Help me,God!!

I don't know what it is but I feel like curling up in bed and just sleeping the day away tomorrow. Had a rough day battling fatigue, commuting,chores and the dark moods that threaten to obscure my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I just don't feel like praying for others. There is a rapid inception of thoughts such as' you can't even help yourself. Why pray for others?' I know it's the enemy talking and I should retaliate with intensified prayer but I'm just so tired.

I also feel very used and ignored by some friends and I'm very close to sanctioning an embargo on just about everyone. Again, I'm well aware that this is another scheme to sow discord and threaten long time friendships and godly alliances but i feel so helpless against the flood of negativity unleashed at me.

Don't know how to get through this week. A shipment that was supposed to arrive in June is on the way. I wasn't notified of it's early release and thinking I have time to spare, I went to say yes to help out in various errands and packed my weekend with gatherings and a baby shower. Church fast begins tomorrow and with a prayer meeting in the evening. I don't know how I'm going to drag myself up jubilee road to church given that im already lifeless while well fed. It has to be by His divine grace and mercy. I wonder what god will accomplish during this fast and I'm waiting in eager anticipation. Without a doubt, Jesus is on his way back and I want tone found ready and faithful.

Gearing up to pray his kingdom come!

God help me!!

He knows

I'm amazed and in awe of how uch He really knows. Many might think this is pretty daft since God is omniscient. Maybe I should put it like this, I'm amazed at the littlest thing about me that He knows and yet discover nothing is too minute that He doesn't care about. He knows when I was battling my private fears in the solitary confines of my study at night. He kept my husband awake (I'm sorry!) and told him exactly how to address those fears. I am amazed that He intervenes even in these matters. He truly keeps watch and neither slumbers nor sleep. And of course, He knows what tomorrow holds and where life will take me/has taken me. I don't have the answers to many of life's perplexing questions but the safe sweet knowledge of knowing that He knows makes me feel so indescribably secure. Since He knew that this and that would happened, He will have a plan. He will also intervene. He knows. "I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing"

left-behind phobia

I hate being left behind.

Case(s) in point:
-I am ok with travelling for work but I'm a lot less ok if husband has to.
-I am very open to the idea of relocation and leaving friends and family behind but if the situation was reversed, I'd be a lot sadder.
-I'd rather be the one who dies first.

I always want to be the first to pull the plug. If the plug has to be pulled.

I abhor farewells when it comes to those so dear to my heart but if I know they are leaving, I start withdrawing emotionally before they do so physically.

I want to leave my footprints all over the globe but I want to carry the smitherines of my heart with me whereever I go. Maybe that's why. Because I only truly feel safe alone. Then no one gets to leave me behind.

So forgive me, to those whom I've known long enough to put up with my fleeting nature.
To those who want to know me more, forgive me for fortifying my heart so well you can't reach it.
To those whom I've left behind, forget me. I'm not worth it.

轉機 粵語 - 潘瑋柏

So I'm on my very slow ascent to being canto-pop queen.

This song really touched me. It's super poetic ...I think. Kelda thinks I probably don't know what it really means but I think I got the meaning.

Lovelovelove!

Vintage

This girl I met in Orchard today mistook me for a sprightly early 20s girl. When I gently broke the news of my real age, she was visibly taken aback and what came out of her next as she tried to redeem herself from the sticky situation was, "err, at your age still can lah."

she was a talent scout.

Lying to yourself

Guilty as charged.

Psalm 119:29

"Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.

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What if Jesus came back tomorrow?

How will I be found?

In the light of all the tragedy happening and the unrest in the Middle East fuelling talk about the Apocolypse, I can't help but wonder if I'd be ready for His return.

'Readify me'. I don't want to be left behind.

Silencing my worst critic

I don't know how I'm going to get through this week. Heck, I don't even know how I'm going to get through this life.

Feeling so faint and light-headed and sooo sleep deprived. I know I did myself in with my horrible eating habits and have no one but myself to blame. This is lesson #33453345 in healthy living and I still haven't passed the module and graduated.

I bailed on my dentist today. I didn't even cancel the appointment. I went there, EARLY to be informed I'd have to wait. Way past my appointment time because they overscheduled. So I went home and brought lunch to sick husband instead. I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years and at this rate, it just seems like a classic case of 'not-meant-to-be'.

Last night as I lay awake battling heartburn and acid reflux, I thought about how discontented I am, perenially. And it hit me that perhaps the root of it is that I myself am plagued with a sense of never being good enough. I am prepared to go unnoticed, forgotten and bypassed. Fundamentally, this intrinsic feeling of being not good enough for a job, for people, for life mirrors itself when I start to feel like certain situations etc etc are not good enough for me.

I need to know what is my value and that I can pull the brakes of this quest of perfectionism. I am tired of this never-ending ascend with no peak and no end in sight. It is a ruse to get me distracted from all the blessings I have been endowed with and my pursuit of Jesus. Instead, I get caught up in my own goals (and I have too many unmet) and lead me to strife...with myself.

I don't know how to work this issue out except by prayer. I need to resist the strong temptation of comparing myself to my circle of over-achieving peers. I need to count my blessings and just learn to love myself abit more, one step at a time. I need to forgive myself, for the countless mistakes and errors I've made and for the many more that will come, by virtue of being me.

friends forever..not

In my wildest fantasies, I'd like to have this executed:

To issue you you and you official notice that you are not permitted in my lives in any way. It will be cathartic because my heart journeyed with yours through your valleys only to be ambushed by betrayal and lies during your mountain-top sojourns.

I just want every memory of you you and you obliterated. Because you really are a lousy person. Now I see. I have been blind but now I have the prerogative of hindsight and you are really a lousy person.

Go away. And take your knives on your way out. Stop trying to pretend to be chummy.

Unfortunately, I can only rant here. In my private sphere. And the lousy people in question will never read it. Never know. And I'm too tired to field endless questions/emails/smses of why I seem to be unavailable or start a petty version of world war 3.

**
Really think I'd like to be unavailable more often and let 2011 be the year of Unavailability. After april, I'll be unavailable for baby showers, weddings, birthdays etc. I'll have my own agenda and just be...unavailable and invisible like..vapour.

I'll work hard, play hard , on my own turn, on my own terms. I'll read voraciously, cook like Martha Stewart and make sure my brittle nails turn into iron and never fall off. At the risk of sounding like a certain disgraced pageant queen, I'll let it be more about me and stop fretting or getting upset. I'll let it slide, confront it or forget it. I'll watch The Soong sisters like a thousand times and savour every last bit of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (final season). I'll avoid poisonous influences and purge poisonous people of my life. I'll detox and both physically and spiritually.

And hopefully by 2012, I'll still have friends and people who remember me.

reap what you sow

Heartburn.

Defiance and stupidity

So I've got a potential threat of a throat infection bug in close proximity but I went ahead and wolfed down 15 satays.

God save me from gluttony.

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stuck stuck stuck

Nobody seems to want to hire me unless I'm willing to travel at least 50-80% of the time. Apparently, I'm of little use in Singapore alone.

To be honest, I lived to travel and it was hard to think of a life otherwise say, 10 years ago. I want to be an aeroplane, failing which, pilot, failing which....other means of being paid to travel. Now, I'm stuck. Rooted and stuck. I cannot travel because family obligations bound me. I cannot find work that wants me to stay put put put in SG.

Just as well. My heart isn't here either, if not for Isaac.

I need to revisit old places, immerse in a different culture and visit new places all over again.

Steroids day 2

Side effects: insomnia, euphoria and mania.

Husband thinks I'm quite weirded out. Dancing on the spot. Sleeping at 7 pm buried under pillows then waking up later giggling away and now I'm wide awake unable to sleep.

Just went to sniff him while he is sleeping like a log. Tickle him with my hair n watch him squirm uncomfortably.

Teehee.giggle.

Can you guys hear the marbles??ping pong!

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Veggie tales

I know God has a plan for me. Just ...WHAT IS IT EXACTLY?-breathes-

Having intense cravings for the following:
Brocoli
Fried Garlic
Sauteed shitake mushrooms

Must be the steroids. Driving me into vegetarianism.

Puffer Fish

Had dinner with Jacq tonight in what seemed like forever. Glad we did even though it nearly didn't happen.

An hour before meeting her, I had a drink and in the 15 minutes after that drink, the left side of my face was swelling. My gums felt like I had a peanut stuck on them and my vision was obscured by the swelling under my eyes and my cheeks seemed to have grown an inch.

In the waiting room at the doc's, I was swelling faster as the minutes went by. After popping steroids and antihisthamines then did it subside. So I went for dinner AND dessert still swollen and all. We bumped into another friend who exclaimed ''what happened??!!" like 100 times in 5 minutes. I was trying not to distract all the other diners and jacq and its amazing how we got to actually catch up proper inspite of the not-so-pleasing and terribly uncomfortable sight.

And I still don't know what I was allergic to since I've had tea at this outlet like too many times in a lifetime.

Bleah.

Most expensive tea I ever drank. Tea $1.50 + Doctor's fee: $47=heartache.

Husband, I'd like your rendition of this please. Go memorize and learn the lyrics

The world is awake and soaked in grief and panic

It seems rude and inappropriate to talk about anything else in the light of this catastrophic event. The foundations of the earth are literally being shaken as I type.

By now if you haven't already heard, you are probably living under a rock.

A ginormous 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit Japan causing untold devastation.

In addition to the escalating death toll in Japan itself, many others in countries sitting in affected areas where the plates are busy crashing into each other are unable to sleep in peace tonight. They are either getting ready to evacuate or busy evacuating due to Tsunami warnings. So many lives wrecked, so many precious lives.

I wonder now, what were the last hours like? In Japan, most were spent working (or slaving). It was reported in some less affected areas, some just went back to work. I was surprised to see that in some video footages taken in an office, the employees did not go under the table (which is a normal earthquake safety procedure) but instead tried in vain to salvage items like computers and documents. I wonder really, in that precarious moment as your life is vascilating along with the building you're in between life and death, what is really so important that you can't let go? Perhaps to them, even if they survived the earthquake but lost their life's work (or week's work) , because work has been the all in all in their lives, the sole ruling authority that dictates their thoughts and time, they would be just as good as dead if these were destroyed by the earthquake.

The shakings are so violet I got sick just watching the footages on tv. I see the helplessness in the woman waving for help from her bedroom window, trapped in her house. Elsewhere in Singapore, I see people thronging the IT fair hoarding trolleys strapped with printers and laptops. It's business as usual. For some unknown reason, we have been shielded from so many natural disasters. Our worst brushes with anything remotely catastrophic was the Orchard Road flood on 16 June 2010. (I have a knack for remembering dates, don't ask why). We are so encapsulated and while I thank God for His mercy, I can't help but wonder how many people here who are warm and toasty in their beds tonight stop a think about the fragility of life, the purpose of their being and the victims of this destruction.

Are we too comfortable and sheltered? Perhaps. What would it take to wake us up? If this happened in Singapore, to us, what will our reactions be? Will our lives and priorities be different after that? Will we still stubbornly hold fast to our petty grudges or whine at the tiniest inconvenience?

Newsflash

More news followed.

Going on to the next round of interview. Was told that out of 8 applicants, I was the only one going to the next round (until more resumes come in of course). This seems to be quite a picky employer and I don't know if I should be flattered or worried.

The only negative feedback I've got so far is that I might look too young for the job. I'm really almost pushing the great 30 and feel like a grand old dame. I've permed my hair, put on muted, natural make up and dressed more maturely and I still look too young?! Mildly exasperating.

They are still trying to push me towards the role they think I'm suited for but didn't apply. having observed and read what that brand does for branding, I am certain of 2 things: 1) I will learn a lot and 2) I will have no life.

Well, well, we'll see.
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Lost

In my estimation, the interview went really well even though they thought I seemed to be more qualified for another role, one that is similar to what I've been doing all along. I meekly protested against it and re-stated my preference for the one I applied for aka the one that they were supposed to be interviewing me for.

I am in a dilemma right now. I am not so much afraid that I won't get the job but I'm afraid to land the wrong job again. What if this is yet another job that will take me away from God and my family for too much and too long? What if it's just my ambition wreaking havoc again because this is 1)a prestigious company and industry leader 2) it's a once in a life-time opportunity.

In any case, I hope they don't get back to me so soon. There'll be 4 rounds of interview (kinda like the Idol show) and then I'll know for sure if I'm selected or not. Of course, they are also pitting me against many others who are way more qualified than I ever can be.

But if I don't get the job..then what? I can continue running the outfit that we have been doing for the last 3 years although it's increasingly less feasible. OR I could just be a mom. IF we can afford it. I don't know and I think my heart lies with the last option but I think of all the odds against us and I am just back to the square one of lost.

Jittery mess

I don't know why and how to begin describing this adrenaline rush but I'm super jittery about the interview later!

Not that I'm placing all my hopes in 1 basket but I just want to make sure I don't board a pirate ship this time.

:/

I need God to speak plainly and clearly!
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Evils of Envy

Envy slithers around like a serpent, searching for a prey. It is so insidious as it creeps up on your soul that if unguarded by truth and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, it can utterly destroy.

I've been at both spectrums of it. The envious and the envied.

As the envious, I have found myself covetous and indulging in self-pity. The envy blinds me to all that I have been so thoroughly blessed with while coveting that of others. I fail to see the slippery end that awaits and the wisdom of the old adage 'with great power comes great responsibility'. I was so caught up being self-centred and my apparent poverty. I was driven by an overwhelming desire for what I did not have and that is one of the enemie's greatest tool is driving a wedge between me and God. In essence, I was saying, '' I deserve this and you are not a good God by denying me this.''


As the envied, I've had trouble too. Friendships are strained as one constantly tries to prove his/her worth or outdo. I generally shy away from envy-prone personalities. Learnt to better identify them over the years and while I sympathise and empathise with the low self-esteem that is all too common an affliction, I am staying away! Never mind that they have what the world would deem as abundance and blessings, they just envy away the one little bit they don't have or perceive that you have in greater measure than them. Proverbs aptly puts it down to ''who can stand before jeolousy?" None. Not too keen about being the benchmark for someone to outdo to feel good. The worst is yet to be and only begins when despite numerous attempts, they are unable to outdo/acquire more.

wander lust

What if opportunities opened up elsewhere and closed up at 'home'?

What if it's my least favourite land?

I left my heart and footprints in another land, a one that I possibly can never call my own and I'm desperate to reclaim it. I think I was created to be a wanderer, to live out of a suitcase.

I need to start life anew. Make your way plain before me.

And if it's another land, I prefer to travel by air, not whale.

Faithfulness

Is something so deep, so exquisite and so rare. Especially in this treacherous day and age.

I learnt faithfulness by watching your undying steadfastness, your fierce commitment to stand by me even on my worst day. And I know I couldn't have chosen another. That you are the only one.

Watching you sleep now. It's a beautiful moment. Despite our bitter fights that threaten to tear us apart at times, moments like these testify that it is all worth it. To feel your soul shielding mine when life is too hard to bear and I'm insignificant and invisible to just about everyone else. This is a glimpse of heaven.

I love you Isaac Quek.

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What on earth

Just a tad morose.

It does get to me and makes me question my purpose, what I'm good at etc. No answers so far.

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Insight from a friend

In light of the recent upheavals and mayhem in my friendship with a particular someone, my friend poured forth her wisdom that provided valuable insight to my psyche.

At the demise/betrayal of a relationship, I always allow the endless hauntings of 'why's' harass me,robbing me of peace and joy. I want answers.

Why did you dump me?
Why did you betray me?
Why did you do this knowing it'll hurt me?

I have spent the last 27 years of my life in naïveté, convinced that 1+1=2. That if kindness begets kindness and loyalty begets loyalty. And just because there are no obvious answers to why people behave in ways that cannot be explained by this simple equation that should govern human relationships, I find my soul embedded in hurt and puzzlement with no closure at the sudden demise of a relationship, no matter how old it is.

Without these answers, I get no closure and I just go on wondering what drove people to make such decisions and what is wrong with me that makes them do things that will compromise me.

I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wondering why but I've arrived at the place whereby it will no longer surprise me when relationships Ho awry even when all the necessary ingredients are in place and the recipe is followed assiduously. It takes 2 to clap and for now, my deduction is that you, you, you and you just didn't care enough to do your part so I'll take my leave n walk away.

Good riddance.

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Reversal of roles

doctor: your life is really bad.
me: trials are temporary. Gotta maintain some optimism and faith.

who's who?
Btw, they ran out of my drugs and I now have to go to another pharmacy to get it via prescription.

Today,after a 1plus month sick leave of absence to get my mind and life sorted put,I start work officially.

Apprehensive yet excited all at once my heart is bursting with praise for god.I'm not confident at all of anything,especially my abilities to fill the large shoes of expectations but I know god will be there to strengthen and hold my hand through it all. And that's all I need.

I look to him for help and blessings for this new season and stay calm but poised for surprise at what he has in store for me.

I love u lord.thank you so much.

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of ICQ and other ancient artefacts

It happened again.

Slept at 10pm woke up at 2 + am.

And here I am now. Bleurgh.

Tried to log into my ICQ account earlier. Blast from the past with some of the best memories (and most embarassing ones). I wonder what happened to it. I lost my user id and password but remembered my UIN.

Missing some friends. Wishing they'd call. Not at 3 am of course, but eventually coz I've so lost touch. But if they did, what would we say? What would I say? Perhaps, "Hi, how have you been? Been a while. I have insomnia and you popped up at 3 am"

Being a Gideon

Gideon-When you're afraid to move forward but can't look back.

Small and weak
Heard you
Unable
Show me a sign
Desperate
Anyway anyhow

The present trial

At least trying times drives me to God for all that it's worth, I know it's worth it.

Job hunt is still inconclusive with negotiations attaining no progress. Am not extremely optimistic either way either way: with both current company and the search for new ones. Everything seems to sum up to communicate what a failure I am. I seem to be paper underqualified for just about every job I've applied even though I've been doing it for..5 years.

It's a superficial world that constantly instils nothing but self-doubt and discouragement. I would probably be able to muster more tenacity in me to perservere if not for the severe lack of sleep. The sleep deficit is costing me too much and I see no way out of this hell hole as yet.

The wonderous miracle of it all is that somehow, inspite of the frustrations, I have an abiding peace in me. It might sound absolutely preposterous but somehow I know I just have to wait it out the best way I can and continue to sit at his feet and wait. That's the privilege and trial of every child of God because waiting was designed to do something to the spirit. It's like a refiner's fire to purge out impurities and draw out the very best that will otherwise lay dormant.

I can't quite snuff out the cries of despair and other thoughts that try to weigh down my soul just like how I can't quite stop my nose from being runny now.

Jesus, give me strength to cling on harder to you and all your truth.

The burden of prosperity

" Abundant grace enabled him (Paul) to bar abundant prosperity. When he had a full sail he was loaded with much ballast, and so floated safely. It needs more than human skill to carry the brimming cup of mortal joy with a steady hand, yet Paul had learned that skill, for he declares, " In all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry. " It is a divine lesson to know how to be full, for the Israelites were full once, but while the flesh was yet in their mouth, the wrath of God came upon them. Many have asked for mercies that they might satisfy their own hearts' lust. Fulness of bread has often made fulness of blood and that has brought on wantoness of spirit. When we have much of God's providential mercies, it often happens that we have butlittle of God's grace and little gratitude for the bounties we have received. We are full and we forget God: satisfied with earth, we are content to do without heaven. Rest assured it is harder to know how to be full than it is to know how to be hungry--so desperate is the tendency of human nature to pride and forgetfulness of God."-Charles Spurgeon.

Insomnia

This is not good. At all.

Thank God the meeting tomorrow was postponed. Otherwise, I'd be a complete zombie.

I must have over-excited both brain and stomach. My stomach is apparently still busy digesting the huge dinner I had with Cali. There's like a cyclone living inside and it's making loud sounds.

Refuse to return to my sleeping pills so now I just have to rough it out even if it means being completely zonked out tomorrow. I can't sleep late even though I technically have the luxury to, thanks to the construction two blocks down.

Was just thinking about the last month and how I took the opportunity to devour all sorts of information that I could get my hands on on the following topics of interest:
-Microexpressions
-Criminal profiling
-Crime scene investigation
-Miscarriages of justice
-Spiritual Depression
-Acupoints
-Food (ok, last one was not a surprise)

Despite the adrenaline high I get from reading about my pet topics, I am ready to hit the treadmill of life and get back to work. Now now, if only it'll get sorted out soon.

God, help me resolve this stalemate. In the meantime, help me to utilize the last days of my freedom according to Your preferences.

The farce

In reference to the famous Philipian verse:

Be care for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God

"What does the apostle tell us to do when we are threatened by anxiety? He does not just say: 'Stop worrying, pull yourself together'. The apostle does not say that for the good reason that totell a person in that condition to stop worrying is useless. Incidentally, it is also bad psychology. That is what is called repression"-Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression.

I have been a victim too often in my life to the common enemy of anxiety. This has lead to both well and ill-meaning people that surround me to use this verse as a generic rod to beat me into forcefully stopping my tendency to worry. Never once did it work and more often than not, it breeds a sense of despair and helplessness.

I hate psychology disguised in Christian cloak. Call a spade a spade but don't clothe it under something so glorious and parade it as your own.

The bible is clear about our human depravity and what we really are-nothing. In this, God's grace is made even clearer to me when I see that He has made provision even for this. So to the strong and worry-free, I suspect that you either have nothing to worry about living in your detached cocoon of illusion or that your sanity has already gone over the edge.

I know for sure the taste of this medicine you freely dole out will not be sweet.
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Post CNY

The fatigue is really taking a toll.

I definitely overdosed on my Aunty's sedap curry and now my throat is threatening to rebel against the harsh treatment.

Overall, I survived CNY. I rebelled in many ways also and there's officially a stand-off/cold war. I made my point and I'm leaving it at that. Great sense of relief and it is so liberating to finally allow my silent screams to have a voice.

I was all determined to have a restful CNY and not oblige to every single invitation and repeat last year's nightmare of endless cooking and cleaning. It didn't work. I managed to escape the slave of kitchen bit but still exhausted my days going out to meet friends. I'm glad these people insulate my attempts of 'hermitdom'. I am so unwilling to crawl out of my shell these days and so relish reading and other solitary activities. In the silence, I can be myself and while that's not always a good thing, my favourite part is being able to hear and sort out my own thoughts. In the past, I just always had too much stimuli.

Now, I'm preparing to restart work. Still don't know where God will lead and how to navigate these unchartered territories. Hope it works out.

new hair

The curls are more relaxed now and I finally feel I can let my hair down when I go out.

Eve of Eve of CNY. I'm not excited or happy. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Want to be a hermit and hide under the covers. Go away world. Go ahead and rain me in.

Walled up

It hasn't stopped raining in 3 days.

I appreciate the coolness and I think my air conditioners appreciate the break as well. They have been working hard for me.

I am devolving to more and more of a hermit and increasingly possessive of my personal time. I think the emptiness is my best friend. Feel so encroached on when his mum asked us to stay over. I was almost indignantly furious. To top it off, she gave me expired fishballs. And no, I'm not over the ONE tomato saga. I really feel so trapped and hounded. This has got to be one of the worst times of the year. I hate being the recipient of your leftovers and your annual fridge spring cleaning endeavours.

I feel this constant need to protect myself from the corrupt values surrounding me, I know what I'm vulnerable and susceptible and how fragile I really am. That's why I need to stay away from poisonous influences and stimuli like a hyperchondriac from germs.

Leave me alone.

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Consolation

Psalm 138:8

" The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, OLord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps138.8.NLT

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rested

We finally have a guest room! Sorta. He bought a really expensive bed so we can afford to have ONE guest. The church very often hosts visitors from overseas and it's been the same few people hosting for awhile. We still got quite a long way to go to clearing out my 'laundromat'. I have a disgusting amount of clothes and bags. Need to start giving them away. Some of them still have tags on them.

Despite the fairer weather and sightings of rainbows on the mood front, I still have some difficult valleys to sojourn through. Being alone is like a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives me room to sort out my thoughts and think. On the other, it makes me vulnerable and pre-dispositioned to my worst vice: thinking too much. I mull and I ponder and then it leads to worry without solutions or an anchored faith that 'it is well with my soul'.

My social calendar seems awfully maxed out and I cherish the times of solitude so badly. Yes, I do get many hours a day alone but those have to be spent with my mind on some basic chores and well...I don't even know what. I don't even know why I'm always invited to something. I guess that it is a good thing and it's also ok to turn some invites down. And these are good people. It's just that I don't know how to choose anymore and a part of me does want to go. I just end up super tired after and it messes up my delicate routine that I'm trying to establish after having a hey-wire one for so long.

God help me. I'm having a meeting with the GM after the 8th to discuss my role in the company. It may or may not work out. I have to agree with pay package and most importantly, the portfolio. Am done trying to be everything although part of me relishes running the show from behind the scenes. The temptation is so strong but I'm prepared to walk away from the table if it doesn't feel right. I'm not 22 anymore. My career ambitions have yet to abate and I know I'll be heading for another crash if I do what I always do. My first priority still needs to be my family. I don't know how it's all going to work out but He will sort it out.

:/

Had my first reunion dinner with my family today. Was a costly affair but I guess it was worth it. Been awhile and there wasn't a hint of any of the past turbulence in my relationship with my parents.

Isaac had a good chat with my straight-as-an-arrow brother. When we asked how was his Israel trip, his answer was a simple 'good'. When we asked what he saw, he went 'mountains and blah blah'. Hardly worth the 3k + the parents spent to send him there. And believe it or not, he didn't take a single picture! He didn't even bring his camera or took anything with his iphone. SIGH.

Was supposed to help and plan steamboat dinner for homegroup but it is starting to look like a logistical nightmare. Simon just invites and scaled it up without considering the details and now Joanne and I are flabbergasted that we have 20+ people and..no steamboat. She already ordered most of the raw stuff so we can't even cancel and switch to a restaurant instead. To top it off, we don't have enough tables and chairs! Oh well.

On another note, I'm still woozy. Nearly fell back when I stood up because I was so lightheaded. I wonder what's wrong. I was given a clean bill of health by the doctors but there are these persisting symptoms that suggest otherwise. I eat well, sleep (quite) well. And, inspite of the crazy incessant over-indulgence of food in HK AND BINTAN, I managed to lose weight. I suspected hyper-thyroidism but I'm apparently all clear in this area. But I'm not new to this. I've realized that in the past, the more I eat, the more weight I lose. It seems like my metabolism increases when I erm..exercise my jaw.

I am uber weird.

Redemption hill family

It's almost 1 am and the skies are crying.

For some reason, despite the inconvenience it causes, I very much prefer the rain to the scorching heat. Maybe I should even stock up on some rain boots and ponchos so I can go on with my daily activities unhindered. This weather is so much more romantic and it cheers me up so much more than cloudless days under the scorching sun.

My leave is coming to an end soon (if things go as planned) and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited yet apprehensive all at the same time. But leaving it in God's hands. Somehow, I'm not too worried anymore. This break has helped to clear my head and taught me to take life one step at a time. There will be enough grace for every moment, every trial.

Still feeling a tad seasick for the ferry ride back home from Bintan. I heard it'll take a week to subside. The waters were extremely choppy and we spent the entire hour playing charades. It was hilarious. I've really grown very close to this group. So close I'm a tad afraid that I'll have to leave them, that if anyone of them leaves, it'll break my heart. Every single one is so precious and it truly feels like family. I never thought it'd be possible to find such a strong brother/sisterhood in christ here on earth ever again but I did and I thank God for it.

We learnt alot about each other during the trip and everyone concurred that I'm a spoilt vampire in disguise. I shy away from the sun even though we were at a beautiful beach resort and am constantly wearing shades and piling on the SPF. I was also very 'blur' and excitable. Apparently, my team (which includes another MGS girl) would scream the loudest even though we came in last. It is kinda comical because we honestly didn't realize the other teams had beaten us to the games (charades etc) and we thought we were the first to get the answer!

So barely a day after the retreat, though physically exhausted, we were already planning a steamboat reunion at Si and Tarryn's place this friday. Unbelievable. We cannot seem to get enough of each other and whenever someone disappears for work/study commitments such as duty travel, their absence is so palpable.

God has really restored and placed the solitary in families. Now, we are arriving at the place whereby we share our vulnerable secrets, weal and woe. For eg, we all share Joanne's pain and always semi-jest about how it is our cell-group's goal to raise 200k to free her from her bond from a particular slave-driver employer. We missed Karen because she had to miss this trip for a good friend's wedding. We pain and agonize with Tarryn in her hour of affliction. We celebrate each other's victories and walk hand in hand in the dark valleys.

Something so beautiful is happening here and I'm so glad I'm part of it. So inspite of the fact that I'm so not a sun, sea and sand girl, I'm glad I went for the trip. And even if I do get freckles or whatever from the merciless sun, for once, it'll be worth it.

I do hope however that they'll consider shadier places for our next outing. Like Malacca..At least the food will be better.

Shumei even joked that I'm so spoilt that if we were to head along to Mongolia for our mission trip, I'd probably just fly in from some 1st tier city like Shanghai/beijing for the activities and then fly out the moment it's done. I beg to differ. I think with these people, I have learnt that it is quite ok to forego some comforts and I'm happy to be part of this journey. I want to be part of this. I've learnt so much from them, been so inspired by them, been so touched by their love. Now I just want to give back.

Thank you God for these folks. Bless them so much and may Your bonds of love bind us together always, no matter where we go.

Reflections from HK

The two escapades away from home were fruitful despite being very physically exhausting. Note to self: do not pack 2 trips within the same week.

HK: was an eye opener in many aspects. It was the first time Isaac came along with me and he thought it was a romantic city. I found it preposterous and threw out the thought with a scoff. HK is often generalized (and misunderstood) for being 'souless' with a self-centred populace. The city was also often crowded and noisy AND the air thick with smog. Hardly fits into anyone's notion of romantic. Except my strange boy.

But what is it that draws me back time after time? I don't think it's solely the cheap buys and savings. Somehow I'm in love with this city and everytime I head home to SG, I feel like my heart behind. There is something about the energy and vibrance of this city pulsating like the heartbeat of the city. There is loneliness in the eyes of commuters desperately shying away from any eye contact in this densely populated city. There are the very rich and the very poor, separated by a huge gulf. I could walk around aimlessly just watching the people. Like many other global cities, hurts and fatigue lie concealed underneath the veneer of the designer togs and shades.

I attempted to speak to an old lady sitting by the street corner in busy Mongkok with my broken cantonese. After our brief conversation, I headed off after passing her a $20 note but couldn't get the image of her out of my mind. How lonely, how sad the destitution. It's just not right. The throngs of people shuffling around in the designer togs and shopping bags while the poor sit below the poverty line in the corner of the dirty streets, in the cold. It's just not right that we are co-existing and turning a blind eye to the voiceless populace. It's just not right.

Perhaps I am too rich in my bank and too poor in my soul. Maybe it's not true giving until it hurts. Jesus gave all that He had. The $20 didn't even make a significant dip to my pocket. I can't help but remember the rich young ruler who was turned away by the Lord himself because he couldn't bring himself to part with his worldly comforts. Squatting there in the corner with the old lady for that brief moment made me almost embarassed. Of myself. Embarassed that I haven't shared lavishly what I've been given so richly. Embarassed of the poverty in my own soul that manifests in whining and self-pity when things don't go my way. Embarassed at my laments that I can't afford certain luxuries.

Change me Lord.

Help me to love, like You do. Help me to abandon my attachment to worldly things and truly ''seek Ye first, Your righteousness'. Help me to all that you want me to be to the lost, the poor, the Jesusless.

How now?

I got two job offers without sending my resume out. (no, not insurance or banking sales)

Now..now. how?

How true

Psalm 39:6

" We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/Ps39.6.NLT

Sent from my iPhone

hubs is sick.

Isaac caught some flu bug 2 days ago. Apart from the sniffles, I'm still holding out. His fever has receded and then came back with a vengeance. 2 visits to the doctor later we emerged from the clinic with 'upgraded' antibiotics.

The poor boy has been in agony. He sleeps most of the time and I cancelled most of my appointments to be at home to serve and nurse him. He hasn't been this sick for quite awhile. Come to think of it, he hasn't really had a flu since he started consuming the crazily expensive cordyceps everday.

It's a little odd that the tables are turned. Usually I'm the one in bed not being able to breathe and feverish. It's actually quite nice (in a weird way) to be the one serving and nursing. While I fully empathize with his pain, it's quite 'refereshing' (if I may use the word) to have him at my mercy and talk less. On my end, I am more obliging and is busy whipping up healthy porridges infused with every available flu-fighting nutrition.

I may have to cancel and bail out of the wedding after all and serve my notice with an ang pow instead. Friend wouldn't be pleased but I doubt my absence will be noticed. It wouldn't be right at all to leave a man who is my covenanted husband at home alone when he is debilitated and weak from almost 39 degrees fever. I'd just feel safer being around checking on his temp, sponging him every now and then, feeding him and making sure he gets enough fluids etc.

Broken wings

My achilles heel: getting too self-absorbed.

When it rains just as I step out of the house, I think all about my inconvenience and how it must always rain on my parade. I get frustrated. It does not occus that everyone else , under this same piece of the stormy sky is also inconvenienced.

Life cannot be rich when it's all about self. I introspectively examine my failures and focus so much I forget that the earth is still rotating on the same axis and that Jesus is still coming back.

I realized everytime I board a plane headed to somewhere, I somehow never fail to get surprised when the plane lands in another destination. I never fail to marvel that a single tubular vessel can defy gravity and take me away from home. But I was born to travel, to find romance roaming alone through streets with the Lord. In my apparent solitude, I feel peace and appreciate His sweet company. I can afford to get lost. Unlike life now.

I am always in a hurry to go somewhere but am always a crying mess when I have to say goodbye at the airport. Isn't it so strange that I'm fiercely independent and yet my heart clings to so much at home.

I have my best moments on the plane. I watch all the movies I don't get to watch and because I can't work, I am 'forced' to make myself comfortable (no matter how cramped the seat is) , recreate and talk to God. Many of the times I hear His whisper most clearly, it is on a flight. I am more tolerant of discomfort in the air. I don't know if this enhanced closeness to God has anything to do with the fact that I'm in the clouds.

Was born with wings but now they're broken.

Isaiah 40: 3
...they shall mount up with wings like eagles...

Loopy thoughts

I cannot be anyone else. I was made to only be me.

The real trouble now (to everyone else), is that being me is a menace on many fronts.

"Call me a miscreation, I'm a walking celebration"
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Ready to start anew?

I think I stepped too hard on the brakes.

Now I'm thrown back, hard and I don't know how to proceed. I'm scared to start and go again but I can't sit here strapped (and trapped).

I struggle like a cold-turkey junkie to resist the urge to check my mails. When I occasionally do and see it load like flies descending on decay in my inbox, my pulse speeds up and I feel like I need to run.

At this rate, I might morph and devolve into a korean-movie, chinese song KTV regular. They are both sappy and slow enough for me.

It's 2011.

It's been more than a decade since I thought robots would come and rule the world in 2000, amongst many other things.

I am stumped and want to leave this land.

Compassion

John 11:33

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled."

See it at YouVersion.com:

http://bible.us/John11.33.ESV

Sent from my iPhone

Eve of new year's eve

This time of the year, I'm extra fidgety because I'm not brave enough to come to terms with the fact that one whole year has gone passed in a flash and here we are, at the threshold of another unknown.

There is a strange romanticism in facing this alone (so to speak) because God is so close and you know come what may, even if I had to cross through hellfire, He will be there.

We will watch the year deplete of it's last glories like a sunset and wait in anticipation (and trepidation) for a new year.

What really lies ahead? I have no clue. Except that my God is already there.
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I'm not alone

Maybe I'm not as alone as I think.

Am amazed at the numerous parallels between our stories. Between mine and yours, between mine and a novel's plot and even silly movies.

These help me gain another perspective and strangely provide an awesome sense of comfort. Somewhere out there, there are peope going through similar predicaments, searching for the same answers. I might not know you but we're on the same journey. I know at least somewhere out there, if I ever had to chance to confide in you, you'd empathize.

If only we knew our destinations and answers like the finale of a drama series which we can fast forward to.

If only.

27th Christmas

It was good by most standards. I wished the birthday boy happy birthday and determined in my heart to not let my own gloom, or anything at all overshadow the joy of this occassion.

Jesus, I'm thankful for a lot but mostly, I'm thankful for You.

Had a panic attack while napping. This was a sneaky one that threatened to ruin the day. By God's grace, it didn't. Will not go into the details of it but it was nicely ambushed and unexpected. Isaac refuses to leave me alone for too much but spent most of the day sleeping. Poor boy. I empathize with fatigue. He attempted to cook noodles thrice as per my instructions. Didn't work and the resident chef of the house had to come in for rescue. He cracked no egg but I managed to crack a smile.

I reconnected with the lovely Pam and we chatted and it's amazing how much we can share over msn in such a short time. God, I miss that girl. Has it been a decade since she injected coffee into my veins? Now, we're all grown up and she is injecting Godly perspective into my life. How awesome. I'm so proud of this girl.

Brother spent this christmas in the holy land (I hope he was in a manger) coz I am jeolous.

On the way back from dinner after church, zac and I were both caught in crazy thunderstorm that has been inundating SG. It was funny rushing in the rain. We got home soaked and cold but had a good laugh. His valiant but vain attempt to shelter me from the strong winds with his skinny body was also hilarious.

January 2011 looms ahead. God, you must have something planned. Please tell me soon.

Look at what came in the mail

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-----Original Message-----
From: DAVID WILKERSON TODAY <no-reply@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Date: 24 Dec 2010 02:03:06
To: <devotions-en@lists.worldchallenge.org>
Reply-To: devotions@davidwilkerson.org
Subject: YOU WILL SURVIVE

David Wilkerson Today

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2010

YOU WILL SURVIVE

Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True
happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and
pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in
the past.

You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you
are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up
at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!

Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or
die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much
you can bear with God's help.

You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to
you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in
heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal
his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you
can't see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and
simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence.
He wants you to cry aloud, "Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail
me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be
defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my
direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon
that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17).
 



Read this devotion online: http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/11171


Pulpit Series Newsletters
================================================================================

Sifted Saints, 12.13.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/sifted-saints

Handcuffed to Jesus, 11.22.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/handcuffed-to-jesus

A Skeptic's Guide to Crossing the Jordan, 11.01.10
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/coverletter/2010/skeptics-guide-to-crossing-the-jordan


Sermons By David Wilkerson
================================================================================

A Call to Anguish, 05.01.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/sermons/david_wilkerson/2003/call_to_anguish

Crisis Praying, 09.26.03
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2615

Living Without Fear, 01.25.08
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/2640



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Lighter

Read an interesting quote but I'm not sure who it originated with : "life is like photography, it is developed by negatives".

Today can be considered 'groundbreaking' in many ways. I had to confront so much including stuff I was no longer accustomed to. Hours of almost non-stop meetings and my brain is not as dynamic as I'd thought it to be.

It was just a brief foretaste of what is to come and I was forced to 'disclaim' the journey I had made. I am no longer so sure of my abilities and my supposed strengths. I used to be able to juggle with ease, now I fear to drop the balls. Obsession masqueraded as drive and while I used to be dynamic, now I'm just happy to not trigger an eruption of too many things at ago.

Over the past two years, I've had to re-organize my priorities and slay many golden calves that I'd erected in place of the throne of the only true God. While the journey has been fraught with pain and despair, having had to come to the end of myself and doubting everything I thought I knew, I do not regret it and deem it necessary. I do not think it was the devil like I used to. The enemy is an opportunist and while it would be in his nature to capitalize on my archilles' heel with temptations, I truly think God orchestrated all this because He loves me. He had to show me the conceit, the ruthless ambition, the self-righteousness that reigned in place of Him. He had to strip me of my strengths so that I will lean on only Him alone. He had to endure malignment of His character from a beloved child He gave everything for the joy that she will one day see the light and step into His plan for her life.

Like David, Jeremiah, Job and Elijah, I had ranted in my despair. I had determined in my heart never to be 'sold out' for God because the lot I get in return does not commesurate. Now, in His light, every opportunity I had to give, was His opportunity to give to me. Sometimes, it was a lesson to strengthen my character, an insight to gain wisdom, other times, a glimpse of His character. Unlike them though, I was never that 'sold out' for Him. I was not a man after His own heart or a young prophet called to proclaim a truth that had zero mass appeal. I did not stay faithful in the face of complete utter worldly ruin and I did not protect His glory in the face of strong opposition.

But that's me :Unprofitable servant and Beloved child that He went to calvary for. Ironically, this apparent dichotomy will forever define me.

Fw: Playing improvised tic tac toe with wedding decor at a wedding while waiting for bride and groom. :)

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28 oceans

December 7, 1982.

The day I'll forever be thankful for.

We had a lovely weekend of celebrations and I can't thank God enough for His gift of friendship through so many precious ones that have become like family. The brotherhood in Him is such a glorious tapestry, interwoven with His love. Such a glorious masterpiece.

So glad he enjoyed himself despite the tiredness. The feasting was great but the company was even better. We also probably stuffed ourselves with enough japanese food for the next 6 months.

Now we're on the way to cross into another season, sail across another ocean together. I'm excited because of who I have with me to take this journey with.

Happy Birthday my dearest husband. Love you so much.

Tis the season for toffee nut lattes.

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I'm letting go.

For someone who isn't exactly the epitome of cheery, I have a significant bit of lines on my face that suggest otherwise. The crow's feet around my eyes are getting more pronounced. This is slightly ironic as I really don't remember smiling much (sincerely at least) If these were obtained due to my patronizing obligatory smiles and nods....it wouldn't be worth it.

On another note, I'm a lot more 'zen' now regarding the situation. Perhaps God is really stripping me apart layer by layer to expose the idols I've erected to worship in place of Him. Upon examining my own heart, I really can't say that it isn't true and if I were God, no matter how painful, I'd do it too.

I'll take it as a season of detox as He sorts through the deep layers embedded in my heart. In the meantime, I'll learn (hopefully) to fear nothing except Him and to have no other throne in my heart except His.

Uncertainty is the surest certainty but it's the hardest concept to grasp as I crave for stability, predictability and well, certainty. But life is an adventure that I cannot afford to miss. I just hope I'm buckled tightly in His grace and beyond that, let His will be done in my life. I'm letting go.

Mule

Stubborness is akin to only listening and agreeing with yourself, dismissing everyone else.
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Boy having fun at science centre

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Uphill trek with no peak in sight

I'm evaluating my options and even though there doesn't seem to be many, it's taking me an awful long time.

What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?

It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.

I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.

I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.

If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.

If I could, I'll simplify me.

Mistaken

I am always shocked when I realize that I'm mistaken about people. I've never been naïve enough to 'believe the best' but neither am I overly cynical (I think).

So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.

On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.

I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
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5.49 am

So this is how the early morning looks/feels like.

The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.

I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.

Almost 2011

I can't decide what to feel about the fast depleting 2010.

On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.

But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.

This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.

I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?

Reboot please

It could have been a very romantic evening with the gentle cool breeze, a souvenir from the passing showers.

It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.

Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.

Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?

Mount Merapi

I'm not happy.

But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.

In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.

And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.

Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.

pin ball

1) Rojak mix of sadness and deep anger
2)Talitha Koum
3)Confronted a very unlikeable soul. Didn't do too much to quench the fire within.
4)Wants to file some people away in the 'archives' folder of my life. Not worth it.
5)Wants to create a new file and fill them with new people.
6)Wants to fire some people from their positions as friends in my life. In their face. But not worth the time so wants to just walk away and never answer their calls/messages/emails again.
7)Wants to eat some serious bbq seafood.
8)Needs to make some serious dough. Why do I have so many things to pay for when I don't even shop?Ah, I have a house.
9)Raising ERP is a bad idea. Especially before the elections. This will stick big time and this time, I will not be bribed by any GST ang pows! But I don't get to vote..URGH.
10)I am too lousy a friend to those who have loved me just as I am and I'm too good a friend to those who don't deserve it.

Dreamt I was taking a maths exam withe likes of our current prime minister and another guy called cao cao.

No hope of doing well especially if it's graded bell-curve style.

And there was this fatalistic apt tune in the background.

Yay.
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Pit-iful

Psalm 42: 5

Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why are you so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him
my savior and my God

I found myself in the pits this weekend. I don't know what's to blame-the haze, pms or the sum of all things but it was just difficult to dig myself out of the pit when I was armed with a tea spoon.

I focused on the negatives and the pit got darker.

Somewhere along the way, this verse crept into my conciousness like a whisper from heaven and I just knew that God is here with me. Even in the pit.

And that's enough.

Misery needed company but got a savior instead.

Betrayal

The kiss of betrayal left a scar.
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Pollution

The haze is not just polluting the air but various social networking mediums such as facebook. People are polluting it with profanities to express their disdain for the haze. Guess the lack of oxygen is threatening coherent civilized living.
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I dreamt

of another moment in time
when I was still a young adult but empowered with the prerogative of hindsight
I was guileless and yet I knew it all
I wasn't afraid
But I was reserved
No longer wearing my heart on my sleeve
It must have fallen off while I was running for the bus

But yet the tongues still wagged unfavourably
And like I didn't before, I still didn't care
"somethings don't change''

It could have turned out very differently
this thing called life
but here I am now
I don't even know which one is the real dream
or if this is illusory
or if I'll wake up in the next few moments
to return to that moment
and reverse my decision
or if others' decisions will be reversed for me
the doors were sliding so fast
i dashed through them
and I don't know which paradigm I ended up in
but now I see no doors
only walls

24 hours after that dream
still shaken
24 years after
maybe the haunting will stop
I'd have lived a whole cycle
another generation would have arrived
at the same narrow gate

Maybe that's why my dreams took me back
play it all in slow-motion
so that I can relive them
gain the clarity I left behind in a haste to escape
and
gain relief

In the light of eternity

Words of Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose''

Jim Elliot is a matyr of/for Christ. He gave his life willingly to the people who savagely took it, true to their cannibalistic nature. True to the verse that Jesus so famously spoke, his life fell to the ground like a seed and went on the sprout forth a harvest of souls for the eternal kingdom of Christ.

As I contemplate death at this unearthly hour, I find myself thinking of this verse which epitomizes perdition to our enemy, ''o death, where is your sting?" Truly in Jesus, the sting of death has been withdrawn and there is a promise of a more glorious place awaiting. More than that, there is the eternal presence of God forever as a dwelling.

So really, why do I hold on to my life so tightly in light of an eternity with Jesus and not use it as a gift and lay it at the altar of my savior and king? Why do I guard it so selfishly such that my interests are so protected I pretty much garrison myself in, rendering myself futile for any good works? I've seen life on earth as finite yet I've allowed it to envelop and become an all-encompassing view of life, when there is so much more to this.

I pray ''use me'' and then withdraw in fear. Surely my heart weeps too for a lost generation, an oppressed people, a weak church-the very reason why Jesus left heaven to die such a painful death here on earth. Why?

Why do I withdraw
why do I fall
why do I leave it all at the altar
and the very next moment falter

Bah-rant-eweeeee

Too many things I don't understand and don't know.

I shouldn't be so frustrated since it was no big revelation that I'm not omniscient. But why this antsiness within that renders me so discontented and unhappy?

PMS seems like the only logical answer. Been wanting to eat up the world and I had 2 full dinners (1 Peranakan) within a short span of 3 hours. Thought that'll make me somewhat happy but when I got home, there it was again. The 'arghness' hits me again and this time I can't even rise (literally) to wage a good battle and 'be of good cheer'.

I want to engage in something frivolous and yet I have zero frivolous desires. I HATE the ardous task called shopping even though I'm facing a serious 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' crisis, I hate the weather so that pretty rules out anything outdoor and I'm out of detective shows/novels.

Oh joy, you are too elusive. Wherefore art thou??!!!!
BAH-RANT-EWEE
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Persecuted church

Currently reading a book on true accounts of the persecuted church and it brought me so much grief as I share the pain of my fellow brothers and sister from afar.

While I applaud their unwavering faith in the midst of terrible trials, I cannot help but get angry at the oppressive regimes that have subjected them to imprisonment and ruthless torture.

But yet the mightiest and sole weopon that they have is a love that never dies. An unquellable love and mercy that sends itself to die for its worst enemies.

It has to be supernatural, to love people who have subjected your body and soul to unspeakable abuse. I have yet to understand this fully and it blows my mind.

Praying and praying for the persecuted brethren.
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Vulnerability

Spoken to encourage someone serving in a hostile muslim country...

"I know this makes you vulnerable. Consider that God was vulnerable, he saved others. He didn't save himself.we have to manoeuvre ourselves into a position where we are vulnerable,but for one purpose: to save others. "
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Alive!

Just a short note to prove I'm alive.

Contrary to popular belief, being sluggish is not the defining mode of my life.

There are actually times I 'come alive'. ie. with my loved ones or while engaged in something I enjoy. Fortunately for me, I've found a job that allows me that even though sometimes it does get to me.

This month has been great. We've pretty much incoporated the new company, wrapped up a very successful road show, celebrated Annabelle's birthday (quite successfully albeit with very foiled surprises) and there's so much more to look forward to (including more work as Christmas looms)

There's a lot of work to be done and a lot of things wrestle for my limited attention. I just pray that somehow, by God's divine grace and no less, I'll not neglect the people He has so blessed me with that I love so much. This headcount has increased steadily over the years and I've realized there's less and less time to catch up with each individual.

I so want to grow old with them, have my kids grow up with theirs and have my husband bore theirs (haha).

How did we get here?

Has it been a crazy month or what?

Some of my closest ones are trailing behind in updates and that is entirely my fault.

We've got plenty of developments on our end. Too much to document here but I'm so starved for time for proper meet-ups and phone conversations.

Please keep me in prayer though. That my heart stays steadfast on Him. That I'll not neglect Jesus come what may and that my heart will remain His favourite place on earth.

I can see 2011 peeking out at me already. Praying I don't get overwhelmed by the tsunami of activities.

Repentance

I just had an epiphany of sorts.

Maybe this whole journey of setting up a business from scratch was primarily for me, not for God.

Maybe it happened so that I can see where my trust really lies. When I have to sojourn through lonely deserts alone, do I really count on Him and seek refuge and comfort in Him? Fundamentally, do I really trust Him to know what He is doing with my life?

I didn't.

The measure of success is not how well the yields are on paper and how healthy our cashflow is. The true measure of my success is whether I have abiding peace that will take me to whatever destination He has for me come what storm. This should arise from a complete surrender and trust knowing that He truly has the reins of my life and is good without the clay interfering and doubting the potter. On hindsight, my doubting is almost a slap in the face, a very rude insult that can be likened to 'eh Father, this is my precious life. Are you sure you know what you're doing?'

Yet, I so often do.

I so often thought that I'm doing this for God. So that this can be a platform for him, so that He can use this as a 'passport' into nations, into lives. God needs no passport and needs no servant that fumbles as often as I do. His choice to use me is my privilege and hopefully it pans out like I imagined (or better). But what if..God is doing this for me? To dethrone me from the throne I erected in my own heart, to work something out within my character? To foster trust? Or to build our relationship so that I can see Him at work, see Him at play and watch Him love me. I liken it to a father-daughter camping trip where my Father teaches me how to fish (provision), start a fire (keep enemies at bay), pitch a tent (protection) and just enjoy this journey with the Father taking the lead.

Where joy and sorrow meet

Death for a christian starts at the cross when we die with Christ and rise again with Him.

Death for a christian-departing earth with sweet sorrow for the ones left behind to join eternal love in eternal home.

I celebrate your life but mourn your passing. Another hero of faith joins the ranks of heaven. May there be another one born to carry on your legacy.

Lessons garnered

1)You are more aware of the fragility of life and come to terms that you are not all that invicible.
There is this impetuous arrogance associated with youth where you felt you could do anything, at any risk (what risk?) whenever you wanted to. The world was your oyster. You went anywhere your heart took you too. Recklessness and wilfulness impersonated as freedom to take you to unregulated places, unchartered wilderness to grow up.
These days, risks are calculated, pondered over, prayed over before you gingerly take a miniscule step into the great unknown. Even though you knew you tried your best to minimize any risk and had enough faith that you were armed with the best you could get your hands on (knowledge, homework, God), you can't help but still feel the trepidation in your spine.

2)You eat less, sleep less but still put on weight. Gone are the days when you can live like a bear incarnate and eat and sleep all day while still looking like a twig. Metabolism has an inverse relationship with the number of days lived. If you want to eat, work hard (at the gym/pool) and don't whine after that.

3)Your world gets bigger. You don't live for yourself, study for your own purposes etc.You are no longer responsible for just yourself. Your work affects others, you affect others, what happens to you affects your family. Case in point: In school, if you fail, you fail alone. In the workplace, regardless of what your vocation is, a single mistake might cost your boss/corporation/yourself a lot.

4)The 'O'/'A' levels weren't that big a deal after all.

5)People are important. Don't sweat the small stuff and ruin relationships. Talk through the big stuff. Pray together as often as possible. Live, laugh love together. They are a big part of what we are on Earth for. Life is just better when you have people to love. Sometimes it's not reciprocal but it shouldn't stop us anywhere. There is more than enough in the vault but too little in circulation.

Lunch time musings

Psalms 143: 12
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant.

Step by step, bit by bit, sometimes more in an instant, I am seeing the enemies I have long battled with vanquish in His presence. Fear, insomnia and anxiety are slowly consumed away as Love takes over. The battle is not over but I can smell victory. The sojourn through the wilderness was not in vain as even in the mirage that blinds my vision to experience my faithful Savior in more tangible ways, I learnt (at least a little) to trust. I caught a greater glimpse into the depths of His love and His character.

They all say that hindsight gives you 20/20 vision. I absolutely agree. But in the days of rock bottom when hope has totally vapourised and I am but rummaging through the debris of my broken faith with hardly any strength to cling on nor any memory of His past goodness and faithfulness, I always still find Him. Waiting for me, as always. Even though I'm at the end of the line, hanging by the thinnest possible thread.

My wilderness experience however is nothing compared to other harsh trials others have to go through. My heart grieved with pain when I heard devastating news of a friend's young daughter who was diagnosed with cancer. The parents are a couple that have been faithful stewards in the kingdom. Naturally, questions such as 'why' and 'why them' arose. The lack of answer fuels the already deep-seated frustration and helplessness.

I do not claim to have the answers. Any honest soul will tell you they don't know. We might make a few guesses but no one will ever truly know. All I take comfort in is, inspite of the suffering, there is one who goes through it with you faithfully. There is a comfort that can penetrate the deepest embers of the soul that is greater than any physical suffering. There is a hope of eternal reunification in a glorious place called Heaven. And hang on, inspite of how grim the prognosis is, there is hope for healing. Though it bides it's time, it's a possibility. Captives of cancer and other debilitating diseases have risen from their sick beds by the healing power of Jesus.

My prayer is that in these moments, though they are trying and hard, we cling on to the truth-which is God is still good. And may the praises that emanate during this time be such a sweet pleasant sacrifice to Him, for they originate from a place of great pain and suffering. I pray that as a community, we respond right. We lend love and support to the family and continue to intercede relentlessly and stand in the gap to war for the destiny of a child and for the evil one to take his filthy hands off one of our own.

Rough patch

It's been rough and just last week, I was bemoaning that the GPS of my life seems to have lost signal. Some days, the cloud shrouding my thoughts are so thick I can't see past it and I just let my emotions sink like quicksand.

I've shed so much tears in the last two weeks such that puffy eyes seem to be a permanent feature. I cry at everything and it's wearing me so thin. I've lost sleep, appetite, joy and peace from this strenuous dehydrating exercise.

Yesterday, I was at the wake of a woman who finished her race with the Lord after 91 years. I was in the company of her family who mourned her passing yet celebrate her homecoming and the 91 years well lived.

I started to think hard about what I'd like to be said for my eulogy and that petrified me, simply because I can scarcely think of anything good to say. Maybe just let my epitaph read "Good wife, daughter, mother and grandmother". Short and sweet. And "good'' is subjective and vague enough.

I realised wakes and funerals are not so much for the deceased by for the ones left behind. Attendees pay their last respects but also to lend support and love the grieving parties. We spend an average of 3 days to comfort, mourn and reminisce and then almost leave them to struggle with the loss when life resumes on day 4. I think it's weird and because this is a family that is very close to my heart, I wish I'd known better how to help them or alleviate their sorrow. Words alone just don't suffice during those moments. I feel awkward not knowing how to help, what to say.

However, I take comfort in the fact that in Christ, there'll be no eternal separation and this family will one day be reunited in the kingdom of heaven. However, when you really love, even a temporal separation cuts to the bone and can be so heart wrenching. In the meantime, until heaven beckons, we will have to seek solace in memories alone.

Bare feet tickled by the powdery sand
Pressing footprints along the shore
A vain attempt to leave a testament
That I walked this path before
Will you remember
Will you remember me

-Corrine May, Will you remember me

Morbid

Not that I didn't see it coming. It was a slow treacherouos path that kept spiralling down and every single thing I did/didn't do resulted in my body's further protest for a break. It finally went on strike.

I wish I could garner a little more understanding, especially from the body that my precious soul is housed in. While I recognize that it is my sole responsibility to take care of it, it has to be fully cooperative in aiding me through the hike up. We need to come to a mutual consensus here.

I never had the strongest constitution and was a sickly kid who frequented A-class wards plastered with Mickey Mouse wallpaper. Every single time I turn green like Yoda (I don't know what's with the Star Wars allusion I'm so prone to these days ), I think to myself, 'ok, if these were your last moments, what now?" I still don't have the answers and thankfully, I didn't need them as yet. Adult-hood has however allowed me to try alot of new things and set new boundaries, to live life not incapacitated and held hostage by ill health. However, I seem to be back at square one today as a direct consequence of not heeding my body's plea to rest and just pay the sleep debt that has since compounded interest of up to like 200%.

I wonder how long more we (body and I) can take this. Even as my body is on strike, I am also staging a silent rebellion as I slowly lay me down to rest. I am indignant, still. I want to escape the confines and parameters set for me and experience so much more. I want to see, breathe life before XX years are up and I have to bid earth farewell for home.

It's a soujourner's tale. One that I haven't properly documented. But at this rate, my enemies might outlast me. It's a game of Survivor where you manouevere to outwit and outlast. It's a matter of providence, where we're all allocated a certain number of years to live. Cliche but true, it's not in the length and breaths we breathed but how fully we've lived it and how hard we've loved.

I think I've had a full life despite not seeing the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, Colosseum etc. Maybe when the last moments do come, I'd just lie down, pretending it's a real bed of roses, smile and fall asleep.

"Don't think so much"-That's what they always say to me. This time I'll heed it.

Why

Why do I keep on asking 'why'.

I'm never contented with the answers, if there were any at all.

I am still alive.

I'm losing any trace of an audience but I'll keep this blog running. My frequency of posting entries has dwindled to a pathetic once a month and there are so many things to document but so little time.

It hasn't been a smooth ride but it's been plenty of laughter and comfort, all of which I'm extremely thankful for. I see His heart even when I don't see His clear fingerprints in every single thing. I wonder from time to time..'what now?' and vascillate between the temptation to stretch myself beyond belief (which is my natural disposition) or be so still I almost fossilize.

There has to be some form of moderation which I still endeavour to find. There's the mundane to get through and the exciting to live for. It's the perennial state of 'between the dreaming and coming true' that I find myself entrenched in all the time even though there's progress.

**
My friends think I'm Phoebe-Nancy Drew. An online facebook quiz revealed that I have severe Chandler Bing tendencies.

Disturbing eh?

I love my friends. They keep me laughing, make me cry, hold me up and show me that it's ok to be me. More than ok. Infact, they sometimes celebrate me even though they don't admit it. Love them so much. The older the better. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff.

Old wound

20 minutes ago, I relived the stung of a friendship gone terribly sour.

Without going into details on why it happened in the first place, I was taken aback by my own reaction at wanting to completely keep said friend out of my life for good as a natural defense against hurt. I had just had a fantastic evening with some other long-time friends laughing my heart out. I thought I'd put the matter away long ago and forgiven and for some inexplicable reason, the matter resurfaced, caught me off-guard and left tears welling in my eyes.

This simple reaction to the reminder of the hurt, whether intended or not was enough for me to clam up, shut out and shut down as a mode of internal defense to lock my heart in. I still don't know what I should do except that I've had so many other things to take my mind off it and it just naturally dropped off the chart of priorities over the course of time. Today however, I asked 'why' and found no answers. I went through possible motives like I'd go through a crime-scene when I go through an episode of law and order hoping to pick up on clues as to why it went wrong.

Yet I refused to admit it hurts. (Except in a domain where nobody patronizes) It's almost too 'weak' and it would show I cared too much in the first place. (But how could I not?)

But really, how could you not.

And there I go again, releasing hurt like venom. Ouch.

A fork in the road

Had an extremely intense 'sliding doors' dream last night which is still haunting me many hours after I woke up.

In short, I questioned someone who seemed to know me very well if I'd chosen differently and waited, how would it really have been?

He pondered for a mere second before replying that I wouldn't. There was no room for me to have clung on, compromised on my convictions. The sum of me and all that I have been made up of would still weigh heavier than the temporal lure of the other options. And even IF I'd stubbornly refused to choose what is right and follow the lure of least resistance, somehow he knew God wouldn't allow it. That He would be gracious enough to either jolt me back or leave me with just one option. The initial display of two options is to expose my own inclinations to choose something outside than His perfect will for me and present an opportunity to rely on him, to make the right choice.

I never thought about it like that. I thought I'd chosen it and credited myself a bit too much for the good that has resulted and the bad that was averted because of the apparent wisdom of my choices. As if it'd been my own wisdom to begin with. Hindsight always provides 20/20 perfect vision but I still failed to see who prodded and guided me along.

Hours later after the dream, while I was mulling over it and asking God, He gave me this verse:

Psalms 25: 12-14

Who is the man who fears the Lord?

Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose

His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.

thank You.

In time to come, I will be presented with a greater of palette of choices and come to other forks in the course that I'd travel. In fact, everyday will be a choice. And until my savior calls me home, I have to be reminded everyday that He is my choice and everyday, I choose to ''seek Ye first His kingdom and His righteousness'' before all other things.

House keys

Has it really been 2 months already that I've had thoughts so fleeting that didn't settle long enough that I didn't document them here?

It's so weird how neither of our parents have our house keys but our friends do. I think that is a testament of many things-how much we trust them and most importantly, that they are family. By giving them our keys to our home, we've essentially given them free access into our hearts and lives.

These are not just people I laugh and cry with but have driven over during lunch break with lunch, drop it off and then leave quietly when I'm too sick to crawl out of bed. All without me asking. They've also anticipated that I'll most probably just call food delivery when I'm on the brink of starvation and that junk is the last thing I need in my stomach.

There are also the friends who have entrusted us with their keys. So we know how to let ourselves in and not wait in the corridor when they are late from rushing home from work. I'll then switch on the aircon, pour myself a glass of water and rest while I wait for them to return.

I guard those keys carefully, making sure never to lose them. And I know they do the same.

They will be people that will be the strongest colors in the tapestry of my life. They will be why I count myself rich.

Bless the Lord for these friends.

I love you all.

It feels like God is late for His appointment with me.

He is always on time. I just ran out of patience having been bred in this society that values speed.

It's a dry spell and I'm not coping too well.

Even as I seem to be waiting on God, I have a nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for me too. Waiting for me to get it, to maybe just cultivate patience..waiting for me to wait through this (as ironic as it sounds) because waiting is necessary for growth.

Like the children of Israel in the wilderness, I spend much of my time wandering and wondering where I'm really heading or if I'm any nearer to the promised land. I question the motivations behind every single decision and spend much time berating myself for leaving the comforts of predictability and taking risks.

I'm such a wuss when it comes to life. I want to live big but it starts with dreaming big. I dare not run with the promises You gave because somehow I am convinced that it might all be a figment of my imagination, that there really was no such thing. I am more convinced of my tendencies to to be bizarre than God. Even though He has proven himself true every single time.

I need to dock and anchor to the unchanging hope. I need to believe that somehow I'm advancing, even though I don't see it. I need strength to trudge through the wilderness knowing it is the path to the promised land. I need patience to wait it out, even when all around me are barren deserts. I may be lost but I take comfort that I'm not out of Your reach.

Maybe it's what they call 'walking by faith and not by sight'.

I don't want to sit around and wait for another miracle and waste this wilderness experience when it is boring and mundance. There must be peace in the vessel even as we coast along these waters if the captain is on board.



While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

John Waller-While I'm waiting

i've cleaned out my ears!

what was said: raynard's going to be a dad

what I heard: dinner is going to be bad?

what was said: i'm going for lasik

what I heard: i'm going to malaysia

what was said: aloysius means warrior

what i heard: aloysius means boring

what was said: take this bread and eat (during holy communion)

what I heard: take this brandy

the sad thing is..i think there'll be more of such posts

The battle rages on

The war's not won.

Last night I completely crashed into their arms. I was so weary from life and so tired from the treadmill that I've been running on. There were so many problems I felt I was unable to solve and the weight of the cumulative burden was just too much for my shoulders.

Isaac was really sweet in nursing my emotions and soul. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Was so stressed he held me in his arms until he was sure I was asleep and then laid me down. Sleep was fitful so he held on to my hand as he laid beside me.

It's so much easier to be reclusive and withdraw myself to my own cave. I cannot imagine having to be 'normal' to attend the various gatherings attached to the upcoming festivities. For someone who insisted on being in Singapore despite the 4 day weekend/cum public holiday, I really wished I'd 'escaped' instead.

I wonder when these will all end. Because I am so depleted.

Josh Groban - To Where You Are

For a friend. Whose mum recently left for heaven.

Why

This must the first impulse and response when things are inexplicable beyond belief and pain is ripping hearts apart.

The question haunts unrelentlessly with no respite or relief of answers.

But God can deliver a peace. It will not unknot the knots in my mind but it will placate my heart and give me strength to let it go/go forward. It will give me strength to not care why and move on after disappointment and hurt.

[MV] JJ Lin - 第幾個100天 [english sub]

this is quite something.