The hardest part, Coldplay

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Paradise-coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fl

Hiring the 'Third Billion'

Hmm.

Hiring the 'Third Billion' - http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/01/29/why-the-global-economy-needs-to-businesses-to-invest-in-women

Shared from Newsweek, an iPhone app made with www.AppMakr.com

Awestruck

Yesterday, I was telling God and a friend how crippled I feel regarding certain issues that have bogged me down so much.


Today, as I prayed I got a verse from Isaiah 35 that said " The lame shall leap as a hart"


"Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
   and sorrow and sighing will flee away."


" Strengthen the feeble hands, 
   steady the knees that give way; 
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts, 
   “Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
   he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
   he will come to save you.”


I don't know how but somehow, keeping on in the word of the Lord is slowly unraveling my Lebanon, filling me with hope and strength.


Surely the Lord is the strength of my heart and portion forevermore.

Haha

I fainted in 1997 at the dentist after extracting 4 teeth to make room for braces.

I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I thought I was going to die at 14. I remember opening my eyes but seeing nothing and hearing anxiety in the voices around me ad the paramedics tried to rouse me back to consciousness.

Prior to that I never feared medical personnel or trips to the dentists. I prided myself for being braver than the wimpy boys. I never winced when they drew blood, administer vaccinations and extract (baby) teeth.

Then now I'm a wuss.

I have had a long descent into wussdom. Gung Ho no more.

Deja Vu

Over and over.

Like a broken record.

Before I enter, I scan for the exit, ready to bolt.

Rubble everywhere.

The familiar sting and stench.

I re-live every thing again.

Leehom Wang - Ni Bu Zai

And I haven't gone for a single Lee Hom concert. Given the lousy acoustics in Indoor stadium and the dark lights, I probably will have to strain to hear every single word and read the lyrics on my iphone.

Youtube to the rescue!

Find your freedom

"You were there for summer dreaming
and you were a friend indeed
And I know you'll find your freedom eventually
for eternity"-Eternity, Robbie Williams

Dear mouth

Now you seem to be infected despite taking 18 anti-biotic pills a day. Because you have been behaving like a recalcitrant brat, I am now running a temperature and a headache. I cannot stand the chills even though the air con is not on and my head hurts like..bad.

You have hurt me too deeply. Too much. You gotta stop so my fever can go, headaches can cease and my shoulder ( yes I blame you for this too) can stop hurting.

I need sleep and to be able to eat. I hope you heed this warning or else I will deny you your favorite food.

Thank you.

Yours,
Brain

Romans 12:2

Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out...unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Idolatry

The first idolatry introduced to me was the worship of self.

Growing up, I was the only child and grandchild. I was highly favored and soon it was obvious to my young psyche that everything does revolve around me. People would bend over backwards at their own inconvenience to make me happy. I reigned over them and my happiness or lack of it would spell the same for them.

I was spoilt rotten.

But the real god that really ruled and tormented me over the last 10 over years was money. The bible clearly says that we shall have no gods other than Him and the love of money is the root of all evil. I have worshipped money discreetly in my private chambers of my soul while claiming to be a believer in Jesus Christ. I have allowed money and the apparent lack of it to govern my decisions and direct my life. Jesus doesn't have the last say. Money did.

Today I renounce it. I take the filthy god off the throne and reinstated the Lord Jesus Christ as the king of kings over the throne in my heart, where He rightfully belongs. I smash the idols of money and I want this with all my heart that this will be the last time it ever has a reign over me.

I will not serve this god anymore or any others besides Jesus.

God Bless the USA - American Idol Season 2 Group Performance

still makes me cry.

Heading for shore

So I've been dwelling in confusion and chest-deep in the mire of despair for a week.

Then a short conversation with "the sage" sorted it all out and sent me reeling back from all the exaggerated lies that I've allowed myself to believe.

I'm inspired by your faith and your trust in God. Really.

So here am I am, again, getting ready to disembark from the sinking ship. For some reason, I've boarded two sinking ships in one year. Both situations ironically required a tremendous sense of courage to put on my life jacket of trust in a God who never fails and jump into the stormy waters to await either rescue or swim to shore with the last bit of strength I've got.

I'm not sure what's next. In any case, the earliest this chapter can be concluded is in April/May. I don't know if I'm ready to kick-start another career. Isaac is of the opinion that I've not really rested in 7 years and maybe I should just..not work. To that, I instantly rebut with questions about financial viability and the all-important question of what I will do with my time after that.

I'm not that kind who can sit home all day and not engage in work. (And I'm not referring to housework).  I will have a hard time trying to be still as I fend off ideas on business plans, analyze life, business etc and send my mind into overdrive all over again.

Word in season

Commentary on Isaiah 41:10-20

God speaks with tenderness; Fear thou not, for I am with thee: not only within call, but present with thee. Art thou weak? I will strengthen thee. Art thou in want of friends? I will help thee in the time of need. Art thou ready to fall? I will uphold thee with that right hand which is full of righteousness, dealing forth rewards and punishments. There are those that strive with God's people, that seek their ruin. Let not God's people render evil for evil, but wait God's time. It is the worm Jacob; so little, so weak, so despised and trampled on by every body. God's people are as worms, in humble thoughts of themselves, and in their enemies' haughty thoughts of them; worms, but not vipers, not of the serpent's seed. Every part of God's word is calculated to humble man's pride, and to make him appear little in his own eyes. The Lord will help them, for he is their Redeemer. The Lord will make Jacob to become a threshing instrument. God will make him fit for use, new, and having sharp spikes. This has fulfilment in the triumphs of the gospel of Christ, and of all faithful followers of Christ, over the power of darkness. God has provided comforts to supply all their wants, and to answer all their prayers. Our way to heaven lies through the wilderness of this world. The soul of man is in want, and seeks for satisfaction; but becomes weary of seeking that in the world, which is not to be had in it. Yet they shall have a constant supply, where one would least expect it. I will open rivers of grace, rivers of living water, which Christ spake of the Spirit, John 7:38,39. When God sets up his church in the Gentile wilderness, there shall be a great change, as if thorns and briers were turned into cedars, and fir-trees, and myrtles. These blessings are kept for the poor in spirit, who long for Divine enlightening, pardon, and holiness. And God will render their barren souls fruitful in the grace of his Spirit, that all who behold may consider it.

Q&A

Q1)Friend: what makes you happy?
Me: I don't know.

Q2)What are your strengths?
Me: I don't know.

Q3)What are your weaknesses?
I went on to give a lengthy answer to this question.

It's the wee hours of the morning on a weekend and it just started pouring. I'm back here in front of the computer trying to make sense of and document whatever coherent thoughts I have because I can't sleep. For reasons yet unknown, the familiar stab in my heart is back. The one that accompanies memories when they resurrect unannounced. The one that makes me relive it like it is happening all.over.again. Like I'm still trapped in a time capsule. Like I'm still that 2nd rate girl.

The pain is palpable and not a mere emotional tug on the figurative heartstrings. I could go on and on dissecting it and trying to decipher the anatomy of the pain but I'd rather not. For now, I'd just like to go straight to the root cause and exterminate it. I've done it many times over but for some reason, it erupts repeatedly like a stubborn wound that refuses to heal. I know I cannot rush healing so I have cut myself some slack in that area but it is sheer torture to repeat and repeat that. It is a tedious process of confronting myself, my identity, my inner vows that I have made as a retaliation to circumstances. It's a confrontation of regrets that I didn't handle things right the first time and now live with consequences. Most of all, it is a process of forgiveness. To forgive those who did me wrong and...forgive myself.

God of the broken

Thank you for being the God of my broken dreams.

I still grieve and at times the pain so overwhelms I feel like plunging headlong into the abyss of despair.  I remember the time I was curled up in bed, spilling tears like the Niagara falls consumed by pure, raw pain. And here I am, still standing even though back then, I never thought I'd make it through. The credit belongs to you.

So now, here am I again, at the foot of the cross. Take away the pain. Take me, heal me, graft me back into the tree of life. Let me blossom with your dreams and desires for me and let your grace abound in me so that I will always be sufficient in all the good works that You want to do through me. Help me get past myself, dethrone me from the throne I erected in Your name, stealing Your glory in broad daylight. Help me make sense of this confusion. Give me your wisdom so that I know how to, when to and who to say what to. Give me strength if I need to let go. Don't let me be so humanly nice that my kindness is tainted with hypocrisy and foolishness, bringing no one nearer to the truth and letting them think wrongly that I am, indeed better than I really am. Don't allow me to be so brutally unkind, sharp with my words, quick to pass judgment such that I smear your reputation and drag your name through the slush of shame. Don't let me be me. Let You be You through me.

::首播::Mayday五月天【我不願讓你一個人】MV官方完整-末日版

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened, so that I may know the hope of His calling, what are the surpassing riches of the glory of the inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Rediscovery

15 years since I gave my life to Jesus only to realize there is still a firm deep seated throne of self within me.

Today I was knocked out by drugs thanks to a cold but it suddenly hit me that I don't know Jesus at all.

He is not just the righteous judge waiting around to catch me make a boo boo. He is all gentle yet strong. He decimates his enemies with unconventional methods such as dying a cruel death on the cross to disarm them of all power and render them completely impotent.

Most of all he loves me in a way that I never will know why and how. Because I'm just me and he is God.

There's litle much else to say except that I want to rediscover the lover of my soul again and love him with every bit that I have in me.

Detox my soul

Am surrounded by the world and its corrupt values that try so very often to permeate into my soul too.

I am praying that their values will not corrupt the incorruptible seed deposited and that I will have enough strength in me to reject and refuse these values.

I am adamant that people and relationships should be not measured by dollars and cents. It devalues the true worth of a person because their value is infinite and immeasurable. The worth of a single person is the Son of the most high God as it cost Him his life.

In other news, the storms of a looming retrenchment is taking shape. While it doesn't exactly fulfil the usual criteria of ''good news'', I am actually exhilarated by the thought of it and pray I won't be the last few on the list to go. I want to go with a nice compensation, when the shit hasn't hit the fan and before everyone else so I don't have to clear the mess they leave behind. It is highly likely that the regional office in SG will not survive the onslaught of reality and will move somewhere to China or HK to better service the markets there.

So in spite of the irony that there is more work coming up prior to any major shift whereby we will all be dropped off with well wishes and a goodbye, I am not going to allow myself to be stressed by work and guard my heart fervently against anxiety and stress, both age old nemesis that I have yet to have full victory over. To put things in perspective, no matter how much I stress and how long I work, there will be no appraisal because here will be no company and there will be no job and no promotion. I will continue to do my best, learn and refuse to let the job or myself kill myself over a job.