Jesus loves collecting trash and i'm among His choice trash collection.
reached a point whereby i've nothing absolutely nothing to offer Him. even the heart that He seeks after is in smitherines. i don't know what else can possibly catch His eye but He sure has weird taste.
the last bit of me has been emptied out and i don't know who i am truly for the first time. i don't know what i'm supposed to be, who i'm supposed to be at all. i've lost every marker indicative of what my identity should be. it is the first time in my life that i'm truly taking on the identity of Christ. for so many years, sadly, it was all but a theory i lived by. coz there is no real transfer and ownership of that identity until you've been emptied out.
and i don't know but i feel such exhilarating joy.it makes no sense. its like being born again. i feel every fear FLEE. not just ebb away. its like cloud 9 just that Hez riding on the clouds with me. either that or i've gone completely completely bonkers. i feel like a 16 year old in love. giggly.
***
Jesus set out to collect a bouquet of flowers for me many years ago. He handpicked every single flower. i have such an awesome group of friends its unbelievable. i just want you girls to know how beautiful you are in His eyes and mine. so blessed.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
take my life and let it be
by Frances R. Havergal, Feb 1874
take my life and let it be, consecrated, Lord, to Thee
take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise
take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of thy love
take my feet, and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee.
take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
take my lips, and let them be, fill with messages from Thee
take my silver and my gold; not a mite would i withhold
take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine
take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne
take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure store
take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
take my life and let it be, consecrated, Lord, to Thee
take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise
take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of thy love
take my feet, and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee.
take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
take my lips, and let them be, fill with messages from Thee
take my silver and my gold; not a mite would i withhold
take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine
take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne
take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure store
take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Friday, March 31, 2006
realization
i feel a little bit scared knowing that He is so in charge. when every detail has His thumbprint.
-the end-
i finally laid the book to rest. i don't think i can bring myself to pick it up anytime soon. it reduced me to tears and not in the way a movie did, not in the way hurt and pain did. it was more to that. i felt like i lived her 68 years, all in two days.
i've been reading her biography non stop. prior to that i've been reading whatever information i could lay my hands on her on and off.
i don't even think i can sleep. i gaped in awe.i cried. i stood in shock. such was the person God chose. i'm sorry i did. i expected so much more of her person. i expected some sort of standard..i don't know if it was a moral standard or what but yardsticks are not necessary anymore.God is bigger that i ever thought after reading about her life. possibly bigger than she ever imagined.
i don't think i can ever align any life i know against hers. hers is too unique and beyond comparison. i don't think i can ever speak of anyone again. such is life. its so complex. the intermingling of the frailty of humanity with the almighty omnipotence of a sovereign God. i don't think any amount of words can aptly describe and explain the mystery.
just like how i'll never find anyone with the same fingerprints as mine, i'll never find a character as unique as hers. i still respect her, because she paid the price she deemed it was necessary. i doubt i would ever have the strength to do the same. i'm sure God honored her sacrifice tremendously. it was everything she ever had.
and lately its the topic of sacrifice that has been on my mind. and heart. that sacrifice speaks of love and you cannot love without sacrificing. you just can't. even all the conditions were in perfect place, you'd still have to sacrifice if you truly love. its something love compels you to do. its not determined by circumstances but compelled by love.
the degree of sacrifice is directly related to the degree of love. love always has a funny way of presenting itself plenty of opportunities to sacrifice. perhaps its all for self expression. all for proof that the love is authentic. at the end of the day, its not just the words that are said. its the deeds that are done. love is only love when its been given. you keep it in your heart, its as good as dead.
i can never talk about where i've given, how i've sowed and how i've served again. i can never talk about a ministry again. i can never talk about the pain of giving up anything i love again to obey. i cannot. i'm not even sure why God still loves me. love is truly not a boomerang. He sent all His love towards me but i can only reciprocate with that paltry amount. howthat unreciprocated love must have hurt him...i can't bear to imagine.
i've been reading her biography non stop. prior to that i've been reading whatever information i could lay my hands on her on and off.
i don't even think i can sleep. i gaped in awe.i cried. i stood in shock. such was the person God chose. i'm sorry i did. i expected so much more of her person. i expected some sort of standard..i don't know if it was a moral standard or what but yardsticks are not necessary anymore.God is bigger that i ever thought after reading about her life. possibly bigger than she ever imagined.
i don't think i can ever align any life i know against hers. hers is too unique and beyond comparison. i don't think i can ever speak of anyone again. such is life. its so complex. the intermingling of the frailty of humanity with the almighty omnipotence of a sovereign God. i don't think any amount of words can aptly describe and explain the mystery.
just like how i'll never find anyone with the same fingerprints as mine, i'll never find a character as unique as hers. i still respect her, because she paid the price she deemed it was necessary. i doubt i would ever have the strength to do the same. i'm sure God honored her sacrifice tremendously. it was everything she ever had.
and lately its the topic of sacrifice that has been on my mind. and heart. that sacrifice speaks of love and you cannot love without sacrificing. you just can't. even all the conditions were in perfect place, you'd still have to sacrifice if you truly love. its something love compels you to do. its not determined by circumstances but compelled by love.
the degree of sacrifice is directly related to the degree of love. love always has a funny way of presenting itself plenty of opportunities to sacrifice. perhaps its all for self expression. all for proof that the love is authentic. at the end of the day, its not just the words that are said. its the deeds that are done. love is only love when its been given. you keep it in your heart, its as good as dead.
i can never talk about where i've given, how i've sowed and how i've served again. i can never talk about a ministry again. i can never talk about the pain of giving up anything i love again to obey. i cannot. i'm not even sure why God still loves me. love is truly not a boomerang. He sent all His love towards me but i can only reciprocate with that paltry amount. howthat unreciprocated love must have hurt him...i can't bear to imagine.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
words unspoken are words forgotten
so i realised that each of us choke up with so many words inside us but we never find the right audience. or we just don't dare to be honest enough. but who's to blame? the world is too judgmental and it's just too wrong sometimes. but the yardstick for right is always impossible to reach anyway.
i know a friend, a dear friend who kept so much choked inside its a wonder this friend stays alive. worse than me. i bottle up a lot but i always somehow explode. i'll always manage to find a human audience, be it in a stranger or a friendso far flung from my life (for security reasons) or just someone i know who wouldn't judge and would understand.
my friend never got to say those words because for a moment of relief and vent, it could cost a lot of hurt to other people. and my friend stayed true to the course and as far as i know, no one knows the secret. its one of the best kept secrets. until i found out.
because no matter how hard anyone tries to hide anything, it'll come out in other things. human beings are just so fallible and weak. will never triumphs. truth does. i cannot confront said friend . i don't have the heart to. it's none of my business anway. and i know i'd only meet with vehement denials if i even ask. and it happened way too long ago for me to bring it up outta the blue. i'll keep it a secret too. not mine but i will. my friend will not read this blog but my friend will know i found out. somehow, it'll just show. its like that. you cannot bring yourself to say it but you hope someone will see it, guess it..and den u unconciously confirm it. its like that. and how you did it, you cant even remember. life is a mystery.
deep down, everybody wants to be heard.
which is why i keep this blog. although its been two years and i still cant bring myself to tell more than 10 pple the address. its ironic.
i know a friend, a dear friend who kept so much choked inside its a wonder this friend stays alive. worse than me. i bottle up a lot but i always somehow explode. i'll always manage to find a human audience, be it in a stranger or a friendso far flung from my life (for security reasons) or just someone i know who wouldn't judge and would understand.
my friend never got to say those words because for a moment of relief and vent, it could cost a lot of hurt to other people. and my friend stayed true to the course and as far as i know, no one knows the secret. its one of the best kept secrets. until i found out.
because no matter how hard anyone tries to hide anything, it'll come out in other things. human beings are just so fallible and weak. will never triumphs. truth does. i cannot confront said friend . i don't have the heart to. it's none of my business anway. and i know i'd only meet with vehement denials if i even ask. and it happened way too long ago for me to bring it up outta the blue. i'll keep it a secret too. not mine but i will. my friend will not read this blog but my friend will know i found out. somehow, it'll just show. its like that. you cannot bring yourself to say it but you hope someone will see it, guess it..and den u unconciously confirm it. its like that. and how you did it, you cant even remember. life is a mystery.
deep down, everybody wants to be heard.
which is why i keep this blog. although its been two years and i still cant bring myself to tell more than 10 pple the address. its ironic.
where my heart burned
ive always been a kaypoh when it comes to certain personalities. i get super obsessed over them and i find myself surfing about them, reading autobiographies/biographies etc. i'd do endless research read interviews by them, interviews about them. whatever it takes to quench that curiosity. so nothing delights me more than a gift of the only authorized biography of a woman whose life and ministry ive always been intrigued by. that being said, i'm only interested in SOME personalities and it takes knowing me to find out who. nono to autobiographies of paris hilton pam anderson etc....
the people that im obsessed abt are usually dead and christian. when i read them and about them, it is as if i trace the hand of God over them. its as if i can only see it from God's perspective, past them human faults and failures, past their sheer humanity alone and see how God can still come in, work past all that to come up with something spectacular and new.
and i see not just the works of God but the heart of God. that it truly is no respector of persons. that his mercy is not just for the saintly but for the utter sinners. for those that the world classifies as 'beyond redemption'. beyond the arms of grace. but if i may quote isaiah...is His arm shortened that He cannot save?
through the lives of the many that i've tirelessly kaypohed over, apparently not. i've become not just an awed spectator but an awed judge. i can't judge them for some of their acts of utter stupidity and their acts of rebellion towards a loving God (as i have done so myself) but i can only judge God as truly patient long suffering loving and gracious. that He is first and foremost a father who happens to be God. and not God first and then father.
its in their lives i see God again. i see that He is truly personable and truly involved. it never fails to amaze me how he can gather all of Himself and all of heaven to be so interested in one tiny puny life. and it gives me great hope.
be if kathryn kulman, billy graham to political personalities such as soong qing ling and sun yat sen, to celebrities like john cash and june carter cash (soemone whom i really cant find much info abt) to frank abignale...i saw the faithfulness of God especially in the unfaithfulness of man.
i feel especially confronted and vulnerable especially when i can identify with them. that moment i realise, as they probablyhave had, so many times, that we truly are nothing without Him. nothing. at. all.
no matter what they've done for God and how glowing their testimonials are of them, because of what i've seen and read, i cannot bring myself to put them on a pedestal. coz i know they would not have any of the man given glory. i'll let Jesus crown them himself. at the end of it all, (if theres an end indeed), their lives only served to point men to God. never mind that they had to sacrifice so much, and it was alot. some people don't seem to realise today that many great men and women had to give up ALOT just to follow God in the path that He determined for them. that some people, because much is given, much is required, they had to die a 1000 deaths just to be true to the message of the gospel. that they couldnt afford in one moment just to indulge inhuman passions and just expect God to 'bless their mistakes'.
i don't know if ican ever reach the place of complete surrender. that i can be so open to His will that no matter what He wants me to do, what He wants me to give up, i can say yes immediately and relinquish without complaint. and i no longer believe that if God asks you to give osmething up, it wun hurt. i have no doubt that He'll give u something better but i think very often, because u had to die to give it up, the hurt will be there and remembered. it will serve as a reminder most of all,that a death was required and you did die that death. i believe that is the same reason Jesus kept His scars. i believe that at least 3 in heaven will always remember the pain and agony of Jesus on the cross.
most of all, when i read about them, i realised that they refused to compare their sacrifices to God's ultimate sacrifice. and i am humbled. because really nothing compares to that. and i cant even bring myself to sacrifice ...something such as time.
i really cannot call myself a christian until i've been to the place of utter shame and depletion. that it is really His mercy and grace that we are even alive. that apart from that, i cannot live. theres really no other reason to lift your head unless it is to see Him.
and i'm glad He lifts my head to see Him and not just miracles and blessings.
i'm so happy...but how many of you know what i'm talking about?
the people that im obsessed abt are usually dead and christian. when i read them and about them, it is as if i trace the hand of God over them. its as if i can only see it from God's perspective, past them human faults and failures, past their sheer humanity alone and see how God can still come in, work past all that to come up with something spectacular and new.
and i see not just the works of God but the heart of God. that it truly is no respector of persons. that his mercy is not just for the saintly but for the utter sinners. for those that the world classifies as 'beyond redemption'. beyond the arms of grace. but if i may quote isaiah...is His arm shortened that He cannot save?
through the lives of the many that i've tirelessly kaypohed over, apparently not. i've become not just an awed spectator but an awed judge. i can't judge them for some of their acts of utter stupidity and their acts of rebellion towards a loving God (as i have done so myself) but i can only judge God as truly patient long suffering loving and gracious. that He is first and foremost a father who happens to be God. and not God first and then father.
its in their lives i see God again. i see that He is truly personable and truly involved. it never fails to amaze me how he can gather all of Himself and all of heaven to be so interested in one tiny puny life. and it gives me great hope.
be if kathryn kulman, billy graham to political personalities such as soong qing ling and sun yat sen, to celebrities like john cash and june carter cash (soemone whom i really cant find much info abt) to frank abignale...i saw the faithfulness of God especially in the unfaithfulness of man.
i feel especially confronted and vulnerable especially when i can identify with them. that moment i realise, as they probablyhave had, so many times, that we truly are nothing without Him. nothing. at. all.
no matter what they've done for God and how glowing their testimonials are of them, because of what i've seen and read, i cannot bring myself to put them on a pedestal. coz i know they would not have any of the man given glory. i'll let Jesus crown them himself. at the end of it all, (if theres an end indeed), their lives only served to point men to God. never mind that they had to sacrifice so much, and it was alot. some people don't seem to realise today that many great men and women had to give up ALOT just to follow God in the path that He determined for them. that some people, because much is given, much is required, they had to die a 1000 deaths just to be true to the message of the gospel. that they couldnt afford in one moment just to indulge inhuman passions and just expect God to 'bless their mistakes'.
i don't know if ican ever reach the place of complete surrender. that i can be so open to His will that no matter what He wants me to do, what He wants me to give up, i can say yes immediately and relinquish without complaint. and i no longer believe that if God asks you to give osmething up, it wun hurt. i have no doubt that He'll give u something better but i think very often, because u had to die to give it up, the hurt will be there and remembered. it will serve as a reminder most of all,that a death was required and you did die that death. i believe that is the same reason Jesus kept His scars. i believe that at least 3 in heaven will always remember the pain and agony of Jesus on the cross.
most of all, when i read about them, i realised that they refused to compare their sacrifices to God's ultimate sacrifice. and i am humbled. because really nothing compares to that. and i cant even bring myself to sacrifice ...something such as time.
i really cannot call myself a christian until i've been to the place of utter shame and depletion. that it is really His mercy and grace that we are even alive. that apart from that, i cannot live. theres really no other reason to lift your head unless it is to see Him.
and i'm glad He lifts my head to see Him and not just miracles and blessings.
i'm so happy...but how many of you know what i'm talking about?
Friday, March 24, 2006
same
days of dust go rambling by
running circles round my dreams and my life
if only i could scream my frustration away
if only i could see what He was doing in me
if only.
but i am not one who dwells on 'if onlys'.
i'll just scream but the frustration does not go
i'll just pray that He helps me see.
these days, there are only that many people i trust and can talk to.
of coz there are als o that many people who wanto talk to me and lick my wounds. not gape at them.
there are also that many people who can still make me laugh
its when u are at ur ugliest then u know who really loves you
it's in the dark that you can truly see who carries the light.
i have a phonebook so big that i have to choose who to include but when the rubber meets the road, the numbers that i do call are the same few. and i've committed them to memory anyway.
it used to be that betrayal was something you thought only existed on ch 8. but lately, its been a common feature in the lives of my very close friends and i ache for them because i know the hurt is debilitating. i wont try to numb the pain. i'll just keep praying that you and you and you will truly heal.
no updates. none at all. things aren't changing.
so is He.
so is His love.
running circles round my dreams and my life
if only i could scream my frustration away
if only i could see what He was doing in me
if only.
but i am not one who dwells on 'if onlys'.
i'll just scream but the frustration does not go
i'll just pray that He helps me see.
these days, there are only that many people i trust and can talk to.
of coz there are als o that many people who wanto talk to me and lick my wounds. not gape at them.
there are also that many people who can still make me laugh
its when u are at ur ugliest then u know who really loves you
it's in the dark that you can truly see who carries the light.
i have a phonebook so big that i have to choose who to include but when the rubber meets the road, the numbers that i do call are the same few. and i've committed them to memory anyway.
it used to be that betrayal was something you thought only existed on ch 8. but lately, its been a common feature in the lives of my very close friends and i ache for them because i know the hurt is debilitating. i wont try to numb the pain. i'll just keep praying that you and you and you will truly heal.
no updates. none at all. things aren't changing.
so is He.
so is His love.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
distress
my pet phrase used to be 'i'll never complain about having too much free time'
things have since drastically changed. i concede that i can never be a taitai. and live a life of nothingness (as i deem it).
i cannot spend my days going for spa, shopping and just having 'tea'/coffee anymore. nono, i tahbuleh tahan and i'm ready to throw in the towel. its driving me nuts, this lifestyle of nothingness. i feel like jumping up when i'm at the spa and i feel like kicking my pedicurist into the 2nd minute of filing my toenails.i can't even sit still for a haircut. i crave work.give me work to do.
and my mum's been super sweet bringing me on apparent shopping sprees, giving me the freedom to shop w/o worrying about money and signing up on a spa package. so now I HAVE TO GO. coz its already paid.
but i really want so much more. i wanto work. its a genuine heartfelt cry and i need it answered.
i always feel like i'm forced to rest these days, like i'm forced to enjoy myself but i find that i truly enjoy myself at work. which is probably what started the problem in the first place. i thank God for supportive family and boyfriend but now i need work.i need something beyond spa and shopping.i literally dun wanto buy anything anymore.nothing interests me. i have clothes with pricetags still on them. i only have one body and tt much time to wear the clothes. why do i need so much. even my mum darzen seem to understand. she herself is a hoarder.
helpch. distress signal ringing loud.
things have since drastically changed. i concede that i can never be a taitai. and live a life of nothingness (as i deem it).
i cannot spend my days going for spa, shopping and just having 'tea'/coffee anymore. nono, i tahbuleh tahan and i'm ready to throw in the towel. its driving me nuts, this lifestyle of nothingness. i feel like jumping up when i'm at the spa and i feel like kicking my pedicurist into the 2nd minute of filing my toenails.i can't even sit still for a haircut. i crave work.give me work to do.
and my mum's been super sweet bringing me on apparent shopping sprees, giving me the freedom to shop w/o worrying about money and signing up on a spa package. so now I HAVE TO GO. coz its already paid.
but i really want so much more. i wanto work. its a genuine heartfelt cry and i need it answered.
i always feel like i'm forced to rest these days, like i'm forced to enjoy myself but i find that i truly enjoy myself at work. which is probably what started the problem in the first place. i thank God for supportive family and boyfriend but now i need work.i need something beyond spa and shopping.i literally dun wanto buy anything anymore.nothing interests me. i have clothes with pricetags still on them. i only have one body and tt much time to wear the clothes. why do i need so much. even my mum darzen seem to understand. she herself is a hoarder.
helpch. distress signal ringing loud.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
someone is trying to silence me.
in case u've tried to contact me and failed...or are planning to contact me...
i refuse to open my mouth beyond the necessary because of an ulcer. people who know me know that i generally refrain from opening my mouth when theres an ulcer. so i basically dun talk/eat. i might sip water through a straw.
and due to other difficulties, i also don't sms. so yay!i'm uncontactable.
don't call my home number because if u catch me when i'm sleeping, even with the ulcer i'll still scream and burst ur eardrums. and if u dun have my home phone number, DUN ASK FOR IT. i already said..I CANT TALK SO IF U"RE GG TO CALL ME AT HOME JUST TO ASK FOR SOME STUPID FAVOR..i will...have trouble forgiving u.(not much of a threat)
if you reallly really need to contact me, for example...like you really need to give me a present, (no food pls. cash and clothes an dpretty make up..all ok) you're just caught at an unfortunate time and all i can say is pray.
other than that, i will be uncontactable!!! maybe since i can't talk to anyone here i'll take up SIA's offer and hop on a plane to go for some cheapo holeeeedayyyy.
i refuse to open my mouth beyond the necessary because of an ulcer. people who know me know that i generally refrain from opening my mouth when theres an ulcer. so i basically dun talk/eat. i might sip water through a straw.
and due to other difficulties, i also don't sms. so yay!i'm uncontactable.
don't call my home number because if u catch me when i'm sleeping, even with the ulcer i'll still scream and burst ur eardrums. and if u dun have my home phone number, DUN ASK FOR IT. i already said..I CANT TALK SO IF U"RE GG TO CALL ME AT HOME JUST TO ASK FOR SOME STUPID FAVOR..i will...have trouble forgiving u.(not much of a threat)
if you reallly really need to contact me, for example...like you really need to give me a present, (no food pls. cash and clothes an dpretty make up..all ok) you're just caught at an unfortunate time and all i can say is pray.
other than that, i will be uncontactable!!! maybe since i can't talk to anyone here i'll take up SIA's offer and hop on a plane to go for some cheapo holeeeedayyyy.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
few words
i don't know what to blog about. i'm not sure if the highlights in the past week are even worth recounting. the so-called highlights anyway.
i'm still wandering but wondering less. my heart still feels somewhat broken. i cannot stand in the face of human suffering and yet turning away will not help. something inside me compels me to do something. and i know i'm not alone in sharing that hurt.
my knees go weak and my eyes water endlessly and i pray and pray and pray. i wanto save someone today. i wanto make someone's day better. better still, somebody's life and destiny. yet i'm so limited, so restricted.
God help me. i'm really nothing without Him and sometimes, nomatter how much money you are willing to give, its not going to alleviate the suffering of those individuals.
God forbid i ever love money, love the cause more than i love Him. God forbid. its the road to monsterdom and the degeneration is so fast and so swift it has claimed a few glorious souls around me. a soul is rendered dead when it can't even response to God's love. and i've died too many times to know what i'm talking about.
don't dangle money infront of me and try to tempt me to envy. i have nothing to envy. i am struggling not to despise you instead.
i'm still wandering but wondering less. my heart still feels somewhat broken. i cannot stand in the face of human suffering and yet turning away will not help. something inside me compels me to do something. and i know i'm not alone in sharing that hurt.
my knees go weak and my eyes water endlessly and i pray and pray and pray. i wanto save someone today. i wanto make someone's day better. better still, somebody's life and destiny. yet i'm so limited, so restricted.
God help me. i'm really nothing without Him and sometimes, nomatter how much money you are willing to give, its not going to alleviate the suffering of those individuals.
God forbid i ever love money, love the cause more than i love Him. God forbid. its the road to monsterdom and the degeneration is so fast and so swift it has claimed a few glorious souls around me. a soul is rendered dead when it can't even response to God's love. and i've died too many times to know what i'm talking about.
don't dangle money infront of me and try to tempt me to envy. i have nothing to envy. i am struggling not to despise you instead.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
when shez supposed to be sleeping instead...
i can't sleep even though i have to so i'm here talking to myself and when uguys wake up tmr, youall will read.
this week has been quite insane lah. met up with cali, jo and niq. i can't even begin to recall which happened first but its ok. it was good and i vaguely remember jo talking about how SHUANG TIAN ZI ZHUN rox and yes, its that zoe tay li nanxing show that we all secretly watch.
so that entered my subconcious and i went on the rest of the week randomly breaking into song. the Unbeatables theme song. and i'm very proud that i can sing the WHOLE song lah. so anyone wanto pay to listen to me sing, pls call. u guys know the number.
den after tt i was supposed to meet my darling bf. hez supposed to take 95 to hv to meet me but he took 96 and i couldnt believe his blurness because it happens so often and i was so so mad i called caliand niq to scream and complain. was determnined to be angry and give him pure hell for at least 15 minutes.
but when i saw him pop out of the cab 20 mins later with a sheepish scared smile, all was forgiven lor. i still marvel at how he can pull this off with me. sigh. den he was so cute i wanted to just grab him hug him and kiss him. so so cute.
somehow u cant help but forgive someone you love. no matter what. and this is true oso for him towards me.
sometimes when we fight its like we're both sitting on each side of Jesus' shoulder sparring with plastic swords while Jesus is in between shaking his head and getting a headache. and in the process i always snip off some of His hair.den He shakes his head even more.
den the next moment He reconciles and we make up. and we forget out differences and hold hands and skip happily into the sunset (with ice cream of coz)
i give the two guys i love most the greatest headaches. so im grateful and most relieved they're still here. drives isaac to his knees in desperation and i must say that the good thing that came out of it all is that i really improve his prayer life. and this guy already prays nonstop.
an di drive Jesus...i dunno where i drive Him. despite shaking His head, He is generally quite calm and still knows wat to do and how to handle me and us.
lalalalakekeke.
this week has been quite insane lah. met up with cali, jo and niq. i can't even begin to recall which happened first but its ok. it was good and i vaguely remember jo talking about how SHUANG TIAN ZI ZHUN rox and yes, its that zoe tay li nanxing show that we all secretly watch.
so that entered my subconcious and i went on the rest of the week randomly breaking into song. the Unbeatables theme song. and i'm very proud that i can sing the WHOLE song lah. so anyone wanto pay to listen to me sing, pls call. u guys know the number.
den after tt i was supposed to meet my darling bf. hez supposed to take 95 to hv to meet me but he took 96 and i couldnt believe his blurness because it happens so often and i was so so mad i called caliand niq to scream and complain. was determnined to be angry and give him pure hell for at least 15 minutes.
but when i saw him pop out of the cab 20 mins later with a sheepish scared smile, all was forgiven lor. i still marvel at how he can pull this off with me. sigh. den he was so cute i wanted to just grab him hug him and kiss him. so so cute.
somehow u cant help but forgive someone you love. no matter what. and this is true oso for him towards me.
sometimes when we fight its like we're both sitting on each side of Jesus' shoulder sparring with plastic swords while Jesus is in between shaking his head and getting a headache. and in the process i always snip off some of His hair.den He shakes his head even more.
den the next moment He reconciles and we make up. and we forget out differences and hold hands and skip happily into the sunset (with ice cream of coz)
i give the two guys i love most the greatest headaches. so im grateful and most relieved they're still here. drives isaac to his knees in desperation and i must say that the good thing that came out of it all is that i really improve his prayer life. and this guy already prays nonstop.
an di drive Jesus...i dunno where i drive Him. despite shaking His head, He is generally quite calm and still knows wat to do and how to handle me and us.
lalalalakekeke.
Friday, March 03, 2006
feed His (smelly) sheep
He just knows what i'm thinking about lor.
so He sent this reply.
"the love of God pays no attention to my prejudices caused by my natural individuality. If i love my lord, i have no business being guided by natural emotions- i have to feed His sheep. we will not be delivered or released from His commission to us. beware of counterfeiting the love of God by following your own natural human emotions, sympathies or understandings. that will only serve to revile and abuse the true love of God."
-oswald chambers
so He sent this reply.
"the love of God pays no attention to my prejudices caused by my natural individuality. If i love my lord, i have no business being guided by natural emotions- i have to feed His sheep. we will not be delivered or released from His commission to us. beware of counterfeiting the love of God by following your own natural human emotions, sympathies or understandings. that will only serve to revile and abuse the true love of God."
-oswald chambers
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
lately...
sometimes you're required to die to live again and no i'm not being morbid. and no i'm not talking about a physical death. so rest. in. peace.
lately ive been thinking to myself that that love is truly painful unless you get to express it. i mean mostof you can identify with the crush you know who would never take a second glance at you,( or if he/she does, its in mock horror-in my case, definitely got.), the undenied love of youth. or something along these lines.
which is why God went to great lengths just to express His love on the cross. and after that even though its truly finished, as He said so himself, He never really stopped, in my opinion, He keeps going on. demonstrating little/big acts of love throughout the day which i've been recipient to.
and that brought me to think about how i've expressed my love for Him lately because i wanto and not because i have to because i've been kinda overwhelmed by negativity, love, comfort and hope of late. and i just wanto do/say something to show Him that is not just of gratitude and relief but (as if to reassure His insecurity) that at the very end of the day, my heart belongs to Him and Him alone still, and that i truly (most of the time anyway) cherish Him and His presence in my life.
and last night i was brought to that opportunity whereby a simple opportunity presented itself for me to express that kind of love whereby i had to give up something akin to cutting out a piece of my flesh. i can't explain nor go into detail here coz its just too personal..even though my audience is clearly my closest group of friends. sometimes i feel like in this journey with Him, i've to die a thousand times at least everyday, to yield to let Him have His way because sad to say, the flesh still holds alot of selfish dreams and ambitions. cowardice still stands(shaking) in the face of the taunts of the fake-o roaring lion. i guess thats what surrender is about and i know it delights God's heart and i know inspite of the pain that threatens to kill, and does kill, there is a resurrection of life that follows and that life is sheer zoe. and i've been there so many times. whereby i had to die to myself.and i remember that as i stood there dying in the past, i knew that was the turning point, i knew that it would never be the same again and i knew that moment, somehow i had a faith that just gave me a confidence in God that He does love me so much and will truly take care of everything.
i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm a coward through and through and sometimes i know its out of His love for me that He wants me to take that step into the unknown despite the fear. that its His love that compels Him to want me to give certain things up that are utterly detrimental to the well-being of me. and i know myself that these steps in life are to be taken myself, that no one else can take them for me. sure i can lean on His strength and hold His handbut at the end of the day, i have to make the decision to relinquish my own strength and go ahead and do the deed.
its the slaying of the giant/dragon and unfortunately that dragon lives me in. conversely,fortunately, the dragon slayer oso lives in me. hence, the turmoil and the battle thats waged in me. and despite it being in me, i just have to watch and standby and watch because 'the battle belongs to the Lord'
can someone understand my frustration andmake sense out of my ramblings?its sad not to be understood and its even sadder when everyone thinks they know you when you know they all know just a part of you. i keep toomany secrets, even from you guys and everyone knows a different secret, never the entire picture.
i am a master architect and i build walls so thick(around my heart) and now i concede that maybe i'm the only one who can scream it down in joshua/jericho saga fashion. sometimes there is no room for sentimentalism (something i often fall prey to) and u just have to burn ur diary/blog and start all over again. like how God would have to create a new heaven and earth. theres really nothing left in me that i wanto salvage. nothing good so i have to start all over again. and contrary to some of my friends who truly do love me, i know this is not an instance of low self esteem. (friend, i'll explain to you another day)
its really ok to be in the dark, when you know whose voice you can trust. its ok to give up, coz more will be added, its ok to die because resurrection will come. its really more than ok.
because Jesus loves me.
lately ive been thinking to myself that that love is truly painful unless you get to express it. i mean mostof you can identify with the crush you know who would never take a second glance at you,( or if he/she does, its in mock horror-in my case, definitely got.), the undenied love of youth. or something along these lines.
which is why God went to great lengths just to express His love on the cross. and after that even though its truly finished, as He said so himself, He never really stopped, in my opinion, He keeps going on. demonstrating little/big acts of love throughout the day which i've been recipient to.
and that brought me to think about how i've expressed my love for Him lately because i wanto and not because i have to because i've been kinda overwhelmed by negativity, love, comfort and hope of late. and i just wanto do/say something to show Him that is not just of gratitude and relief but (as if to reassure His insecurity) that at the very end of the day, my heart belongs to Him and Him alone still, and that i truly (most of the time anyway) cherish Him and His presence in my life.
and last night i was brought to that opportunity whereby a simple opportunity presented itself for me to express that kind of love whereby i had to give up something akin to cutting out a piece of my flesh. i can't explain nor go into detail here coz its just too personal..even though my audience is clearly my closest group of friends. sometimes i feel like in this journey with Him, i've to die a thousand times at least everyday, to yield to let Him have His way because sad to say, the flesh still holds alot of selfish dreams and ambitions. cowardice still stands(shaking) in the face of the taunts of the fake-o roaring lion. i guess thats what surrender is about and i know it delights God's heart and i know inspite of the pain that threatens to kill, and does kill, there is a resurrection of life that follows and that life is sheer zoe. and i've been there so many times. whereby i had to die to myself.and i remember that as i stood there dying in the past, i knew that was the turning point, i knew that it would never be the same again and i knew that moment, somehow i had a faith that just gave me a confidence in God that He does love me so much and will truly take care of everything.
i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm a coward through and through and sometimes i know its out of His love for me that He wants me to take that step into the unknown despite the fear. that its His love that compels Him to want me to give certain things up that are utterly detrimental to the well-being of me. and i know myself that these steps in life are to be taken myself, that no one else can take them for me. sure i can lean on His strength and hold His handbut at the end of the day, i have to make the decision to relinquish my own strength and go ahead and do the deed.
its the slaying of the giant/dragon and unfortunately that dragon lives me in. conversely,fortunately, the dragon slayer oso lives in me. hence, the turmoil and the battle thats waged in me. and despite it being in me, i just have to watch and standby and watch because 'the battle belongs to the Lord'
can someone understand my frustration andmake sense out of my ramblings?its sad not to be understood and its even sadder when everyone thinks they know you when you know they all know just a part of you. i keep toomany secrets, even from you guys and everyone knows a different secret, never the entire picture.
i am a master architect and i build walls so thick(around my heart) and now i concede that maybe i'm the only one who can scream it down in joshua/jericho saga fashion. sometimes there is no room for sentimentalism (something i often fall prey to) and u just have to burn ur diary/blog and start all over again. like how God would have to create a new heaven and earth. theres really nothing left in me that i wanto salvage. nothing good so i have to start all over again. and contrary to some of my friends who truly do love me, i know this is not an instance of low self esteem. (friend, i'll explain to you another day)
its really ok to be in the dark, when you know whose voice you can trust. its ok to give up, coz more will be added, its ok to die because resurrection will come. its really more than ok.
because Jesus loves me.
Friday, February 24, 2006
not the same
hez moved to tanah merah for a week already and i'm still not used to it.
no more bus rides from clementi to clementi with him. no more staying on in 189 despite reaching my stop because i just want a few more minutes with him. its so hard to say goodbye, despite being together for 30 over months.
no more 'meet you in 20 minutes' dinners at clementi eating spring chicken and drinking coconut juice.
no more supermarketing for groceries together.
no more lazing and hanging out at his pigsty. watching tv, doing laundry and plonking asleep after that.
until we get to go home together always and always.
i hope its soon.
no more bus rides from clementi to clementi with him. no more staying on in 189 despite reaching my stop because i just want a few more minutes with him. its so hard to say goodbye, despite being together for 30 over months.
no more 'meet you in 20 minutes' dinners at clementi eating spring chicken and drinking coconut juice.
no more supermarketing for groceries together.
no more lazing and hanging out at his pigsty. watching tv, doing laundry and plonking asleep after that.
until we get to go home together always and always.
i hope its soon.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
randoms
1)a few nights ago i think i sleepwalked.
i was walking and apparently dreaming at the same time when i walked into a wall. of coz in my dream that wall was an assailant of some sort and i wanted to defend mysslf so used my arm to shield myself and hit against the 'assailant'.-think kungfu- so now i got a two bruises lah.but mr wall is fine and standing.
2)yesterday, isaac and i conquered mount faber. by cable car. it was like beautiful beautiful beautiful lah. i mean our view was just nothing but hdb flats. grr. but nvm. still quite romantic. at least cable car ride was just in time for sunset. so everything was good. we watched the sun plop into the water and drowned. *bloob bloob *and i was so happy because its been so hot for so many days. isaac stood there stunned and woodblockish (i've been on a woodblock calling rampage) and waited eagerly for more until i dragged him away. i think he was expecting fireworks to pop out of the water.
3)today i had driving lessons with an instructor from hell who kept criticising me with the nastiest sacarstic remarks saying i will not be able to pass blah blah blah and that i drive a car like im driving a lorry or a bus. that i have no leg/eye /hand coordination at all. blah blah blah.
4) met up with glacey for lunch and we ended up parasiting coffee bean and mos burger by holding on to a drink that we brought from the FOODCOURT. but there were alot of chimneys around and eventually we had to go home.
5) i am very sleepy. i have driving again tomorrow.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
i'll be praying, He'll be answering.
i'm blessed to have Him my whole life and blessed to have him for the rest of my walk on earth.
its been a rocky thorny path (yet again) for isaac and i and i wanto offer the deepest thanks to the third party in our relationship (Jesus Christ) for constantly mediating, ironing out difference, reconciling, diciplining and helping us to see each others' needs before our's and most of all, supplying an abundance of hope when i have nothing left in me that can possibly see good.. i thank God that through my hissy fits and screaming, through his block headedness which nv fails to exasperate on a bad day and amuse and endear on a good day, the love is still there. and most of all, i figure, as long as our commitment stands unto God, as long as Jesus sits on the throne, i have hope and access to the very power that is required to overcome anything, healing to mend every brokeness and passion to fuel every lacklustreness.
i am relieved to know that Jesus intervenes at every level of our relationship when communication fails us. when i can no longer convey my frustrations and choose to keep them bottled up instead because words fail me. but i thank God words fail because a picture paints a thousand words and one night, He painted a picture, dropped it into my beloved blockhead's conciousness and he saw what i was really going through and what was hurting our relationship.
so contrary to all my wondering of whether Jesus sees when u cry alone in the dark, i will stand up and attest to the unchangeble fact that HE DOES. HE SEES YOUR PAIN FEELS YOUR PAIN AND HEALS YOUR PAIN.
i love my savior. He truly saves in every which way possible.
so today i was praying for him, coz its the best thing we can do for each other. when all its said and done, sometimes all it takes is a prayer. my prayers were on the Lord helping him to overcome his weaknesses now that he has met them, and that ungodly sorrow (despair) will not touch him but he will lean on Him always and always no matter how many dead ends we meet. this is because right now both of us seem to be stuck in a rut, and we're basically feeling lost and directionless. we don't know what we're to become, what we're supposed to do because everything we've known to do, we are no longer capable of doing. our previous capabilities have been stripped bare.
(little did i guess that thats perfect reason to rejoice. )
and upon finishing the prayer, i found myself walking to the shelves in the living room and picking up the oswald chambers devotional that my dad bought earlier but nv touched (it happens a lot. i have a library of clean untouched books) and i saw this..
Our Lord said to paul, in effect ( on the road to Damascus)"Your whole life is to be empowered and subdued by Me, you are to have no end, no aim no purpose but Mine.
and the Lord also says to us, " You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go
paul was not even a message or doctrine to proclaim, He was brought into a vivid, personal overpowering relationship with Jesus Christ. Paul had to be devoted to a person and not a cause.
am just overwhelmed right now. just wanto scream my blessedness!
its been a rocky thorny path (yet again) for isaac and i and i wanto offer the deepest thanks to the third party in our relationship (Jesus Christ) for constantly mediating, ironing out difference, reconciling, diciplining and helping us to see each others' needs before our's and most of all, supplying an abundance of hope when i have nothing left in me that can possibly see good.. i thank God that through my hissy fits and screaming, through his block headedness which nv fails to exasperate on a bad day and amuse and endear on a good day, the love is still there. and most of all, i figure, as long as our commitment stands unto God, as long as Jesus sits on the throne, i have hope and access to the very power that is required to overcome anything, healing to mend every brokeness and passion to fuel every lacklustreness.
i am relieved to know that Jesus intervenes at every level of our relationship when communication fails us. when i can no longer convey my frustrations and choose to keep them bottled up instead because words fail me. but i thank God words fail because a picture paints a thousand words and one night, He painted a picture, dropped it into my beloved blockhead's conciousness and he saw what i was really going through and what was hurting our relationship.
so contrary to all my wondering of whether Jesus sees when u cry alone in the dark, i will stand up and attest to the unchangeble fact that HE DOES. HE SEES YOUR PAIN FEELS YOUR PAIN AND HEALS YOUR PAIN.
i love my savior. He truly saves in every which way possible.
so today i was praying for him, coz its the best thing we can do for each other. when all its said and done, sometimes all it takes is a prayer. my prayers were on the Lord helping him to overcome his weaknesses now that he has met them, and that ungodly sorrow (despair) will not touch him but he will lean on Him always and always no matter how many dead ends we meet. this is because right now both of us seem to be stuck in a rut, and we're basically feeling lost and directionless. we don't know what we're to become, what we're supposed to do because everything we've known to do, we are no longer capable of doing. our previous capabilities have been stripped bare.
(little did i guess that thats perfect reason to rejoice. )
and upon finishing the prayer, i found myself walking to the shelves in the living room and picking up the oswald chambers devotional that my dad bought earlier but nv touched (it happens a lot. i have a library of clean untouched books) and i saw this..
Our Lord said to paul, in effect ( on the road to Damascus)"Your whole life is to be empowered and subdued by Me, you are to have no end, no aim no purpose but Mine.
and the Lord also says to us, " You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go
paul was not even a message or doctrine to proclaim, He was brought into a vivid, personal overpowering relationship with Jesus Christ. Paul had to be devoted to a person and not a cause.
am just overwhelmed right now. just wanto scream my blessedness!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
let it go- corrine may
i think we've been here before
i recognize this place
i've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
and i don't want to play anymore
not when the stakes are so high
so before we circle round once more
i'm gonna lay down
lay down my
pride
let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go
i turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
nothing seems to have changed
since the start of adam and eve
so we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
but before we circle round once more
can we lay down
just lay down this pride
let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit for tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go
don't go wasting your emotions
no one wins if we keep score
let it go
let it be
let it go
i love him.
i recognize this place
i've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
and i don't want to play anymore
not when the stakes are so high
so before we circle round once more
i'm gonna lay down
lay down my
pride
let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go
i turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
nothing seems to have changed
since the start of adam and eve
so we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
but before we circle round once more
can we lay down
just lay down this pride
let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit for tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go
don't go wasting your emotions
no one wins if we keep score
let it go
let it be
let it go
i love him.
think a lot. talk a lot.
i hate those watchful judgmental eyes that widens everytime i make a mistake.
and i hate how often i go wrong when i watch those watchful eyes watching me.
its ironic i know and its really hard to explain. yet, i am nonetheless the same. i pass judgments not just on wrong deeds but on the person. adam would be dead meat in my hands because somehow or the other, i delight not in mercy. i can't understand why some people purposefully do the wrong that they know will result in a massive chain-effect that will hurt many others, especially the ones they love.
i see, so i judge and i hurt.
there is such a fine line to judging and sin and not the person. its so hard to separate a man from his deed which is no wonder only God can still call us righteous when we sin so carelessly everyday. How He can still be a just God. I marvel at that that ONE man can truly take on the punishment of this sick sin-filled world.
never really gave much thought as to why God would reserve judgment only for Himself. i thought it shdnt be a big deal to pass that mantle also to us since He was the one who made us kings and high priests. one more to add to our CV really wouldn't hurt until late last night.
i was hopping mad over the wrong some people did. i kept meditating on it and the more i thought, the angrier i became. i saw how God time and again gave them chances to repent, called them back through various means, diciplined them with love and yet they willfully vehemently actually refused His ways. and i condemned them in my heart.
unbeknownst to me, there was an ache deeper in my heart which i could'nt detect. i didn't love these said people very much in the natural but the ache was still there.
when i felt the ache, i saw the heart of God.
He reserved judgment for Himself not just because He is rightfully the only one qualified to judge, not just because it involves the partaking of the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' all over again, not just because he knows its difficult to for me to differentiate between the deed and the man...not just because of all that...
but because He wanted to save me the pain from executing judgment. because judgment, is painful. judgment resulted in the crucifixion of the Son of God. judgment will result in catastrophes etc. judgment will pain the heart of God even as the hand executes it. judgment results in eternal separation. there is so much more to judgment than i can ever comprehend.
***
attended an interesting sermon with terry mize at new crea last week with candice. His sermon made me think and i like sermons that make me think coz it is evidence that God is interacting with me and i hate just swallowing by faith because...i'm hard to please. and i might swallow a bone or two. (he who has ears, let him hear)
he talked about spiritual authority and how whoever we give our spiritual authority to will affect us in a very tremendous way. which explains why sometimes if a stranger who darzen care two hoots about you is prayed for by you, there is hardly any effect coz he also darzen care two hoots about your so-called spiritual authority.
and this part got me thinking..which goes to say how much spiritual authority I give unto Him must be very important too. and i know of only too many areas in my life and heart that are not totally yielded to Him. shall not make an open confession here before watchful eyes (Read above) but now i see why certain areas of my life are not bearing fruit as they used to or ever at all!because i couldn't give it up to Him. because i still want SOME control. because I AM STUPID!
sigh.
selah.tired already
and i hate how often i go wrong when i watch those watchful eyes watching me.
its ironic i know and its really hard to explain. yet, i am nonetheless the same. i pass judgments not just on wrong deeds but on the person. adam would be dead meat in my hands because somehow or the other, i delight not in mercy. i can't understand why some people purposefully do the wrong that they know will result in a massive chain-effect that will hurt many others, especially the ones they love.
i see, so i judge and i hurt.
there is such a fine line to judging and sin and not the person. its so hard to separate a man from his deed which is no wonder only God can still call us righteous when we sin so carelessly everyday. How He can still be a just God. I marvel at that that ONE man can truly take on the punishment of this sick sin-filled world.
never really gave much thought as to why God would reserve judgment only for Himself. i thought it shdnt be a big deal to pass that mantle also to us since He was the one who made us kings and high priests. one more to add to our CV really wouldn't hurt until late last night.
i was hopping mad over the wrong some people did. i kept meditating on it and the more i thought, the angrier i became. i saw how God time and again gave them chances to repent, called them back through various means, diciplined them with love and yet they willfully vehemently actually refused His ways. and i condemned them in my heart.
unbeknownst to me, there was an ache deeper in my heart which i could'nt detect. i didn't love these said people very much in the natural but the ache was still there.
when i felt the ache, i saw the heart of God.
He reserved judgment for Himself not just because He is rightfully the only one qualified to judge, not just because it involves the partaking of the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' all over again, not just because he knows its difficult to for me to differentiate between the deed and the man...not just because of all that...
but because He wanted to save me the pain from executing judgment. because judgment, is painful. judgment resulted in the crucifixion of the Son of God. judgment will result in catastrophes etc. judgment will pain the heart of God even as the hand executes it. judgment results in eternal separation. there is so much more to judgment than i can ever comprehend.
***
attended an interesting sermon with terry mize at new crea last week with candice. His sermon made me think and i like sermons that make me think coz it is evidence that God is interacting with me and i hate just swallowing by faith because...i'm hard to please. and i might swallow a bone or two. (he who has ears, let him hear)
he talked about spiritual authority and how whoever we give our spiritual authority to will affect us in a very tremendous way. which explains why sometimes if a stranger who darzen care two hoots about you is prayed for by you, there is hardly any effect coz he also darzen care two hoots about your so-called spiritual authority.
and this part got me thinking..which goes to say how much spiritual authority I give unto Him must be very important too. and i know of only too many areas in my life and heart that are not totally yielded to Him. shall not make an open confession here before watchful eyes (Read above) but now i see why certain areas of my life are not bearing fruit as they used to or ever at all!because i couldn't give it up to Him. because i still want SOME control. because I AM STUPID!
sigh.
selah.tired already
Saturday, February 11, 2006
anything that's special in me is you.
1.27 am
i suddenly feel like listening to the meteor garden soundtrack but i'm too lazy to look for it.
i wonder if Jesus reads my blog. i wonder if He knows Hez the reason why i write, the reason i live and breathe and the reason i haven't given up. Hez the star of this blog (and the bright and morning star also lah)
i'm wondering how life will eventually turn out but i'm not hasty and gan cheong abt it anymore. (maybe because i'm sedated)
i was counting my blessings (namely people in my life) and when i lost count, i broke down and cried. because i have too much. that money cannot buy. goodness does dissolve fat and bones. i melted away that moment.
i also realised that the fighter in me is still alive. (so is the weird kooky humour) its just wounded that's all.
the smile faded somewhat but it'll make a comeback. 1 million megawatts this time i promise. (watch out darlie/colgate/fann wong)
the light in my eyes has diminished along with the godzilla-like appetite. but i'm still connected to the power supply so none of you shd fret. as for the appetite, i'm open to treats.
i promise to update. because there's more to come, more to expect. more that i would have learnt and lived.
because Jesus is a good God.
i suddenly feel like listening to the meteor garden soundtrack but i'm too lazy to look for it.
i wonder if Jesus reads my blog. i wonder if He knows Hez the reason why i write, the reason i live and breathe and the reason i haven't given up. Hez the star of this blog (and the bright and morning star also lah)
i'm wondering how life will eventually turn out but i'm not hasty and gan cheong abt it anymore. (maybe because i'm sedated)
i was counting my blessings (namely people in my life) and when i lost count, i broke down and cried. because i have too much. that money cannot buy. goodness does dissolve fat and bones. i melted away that moment.
i also realised that the fighter in me is still alive. (so is the weird kooky humour) its just wounded that's all.
the smile faded somewhat but it'll make a comeback. 1 million megawatts this time i promise. (watch out darlie/colgate/fann wong)
the light in my eyes has diminished along with the godzilla-like appetite. but i'm still connected to the power supply so none of you shd fret. as for the appetite, i'm open to treats.
i promise to update. because there's more to come, more to expect. more that i would have learnt and lived.
because Jesus is a good God.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
thank you
sat was great except for the fact that i got isaac and i lost and we ended up at international business park. i panicked of course but we still managed to get home before midnight.
met up with my dear friend shuxin and went visiting for cny after that. that part was good.
i feel very comforted and loved. its true that when things are going so awry and wrong, your support system is very vital and important and i thank God so so much that my friends and family have been so supportive and sweet.
today a friend fr church that i wassnt particularly close just said this before parting after lunch that "should i have trouble (despite knowing the strange times of the day that i hv trouble), i could call anytime"
simple line as that but i was most touched. coz its expected to be inconvenient and difficult. prior to that my cg leader oso offered the same thing. and i know its not just talk because they have proven to be there when i need them too. for so long i thought isaac was the only one willing to be inconvenienced by me and i'v ebeen feeling so sorry for bringing him so much trouble but now, sigh it really just moves me to tears to know that i am loved.
sounds silly i know but i really didn't know prior to this episode. how real the love of God is that its shed in (almost) every heart around me. Gods been very gracious through this episode.
i remember once when i was gg thru a difficult time when i was young and mei ling said to me, "call me even if its 3 am or if you're hungry coz chances are, i'll be hungry too". only God knows how much that means to me coz sometimes, when trouble strikes and the enemy isolates you, its terribly scary to not have a tangible hand to hold, an audible voice to guide you.
i miss my friends so much. i just wanto tell all of you i love you all.
met up with my dear friend shuxin and went visiting for cny after that. that part was good.
i feel very comforted and loved. its true that when things are going so awry and wrong, your support system is very vital and important and i thank God so so much that my friends and family have been so supportive and sweet.
today a friend fr church that i wassnt particularly close just said this before parting after lunch that "should i have trouble (despite knowing the strange times of the day that i hv trouble), i could call anytime"
simple line as that but i was most touched. coz its expected to be inconvenient and difficult. prior to that my cg leader oso offered the same thing. and i know its not just talk because they have proven to be there when i need them too. for so long i thought isaac was the only one willing to be inconvenienced by me and i'v ebeen feeling so sorry for bringing him so much trouble but now, sigh it really just moves me to tears to know that i am loved.
sounds silly i know but i really didn't know prior to this episode. how real the love of God is that its shed in (almost) every heart around me. Gods been very gracious through this episode.
i remember once when i was gg thru a difficult time when i was young and mei ling said to me, "call me even if its 3 am or if you're hungry coz chances are, i'll be hungry too". only God knows how much that means to me coz sometimes, when trouble strikes and the enemy isolates you, its terribly scary to not have a tangible hand to hold, an audible voice to guide you.
i miss my friends so much. i just wanto tell all of you i love you all.
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