life is good.

i've got such wonderful people in my life! thank you Jesus.

been sick and been abstaining from yummy things like pineapple tarts which are my absolute weakness because i just don't wanto get worse.

and it din really help that i was appetiteless. so i was home alone on cny eve w/o food(that i can eat) and my dearest friend, mei ling offered to drive me out for lunch (at 3 pm!)even though she din have the car! (we don't know how of coz)anyhows anyways, its the thought that counts! most touched especiallywhen we know it'll be a tiring hunt for food when almost everything is closed for business.

and den she had to put up with my tantrums demanding for cake. i was even unreasonable enough (its the fever i tell you) to suggest that we go to mustafa, which will be open to buy cake mix to bake cake. BECAUSE I MUST HAVE CAKE.

den i was complaining to shuxin abt how i wun get to eat the wonderful pineapple tarts sitting in the kitchen coz im sick and when ive recovered, they would have been devoured ...
and today she msged me to tell me shez baking some for me so that i will get to eat pineapple tarts this season! it was such a sweeeet gesture although it brought back memories of the brownies she baked which smelt good but were tasteless. (usually i call things like that dog food but hush)

she confirmed my point when i told her i was so touched by saying .." wait till you taste them"

in any case, i feel most loved lah and thats all i need to get well anyway!(and some good pineapple tarts)

i've got most wonderful friends lah.

then isaac, the reigning best sweetest bf in the world was also very sweet and sweet because hez oso sick but he still eat pineapple tarts for me on my behalf. (im good at consoling myself) den he listen to me talk in my most croaky voice and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

life is good.

don't cry

I believe when they put her in the ground
I think they buried part of me
Because I've been searching, I've been looking all around
But I cannot find the heart of me, the heart of me

So I'll put my fingers in this soil upon her grave
And I will plant for her a garden
And every flower, a reminder of her face
Will grow up graceful as a pardon

And all that grows is her story told
As life unfolds here before us
The peace I've found in this broken ground
I can see her in the harvest...of all that I have sown

Long before I was covered up in gray
Before the old had bent my bones
We grew our children in the red Georgia clay
They were our garden and our home

And all that grows is our story told
As life unfolds here before
The peace we found in that broken ground
I can see them in the harvest...of all that I have sown

And when my life is done
I pray the kingdom come
And take me to Glory
It's living inside me
It was planted like a seed
All to tell a story

I believe when they put me in the ground
There will remain a part of me
Because I've been seraching and the joy that I have found
Is living in my family...it's all that I have sown

-bebo norman-

the cake monster is hungry

now i'll make you hungry

the dark side

i'm feeling so miserable i honestly just wanto be a brat. (and i'm not too far from it)

i've been in a semi comatose state since i started medication and it has honestly done me no apparent good because 1) i still have a fever 2) i still have alot of phlegm.

i'm exasperated and frustrated and this illness happens to coincide with cny. the ONE festival i'm actually really involved in but not excited about. there i see the relatives from that ONE side of the family that i hv no desire to see at all. infact, i think once a year is way too much to meet up. and my so called family is obviously oblivious to my flu. maybe the only way to get them to notice is to cough some phlegm out on them. decorate them with my phlegm. (bright sunny yellow)

ok the evil me is raging and shez back.

this festival, this time, this season, this family is not allowing me the rest that ME as a sick person should be entitled to. not allowing me the care and extra dosage of love that i shd be given. wait a minute...what love?

obviously im feeling a bit bitter and angry. and obviously i'm lying through me teeth when i say i'm just ABIT BITTER AND ANGRY. i leave it all up to you guys to interpret and read me. it darzen help the least bit that isaac quek is completely uncontactable.

excuse me now, i have to go sneeze and cough on someone.

almost

i was talking to shuxin on msn and i nearly jumped off my chair when she started sharing abt her dad's business and all. for a moment or two, i was truly envious. there i was erupting with business ideas but w/o the means to execute a single one but she could so easily.

but its ok. i am so happy for my grown up friend because we used to be such ding dongs together back in mgs. and really all we cared for was our shopping allowance. now that we have moved on to other people's shopping budget and allowance, i can safely say that yes, we've grown quite a bit.

someone help me to rest. i sit in bed nursing my flu and i just explode in my head with ideas and ideas n more ideas. and a deep sense of helplessness coupled with a few shots of excitement. i'm so excited abt the idea of executing it yet i feel so helpless coz i need the expertise and the CAPITAL.

offers have trickled (not poured) in to fund my ideas but wisdom arrests me and gently suggests that i should probably do alot more homework and learn first, from the veterans and i guess that makes my job the perfect place to be in. coz i meet retailers from start ups to renowned ones on a daily basis.

at this point i really need to relax and rest a lot more and concentrate on getting well but its tough when i'm so activity-oriented. God help me. i dream so big and while many say its a good thing, i wonder (still) if any of it will materialise. because the fear of disappointment still lingers. because i see my own disability and i wonder. if its ever achievable. so while both feet are firmly planted on the ground and my head inthe clouds, i need some help in flapping my wings to fly.

i can sniff heaven already. still jogging in circles and picking up momentum but not quite there yet.

silly me, someone remind me its never about me and yes its all achievable. by Him and His divine empowerment. thats what i like about grace. not just being undeserved but a divine empowerment to execute so so much.

all for the glory of Jesus.

sick lamb updates

sick lamb updates

oh no. life might be going in another direction that i'm not too prepared for. what i'm currently doing darzen seem to be reaping much results. although i've garnered quite a massive impressive contact base. but thats abt it (or at least seem so to the naked eye)

at this point, i'm no longer as averse to change than say a few months ago whereby i just wished for nothing but constancy. so far all the changes that have been brought about only brought good and benefits. so never mind the initial jitters, God will see me through till i reach my promised land.

for now i pretty much still feel that i'm still in the wilderness. progressing steadily but not quite there. i know i have to be somewhere but progress seems to be quite slow. i don't even know where i am on the road map so theres no way to gauge how far more i hv to go.

but its ok. He knows.

that aside, the only reason i'm blogging is because i'm down with a fever that wun go downand on mc. sure if eel weak and all, but somehow i'm happy or joyful rather. life is like that. i marvel at how God makes me laugh even when im in the pits without me losing the screws in my head. its magical i say...and i'm loving every moment. yes, even in the pits. i'm no longer the anxious fretful girl. if there was anything i really lacked in life, it was patience. and with renewed patience, somehow now i have the grace to wait even though in the natural, it just seems so deplete and incomplete.

i have Jesus and i truly have it all. i like to say this especially when i have nothing. because it seems even more ridiculous to the human mind and it defies logic and reason even more than ever. because i know my God has something up those magnificent white sleeves of His and Hez going to unleash it and lo and behold, jaws are gg to drop and isaac and will just chuckle. no sighs of relief this time coz this time around, we know. He has trained us well. after so many rounds of 'practice' whereby we hold our breaths in deep anticipation without knowing the outcome, this time we rest in a confidence greater than us.

stuck in a moment and i can't get out of it.

i just got reminded by my brother that 1995 was more than a decade ago.

most of you know i seldom ever if ever at all buy cds and every cd i buy must be quite something or a result of some massive impulsive streak that i have since managed to curb...quite successfully..

until i saw this today..
so now i'm somewhere stuck in the 90s. and don't try to borrow it from me k. its on repeat mode. and i'm on selfish mode.

what i really like

my pastor said something today that really struck me-that if we were still telling God that He shouldn't have allowed something in the past to happen, we have yet to learn the lesson.

the good news today is that He can really cause even that broken past, that lousy stupid mistake to work out for good. i don't really have an inkling as to what good it can possibly do but if giants were bread for champions in the case of Israel and jericho, i guess i'll just submit myself to the truth and let it amaze me.

i like how today turned out coz i was in such a frumpy miserable mood the night before. i like how my Father always surprises me with the pleasantest things. most of all, i thank the Lord that i can be joyful over nothing at all. an increasing trait i find in me these days, no matter how kancheong i am tempted to be or how dismaying the circumstances look. i celebrate the fact that i can laugh over nothing at all, and its not because someone is tickling me or if the screw up there is loose...

contrary to popular belief.

i also like the fact that everytime i cry, i can expect His comfort, His warmth, a hand to wipe away the tears/mucus, and a hug to make the pain ebb.

i am so enjoying the fact that i belong to Him and Him alone such that even when i'm the kancheong spider that i'm always tempted to be, i can expect grace and mercy.

i love how He loves me so much He diciplines me, He chides me with love, so that i can grow and not stay a brat now and forever more( phew).

a very short song

HOW YOU LOVE ME

hope came home
home to me today
and fear has run the other way
and words are weak
they don't know how to say
"You know i still believe in You"
and should my dreams fall through
i know i'll be safe with You
so with every breath i breathe
i'll sing about how You love me

-bebo norman

a reunion

today i found out for myself how it must have felt like to be like the blind man set free by Jesus, to be like the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus.

unlike the woman however, i had zero faith in me to even reach out and touch Him. i was low all over again and the physical symptoms only served to heighten my despair and served as a mockery to me. i felt that i was let down by Him, by the word.

judge me if you can't help it but that was truly so. then in the midst of the service my pastor received a word of knowledge and addressed my problem. my physical symptoms that were so unique and stubborn. He called me out through His faithful servant, my beloved pastor and there and i stepped out(i had no choice anyway, it was really just me), received prayer and got healed.

not just on the outside but on the inside too. its beyond description. a problem that has plagued me for so long and gave me so much trouble is finally gone. i couldn't reach out for Him so He reached out to me. i couldn't hear Him and He did all that was necessary to make himself heard. so that i would know His heart. so that Father and daughter could reconcile and there would be no more misunderstandings.

i was joyful, yet relieved and at peace. its a paradox of emotions, juxtaposed opposites. now i know i experienced mercy and grace anew. on a new level. and best of all, i walked away today knowing more and wanting to know more about my Father's heart for me.

never mind the theology, i feel loved and thats just that.

i wanted to shout and just run out and tell someone. so here i am. healed and whole by Jesus Christ.

brand new

its been awhile.

there was christmas and new year. yes, we're now in 2006 and everytime this year, i can most likely be found even on the 2nd day of the year still reeling from shock that yes, such a momentous event occurred. that being that a WHOLE year has passed.

despite having gone through this cycle 22 rounds, i never quite got over the phenomenon of how time passes. SO QUICKLY. and being overly nostalgic even over a lousy time/year, i get all sentimental and weepy over the past year. a part of me is still trapped in the past. from the time i was concious of time till like now. this year, i just want to live in the present and have hope for the future.

of coz that will be an enormous feat on its own.

theres nothing quite like 2005. it was a year of tremendous change and challenges and when asked to give a testimony for thanksgiving service, i was dumbfounded. simply put, i'm glad i survived 2005. it was an emotional whirlwind and i can't honestly say that true steadfastness in trust in my almighty God saw me through just fine.

i barely escaped unscathed. but once again, it was yet another year that will go down in my history of His sheer faithfulness and love. even when i misused the authority that He has bestowed on me, even when....

shall not go there as all is forgiven. uncovering my own mercy seat is another nono.

now that i'm in 2006, along with the rest of the world, all i ask for this year is really a greater more intimate walk with Him. so that mountains high or valleys low, i'll be calm on the inside and unstirred. truly walking worthy as a child of the Most High. there are bound to be valleys and circumstances cannot always be favorable but at the end of it all, i know i'll triumph. i know He has already overcome it all.

Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful
dear Lord You are faithful,
Like the rain that You bring and every breath that i breathe
You are so faithful oh lord

Like a rose, that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, dear Lord you are faithful
Like the life that You give, to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful O lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the waves
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful

when the stars refuse to shine
and time is no more
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful my God.

at the end of the line, this is what i discover

i feel so utterly discouraged sometimes i don't even want to wake up.

i think the despair crept in this week and i allowed it to invade with little or any resistance. i could hold the fort no longer and i just allowed my defences to crumble. the pressure is so intense at time i literally caved in. doubts, questions reeled endlessly in my mind and i lost sight of who He is, whose i am and my eternal promises sealed by the blood of Jesus with a covenant that cannot fail.

i need yet another miracle. soon. because patience and time failed me.

surrounded by so many lies but the one who CANNOT lie lives in me. (heb 6) thats the most comforting truth i've heard thus far and i just pray i have the patience and fortitude to 'hang in there' and watch it all come to pass. i've truly lost sight of everything that i thought i was so focused on. i've been nothing but a rebellious tantrum-filled child reeling accusations against a father who refuses to defend Himself.

and yet He waits, for me to tire out to be completely worn out from those hissy fits. and then i hear his endless whispers of comfort to my frazzled soul. i resist them yet again. because i'm still angry. because i'm still trapped in these circumstances that weigh so heavily on my tiny shoulders. i feel his presence overwhelm me. his endless comfort in such a tangible palpable way. yet i still doubt.

i can almost see this scenario happening in the near future even though its a scenario repeated only too often in the past. me, dissolved by goodness that i don't deserve bawling my eyes out because of this gift of mercy and grace and being utterly ashamed of myself. i oso see Him picking me up again and forgiving me. inspite of it all.

its sad but i believe its not just me. we identify His goodness only by a breakthroughs in natural circumstances such a good buy, a windfall, a promotion or anything that allows life in this world to be 'better', (by this world's lousy standards of course) its the original temptation in Eden and i believe its the devil's trump card..to make us doubt God's goodness.

the serpent had to make eve doubt if God was truly good and suggested the possibility that God might be withholding something from her. the doubt sank in deep enough in those few moments that changed the fate of mankind forever for her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

today i realise that inspite of this bleak circumstances, His goodness is and CANNOT be confined to the natural circumstances that are ever so volatile, especially in these turbulent last days. His goodness may manifest in natural circumstances but it does not stop there. It's the heart of God that is the epitome of His goodness. Its His heart towards us, His endless thoughts towards us, His love that compelled Him to send His only begotten son.

just 22 days more.

the song that made me bawl.
the song that made me realise i need to share it with someone
the song that reminded me that i still have a blog (dusty as it is) so i can conveniently share.
the song that means so much.
the song that reminded me that i am His. His child. as orphaned as i feel sometimes

thank you so much mei ling. this must be one of the best christmas presents ever. ranking close after the gift of Jesus himself. you truly know me best.

john 14:18 "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

All I really want
well, I don't really know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green glannel shirt
you may not have seen me, i was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you cause that's never worked before
and youll probably never see this letter, anyway
but just in case there's something you can do to help me out
i'll ask you one more time

all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
a shoulder to cry on if i lose, shoulders to ride on if i win
there's so much i could ask for, but there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas, is a family

well, i guess i should go ahead and tell you now
if it's really true about the list you have
somehow i always seem to end up in a fight
but i'm really trying hard not to be bad

but maybe if i had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
maybe they could teach me how to get along
and from everything i've heard it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
would be a mom

all i really want for christmas is someone who'll be here
to sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
and it's ok if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
that's all right cause so am i

well i guess i should go, its almost time for bed
and maybe next time i write you i'll be at home
cause all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
tell me i'll never be alone, someone who's love will never end
of all that i could ask for, well, there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas is a family.

-all i really want-
steven curtis chapman

visit www.ShaoeyandDot.com to win an autographed copy of 'A Christmas Miracle' by Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman.

visit www.howtoadopt.org because i think you should.

all that said and done, i'm still up for adoption.

blush

me (working working on my computer at the workplace.

(weird things start appearing on the monitor. strange colors popping out from nowhere at all)

me (panics)

me (runs to the IT dept and looks for IT manager)

me: j!(IT manager) come help!my computer is sick! strange colors are coming out on my screen!

IT manager and me rush back to my desk.

IT manager sits down, reaches for the mouse.

me (anxious): so how??!?!

IT manager: excuse me, this is your screen saver hor.

me: .....

matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live free and lightly"

after a beautiful sat morning session with Jesus, this is what i gather..

i will never let my heart be broken again over broken promises of some human being. including myself.

its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.

somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.

i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.

i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.

isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.

ok pettiness go.

***

that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.

den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Thats exactly how i've been feeling and although i feel slightly (ok alot actually) hard pressed, His constant encouragement keeps me buoyant and above the situation. and i am so grateful.

its been awesome in the sense that though situations and circumstances aren't all too favorable, i've knowing and seeing His heart for me better and somehow, while the outside can sometimes be so heartwrenching and tumultuous, i can still relish the sweet comfort of His presence in my life.

my journey with Him issnt perfect and i know that He wants more of me. much much more than my hunger of Him. sometimes i find it appalling that i make Him wait (albeit patiently) for me to spend time at His feet when i'm one who absolutely hates waiting. patience has yet to take fruit in my spirit and i can totally understand the pain of waiting. i'm known to walk off and disappear and not to return after just 15 minutes and God knows how long He waited for me in the day just to take notice or pay attention to Him. He must have waited ages just to say ' i love you'.

***

had lunch with adelene today and i was hoping to see belle too. i missed them both so so much. these two girls have been with me since i was like 9 and have seen me through so much of my life. i was so sorry to realise that i havent been around for them as much as i ought to.

girls, i'm so sorry. love you so very much. pls just call!

met jon and eunice later on in town. both are back on holiday and eunice was a complete surprise. not that she wazznt welcomed of coz. these two are two other people whom i absolutely love and were responsible for bringing so much sunshine and laughter into my life. we had so much fun and i'm so comforted to know that this aspect totally din change. i love them so much. eventhough i was a tad bit taciturn as i was so so tired. but i had good fun just hanging out and getting endless updates on the who's doing what since ive been so out of the loop

den after that wat happened was just so divinely bizarre. met my jc teachers who brought us to meet our principal whom they're gg to have a farewell tea with as hez leaving the college. den we talked and laughed and even ended up taking a picture together (above). i miss them so much.

ok i typed alot here but blogger at it all up.

just wanted to say how much i miss and cherish these people. timezones, physical distances and even hectic schedules might stand in the way of these beautiful friendships but i just pray that we will never betoo busy to just spare a moment now and then to remember each other and say a prayer. coz soemtimes thats all it takes to keep the friendship going.

lamb in lion's clothing.

too many moments,

i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.

scared.

sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.

i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.

its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.

the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.

good riddance.

found the flower button..but how to off the flash?

backtrack..the other things i found in my drawer

i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch