Walled up

It hasn't stopped raining in 3 days.

I appreciate the coolness and I think my air conditioners appreciate the break as well. They have been working hard for me.

I am devolving to more and more of a hermit and increasingly possessive of my personal time. I think the emptiness is my best friend. Feel so encroached on when his mum asked us to stay over. I was almost indignantly furious. To top it off, she gave me expired fishballs. And no, I'm not over the ONE tomato saga. I really feel so trapped and hounded. This has got to be one of the worst times of the year. I hate being the recipient of your leftovers and your annual fridge spring cleaning endeavours.

I feel this constant need to protect myself from the corrupt values surrounding me, I know what I'm vulnerable and susceptible and how fragile I really am. That's why I need to stay away from poisonous influences and stimuli like a hyperchondriac from germs.

Leave me alone.

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Consolation

Psalm 138:8

" The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, OLord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps138.8.NLT

Sent from my iPhone

rested

We finally have a guest room! Sorta. He bought a really expensive bed so we can afford to have ONE guest. The church very often hosts visitors from overseas and it's been the same few people hosting for awhile. We still got quite a long way to go to clearing out my 'laundromat'. I have a disgusting amount of clothes and bags. Need to start giving them away. Some of them still have tags on them.

Despite the fairer weather and sightings of rainbows on the mood front, I still have some difficult valleys to sojourn through. Being alone is like a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives me room to sort out my thoughts and think. On the other, it makes me vulnerable and pre-dispositioned to my worst vice: thinking too much. I mull and I ponder and then it leads to worry without solutions or an anchored faith that 'it is well with my soul'.

My social calendar seems awfully maxed out and I cherish the times of solitude so badly. Yes, I do get many hours a day alone but those have to be spent with my mind on some basic chores and well...I don't even know what. I don't even know why I'm always invited to something. I guess that it is a good thing and it's also ok to turn some invites down. And these are good people. It's just that I don't know how to choose anymore and a part of me does want to go. I just end up super tired after and it messes up my delicate routine that I'm trying to establish after having a hey-wire one for so long.

God help me. I'm having a meeting with the GM after the 8th to discuss my role in the company. It may or may not work out. I have to agree with pay package and most importantly, the portfolio. Am done trying to be everything although part of me relishes running the show from behind the scenes. The temptation is so strong but I'm prepared to walk away from the table if it doesn't feel right. I'm not 22 anymore. My career ambitions have yet to abate and I know I'll be heading for another crash if I do what I always do. My first priority still needs to be my family. I don't know how it's all going to work out but He will sort it out.

:/

Had my first reunion dinner with my family today. Was a costly affair but I guess it was worth it. Been awhile and there wasn't a hint of any of the past turbulence in my relationship with my parents.

Isaac had a good chat with my straight-as-an-arrow brother. When we asked how was his Israel trip, his answer was a simple 'good'. When we asked what he saw, he went 'mountains and blah blah'. Hardly worth the 3k + the parents spent to send him there. And believe it or not, he didn't take a single picture! He didn't even bring his camera or took anything with his iphone. SIGH.

Was supposed to help and plan steamboat dinner for homegroup but it is starting to look like a logistical nightmare. Simon just invites and scaled it up without considering the details and now Joanne and I are flabbergasted that we have 20+ people and..no steamboat. She already ordered most of the raw stuff so we can't even cancel and switch to a restaurant instead. To top it off, we don't have enough tables and chairs! Oh well.

On another note, I'm still woozy. Nearly fell back when I stood up because I was so lightheaded. I wonder what's wrong. I was given a clean bill of health by the doctors but there are these persisting symptoms that suggest otherwise. I eat well, sleep (quite) well. And, inspite of the crazy incessant over-indulgence of food in HK AND BINTAN, I managed to lose weight. I suspected hyper-thyroidism but I'm apparently all clear in this area. But I'm not new to this. I've realized that in the past, the more I eat, the more weight I lose. It seems like my metabolism increases when I erm..exercise my jaw.

I am uber weird.

Redemption hill family

It's almost 1 am and the skies are crying.

For some reason, despite the inconvenience it causes, I very much prefer the rain to the scorching heat. Maybe I should even stock up on some rain boots and ponchos so I can go on with my daily activities unhindered. This weather is so much more romantic and it cheers me up so much more than cloudless days under the scorching sun.

My leave is coming to an end soon (if things go as planned) and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited yet apprehensive all at the same time. But leaving it in God's hands. Somehow, I'm not too worried anymore. This break has helped to clear my head and taught me to take life one step at a time. There will be enough grace for every moment, every trial.

Still feeling a tad seasick for the ferry ride back home from Bintan. I heard it'll take a week to subside. The waters were extremely choppy and we spent the entire hour playing charades. It was hilarious. I've really grown very close to this group. So close I'm a tad afraid that I'll have to leave them, that if anyone of them leaves, it'll break my heart. Every single one is so precious and it truly feels like family. I never thought it'd be possible to find such a strong brother/sisterhood in christ here on earth ever again but I did and I thank God for it.

We learnt alot about each other during the trip and everyone concurred that I'm a spoilt vampire in disguise. I shy away from the sun even though we were at a beautiful beach resort and am constantly wearing shades and piling on the SPF. I was also very 'blur' and excitable. Apparently, my team (which includes another MGS girl) would scream the loudest even though we came in last. It is kinda comical because we honestly didn't realize the other teams had beaten us to the games (charades etc) and we thought we were the first to get the answer!

So barely a day after the retreat, though physically exhausted, we were already planning a steamboat reunion at Si and Tarryn's place this friday. Unbelievable. We cannot seem to get enough of each other and whenever someone disappears for work/study commitments such as duty travel, their absence is so palpable.

God has really restored and placed the solitary in families. Now, we are arriving at the place whereby we share our vulnerable secrets, weal and woe. For eg, we all share Joanne's pain and always semi-jest about how it is our cell-group's goal to raise 200k to free her from her bond from a particular slave-driver employer. We missed Karen because she had to miss this trip for a good friend's wedding. We pain and agonize with Tarryn in her hour of affliction. We celebrate each other's victories and walk hand in hand in the dark valleys.

Something so beautiful is happening here and I'm so glad I'm part of it. So inspite of the fact that I'm so not a sun, sea and sand girl, I'm glad I went for the trip. And even if I do get freckles or whatever from the merciless sun, for once, it'll be worth it.

I do hope however that they'll consider shadier places for our next outing. Like Malacca..At least the food will be better.

Shumei even joked that I'm so spoilt that if we were to head along to Mongolia for our mission trip, I'd probably just fly in from some 1st tier city like Shanghai/beijing for the activities and then fly out the moment it's done. I beg to differ. I think with these people, I have learnt that it is quite ok to forego some comforts and I'm happy to be part of this journey. I want to be part of this. I've learnt so much from them, been so inspired by them, been so touched by their love. Now I just want to give back.

Thank you God for these folks. Bless them so much and may Your bonds of love bind us together always, no matter where we go.

Reflections from HK

The two escapades away from home were fruitful despite being very physically exhausting. Note to self: do not pack 2 trips within the same week.

HK: was an eye opener in many aspects. It was the first time Isaac came along with me and he thought it was a romantic city. I found it preposterous and threw out the thought with a scoff. HK is often generalized (and misunderstood) for being 'souless' with a self-centred populace. The city was also often crowded and noisy AND the air thick with smog. Hardly fits into anyone's notion of romantic. Except my strange boy.

But what is it that draws me back time after time? I don't think it's solely the cheap buys and savings. Somehow I'm in love with this city and everytime I head home to SG, I feel like my heart behind. There is something about the energy and vibrance of this city pulsating like the heartbeat of the city. There is loneliness in the eyes of commuters desperately shying away from any eye contact in this densely populated city. There are the very rich and the very poor, separated by a huge gulf. I could walk around aimlessly just watching the people. Like many other global cities, hurts and fatigue lie concealed underneath the veneer of the designer togs and shades.

I attempted to speak to an old lady sitting by the street corner in busy Mongkok with my broken cantonese. After our brief conversation, I headed off after passing her a $20 note but couldn't get the image of her out of my mind. How lonely, how sad the destitution. It's just not right. The throngs of people shuffling around in the designer togs and shopping bags while the poor sit below the poverty line in the corner of the dirty streets, in the cold. It's just not right that we are co-existing and turning a blind eye to the voiceless populace. It's just not right.

Perhaps I am too rich in my bank and too poor in my soul. Maybe it's not true giving until it hurts. Jesus gave all that He had. The $20 didn't even make a significant dip to my pocket. I can't help but remember the rich young ruler who was turned away by the Lord himself because he couldn't bring himself to part with his worldly comforts. Squatting there in the corner with the old lady for that brief moment made me almost embarassed. Of myself. Embarassed that I haven't shared lavishly what I've been given so richly. Embarassed of the poverty in my own soul that manifests in whining and self-pity when things don't go my way. Embarassed at my laments that I can't afford certain luxuries.

Change me Lord.

Help me to love, like You do. Help me to abandon my attachment to worldly things and truly ''seek Ye first, Your righteousness'. Help me to all that you want me to be to the lost, the poor, the Jesusless.

How now?

I got two job offers without sending my resume out. (no, not insurance or banking sales)

Now..now. how?

How true

Psalm 39:6

" We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps39.6.NLT

Sent from my iPhone

hubs is sick.

Isaac caught some flu bug 2 days ago. Apart from the sniffles, I'm still holding out. His fever has receded and then came back with a vengeance. 2 visits to the doctor later we emerged from the clinic with 'upgraded' antibiotics.

The poor boy has been in agony. He sleeps most of the time and I cancelled most of my appointments to be at home to serve and nurse him. He hasn't been this sick for quite awhile. Come to think of it, he hasn't really had a flu since he started consuming the crazily expensive cordyceps everday.

It's a little odd that the tables are turned. Usually I'm the one in bed not being able to breathe and feverish. It's actually quite nice (in a weird way) to be the one serving and nursing. While I fully empathize with his pain, it's quite 'refereshing' (if I may use the word) to have him at my mercy and talk less. On my end, I am more obliging and is busy whipping up healthy porridges infused with every available flu-fighting nutrition.

I may have to cancel and bail out of the wedding after all and serve my notice with an ang pow instead. Friend wouldn't be pleased but I doubt my absence will be noticed. It wouldn't be right at all to leave a man who is my covenanted husband at home alone when he is debilitated and weak from almost 39 degrees fever. I'd just feel safer being around checking on his temp, sponging him every now and then, feeding him and making sure he gets enough fluids etc.

Broken wings

My achilles heel: getting too self-absorbed.

When it rains just as I step out of the house, I think all about my inconvenience and how it must always rain on my parade. I get frustrated. It does not occus that everyone else , under this same piece of the stormy sky is also inconvenienced.

Life cannot be rich when it's all about self. I introspectively examine my failures and focus so much I forget that the earth is still rotating on the same axis and that Jesus is still coming back.

I realized everytime I board a plane headed to somewhere, I somehow never fail to get surprised when the plane lands in another destination. I never fail to marvel that a single tubular vessel can defy gravity and take me away from home. But I was born to travel, to find romance roaming alone through streets with the Lord. In my apparent solitude, I feel peace and appreciate His sweet company. I can afford to get lost. Unlike life now.

I am always in a hurry to go somewhere but am always a crying mess when I have to say goodbye at the airport. Isn't it so strange that I'm fiercely independent and yet my heart clings to so much at home.

I have my best moments on the plane. I watch all the movies I don't get to watch and because I can't work, I am 'forced' to make myself comfortable (no matter how cramped the seat is) , recreate and talk to God. Many of the times I hear His whisper most clearly, it is on a flight. I am more tolerant of discomfort in the air. I don't know if this enhanced closeness to God has anything to do with the fact that I'm in the clouds.

Was born with wings but now they're broken.

Isaiah 40: 3
...they shall mount up with wings like eagles...

Loopy thoughts

I cannot be anyone else. I was made to only be me.

The real trouble now (to everyone else), is that being me is a menace on many fronts.

"Call me a miscreation, I'm a walking celebration"
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Ready to start anew?

I think I stepped too hard on the brakes.

Now I'm thrown back, hard and I don't know how to proceed. I'm scared to start and go again but I can't sit here strapped (and trapped).

I struggle like a cold-turkey junkie to resist the urge to check my mails. When I occasionally do and see it load like flies descending on decay in my inbox, my pulse speeds up and I feel like I need to run.

At this rate, I might morph and devolve into a korean-movie, chinese song KTV regular. They are both sappy and slow enough for me.

It's 2011.

It's been more than a decade since I thought robots would come and rule the world in 2000, amongst many other things.

I am stumped and want to leave this land.

Compassion

John 11:33

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/John11.33.ESV

Sent from my iPhone

Eve of new year's eve

This time of the year, I'm extra fidgety because I'm not brave enough to come to terms with the fact that one whole year has gone passed in a flash and here we are, at the threshold of another unknown.

There is a strange romanticism in facing this alone (so to speak) because God is so close and you know come what may, even if I had to cross through hellfire, He will be there.

We will watch the year deplete of it's last glories like a sunset and wait in anticipation (and trepidation) for a new year.

What really lies ahead? I have no clue. Except that my God is already there.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

I'm not alone

Maybe I'm not as alone as I think.

Am amazed at the numerous parallels between our stories. Between mine and yours, between mine and a novel's plot and even silly movies.

These help me gain another perspective and strangely provide an awesome sense of comfort. Somewhere out there, there are peope going through similar predicaments, searching for the same answers. I might not know you but we're on the same journey. I know at least somewhere out there, if I ever had to chance to confide in you, you'd empathize.

If only we knew our destinations and answers like the finale of a drama series which we can fast forward to.

If only.

27th Christmas

It was good by most standards. I wished the birthday boy happy birthday and determined in my heart to not let my own gloom, or anything at all overshadow the joy of this occassion.

Jesus, I'm thankful for a lot but mostly, I'm thankful for You.

Had a panic attack while napping. This was a sneaky one that threatened to ruin the day. By God's grace, it didn't. Will not go into the details of it but it was nicely ambushed and unexpected. Isaac refuses to leave me alone for too much but spent most of the day sleeping. Poor boy. I empathize with fatigue. He attempted to cook noodles thrice as per my instructions. Didn't work and the resident chef of the house had to come in for rescue. He cracked no egg but I managed to crack a smile.

I reconnected with the lovely Pam and we chatted and it's amazing how much we can share over msn in such a short time. God, I miss that girl. Has it been a decade since she injected coffee into my veins? Now, we're all grown up and she is injecting Godly perspective into my life. How awesome. I'm so proud of this girl.

Brother spent this christmas in the holy land (I hope he was in a manger) coz I am jeolous.

On the way back from dinner after church, zac and I were both caught in crazy thunderstorm that has been inundating SG. It was funny rushing in the rain. We got home soaked and cold but had a good laugh. His valiant but vain attempt to shelter me from the strong winds with his skinny body was also hilarious.

January 2011 looms ahead. God, you must have something planned. Please tell me soon.

Look at what came in the mail

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

-----Original Message-----
From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: 24 Dec 2010 02:03:06
To: <devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org
Subject: YOU WILL SURVIVE

David Wilkerson Today

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2010

YOU WILL SURVIVE

Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True
happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and
pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in
the past.

You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you
are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up
at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!

Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or
die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much
you can bear with God's help.

You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to
you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in
heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal
his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you
can't see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and
simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence.
He wants you to cry aloud, "Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail
me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be
defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my
direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon
that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17).
 



Read this devotion online: http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/11171


Pulpit Series Newsletters
================================================================================

Sifted Saints, 12.13.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/sifted-saints

Handcuffed to Jesus, 11.22.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/handcuffed-to-jesus

A Skeptic's Guide to Crossing the Jordan, 11.01.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/skeptics-guide-to-crossing-the-jordan


Sermons By David Wilkerson
================================================================================

A Call to Anguish, 05.01.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/sermons/david_wilkerson/2003/call_to_anguish

Crisis Praying, 09.26.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2615

Living Without Fear, 01.25.08
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2640



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Audio sermons by David and Gary Wilkerson are also available via our audio
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Lighter

Read an interesting quote but I'm not sure who it originated with : "life is like photography, it is developed by negatives".

Today can be considered 'groundbreaking' in many ways. I had to confront so much including stuff I was no longer accustomed to. Hours of almost non-stop meetings and my brain is not as dynamic as I'd thought it to be.

It was just a brief foretaste of what is to come and I was forced to 'disclaim' the journey I had made. I am no longer so sure of my abilities and my supposed strengths. I used to be able to juggle with ease, now I fear to drop the balls. Obsession masqueraded as drive and while I used to be dynamic, now I'm just happy to not trigger an eruption of too many things at ago.

Over the past two years, I've had to re-organize my priorities and slay many golden calves that I'd erected in place of the throne of the only true God. While the journey has been fraught with pain and despair, having had to come to the end of myself and doubting everything I thought I knew, I do not regret it and deem it necessary. I do not think it was the devil like I used to. The enemy is an opportunist and while it would be in his nature to capitalize on my archilles' heel with temptations, I truly think God orchestrated all this because He loves me. He had to show me the conceit, the ruthless ambition, the self-righteousness that reigned in place of Him. He had to strip me of my strengths so that I will lean on only Him alone. He had to endure malignment of His character from a beloved child He gave everything for the joy that she will one day see the light and step into His plan for her life.

Like David, Jeremiah, Job and Elijah, I had ranted in my despair. I had determined in my heart never to be 'sold out' for God because the lot I get in return does not commesurate. Now, in His light, every opportunity I had to give, was His opportunity to give to me. Sometimes, it was a lesson to strengthen my character, an insight to gain wisdom, other times, a glimpse of His character. Unlike them though, I was never that 'sold out' for Him. I was not a man after His own heart or a young prophet called to proclaim a truth that had zero mass appeal. I did not stay faithful in the face of complete utter worldly ruin and I did not protect His glory in the face of strong opposition.

But that's me :Unprofitable servant and Beloved child that He went to calvary for. Ironically, this apparent dichotomy will forever define me.

Fw: Playing improvised tic tac toe with wedding decor at a wedding while waiting for bride and groom. :)

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

28 oceans

December 7, 1982.

The day I'll forever be thankful for.

We had a lovely weekend of celebrations and I can't thank God enough for His gift of friendship through so many precious ones that have become like family. The brotherhood in Him is such a glorious tapestry, interwoven with His love. Such a glorious masterpiece.

So glad he enjoyed himself despite the tiredness. The feasting was great but the company was even better. We also probably stuffed ourselves with enough japanese food for the next 6 months.

Now we're on the way to cross into another season, sail across another ocean together. I'm excited because of who I have with me to take this journey with.

Happy Birthday my dearest husband. Love you so much.