breaking the silence

i think the last weekend was such a surprising welcome respite from the dark. Praise God.

on Friday, I managed to drag myself to church to attnd Benny Ho's sermon at church. This is a revolutionary guy who echoes my sentiments and visions in many ways. I left with my heart searing with hope again and glad our paths coverge, albeit briefly.

Saturday saw us (zac and me) trying to do housework. He fixed me a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham etc and we proceeded to clean the house and do laundry. The highlight is really trying to rollerblade which failed miserably because I was so scared which resulted in a walk in the park connector. Somehow, we ended up from our place in Alexandra to River Valley!
With the endorphins cruising through my veins, I felt better and breaking a sweat helped tremendously too. Had a hearty appetite and we devoured pasta at ACP later.

Sunday was exciting.

According to P, they 'shamelessly' invited themselves over to my place for games and food. I was honestly had reservations about this since i was hardly in top form to entertain but i felt like i should go ahead. P might have sensed soem reluctance after because he msged and said 'are u sure its ok? you sound reluctant''. to which i replied, '' that is my dull sms persona. i am laying out the red carpet in anticipation,jubilation and excitement!" afterall, it was also j's last day in singapore and it would be nice to meet everyone again. we had so much fun. i never laughed so hard in such a long time and felt so at ease in a group context. with that, i concluded the best weekend ever.

we also learnt things we never knew, like w downloading the theme song of 'the unbeatables' etc. atmosphere was warm and lively. it was like being 17 again. isaac had a really good time too and he thought my friends were 'cool'. yea!

vday 2009

on a more positive note, i think i had the bestest ever vday. its so good i think i need to engrave it on my fingers or something. or note it down, here.

well, it being the best may have something to do with the fact that we barely have celebrations in the past FIVE years. but if that was the crime, he more than made it up this year.

surprises (that i actually didn't uncover prior to the actual day despite being in the same house), my 1st candle light dinner, all prepared by him. steak, wine, mushroom ragout. nat king cole, aromatherapy.

no flowers this year and i'm so happy that hes finally getting it. my heart will stop beating at the amount of money donated to florists for flowers i'm allergic to so that i can donate more money later to the doctor.

almost 6 years old this duckobell. but better today than it first began.

thank you Jesus.

the only way to age with grace

Call me what ever you want but as I was walking through Vivocity semi stoned today after my appointment, this song stopped me in my tracks. to be honest, i don't even remember where i stopped and i just cried.

i still don't know how to bring myself to talk about it or who to talk about it to. but i find myself shying away from so much, physically and emotionally. i look forward to coming home everyday to be with isaac and that really sums up my days these few weeks.

its like i don't know how to get out of this pit again and i can't remember how i got here. i don't remember the last time i watched tv, had a food craving etc. i buy things and leave them in places i don't remember. God has to save me. again.

but for now, i just want a watermelon. and isaac. but he somehow always ends up asleep before me.

You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find, your love is a pearl.
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
The world will turn, and the seasons will change,
and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
My only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.
When there are lines upon my face from a lifetime of smiles,
when the time comes to embrace for one long last
whilewe can laugh about how time really flies.
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies.
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will showthat you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.
The passing years will show that you will always growever more beautiful in my eyes

-Kadison Joshua , Beautiful in my eyes

you rock lor, husband

husband: in this marriage, you are the general, i'm the major
(before i got to even celebrate that statement...)
husband: you make the general decisions, i make the major ones.
me:....

**
11pm: goodnight (he goes to sleep)
1 am: upon entering the room, he is sleeping like a seahorse with legs on the bottom right and head on the top left. yes, he is almost diagonal.
i managed to move him..with prayer, groaning and supplication

4 am: i am left in the cold. he has conquered the duvet and used it as his bolster while the real boslter lay abandoned on the floor.

someone get me a new bed, new duvet pls.

**

report for life: marriage assessment etc.

i haven't been logging down my thoughts in this space because i just don't know how to anymore.

i can't provide a log of my feelings and chores that chronicle the first month of marriage. it is seriously not too exciting. there is a rojak cocktail mix of sweet bliss, frustration and even anticipation even as we step on each other's toes along the way, learning for the first time to live with each other.

our personal sleep habits alone are a fine example of how different we are. while isleep like a starfish, he sleeps like a seahorse in the middle of the bed. this is all fine except that we know have to share a bed and i come to bed later than him. so imagine my horror when i see someone sleeping in the middle!

also, apparently i have secret kick boxing tendencies so i've been elbowing and kicking him in my sleep. sigh.

apart from that, its really quite fine. so much so that i wonder where its all going and what next...

i'm asking what next for us, what next for myself in terms of career and growth and what next for ministry.

i don't know if i ihave any answers yet and knowing me, i tend to lapse into a kancheong state coz i must know everything from a to z. i feel like i must follow a perfect plan that locks me down to the minute. there is just not enough time these days. there's work, housework, friends , church and our own family time. it's like everything is crying out for our attention and while we would like to accord fair time to every aspect, its getting quite impossible.

running my own business is a challenge in itself. most would like to envy me for my 'flexible timing' but really it just means working overtime all the time. if i decide to give myself abit more sleep and start work later, i end up with a huge backlog and stress myself further. also, i need to put my brains to growing it to make it sustainable with the 5 loaves and 2 fishes i've got. it's like a baby that constantly requires attention and while it blesses me and makes me so so happy, it rarely gives me a respite. i'm stillwaiting on the lord for fresh instructions, for new doors everyday.

i'm learning life like never before. that its so multi faceted diamond and it reflects both exhilirating joy and excruciating pain. that every experience is so rich only because God is there. even in the pits. and the pits hold treasure only if you dig. that faithfulness is a rare gem in today's world. that i can't trust my own heart. that i am nothing apart from Him.

i would have read joseph's story again and judged that God isn't there given what he had to go through. but He was. from the pit/dungeon to the highest office in the country, He was there. and joseph is joseph only ebcause he lived through it all, with the Lord. we'll never know and fully understand until we reach heaven's door why certain things happen and sometimes it really wrenches my spirit but i just need to plow on, go on and trust in His loving heart towards me. some day i'll know. but in the meantime, i'll grow.

Sigh

I wish all would stop making fun of the outgoing president. You can laugh at me instead for feeling sympathetic.

History and the present has been critical but let's face it, it wasn't the easiest job in the world. And the verdict ain't over. There was Regan and Nixon who was just as slammed and people only came to appreciate the effect of certain policies decades later. History has not dished its final verdict.

And then you'd think they would wish the new president well. But as you speculate whether he is the anti-christ or right man for the job, the seconds are just ticking away and nothing is going to change that. He is going to take on the toughest job in the world. Right man or not.

So let's offer our prayers instead as he takes on the most difficult office in the world during the worst possible time and restrain our critical tongues.

Cut them some slack. You wouldn't have done a better job.

so far...

i think we eased into married life quite well but we're still learning and adjusting for most parts.

for the first week, it was so difficult sharing a bed and space. even with a king sized bed, i managed to edge out the husband by sleeping like a starfish and then robbing him of the duvet. but don't send your sympathies to him as yet as the fortunes were revised the following week.

we now have 2 blankets. space wise, we are managing better.

we're also learning to live with each other's idiosyncracies and bad habits. he has more to accomodate tho. as we learn to live with each other, we're really dying to ourselves. we're learning to put each other first and not insist on our own 'rights'. haha. for eg: purchase of shoerack: he thought our shoerack was too bug since he really only had 5 pairs of shoes. so i filled up the space for him.

he then never wondered if we had too much wardrobe space.

what he doesn't know is that there are still shoes and clothes at mum's that i haven't migrated over.

now that we're married, life takes on a different dimension. i still miss having mum in the next room and getting pampered crazy by her tho. i'm learning its not just about me and am learning to do housework, cook etc. housework can actually be fun in a strange way when you love the person you are doing it for and when it is ur OWN house. i complain here and there that its so tiring especially after work but i'm glad to do it. even supermarketing is uber fun as I course through the aisles going through item after item contemplating if he'd like to eat this and that...etc.

apart from that, what i wished it was my more vibrant social life back then. i could afford the time and money to hang out with friends after work but these days its harder as I have to manage housework too. it almost appears that my lifeline to 'fun' has been terminated but i'm determined to readjust it and have friends over at my place instead! it keeps our humble abode bursting with life. but these friends have to be people who can imagine away the mess and look away from the 'laundry room'.

so i'm so excited about getting more chairs for the butts of those i love. so they wont have to sit on our cold marble tiles. i do wish we had more space to entertain but we'll make do with this first and enjoy good cosy company.

MARRIED

i don't know how He pulled it all off but He did and we are so thankful.

Felt like clapping and dancing around!

it felt so surreal and magical. like how did we transpire from two strangers to who we are today? And the vows that bind us together forever are not just words. Its sucha miracle.

and it started to sink in bit by bit when people shout 'MRS QUEK!" or when i see the laundry.

hurhur.

Its been so wonderful. not just because of him but because of my friends. i can't describe it but there's alot of love oozing out of me now. gah!

even doing laundry together is fun and sweet. even ironing, packing etc. and of coz, watching little nonya together. :)


yes, life will get 'realer' and sometimes we'll rub each other the wrong way but thanks for seeing us through like You always have.

almost there!

Been at the table arrangements for what seemed like a millenium. I can't seem to sort it out and now even though I've thrown the white towel and decided to head to bed, I can't quite sleep. There has to be a formula to get around this one and I wish John Nash was around to help. Someone call Mr beautiful mind.

I'm determined to have fun that day. No matter what. It is my day and of all the days that I have ever lived and will ever live, I'll rejoice and rejoice and celebrate.

For years and years to come, we'll always commemorate the day the Lord joined us together as one. 27th December.

It's been a long wait, 5.5 years. But i just wanto shout ' WE MADE IT!!!"

the traffic controller

at a very congested street with parallel parking facilities the other day, my attention fell on this unofficial traffic controller trying to direct the heavily congested traffic. His simple hand gestures in directing traffic made it so much less stressful for the motorists who were typically to inconsiderate and not letting each other have their way. his face was etched with lines and his skin was like a shade of coffee, roasted from the long hours under the merciless sun.

so when the man stood there, without any endorsement of authority from anyone doing that, i wanted to salute him. it took him to evict chaos and restore order. it took the nobody and initiative in him to get us, impatient motorists in order. he did it with such gusto and dignity. that moment, he won my respect.

i found out later he did this out of his own initiative. my father proceeded to tip him, alongside with some other equally grateful motorists. however, there were some that behaved like it was their divine right and entitlement.

this guy was so poor. and he probably recently lost his job. as a foreigner, his options are even fewer and rights almost non existent. he took the initiative to do this and can only hope for the largeness of some hearts to appreciate and spare him cash in return for his humble duty.

i don't know why but when i saw him and remember his plight, i started crying.

people like him are meant to be recipients/beneficiaries of my business and the wealth we generate. yet, i'm feeling so down and out now i feel mocked by the cruel irony of it. the dream and busines model is still alive in me. it still is. the ends and objectives and what we'll do with the money still resounds.

i know that for as long as i'm breathing, i cannot live and enjoy all that He wants to give me without sharing it the destitute. and that is my destiny. i wanted to reach out so badly to this guy, buy him a meal or give him a bigger tip so he can send the rest home but i was still held back by my own.

i would like to believe that i could empty myself out for people such as him, or Him. but i still can't and am still bound by my own needs and concerns.

i'm still staring at the little bud wondering when it'll blossom. wondering when what You said will come to pass. most of all, i'm wondering if i can hold out long enough before You jump on.

how long is the road
how long is the ride
how long is the darkness till we get to the light

corrine may.

meltdown

i'm trying to gather every last remnant of strength as i stare in the face of the enemy of seeming impossibility.

i'd like to pride myself for standing firm, staying the course and hold it all together. but truth is, i can't believe its so hard. i didn't count the cost and now that i'm asked to pay the price, i'm standing at the counter, like the banks waiting helplessly for a bail out.

the cost is not just measured in dollars and cents. its the tenacity, the everything required. i don't know how many others make it appear so easy and they just breeze through life like they have wheels under their shoes while i trudge on with bloody feet.

save me, because i don't have strength anymore.

help me see You coz my vision is obscured.

speak, because I'm desperate and listening.

i chose this so i'm not going to complain or regret at how hard this is and how unrosy it all is. and in the meantime, am going to count the blessings that I do remember and enter in with thanksgving, even though i'm on my knees and not exactly jumping jubilantly for joy. i'm recounting past blessings so i rise above the drudgery of self-pity and see beyond my calvary.

right now, my heart is heavy. my soul is downcast. this is not the picture of a bride to be. but i'm soldiering on and i know 9 days later, all i've ever waited for will be there. and nothing will beable to get me down.

i'll charge for the altar, even on my heels and claim the 'prize'. this is round 1 of getting married. i cannot imagine how much more it'll be when i see my heavenly bridegroom face to face.

that's really all i care about. never mind everything else already. i'm just glad to get married before the end is here.

popping my head out of the hole

i've been so wearied out i just want to hide from all.

when i come home, all i'm asked about is the latest seating arrangement and how the house is etc. there are updates everyday and i just want a breahther. something else to think about and laugh about.

my phone rings incessantly from 9 am onwards with smses/calls regarding the above issues also. next week's schedules are also packed with such. i am so looking forward to the 27th so i can bid all these farewell.

i haven't been monitoring my bank account and i can't bring myself to look at it either. all these purchases actually cost money and i'm thankful that so far, we have enough. and i really don't have the grandiose faith to tide me through to be assured of super abundance now.

when i can steal a few minutes away, i'm really at the fork road trying to steer my flesh away from frustration and dismay to thanksgiving and praise. to recount the many things i have to be thankful for and the much more I will have though i do not yet see.

in times of great financial famine, i'm thankful that my business is still experiencing increase and although I want to seek greater expansion, I've learnt to harness ambition and wait on His perfect timing. Ok, I haven't learnt it. I'm learning it.

never before does it require more willpower to choose to worship and praise. yes, times have been hard and pressurizing before but this time, nothing in me wants to. there's a cloud of despondency somewhat and i need His spirit to come in mightily to dispel the cloud. but something inside me just knows I have to stick my head above it and make the choice to rejoice no matter what. to yield to His goodness and just know that He is God.

these concerns of mine show me really how little i still am. and how good He still is. and it teaches me to be thankful for what I still have and to crash at His cross to pour out all so that He can change it. i really don't know how long this journey will take but i'm willing to go through it.

in other matters, we've kinda been honeymoon agendaless. but we're taking our time and not going to sweat over it. (in due part because the wedding which happens before the honeymoon is not settled).

we had a list of 'shortlisted' places at first. after much deliberation...

we thought we finally settled on greece...then the riots broke out in Athens.
we thought we'll settle on Italy and enjoy venice. then the floods (apparently the worst in 26 years) came.
we thought about hokkaido. but refused because the yen is at its all time high.
maybe even a short one to bangkok but given the recent debacle which caused many travellers to be stranded in the airport, so that was thrown out.
then finally we realized we were down to nz and aust.(again!)

well at least we are getting free tickets to watch 'australia'. australia is familiar to both of us so i guess, we won't get (too) lost. and also, they speak english. and it is the first time we're both going TOGETHER. so i guess its ok..and the dollar is weak against the sing$ so it means more savings...so i guess, yea. italy/greece/europe/us, wait for me. sort out ur problems first and give us a call and send us a cheque when u're ready for us.

for some strange disgusting reason

lately when certain random pple find out that i'm getting married, they start to display interest.

so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.

i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.

i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.

hehe

MSN conversation

angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??

And i wonder why i'm not getting help.

a voice in the wilderness

in the flurry of endless activities, I have found time to sit at His feet and end up semi drowning in my own tears.

my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.

Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.

He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.

I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.

the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?

its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.

i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.

"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"

so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.

today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)

during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.

but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.

i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.

certainty in uncertainty

"..only be strong and very courageous.."

i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.

but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.

whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.

through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.

when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.

coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.

1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.

like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.

how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.

and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.

i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.

2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.

recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.

she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.

i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.

i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.

this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.

"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"

-in Christ alone

1.54 pm

yesterday was bad.

i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.

anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.

had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.

they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.

yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.

w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.

it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.

on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':

1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you

i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.

i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"

all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.

even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.

anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.

am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..

we'll see about that.

Questions

what do you really say to offer comfort to someone who've lost a child?

I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.

What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.

When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.

**

How to love?

I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.

If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.

Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.

How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.

Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.

but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.

you just don't write family off.

soldiering on.

it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.

Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.

I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.

so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.

work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.

i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.

i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.

And all that keeps me going. and going.

dilemma

on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.

I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.

so i'll just lack the former go.