people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.
i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.
but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.
its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.
just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.
i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.
i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
button you must wander wander wander
i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.
i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.
big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.
my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.
since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.
ok, impractical. toss thought.
**
looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.
ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.
i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?
i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.
also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.
i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.
as if she cared.
but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.
so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!
**
i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.
never mind.
**
feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.
if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?
if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.
more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.
where are You taking me?
i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.
big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.
my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.
since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.
ok, impractical. toss thought.
**
looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.
ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.
i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?
i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.
also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.
i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.
as if she cared.
but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.
so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!
**
i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.
never mind.
**
feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.
if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?
if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.
more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.
where are You taking me?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
in transit
while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days
HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.
after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.
after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.
i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.
i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.
i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.
most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.
but i'm ready to disembark and transit.
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days
HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.
after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.
after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.
i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.
i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.
i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.
most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.
but i'm ready to disembark and transit.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Theme on my heart for this week.
we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.
It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.
I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?
"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.
not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..
He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.
"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.
It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.
I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?
"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.
not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..
He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.
"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.
so who do we look to now
Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.
He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..
I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.
I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.
I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.
In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.
that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.
I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.
He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..
I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.
I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.
I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.
In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.
that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.
I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.
Monday, October 06, 2008
HKG-DAY 1
i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.
random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah
my passport had a my melody cover.
then..
i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.
then at the apartment..
i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.
on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.
back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.
i was zombiefied.
random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah
my passport had a my melody cover.
then..
i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.
then at the apartment..
i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.
on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.
back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
updates from the latest leg of the race.
Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.
Let me explain:
Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.
Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.
These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.
It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.
I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.
I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.
I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.
I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.
I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.
Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.
So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).
Following His cloud until it rains.
Let me explain:
Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.
Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.
These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.
It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.
I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.
I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.
I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.
I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.
I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.
Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.
So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).
Following His cloud until it rains.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
moving right along!
i'm so excited. i've finally learnt to move on despite any doubt/personal inhibition/rising opposition.
there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.
for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.
something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.
wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.
yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.
as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.
so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.
to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.
there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.
for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.
something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.
wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.
yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.
as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.
so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.
to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
fatigued.
i haven't been the same.
first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.
and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.
then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.
wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.
i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.
in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.
my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)
wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.
i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.
i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.
mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!
first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.
and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.
then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.
wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.
i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.
in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.
my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)
wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.
i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.
i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.
mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
announcement
back. and i 'd love to talk more about the trip and give everyone updates. except that my brain is still stuck in sleep mode.
and i'm reallytired.
and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.
and i'm reallytired.
and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
i don't know if i should be a fellow oyster.
me: remember not to accessorize /wear make up when we meet the Amish people.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
life without me!
so mei ling left tonight.
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.
i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.
what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?
melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.
its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.
it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.
i feel like doing that now. but i can't.
australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.
which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.
**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''
i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?
i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"
and all i could do was nod like an idiot.
apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....
this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.
i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.
what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?
melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.
its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.
it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.
i feel like doing that now. but i can't.
australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.
which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.
**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''
i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?
i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"
and all i could do was nod like an idiot.
apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....
this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'
Sunday, August 24, 2008
there will be no eternal sunshine if your mind is spotless
it's rainy, cold and isaac is somewhere in taiwan so i'm wistful.
the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.
as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.
i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.
not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.
so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.
thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.
people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.
there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.
i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.
the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.
as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.
i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.
not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.
so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.
thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.
people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.
there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.
i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.
poser
i just realized that my church (and even on a tinier level, caregroup) has a lot of people from/going to cambridge.
i'm surrounded by so many smart ppl lah!
so i devised with a fellow non cambridger, a 'ruse'. next time when someone asks where i'm from, if i say 'kent ridge' under my breath really quickly and mumble, it can almost be mistaken for cambridge.
so proud of myself that i almost sniggered. only to meet with the 'err, xinyinggggg' glare. you know those glares you all randomly shoot me. somehow all my friends have that glare.
i may not be from cambridge. but i'm also smart!
N*S, don't be sad. it's not that i'm ashamed of you. i'm also glad to be part of your alumni. somewhat.
i'm surrounded by so many smart ppl lah!
so i devised with a fellow non cambridger, a 'ruse'. next time when someone asks where i'm from, if i say 'kent ridge' under my breath really quickly and mumble, it can almost be mistaken for cambridge.
so proud of myself that i almost sniggered. only to meet with the 'err, xinyinggggg' glare. you know those glares you all randomly shoot me. somehow all my friends have that glare.
i may not be from cambridge. but i'm also smart!
N*S, don't be sad. it's not that i'm ashamed of you. i'm also glad to be part of your alumni. somewhat.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
epiphany
i've been an insommiac for nearly 3 nights already. and it's a real pain. life has been threatening to burn me out and i really don't know how to cope. i keep thinking that as long as i soldier on and grit my teeth to december,it'll be ok. but i just don't have the stamina and grace for it.
once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.
this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.
that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.
between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.
next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.
i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.
with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.
but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.
so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.
He is so good, so loving, so real.
once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.
this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.
that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.
between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.
next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.
i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.
with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.
but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.
so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.
He is so good, so loving, so real.
Friday, August 22, 2008
forlorn
following the previous post..
it's really quite unfair that i get to travel to all these places when isaac doesn't. tomorrow, he gets to go to taiwan for a short holiday and i hope he has a lot of fun, albeit without me.
knowing me, i would be a sobbing mess. so, if you want to , please donate a kleenex. i just don't cope so well when we're apart.
i appreciate and am grateful that i have trotted around to many places in the world where many others have not been and to some other places, on a more regular basis. i cherish the opportunity to learn, take in sights and be exposed to different cultures (and food)etc.
years ago, beneath a starry sky in melbourne, i thought to myself that all these meansnothing if i don't have anyone to share it with, to take in all these with. these sights and wonders, need to be shared. i can't do much except capture photos. for me especially, it's terribly hard to be apart. i'm usually a sobbing mess before heading into departure lounge and the grief only slightly alleviates when i am distracted by duty free shopping.
we could be going on holidays together. doing all these together (especially after we started working and had more financial freedom then poor student days). but 2 decisions we made didn't allow us to.
1) we will not stay in the same room until we're married. as we never got around to finding out couple friends who would holiday with us, and our single friends didn't feel too comfortable...no holiday.
2) we decided to get married. 2-3 years into working. so it meant every dispensable cent went into wedding/house fund.
i'm glad we will soon be able to share a room. and even if it means we can't go to many exotic places, it'll still be ok. more than ok. i'll still be so happy and blessed. as long as we're together.
i miss him so much already.
it's really quite unfair that i get to travel to all these places when isaac doesn't. tomorrow, he gets to go to taiwan for a short holiday and i hope he has a lot of fun, albeit without me.
knowing me, i would be a sobbing mess. so, if you want to , please donate a kleenex. i just don't cope so well when we're apart.
i appreciate and am grateful that i have trotted around to many places in the world where many others have not been and to some other places, on a more regular basis. i cherish the opportunity to learn, take in sights and be exposed to different cultures (and food)etc.
years ago, beneath a starry sky in melbourne, i thought to myself that all these meansnothing if i don't have anyone to share it with, to take in all these with. these sights and wonders, need to be shared. i can't do much except capture photos. for me especially, it's terribly hard to be apart. i'm usually a sobbing mess before heading into departure lounge and the grief only slightly alleviates when i am distracted by duty free shopping.
we could be going on holidays together. doing all these together (especially after we started working and had more financial freedom then poor student days). but 2 decisions we made didn't allow us to.
1) we will not stay in the same room until we're married. as we never got around to finding out couple friends who would holiday with us, and our single friends didn't feel too comfortable...no holiday.
2) we decided to get married. 2-3 years into working. so it meant every dispensable cent went into wedding/house fund.
i'm glad we will soon be able to share a room. and even if it means we can't go to many exotic places, it'll still be ok. more than ok. i'll still be so happy and blessed. as long as we're together.
i miss him so much already.
Frivolous
Paris
attractions:check out moulin rouge, champ elysee (which can't pronounce), eiffel tower
food: i think i'm going to starve. hate french food. hate bread.
shopping: fashion capital is not going on discount anytime soon. so out.
Cologne:
attractions: some chocolate factory. others say nil
food: i think i'm going to starve too. hate sausages.
shopping: land of birkenstocks
Amsterdam:
attractions: err
food: err
shopping: ??
Stockholm:
attractions: h&m
food: meatballs . i think i'll recover mildly from starvation
shopping: h&m. i can't buy a bed back from ikea.
attractions:check out moulin rouge, champ elysee (which can't pronounce), eiffel tower
food: i think i'm going to starve. hate french food. hate bread.
shopping: fashion capital is not going on discount anytime soon. so out.
Cologne:
attractions: some chocolate factory. others say nil
food: i think i'm going to starve too. hate sausages.
shopping: land of birkenstocks
Amsterdam:
attractions: err
food: err
shopping: ??
Stockholm:
attractions: h&m
food: meatballs . i think i'll recover mildly from starvation
shopping: h&m. i can't buy a bed back from ikea.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
updates.
the part 2 of the brother saga was:
on the same day, later in the evening, my brother took the initiative to call the guy in trouble up. and he took the initiative to extend forgiveness. there's a lot that can't be revealed here but his little gesture saved the poor tormented soul from a lot of err..torment.
the next day, he even went to intercede with the principal for the guy in trouble and saved him from expulsion. through this, he also took the chance to share the gospel with the guy in trouble and introduce him to Jesus who can walk him through all these.
so i'm very proud of my 14 year old brother and will excuse his other brattiness for the week.
**
me: i feel fat
him: then there's just more of you to love lor.
**
me: i feel fat
sx: you're not fat lah, you're just flabby.
on the same day, later in the evening, my brother took the initiative to call the guy in trouble up. and he took the initiative to extend forgiveness. there's a lot that can't be revealed here but his little gesture saved the poor tormented soul from a lot of err..torment.
the next day, he even went to intercede with the principal for the guy in trouble and saved him from expulsion. through this, he also took the chance to share the gospel with the guy in trouble and introduce him to Jesus who can walk him through all these.
so i'm very proud of my 14 year old brother and will excuse his other brattiness for the week.
**
me: i feel fat
him: then there's just more of you to love lor.
**
me: i feel fat
sx: you're not fat lah, you're just flabby.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
enroute clementi-aljunied, aljunied-clementi
The violin
An instrument of melancholy
Producing tunes so heavy
They drown me
Im drunk in its lullabies
Unable to rouse from slumber
Resonating with my soul's cries
The violin continues
To wail pain that otherwise cant be expressed
**
so lets be curious about the future
and see where blessings lay hidden
just turn your back on them all
and surf the waves again
never mind 'if the sun should refuse to rise'
or 'the moon doesn't hang in the night'
the tides WILL change
seasons do rearrange
98 degrees has come and gone
come on
move on.
An instrument of melancholy
Producing tunes so heavy
They drown me
Im drunk in its lullabies
Unable to rouse from slumber
Resonating with my soul's cries
The violin continues
To wail pain that otherwise cant be expressed
**
Why is it
that after so many battles fought
between your fierce will and the meekness of your soul
It still hurts
And the exchanges are still so curt
Why is it
that after so many years
There’s still a gaping wound
Overflowing with unfound fears
Why is it
That it turned out the way it did
The end was so tragic
When the start was most romantic
Why is it
that after so much
You won’t let go
Of your emotional crutch
And you don’t move on
After he’s long gone
Are you not tired?
of this repeatitive rhapsody
It’s unfeeling cruelty and sordid mess
there’s nothing there for a princess
the harsh lash of words
run like a broken record
The cutting words haunt you down
Like a drawn sword
It’ll never return
the past will never disarm itself.
it has sworn enmity against you
to steal your future
the hurt can’t be undone
but the healing can begin
There are answers
Too many of them
To each 'why' you asked
Job asked why 181 times
God didn’t answer him once
He just made his end sweeter
And restored double
Let’s stop figuring why
And settle for ‘it’s not meant to be’
there's no treasure in the pastso lets be curious about the future
and see where blessings lay hidden
just turn your back on them all
and surf the waves again
never mind 'if the sun should refuse to rise'
or 'the moon doesn't hang in the night'
the tides WILL change
seasons do rearrange
98 degrees has come and gone
come on
move on.
Flashes
A friend once remarked that i was 'extremely unromantic'. We saw a gorgeous necklace costing 50k and i remarked that i'd rather buy a car than buy that. (back then i wasn't wedding planning crazily. now the money wld go to the house. forget car)
Contrary to popular belief by those who know me shallowly, i really dun care for these things. Perhaps its in this area im misunderstood, among many others.
Eg: One ex suitor once sent me a message, ' if i bought you ---- ,u'd probably go out for dinner with me, if i gave u ____ u'd probably date me. But if i gave u my heart, u'd just think im cheap.'
(you know me best when u can rightly guess what i'll do with money.)
I also wanto be known for who i really am. And to be loved as imperfect as i am and not only be accepted when im perfected. Its terribly lonely without such 'soulmates' .And ive lost friends who can read me like a book and know me for what i truly am and anticipate my responses in every situation. Ive mourned the loss and theres yet to be restoration.
i cant say its ok or that i dont ache when i remember. Coz every friend is a irreplaceable gem to me.
**
today at approx 4pm, i thought i heard a voice that said 'go home'. I ignored it as it made no sense and i was happy today i had more 'free time" in the office to work on admin matters instead of being tied down by meetings.
Then i found out that while i was crunching orders for baby carriers, my brother was lying in Nuh as he was beaten up by a fellow classmate. This is not the first time the classmate has displayed unprovoked aggressiveness and this might be the final straw that may lend him in serious trouble with the law or have severe consequences in his future.
Noting that, my brother told his teacher that he has already forgiven his assailant and does not want to pursue this further. Im not sure if this is the wisest course of action as it might jeopardize others' safety. But what struck me is that the little brother i thought no more than bratty and spoilt could in his reduced state be putting others before himself, displaying compassion that i know can only come from His redeemed nature.
The brother shd be ok now but i pray that somehow god presides over this matter and not let my brother's blows go to waste. That somehow, this boy gets a taste of forgiveness and Jesus. That good will come out from this matter.
I hurt and ache for my little brother and my first natural action is to beat him up and a 1000 punitive measures conjred in my head as i rushed out of the office.
But deep down i think i know that He has a better plan hereafter and even this situation can be a platform for his glory to take off.
Contrary to popular belief by those who know me shallowly, i really dun care for these things. Perhaps its in this area im misunderstood, among many others.
Eg: One ex suitor once sent me a message, ' if i bought you ---- ,u'd probably go out for dinner with me, if i gave u ____ u'd probably date me. But if i gave u my heart, u'd just think im cheap.'
(you know me best when u can rightly guess what i'll do with money.)
I also wanto be known for who i really am. And to be loved as imperfect as i am and not only be accepted when im perfected. Its terribly lonely without such 'soulmates' .And ive lost friends who can read me like a book and know me for what i truly am and anticipate my responses in every situation. Ive mourned the loss and theres yet to be restoration.
i cant say its ok or that i dont ache when i remember. Coz every friend is a irreplaceable gem to me.
**
today at approx 4pm, i thought i heard a voice that said 'go home'. I ignored it as it made no sense and i was happy today i had more 'free time" in the office to work on admin matters instead of being tied down by meetings.
Then i found out that while i was crunching orders for baby carriers, my brother was lying in Nuh as he was beaten up by a fellow classmate. This is not the first time the classmate has displayed unprovoked aggressiveness and this might be the final straw that may lend him in serious trouble with the law or have severe consequences in his future.
Noting that, my brother told his teacher that he has already forgiven his assailant and does not want to pursue this further. Im not sure if this is the wisest course of action as it might jeopardize others' safety. But what struck me is that the little brother i thought no more than bratty and spoilt could in his reduced state be putting others before himself, displaying compassion that i know can only come from His redeemed nature.
The brother shd be ok now but i pray that somehow god presides over this matter and not let my brother's blows go to waste. That somehow, this boy gets a taste of forgiveness and Jesus. That good will come out from this matter.
I hurt and ache for my little brother and my first natural action is to beat him up and a 1000 punitive measures conjred in my head as i rushed out of the office.
But deep down i think i know that He has a better plan hereafter and even this situation can be a platform for his glory to take off.
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