"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Vulnerability
Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...
Monday, October 11, 2010
Alive!
Just a short note to prove I'm alive.
Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.
There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.
This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)
There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.
I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).
Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.
There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.
This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)
There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.
I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
How did we get here?
Has it been a crazy month or what?
Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.
We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.
Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.
I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.
Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.
We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.
Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.
I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Repentance
I just had an epiphany of sorts.
Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.
Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?
I didn't.
The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'
Yet, I so often do.
I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.
Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.
Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?
I didn't.
The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'
Yet, I so often do.
I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Where joy and sorrow meet
Death for a christian starts at the cross when we die with Christ and rise again with Him.
Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.
I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.
Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.
I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lessons garnered
1)You are more aware of the fragility of life and come to terms that you are not all that invicible.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.
2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.
3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.
4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.
5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.
2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.
3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.
4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.
5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Lunch time musings
Psalms 143: 12
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.
Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.
They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.
My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.
I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.
My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.
Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.
They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.
My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.
I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.
My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Rough patch
It's been rough and just last week, I was bemoaning that the GPS of my life seems to have lost signal. Some days, the cloud shrouding my thoughts are so thick I can't see past it and I just let my emotions sink like quicksand.
I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.
Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.
I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.
I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.
However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.
Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me
-Corrine May, Will you remember me
I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.
Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.
I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.
I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.
However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.
Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me
-Corrine May, Will you remember me
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Morbid
Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.
I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.
I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.
I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.
It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.
I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.
"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.
I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.
I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.
I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.
It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.
I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.
"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I am still alive.
I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.
It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.
There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.
**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.
Disturbing eh?
I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.
It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.
There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.
**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.
Disturbing eh?
I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.
Old wound
20 minutes ago, I relived the stung of a friendship gone terribly sour.
Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.
This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.
Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)
But really, how could you not.
And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.
Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.
This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.
Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)
But really, how could you not.
And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
A fork in the road
Had an extremely intense 'sliding doors' dream last night which is still haunting me many hours after I woke up.
In short, I questioned someone who seemed to know me very well if I'd chosen differently and waited, how would it really have been?
He pondered for a mere second before replying that I wouldn't. There was no room for me to have clung on, compromised on my convictions. The sum of me and all that I have been made up of would still weigh heavier than the temporal lure of the other options. And even IF I'd stubbornly refused to choose what is right and follow the lure of least resistance, somehow he knew God wouldn't allow it. That He would be gracious enough to either jolt me back or leave me with just one option. The initial display of two options is to expose my own inclinations to choose something outside than His perfect will for me and present an opportunity to rely on him, to make the right choice.
I never thought about it like that. I thought I'd chosen it and credited myself a bit too much for the good that has resulted and the bad that was averted because of the apparent wisdom of my choices. As if it'd been my own wisdom to begin with. Hindsight always provides 20/20 perfect vision but I still failed to see who prodded and guided me along.
Hours later after the dream, while I was mulling over it and asking God, He gave me this verse:
Psalms 25: 12-14
Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose
His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.
thank You.
In time to come, I will be presented with a greater of palette of choices and come to other forks in the course that I'd travel. In fact, everyday will be a choice. And until my savior calls me home, I have to be reminded everyday that He is my choice and everyday, I choose to ''seek Ye first His kingdom and His righteousness'' before all other things.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
House keys
Has it really been 2 months already that I've had thoughts so fleeting that didn't settle long enough that I didn't document them here?
It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.
These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.
There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.
I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.
They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.
Bless the Lord for these friends.
I love you all.
It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.
These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.
There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.
I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.
They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.
Bless the Lord for these friends.
I love you all.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.
He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.
It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.
Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.
Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.
I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.
I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.
Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.
I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
John Waller-While I'm waiting
It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.
Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.
Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.
I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.
I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.
Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.
I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
John Waller-While I'm waiting
Sunday, February 14, 2010
i've cleaned out my ears!
what was said: raynard's going to be a dad
what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?
what was said: i'm going for lasik
what I heard: i'm going to malaysia
what was said: aloysius means warrior
what i heard: aloysius means boring
what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)
what I heard: take this brandy
the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The battle rages on
The war's not won.
Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.
Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.
It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.
I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.
Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.
Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.
It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.
I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Why
This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.
The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.
But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.
The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.
But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
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