i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.
was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.
then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.
now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.
next break scheduled: march 2008.
**
as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.
it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?
i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.
ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.
and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.
i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.
your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)
it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Star awards 25th year.
my mum is expressing deep regret for making me learn piano when i had clearly zero interest instead of singing. because while watching some star awards show, she just realized that i can sing themesongs of drama serials as far back as 1984.i cannot be more than a year old then.i remember EVERY single line of the lyrics. (somewhat) i also don't know how.
so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.
**
i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.
and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.
am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.
i don't know how much of this i can take.
so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.
**
i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.
and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.
am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.
i don't know how much of this i can take.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Grey
it's the strong themes. and the magic in every line that cuts into my soul.
i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/
anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.
i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/
anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Evidences of You
I feel your breath in the gust of wind
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption
Remember me this way
i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.
So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.
Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.
i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.
i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.
thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...
it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.
I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :
you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.
and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.
So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.
Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.
i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.
i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.
thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...
it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.
I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :
you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.
and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
a hesitatant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth
having trouble switching off my mind regarding work and it's making me admitting that i'm not as dynamic as i'd like to think i am.
my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.
i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.
where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.
the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.
these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.
**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.
there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.
isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.
i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.
i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.
my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.
i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.
where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.
the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.
these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.
**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.
there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.
isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.
i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.
i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
difficult
i'm dusting cares of the fragments of my heart so that i can give it to You again.
i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.
the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.
thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.
i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.
another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through
but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing
Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing
Mercy me-gotta keep singing
i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.
the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.
thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.
i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.
another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through
but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing
Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing
Mercy me-gotta keep singing
Sunday, November 04, 2007
impulses
2 cds- mercy me and steven curtis chapman.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue
my stress indicators.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue
my stress indicators.
homesick
i close my eyes and i see your face
if home is where the heart is then i'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
i've never been more homesick than now
mercy me
Friday, November 02, 2007
where do i begin?
plans changing in a split second. moods changing just as fast. confusion. fog. fatigue. joy. satisfaction. fulfilment. frustration. helplessness. hope. gratitude. dread.
that pretty much sums up my week.
in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.
this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.
i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.
call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.
i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.
tell me how?
that pretty much sums up my week.
in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.
this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.
i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.
call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.
i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.
tell me how?
Monday, October 22, 2007
flying daggers
There has been such a growing list of people to forgive of late.
Vindication can be one of the hungriest, most destructive ppetites we possess. Vindication is rooted in demanding our rights and justice for the wrongs done to us. But God says, " Vengeance is Mine". Itis His right, and it will cost us dearly to try helping Him out. When we do, God backs away from the sitution and lets us handle things in our own fleshly, accusatory ways. Unknowingly, we are actually coming into agreement with satan and hindering ourselves from experiencing the intimacy of Father's embrace. When we decide we had better do something to help God straighten others out, we are definitely in need of God helping us.
-Jack Frost- Experiencing Father's Embrace.
" To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil fr evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; f you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."
1 Peter 3: 8-9
I'll let what's yours remain yours. Sorry for trying to defend me, who is your charge too. While you're out fixing these crooked hearts , please remove the daggers from my back and keep me from attacking them from the front with spears.
there we go, mutual effort.
You promised a blessing when I choose to respond with forgiveness and grace. You know what this will cost me. Help me remember what I cost you- Your son on a cross. I really don't understand your Fatherhood enough. I really don't believe 100% that You'll be my shield and I have to guard my own interests. Remove all that obstructs the truth once again.
I value nothing more, not even my own vested interests than this relationship. I want to live it as it was meant to be and not try to be You. Even if your appointed time for vindication is not the same as mine. Give me the grace to respond right.
I'll still let you continue to run the show. Afterall, every David had a Saul. Every Joseph a 'band of brothers'.
Vindication can be one of the hungriest, most destructive ppetites we possess. Vindication is rooted in demanding our rights and justice for the wrongs done to us. But God says, " Vengeance is Mine". Itis His right, and it will cost us dearly to try helping Him out. When we do, God backs away from the sitution and lets us handle things in our own fleshly, accusatory ways. Unknowingly, we are actually coming into agreement with satan and hindering ourselves from experiencing the intimacy of Father's embrace. When we decide we had better do something to help God straighten others out, we are definitely in need of God helping us.
-Jack Frost- Experiencing Father's Embrace.
" To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil fr evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; f you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."
1 Peter 3: 8-9
I'll let what's yours remain yours. Sorry for trying to defend me, who is your charge too. While you're out fixing these crooked hearts , please remove the daggers from my back and keep me from attacking them from the front with spears.
there we go, mutual effort.
You promised a blessing when I choose to respond with forgiveness and grace. You know what this will cost me. Help me remember what I cost you- Your son on a cross. I really don't understand your Fatherhood enough. I really don't believe 100% that You'll be my shield and I have to guard my own interests. Remove all that obstructs the truth once again.
I value nothing more, not even my own vested interests than this relationship. I want to live it as it was meant to be and not try to be You. Even if your appointed time for vindication is not the same as mine. Give me the grace to respond right.
I'll still let you continue to run the show. Afterall, every David had a Saul. Every Joseph a 'band of brothers'.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Switchfoot - Gone
loved the song. but i love the homemade video by these rookies even more.
so cute.but don't miss the message behind the song though
Sunday, October 14, 2007
wardrobe is not bursting..
i was complaining to myself (and isaac) that i have no clothes to wear. esp tops. and its so hard to buy clothes now coz everything decent is so expensive and designers don't seem to realize the very real phenomenon of global warming and keeps featuring THICK heavy clothes in their collections.
so then tadah
i found a shop to acquire tops and went crazy there. bought like 6. then mum, not knowing i just did went ahead to buy like 5 more for me.
so now i won't be complaining that i have no tops to wear.
just bottoms maybe. or bags. or dresses. or shoes.
so then tadah
i found a shop to acquire tops and went crazy there. bought like 6. then mum, not knowing i just did went ahead to buy like 5 more for me.
so now i won't be complaining that i have no tops to wear.
just bottoms maybe. or bags. or dresses. or shoes.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
1 girl rebellion
communicating in silence
we speak volumes
Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)
rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.
i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.
Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.
maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.
i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.
i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.
and this is just one example out of countless others.
while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.
and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.
until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.
i cannot do without You.
we speak volumes
Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)
rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.
i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.
Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.
maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.
i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.
i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.
and this is just one example out of countless others.
while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.
and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.
until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.
i cannot do without You.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
if you like rojak, you'll like this post
invitation for home cooked meal that will not make you fat
when you come home after a tiring day at work, a warm hot meal really works wonders to your soul. at my house, you can expect the entire opposite. hence, grumpy me. if you don't want to overeat for dinner, let me know. i'll invite you over to dinner and taste my mum's cooking. all of you have heard it often, don't take my word for it.
try it for yourself.
**
volunteers to watch movie wanted
really want to watch Lust caution. esp so when its lee hom's first flick and i heard and read so much abt how amazing tony leung was. really showcased the best of his acting. i remember the soulfulness and depth in infernal affairs, 2046, heroes etc. and those really piqued my interest for Lust caution.
also, the romance and intrigue of an espionage film that was originally a novel is like a sure formula to arouse my interest. especially when it is trying to communicate an underlying message and is history personified.
**
plea for technology to slow down
i really struggled at the following junctures in life
-when the internet came about and became a regular feature in regular lives
-when 'alamak chat' was introduced and everyone in class was meeting there after school
-when everyone moved to IRC after i finally learnt how to use various commands to 'emote' in 'alamak chat'
-when everyone moved to ICQ when i finally even downloaded IRC
-when everyone moved to MSN and i had only a handful of friends on ICQ (i'll be forever thankful they stayed on. i was later told they only kept icq for me. because it was the only way to contact me)
-when everyone raved about friendster (i caught on when the fever died down. before that, i was pretending to be too cool for it)
-and now that friendster is well on track..YOU ALL ARE DOING THE FACEBOOK THING! (why?!!?) i managed to evade multiply but there was no hiding from facebook. it is a phenomenon. and even so, it was cali who set up the whole thing for me. to this date, i still struggle to throw a sheep. BAH!
-when i started this blog. ok cali set it up for me also. all i had to do was type and click 'publish post'
-when you all moved ahead and entered the realm of MP3. to this date, isaac rips cds and transfers music for me.
please slow down. for my sake. i'll stand up to facebook but no more after that ok?
when you come home after a tiring day at work, a warm hot meal really works wonders to your soul. at my house, you can expect the entire opposite. hence, grumpy me. if you don't want to overeat for dinner, let me know. i'll invite you over to dinner and taste my mum's cooking. all of you have heard it often, don't take my word for it.
try it for yourself.
**
volunteers to watch movie wanted
really want to watch Lust caution. esp so when its lee hom's first flick and i heard and read so much abt how amazing tony leung was. really showcased the best of his acting. i remember the soulfulness and depth in infernal affairs, 2046, heroes etc. and those really piqued my interest for Lust caution.
also, the romance and intrigue of an espionage film that was originally a novel is like a sure formula to arouse my interest. especially when it is trying to communicate an underlying message and is history personified.
**
plea for technology to slow down
i really struggled at the following junctures in life
-when the internet came about and became a regular feature in regular lives
-when 'alamak chat' was introduced and everyone in class was meeting there after school
-when everyone moved to IRC after i finally learnt how to use various commands to 'emote' in 'alamak chat'
-when everyone moved to ICQ when i finally even downloaded IRC
-when everyone moved to MSN and i had only a handful of friends on ICQ (i'll be forever thankful they stayed on. i was later told they only kept icq for me. because it was the only way to contact me)
-when everyone raved about friendster (i caught on when the fever died down. before that, i was pretending to be too cool for it)
-and now that friendster is well on track..YOU ALL ARE DOING THE FACEBOOK THING! (why?!!?) i managed to evade multiply but there was no hiding from facebook. it is a phenomenon. and even so, it was cali who set up the whole thing for me. to this date, i still struggle to throw a sheep. BAH!
-when i started this blog. ok cali set it up for me also. all i had to do was type and click 'publish post'
-when you all moved ahead and entered the realm of MP3. to this date, isaac rips cds and transfers music for me.
please slow down. for my sake. i'll stand up to facebook but no more after that ok?
Sunday, October 07, 2007
change is not the only thing that's constant
i still hate butterflies
i still hate insects
i'm still not a morning person
i still have a very low threshold for pain (physical or otherwise)
i'm still a stubborn unicorn
i still talk a lot. (some pple dispute that, they say i talk even more)
i still laugh like an ah beng
i still like hello kitty
i still speak my mind all the time. its called thinking aloud
i still trip over imaginary pop up tiles.
i still am allergic to technology
same what?!
i still hate insects
i'm still not a morning person
i still have a very low threshold for pain (physical or otherwise)
i'm still a stubborn unicorn
i still talk a lot. (some pple dispute that, they say i talk even more)
i still laugh like an ah beng
i still like hello kitty
i still speak my mind all the time. its called thinking aloud
i still trip over imaginary pop up tiles.
i still am allergic to technology
same what?!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
letting
let your cross define my life
let your will be the centre of mine
let my soul love and thrive
let my heart be your shrine
let our desires be in sync
let your promises be all i cling
let my no be no, yes be yes
let me surrender all my cares
let your spirit have its way
let me give all the say
let my words be very few
uttered only to glorify you
let your rest in me reside
let me in your love abide
let my all rest on your altar
let your wings be my shelter
DON'T let me go.
let your will be the centre of mine
let my soul love and thrive
let my heart be your shrine
let our desires be in sync
let your promises be all i cling
let my no be no, yes be yes
let me surrender all my cares
let your spirit have its way
let me give all the say
let my words be very few
uttered only to glorify you
let your rest in me reside
let me in your love abide
let my all rest on your altar
let your wings be my shelter
DON'T let me go.
Memories
ok these things seriously make me cry and dry up. a song written by a man deeply in love with his wife of over 2 decades. and i had the honor of hearing it live.
i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life was a mystery
there's no place on earth we'd rather be
moving up, goin through some changes
storing up the memories
then you gave me the light of my life
i always gave the best that i could give
sometimes it never seemed like enough
but we never quit when the going got tough
do you remember the way it used to be
never counting the cost it was a matter of trust
covenant cut were lovers for life
i still bear the scars do you still carry the knife (haha)
i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life's still a mystery
there's no place on earth that we'd rather be
this is my life and i'm passing on my memories
**
attended a beautiful wedding today and i just cried and cried. by now i'm sure all are convinced God has a private cellar of tears in heaven reserved solely for me.
just as it is often widely preached that love is a decision, i think to withdraw the love is also a decision. and both aren't easy.
i think it is a miracle of heaven today that i witnessed when a man and woman become one in heaven's eyes. sometimes when i see myself walking down the never-ending aisle , resplendent in a glory that cannot be earthly and i see Jesus at the end of the line waiting. this image has replayed itself a thousand times in my mind but i'm always walking down the aisle.
i know He is waiting in anticipation but i need so much grace just to finish the course and finish it well. i'll run the race not only for the prize. wait for me.i'll get there.
**
i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life was a mystery
there's no place on earth we'd rather be
moving up, goin through some changes
storing up the memories
then you gave me the light of my life
i always gave the best that i could give
sometimes it never seemed like enough
but we never quit when the going got tough
do you remember the way it used to be
never counting the cost it was a matter of trust
covenant cut were lovers for life
i still bear the scars do you still carry the knife (haha)
i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life's still a mystery
there's no place on earth that we'd rather be
this is my life and i'm passing on my memories
**
attended a beautiful wedding today and i just cried and cried. by now i'm sure all are convinced God has a private cellar of tears in heaven reserved solely for me.
just as it is often widely preached that love is a decision, i think to withdraw the love is also a decision. and both aren't easy.
i think it is a miracle of heaven today that i witnessed when a man and woman become one in heaven's eyes. sometimes when i see myself walking down the never-ending aisle , resplendent in a glory that cannot be earthly and i see Jesus at the end of the line waiting. this image has replayed itself a thousand times in my mind but i'm always walking down the aisle.
i know He is waiting in anticipation but i need so much grace just to finish the course and finish it well. i'll run the race not only for the prize. wait for me.i'll get there.
**
Thursday, October 04, 2007
the mending and uncle david
blade of lies
cuts like knives
tears the flesh
merciless lash
forget the fallen things
let Him mend your broken wings
find grace at His throne
for that is your Home
find strength to release
in forgiving, find peace
there is a gift
your father has lovingly prepared
precious, genuine and rare
a prince with a heart after His
to share life with you and eternal bliss
his heart you will inhabit
there'll be a heavenly deposit
of His love for you in him
to love you right
his heavenly bride
He'll turn your ashes to beauty
you'll be free
from this hurt and pain
in earthly losses you'll find heavenly gain
i've been there,
so don't despair
He never fails, even when they do
His heart is still full of you
so rejoice as He bottles your tears
soon your mourning will turn to joy
His love will sublime your fears
then get ready
to meet that boy
for my friend who broke her heart today. don't bother picking up the shattered bits. get a new heart.
**
on a lighter note,
mum: wah, that david's son writes very well.
me: which david?who's david's son?
mum: solomon lor!
yes, my mum talks like we know him very well. oh, and solomon too. we're this close to calling him sol for short.
cuts like knives
tears the flesh
merciless lash
forget the fallen things
let Him mend your broken wings
find grace at His throne
for that is your Home
find strength to release
in forgiving, find peace
there is a gift
your father has lovingly prepared
precious, genuine and rare
a prince with a heart after His
to share life with you and eternal bliss
his heart you will inhabit
there'll be a heavenly deposit
of His love for you in him
to love you right
his heavenly bride
He'll turn your ashes to beauty
you'll be free
from this hurt and pain
in earthly losses you'll find heavenly gain
i've been there,
so don't despair
He never fails, even when they do
His heart is still full of you
so rejoice as He bottles your tears
soon your mourning will turn to joy
His love will sublime your fears
then get ready
to meet that boy
for my friend who broke her heart today. don't bother picking up the shattered bits. get a new heart.
**
on a lighter note,
mum: wah, that david's son writes very well.
me: which david?who's david's son?
mum: solomon lor!
yes, my mum talks like we know him very well. oh, and solomon too. we're this close to calling him sol for short.
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