-Recently concluded christmas events with Tangs. Heaved a big sigh of relief and am thankful that sales results are very good.
-Pondering about 2010 and getting reflective about 2009.
-celebrated Christmas and our 1st year anniversary. cannot believe it's been a year. still in shock.
-heading for Beijing. The weather's mad. Just as I was seeking comfort in the fact that it's warming up, temperatures have dipped yet again and now the highest is -2 deg celcius. Lowest at -12.
-Looking forward to Jan.There's Bei jing , our staycation and Bangkok. All in a month. After a very 'labourious' year, they had to come all at once.
-setting goals for 2010 and wondering how to get there.
-successfully executing certain recipes..so Isaac's like really happy and full.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Nomadic instincts
I am so sleepy but delivery beckons.
I want to go back to Hong kong.
Its strange how certain places away from home makes me feel at home. Wanderlust.
It's such a conundrum. I was born to travel and yet I feel strangely homesick every single time.
I really can live out of a suitcase forever, eat airplane food and sleep with a neck pillow without complaints.
I want to go back to Hong kong.
Its strange how certain places away from home makes me feel at home. Wanderlust.
It's such a conundrum. I was born to travel and yet I feel strangely homesick every single time.
I really can live out of a suitcase forever, eat airplane food and sleep with a neck pillow without complaints.
Perhaps perhaps
Of late, I've been having the ridiculous insane notion of returning to my studies.
I truly regret giving up my chance at Murdoch to pursue psychology when most of my freetime is spent reading psych books, commentaries and wikipediaing psych-related stuff. This also translates to my fanaticism over 'criminal minds' which focuses on criminal psychology and 'the mentalist' which employs the study of human behavior and criminal psych. (The latter is quite crappy but I follow faithfully anyway)
Infact, my psych textbooks are the only relics I keep from NUS. Despite being a history major. Today, I can remember more about the damage done to the brain's cortex during an episode of chemical imbalance than the American civil war. I want to try to understand various mental illnesses and be equipped with the keys to free the captives trapped within the dungeons of mental illnesses.
I don't know why I made the U turn back and don't know if it was God's hand at work. But I can't wondering 'what if'.
If things had gone the way I wanted, I might still be studying or be on a very very different course in life. I wouldn't be selling lotions and shower cremes. www.soothe.com.sg might be a website with resources to soothe the inner turmoils that afflict many souls. Everything will probably be not that too different from the now but viewed from different lenses. My business will probably not be related to providing bathing supplies for the body but to bathe the wounds left by the ravaging diseases of the mind.
Ah well, its a bygone era that I can't reclaim. Maybe I'll revisit this when my grandchildren arrive or try to re-enrol into university with my kids. We'll see. If ever.
I truly regret giving up my chance at Murdoch to pursue psychology when most of my freetime is spent reading psych books, commentaries and wikipediaing psych-related stuff. This also translates to my fanaticism over 'criminal minds' which focuses on criminal psychology and 'the mentalist' which employs the study of human behavior and criminal psych. (The latter is quite crappy but I follow faithfully anyway)
Infact, my psych textbooks are the only relics I keep from NUS. Despite being a history major. Today, I can remember more about the damage done to the brain's cortex during an episode of chemical imbalance than the American civil war. I want to try to understand various mental illnesses and be equipped with the keys to free the captives trapped within the dungeons of mental illnesses.
I don't know why I made the U turn back and don't know if it was God's hand at work. But I can't wondering 'what if'.
If things had gone the way I wanted, I might still be studying or be on a very very different course in life. I wouldn't be selling lotions and shower cremes. www.soothe.com.sg might be a website with resources to soothe the inner turmoils that afflict many souls. Everything will probably be not that too different from the now but viewed from different lenses. My business will probably not be related to providing bathing supplies for the body but to bathe the wounds left by the ravaging diseases of the mind.
Ah well, its a bygone era that I can't reclaim. Maybe I'll revisit this when my grandchildren arrive or try to re-enrol into university with my kids. We'll see. If ever.
The last pages of 2009
It's getting better and I can see the light at the end of this 6 week long tunnel.
I've been so busy I forgot to indulge in my annually whimsical, nostalgic end-of-the-year stock take on life. Instead of being mopey as I contemplate and get all introspective, I was veering towards physical and mental burn-out instead and hanging precariously off the cliff of sanity.
I suddenly miss certain people and wish I could give them a call. But I knew I wouldn't know what to say and also have to contend with their surprise because its been ages since they've even heard a whim from me. Especially if they're not even on facebook.
Just like that, I've been married for a year. And lived 26 years of my life. And still wondering where this bullet train called life will ever slow down for me to smell the roses take in the sights.
For someone who doesn't have many memories to fall back on to reminisce, I find it strange that I feel the way I do at this time of the year. While I miss the innocence, laughter and predictability of yesteryear, there is no way I'd go back even if I could.
Yet when I hang out with youths almost a decade younger, they bring out so much of me. In youth, we don't have the prerogative of hindsight and wisdom. In their pits, no matter how deep or shallow, they can't see the possibility of getting out of it. The 'defining' exams that threaten to seal their fates were the single most major thing. Depending on their results, it would be either a huge catastrophe or their passport to a somewhat eternal bliss. (Until the next big exam) I find myself laughing inwardly when I listen in on their conversations and try to follow their erratic train of thoughts, reminders that even though their landscapes are now renovated with ipods and various other gadgets, I've walked that very same road too.
It was a small world with fixed routes before you arrive at the great unknown and adulthood beckons and responsibilities increase. It was a world where your first love had utter dominion over your under developed heart. (and when you had to go separate ways, that same heart died) Where a single disagreement rocked like an earth-shattering earthquake. Where grades in school were determinants of success. It was a pre-historic time before life taught you to distrust, before fortresses were built around vulnerable hearts etc.
Today I'm just glad for the handful of friends I've been graced to grow up with and grow old with. That they are the constants I can fall back on when the world throws me with too much confusion and change. I miss them and hope to see them more often before life robs too much of our time together. I miss those who have fallen away for reasons I don't even remember anymore, whose friendships I once cherished so much, those who've known me enough to finish my sentences but didn't stay long enough to finish journeying life with me.
Like you said in my dream last night, "I truly ache ..."
Wish you well, whereever you are now.
I've been so busy I forgot to indulge in my annually whimsical, nostalgic end-of-the-year stock take on life. Instead of being mopey as I contemplate and get all introspective, I was veering towards physical and mental burn-out instead and hanging precariously off the cliff of sanity.
I suddenly miss certain people and wish I could give them a call. But I knew I wouldn't know what to say and also have to contend with their surprise because its been ages since they've even heard a whim from me. Especially if they're not even on facebook.
Just like that, I've been married for a year. And lived 26 years of my life. And still wondering where this bullet train called life will ever slow down for me to smell the roses take in the sights.
For someone who doesn't have many memories to fall back on to reminisce, I find it strange that I feel the way I do at this time of the year. While I miss the innocence, laughter and predictability of yesteryear, there is no way I'd go back even if I could.
Yet when I hang out with youths almost a decade younger, they bring out so much of me. In youth, we don't have the prerogative of hindsight and wisdom. In their pits, no matter how deep or shallow, they can't see the possibility of getting out of it. The 'defining' exams that threaten to seal their fates were the single most major thing. Depending on their results, it would be either a huge catastrophe or their passport to a somewhat eternal bliss. (Until the next big exam) I find myself laughing inwardly when I listen in on their conversations and try to follow their erratic train of thoughts, reminders that even though their landscapes are now renovated with ipods and various other gadgets, I've walked that very same road too.
It was a small world with fixed routes before you arrive at the great unknown and adulthood beckons and responsibilities increase. It was a world where your first love had utter dominion over your under developed heart. (and when you had to go separate ways, that same heart died) Where a single disagreement rocked like an earth-shattering earthquake. Where grades in school were determinants of success. It was a pre-historic time before life taught you to distrust, before fortresses were built around vulnerable hearts etc.
Today I'm just glad for the handful of friends I've been graced to grow up with and grow old with. That they are the constants I can fall back on when the world throws me with too much confusion and change. I miss them and hope to see them more often before life robs too much of our time together. I miss those who have fallen away for reasons I don't even remember anymore, whose friendships I once cherished so much, those who've known me enough to finish my sentences but didn't stay long enough to finish journeying life with me.
Like you said in my dream last night, "I truly ache ..."
Wish you well, whereever you are now.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
a really long weekend
so my body and immunity finally gave way today after subjecting it to very little rest. the body finally gave up and everything came crashing down like an endless torrent (of mucus) .
had a great day with Pete and Kel nonetheless celebrating Isaac's bday. So thankful for them hatching and planning the day which I felt awfully guilty for not participating much in as I've been working weekends, late nights etc.
Another highlight was Ade's wedding. After a gruelling 20 hours or so, it ended and I sincerely wish them the best in life ahead together as one. There were many laughs along the way to alleviate the fatigue and I'm glad it went well. Missed Ah belle though.
It led me to realise I've been nearly married for a full year myself. Where did time go?
Looking forward to the Christmas for some much required rest and to take stock of the year before and plan for what's ahead. Exciting plans but have to try to not get carried away like I so often have tendencies for.
In the meantime, counting down to our anniversary, christmas, bonuses, BJ and BKK. :)
had a great day with Pete and Kel nonetheless celebrating Isaac's bday. So thankful for them hatching and planning the day which I felt awfully guilty for not participating much in as I've been working weekends, late nights etc.
Another highlight was Ade's wedding. After a gruelling 20 hours or so, it ended and I sincerely wish them the best in life ahead together as one. There were many laughs along the way to alleviate the fatigue and I'm glad it went well. Missed Ah belle though.
It led me to realise I've been nearly married for a full year myself. Where did time go?
Looking forward to the Christmas for some much required rest and to take stock of the year before and plan for what's ahead. Exciting plans but have to try to not get carried away like I so often have tendencies for.
In the meantime, counting down to our anniversary, christmas, bonuses, BJ and BKK. :)
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
what's on my mind.
-black bean soup (been awhile since I last drank it. Grandma used to cook it so often)
-carrot,potato soup
-beef stew
-peri peri grilled chicken (the nearest nando's is in kl so I gotta find my own way)
-Assam fish curry
-Chap chye
ah belle, come back soon. u're the only one who will cook out with me.
-carrot,potato soup
-beef stew
-peri peri grilled chicken (the nearest nando's is in kl so I gotta find my own way)
-Assam fish curry
-Chap chye
ah belle, come back soon. u're the only one who will cook out with me.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Youth is wasted on the young.
Today I woke up feeling old.
It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.
It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.
I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.
My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.
Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.
It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.
It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.
I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.
My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.
Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
musing from the bullet train of life.
this year flew by fast. Soon, we'll be celebrating our first year anniversary as husband and wife! Praise the Lord for everything He has done for us.
The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.
On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.
I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.
And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.
Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.
The irony and mystery of it all.
The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.
On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.
I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.
And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.
Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.
The irony and mystery of it all.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Blindness
The trappings of the passing world can blind us so much until we are so caught up with self that we forget that there are multitudes besides us.
This isn't about social responsibility. I marvel at how we Christians, who lift our hands on Sunday in praise can go on to Monday with our hands stuffed into our pockets of comfort and shrug nonchalantly at the other catastrophes that beset countless others.
If there's a call to mobilize the army of God, then where are teh warrior who claim victory from the pulpits and pews but do nothing otherwise. No one fights a war sitting on their hands. Undoubtedly, spiritual wars should not be engaged by hands and feet but should be fought from our knees but there has to be a rising with His strength to step out to shine as our duty calls when gross darkness besets the earth. The church ahs a responsibility in these dark hours to shinein places devoid of color and hope and usher Jesus to the lost and dying. Its the golden opportunity of a moment here in history.
And these are my humble 2 cents worth as I continue to battle the flesh that also vainlessly cling on to the comforts I enjoy..Noting also that I'm but a single voice.
And pardon me if I turn a deaf ear to another lament on how there's not enough money for vain material pursuits when a 3rd world nation co-exists on the same planet. Some, right under our noses in this greatly affluent country.
I do have a personal vendetta against iniquity, poverty, sickness and injustice. And I've decided that I'll hate these more than I love my comforts and false securities.
The gods of this world has wreaked a havoc big enough for too long. I cannot wait for the day the church arises, not out of debris and dust but out of the dead weights of hedonism, in-fighting, greed and other lusts to join the revolution with heavenly ranks and win the world with and for Jesus Christ.
In the meantime, I pray and wait. and listen.
-I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waitingI will serve You
While I'm waitingI will worship
While I'm waitingI will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait-
While I'm waiting, John Waller (a man who waited 17 years)
This isn't about social responsibility. I marvel at how we Christians, who lift our hands on Sunday in praise can go on to Monday with our hands stuffed into our pockets of comfort and shrug nonchalantly at the other catastrophes that beset countless others.
If there's a call to mobilize the army of God, then where are teh warrior who claim victory from the pulpits and pews but do nothing otherwise. No one fights a war sitting on their hands. Undoubtedly, spiritual wars should not be engaged by hands and feet but should be fought from our knees but there has to be a rising with His strength to step out to shine as our duty calls when gross darkness besets the earth. The church ahs a responsibility in these dark hours to shinein places devoid of color and hope and usher Jesus to the lost and dying. Its the golden opportunity of a moment here in history.
And these are my humble 2 cents worth as I continue to battle the flesh that also vainlessly cling on to the comforts I enjoy..Noting also that I'm but a single voice.
And pardon me if I turn a deaf ear to another lament on how there's not enough money for vain material pursuits when a 3rd world nation co-exists on the same planet. Some, right under our noses in this greatly affluent country.
I do have a personal vendetta against iniquity, poverty, sickness and injustice. And I've decided that I'll hate these more than I love my comforts and false securities.
The gods of this world has wreaked a havoc big enough for too long. I cannot wait for the day the church arises, not out of debris and dust but out of the dead weights of hedonism, in-fighting, greed and other lusts to join the revolution with heavenly ranks and win the world with and for Jesus Christ.
In the meantime, I pray and wait. and listen.
-I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waitingI will serve You
While I'm waitingI will worship
While I'm waitingI will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait-
While I'm waiting, John Waller (a man who waited 17 years)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Waiting.
Yesterday's sermon in church was a solid punch straight from heaven. I've never heard something quite like that, so honest, so brutal , so righteous and so true.
Without a doubt, I started shedding tears.
Later in the day, I came across the sunday times article on the ''cagedog'' slums in HK which angered and saddened me. HK has always been a city close to my heart and the great Gini coefficient always appalled me. The dismay of the poor is so great and the poor are really so poor and forgotten. I can't imagine them slipping through the cracks of society into an eternal darkness without knowing Jesus.
Yet, this is also the city that produces a great proportion of billionaires, even more millionaires and has more LV shops than Paris itself. In fact, the biggest LV store in the world was previously in Hk (marginally overtaken by SG now).
I wonder if anyone is reaching out to these people and delivering the good news of the Gospel to them. I wonder if any practical aid is streaming in or are we all too caught up in the comforts of our own lives and various material pursuits. There has to be more than one Jackie Pullinger in HK.
I am willing to go and I've been praying about this for months but the flesh is weak. Here is my confession: that I think I'll get nauseous and throw up before entering because of the stench and my hyperchondriac tendencies might kick in.
But at the same time, I cannot help but feel great compassion for this group of the lost. And I know this compassion is not mine but from above. I can almost feel Him weeping for them as they wallow around in their mire of despair and hopelessness.
I don't know how. The flesh is so weak and I'm scared. I know the opportunities to partner with any group also haven't presented itself yet but I stay awake thinking of them. The nameless dirty faces that don't know Jesus as redeemer, savior and friend.
Praying that the Lord equips, strengthens and sends. At the end of the day, I want to be where He is and I know He dwells in slums and hospitals. Praying spirit overcomes the flesh.
Waiting.
Without a doubt, I started shedding tears.
Later in the day, I came across the sunday times article on the ''cagedog'' slums in HK which angered and saddened me. HK has always been a city close to my heart and the great Gini coefficient always appalled me. The dismay of the poor is so great and the poor are really so poor and forgotten. I can't imagine them slipping through the cracks of society into an eternal darkness without knowing Jesus.
Yet, this is also the city that produces a great proportion of billionaires, even more millionaires and has more LV shops than Paris itself. In fact, the biggest LV store in the world was previously in Hk (marginally overtaken by SG now).
I wonder if anyone is reaching out to these people and delivering the good news of the Gospel to them. I wonder if any practical aid is streaming in or are we all too caught up in the comforts of our own lives and various material pursuits. There has to be more than one Jackie Pullinger in HK.
I am willing to go and I've been praying about this for months but the flesh is weak. Here is my confession: that I think I'll get nauseous and throw up before entering because of the stench and my hyperchondriac tendencies might kick in.
But at the same time, I cannot help but feel great compassion for this group of the lost. And I know this compassion is not mine but from above. I can almost feel Him weeping for them as they wallow around in their mire of despair and hopelessness.
I don't know how. The flesh is so weak and I'm scared. I know the opportunities to partner with any group also haven't presented itself yet but I stay awake thinking of them. The nameless dirty faces that don't know Jesus as redeemer, savior and friend.
Praying that the Lord equips, strengthens and sends. At the end of the day, I want to be where He is and I know He dwells in slums and hospitals. Praying spirit overcomes the flesh.
Waiting.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
my little piece of heaven
If my life was an epistle, i hope that under the lenses of observers, you will see that God is good-to me, through me.
Suddenly, all the events that happened made sense. I see how His hand skilfully orchestrated all to build, to strengthen to demonstrate Himself in His infinite power when my finite power is utterly depleted. I'm sorry for the lamentations and the doubt. Thankful for the grace and mercy and the sweet blessings I've turned a blind eye to.
At the work front, I'm still amazed at how the expansion is going despite having started with a mere 5 loaves and 2 fishes. We are ramping up on our existing infrastructure to cope with the increased demand and trying to find new avenues to launch new lines.
I even had to slow things down by turning down/postponing projects as I simply couldn't cope and didn't want to compromise on the simpler but far better things in life. I know God did not give me this business for me to neglect friends and Him so I have to engage wisdom actively to embark only on the projects and the paths He leads me to, not everything that presents itself.
I'm humbled by the beginnings of this business and where it has been and where it is heading. Am not the least perturbed by the detour and the apparent disappointments in the delay of the shop because for once in a seemingly long time, I've learnt to trust again knowing His plans are the best and I cannot force my way through and expect no grief.
This journey is so precious as I learn to follow, trust and obey. Every step I take in obedience unveils His majesty and goodness even when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Even as I work, I need to know that money is my servant, not my master and God forbid it even stages any uprising in my heart and try to dethrone God himself.
I read an interesting quote in the papers today about money being like manure which has to go around for it to generate good. Something along those lines. Even as I depise debauchery and hedonism, I must take note not to judge the people in bondage to it because I've been there myself.
I've been really enjoying and savouring marriage. So thankful for him and us. So glad I married this one. I saw in a memo he stored in his phone "do something special for wife''. It's so typically him to say something like that and for that I just want to squeeze, hug and inhale him in.
I know there are problems and the daily mundaneness to go through. But I'm so joyful and thankful for these simple pleasures of life that cannot be bought.
:)
Suddenly, all the events that happened made sense. I see how His hand skilfully orchestrated all to build, to strengthen to demonstrate Himself in His infinite power when my finite power is utterly depleted. I'm sorry for the lamentations and the doubt. Thankful for the grace and mercy and the sweet blessings I've turned a blind eye to.
At the work front, I'm still amazed at how the expansion is going despite having started with a mere 5 loaves and 2 fishes. We are ramping up on our existing infrastructure to cope with the increased demand and trying to find new avenues to launch new lines.
I even had to slow things down by turning down/postponing projects as I simply couldn't cope and didn't want to compromise on the simpler but far better things in life. I know God did not give me this business for me to neglect friends and Him so I have to engage wisdom actively to embark only on the projects and the paths He leads me to, not everything that presents itself.
I'm humbled by the beginnings of this business and where it has been and where it is heading. Am not the least perturbed by the detour and the apparent disappointments in the delay of the shop because for once in a seemingly long time, I've learnt to trust again knowing His plans are the best and I cannot force my way through and expect no grief.
This journey is so precious as I learn to follow, trust and obey. Every step I take in obedience unveils His majesty and goodness even when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Even as I work, I need to know that money is my servant, not my master and God forbid it even stages any uprising in my heart and try to dethrone God himself.
I read an interesting quote in the papers today about money being like manure which has to go around for it to generate good. Something along those lines. Even as I depise debauchery and hedonism, I must take note not to judge the people in bondage to it because I've been there myself.
I've been really enjoying and savouring marriage. So thankful for him and us. So glad I married this one. I saw in a memo he stored in his phone "do something special for wife''. It's so typically him to say something like that and for that I just want to squeeze, hug and inhale him in.
I know there are problems and the daily mundaneness to go through. But I'm so joyful and thankful for these simple pleasures of life that cannot be bought.
:)
in brief
-some big purchases coming up. decisions.
-some new projects, expansions. decisions
-some detours. but not disappointed.
-good friend heading off. be back in 2 months. loss (albeit, temporarily)
-thankful for us. gratitude
-hooked on times square sermons (again!)
-farmville (:p)
-enjoying church tremendously again (:))
-backaches (treacherous)
-increasing workload
-one friend in love. :)
-granduncle's passing but home with Jesus
-learning cantonese. slow but progressing. (arduous)
-wondering where to go for holiday at year end. decisions
-wants to lose weight-3 kg? i need to fit into my old clothes (don't yell)
-growing intimacy with Him. (heaven)
-sanity despite the insanity around (in the cleft of the rock)
-love love love. (in love with Love)
-some new projects, expansions. decisions
-some detours. but not disappointed.
-good friend heading off. be back in 2 months. loss (albeit, temporarily)
-thankful for us. gratitude
-hooked on times square sermons (again!)
-farmville (:p)
-enjoying church tremendously again (:))
-backaches (treacherous)
-increasing workload
-one friend in love. :)
-granduncle's passing but home with Jesus
-learning cantonese. slow but progressing. (arduous)
-wondering where to go for holiday at year end. decisions
-wants to lose weight-3 kg? i need to fit into my old clothes (don't yell)
-growing intimacy with Him. (heaven)
-sanity despite the insanity around (in the cleft of the rock)
-love love love. (in love with Love)
Monday, October 05, 2009
Speak
Speak when u nudge my heart
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.
changing perspectives
It's been more than a month since my last entry.
Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.
I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.
My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.
I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.
I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.
I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.
but somehow like always, You'll get me through.
Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.
I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.
My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.
I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.
I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.
I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.
but somehow like always, You'll get me through.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Contentment
i think He is trying to re-engineer my thought processes so that I'll finally learn to think with sense and arrive and happiness, joy and fulfilment.
Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.
I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.
So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?
My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.
The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.
I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.
Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.
I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.
So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?
My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.
The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.
I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
How you love me-Bebo Norman
Hope came home,Home to me today,And fear has run the other way.And words are weak;They don't know how to say,"You know I still believe in You."And should my dreams fall through,I will be safe with You.So with every breath I can breath,I'll sing about how You love me.I'll sing about how You love me.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
idolatory in my life.
i don't usually write things like these.
I was reading 1 Cor 10 and Paul is warning against idolatory which I've realized to take my insidious forms and is more cleverly disguised than the mere worship of idols such as statues etc. An idol is essentially what is crafted by hand and we are told to rid our lives of all idols.
It suddenly struck me this week that I have a whole altar of idols in my life and in this modern day and age, there are so many more and because they don't take on the form of the archetype of statues sitting on an altar, we dismiss them when they've all but set up thrones in our lives and govern our decisions accordingly.
Last Sunday in church, my pastor brought up this example- there was this king in the bible who was so evil he sacrificed his own children to his gods. Child sacrifice is clearly undisputedly an abomination and a clear act of evil.
Are we not doing these today when work has become our gods? Are we not ourselves a generation of children who have grown up less than whole because our parents made the decision to give their lives to their work (god) ?
And now today, Paul says it this way in verse 7 , "Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written ' the people sat down to eat and drink and rose to play'"
Have we not become our own idols in pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and self-seeking objectives and comforts? I never thought of it this way and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.
I am sad to acknowledge in all my years as a christian, so little is preached on following the call at ALL costs and crucifying the flesh at ALL costs and living a life so separate and sanctified. I can count the messages on one hand that have at least briefly addressed this because this is not at all comforting to the ears of this generation who simply cry out for more blessing, which happens to only be measured in financial and material units.
This is an extremely uncomfortable message and it is the message of Paul. He delivers this as a sombre warning to the Corinthian church and admonished them strongly to not partake of the ways of those who had gone by fallen before them. It's been said so often, let the bible interpret the bible..and now, we see yet another aspect of idolatory.
I don't know if this speaks to anyone else but its time to tear down another throne that has erected itself in the presence of the Living God in my heart and not be a fool to carelessly brush this off.
I know He is not coming back for a bride so caught up with herself and her comforts. I know He is returning for a warrior bride without spot nor blemish and I don't want to be part of any body of influence including circles of friends that will otherwise point me in the road of least resistance because I can sail along and enjoy the breeze. I am not sure if I am strong enough to withstand against the values that try to creep into my soul and overtake my heart and love for Him. I have no confidence and thats why I made the not-so-painful decision to 'circumcise' many people out of my life.
And I'll very much seek fellowship with the remnant (few as they are) to charge along this course in pursuing Him and His purposes at all costs, ridding ourselves (daily if need be) of pursuits that tie us down to lesser things and prove to be nothing but deadweights in our pursuit of Him. I don't want to be a coward and allow my fears of not having enough to rule me. I don't want my lust for temporal things to overcome my zeal for Your glory. Before I'm ready to usher His kingdom here on earth, I must ensure that my heart and will is subject to this kingdom's authority entirely.
And I want to rest in the exhilirating delight that in their company and His, I'm home.
I was reading 1 Cor 10 and Paul is warning against idolatory which I've realized to take my insidious forms and is more cleverly disguised than the mere worship of idols such as statues etc. An idol is essentially what is crafted by hand and we are told to rid our lives of all idols.
It suddenly struck me this week that I have a whole altar of idols in my life and in this modern day and age, there are so many more and because they don't take on the form of the archetype of statues sitting on an altar, we dismiss them when they've all but set up thrones in our lives and govern our decisions accordingly.
Last Sunday in church, my pastor brought up this example- there was this king in the bible who was so evil he sacrificed his own children to his gods. Child sacrifice is clearly undisputedly an abomination and a clear act of evil.
Are we not doing these today when work has become our gods? Are we not ourselves a generation of children who have grown up less than whole because our parents made the decision to give their lives to their work (god) ?
And now today, Paul says it this way in verse 7 , "Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written ' the people sat down to eat and drink and rose to play'"
Have we not become our own idols in pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and self-seeking objectives and comforts? I never thought of it this way and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.
I am sad to acknowledge in all my years as a christian, so little is preached on following the call at ALL costs and crucifying the flesh at ALL costs and living a life so separate and sanctified. I can count the messages on one hand that have at least briefly addressed this because this is not at all comforting to the ears of this generation who simply cry out for more blessing, which happens to only be measured in financial and material units.
This is an extremely uncomfortable message and it is the message of Paul. He delivers this as a sombre warning to the Corinthian church and admonished them strongly to not partake of the ways of those who had gone by fallen before them. It's been said so often, let the bible interpret the bible..and now, we see yet another aspect of idolatory.
I don't know if this speaks to anyone else but its time to tear down another throne that has erected itself in the presence of the Living God in my heart and not be a fool to carelessly brush this off.
I know He is not coming back for a bride so caught up with herself and her comforts. I know He is returning for a warrior bride without spot nor blemish and I don't want to be part of any body of influence including circles of friends that will otherwise point me in the road of least resistance because I can sail along and enjoy the breeze. I am not sure if I am strong enough to withstand against the values that try to creep into my soul and overtake my heart and love for Him. I have no confidence and thats why I made the not-so-painful decision to 'circumcise' many people out of my life.
And I'll very much seek fellowship with the remnant (few as they are) to charge along this course in pursuing Him and His purposes at all costs, ridding ourselves (daily if need be) of pursuits that tie us down to lesser things and prove to be nothing but deadweights in our pursuit of Him. I don't want to be a coward and allow my fears of not having enough to rule me. I don't want my lust for temporal things to overcome my zeal for Your glory. Before I'm ready to usher His kingdom here on earth, I must ensure that my heart and will is subject to this kingdom's authority entirely.
And I want to rest in the exhilirating delight that in their company and His, I'm home.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I need to
know where You're leading
stand at the edge of the ocean and feel small
remember why this is all for
feel you with me in my lonely hours
smile at sweet memories
forget the lemon tinged ones
let the warm rays of the sun wash my face
let the wind sweep my hair
feel the cold
marvel at intricacies of architecture
well up because my heartstrings are tugged
gaze at cute babies
and maybe pinch their fat cheeks
smell them
play with puppies
get zesty about life
smell the roses (not literally, coz i'll sneeze)
sing without a care that i'm way out of pitch
laugh like no one is looking (or guffaw)
gorge on sambal stingray
bury my face in watermelon
drive aimlessly
swim at 2 am
visit italy
sit at the edge at grand canyon and dangle
bounce off the walls
not bother
take 2 months to visit friends in far flung places
visit the forbidden city, tiannanmen
twirl my spaghetti endlessly
watch ice disappear in my drink
build a pokka green tea tap
move singapore away from the equator
smell fruity shampoos
burn fat
wonder
dream
love
stand at the edge of the ocean and feel small
remember why this is all for
feel you with me in my lonely hours
smile at sweet memories
forget the lemon tinged ones
let the warm rays of the sun wash my face
let the wind sweep my hair
feel the cold
marvel at intricacies of architecture
well up because my heartstrings are tugged
gaze at cute babies
and maybe pinch their fat cheeks
smell them
play with puppies
get zesty about life
smell the roses (not literally, coz i'll sneeze)
sing without a care that i'm way out of pitch
laugh like no one is looking (or guffaw)
gorge on sambal stingray
bury my face in watermelon
drive aimlessly
swim at 2 am
visit italy
sit at the edge at grand canyon and dangle
bounce off the walls
not bother
take 2 months to visit friends in far flung places
visit the forbidden city, tiannanmen
twirl my spaghetti endlessly
watch ice disappear in my drink
build a pokka green tea tap
move singapore away from the equator
smell fruity shampoos
burn fat
wonder
dream
love
Monday, July 20, 2009
Again, I wonder
Despite the very significant progress and breakthroughs, I wonder yet again when will I see the fruition of all I sought to grow. If it was a luscious vineyard I set out to plant and grow, i think the plants would be all up and I'll just be waiting for the grapes to show up. While patience takes its time to mature in the petulance of my being, I find it hard being still, being at ease with me.
I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?
Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.
These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.
I've been so wrong.
Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.
So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.
Because that was really why You created me for.
I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?
Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.
These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.
I've been so wrong.
Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.
So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.
Because that was really why You created me for.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
dear J
Dear Jeremiah
We didn't even get to see your face except through sonograms and ultrascans. Your parents are bitterly grieved right now even as they seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. Now we must all concede that you'll grow up in heaven and that we'll only see you again when we finish our earthly course.
I wish we had a chance to know each other. I was telling your mommy the other day on what to get you and making plans to go shopping in anticipation for your arrival. Now with you gone, all our hopes are dashed. You were even going to be the spokesperson for my new botty balm. I guess babies in heaven don't use botty balms.
I am sad but nothing compares to the grief your parents feel. Nothing that is sad can alleviate their private burden of grief. I don't know what to do and there is no way I can bring you back.
So you'll be incubated in heaven, grow up in heaven and never know misery or suffering. You'll grow up untainted, beautiful and glorious. While we take great comfort in that, we can't help but mourn still. It's inexplicable. You were the fruit and hope of your parents' joy, a testament to their love and now we have to bid you goodbye before saying 'welcome to the family'.
when you learn how to say your first words, read your first letter, remember this one and hug Jesus for us. Greet the hosts of angels who watch over us here below. We trust you are well but we cannot help but ache for the opportunity to have you with us.
Words fail me as I try to think of what to say to you, in the vain hope you'll know, hear or even understand. They say you were just a foetus, a fusion of cells but to us you are so much more. You are Jeremiah and your parents even nicknamed you peanut. You are a person with a destiny with a character, with so much. We were going to pour our love out on you and smother you with affection.
Now, I am at a loss. And so are your parents.
there are so many unanswered questions but i know its not fair to load them on you. i just wish it was plainer, clearer and that there'll be closure. i don't think they'll ever forget you and truly move on. even as they heal, there'll be a scar to remind them of you. Maybe that's how the Lord Jesus is constantly reminded of us-the scars on His hands and feet.
i think about your parents before i sleep and i cannot but cry for them. do you know how much they love you? please ask Jesus to heal them and let them hope again. please ask Jesus to pour down His comfort and grieve with them. we'll wait in anticipation for your future sibilings to arrive even as we struggle to fly again with our broken wings.
till then and till we see you again, remember that down here, on this place we call earth, there are people who love you, very much.
We didn't even get to see your face except through sonograms and ultrascans. Your parents are bitterly grieved right now even as they seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. Now we must all concede that you'll grow up in heaven and that we'll only see you again when we finish our earthly course.
I wish we had a chance to know each other. I was telling your mommy the other day on what to get you and making plans to go shopping in anticipation for your arrival. Now with you gone, all our hopes are dashed. You were even going to be the spokesperson for my new botty balm. I guess babies in heaven don't use botty balms.
I am sad but nothing compares to the grief your parents feel. Nothing that is sad can alleviate their private burden of grief. I don't know what to do and there is no way I can bring you back.
So you'll be incubated in heaven, grow up in heaven and never know misery or suffering. You'll grow up untainted, beautiful and glorious. While we take great comfort in that, we can't help but mourn still. It's inexplicable. You were the fruit and hope of your parents' joy, a testament to their love and now we have to bid you goodbye before saying 'welcome to the family'.
when you learn how to say your first words, read your first letter, remember this one and hug Jesus for us. Greet the hosts of angels who watch over us here below. We trust you are well but we cannot help but ache for the opportunity to have you with us.
Words fail me as I try to think of what to say to you, in the vain hope you'll know, hear or even understand. They say you were just a foetus, a fusion of cells but to us you are so much more. You are Jeremiah and your parents even nicknamed you peanut. You are a person with a destiny with a character, with so much. We were going to pour our love out on you and smother you with affection.
Now, I am at a loss. And so are your parents.
there are so many unanswered questions but i know its not fair to load them on you. i just wish it was plainer, clearer and that there'll be closure. i don't think they'll ever forget you and truly move on. even as they heal, there'll be a scar to remind them of you. Maybe that's how the Lord Jesus is constantly reminded of us-the scars on His hands and feet.
i think about your parents before i sleep and i cannot but cry for them. do you know how much they love you? please ask Jesus to heal them and let them hope again. please ask Jesus to pour down His comfort and grieve with them. we'll wait in anticipation for your future sibilings to arrive even as we struggle to fly again with our broken wings.
till then and till we see you again, remember that down here, on this place we call earth, there are people who love you, very much.
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