Pregnancy for a first time mum can be an exhilarating and nervous ride. It is a roller-coaster of emotions and with all the strange stuff going on in your body for the first time, it can no doubt be unsettling and mind-bloggling. At every turn in this ride, I worried and had my heart in my mouth. I often turned to friends who have been pregnant before for advice and thankfully, most of the time, they have gone through similar symptoms and their words undoubtedly assuaged my fears and comforted in my distresses.
That is why, even though I get a lot of bad scares from forums, I still turn to it. Like the old adage goes, "misery needs company" and it just is reassuring to know others have gone through queer, persistent symptoms and survived.
At 20 weeks, most of the puking has stopped even though I'm still suffering from that persistent, annoying cough that disrupts sleep and makes my stomach and chest hurt. Well, now my mentality is as such that I will be even more persistent and outlast it well. I hope it it soon coz it has been 12 days already. It might sound like a fleeting short time but when the tummy is burgeoning and you have a life inside you to protect, it feels dreadfully long. Thankfully, it is showing signs of wearing out.
Other than that, I have been progressing along normally. I have reached the half way mark but it still feels like a long way more to go. I pray that the rest of the journey will be smooth and uneventful. We've had a lot to deal with already and my heart needs to take a break from all the excitement. It all came, fast and furious and caught us unaware.
I am having my 20 week anatomy scan this saturday and I'm so excited and nervous I don't know how I'm going to sleep on friday. Praying all goes well and we receive plenty of good news to fire up adrenaline that can keep me going and distract me from discomfort!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Anxiety and pregnancy
I've always had problems dealing with anxiety but the problem has been dealt with, for quite sometime now...or so I thought.
It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.
It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.
While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.
To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.
Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.
One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.
Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.
I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.
It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.
It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.
While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.
To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.
Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.
One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.
Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.
I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
So I tried to fight the flu naturally
With extra doses of vitamin C, anti inflammatory food like ginger and just rest.
It didn't work.
A few days ago, I woke up after only two hours of sleep with intense pain. I've been averaging only two-three hours because of the pain and that day, it was exacerbated by nausea. Feeling extremely faint and weak, I went to the bathroom in an attempt to clear the phlegm from my throat and sinuses and out came blood from my nose. My first nosebleed in 30 years. It was 5 am and I had to wait another 4 hours in faint before I next saw a doctor.
I had scary thoughts racing through my head such as: what if I faint alone at home etc..
At 9.20 am, I was at the doctor. I was already running a fever, throwing.up almost anything I ingest, including water and in sheer pain.
I was in deep agony.
To cut the long story short, I was put on a long course of anti biotics and while the sore throat abated and allows 5 hours of sleep now, the cough still persists stubbornly.
I'm not sure if I'm getting better and am plagued with worry. There's still a lot of phlegm and the cough disrupts my sleep. If it's even possible, I think I lost weight too.
Ironically, I'm almost at the halfway mark of this pregnancy marathon and while some of my peers celebrate that it all went by in a"blink of an eye", I wonder how I survived and pray for strength to last the rest of the journey.
I'm extremely exhausted and am downright tired. It feels like forever more and I am not feeling brave or particularly optimistic. My mood seems to have taken a nose dive with the lack of rest and illness I honestly want nothing but for time to pass and a healthy strong baby.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
19 weeks
Another milestone I'm thankful for.
Unfortunately, I'm down with a miserable cold and the symptoms are exacerbated when I can't be medicated. Rest is almost elusive and I've found myself worrying about whether in resting or eating enough. Weight gain is still non existent and negative I'm tempted to wonder if there's anything wrong with the scale.
Despite all, I'm now almost at the halfway mark and it's a series of miracles I made it so far. I marvel at the miracle of life everyday and am awed by His faithfulness and goodness towards me.
Yes, there's a lot of discomfort and suffering especially since I'm sick and I can't claim to have done so without complaining or do it with grace and dignity.
But I'm learning to press on, celebrate the joy that is growing within me and dream with God in the midst of uncertainties.
I can't wait to see you my child.
Looking forward to the scan which is the closest I have to seeing him.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Best day of my life
That was yesterday.
I'm still beaming with joy at the thought of it.
I was so excited going to the Gynae for the gender scan and prayed that the baby would be cooperative.
Lo and behold, he opened his legs and lifted his hands on cue to show us his manhood. It was the most amazing moment of my life.
I know we are wayy early but we have settled his name and all. He just has no clothes yet.
I preferred a boy but now, while I'm excited that it is a boy, I'm just so glad he is healthy and alive. The names I chose for a girl speak of what I hope for in a daughter but the names we are going with for my son are from God even before I realized I was pregnant. My joy, my pride. His word came to pass!!
I just want the best for the kiddo and cannot wait to meet him!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Confession
Pregnancy unleashes more than hormones and morning sickness.
It unleashes unsolicited advice from all sorts of people. Anyone feels entitled to give you advice, well-meaning or not. They come from all walks of life, whether they had a kid 60 years ago, yesterday or never had a kid OR worse, is a man, they will want to give you advice.
I've been so tempted to scream them silent but so far, I've held myself back. Amazing grace, I say.
The two people I dread most are my mum and mother-in-law. They don't understand boundaries, thresholds and threaten my fragile sanity at times even when I'm deeply depressed.
I've had a rocky relationship with them for the most of my life and this pregnancy is making it worse. I appreciate the concern although they are severely gender biased towards males and I worry that I'll be made to feel less than a person if the baby was a girl. I've been gifted with bagfuls of boys' clothes when the gender is not even revealed. My mum is slightly more discreet but pregnancy has made me rethink and rock further the relationship between me and my parents.
**
I've got issues and I admit it. I came from a less than stellar family and hold deep emotional baggages from the past. I still struggle with nightmares and flashbacks and their hauntings lead to a downward spiral of emotions. It has been years and I wonder if I'll ever be free.
Ironically, instead of making me appreciate my parents for their idiosyncrasies and their warped concern, I have taken to deeply resenting them instead because all these are overshadowed by abuses and neglect of the past. I remember a time when I was severely sick with pneumonia but no one noticed. I was raised by a maid and by the time I was sent to hospital, I had already fainted and vaguely remember the doctor berating my mum harshly. She did absolutely nothing for whatever reason and I was always brought up to believe that I was not worth any attention or feel unloved.
I worry because I am scared I'll grow into their likeness and struggle to obey the commandment to forgive. It is so hard. Many have said to go ahead and just make the choice but somedays, I feel like I'd rather die than forgive them.
I've contemplated cutting them completely out of my life but in moments of weakness, I let them in only to be disappointed all over again. They threaten my fragile state of sanity and of course, happiness. I secretly yearn to be as far and as independent of them as possible. I have mulled over the fact that perhaps, I might regret it one day when they bid their final farewells but on the other hand, I also wonder if that will bring closure. When your abuser, both physical and with neglect passes on, shouldn't that bring relief instead?
My uncles and aunties were victims of terrible physical abuse and they are still scarred well into their 60s. It is evident in everything they do and every facet of their behavior. I fear the curse continued and want to break it but I don't know how. I feel terribly orphaned even as a thirty year old and I know that has adversely affected my relationship with God.
I want a way out but don't know how. The child is but a distraction and I know that somehow, someday, these will be back to haunt me and I will have to face them head on.
It unleashes unsolicited advice from all sorts of people. Anyone feels entitled to give you advice, well-meaning or not. They come from all walks of life, whether they had a kid 60 years ago, yesterday or never had a kid OR worse, is a man, they will want to give you advice.
I've been so tempted to scream them silent but so far, I've held myself back. Amazing grace, I say.
The two people I dread most are my mum and mother-in-law. They don't understand boundaries, thresholds and threaten my fragile sanity at times even when I'm deeply depressed.
I've had a rocky relationship with them for the most of my life and this pregnancy is making it worse. I appreciate the concern although they are severely gender biased towards males and I worry that I'll be made to feel less than a person if the baby was a girl. I've been gifted with bagfuls of boys' clothes when the gender is not even revealed. My mum is slightly more discreet but pregnancy has made me rethink and rock further the relationship between me and my parents.
**
I've got issues and I admit it. I came from a less than stellar family and hold deep emotional baggages from the past. I still struggle with nightmares and flashbacks and their hauntings lead to a downward spiral of emotions. It has been years and I wonder if I'll ever be free.
Ironically, instead of making me appreciate my parents for their idiosyncrasies and their warped concern, I have taken to deeply resenting them instead because all these are overshadowed by abuses and neglect of the past. I remember a time when I was severely sick with pneumonia but no one noticed. I was raised by a maid and by the time I was sent to hospital, I had already fainted and vaguely remember the doctor berating my mum harshly. She did absolutely nothing for whatever reason and I was always brought up to believe that I was not worth any attention or feel unloved.
I worry because I am scared I'll grow into their likeness and struggle to obey the commandment to forgive. It is so hard. Many have said to go ahead and just make the choice but somedays, I feel like I'd rather die than forgive them.
I've contemplated cutting them completely out of my life but in moments of weakness, I let them in only to be disappointed all over again. They threaten my fragile state of sanity and of course, happiness. I secretly yearn to be as far and as independent of them as possible. I have mulled over the fact that perhaps, I might regret it one day when they bid their final farewells but on the other hand, I also wonder if that will bring closure. When your abuser, both physical and with neglect passes on, shouldn't that bring relief instead?
My uncles and aunties were victims of terrible physical abuse and they are still scarred well into their 60s. It is evident in everything they do and every facet of their behavior. I fear the curse continued and want to break it but I don't know how. I feel terribly orphaned even as a thirty year old and I know that has adversely affected my relationship with God.
I want a way out but don't know how. The child is but a distraction and I know that somehow, someday, these will be back to haunt me and I will have to face them head on.
Coming right up.. the gender scan!!!
I've told my friends that if I could, I'll live to have a scan machine so I can see my baby ALL THE TIME.
I cannot wait to see the baby again this saturday when my gynae appointment happens. I cannot wait!! I am so excited I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. This is worse than waiting for an episode of my favourite TV shows coz this only gets aired once a month.
This week, we're going to (hopefully) find out the baby's gender. Baby hopefully cooperates and flashes at the camera. I'm also looking forward to feeling the baby's first kicks and am a little disappointed that I've yet to feel them. I think I've felt them but honestly, 16 weeks is a bit early for a first child and I think it was really just gas. The husband felt it too and I doubt a kid that young can give such a mighty kick.
Such is pregnancy. You suffer, get excited, forget and tadah! The kid is born!
In other news, I still puke from time to time but other than that, I am getting the hang of things and starting to accept that unsolicited advice will come. I still have plenty of issues to deal with and gripe about (if I choose to) but the joy of expecting the baby far surpasses everything.
I also have a nagging feeling the baby will look mostly like its father because I've been super adoring my husband. I look at him sleep and think to myself..." oh, this is what baby will look like" and marvel at how sweet he is. Of course, it is a different story when he wakes up which I suppose will be quite similar to how I'll feel if baby screams my head off.
We'll see!
I cannot wait to see the baby again this saturday when my gynae appointment happens. I cannot wait!! I am so excited I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. This is worse than waiting for an episode of my favourite TV shows coz this only gets aired once a month.
This week, we're going to (hopefully) find out the baby's gender. Baby hopefully cooperates and flashes at the camera. I'm also looking forward to feeling the baby's first kicks and am a little disappointed that I've yet to feel them. I think I've felt them but honestly, 16 weeks is a bit early for a first child and I think it was really just gas. The husband felt it too and I doubt a kid that young can give such a mighty kick.
Such is pregnancy. You suffer, get excited, forget and tadah! The kid is born!
In other news, I still puke from time to time but other than that, I am getting the hang of things and starting to accept that unsolicited advice will come. I still have plenty of issues to deal with and gripe about (if I choose to) but the joy of expecting the baby far surpasses everything.
I also have a nagging feeling the baby will look mostly like its father because I've been super adoring my husband. I look at him sleep and think to myself..." oh, this is what baby will look like" and marvel at how sweet he is. Of course, it is a different story when he wakes up which I suppose will be quite similar to how I'll feel if baby screams my head off.
We'll see!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
15 weeks
Every wed, when the baby turns a week old, it seems to commemorate by making me violently puke some time close to midnight.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
pre natal depression
There's a huge dark cloud shrouding my mind and all I know is that I'm trapped and I'm alone.
My family has made themselves deaf to my pleas and cries for help because it goes against the anything-bad-can-happen-to-a-christian belief. Therefore, I must be really lacking in faith and am feeling like a complete outcast.
When my mum was down, I took her in no questions asked. I cared for her even though she was largely absent in my childhood and was the least favoured kid. This is how she repays me. That's why God already made the provision such that "when your father or mother forsakes you", He promises to take you in..
Yet, I don't feel very taken in. My husband has rendered zero emotional support and kept asking me techinical questions like why , what's the trigger etc?
I don't know these answers except that I seem to be the trigger. And I'm pulling the trigger soon if respite doesn't come.
I want to run away with baby until none of them finds me. Because while I was here calling in my loudest voice through every possible medium for help, I was cruelly ignored.
My heart was breaking with every cold shoulder I get but it persisted. Now, for the sake of the baby, I have realised I cannot give it grandparents who never learnt to be parents in the first place. I have to start afresh, with the little I've got and move on.
Now, I'm just trying to gather strength like dust from the floor so that I can stand up again and face the odds stacked against me. So that I don't get so confused I think dying is the better solution.
My family has made themselves deaf to my pleas and cries for help because it goes against the anything-bad-can-happen-to-a-christian belief. Therefore, I must be really lacking in faith and am feeling like a complete outcast.
When my mum was down, I took her in no questions asked. I cared for her even though she was largely absent in my childhood and was the least favoured kid. This is how she repays me. That's why God already made the provision such that "when your father or mother forsakes you", He promises to take you in..
Yet, I don't feel very taken in. My husband has rendered zero emotional support and kept asking me techinical questions like why , what's the trigger etc?
I don't know these answers except that I seem to be the trigger. And I'm pulling the trigger soon if respite doesn't come.
I want to run away with baby until none of them finds me. Because while I was here calling in my loudest voice through every possible medium for help, I was cruelly ignored.
My heart was breaking with every cold shoulder I get but it persisted. Now, for the sake of the baby, I have realised I cannot give it grandparents who never learnt to be parents in the first place. I have to start afresh, with the little I've got and move on.
Now, I'm just trying to gather strength like dust from the floor so that I can stand up again and face the odds stacked against me. So that I don't get so confused I think dying is the better solution.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Pregnancy thoughts and feelings
I was feeling so low after the massive pukes despite being in second trimester. It was SUPPOSED to abate but no, it surged back with a vengeance to announce that I'm really really pregnant.
I know I have to see it as a good thing because this means my hormone levels are like spectacular and baby is growing well but the puking got to me at some point and I got quite depressed.
Today however, despite the puking was marvellous. Cali came to my house. I was supposed to meet her outside coz God knows how badly I need to feel normal but I was hovering around the toilet bowl so much, she brought duck rice to my door step!
The rest of the afternoon passed with us chatting and me puking intermittently. It was one of those few days which where the nausea is not relegated to evenings but the whole day.
I had to stop talking and just lie down or jump up and rush to the toilet to throw myself up blue.
At some point, Cali started to help me fold clothes, sort out my laundry and even pack my table. It's such a chore and I felt so bad for her doing this for me. My maid had been on leave during the worst of times and now one of my best friends is really doing the work instead! I felt so so so bad but grateful.
Seriously, I have the best friends or what? They come when I'm at my ugliest, grossest, with nothing to offer and give and give. I am so grateful.
So yes, there are setbacks on many fronts and I'm like a permanent fixture in front of toilet bowl but there's still cheer and stuff to be grateful about. :,) Praise the Lord!
Note to baby: you're too blessed!!
Violent puking and sleepless night
I am miserable. Lying down now but I still have urges to retch up a storm.
Dear baby, I really hope you love me and will arrive like an angel straight from heaven. Because I have endured a good deal while gestating you.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Counting down to December
Lost count of the number of times in the last few months I puked bile.
Yesterday was a good day until my nose detected the odours of lotus seed paste and I threw up a storm complete with bile, muscle spasms and a splitting headache that followed.
Sleep has been fraught with panic attacks brought upon by various stressors and I'm finally getting the crazy urge to pee.non.stop. Think the uterus is finally tilting towards the bladder.
I also get some numbness in my legs every few hours when I sleep and am really surprised because this is supposed to be a third trimester symptom.
Nobody said it was easy.
I just didn't realize what a ride I was really in for!! Now I don't even remember pre-pregnancy freedom and energy levels and mobility.
But I'm thankful baby is healthy and that's what really really matters now. Keep growing well and remember to smile at the camera tomorrow so I can see you clearly!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Metamorphosis
I hates dragon fruit. I bought three earlier and wolfed it down.
I pretty much am a noodles person now. I used to be all rice and pasta.
Just two examples out of too many changes.
By December, I might not know who I am anymore.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Return of the nausea monster
Nausea has returned like a violent and ferocious tornado after seemingly tapering off. I've had violent pukes, muscle spasms and even had to shampoo my hair and flush my nose to get rid of all residual smell.
Not very nice picture but a realistic account of the less favorable side of pregnancy. Not everyone can look like Kate Middleton and there are some who just puke way after the supposed taper-off period.
I know I shouldn't complain about this common affliction. But I do need to log this down to prevent myself from considering a second pregnancy without mental preparation. (And to remind my child the sacrifices I had to make)
I'm looking forward to respite and reprieve when this ends.
I am weak from hardly having any food today and need to relive days in a seemingly distant future when I had energy and life wasn't about sprinting fr bed to toilet and hovering around toilet for most part of the day.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Almost
I nearly celebrated my first non-puke day but I had one major violent one just 15 minutes ago.
Skirmishes also with the in-laws that make me want to spew fire.
I am close.
Forgive me God because I have sinned.
When you harbor anger, hate, you harbor murder in your heart. I need to forgive, let go and set THIS captive free.
Skirmishes also with the in-laws that make me want to spew fire.
I am close.
Forgive me God because I have sinned.
When you harbor anger, hate, you harbor murder in your heart. I need to forgive, let go and set THIS captive free.
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
week 10 report
Today was a tough day.
My enemies came out in full force and I was in a tough situation that threatened so much at stake at work.
However, I was really pleased and nothing could rob the joy of hearing the heartbeat of the little one. I thought it sounded like people hurling which is seems like the current soundtrack of my life on repeat mode.
The scan was accidental coz I was back at the doctor's with some stomach cramps and only 4 hours of sleep, a cold and really bad nausea. I hadn't kept food down in 24 hours and I was plain miserable. Doctor wanted to check if baby was ok and hence, the scan. I am still on vaginal scope because my womb has not tilted (I was born with a retroverted womb) and doctor had to press down on my tummy to see hardly anything.
God has given me a lot of promises of late and encouraging revelations to comfort and encourage during these hard times.
They include Exodus..verses like "and Rachel conceived" in my email header and beautiful scriptures from Mark whereby Jesus knew all this time his betrayal took place at night. In my own walk, before the tsunami came at me, friends have been reminding me that the battle belongs to the Lord and He gave me a verse that kept repeating in my mind over and over before I was blindsided (again).
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43: 2
How apt. How lovely.
Praise the Lord.
My enemies came out in full force and I was in a tough situation that threatened so much at stake at work.
However, I was really pleased and nothing could rob the joy of hearing the heartbeat of the little one. I thought it sounded like people hurling which is seems like the current soundtrack of my life on repeat mode.
The scan was accidental coz I was back at the doctor's with some stomach cramps and only 4 hours of sleep, a cold and really bad nausea. I hadn't kept food down in 24 hours and I was plain miserable. Doctor wanted to check if baby was ok and hence, the scan. I am still on vaginal scope because my womb has not tilted (I was born with a retroverted womb) and doctor had to press down on my tummy to see hardly anything.
God has given me a lot of promises of late and encouraging revelations to comfort and encourage during these hard times.
They include Exodus..verses like "and Rachel conceived" in my email header and beautiful scriptures from Mark whereby Jesus knew all this time his betrayal took place at night. In my own walk, before the tsunami came at me, friends have been reminding me that the battle belongs to the Lord and He gave me a verse that kept repeating in my mind over and over before I was blindsided (again).
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43: 2
How apt. How lovely.
Praise the Lord.
Monday, May 05, 2014
The journey
Puking everyday and getting dead exhausted doesn't make me a mother.
Changing your diapers in future will not make me your mother.
I will be your mother when I want to die for you not because of you.
I am your mother when i never stop believing in you
I am your mother when no matter what, I never stop loving you
I am your mother when you are greater than the sum of everything I have to go through to arrive at your fulfilment and success.
So now, the puking, the physical suffering, they're just ground work on the way to becoming a mother. Not real motherhood.
Changing your diapers in future will not make me your mother.
I will be your mother when I want to die for you not because of you.
I am your mother when i never stop believing in you
I am your mother when no matter what, I never stop loving you
I am your mother when you are greater than the sum of everything I have to go through to arrive at your fulfilment and success.
So now, the puking, the physical suffering, they're just ground work on the way to becoming a mother. Not real motherhood.
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