For someone who isn't exactly the epitome of cheery, I have a significant bit of lines on my face that suggest otherwise. The crow's feet around my eyes are getting more pronounced. This is slightly ironic as I really don't remember smiling much (sincerely at least) If these were obtained due to my patronizing obligatory smiles and nods....it wouldn't be worth it.
On another note, I'm a lot more 'zen' now regarding the situation. Perhaps God is really stripping me apart layer by layer to expose the idols I've erected to worship in place of Him. Upon examining my own heart, I really can't say that it isn't true and if I were God, no matter how painful, I'd do it too.
I'll take it as a season of detox as He sorts through the deep layers embedded in my heart. In the meantime, I'll learn (hopefully) to fear nothing except Him and to have no other throne in my heart except His.
Uncertainty is the surest certainty but it's the hardest concept to grasp as I crave for stability, predictability and well, certainty. But life is an adventure that I cannot afford to miss. I just hope I'm buckled tightly in His grace and beyond that, let His will be done in my life. I'm letting go.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Mule
Stubborness is akin to only listening and agreeing with yourself, dismissing everyone else.
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Uphill trek with no peak in sight
I'm evaluating my options and even though there doesn't seem to be many, it's taking me an awful long time.
What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?
It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.
I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.
I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.
If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.
If I could, I'll simplify me.
What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?
It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.
I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.
I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.
If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.
If I could, I'll simplify me.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Mistaken
I am always shocked when I realize that I'm mistaken about people. I've never been naïve enough to 'believe the best' but neither am I overly cynical (I think).
So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.
On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.
I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
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So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.
On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.
I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
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5.49 am
So this is how the early morning looks/feels like.
The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.
I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.
The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.
I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Almost 2011
I can't decide what to feel about the fast depleting 2010.
On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.
But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.
This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.
I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?
On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.
But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.
This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.
I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Reboot please
It could have been a very romantic evening with the gentle cool breeze, a souvenir from the passing showers.
It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.
Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.
Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?
It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.
Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.
Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Mount Merapi
I'm not happy.
But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.
In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.
And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.
Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.
But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.
In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.
And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.
Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
pin ball
1) Rojak mix of sadness and deep anger
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Pit-iful
Psalm 42: 5
Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God
I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.
I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.
Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.
And that's enough.
Misery needed company but got a savior instead.
Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God
I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.
I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.
Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.
And that's enough.
Misery needed company but got a savior instead.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Pollution
The haze is not just polluting the air but various social networking mediums such as facebook. People are polluting it with profanities to express their disdain for the haze. Guess the lack of oxygen is threatening coherent civilized living.
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I dreamt
of another moment in time
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus
But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''
It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls
24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate
Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus
But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''
It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls
24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate
Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
In the light of eternity
Words of Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose''
Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.
As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.
So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.
I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?
Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter
Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.
As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.
So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.
I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?
Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Bah-rant-eweeeee
Too many things I don't understand and don't know.
I shouldn't be so frustrated since it was no big revelation that I'm not omniscient. But why this antsiness within that renders me so discontented and unhappy?
PMS seems like the only logical answer. Been wanting to eat up the world and I had 2 full dinners (1 Peranakan) within a short span of 3 hours. Thought that'll make me somewhat happy but when I got home, there it was again. The 'arghness' hits me again and this time I can't even rise (literally) to wage a good battle and 'be of good cheer'.
I want to engage in something frivolous and yet I have zero frivolous desires. I HATE the ardous task called shopping even though I'm facing a serious 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' crisis, I hate the weather so that pretty rules out anything outdoor and I'm out of detective shows/novels.
Oh joy, you are too elusive. Wherefore art thou??!!!!
BAH-RANT-EWEE
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Friday, October 15, 2010
Persecuted church
Currently reading a book on true accounts of the persecuted church and it brought me so much grief as I share the pain of my fellow brothers and sister from afar.
While I applaud their unwavering faith in the midst of terrible trials, I cannot help but get angry at the oppressive regimes that have subjected them to imprisonment and ruthless torture.
But yet the mightiest and sole weopon that they have is a love that never dies. An unquellable love and mercy that sends itself to die for its worst enemies.
It has to be supernatural, to love people who have subjected your body and soul to unspeakable abuse. I have yet to understand this fully and it blows my mind.
Praying and praying for the persecuted brethren.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Vulnerability
Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...
"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Monday, October 11, 2010
Alive!
Just a short note to prove I'm alive.
Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.
There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.
This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)
There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.
I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).
Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.
There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.
This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)
There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.
I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).
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