blush

me (working working on my computer at the workplace.

(weird things start appearing on the monitor. strange colors popping out from nowhere at all)

me (panics)

me (runs to the IT dept and looks for IT manager)

me: j!(IT manager) come help!my computer is sick! strange colors are coming out on my screen!

IT manager and me rush back to my desk.

IT manager sits down, reaches for the mouse.

me (anxious): so how??!?!

IT manager: excuse me, this is your screen saver hor.

me: .....

matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live free and lightly"

after a beautiful sat morning session with Jesus, this is what i gather..

i will never let my heart be broken again over broken promises of some human being. including myself.

its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.

somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.

i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.

i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.

isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.

ok pettiness go.

***

that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.

den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Thats exactly how i've been feeling and although i feel slightly (ok alot actually) hard pressed, His constant encouragement keeps me buoyant and above the situation. and i am so grateful.

its been awesome in the sense that though situations and circumstances aren't all too favorable, i've knowing and seeing His heart for me better and somehow, while the outside can sometimes be so heartwrenching and tumultuous, i can still relish the sweet comfort of His presence in my life.

my journey with Him issnt perfect and i know that He wants more of me. much much more than my hunger of Him. sometimes i find it appalling that i make Him wait (albeit patiently) for me to spend time at His feet when i'm one who absolutely hates waiting. patience has yet to take fruit in my spirit and i can totally understand the pain of waiting. i'm known to walk off and disappear and not to return after just 15 minutes and God knows how long He waited for me in the day just to take notice or pay attention to Him. He must have waited ages just to say ' i love you'.

***

had lunch with adelene today and i was hoping to see belle too. i missed them both so so much. these two girls have been with me since i was like 9 and have seen me through so much of my life. i was so sorry to realise that i havent been around for them as much as i ought to.

girls, i'm so sorry. love you so very much. pls just call!

met jon and eunice later on in town. both are back on holiday and eunice was a complete surprise. not that she wazznt welcomed of coz. these two are two other people whom i absolutely love and were responsible for bringing so much sunshine and laughter into my life. we had so much fun and i'm so comforted to know that this aspect totally din change. i love them so much. eventhough i was a tad bit taciturn as i was so so tired. but i had good fun just hanging out and getting endless updates on the who's doing what since ive been so out of the loop

den after that wat happened was just so divinely bizarre. met my jc teachers who brought us to meet our principal whom they're gg to have a farewell tea with as hez leaving the college. den we talked and laughed and even ended up taking a picture together (above). i miss them so much.

ok i typed alot here but blogger at it all up.

just wanted to say how much i miss and cherish these people. timezones, physical distances and even hectic schedules might stand in the way of these beautiful friendships but i just pray that we will never betoo busy to just spare a moment now and then to remember each other and say a prayer. coz soemtimes thats all it takes to keep the friendship going.

lamb in lion's clothing.

too many moments,

i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.

scared.

sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.

i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.

its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.

the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.

good riddance.

found the flower button..but how to off the flash?

backtrack..the other things i found in my drawer

i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch

neoprints

sorry about the fuzzy picture. i just dinno how to use MY camera. love the pic on top row, 2nd from left.

its funny how i always find something else when i am actually looking for something else.

things like that only happen to people with messy rooms.

was ransacking my room and drawers looking for a card and i found a whole packet of neoprints from a time long long ago. and i was going thru them one by one...its amazing hwo the colors are still so good.

i found myself laughing out loud over almost everything and sighing intermittently...i found the 'me' that i used to be all over again. the giggly giggly AND giggly me. i WAS such a comic and it was so clear in the neoprints. unlike now, i'm all sophisticated and serious. =)

my favorite neoprint friends were winnie, adelene, mei ling and cali. God knows how much we spent on those machinesthat just go 'haik chee zee' every 2 seconds. God knows why we did what we did and found it addictive. maybe we secretly allt hink we look good lah and we din have hp cameras or digi cams to tote around. afterall, it was THAT long ago. and honestly, i think we looked fantabulous. it was picture after picture of joy and craziness (the good kind) and fun and laughter. no make up, no fancy clothes, just us and our uniforms and genuine smiles.

maybe we should recreate those moments again someday.

btw, my favorite neoprint (as of today) is the one with mei ling and cali..but only my face can be seen. haha.blame it on the small screens...i was trying to pose as a cow and in that few seconds, unknowingly blocked out cali's face.mei ling escaped though. just by an inch. oops. not because of my fat cheeks ....i don't remember them being very happy about that shot.(above)

she is back!!!

this is going to be a long post...

i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!

yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.

anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.

anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.

found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"

of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.

i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.

some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.

i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.

thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.

philippians 4:6-7 (the message)

" don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life"

lesson two and day one.

lesson two today was super tiring but went by just as fast. i wazznt good with my turns so the instructor made me do nothing but turns. but this time in the heavy heavy rain. i was so cold and wet and his slow drawl din help. i really wanted to be home sleeping.

driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.

had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...

ramble ramble.

first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....

i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.

phew.

my adventures.

i hate the thoughts of unease and stress that are assaulting my mind right now.i want them to go away and let the peace of God flood in so i can sleep.its sunday and i have to wake up early for church and i have driving (lesson TWO) after that.i need my sleep.

go away thoughts go away.

i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.

had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.

the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.

i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"

and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".

he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.

pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.

nuff said.

you become clear, as i disappear.

saturday

isaac and i went shopping at tecman today and chalked up more than a hundred bux of purchases. after discount.after alot of restrain.

went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....

and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.

in a nutshell

My computer has been kinda down and its been a challenge for me especially since i always had this inherent IT phobia. yep. i abhor all things technological that don't operate as they ought to and they've managed oh so frequently (IN THE PAST) to drive me to new heights of insanity and threaten to give me more split ends. but i think as of this time, as of last night, i think that phobia is nicely buried (somewhat) in the grave.

been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.

i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...

been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.

sigh.

den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.

what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.

lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)

remember to Whom you belong

"i am His, by Him created; I am His, by Him redeemed; I am twice His, by original right and by purchase; I am His, and He will defend me, He will correct me, He will make use of me, He will love me, He will delight in me. I am my Beloved's and no one else possesses either right or power over me, except according to His will. he is mine, and all that is mine is His. All my sin, all my weakness, all my condemnation, all my misery, all my fears, all my shortcomings, I give to Him. They are His. His strength is my strength; His righteousness is my righteousness; His wisdom, His holiness, His salvation is mine and His God is my God. His Father is my Father. His breathren my brethren. And His heaven my home. For I belong to Him, and He is mine."

Kathryn Kulman.

**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.

Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.

Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.

no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .

i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.

im so glad.

the hammer-ray boltz

no obsession with hammers.its just a coincidence

i was in the crowd the day that Jesus died
and as He hung upon the cross
His mother cried
i saw the crown of thorns He wore
and the stripes upon His back
the water and the blood ran out
and then the sky turned black
my mind was filled with anger
my heart was filled with shame
this man brought only healing
who could bring Him pain
why does it seem the strong always vitimize the weak?
and suddenly i found myself standing to my feet

"who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy?
who nailed Him there, come and face me like a man
who nailed Him there?
and the crowd began to mock me
i cried, "oh my God, i just dont understand"
then i turned and saw the hammer in my hand"

i am just a roman soldier, an ordinary man
i love my wife and children
i do the best i can
how could i have killed Him
there must be someone else
there's got to be an answer
I just can't blame myself.

i nailed Him there, this child of peace and mercy
i nailed Him there
i am the guilty man
i nailed Him there with my sins and my transgressions
I cried
"oh my god, now i understand"
when i turned and saw the hammer in my hand

out

its been awhile since i blogged and its been (yet) another series of 'evil days' and God's awesome miracles.

i cannot really go into detail but there has been a deluge of stress and despair in my life and a whole army of angels flooding into my life to chase that despair out. i have mighty prayer warriors who stood by me and zac and praying us through the valleys and now that we're halfway up the mountain, soaring on the wings of their prayers, i just wanto offer our very heartfelt gratitude.

and we also had the soldiers of God rendering practical help. every ounce of it is so appreciated. from people completely unrelated to people who hadnt had a clue to whats been going on but happened to feel in their heart to offer help, God has shown Himself strong in His army and i'm so proud and grateful.

truly, even the valley is a terrain of joy and hope when its handed over to the Lord.and He, the covenant keeping God and father is truly faithful. even when we're so shrouded in darkness it blinds our eyes from seeing the prevailing hope and peace. im really enjoying 'body of christ' ministry very much these days especially after recent episodes which nearly saw me snapping and crumblinginto despair. i never understood how practical help could matter so much. i never understood that God enjoys using his church and body to bless each other. until now. i looked too far expecting whimsical signs and wonders from money falling from the sky to well...something just more supernatural.

but i realise the true supernatural happens within the body of christ in the most naturally natural ways. when that love touches you, you just identify it with Jesus even though its carried by a human vessel and its touched me so much and dissolved me to just a puddle of tears.

there are too many people i have to thank. i hope i din miss any out.

we praise the Lord for people like you. God is so pleased with you guys and i know i unmistakenly saw Jesus smiling and radiating in your eyes.

jon, cali, niq, mei ling, ben, ps john, auntie shirley, auntie connie, robin, bernard & joy, ivan & gerry, auntie daljit and uncle chye guan, dr lockhart, my mummy, dr teo, faith and victor,...

can i ever thank you pple enough?

because im speechless

the hammer holds-bebo norman

a shapeless piece of steel, thats all i claim to be
this hammer pound to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
i glow with fire and fury, as im twisted like a vine
my final shape, my final form i'm sure im bound to find
so dream a little, dream for me in hope that i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
and the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
i have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
and the question still remains, what am i to be?
perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and cry a little, cry for me so i can bear the flames
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
the hammer pounds again, but flames i do not feel
this force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh and wood reveals
a burn that burns much deeper, its more than i can stand
the reason for my life is to take the life of a guiltless man
so dream a little, dream for me in hopes i'll remain
and crya little, cry for me so i can bear the pain
and hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
but my dreams are not the issue here, for they , the hammer holds
this task before me may seem unclear
but it, my maker holds.