Loopy thoughts

I cannot be anyone else. I was made to only be me.

The real trouble now (to everyone else), is that being me is a menace on many fronts.

"Call me a miscreation, I'm a walking celebration"
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Ready to start anew?

I think I stepped too hard on the brakes.

Now I'm thrown back, hard and I don't know how to proceed. I'm scared to start and go again but I can't sit here strapped (and trapped).

I struggle like a cold-turkey junkie to resist the urge to check my mails. When I occasionally do and see it load like flies descending on decay in my inbox, my pulse speeds up and I feel like I need to run.

At this rate, I might morph and devolve into a korean-movie, chinese song KTV regular. They are both sappy and slow enough for me.

It's 2011.

It's been more than a decade since I thought robots would come and rule the world in 2000, amongst many other things.

I am stumped and want to leave this land.

Compassion

John 11:33

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/John11.33.ESV

Sent from my iPhone

Eve of new year's eve

This time of the year, I'm extra fidgety because I'm not brave enough to come to terms with the fact that one whole year has gone passed in a flash and here we are, at the threshold of another unknown.

There is a strange romanticism in facing this alone (so to speak) because God is so close and you know come what may, even if I had to cross through hellfire, He will be there.

We will watch the year deplete of it's last glories like a sunset and wait in anticipation (and trepidation) for a new year.

What really lies ahead? I have no clue. Except that my God is already there.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

I'm not alone

Maybe I'm not as alone as I think.

Am amazed at the numerous parallels between our stories. Between mine and yours, between mine and a novel's plot and even silly movies.

These help me gain another perspective and strangely provide an awesome sense of comfort. Somewhere out there, there are peope going through similar predicaments, searching for the same answers. I might not know you but we're on the same journey. I know at least somewhere out there, if I ever had to chance to confide in you, you'd empathize.

If only we knew our destinations and answers like the finale of a drama series which we can fast forward to.

If only.

27th Christmas

It was good by most standards. I wished the birthday boy happy birthday and determined in my heart to not let my own gloom, or anything at all overshadow the joy of this occassion.

Jesus, I'm thankful for a lot but mostly, I'm thankful for You.

Had a panic attack while napping. This was a sneaky one that threatened to ruin the day. By God's grace, it didn't. Will not go into the details of it but it was nicely ambushed and unexpected. Isaac refuses to leave me alone for too much but spent most of the day sleeping. Poor boy. I empathize with fatigue. He attempted to cook noodles thrice as per my instructions. Didn't work and the resident chef of the house had to come in for rescue. He cracked no egg but I managed to crack a smile.

I reconnected with the lovely Pam and we chatted and it's amazing how much we can share over msn in such a short time. God, I miss that girl. Has it been a decade since she injected coffee into my veins? Now, we're all grown up and she is injecting Godly perspective into my life. How awesome. I'm so proud of this girl.

Brother spent this christmas in the holy land (I hope he was in a manger) coz I am jeolous.

On the way back from dinner after church, zac and I were both caught in crazy thunderstorm that has been inundating SG. It was funny rushing in the rain. We got home soaked and cold but had a good laugh. His valiant but vain attempt to shelter me from the strong winds with his skinny body was also hilarious.

January 2011 looms ahead. God, you must have something planned. Please tell me soon.

Look at what came in the mail

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

-----Original Message-----
From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: 24 Dec 2010 02:03:06
To: <devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org
Subject: YOU WILL SURVIVE

David Wilkerson Today

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2010

YOU WILL SURVIVE

Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True
happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and
pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in
the past.

You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you
are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up
at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!

Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or
die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much
you can bear with God's help.

You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to
you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in
heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal
his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you
can't see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and
simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence.
He wants you to cry aloud, "Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail
me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be
defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my
direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon
that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17).
 



Read this devotion online: http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/11171


Pulpit Series Newsletters
================================================================================

Sifted Saints, 12.13.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/sifted-saints

Handcuffed to Jesus, 11.22.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/handcuffed-to-jesus

A Skeptic's Guide to Crossing the Jordan, 11.01.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/skeptics-guide-to-crossing-the-jordan


Sermons By David Wilkerson
================================================================================

A Call to Anguish, 05.01.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/sermons/david_wilkerson/2003/call_to_anguish

Crisis Praying, 09.26.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2615

Living Without Fear, 01.25.08
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2640



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more sermons by David Wilkerson visit our Pulpit Series Newsletters
[http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/pulpit_series_newsletters] and Sermon Media
Center [http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/sermons]

Audio sermons by David and Gary Wilkerson are also available via our audio
podcast in iTunes [http://www.itunes.com/podcast?id=294033386]

Connect with World Challenge [http://twitter.com/world_challenge] and Gary
Wilkerson [http://twitter.com/garywilkerson] on Twitter

Connect with World Challenge
[http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lindale-TX/World-Challenge-Inc/35064056893] and
Gary Wilkerson [http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=600330241] on Facebook

(c)2010 World Challenge, Inc.

You are welcome to make copies for FREE distribution or retransmit the
devotional via e-mail, but all devotionals must be copied or retransmitted in
their entirety. However, devotionals may not be posted on any website, printed,
or used in any media without written permission from World Challenge, Inc. Each
request is considered on a case-by-case basis. Please contact World Challenge,
Inc. using our online contact form [http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/contact]
or by calling (903) 963-8626

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To receive the HTML version of this newsletter send a blank email to
sympa@lists.worldchallenge.org with the subject "set devotions-en html". Do
not include the quotes.

To receive the multipart (text & HTML) version of this newsletter send a blank
email to sympa@lists.worldchallenge.org with the subject "set devotions-en
mail". Do not include the quotes.

To unsubscribe from this mailing list send a blank email to
devotions-en-unsubscribe@lists.worldchallenge.org or unsubscribe online
[http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/wc/mailing_list/unsubscribe].

To subscribe to this mailing list visit our online subscription screen
[http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/wc/mailing_list/subscribe].

Lighter

Read an interesting quote but I'm not sure who it originated with : "life is like photography, it is developed by negatives".

Today can be considered 'groundbreaking' in many ways. I had to confront so much including stuff I was no longer accustomed to. Hours of almost non-stop meetings and my brain is not as dynamic as I'd thought it to be.

It was just a brief foretaste of what is to come and I was forced to 'disclaim' the journey I had made. I am no longer so sure of my abilities and my supposed strengths. I used to be able to juggle with ease, now I fear to drop the balls. Obsession masqueraded as drive and while I used to be dynamic, now I'm just happy to not trigger an eruption of too many things at ago.

Over the past two years, I've had to re-organize my priorities and slay many golden calves that I'd erected in place of the throne of the only true God. While the journey has been fraught with pain and despair, having had to come to the end of myself and doubting everything I thought I knew, I do not regret it and deem it necessary. I do not think it was the devil like I used to. The enemy is an opportunist and while it would be in his nature to capitalize on my archilles' heel with temptations, I truly think God orchestrated all this because He loves me. He had to show me the conceit, the ruthless ambition, the self-righteousness that reigned in place of Him. He had to strip me of my strengths so that I will lean on only Him alone. He had to endure malignment of His character from a beloved child He gave everything for the joy that she will one day see the light and step into His plan for her life.

Like David, Jeremiah, Job and Elijah, I had ranted in my despair. I had determined in my heart never to be 'sold out' for God because the lot I get in return does not commesurate. Now, in His light, every opportunity I had to give, was His opportunity to give to me. Sometimes, it was a lesson to strengthen my character, an insight to gain wisdom, other times, a glimpse of His character. Unlike them though, I was never that 'sold out' for Him. I was not a man after His own heart or a young prophet called to proclaim a truth that had zero mass appeal. I did not stay faithful in the face of complete utter worldly ruin and I did not protect His glory in the face of strong opposition.

But that's me :Unprofitable servant and Beloved child that He went to calvary for. Ironically, this apparent dichotomy will forever define me.

Fw: Playing improvised tic tac toe with wedding decor at a wedding while waiting for bride and groom. :)

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

28 oceans

December 7, 1982.

The day I'll forever be thankful for.

We had a lovely weekend of celebrations and I can't thank God enough for His gift of friendship through so many precious ones that have become like family. The brotherhood in Him is such a glorious tapestry, interwoven with His love. Such a glorious masterpiece.

So glad he enjoyed himself despite the tiredness. The feasting was great but the company was even better. We also probably stuffed ourselves with enough japanese food for the next 6 months.

Now we're on the way to cross into another season, sail across another ocean together. I'm excited because of who I have with me to take this journey with.

Happy Birthday my dearest husband. Love you so much.

Tis the season for toffee nut lattes.

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

I'm letting go.

For someone who isn't exactly the epitome of cheery, I have a significant bit of lines on my face that suggest otherwise. The crow's feet around my eyes are getting more pronounced. This is slightly ironic as I really don't remember smiling much (sincerely at least) If these were obtained due to my patronizing obligatory smiles and nods....it wouldn't be worth it.

On another note, I'm a lot more 'zen' now regarding the situation. Perhaps God is really stripping me apart layer by layer to expose the idols I've erected to worship in place of Him. Upon examining my own heart, I really can't say that it isn't true and if I were God, no matter how painful, I'd do it too.

I'll take it as a season of detox as He sorts through the deep layers embedded in my heart. In the meantime, I'll learn (hopefully) to fear nothing except Him and to have no other throne in my heart except His.

Uncertainty is the surest certainty but it's the hardest concept to grasp as I crave for stability, predictability and well, certainty. But life is an adventure that I cannot afford to miss. I just hope I'm buckled tightly in His grace and beyond that, let His will be done in my life. I'm letting go.

Mule

Stubborness is akin to only listening and agreeing with yourself, dismissing everyone else.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Boy having fun at science centre

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Uphill trek with no peak in sight

I'm evaluating my options and even though there doesn't seem to be many, it's taking me an awful long time.

What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?

It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.

I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.

I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.

If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.

If I could, I'll simplify me.

Mistaken

I am always shocked when I realize that I'm mistaken about people. I've never been naïve enough to 'believe the best' but neither am I overly cynical (I think).

So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.

On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.

I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

5.49 am

So this is how the early morning looks/feels like.

The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.

I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.

Almost 2011

I can't decide what to feel about the fast depleting 2010.

On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.

But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.

This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.

I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?

Reboot please

It could have been a very romantic evening with the gentle cool breeze, a souvenir from the passing showers.

It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.

Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.

Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?

Mount Merapi

I'm not happy.

But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.

In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.

And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.

Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.