a hesitatant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth

having trouble switching off my mind regarding work and it's making me admitting that i'm not as dynamic as i'd like to think i am.

my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.

i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.

where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.

the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.

these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.

**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.

there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.

isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.

i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.

i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.

difficult

i'm dusting cares of the fragments of my heart so that i can give it to You again.

i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.

the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.

thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.

i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through

but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing

Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing

Mercy me-gotta keep singing

impulses

2 cds- mercy me and steven curtis chapman.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue

my stress indicators.

homesick

i close my eyes and i see your face

if home is where the heart is then i'm out of place

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

i've never been more homesick than now

mercy me

where do i begin?

plans changing in a split second. moods changing just as fast. confusion. fog. fatigue. joy. satisfaction. fulfilment. frustration. helplessness. hope. gratitude. dread.

that pretty much sums up my week.

in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.

this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.

i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.

call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.

i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.

tell me how?

flying daggers

There has been such a growing list of people to forgive of late.

Vindication can be one of the hungriest, most destructive ppetites we possess. Vindication is rooted in demanding our rights and justice for the wrongs done to us. But God says, " Vengeance is Mine". Itis His right, and it will cost us dearly to try helping Him out. When we do, God backs away from the sitution and lets us handle things in our own fleshly, accusatory ways. Unknowingly, we are actually coming into agreement with satan and hindering ourselves from experiencing the intimacy of Father's embrace. When we decide we had better do something to help God straighten others out, we are definitely in need of God helping us.

-Jack Frost- Experiencing Father's Embrace.

" To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil fr evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; f you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."

1 Peter 3: 8-9

I'll let what's yours remain yours. Sorry for trying to defend me, who is your charge too. While you're out fixing these crooked hearts , please remove the daggers from my back and keep me from attacking them from the front with spears.

there we go, mutual effort.

You promised a blessing when I choose to respond with forgiveness and grace. You know what this will cost me. Help me remember what I cost you- Your son on a cross. I really don't understand your Fatherhood enough. I really don't believe 100% that You'll be my shield and I have to guard my own interests. Remove all that obstructs the truth once again.

I value nothing more, not even my own vested interests than this relationship. I want to live it as it was meant to be and not try to be You. Even if your appointed time for vindication is not the same as mine. Give me the grace to respond right.

I'll still let you continue to run the show. Afterall, every David had a Saul. Every Joseph a 'band of brothers'.

Switchfoot - Gone

loved the song. but i love the homemade video by these rookies even more.

so cute.but don't miss the message behind the song though

wardrobe is not bursting..

i was complaining to myself (and isaac) that i have no clothes to wear. esp tops. and its so hard to buy clothes now coz everything decent is so expensive and designers don't seem to realize the very real phenomenon of global warming and keeps featuring THICK heavy clothes in their collections.

so then tadah

i found a shop to acquire tops and went crazy there. bought like 6. then mum, not knowing i just did went ahead to buy like 5 more for me.

so now i won't be complaining that i have no tops to wear.

just bottoms maybe. or bags. or dresses. or shoes.

1 girl rebellion

communicating in silence
we speak volumes

Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)

rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.

i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.

Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.

maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.

i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.

i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.

and this is just one example out of countless others.

while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.

and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.

until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.

i cannot do without You.

Wilber Pan - 路太弯 Lu Tai Wan

5 stars for the voice. feels like tiramisu

if you like rojak, you'll like this post

invitation for home cooked meal that will not make you fat

when you come home after a tiring day at work, a warm hot meal really works wonders to your soul. at my house, you can expect the entire opposite. hence, grumpy me. if you don't want to overeat for dinner, let me know. i'll invite you over to dinner and taste my mum's cooking. all of you have heard it often, don't take my word for it.

try it for yourself.

**
volunteers to watch movie wanted
really want to watch Lust caution. esp so when its lee hom's first flick and i heard and read so much abt how amazing tony leung was. really showcased the best of his acting. i remember the soulfulness and depth in infernal affairs, 2046, heroes etc. and those really piqued my interest for Lust caution.

also, the romance and intrigue of an espionage film that was originally a novel is like a sure formula to arouse my interest. especially when it is trying to communicate an underlying message and is history personified.

**
plea for technology to slow down

i really struggled at the following junctures in life
-when the internet came about and became a regular feature in regular lives
-when 'alamak chat' was introduced and everyone in class was meeting there after school
-when everyone moved to IRC after i finally learnt how to use various commands to 'emote' in 'alamak chat'
-when everyone moved to ICQ when i finally even downloaded IRC
-when everyone moved to MSN and i had only a handful of friends on ICQ (i'll be forever thankful they stayed on. i was later told they only kept icq for me. because it was the only way to contact me)
-when everyone raved about friendster (i caught on when the fever died down. before that, i was pretending to be too cool for it)
-and now that friendster is well on track..YOU ALL ARE DOING THE FACEBOOK THING! (why?!!?) i managed to evade multiply but there was no hiding from facebook. it is a phenomenon. and even so, it was cali who set up the whole thing for me. to this date, i still struggle to throw a sheep. BAH!
-when i started this blog. ok cali set it up for me also. all i had to do was type and click 'publish post'
-when you all moved ahead and entered the realm of MP3. to this date, isaac rips cds and transfers music for me.

please slow down. for my sake. i'll stand up to facebook but no more after that ok?

change is not the only thing that's constant

i still hate butterflies
i still hate insects
i'm still not a morning person
i still have a very low threshold for pain (physical or otherwise)
i'm still a stubborn unicorn
i still talk a lot. (some pple dispute that, they say i talk even more)
i still laugh like an ah beng
i still like hello kitty
i still speak my mind all the time. its called thinking aloud
i still trip over imaginary pop up tiles.
i still am allergic to technology
same what?!

letting

let your cross define my life
let your will be the centre of mine
let my soul love and thrive
let my heart be your shrine

let our desires be in sync
let your promises be all i cling
let my no be no, yes be yes
let me surrender all my cares

let your spirit have its way
let me give all the say
let my words be very few
uttered only to glorify you

let your rest in me reside
let me in your love abide
let my all rest on your altar
let your wings be my shelter

DON'T let me go.

Memories

ok these things seriously make me cry and dry up. a song written by a man deeply in love with his wife of over 2 decades. and i had the honor of hearing it live.

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life was a mystery
there's no place on earth we'd rather be

moving up, goin through some changes
storing up the memories
then you gave me the light of my life
i always gave the best that i could give

sometimes it never seemed like enough
but we never quit when the going got tough

do you remember the way it used to be
never counting the cost it was a matter of trust
covenant cut were lovers for life
i still bear the scars do you still carry the knife (haha)

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life's still a mystery
there's no place on earth that we'd rather be

this is my life and i'm passing on my memories

**
attended a beautiful wedding today and i just cried and cried. by now i'm sure all are convinced God has a private cellar of tears in heaven reserved solely for me.

just as it is often widely preached that love is a decision, i think to withdraw the love is also a decision. and both aren't easy.

i think it is a miracle of heaven today that i witnessed when a man and woman become one in heaven's eyes. sometimes when i see myself walking down the never-ending aisle , resplendent in a glory that cannot be earthly and i see Jesus at the end of the line waiting. this image has replayed itself a thousand times in my mind but i'm always walking down the aisle.

i know He is waiting in anticipation but i need so much grace just to finish the course and finish it well. i'll run the race not only for the prize. wait for me.i'll get there.

**

the mending and uncle david

blade of lies
cuts like knives
tears the flesh
merciless lash

forget the fallen things
let Him mend your broken wings
find grace at His throne
for that is your Home
find strength to release
in forgiving, find peace

there is a gift
your father has lovingly prepared
precious, genuine and rare
a prince with a heart after His
to share life with you and eternal bliss

his heart you will inhabit
there'll be a heavenly deposit
of His love for you in him
to love you right
his heavenly bride

He'll turn your ashes to beauty
you'll be free
from this hurt and pain
in earthly losses you'll find heavenly gain

i've been there,
so don't despair
He never fails, even when they do
His heart is still full of you

so rejoice as He bottles your tears
soon your mourning will turn to joy
His love will sublime your fears
then get ready
to meet that boy

for my friend who broke her heart today. don't bother picking up the shattered bits. get a new heart.

**

on a lighter note,

mum: wah, that david's son writes very well.
me: which david?who's david's son?
mum: solomon lor!

yes, my mum talks like we know him very well. oh, and solomon too. we're this close to calling him sol for short.

i-post:setting the record

i really want our lives to be a stirring testament that will inspire others to follow Jesus. I know on my own, with tantrums and shortcomings, i might cause others to backslide bearing the name of Jesus. but i pray they see beyond me and His hand upon our lives and be drawn to His goodness and boundless love for them.

i don't want to regret anything. at least, not anymore.

i don't want to waste a single breath of my life and live life merely existing. it's too much of a price that Jesus paid and i can't bring myself to back down.

i know i can't stop the detractors from pouring cold water. so i'm trying to rehabilitate/cocoon my faith and keep it safe. incubate it and grow it in this world that's not my home.

wishlist

wishlist:

to be able to take a few months of work with a huge enough budget to travel around with isaac before kids appear. after i get married of course.
and i don't want to stay in anything budget. especially for certain places, minimum is 4 stars.

places include
-shanghai (again)
-hongkong(again)
-israel (i've been waiting for so long for this one)
-US (north carolina, New York and go visit niagara falls, grand canyon etc)
-canada (to ski!)
-Korea (again)
-japan(again but i want to include hokkaido this time)
-malacca (don't ask why.maybe because i sorta descended from there and i'm sucker for anything rich in history)
-NZ (not auckland because i'm already gg there for work.maybe like wellington to see geysers and take in nature)
-adelaide (because melb, syd and brisbane has been a regular feature in my passport)
-norway (aurora lights)
-italy (venice and i'll even drink coffee when i'm there!)
-france ( actually i'm not that keen on this one)

ok actually now a quiet afternoon to watch my detective dramas will do.and that said, i know the moment i start packing, i'll be too tired to go anywhere.

growing apart

sometimes growing up is synonymous with growing apart.

was thinking about that today and i just can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. because now work takes up so much of our time. because now we spend our precious weekends sleeping instead.

and its sad we're catching up at such a tragic frequency and we have to rely on email/sms/msn. its really hard to create soulmates at this age. when you miss your window of opportunity to find soulmates in your teens,you pretty much missed it altogether. and now, the struggle is to maintain them and continue growing together.

you used to finish my sentences
read me like a book
know what i'll order at the cafe
think i hate coffee
think all i drink is pokka green tea

now the cafe is gone
and the old me buried.
now
we have trouble recognizing each other on the streets
and i feel like a stranger to you
you don't know what i've become
and i don't know what you've turned into

there is an awkwardness when we agree to meet
we set no date
yet we continue to pass each other by
on the same street

i don't know how to begin updating you on the years in between
the struggles and how i was forced to grow up.
i don't know if i can bear to hear your story
knowing it was without me

it took a moment to be friends
it took years to be strangers
fermenting through the years
and now we're vintage

we couldn't imagine life without each other
now i don't even know your number
we know we were wrong
we strain to reach the high notes
but we always finish the song

you'll get married without me there
i won't be your kid's godmother
we will never catch 'friends' and soccer together
i hope you remember me in your prayers (i do)
there'll be so much we will never share
again

i thought of you on the way home today
and i felt a stab of pain
knowing we'll separately grey
knowing it's impossible
to be who we were again

perfect sense

i just came back from what i affectionately termed as the international HQ of houseflies yesterday and i am still very tired. like sleep until cannot wake up to eat kinda tired.

(i make perfect sense)

i really like being home. travellings very tiring-its like living 2 days in 1. even though i get more sleep than usual it doesn't seem like it. or maybe because its mooncake festival...that's why i'mso tired.

(i make perfect sense)

the next week ahead is going to be very busy as i only have effectively two work days. will be on course on 3 days and that means i have to cram one week's work in 2 days. i'm never signing up for courses again. forget upgrading.

(i make perfect sense)

i'm fantasizing about a time in the future (hopefully not too far away when i take leave)
-wake up in time for lunch
-lunch
-watch coldcase on tv or any either detective show since cold case is dvdless (there's a story behind this)
-spend time with God (actually this shd come first before anything else before my brain is fried by drama)
-dinner
-sleep

( i make perfect sense)

all in all

a few of you have been with me through this very bad weekend. possibly one of the worst ever with the confusion and heartache. Thank you. but it had a better end than the start.

i am probably slower to break good news than bad news but God intervened today. actually the intervention started as soon as the occurence but i was too blind to see. today, it was spectacular because a stranger decreed it from the pulpit and reduced any attempt at a strong front to tears as molten love washed over and forgiveness was exchanged.isn't our God wonderful?Thanks for prayers and love.

Not that things are totally resolved and everything is back on track but there is just a lot of healing and peace through it all. and i'm not even surprised because yesterday, i just had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding and even I was surprised. not that it didn't hurt. but the knowing that it's all going to work out for His good and that He is in charge was stronger. and the strength it gave helped me to course through the choppy waters of life.

when God meets me like this, i'm blown away. it feels like my spirit took on wings and ascended so far beyond nothing on this earth can hold me down. the lightness in my spirit elevates what was weighing on my heart. how not to be sold out for a loving God like that?

life is somewhat like a ladder with only ropes for rungs. it's so hard to maintain your balance when you don't even know if the ladder is steady. all it takes is a huge gust of wind or some turbulence to throw us off as we try to ascend.

thankfully, I have Jesus to show me how to walk the ladder. He did it standing straight up and he did it on his knees. all i have to do is emulate even when my flesh is wrestling against it. And in the garden of gesthmane when his mind was begging him to take the path of least resistance, Jesus showed me that balance comes truly from what i'd refer to as 'guts' and not from my head. and then theres the strength that propels me to defy gravity and beyond because He held the ladder.

thank you for holding the ladder for me. give me the guts to keep climbing the challenging ladder you have placed infront of me. and help me remember that no matter how many times i flip and fall over or fall, all of my life is by your design.


be back on the 22nd.