where to look

"Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?
i will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" -isaiah 43.17-19

no reason to despair, whereever ur location and circumstance are. phew.

"and once again i look upon the cross where you died
i'm humbled by your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank you
once again i pour out my life"- kisses in the rain

the mistakes of the throne of israel: 1) looking back at egypt.mourning the things that werent really all too fantastic. only in that moment of insanity did they think it was better than being led out to freedom. in my own humble opinion, this syndrome is nostalgia.

2) lamenting about the current circumstances because they refuse to believe in the glorious future /land in store for them. so wandering it shall be.

dun luk back. dun luk at now. look above. it'll show u whats ahead.

joy to MY world

i don't like blogging anymore, nor reading blogs. word racer is the name of the day.

the past two days have been awesome and this is probably one of my last blogs. before i close it down..bit by bit. or blog once every year.

was at zac's grandparents' place yesterday and God, they are like so lovable. a christian couple with 60 years of marriage. the hightlight of that session must be ah ma singing "beautiful sunday" and "thank you Jesus"...while ah kong (who is kinda tone deaf and deaf) just recited the lyrics. ah ma den tried to hush him so that she can continue her duet with her handsome grandson, isaac quek while i act as support..and come in occasionally and just clap along. i think that moment is divine and i see Jesus nodding. i think i personally prefer hanging out with the really old and really young. anything in between can be classified as dangerous, depressed, whiny and a pain. well..most of the time. if you are feeling offended, well, yes then, i am talking about you. but i still love you!(sometimes)

today was supposed to be an eating spree today and zac and i received a treat from faith and victor. honestly, they are such huge blessings with or without the treat. i really felt so blessed and joyful just being with them. with the food, everything was just totally perfect. and we topped off the day with BS, can anything get better than perfect? Jesus always tops my expectations. contrary to popular belief, i do get everything i want an di know i can. because i'm highly favoured according to the measure of Christ and He can do anything for me. yay!

really, its not just the activities. but the general sense of blessedness and joy that has been sinking into my spirit. some days seem to be pretty mundane and by my own standards, lousy...but its harder to even pay attention to the negative these days. some people in my life are perennial pains...and its not my job to neutralize or change them and although i'm often the subject of their personal anguish and frustration with every possible thing, its ok. its fun to ignoreand go on smiling whilie they continue fuming. i can't help it ok?sometimes the conciousness of Jesus and everything good is so strong these teeny weenee stuff just cant get me down. so for crying out loud, give up. i wish the conciousness of Him and His gdness and love was strong and high everyday but when it izznt, Hez there to remind me gently, to give me a peace that my mind does not comprehend, that my heart sometimes refuse to comply.


whatever...i'm not even going tow aste time looking at these situations and people, i'll let Jesus handle them while i focus on what He wants me to focus on. when i remotely look at these things, i feel like i'm wasting 2 seconds of my life. yes , not even a glance. not worth it.

i am the reason and i cannot deny it. the reason He came down from heaven, went to the cross, rose from the grave.

glee.

door-selective

yesterday a dear friend alerted me of a door she has kindly opened, although i declined to go thru. i know some doors will never close on you but i've grown over the past year. i'm door-selective this time round and this trait will direct all decision-making processes in the future.

the Lord's been showing me (at the perfect timing i must say) that He is the door of the sheep. ( john 10). i will find pasture if He is that door for me. it says there in His word.

i'll rather go by that and not what I should do anymore. and by that, "should" goes in accordance to human standards which are interestingly either beyond or beneath me.

not an ordinary day

Today:

• saw my bf for the first time since he left for that Loooong camp
• fantastic sermon that spoke directly to me and me alone. Jesus has a way of doing things like these. thank You
• my entire family is back.
• Lee Nanxing and moses lim thanked the Lord Jesus Christ during their acceptance speeches for the star awards. hallehlujah!
• not an ordinary day. new light on old darkness. new creation realities -more in play.
• the day before tomorrow. ah ma is leaving for her annual holiday. will miss her so much
• wore a skirt to church. i don't know why but isaac likens my skirt-wearing occasions to something like an olinda dress-wearing sensation. weird
• didn't eat a grain of rice today. oh i did...just not for dinner.
• ate the yolk of the egg

i'm not alone. dun worry

somehow my grandma is very worried when i choose to stay home alone. not that she thinks that i'll burn down the place but apparently its abnormal. on the contrary, i think its the best time that i get to do so because my loudhailer brother is not around to create a ruckus and my ears get a break. but she darzen think so and keeps calling to see whether i've got food and keeps asking me to go out. go watch a movie, shop..anything. just dun be at home. thats the imperial mandate for the day.

yes, i still miss my darling alot. but it darzen mean i immediately need to find other activities to distract me or whatever the prescribed case is. im ok alone. and with other people...although im selective about company. and its not devastating. its just that it feels so funny not being able to hear his voice and all that wondering about how is he. all i know is that hez in jesus' hands and that sets my heart at ease.

and its been 2 hrs since i woke up but im enjoying His company. friend might be coming over tonight. not sure..because i forgot what the plan was.i kept thinking its a stayover but plans are fluid so ah nvm. using this time to just soak up the silence and pray and finish listening to the solid sermon cds that i've accumulated for quite awhile. its been good. just that i'll so like to multiply this joy and love with my darling but we'll wait and be patient. saturday is just round the corner.

thank you for today Jesus...i so love today.

cannot even begin to describe. its not so much the activities but just the general sense of love and awe that i feel..so overwhelmed by His faithfulness and love. its just beautiful and splendid and my words are not doing what i truly feel justice.

im so goin to miss isaac tmr (infact i already do) when he heads for childrens church camp tmr. i just hope the kids arent monsters in disguise. they'll be in huge trouble if they bully him.

sigh..dec is too short.

"mary..Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God! "

drunk with His goodness

this is the day that the Lord hath made, i will rejoice, i will rejoice with you!

yes this is the day that my darling arrived on this earth 22 years ago..the day that i will forever be thankful for because of the manifested goodness of God in my life that i experience now.

yay!HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!

i'll always praise God for this day. =). hez my biggest blessing here on earth.BIGGEST.

i'm the happiest sleepiest girl in the world right now.

fondant fondant fondant

why do i still love them?

i caught a glimpse of one tiny facet of the Father's love for us when i served in nursery today.

surrounded by bawling, screaming, puking, crying children. yes, i saw His love for me shine through even in the midst of all that saliva and yelling. i can't really put it into words for now except that its truly truly irrational and unconditional.

its day 2 of home-aloneness and i turned up at brightstar today kinda stoned with swollen eyes because i was bawling the previous night away. yes yes i am a huge crybaby. but its ok. Jesus loves me and sometimes i honestly wish with all my heart i can add on to that line and say "hmph, and He darzen love you!" and guffaw sinisterly but i know i can't say it. because He happens to live in me and sigh...i can't help but love you lor. whoever u are, if i really dun engage my mind.

that aside, yes i din and couldnt stay stoned for long because when the children arrive, we dun even haf time to pee and breathe. you can hear nothing but them, smell nothing but them, be numb to everything but them. u are on high-alert mode instead. not because of a coffee high but because, child A has a reputation of biting his classmates, child b likes to sit under the table, den get up and knock his head and scream the roof down, child C is tearing the art and craft displays off the wall..etc etc.

of coz you have to try to avert disaster and mediate between feuding toy snatchers while having one child perched on ur hip and another attached somehow to your leg. its not easy but it can be done and its classified by irrational behavior to a great number of pple who study behavior. (i used to be one of them when i majored in psychology). but love is above and beyond rationality. and i know this love is manifested supernaturally and partnered with supreme unmatchable grace to hold on for like 7 hrs before you call it a day. and den i'll just keep coming back for more.
and even when the infamous class tyrant graduates out of my class, i feel kinda sad and a tinge of melancholy.

nothing close to rational at all. but its ok. sometimes if you try to look for a reason to justify every act, your life is essentially, ironically meaningless coz thats really all that can sustain you.
there is no checklist to tick against when it comes to love. phew

day 1 out of 8.

i can't believe tears are welling up. my family has just left for an 8 day trip to china and i'll be all alone. i thought i would relish the thought of freedom and err..some silence since my brother has a loudhailer attached to his mouth. and he wakes up early so i hafta wakeup early too. but when i sent them off just a mere 10 mins ago, i had to fight to hold back the tears. i just hope they enjoy this trip. its been a tough year.i hope relationships are cemented and strengthened, stale waters of marriage turned to wine and everything just goes so well because Jesus paid for them to have the absolute best. and they just bask in His love and enjoy all protection of psalms 91.

no matter what we're family. and although i never would have expected it, i suppose its only normal to miss them in the weird way that i do. now that its just me and my computer, excuse me while i go and unleash the river behind the dam in my eyes.

sleep deprived

i hate it when im awake at this hour in the morning and not by choice but for the same reason as always- because my brother has a loudhailer attached to his vocal chords. that everything he says is amplified like 10 times the average person's volume.

nonetheless today shall be a good day although i spent so much time racking my brains last night thinking abt wat to get for dear isaac for his bdae.and im still clueless as ever.slept at 3 plus am.because i was walking through mall after mall, up and down orchard , IN MY MIND.

urgh.

IT IS FINISHED!

just echoing Jesus.

the last paper was like the most exciting one ever. there was a blackout at the very very end and alot of hilarity and amusement because it was pitch black because itw as an evening paper and its pouring outside. so lecturer had to walk around with a huge torch light to usher us out of the exam hall.quite cool if u ask me. i felt like i was in some movie.on some adventure.

i found where i belong

All the wonders of Your ways
I'm constantly amazed
How You make me safe and sound
It's the way You lift me up
You've given me so much
Only You would never let me down
You are here calming my fears
You lead me back with
Your sweet song
You're where I belong

-jaci velasquez-

mood: warm, fuzzy, romantic
i'm so in the holiday mood and my first paper hazznt even yet started so i'm not exactly close to the finishing line. but its ok. i'm at the place of rest. its all a finished work. spent the whole day trying to digest my war and society notes but ended up distracted by the bible. wonderful way to spend a hot afternoon and i feel so light and frothy and glad. i think i'm catching a glimpse of the abundant life.

the reality is that i'm blessed beyond any curse and that can't change. its sinking in. deep into my heart and i know its a truth that will explode and revolutionize my life and circumstances. my life will finally proclaim His goodness.

my faithful audience

i realise that after a long day, when i sit at His feet either to complain and cry or complain and cry or...God knows what else i say. it seems to be only that. but Hez always the same. He said it to His diciples after their long day and they told Him both of what they had done and they had taught...and all He said to them was "come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while". mark 6.31.same thing said to me. twice. today. i first saw it at abanner outside st andrews cathedral (and something deep inside me just tugged)and when i opened my bible today, it went straight to that page. God has a way of speaking to me everytime i flip open the bible. i rarely have to turn to a page.it just lands there. i thik He already knew that i don't know enough toeven know where to flip too...

same for open book exams. i dun flip.He opens.

i've been a robot going around with the mundaneness of life. and the only time i truly relish in the day besides being able to talk to isaac..is when i lie on my bed at night and its all dark and talk to Him. He must have waited a long time sometimes for me to hang up the fone with zac so that He can listen to what He already knows i will say. but its apparently still ok. i still will have an audience with Him anytime i want to. how privileged.

sometimes, when i'm going about my daily stuff, or i'm feeling bogged down by issues, feeling myself sinking in the sea of notes(for now since its the exam season) or God knows what else, He is there, to tell me to get out ...to just rest. its commonsense i guess but its still so soothing just to hear Him say that. when human logic tells you to not stop but step up instead for ur exam revision, to put this fire out and that fire out, He always differs. and thats what i like so much about Jesus.

He is the only soothing balm that works when the hurt is so deep. when you cannot rationalise away the pain. nothing more i yearn now but to go away to somewhere deserted and have Him all to myself. and i know when i do, He will be there already, waiting.

MY WEIRD DREAMS

most of you know i have the weirdest dreams that are so downright inexplicable and i agree.

BUT GUESS WHAT....3 years ago i dreamt that phua chu kang had a baby boy called romeo and he(phua chu kang) told rosie that he left romeo in the car because he liked to listen to perfect 10. AND GUESS WHAT IT WAS ON TV TODAY!
i predicted the script of phua chu kang at least 3 years ago!!!

and i vividly remember some of my friends scoffing when i told them.....and i nv understood why i have dreams as queer as this...

u have overcome the world...

yesterday i nearly threw in the towel.

nursery yesterday was quite close to living hell. we moved to brightstar instead of convention centre and all the teachers had a change in uniform. the kids, started screaming at the first sight of this overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. and there were more tables chairs and cupboards than convention centre. i spent the entire day TRYING to make sure no one bangs their head while cllimbing under the table etc etc. and no one slams the lousy door on their fingers. and stupid parents that behave like we're their slaves. and screaming babies. and a particular girl who is attached to my leg. and a baby who puked on me. in other words..mayhem.little monsters fest.toilets that choked. a teacher who got involved in a car accident, another who fell down in the toilet...basically alot went wrong.AT THE SAME TIME. i think we need to dedicate more time to prayer before that. and while all these events were unravelling, pastor prince goes on joking, preaching, and the congregation goes on laughing, enjoying while we toil.....behind the scenes of brightstar childcare development...

at the end of the exhausting day..when i lay my head down to rest, and i close my eyes, i can still see images of those screaming machines. yesterday was a real test of my love for them. and how much of my serving is truly God...because when those cute cherubic faces u seee on anne geddes posters fade and transform into i dun even wanto coin a term for that ....its a different thing altogether. mucus, saliva, puke galore. u need His wisdom, His power, His everything, to calm them down, to shut them up....to love them. and of coz the muscle to carry them because they are so fat these days...

after yesterday's harrowing experience, i think i can stillmanage a smile when i think of them. except one baby whose mother is quite the dragon lady. but other then that, God is faithful and good. and my time in nursery is not up yet i think. now its really His strength. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CUTE IN THE NEW ENVIRONMENT!!!yes.lambs in monkey disguise. who would have thought...

no one else will do.

Today my agenda was to study non-stop.well sort of…at least study most of the day away. But alas, He had other plans and I could not follow mine. But I’m not complaining. Everything He initiates in my life is for my best interests.

Thank You my living savior.

After giving zac living hell for not using the opportunity to study but spend it serving God..(YES…I am nasty.that is why it is a miracle that God calls me the righteousness of God.) because he is doing back up worship for a childrens church teachers gathering, I found myself restless, unpeaceful and just…edgy. I did cover two whole chapters of a particular module, print out a lot of notes that I haven’t printed for the entire semester but I knew deep down I just had to get down to something else. And because I couldn’t figure it out, I was tired, lost and basically quite miserable.

Actually all I had to do was to get down on my knees.

So finally I did, I didn’t know how to pray. But the Holy Spirit knew so I allowed Him to do all the work. I read the bible without knowing where to go but as usual, He never failed to speak to me. Every verse that my eyes fell on spoke to me.

i had no one to whine to tonight besides my faithful shepherd. zac's somewhere at fortcanning singing His praises and there is no one on msn that i remotely think can NOT aggravate my dire circumstnaces. ok..heres a sidenote to thank jon who is now christopher for reminding me how solid it is to be in His presence. thank God Jesus is all the comfort that i ever need. He soothes my soul with His songs of peace. whee.

ok. now i kinda miss zac. -tearing up-

wun digress. I have been getting all worksy again. And worked up because I’ve been worksy. And thus I’ve been worried and weary and stressed out. So much that I’ve been stressing zac up. (I’m sorry dear)its such a struggle to alwyas let grace reign u noe. at least it is so for me...

Now there’s nothing I want more but a fresh touch of His. Some sorta renewal, regeneration and refreshing. For my focus to be redirected to what truly matters again. For Him to direct my journey, tread on paths of peace, by still waters, having lamb picnic with my shepherd on green pastures.

"your mercy o lord, will hold me up. in the multitude of my anxities within me, your comforts delight my soul"

wowee.he just msged. in his words had a swell time praising God. and the event just ended its 11.10...i'm so glad he went. afterall. happy for him. and seeing him there must have put a wide smile on God's face. persecution does come when u wanto do things for Jesus...i am a fine example.as in..i am the persecutor. sigh. its ok!so was paul.
Godis faithful and good. his nose was all runny this morning and he was so worn out.by err...sch, and runny nose and his gf. but God delivered and i heard the annointing was very strong. wish i was there.to watch my darling revel in His glory.

i am realising that how good God really really is is never old news. i can hear it a thousand times but each time i am only seeing a side of that multi-faceted fascination.

threshed mountains, hills like chaff.

"If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?" Luke 12.26

When He said these words, my heart ached. i can't answer that question. and i don't know why i'm still so nervous. i need a greater revelation of His person, His love, His finished work and His inheritance. its so sad when you love someone so much and can be completely trusted and yet...is denied of that trust.

ah..well.all is forgiven.

since church yesterday, i've been distracted bythe bible. i tried to study for a few minutes and i keep turning to His word. Its good but when i see how much is in store for me in the word..and how far i've been living below it..i just wanto bawl.i don't know when i'll learn.truly. i don't know how to even receive sometimes. i have to sit on my hands just to be still.

this year has truly been one dramafest. turmoil that i never thought i ever had to go through in my wildest imaginations. and i thought i was truly going the way of IMH...but now light is flooding in and darkness is fleeing. an di saw what phenomenal blessings i've also enjoyed. not as a result but they came separate as a package. but i was too caught up ..too focused on the weaknesses of my flesh to consider anything else. i don't even know how to begin to document the blessings that tangible and visible. but the true gifts are developed inside me. thats where its all eternal and no one...demon or man can rob from me.

my health is picking up.praise God. its high time. i am the healed of the Lord afterall. manifestation is long due. 2 mths of coughing and phlegm. enough of doctors. enough of insomia. everything is picking up. but deep down, i know theres much more. not in the outer realm but inside. therez 'unfinished business'. theres so much reparations to be made after all the mini battles i've waged against an enemy long defeated. but i've also mellowed and hopefully matured so much more, thanks to 2004. valley of Baca or mount zion, Hez been there, because i've been. enduring love at its best. even when its too dark to see His frame, therez still power every time i cry out His name.

i truly identify with those helpless lambs. i am one. i can do nothing to save myself for crying out loud. i can only bleet. i fall into the ravine and His staff hooks me up. that is comfort u noe. true comfort. not the thousand and one niceties people can tell you but practical help and then balm to truly soothe your rampaging soul. Comfort on every side..thats what david calls it in psalms 71. theres nothing i can do to summon help but call. and there it is...

the blood has been shed. i call it a bloody perfect sacrifice. i never really understood why that word is such an expletive. but its ok. i know what it means to me-salvation. in every true sense of the word. saved to the uttermost-from hell, from distress, from poverty, sickness, depression, oppression. everything.

if flesh cannot help me, it sure can't hurt me. its powerless. the fig tree is cursed. hallehlujah.

"blessed be the Lord,
because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
the Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and i am helped
therefore my heart greatly rejoices
and with my song i will praise Him"

ps 28:6-9

my cup overflows....

i am walking on water
i am living on air!

how amazing is today's sermon? i am so proud of Jesus and my pastor...thank God for His ever-inquiring heart that i get such good feeding that breaks yokes and bondages from Heaven.

i could say a thousand thank yous to Jesus and shake pastor prince's hand a thousand times but it will never truly convey the gratitude i feel for what the living word has done to change my life. yes not just my circumstances. true change comes from within darzen it and it has changed so much.i'm not simply talking about perspective but its His life that i live now. not mine. thank God ...its the best gift exchange ever!

i am glad the fight is over the victory has been won. pastor lawrence's opening line for communion captured my attention first hand and when pastor prince took the pulpit..i was brimming with tears already. but i didnt know just exactly what the word that he delivered would do to me. i didnt expect my miracles to come so fast so quickly...so easily. with me just seating. oh well...what else could i really be doing anyway?for the life of me ...i cannot do anything to help myself. but i have a God who can do exceedingly abundantly above all i ask or think and i am so glad that i can call Him my father because of the blood.

and i am so glad i have won because of the blood. i didnt participate in the fight but i share the fruits of the victory. i am elated. and that is an understatement.
glory to glory, strength to strength. so much more.

to God be the glory. i love the lamb who is also the lion. oh..and hallehlujah!its mutual!=)
surely the joy of the Lord is my strength. byebye spirit of heaviness. hello garment of praise...

Only He knows what i need and how to win my heart. this week alone i have seen financial blessings and food blessings.hehe. Zac's dad made ngoh hiang for me again and yay!and so much this time it can feed my entire family. i love being part of isaac's life. second to Jesus. truly the best.only God knows how much He has ministered to me thru my darling when i'm beyond down..when i'm buried in some dung...and how much He has used him to lift me up to the high heavens whereby i can dance in the clouds...and laugh till myknees are jello.. even though we make each other laugh and moan with frustration..thats ok. it only gets better and i can live with this for the rest of my life. yes, a whole century of this is wonderful.

thank you my precious one. thank you Jesus for him. thank you for my life, my parents, my brother, my ah ma..my brothers and sisters and Christ. like i said...so much more....

-twirls and swoons-

sleepless in west coast crescent...

i hate losing sleep. sleep has been elusive and therez nothing i want more but sleep now but i just can't. i don't know why. God help...this is disgusting and i'm so frustrated i wanto do nothing but scream/bleet. bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. its 3 am.

in the multitude of my anxieties within me,
your comforts delight my soul

oh wow!

i'm so glad that there is nothing NOTHING that the devil can do to harm me. His power has been stripped. let me explain this...i just got it last night.

i was reflecting on the past year and boy has been a year fraught with so many challenges that i nv ever imagined having to go thru. and i've seen my faith surge and dip so low it was in the negative region. its ok. it was nv abt my faith anyway. He is still faithful.

it is starting to baffle me and sink in at the same time(praise God) of the magnitude of the work of the cross. how it can endure and still have effects even this very day. and tomorrow..and to see me through all my tomorrows, in earth or in heaven 2000 years after it all first began. and how finished it really is and how i can rest. wonderful. i'm still in the midst of rediscovering His rest but thats not what i wanted to say.

yesterday He gave me an insight abt the past year. with regards to certain challenges that i had to go through and when i saw how unnecessary it was, i was almost reduced to tears. but thank God for His sweet comfort, now i've learnt and am wiser in that aspect. i saw myself in a circle...shielded. i think thats the place under the shadow of His wings. and there were darts coming in my direction. if i had stayed still, they'll jsut fall a short distance away from me, and will not be able to touch me. however, what i did was i tried to fend these evil darts away from myself and in doing so, got hurt. now u noe what is chor teng.(cantonese i think) yes....it was my middle name this year.now u noe why He says "Be still, and know that i am God" and "stand still and see my salvation".it was written all over the bible for me. yes especially me. i could even run out of the safety of his refuge just to chase the darts away thinking in mock-heroism that my puny actions could amount to anything.

but that was seriously all the devil could do!haha..shoot in my direction. not at me. there is a distinctive difference here. His power was stripped at the cross and even if weopons are assembled against me...they shall fall for my sake!its in isaiah..my favourite book in the bible. and they sure wun prosper...(that u all all noe)

sometimes its jsut so humbling to get a revelation abt how stupid u really are, how u really cannot do anything to save ur own fingernails, how much u need Him.ok in my case, since i'm the least of the lot, of all u wise smart and STILL pple, all the time.

and He that first made me still keeps me alive...