a good friend will forgo her eyelash perming session even though she claims to have seriously straight eyelashes to come and accompany you in your house just because something strange happened (ie. locked from inside).
a good husband will eat the food you cooked. no matter how bad it tastes and still be thankful for it.
a good cousin will offer (sorta) to help clean your house because Chinese New Year is round the corner and you don't have the best house-keeping track record.
Whee!
Friday, January 15, 2010
!!!!
i told him that i feel i look quite stupid.
him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..
SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.
him: me too. it's ok
me:!!!you didn't even disagree!
him:no it's really ok, that's who you are but you aren't stupid what.
me: no!!!!
him: abit ditsy is ok..
SOMEONE TEACH HIM TACT 1101 without deleting honesty 9999.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
my incredibly slow day.
The last few days have been sluggish. I could do more work if I wanted to but inertia got the better of me and I remained ...sluggish. I finished all my work related duties by 3pm and was heading home from a meeting by 330.
I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.
Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.
I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.
On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.
I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.
So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.
Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.
I took the time to read. Rest was elusive even though I really should be getting more of it considering I don't get much good sleep at night with the blocked nose and heart palpitations. It's been too long since I got my hands on a novel and I buried myself in the paperback that consumed my time and emotions. I found myself smiling along and then weeping buckets as I flipped the pages. In 2 days, I was done with the book. I must say there was a strange relief that came as I knew my emotions would now be released when they were previously held hostage. But now, I wondered how to kill the spare time during this lull. I know I should draft out a more concrete expansion plan and continue to do the daily (mundane) operational staff. I also need to plan for the two more retailers that are coming up and the expanding lines in March with existing ones but my mind seems to be a blank.
Well, semi-blank technically but nothing I want to elaborate about here.
I could have tried harder but there were many flashes to yesteryear, quite akin to the flashes of lightnings I see late at night during the monsoonal December month. It just strikes the random patches of emptiness in my memory and fizzes out after. I thought about people, and how I'd treated them. There were those I felt particularly guilty about and especially when my actions have made them very bitter and shakened the testimony of Jesus. I want to say sorry but have no opportunity to. So I pray even though it hurts that somehow, He'll help them to forgive me, to release themselves from this pain anchored so deep within their soul and enjoy life again.
On a brighter note, I also think about my marriage and how rare and what a good thing we have here. It's almost extinct and even though we have our rough patches and ups and downs, most of it is sweet and good. He is the best fit for me and I thank God he was chosen for me even when I didn't know how to choose. He allows me to celebrate life and I am eternally grateful for him.
I know I should probably savour these moments before I get busy again on friday. Next week, the work is going to step up again before I head off to Bangkok for the weekend. But it seems like I always feel guilty for just resting and relaxing. Gotta work on that lousy 'must-do-something-all-the-time' mentality. So typically asian though, must be in my genes.
So tomorrow, I'll be engaged in very mundane stuff. Laundry, cooking, tv, prayer (extended) and maybe reply all the emails that my friends overseas have sent. It's such a 'granny' routine and I'm glad I have Jesus for company.
Looking forward to Friday! Chris and Nicole will be back from south africa after like 12 weeks and i can't wait to see her new baby bump.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
reflections thus far
I tend to be extra reflective during the passing of a previous year or birthdays.
I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.
Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.
At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.
I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.
While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.
This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.
I really want to make my life count. If tomorrow were to steal my last breath from me, I want to know my last moments were spent doing something worthwhile. Even if it was just the mundane chores of life, that I did my best and I wasn't just waiting for another day to pass, for the seconds to tick by and not living the moment, whether in joy or sorrow.
Now, 25 seems like light years ago and 17 (oh gosh) was like another lifetime altogether. Someday I'll look back and 30 would seem young. And in a flash, I'd be at heaven's gate with my life displayed before me, either in praise for a life lived worthily for Jesus or at waste like the unfaithful servant who buried his talents and did no good with it, awaiting a greater judgment and the ridicule of regret.
At 17, I thought I'd be changing the world and living it up by 25. Now, I'd be happy to be able to change just that world of just that someone. (For the better of course) I can't even check that off my list and I can't help but get a tad sad at that.
I feel alone at this juncture of life with very few (if any) that share my thoughts, ideals and visions except the husband. But here am I, led astray by the cares of this transient world into the temptation to seek all for self, under the premise that it's ok as long as I somehow still keep the bare minimal statutes of faith such as going to church, praying etc.
While I greatly despise those that live their lives carelessly (and this is very subjective so I wish not to elaborate), I realize that this attitude arose out of a pity of the foolishness that has overtaken very capable and able minds rather than believing I'm better than them. I'm no better and if not by the grace of God, can be caught in the some mire as them. To a great extent, I'm still pretty much stuck with nothing much to show for.
This year, I'll turn 27. I cannot freeze time. I cannot hold on to my youth. I cannot waste it.
Friday, January 08, 2010
my first post of 2010.
While I don't miss it and I'm not sure if I'll be back anytime soon, I'm very glad I went.
Nothing short of awesome this entire trip despite the fatigue and the cold.
We even had the opportunity to have a (not-so-friendly) debate with a polyseltizing soka member who spared no ammunition in damning other religions which he has 'tried' while exalting his own. I was no match for his machine-gun fast soliloquy and I left telling him that I'm sorry he didn't think Christianity didn't work for him. I told him that I just hope he'll one day realize that Jesus does love him and did go to the cross for him.
On the last day, after the worst blizzard that paralyzed traffic and the entire city in so many ways, weather reports warned further of level 5-6 winds which were commonly described as blades slicing your skin. We ventured out nonetheless, albeit cautiously andI prayed that as we steppedout, the winds would stop. Honestly, my faith was as miniscule as a mustard seed but that was all that was required right? Because the winds did stop. And we got out safe. Everyone was puzzled coz the weather reports were hardly ever wrong. I was humbled that the tiny prayers of an ordinary girl were answered by the almighty God.
Throughout it all, we were kept safe. Later that day, as we were leaving for the airport, we had a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel and testify to our tour guide who lapped it up hungrily. She too had some exposure to Christianity but never really made the choice to commit. I pray that the words we sowed into her heart that day germinate fast and grow into a steady strong plant that will never be uprooted or shaken. It was so uncanny coz the day before , I was just getting ready for bed and I felt led to pray for her. It's amazing how quickly God answers with spirit-led prayers and the very next day, an opportunity arose without us probing and she initiated the conversation in that direction.
Going to Beijing this harsh winter has shown me so much beyond the history and culture and touristy exposures. It breaks the momentum of my everyday life and interrupts it with snippets on how other people live and provides a peek into a lost world without Christ. The world is so much bigger than I know it to be and the lost is hungry. The harvest is plenty but where are the labourers?
I don't know if God will ever uproot me from this sunny isle where I was born but we're open. I met a guy who wasn't ashamed of his faith to shout it out boldly because he thought it was THE good news. This example alone puts many of us Christians who have the real deal to shame. We hide not just our talents but openly dismiss the call of the Great Commission while seeking our own hedonistic desires.
Where are our prayers really chanelled? Where are our lives heading? What are we living for? It took a non-believer to awake the hypocrisy within me that professes that I'm living for Christ yet having no deep interest of the souls He died to save.
God help me.
Nothing short of awesome this entire trip despite the fatigue and the cold.
We even had the opportunity to have a (not-so-friendly) debate with a polyseltizing soka member who spared no ammunition in damning other religions which he has 'tried' while exalting his own. I was no match for his machine-gun fast soliloquy and I left telling him that I'm sorry he didn't think Christianity didn't work for him. I told him that I just hope he'll one day realize that Jesus does love him and did go to the cross for him.
On the last day, after the worst blizzard that paralyzed traffic and the entire city in so many ways, weather reports warned further of level 5-6 winds which were commonly described as blades slicing your skin. We ventured out nonetheless, albeit cautiously andI prayed that as we steppedout, the winds would stop. Honestly, my faith was as miniscule as a mustard seed but that was all that was required right? Because the winds did stop. And we got out safe. Everyone was puzzled coz the weather reports were hardly ever wrong. I was humbled that the tiny prayers of an ordinary girl were answered by the almighty God.
Throughout it all, we were kept safe. Later that day, as we were leaving for the airport, we had a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel and testify to our tour guide who lapped it up hungrily. She too had some exposure to Christianity but never really made the choice to commit. I pray that the words we sowed into her heart that day germinate fast and grow into a steady strong plant that will never be uprooted or shaken. It was so uncanny coz the day before , I was just getting ready for bed and I felt led to pray for her. It's amazing how quickly God answers with spirit-led prayers and the very next day, an opportunity arose without us probing and she initiated the conversation in that direction.
Going to Beijing this harsh winter has shown me so much beyond the history and culture and touristy exposures. It breaks the momentum of my everyday life and interrupts it with snippets on how other people live and provides a peek into a lost world without Christ. The world is so much bigger than I know it to be and the lost is hungry. The harvest is plenty but where are the labourers?
I don't know if God will ever uproot me from this sunny isle where I was born but we're open. I met a guy who wasn't ashamed of his faith to shout it out boldly because he thought it was THE good news. This example alone puts many of us Christians who have the real deal to shame. We hide not just our talents but openly dismiss the call of the Great Commission while seeking our own hedonistic desires.
Where are our prayers really chanelled? Where are our lives heading? What are we living for? It took a non-believer to awake the hypocrisy within me that professes that I'm living for Christ yet having no deep interest of the souls He died to save.
God help me.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Of late
-Recently concluded christmas events with Tangs. Heaved a big sigh of relief and am thankful that sales results are very good.
-Pondering about 2010 and getting reflective about 2009.
-celebrated Christmas and our 1st year anniversary. cannot believe it's been a year. still in shock.
-heading for Beijing. The weather's mad. Just as I was seeking comfort in the fact that it's warming up, temperatures have dipped yet again and now the highest is -2 deg celcius. Lowest at -12.
-Looking forward to Jan.There's Bei jing , our staycation and Bangkok. All in a month. After a very 'labourious' year, they had to come all at once.
-setting goals for 2010 and wondering how to get there.
-successfully executing certain recipes..so Isaac's like really happy and full.
-Pondering about 2010 and getting reflective about 2009.
-celebrated Christmas and our 1st year anniversary. cannot believe it's been a year. still in shock.
-heading for Beijing. The weather's mad. Just as I was seeking comfort in the fact that it's warming up, temperatures have dipped yet again and now the highest is -2 deg celcius. Lowest at -12.
-Looking forward to Jan.There's Bei jing , our staycation and Bangkok. All in a month. After a very 'labourious' year, they had to come all at once.
-setting goals for 2010 and wondering how to get there.
-successfully executing certain recipes..so Isaac's like really happy and full.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Nomadic instincts
I am so sleepy but delivery beckons.
I want to go back to Hong kong.
Its strange how certain places away from home makes me feel at home. Wanderlust.
It's such a conundrum. I was born to travel and yet I feel strangely homesick every single time.
I really can live out of a suitcase forever, eat airplane food and sleep with a neck pillow without complaints.
I want to go back to Hong kong.
Its strange how certain places away from home makes me feel at home. Wanderlust.
It's such a conundrum. I was born to travel and yet I feel strangely homesick every single time.
I really can live out of a suitcase forever, eat airplane food and sleep with a neck pillow without complaints.
Perhaps perhaps
Of late, I've been having the ridiculous insane notion of returning to my studies.
I truly regret giving up my chance at Murdoch to pursue psychology when most of my freetime is spent reading psych books, commentaries and wikipediaing psych-related stuff. This also translates to my fanaticism over 'criminal minds' which focuses on criminal psychology and 'the mentalist' which employs the study of human behavior and criminal psych. (The latter is quite crappy but I follow faithfully anyway)
Infact, my psych textbooks are the only relics I keep from NUS. Despite being a history major. Today, I can remember more about the damage done to the brain's cortex during an episode of chemical imbalance than the American civil war. I want to try to understand various mental illnesses and be equipped with the keys to free the captives trapped within the dungeons of mental illnesses.
I don't know why I made the U turn back and don't know if it was God's hand at work. But I can't wondering 'what if'.
If things had gone the way I wanted, I might still be studying or be on a very very different course in life. I wouldn't be selling lotions and shower cremes. www.soothe.com.sg might be a website with resources to soothe the inner turmoils that afflict many souls. Everything will probably be not that too different from the now but viewed from different lenses. My business will probably not be related to providing bathing supplies for the body but to bathe the wounds left by the ravaging diseases of the mind.
Ah well, its a bygone era that I can't reclaim. Maybe I'll revisit this when my grandchildren arrive or try to re-enrol into university with my kids. We'll see. If ever.
I truly regret giving up my chance at Murdoch to pursue psychology when most of my freetime is spent reading psych books, commentaries and wikipediaing psych-related stuff. This also translates to my fanaticism over 'criminal minds' which focuses on criminal psychology and 'the mentalist' which employs the study of human behavior and criminal psych. (The latter is quite crappy but I follow faithfully anyway)
Infact, my psych textbooks are the only relics I keep from NUS. Despite being a history major. Today, I can remember more about the damage done to the brain's cortex during an episode of chemical imbalance than the American civil war. I want to try to understand various mental illnesses and be equipped with the keys to free the captives trapped within the dungeons of mental illnesses.
I don't know why I made the U turn back and don't know if it was God's hand at work. But I can't wondering 'what if'.
If things had gone the way I wanted, I might still be studying or be on a very very different course in life. I wouldn't be selling lotions and shower cremes. www.soothe.com.sg might be a website with resources to soothe the inner turmoils that afflict many souls. Everything will probably be not that too different from the now but viewed from different lenses. My business will probably not be related to providing bathing supplies for the body but to bathe the wounds left by the ravaging diseases of the mind.
Ah well, its a bygone era that I can't reclaim. Maybe I'll revisit this when my grandchildren arrive or try to re-enrol into university with my kids. We'll see. If ever.
The last pages of 2009
It's getting better and I can see the light at the end of this 6 week long tunnel.
I've been so busy I forgot to indulge in my annually whimsical, nostalgic end-of-the-year stock take on life. Instead of being mopey as I contemplate and get all introspective, I was veering towards physical and mental burn-out instead and hanging precariously off the cliff of sanity.
I suddenly miss certain people and wish I could give them a call. But I knew I wouldn't know what to say and also have to contend with their surprise because its been ages since they've even heard a whim from me. Especially if they're not even on facebook.
Just like that, I've been married for a year. And lived 26 years of my life. And still wondering where this bullet train called life will ever slow down for me to smell the roses take in the sights.
For someone who doesn't have many memories to fall back on to reminisce, I find it strange that I feel the way I do at this time of the year. While I miss the innocence, laughter and predictability of yesteryear, there is no way I'd go back even if I could.
Yet when I hang out with youths almost a decade younger, they bring out so much of me. In youth, we don't have the prerogative of hindsight and wisdom. In their pits, no matter how deep or shallow, they can't see the possibility of getting out of it. The 'defining' exams that threaten to seal their fates were the single most major thing. Depending on their results, it would be either a huge catastrophe or their passport to a somewhat eternal bliss. (Until the next big exam) I find myself laughing inwardly when I listen in on their conversations and try to follow their erratic train of thoughts, reminders that even though their landscapes are now renovated with ipods and various other gadgets, I've walked that very same road too.
It was a small world with fixed routes before you arrive at the great unknown and adulthood beckons and responsibilities increase. It was a world where your first love had utter dominion over your under developed heart. (and when you had to go separate ways, that same heart died) Where a single disagreement rocked like an earth-shattering earthquake. Where grades in school were determinants of success. It was a pre-historic time before life taught you to distrust, before fortresses were built around vulnerable hearts etc.
Today I'm just glad for the handful of friends I've been graced to grow up with and grow old with. That they are the constants I can fall back on when the world throws me with too much confusion and change. I miss them and hope to see them more often before life robs too much of our time together. I miss those who have fallen away for reasons I don't even remember anymore, whose friendships I once cherished so much, those who've known me enough to finish my sentences but didn't stay long enough to finish journeying life with me.
Like you said in my dream last night, "I truly ache ..."
Wish you well, whereever you are now.
I've been so busy I forgot to indulge in my annually whimsical, nostalgic end-of-the-year stock take on life. Instead of being mopey as I contemplate and get all introspective, I was veering towards physical and mental burn-out instead and hanging precariously off the cliff of sanity.
I suddenly miss certain people and wish I could give them a call. But I knew I wouldn't know what to say and also have to contend with their surprise because its been ages since they've even heard a whim from me. Especially if they're not even on facebook.
Just like that, I've been married for a year. And lived 26 years of my life. And still wondering where this bullet train called life will ever slow down for me to smell the roses take in the sights.
For someone who doesn't have many memories to fall back on to reminisce, I find it strange that I feel the way I do at this time of the year. While I miss the innocence, laughter and predictability of yesteryear, there is no way I'd go back even if I could.
Yet when I hang out with youths almost a decade younger, they bring out so much of me. In youth, we don't have the prerogative of hindsight and wisdom. In their pits, no matter how deep or shallow, they can't see the possibility of getting out of it. The 'defining' exams that threaten to seal their fates were the single most major thing. Depending on their results, it would be either a huge catastrophe or their passport to a somewhat eternal bliss. (Until the next big exam) I find myself laughing inwardly when I listen in on their conversations and try to follow their erratic train of thoughts, reminders that even though their landscapes are now renovated with ipods and various other gadgets, I've walked that very same road too.
It was a small world with fixed routes before you arrive at the great unknown and adulthood beckons and responsibilities increase. It was a world where your first love had utter dominion over your under developed heart. (and when you had to go separate ways, that same heart died) Where a single disagreement rocked like an earth-shattering earthquake. Where grades in school were determinants of success. It was a pre-historic time before life taught you to distrust, before fortresses were built around vulnerable hearts etc.
Today I'm just glad for the handful of friends I've been graced to grow up with and grow old with. That they are the constants I can fall back on when the world throws me with too much confusion and change. I miss them and hope to see them more often before life robs too much of our time together. I miss those who have fallen away for reasons I don't even remember anymore, whose friendships I once cherished so much, those who've known me enough to finish my sentences but didn't stay long enough to finish journeying life with me.
Like you said in my dream last night, "I truly ache ..."
Wish you well, whereever you are now.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
a really long weekend
so my body and immunity finally gave way today after subjecting it to very little rest. the body finally gave up and everything came crashing down like an endless torrent (of mucus) .
had a great day with Pete and Kel nonetheless celebrating Isaac's bday. So thankful for them hatching and planning the day which I felt awfully guilty for not participating much in as I've been working weekends, late nights etc.
Another highlight was Ade's wedding. After a gruelling 20 hours or so, it ended and I sincerely wish them the best in life ahead together as one. There were many laughs along the way to alleviate the fatigue and I'm glad it went well. Missed Ah belle though.
It led me to realise I've been nearly married for a full year myself. Where did time go?
Looking forward to the Christmas for some much required rest and to take stock of the year before and plan for what's ahead. Exciting plans but have to try to not get carried away like I so often have tendencies for.
In the meantime, counting down to our anniversary, christmas, bonuses, BJ and BKK. :)
had a great day with Pete and Kel nonetheless celebrating Isaac's bday. So thankful for them hatching and planning the day which I felt awfully guilty for not participating much in as I've been working weekends, late nights etc.
Another highlight was Ade's wedding. After a gruelling 20 hours or so, it ended and I sincerely wish them the best in life ahead together as one. There were many laughs along the way to alleviate the fatigue and I'm glad it went well. Missed Ah belle though.
It led me to realise I've been nearly married for a full year myself. Where did time go?
Looking forward to the Christmas for some much required rest and to take stock of the year before and plan for what's ahead. Exciting plans but have to try to not get carried away like I so often have tendencies for.
In the meantime, counting down to our anniversary, christmas, bonuses, BJ and BKK. :)
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
what's on my mind.
-black bean soup (been awhile since I last drank it. Grandma used to cook it so often)
-carrot,potato soup
-beef stew
-peri peri grilled chicken (the nearest nando's is in kl so I gotta find my own way)
-Assam fish curry
-Chap chye
ah belle, come back soon. u're the only one who will cook out with me.
-carrot,potato soup
-beef stew
-peri peri grilled chicken (the nearest nando's is in kl so I gotta find my own way)
-Assam fish curry
-Chap chye
ah belle, come back soon. u're the only one who will cook out with me.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Youth is wasted on the young.
Today I woke up feeling old.
It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.
It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.
I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.
My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.
Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.
It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.
It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.
I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.
My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.
Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
musing from the bullet train of life.
this year flew by fast. Soon, we'll be celebrating our first year anniversary as husband and wife! Praise the Lord for everything He has done for us.
The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.
On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.
I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.
And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.
Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.
The irony and mystery of it all.
The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.
On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.
I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.
And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.
Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.
The irony and mystery of it all.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Blindness
The trappings of the passing world can blind us so much until we are so caught up with self that we forget that there are multitudes besides us.
This isn't about social responsibility. I marvel at how we Christians, who lift our hands on Sunday in praise can go on to Monday with our hands stuffed into our pockets of comfort and shrug nonchalantly at the other catastrophes that beset countless others.
If there's a call to mobilize the army of God, then where are teh warrior who claim victory from the pulpits and pews but do nothing otherwise. No one fights a war sitting on their hands. Undoubtedly, spiritual wars should not be engaged by hands and feet but should be fought from our knees but there has to be a rising with His strength to step out to shine as our duty calls when gross darkness besets the earth. The church ahs a responsibility in these dark hours to shinein places devoid of color and hope and usher Jesus to the lost and dying. Its the golden opportunity of a moment here in history.
And these are my humble 2 cents worth as I continue to battle the flesh that also vainlessly cling on to the comforts I enjoy..Noting also that I'm but a single voice.
And pardon me if I turn a deaf ear to another lament on how there's not enough money for vain material pursuits when a 3rd world nation co-exists on the same planet. Some, right under our noses in this greatly affluent country.
I do have a personal vendetta against iniquity, poverty, sickness and injustice. And I've decided that I'll hate these more than I love my comforts and false securities.
The gods of this world has wreaked a havoc big enough for too long. I cannot wait for the day the church arises, not out of debris and dust but out of the dead weights of hedonism, in-fighting, greed and other lusts to join the revolution with heavenly ranks and win the world with and for Jesus Christ.
In the meantime, I pray and wait. and listen.
-I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waitingI will serve You
While I'm waitingI will worship
While I'm waitingI will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait-
While I'm waiting, John Waller (a man who waited 17 years)
This isn't about social responsibility. I marvel at how we Christians, who lift our hands on Sunday in praise can go on to Monday with our hands stuffed into our pockets of comfort and shrug nonchalantly at the other catastrophes that beset countless others.
If there's a call to mobilize the army of God, then where are teh warrior who claim victory from the pulpits and pews but do nothing otherwise. No one fights a war sitting on their hands. Undoubtedly, spiritual wars should not be engaged by hands and feet but should be fought from our knees but there has to be a rising with His strength to step out to shine as our duty calls when gross darkness besets the earth. The church ahs a responsibility in these dark hours to shinein places devoid of color and hope and usher Jesus to the lost and dying. Its the golden opportunity of a moment here in history.
And these are my humble 2 cents worth as I continue to battle the flesh that also vainlessly cling on to the comforts I enjoy..Noting also that I'm but a single voice.
And pardon me if I turn a deaf ear to another lament on how there's not enough money for vain material pursuits when a 3rd world nation co-exists on the same planet. Some, right under our noses in this greatly affluent country.
I do have a personal vendetta against iniquity, poverty, sickness and injustice. And I've decided that I'll hate these more than I love my comforts and false securities.
The gods of this world has wreaked a havoc big enough for too long. I cannot wait for the day the church arises, not out of debris and dust but out of the dead weights of hedonism, in-fighting, greed and other lusts to join the revolution with heavenly ranks and win the world with and for Jesus Christ.
In the meantime, I pray and wait. and listen.
-I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waitingI will serve You
While I'm waitingI will worship
While I'm waitingI will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait-
While I'm waiting, John Waller (a man who waited 17 years)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Waiting.
Yesterday's sermon in church was a solid punch straight from heaven. I've never heard something quite like that, so honest, so brutal , so righteous and so true.
Without a doubt, I started shedding tears.
Later in the day, I came across the sunday times article on the ''cagedog'' slums in HK which angered and saddened me. HK has always been a city close to my heart and the great Gini coefficient always appalled me. The dismay of the poor is so great and the poor are really so poor and forgotten. I can't imagine them slipping through the cracks of society into an eternal darkness without knowing Jesus.
Yet, this is also the city that produces a great proportion of billionaires, even more millionaires and has more LV shops than Paris itself. In fact, the biggest LV store in the world was previously in Hk (marginally overtaken by SG now).
I wonder if anyone is reaching out to these people and delivering the good news of the Gospel to them. I wonder if any practical aid is streaming in or are we all too caught up in the comforts of our own lives and various material pursuits. There has to be more than one Jackie Pullinger in HK.
I am willing to go and I've been praying about this for months but the flesh is weak. Here is my confession: that I think I'll get nauseous and throw up before entering because of the stench and my hyperchondriac tendencies might kick in.
But at the same time, I cannot help but feel great compassion for this group of the lost. And I know this compassion is not mine but from above. I can almost feel Him weeping for them as they wallow around in their mire of despair and hopelessness.
I don't know how. The flesh is so weak and I'm scared. I know the opportunities to partner with any group also haven't presented itself yet but I stay awake thinking of them. The nameless dirty faces that don't know Jesus as redeemer, savior and friend.
Praying that the Lord equips, strengthens and sends. At the end of the day, I want to be where He is and I know He dwells in slums and hospitals. Praying spirit overcomes the flesh.
Waiting.
Without a doubt, I started shedding tears.
Later in the day, I came across the sunday times article on the ''cagedog'' slums in HK which angered and saddened me. HK has always been a city close to my heart and the great Gini coefficient always appalled me. The dismay of the poor is so great and the poor are really so poor and forgotten. I can't imagine them slipping through the cracks of society into an eternal darkness without knowing Jesus.
Yet, this is also the city that produces a great proportion of billionaires, even more millionaires and has more LV shops than Paris itself. In fact, the biggest LV store in the world was previously in Hk (marginally overtaken by SG now).
I wonder if anyone is reaching out to these people and delivering the good news of the Gospel to them. I wonder if any practical aid is streaming in or are we all too caught up in the comforts of our own lives and various material pursuits. There has to be more than one Jackie Pullinger in HK.
I am willing to go and I've been praying about this for months but the flesh is weak. Here is my confession: that I think I'll get nauseous and throw up before entering because of the stench and my hyperchondriac tendencies might kick in.
But at the same time, I cannot help but feel great compassion for this group of the lost. And I know this compassion is not mine but from above. I can almost feel Him weeping for them as they wallow around in their mire of despair and hopelessness.
I don't know how. The flesh is so weak and I'm scared. I know the opportunities to partner with any group also haven't presented itself yet but I stay awake thinking of them. The nameless dirty faces that don't know Jesus as redeemer, savior and friend.
Praying that the Lord equips, strengthens and sends. At the end of the day, I want to be where He is and I know He dwells in slums and hospitals. Praying spirit overcomes the flesh.
Waiting.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
my little piece of heaven
If my life was an epistle, i hope that under the lenses of observers, you will see that God is good-to me, through me.
Suddenly, all the events that happened made sense. I see how His hand skilfully orchestrated all to build, to strengthen to demonstrate Himself in His infinite power when my finite power is utterly depleted. I'm sorry for the lamentations and the doubt. Thankful for the grace and mercy and the sweet blessings I've turned a blind eye to.
At the work front, I'm still amazed at how the expansion is going despite having started with a mere 5 loaves and 2 fishes. We are ramping up on our existing infrastructure to cope with the increased demand and trying to find new avenues to launch new lines.
I even had to slow things down by turning down/postponing projects as I simply couldn't cope and didn't want to compromise on the simpler but far better things in life. I know God did not give me this business for me to neglect friends and Him so I have to engage wisdom actively to embark only on the projects and the paths He leads me to, not everything that presents itself.
I'm humbled by the beginnings of this business and where it has been and where it is heading. Am not the least perturbed by the detour and the apparent disappointments in the delay of the shop because for once in a seemingly long time, I've learnt to trust again knowing His plans are the best and I cannot force my way through and expect no grief.
This journey is so precious as I learn to follow, trust and obey. Every step I take in obedience unveils His majesty and goodness even when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Even as I work, I need to know that money is my servant, not my master and God forbid it even stages any uprising in my heart and try to dethrone God himself.
I read an interesting quote in the papers today about money being like manure which has to go around for it to generate good. Something along those lines. Even as I depise debauchery and hedonism, I must take note not to judge the people in bondage to it because I've been there myself.
I've been really enjoying and savouring marriage. So thankful for him and us. So glad I married this one. I saw in a memo he stored in his phone "do something special for wife''. It's so typically him to say something like that and for that I just want to squeeze, hug and inhale him in.
I know there are problems and the daily mundaneness to go through. But I'm so joyful and thankful for these simple pleasures of life that cannot be bought.
:)
Suddenly, all the events that happened made sense. I see how His hand skilfully orchestrated all to build, to strengthen to demonstrate Himself in His infinite power when my finite power is utterly depleted. I'm sorry for the lamentations and the doubt. Thankful for the grace and mercy and the sweet blessings I've turned a blind eye to.
At the work front, I'm still amazed at how the expansion is going despite having started with a mere 5 loaves and 2 fishes. We are ramping up on our existing infrastructure to cope with the increased demand and trying to find new avenues to launch new lines.
I even had to slow things down by turning down/postponing projects as I simply couldn't cope and didn't want to compromise on the simpler but far better things in life. I know God did not give me this business for me to neglect friends and Him so I have to engage wisdom actively to embark only on the projects and the paths He leads me to, not everything that presents itself.
I'm humbled by the beginnings of this business and where it has been and where it is heading. Am not the least perturbed by the detour and the apparent disappointments in the delay of the shop because for once in a seemingly long time, I've learnt to trust again knowing His plans are the best and I cannot force my way through and expect no grief.
This journey is so precious as I learn to follow, trust and obey. Every step I take in obedience unveils His majesty and goodness even when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Even as I work, I need to know that money is my servant, not my master and God forbid it even stages any uprising in my heart and try to dethrone God himself.
I read an interesting quote in the papers today about money being like manure which has to go around for it to generate good. Something along those lines. Even as I depise debauchery and hedonism, I must take note not to judge the people in bondage to it because I've been there myself.
I've been really enjoying and savouring marriage. So thankful for him and us. So glad I married this one. I saw in a memo he stored in his phone "do something special for wife''. It's so typically him to say something like that and for that I just want to squeeze, hug and inhale him in.
I know there are problems and the daily mundaneness to go through. But I'm so joyful and thankful for these simple pleasures of life that cannot be bought.
:)
in brief
-some big purchases coming up. decisions.
-some new projects, expansions. decisions
-some detours. but not disappointed.
-good friend heading off. be back in 2 months. loss (albeit, temporarily)
-thankful for us. gratitude
-hooked on times square sermons (again!)
-farmville (:p)
-enjoying church tremendously again (:))
-backaches (treacherous)
-increasing workload
-one friend in love. :)
-granduncle's passing but home with Jesus
-learning cantonese. slow but progressing. (arduous)
-wondering where to go for holiday at year end. decisions
-wants to lose weight-3 kg? i need to fit into my old clothes (don't yell)
-growing intimacy with Him. (heaven)
-sanity despite the insanity around (in the cleft of the rock)
-love love love. (in love with Love)
-some new projects, expansions. decisions
-some detours. but not disappointed.
-good friend heading off. be back in 2 months. loss (albeit, temporarily)
-thankful for us. gratitude
-hooked on times square sermons (again!)
-farmville (:p)
-enjoying church tremendously again (:))
-backaches (treacherous)
-increasing workload
-one friend in love. :)
-granduncle's passing but home with Jesus
-learning cantonese. slow but progressing. (arduous)
-wondering where to go for holiday at year end. decisions
-wants to lose weight-3 kg? i need to fit into my old clothes (don't yell)
-growing intimacy with Him. (heaven)
-sanity despite the insanity around (in the cleft of the rock)
-love love love. (in love with Love)
Monday, October 05, 2009
Speak
Speak when u nudge my heart
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.
changing perspectives
It's been more than a month since my last entry.
Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.
I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.
My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.
I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.
I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.
I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.
but somehow like always, You'll get me through.
Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.
I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.
My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.
I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.
I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.
I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.
but somehow like always, You'll get me through.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Contentment
i think He is trying to re-engineer my thought processes so that I'll finally learn to think with sense and arrive and happiness, joy and fulfilment.
Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.
I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.
So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?
My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.
The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.
I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.
Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.
I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.
So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?
My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.
The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.
I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.
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