pin ball

1) Rojak mix of sadness and deep anger
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.

Dreamt I was taking a maths exam withe likes of our current prime minister and another guy called cao cao.

No hope of doing well especially if it's graded bell-curve style.

And there was this fatalistic apt tune in the background.

Yay.
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Pit-iful

Psalm 42: 5

Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God

I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.

I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.

Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.

And that's enough.

Misery needed company but got a savior instead.

Betrayal

The kiss of betrayal left a scar.
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Pollution

The haze is not just polluting the air but various social networking mediums such as facebook. People are polluting it with profanities to express their disdain for the haze. Guess the lack of oxygen is threatening coherent civilized living.
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I dreamt

of another moment in time
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus

But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''

It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls

24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate

Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief

In the light of eternity

Words of Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose''

Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.

As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.

So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.

I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?

Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter

Bah-rant-eweeeee

Too many things I don't understand and don't know.

I shouldn't be so frustrated since it was no big revelation that I'm not omniscient. But why this antsiness within that renders me so discontented and unhappy?

PMS seems like the only logical answer. Been wanting to eat up the world and I had 2 full dinners (1 Peranakan) within a short span of 3 hours. Thought that'll make me somewhat happy but when I got home, there it was again. The 'arghness' hits me again and this time I can't even rise (literally) to wage a good battle and 'be of good cheer'.

I want to engage in something frivolous and yet I have zero frivolous desires. I HATE the ardous task called shopping even though I'm facing a serious 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' crisis, I hate the weather so that pretty rules out anything outdoor and I'm out of detective shows/novels.

Oh joy, you are too elusive. Wherefore art thou??!!!!
BAH-RANT-EWEE
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Persecuted church

Currently reading a book on true accounts of the persecuted church and it brought me so much grief as I share the pain of my fellow brothers and sister from afar.

While I applaud their unwavering faith in the midst of terrible trials, I cannot help but get angry at the oppressive regimes that have subjected them to imprisonment and ruthless torture.

But yet the mightiest and sole weopon that they have is a love that never dies. An unquellable love and mercy that sends itself to die for its worst enemies.

It has to be supernatural, to love people who have subjected your body and soul to unspeakable abuse. I have yet to understand this fully and it blows my mind.

Praying and praying for the persecuted brethren.
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Vulnerability

Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...

"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Alive!

Just a short note to prove I'm alive.

Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.

There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.

This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)

There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.

I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).

How did we get here?

Has it been a crazy month or what?

Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.

We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.

Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.

I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.

Repentance

I just had an epiphany of sorts.

Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.

Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?

I didn't.

The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'

Yet, I so often do.

I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.

Where joy and sorrow meet

Death for a christian starts at the cross when we die with Christ and rise again with Him.

Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.

I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.

Lessons garnered

1)You are more aware of the fragility of life and come to terms that you are not all that invicible.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.

2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.

3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.

4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.

5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.

Lunch time musings

Psalms 143: 12
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.

They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.

My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.

I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.

My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.

Rough patch

It's been rough and just last week, I was bemoaning that the GPS of my life seems to have lost signal. Some days, the cloud shrouding my thoughts are so thick I can't see past it and I just let my emotions sink like quicksand.

I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.

Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.

I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.

I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.

However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.

Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me

-Corrine May, Will you remember me

Morbid

Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.

I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.

I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.

I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.

It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.

I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.

"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.

Why

Why do I keep on asking 'why'.

I'm never contented with the answers, if there were any at all.

I am still alive.

I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.

It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.

There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.

**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.

Disturbing eh?

I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.