lately when certain random pple find out that i'm getting married, they start to display interest.
so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.
i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.
i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
hehe
MSN conversation
angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??
And i wonder why i'm not getting help.
angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??
And i wonder why i'm not getting help.
Friday, November 21, 2008
a voice in the wilderness
in the flurry of endless activities, I have found time to sit at His feet and end up semi drowning in my own tears.
my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.
Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.
He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.
I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.
the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?
its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.
i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.
"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"
so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.
today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)
during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.
but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.
i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.
my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.
Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.
He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.
I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.
the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?
its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.
i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.
"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"
so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.
today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)
during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.
but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.
i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
certainty in uncertainty
"..only be strong and very courageous.."
i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.
but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.
whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.
through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.
when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.
coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.
1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.
like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.
how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.
and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.
i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.
2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.
recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.
she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.
i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.
i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.
this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.
"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"
-in Christ alone
i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.
but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.
whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.
through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.
when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.
coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.
1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.
like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.
how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.
and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.
i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.
2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.
recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.
she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.
i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.
i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.
this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.
"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"
-in Christ alone
1.54 pm
yesterday was bad.
i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.
anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.
had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.
they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.
yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.
w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.
it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.
on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':
1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you
i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.
i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"
all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.
even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.
anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.
am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..
we'll see about that.
i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.
anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.
had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.
they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.
yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.
w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.
it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.
on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':
1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you
i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.
i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"
all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.
even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.
anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.
am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..
we'll see about that.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Questions
what do you really say to offer comfort to someone who've lost a child?
I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.
What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.
When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.
**
How to love?
I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.
If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.
Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.
How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.
Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.
but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.
you just don't write family off.
I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.
What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.
When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.
**
How to love?
I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.
If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.
Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.
How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.
Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.
but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.
you just don't write family off.
Friday, November 14, 2008
soldiering on.
it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.
Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.
I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.
so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.
work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.
i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.
i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.
And all that keeps me going. and going.
Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.
I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.
so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.
work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.
i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.
i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.
And all that keeps me going. and going.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
dilemma
on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.
I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.
so i'll just lack the former go.
I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.
so i'll just lack the former go.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
when you can't shut them up.
people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.
i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.
but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.
its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.
just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.
i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.
i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.
i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.
but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.
its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.
just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.
i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.
i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
button you must wander wander wander
i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.
i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.
big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.
my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.
since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.
ok, impractical. toss thought.
**
looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.
ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.
i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?
i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.
also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.
i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.
as if she cared.
but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.
so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!
**
i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.
never mind.
**
feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.
if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?
if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.
more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.
where are You taking me?
i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.
big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.
my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.
since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.
ok, impractical. toss thought.
**
looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.
ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.
i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?
i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.
also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.
i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.
as if she cared.
but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.
so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!
**
i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.
never mind.
**
feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.
if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?
if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.
more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.
where are You taking me?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
in transit
while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days
HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.
after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.
after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.
i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.
i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.
i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.
most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.
but i'm ready to disembark and transit.
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days
HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.
after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.
after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.
i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.
i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.
i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.
most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.
but i'm ready to disembark and transit.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Theme on my heart for this week.
we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.
It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.
I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?
"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.
not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..
He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.
"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.
It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.
I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?
"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.
not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..
He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.
"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.
so who do we look to now
Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.
He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..
I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.
I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.
I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.
In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.
that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.
I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.
He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..
I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.
I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.
I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.
In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.
that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.
I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.
Monday, October 06, 2008
HKG-DAY 1
i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.
random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah
my passport had a my melody cover.
then..
i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.
then at the apartment..
i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.
on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.
back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.
i was zombiefied.
random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah
my passport had a my melody cover.
then..
i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.
then at the apartment..
i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.
on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.
back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
updates from the latest leg of the race.
Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.
Let me explain:
Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.
Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.
These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.
It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.
I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.
I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.
I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.
I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.
I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.
Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.
So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).
Following His cloud until it rains.
Let me explain:
Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.
Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.
These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.
It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.
I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.
I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.
I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.
I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.
I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.
Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.
So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).
Following His cloud until it rains.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
moving right along!
i'm so excited. i've finally learnt to move on despite any doubt/personal inhibition/rising opposition.
there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.
for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.
something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.
wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.
yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.
as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.
so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.
to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.
there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.
for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.
something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.
wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.
yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.
as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.
so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.
to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
fatigued.
i haven't been the same.
first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.
and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.
then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.
wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.
i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.
in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.
my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)
wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.
i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.
i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.
mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!
first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.
and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.
then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.
wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.
i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.
in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.
my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)
wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.
i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.
i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.
mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
announcement
back. and i 'd love to talk more about the trip and give everyone updates. except that my brain is still stuck in sleep mode.
and i'm reallytired.
and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.
and i'm reallytired.
and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
i don't know if i should be a fellow oyster.
me: remember not to accessorize /wear make up when we meet the Amish people.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
life without me!
so mei ling left tonight.
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.
i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.
what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?
melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.
its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.
it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.
i feel like doing that now. but i can't.
australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.
which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.
**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''
i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?
i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"
and all i could do was nod like an idiot.
apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....
this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.
i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.
what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?
melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.
its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.
it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.
i feel like doing that now. but i can't.
australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.
which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.
**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''
i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?
i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"
and all i could do was nod like an idiot.
apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....
this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'
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