the 'boring' seasons. I am well provided for in every way and have quite actively sought out to be useful and take on jobs but all the only thing I'm ignoring and procrastinating is wait.

I have conjured up things to do such as promotional mechanics and marketing activities for the business that I have meaning to wind down. From the looks of it, I am a confused disorganized skittish person who on one hand is prepping for liquidation but on the other hand conjures up more work for myself WHILE spending hours a day on a job hunt.

What is up with me? What does God want me to do in this nothingness? What can I do? I feel so depleted and empty.

Whatsapp

Some people hail it as a technological winder and after much goading and guilting,I finally downloaded it.

Pretty cool for the first few hours chatting with my friends and getting updates about their lives. Until...

You see the thing about this programme is that unlike other messaging programs like msn you can't 'hide' from people.as long ad they have your number,they know you're around and can make contact with you.

And that's my main gripe. Some guy whose number is not in my phone anonymously messages me. Thinking that he is a lost friend and a casualty of my last phonebook import attempt, I responded and apologized for losing his contact. However I have absolutely no recollection after he reintroduced himself and he said he knew me when I was a student in UNi but he's not from my UNi and he hasnt talked to me in 6 years. Then the alarm bells started ringing in my head and then I'm wondering if he's the anchorpoint stalker or the weird anonymous one who leaves messages and notes telling me how I despise his 'love'.

So when he asked what I'm currently doing, I told him I'm a housewife hoping he'll get the hint. I went on to wail about this to 2 Weenee n Yp (on whatsapp ironically) and they were like "you're housewife meh???"

Ok,freelance housewife ok?

Whatever the case I got the job done without being antagonistic. Phew!

Why I'm special

This is one of the questions asked and I was supposed to detail what makes me special compared to the multitudes queuing for a job in this company that I applied to.

I had no clue and as I mulled I could not come up with anything remotely positive and it was soo depressing. I knew others had a strong edge over me and were better qualified in many aspects. In short, I'm really not that exceptional except that I always allow myself to be stretched (sometimes to the point of snapping) and seem to have a penchant for the path of more resistance.

In the end, I wrote about my entrepreneurial experience and how I survived the global financial crisis and grew it from a mustard seed to what it is today. I have lived many years compressed in the last three years. Many will never ever know the bitter sweet uphill climb and trepidation of entrepreneurship and learnt the lessons not taught in school.

I hope this answer is satisfactory because it's the best I can manage. At the heart of it all, I'm really just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God.

Help me,God!!

I don't know what it is but I feel like curling up in bed and just sleeping the day away tomorrow. Had a rough day battling fatigue, commuting,chores and the dark moods that threaten to obscure my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel like praying for others. There is a rapid inception of thoughts such as' you can't even help yourself. Why pray for others?' I know it's the enemy talking and I should retaliate with intensified prayer but I'm just so tired.

I also feel very used and ignored by some friends and I'm very close to sanctioning an embargo on just about everyone. Again, I'm well aware that this is another scheme to sow discord and threaten long time friendships and godly alliances but i feel so helpless against the flood of negativity unleashed at me.

Don't know how to get through this week. A shipment that was supposed to arrive in June is on the way. I wasn't notified of it's early release and thinking I have time to spare, I went to say yes to help out in various errands and packed my weekend with gatherings and a baby shower. Church fast begins tomorrow and with a prayer meeting in the evening. I don't know how I'm going to drag myself up jubilee road to church given that im already lifeless while well fed. It has to be by His divine grace and mercy. I wonder what god will accomplish during this fast and I'm waiting in eager anticipation. Without a doubt, Jesus is on his way back and I want tone found ready and faithful.

Gearing up to pray his kingdom come!

God help me!!

He knows

I'm amazed and in awe of how uch He really knows. Many might think this is pretty daft since God is omniscient. Maybe I should put it like this, I'm amazed at the littlest thing about me that He knows and yet discover nothing is too minute that He doesn't care about. He knows when I was battling my private fears in the solitary confines of my study at night. He kept my husband awake (I'm sorry!) and told him exactly how to address those fears. I am amazed that He intervenes even in these matters. He truly keeps watch and neither slumbers nor sleep. And of course, He knows what tomorrow holds and where life will take me/has taken me. I don't have the answers to many of life's perplexing questions but the safe sweet knowledge of knowing that He knows makes me feel so indescribably secure. Since He knew that this and that would happened, He will have a plan. He will also intervene. He knows. "I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing"

left-behind phobia

I hate being left behind.

Case(s) in point:
-I am ok with travelling for work but I'm a lot less ok if husband has to.
-I am very open to the idea of relocation and leaving friends and family behind but if the situation was reversed, I'd be a lot sadder.
-I'd rather be the one who dies first.

I always want to be the first to pull the plug. If the plug has to be pulled.

I abhor farewells when it comes to those so dear to my heart but if I know they are leaving, I start withdrawing emotionally before they do so physically.

I want to leave my footprints all over the globe but I want to carry the smitherines of my heart with me whereever I go. Maybe that's why. Because I only truly feel safe alone. Then no one gets to leave me behind.

So forgive me, to those whom I've known long enough to put up with my fleeting nature.
To those who want to know me more, forgive me for fortifying my heart so well you can't reach it.
To those whom I've left behind, forget me. I'm not worth it.

轉機 粵語 - 潘瑋柏

So I'm on my very slow ascent to being canto-pop queen.

This song really touched me. It's super poetic ...I think. Kelda thinks I probably don't know what it really means but I think I got the meaning.

Lovelovelove!

Vintage

This girl I met in Orchard today mistook me for a sprightly early 20s girl. When I gently broke the news of my real age, she was visibly taken aback and what came out of her next as she tried to redeem herself from the sticky situation was, "err, at your age still can lah."

she was a talent scout.

Lying to yourself

Guilty as charged.

Psalm 119:29

"Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.

Sent from my iPhone

What if Jesus came back tomorrow?

How will I be found?

In the light of all the tragedy happening and the unrest in the Middle East fuelling talk about the Apocolypse, I can't help but wonder if I'd be ready for His return.

'Readify me'. I don't want to be left behind.

Silencing my worst critic

I don't know how I'm going to get through this week. Heck, I don't even know how I'm going to get through this life.

Feeling so faint and light-headed and sooo sleep deprived. I know I did myself in with my horrible eating habits and have no one but myself to blame. This is lesson #33453345 in healthy living and I still haven't passed the module and graduated.

I bailed on my dentist today. I didn't even cancel the appointment. I went there, EARLY to be informed I'd have to wait. Way past my appointment time because they overscheduled. So I went home and brought lunch to sick husband instead. I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years and at this rate, it just seems like a classic case of 'not-meant-to-be'.

Last night as I lay awake battling heartburn and acid reflux, I thought about how discontented I am, perenially. And it hit me that perhaps the root of it is that I myself am plagued with a sense of never being good enough. I am prepared to go unnoticed, forgotten and bypassed. Fundamentally, this intrinsic feeling of being not good enough for a job, for people, for life mirrors itself when I start to feel like certain situations etc etc are not good enough for me.

I need to know what is my value and that I can pull the brakes of this quest of perfectionism. I am tired of this never-ending ascend with no peak and no end in sight. It is a ruse to get me distracted from all the blessings I have been endowed with and my pursuit of Jesus. Instead, I get caught up in my own goals (and I have too many unmet) and lead me to strife...with myself.

I don't know how to work this issue out except by prayer. I need to resist the strong temptation of comparing myself to my circle of over-achieving peers. I need to count my blessings and just learn to love myself abit more, one step at a time. I need to forgive myself, for the countless mistakes and errors I've made and for the many more that will come, by virtue of being me.

friends forever..not

In my wildest fantasies, I'd like to have this executed:

To issue you you and you official notice that you are not permitted in my lives in any way. It will be cathartic because my heart journeyed with yours through your valleys only to be ambushed by betrayal and lies during your mountain-top sojourns.

I just want every memory of you you and you obliterated. Because you really are a lousy person. Now I see. I have been blind but now I have the prerogative of hindsight and you are really a lousy person.

Go away. And take your knives on your way out. Stop trying to pretend to be chummy.

Unfortunately, I can only rant here. In my private sphere. And the lousy people in question will never read it. Never know. And I'm too tired to field endless questions/emails/smses of why I seem to be unavailable or start a petty version of world war 3.

**
Really think I'd like to be unavailable more often and let 2011 be the year of Unavailability. After april, I'll be unavailable for baby showers, weddings, birthdays etc. I'll have my own agenda and just be...unavailable and invisible like..vapour.

I'll work hard, play hard , on my own turn, on my own terms. I'll read voraciously, cook like Martha Stewart and make sure my brittle nails turn into iron and never fall off. At the risk of sounding like a certain disgraced pageant queen, I'll let it be more about me and stop fretting or getting upset. I'll let it slide, confront it or forget it. I'll watch The Soong sisters like a thousand times and savour every last bit of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (final season). I'll avoid poisonous influences and purge poisonous people of my life. I'll detox and both physically and spiritually.

And hopefully by 2012, I'll still have friends and people who remember me.

reap what you sow

Heartburn.

Defiance and stupidity

So I've got a potential threat of a throat infection bug in close proximity but I went ahead and wolfed down 15 satays.

God save me from gluttony.

Sent from my iPhone

stuck stuck stuck

Nobody seems to want to hire me unless I'm willing to travel at least 50-80% of the time. Apparently, I'm of little use in Singapore alone.

To be honest, I lived to travel and it was hard to think of a life otherwise say, 10 years ago. I want to be an aeroplane, failing which, pilot, failing which....other means of being paid to travel. Now, I'm stuck. Rooted and stuck. I cannot travel because family obligations bound me. I cannot find work that wants me to stay put put put in SG.

Just as well. My heart isn't here either, if not for Isaac.

I need to revisit old places, immerse in a different culture and visit new places all over again.

Steroids day 2

Side effects: insomnia, euphoria and mania.

Husband thinks I'm quite weirded out. Dancing on the spot. Sleeping at 7 pm buried under pillows then waking up later giggling away and now I'm wide awake unable to sleep.

Just went to sniff him while he is sleeping like a log. Tickle him with my hair n watch him squirm uncomfortably.

Teehee.giggle.

Can you guys hear the marbles??ping pong!

Sent from my iPhone

Veggie tales

I know God has a plan for me. Just ...WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?-breathes-

Having intense cravings for the following:
Brocoli
Fried Garlic
Sauteed shitake mushrooms

Must be the steroids. Driving me into vegetarianism.

Puffer Fish

Had dinner with Jacq tonight in what seemed like forever. Glad we did even though it nearly didn't happen.

An hour before meeting her, I had a drink and in the 15 minutes after that drink, the left side of my face was swelling. My gums felt like I had a peanut stuck on them and my vision was obscured by the swelling under my eyes and my cheeks seemed to have grown an inch.

In the waiting room at the doc's, I was swelling faster as the minutes went by. After popping steroids and antihisthamines then did it subside. So I went for dinner AND dessert still swollen and all. We bumped into another friend who exclaimed ''what happened??!!" like 100 times in 5 minutes. I was trying not to distract all the other diners and jacq and its amazing how we got to actually catch up proper inspite of the not-so-pleasing and terribly uncomfortable sight.

And I still don't know what I was allergic to since I've had tea at this outlet like too many times in a lifetime.

Bleah.

Most expensive tea I ever drank. Tea $1.50 + Doctor's fee: $47=heartache.

Husband, I'd like your rendition of this please. Go memorize and learn the lyrics

The world is awake and soaked in grief and panic

It seems rude and inappropriate to talk about anything else in the light of this catastrophic event. The foundations of the earth are literally being shaken as I type.

By now if you haven't already heard, you are probably living under a rock.

A ginormous 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan causing untold devastation.

In addition to the escalating death toll in Japan itself, many others in countries sitting in affected areas where the plates are busy crashing into each other are unable to sleep in peace tonight. They are either getting ready to evacuate or busy evacuating due to Tsunami warnings. So many lives wrecked, so many precious lives.

I wonder now, what were the last hours like? In Japan, most were spent working (or slaving). It was reported in some less affected areas, some just went back to work. I was surprised to see that in some video footages taken in an office, the employees did not go under the table (which is a normal earthquake safety procedure) but instead tried in vain to salvage items like computers and documents. I wonder really, in that precarious moment as your life is vascilating along with the building you're in between life and death, what is really so important that you can't let go? Perhaps to them, even if they survived the earthquake but lost their life's work (or week's work) , because work has been the all in all in their lives, the sole ruling authority that dictates their thoughts and time, they would be just as good as dead if these were destroyed by the earthquake.

The shakings are so violet I got sick just watching the footages on tv. I see the helplessness in the woman waving for help from her bedroom window, trapped in her house. Elsewhere in Singapore, I see people thronging the IT fair hoarding trolleys strapped with printers and laptops. It's business as usual. For some unknown reason, we have been shielded from so many natural disasters. Our worst brushes with anything remotely catastrophic was the Orchard Road flood on 16 June 2010. (I have a knack for remembering dates, don't ask why). We are so encapsulated and while I thank God for His mercy, I can't help but wonder how many people here who are warm and toasty in their beds tonight stop a think about the fragility of life, the purpose of their being and the victims of this destruction.

Are we too comfortable and sheltered? Perhaps. What would it take to wake us up? If this happened in Singapore, to us, what will our reactions be? Will our lives and priorities be different after that? Will we still stubbornly hold fast to our petty grudges or whine at the tiniest inconvenience?