Scars

scars are a reminder that something has taken place. and completed.

for example, the chicken pox scar on my nose is a reminder that i'll never have chicken pox again. the scar above my eyebrow is a reminder that i was born with a cyst and lived with it for 18 years before realizing that it was behaving like a pimple and had to have it removed. either way, it is not coming back. the operation concluded its tenure in the temple of the Holy Ghost.
the scars on my heart testify of many emotional battles, hurts, pains and rejections that are nonetheless, healed.

scars are unsightly and they ruin a pretty picture but they speak volumes. they testify of a journey, an experience and a process of pain AND healing that has concluded.

if you've never had a scar, whether seen or unseen, you've never been anywhere. you've never lived. and a life that has been lived fully, with twists, bumps, road humps and all is more beautiful than one that has been unscathed because its been so perfectly hidden the only thing that grows is mould.

which is why i like to look at those scars on Your wrists. because they remind me that i am Yours and the battle you fought for my soul. the battle You won. wear Your scar proudly as a medal. put them before my eyes daily. they remind me of a world of light that lives in my heart when darkness shrouds and my senses are numbed. they evoke hope, love and life.

today, in the ongoing battle in the realm of the unseen, let me see Your scars. so that i'll march forward valiantly knowing that's exactly what You did. and you had the greatest victory that history ever knew. that it was for me that the war was waged.

You've fought long and hard for me. now that i'm Yours, let me enforce that victory for the others.

rojak cocktail

me: am i the only only girl in your heart?
him: yah..just you and mother teresa.

ok.now i feel very secure.

**
its not easy to be me.
let me tell you why.
first because of high metabolism, i perspire very easily. but because of high metabolism, i am relatively skinny and have no insulation against the recent onslaught of harsh cold. which means i carry warm clothing everywhere i go ..in SINGAPORE. im thinking of investing in another parka.

but thank God that's just the easiest part of being a me.

**

i miss him. tmr is his dday. liberation from NUS. im so happy!
went to visit his ah kong's old house yesterday, where his spirit and soul inhabited for almost 90 years.
donald tay went home to Jesus. he is probably dancing and laughing now. heard that before he left this miserable earth, he shouted 'im going to see jesus!!im going to see jesus!" happily and then departed.

i guess he will be watching his grandson get married from heaven.

death has no sting. mosquitoes do.

**
as you all can probably tell, im incapable of writing coherently and in full sentences this season.

**

didn't realise i had company
yesterday, today and tomorrow
didn't realise i had company
when i was deep in my sorrows
couldn't imagine i had company
in that icy cold cell
couldn't imagine why you'd stay with me
when from that height i fell
why did you stay with me?
when i was alone, bitter and angry
was it really because
you couldn't stop loving me?
now i realise you'll never leave
like you promiesd me that july 10.
now i realise you'll always stay
and be my forever friend.

shine -clay

you can try to hide away
from every drop of rain
that's hanging over you
and you can say it's all a waste
lost your time in space
there's nothing left to lose
like a broken angel on the ground
like a symphony without a sound
turn around

everything you are
everywhere you've been
the sinner and the saint
that fight the battle within
every place you go
everybody knows
shadows fall across the sun sometimes
shine, you're gonna shine

in the mirror of your soul
i know that you know
that you are not forsaken
hey butterfly, open up your weary eyes
and realize
its a trip we are taking
and the world will turn around again
and your shattered heart is goin to mend
in the end

let's go riding on shooting stars
watch the crescent moon smile to your heart
shine you're gonna shine
shine you're gonna shine

if not for the arrival of isaac quek, i'd have been mrs aiken!

shame

its such a shame
that these days they call love a game
some win, others lose
but who sets the rules?

hidden

see me in the words i speak
hear me in the silence i keep
smell me in a bottle of Escada
taste me in honey, sashimi and chilli
touch me with a song
love me with your heart, not mind

incomplete sentences

would he walk on water?
would he run through fire?
would he stand before you?
when it's down to the wire
would he give his life up
to be all he can
is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?

-clay, measure of man

**
Scotfree

I stand defenceless, in the memory of the shame
weary once more, at this old load of blame
i thought, "those charges are true"
"surely justice must be due"

wait

i know i have rights
-to remain silent
let someone handle the fight
Engage an advocate
silence the guilt
and start a new slate.

**
D-day, debt free

i released an old debt today
the debt you din even try to pay
the interest snowballed
but the ice in my heart refuse to thaw

you knew you could never pay
so did i
but i kept tabs
you don't deserve to get away
these shackles and chains
guilt and remorse
i wanted them to remain

little did i realise
it was me i victimized
by holding the grudge
but it hurt my heart to budge

so much

His love poured
into the icy dungeons of my heart
painfully
i came apart

i kept us in the cage of time
when i held the keys
Jesus came to liberate
but i wassn't ready and told Him " wait".

no more waiting
the keys are surrendered
run, with the wind, in His love
dance, to the new song

you are free
so free from me
so free from the shackles, chains, remorse and guilt
i am free
i am free
i am free

sorry

silent love

its difficult loving the people you love who don't seem to love you back. and they are the people you don't wanto love coz u never get anything back in return. yet you can't help it.

i'd love to hate them but the anger doesn't reside for long. i cannot help but love them and it hurts so much. coz its so hard to tell them. i believe it is this pain that truly killed Jesus. not the crucifixion.

Jesus must have felt the same way. there are so many He longs to express His love to, in words in deed in everything, with everything. but they are seething with so much hate at the mention of His name its impossible. He is God's son and you would think an heir of heaven could have anything He wanted, at His beck and call. yet, the hearts of dead cold men and women numbed by sin and apathy....is what He truly desires.

it must be so heartwrenching. so many times more than wat i can ever feel. infact, i believe this grief, if i am allowed to term it so is from Him. and it is only a tiny fraction of what He's been feeling.

and it's already tearing me apart, wiping me out. i don't know how much love His heart can really contain. it seems each time i look into it, it surpasses my expectations all over again. yet i struggle with being unloved and feeling insignificant in His eyes. so fragile, the human ego. all i have to do is to go without spending time with Him andhearing Him for myself and i'm insecure.

only God knows how hard i really try to pretend to be strong in the presence of watchful men. some maybe waiting to watch me stumble and fall and let the 'aha i knew it!' in their hearts be vocalized. and thats what i truly fear, coz of the implied shame to His name, His work. and perhaps, to me. that i failed. it implies failure in my spirituality and more so, my relationship with Him.

and this fear totally manifested again when a friend from quite long ago, who was (in my eyes) drop dead gorgeous, smart and talented asked to meet up. and wondered why i'd disappeared. panic arose in me.i couldn't show her what i'd become. that i no longer laughed as hard. that life has taken its toll. needless to say, i didn't reply the msg.

on a more joyful note, it is also God who truly knows and still accepts me although i constantly and continue to bring more shame to His name than glory. in my words, thoughts, everything. grace and mercy sounds like a cliche in this day of christian mambo jambo but to me, especially today, i stand in awe again. and in that same measure, every vestige of hate i felt towards anyone, evaporates. hate can only flee in defeat in the face of His overwhelming presence. i don't even have to try.

it's cathartic and liberating. on hindsight, with respects to my life, i truly believe i'm made ofwater (ignoring the dehydrated skin) because i cry so much. but thats not a biggie because i always have someone to wipe away those tears.

buay tahan

its really ok to not know everything. afterall the word 'omniscient' was bestowed and created only for one person.-God. (and its the Holy trinity God. not some figurine with alot of balookus on his head and big ears.)

i truly despite and hate (i take time to forgive i know...) people who have to have an answer for everything when they don't. And precisely because they don't, they come up with their own answers to answer doubting minds wrecked with confusion and cause grievous hurt and pain, searing emotional wounds even more.

if you can't even bring yourself to say 'i don't know' and admit your that you are just a human being, don't be one. i'll gladly refer you to the SPCA.

i speak from an angry angry (almost bitter) place because i've been there. to be the subject of wrong wrong information conveyed by people of authority. people i trusted. and then as this various episodes were slipping out of my memory, i foundout that some of my friends are still going through this. disgusting.no, it makes my blood boil and it nearly made me produce venom to spit out.

i've been reading books by authors who also questioned in their confusion and their books chronicle their own search for answers by just constantly seeking God. and how the answers have since arrived...and how answers are still not here by the time the book was published. fine by me. the answers finally sit well with me. and even more so, the lack of answers to even more questions. its ok. i'll join them in their journey to seek God and get the answers. even if the answers don't come, i'm learning to just enjoy His presence.

***
these days, i've been spending a lot of time doing things i enjoy and hanging out with people whose company i enjoy. previously, i spent time with people i'm obliged to like (because christians are supposed to love every living breathing thing!) even if their company pained me to no end because of a wide myriad of reasons, i sat through lunches and dinners because ....theres only one reason for this..

I was unbelievably stupid!!!

i felt like since we have other mutual friends, i had to hang out with them. its wrong to not like people. and i failed ot realize again and again that like does not equate to love. that it is fine loving them from afar instead of biting my tongue just to refrain from saying something nasty and have them ask..."why you so quiet ar!?!" and den after the 'haha superficial session', i go home myself with a massive headache and a sick pukish sensation.

it was such a release to be spending everyday with people i CHOSE to spend time with. people i could laugh and cry with. to do things i like. i realised that in the company of people i didn't enjoy, i din wanto do anything. shopping, no. eating, ok la but i try to finish my food asap and run. nothing interests me. in direct contrast, even if i was at the boringest place, doing the most unfun activities such as collecting my passport and going for some dive exhibition (haha), it still felt good and at the end of the day, i'm tired and every muscle in me is crying for rest but i'm happy.

so...this obligatory i talk to you, i meet you because u ask me to nonsense will stop. unless ...well i'll leave room for exceptions. but thats it. i'm going to line up the week with more, even friends i haven't met for a long time, even new people. it darzen matter. as long as that sense of obligation goes.

i'm glad i never have to feel obligated with God. that would make being Christian sheer hell and the main irony of it is tt u're saved eternally from hell! i'm glad He draws me and as i draw near, He draws nearer. i'm glad that when i don't feel like being with Him and ignore Him, He woos me and makes it fun and enjoyable.

good friday post.

give me the biggest appetite ever. an insatiable one.

i am no longer just satisfied when blessings come, when i'm encapsulated by the presence of God when i spend time each night at His feet. now, i yearn (so so badly) to see manifestations of His glory, revivals and only God knows how much i yearn to share this hunger with people who hv the same hunger.

granted, there are alot of things seducing my affections when it comes to the things of God. eg. endless hours infront of the tv.at night, in the quiet place when all is quiet and silent, i am on fire and praising and praying but nxt morning it feels like there is just no reason to get up. no reason to even live. no purpose. i don't even think i am the only one who goes through that. its terrible and detrimental living life without a purpose. i didn't use to think so but it is! its no fun just breathing and having 'fun'. not at all. we were all made for something and it takes a lot of pressing on to find out. and i know many many of us reading this blog have huge destinies that require so much sacrifice just but i've seen people whom i've worshipped and cried and loved with gone...far out into the world. recently i've been awakened to the strong sense of destiny i used to feel, i've been recalling (and it takes a miracle for me to recall anything thanks to medication mind you) the words that have been spoken over in my life. the dreams, the visions. and i can't believe i've been leaving them somewhere in the dearths of my soul collecting dust! i feel as if God is using this apparent dearth in my life to awake me again. to be the river when its dry. i'm so scared to lose this sense of destiny again. for it is why im on earth for. not to breathe and contribute to the economy and just hoard blessings. i can jolly well go to heaven if not for the purpose entrenched in this life. and i shudder to think how many have gone on with their blessings robbed. God might wait for men, no matter how long he takes to come home, as long as he eventually will but time darzen. it continues ticking.

on a separate note, i wished i'd gone to church today. even though the two churches i used to call home are closed. i don't get it and it almost angers me. even the govt understands enough to give us a public holiday to go to church and yet thousands of believers have closed doors to face on such a significant day. the day the church was birthed. i mean come on, good friday was the day that gave us a reason for our existence! otherwise we could all just gear up for hell. its the day our sins were COMPLETELY forgiven. i don't get it especially when i realise that its not just ONE church closing its doors. (and pls dun try to explain it to me, i still won't get it)

i was so desperate i wanted to just attend any service at all that remotely commemorates such a in history but unfortunately, thanks to the headache the night before (its a lousy excuse i know) i woke up at 12 pm and a google search on the churches that i even know of told me that there were no longer any services that i could make it for.

***
i think at this point in life i'm really looking for acceptance in the sense that if i call you my friend, i don't have to be so afraid of offending you that i can be myself. even if you are no where like that. even if you think i'd gone bonkers. that i can be vulnerable and strong. and funny in the sense of haha or just plain odd.

i had a wonderful day with cali a few days ago and its so heartening to know that friendships do survive the long distance, the busy schedules and even long periods of not being in touch. sometimes its not just about catching up coz very often, i don't wanto relive what i've been through in the months. and mostly, there's nothing to catch up on. nothing much to update on. it's really just about enjoying the company of people you love and who love you and i'm so glad to have such a great bunch of them of these kinda pple.

i'll forever thank God for putting me in mgs. its where i met Him and became His. and i think its the wisest decision i ever made. it was also the place that gave me the friendships that i know will last a lifetime. no, make that eternity. i mean nothing beats the people who grew up with you (even though sometimes it takes alot for them to forget the stupid embarassing things you did)

sadly, i realised that i never laughed as hard again after i left mgs. not that ive been sad and sad after that but you have to be there to understand, we were laughing everyday. hysterically. i mean it was an environment of just laughter, joy and i would like to believe character building but thats disputable.

i remember falling off the chair laughing so often my teacher had to command me to pick me up but i couldn't. so i rolled under the table instead. i always got weak knees when i laugh really hard and they'd just buckle and give way and i'd fall down if i was laughing standing up. and my laughter was so not demure sweet and nice and people called me machine gun and hyena. but hey, who really cares when u are so happy la.

of coz now i don't even remember what i laughed about. maybe it was about the girl who climbed the tree. maybe its about my friend's buspass/ic photo(i'm sorry mei ling!), maybe it was about me wearing my uniform inside out (which happens), maybe it was about a physics teacher who pronounced 'bicycle' like 'spice girl'.shitting expeditions and all. there was just so much it was stand up comedy everyday.

ok time to be forward looking.1996-1999 is over.

have a very blessed weekend. He is alive!

my 2nd op.

Above:zhu tou recovering.

my zhu tou is precious to me and yesterday i stupidly sat on its body tugged at its head and it nearly had a detached head.

so i had to perform my 2nd major op. (1st was at mei ling's house. the cow died but i tried my best) without my operating gown to save my zhu tou.

so now hez in coma. still. but the surgery was a success. phew

testing i finally learnt how to strike through!thanks to mei ling! with frens like these, IT idiots have hope!yay!i cant stop!!!

train thy animals in the way they should go

zhu tou worshipping the lord with xiao hippo.

what a savior!

" the heart of salvation is the Cross of Christ. The reason salvation is so easy to obtain is that it cost God so much. The cross was the place where God and sinful man merged with a tremendous collision and where the way to life was opened. But all the cost and pain of the collision was absorbed by the heart of God"

-oswald chambers.

i like the way he put it.

salvation is easy because i have no price to pay.

the unchanging story, is still changing me.

where joy and sorrow meet

i need to reach the place whereby i can remain unfazed by human expectations (mostly my own) and discouragements and just fallen hope.

and i din realize that very place was the cross where Jesus died. somehow when i direct my focus on all that went on at the cross, its hard to be fazed by anything. in fact, there is new found strength to soar even when i thought i'd plunged from the greatest height. my strength for every single day and minute comes from Calvary.

its in that battered form that i find true acceptance. never mind the answers to my endless questions, perhaps they don't need to be answered anyway. it is in His greatest loss that i sought my greatest gain. it takes the wisdom of God to sow a son and get so many in return.

it's not even just the cross. its the motivation behind it. someone once said to me that they needn't have nailed Jesus as His love would have kept Him there. if Adam and Eve never fell, if we were still in Eden, i don't think i would ever know how much exactly God loves me.

contrary to popular belief, i can go without food and sleep. appetite crashed after my medication and i was going thru days whereby i cannot take more than two mouthfuls of anything per meal.food was just disgusting. and im taking 3 days to finish one muffin. i din believe the doctor when she said that my appetite would plummet. my dentist said the same thing to me many years ago when i put on braces but i went on to prove her wrong.

but i realised that when my appetite to commune with Him plummets, i can't go on. the despair is just debilitating. i am really nothing without Him. i hope that also translates to i am everything with Him.

***
there is a place of quiet stillness between the light and shadows reach
where the hurting and the hopeless
seek everlasting peace
words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
mending grief and life eternal, where joy and sorrow meet

there is a place where hope remains
in crowns of thorns and crimson stains
and tears that fall on Jesus' feet
where joy and sorrow meet

there's a place where the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
for wounded, there is healing, strength is given to the weak
broken hearts find love redeeming, where joy and sorrow meet

there's a place of thirst and hunger
where the roots of faith grow deep
and there is rain and rolling thunder where the road is rough and steep
there is hope in desperation
there is victory in defeat
at the cross of restoration
where joy and sorrow meet

avalon-where joy and sorrow meet

food and me

i believe i'm fearfully and wonderfully made.

1) when i have no appetite, i like to smell muffins.
2) i cannot live without chilli. it has to be in everything i eat.
3) i'm allergic to chilli. ( it makes my nose itch for awhile)
4) watermelon is THE fruit. i believe God made watermelons for me and me alone. you all just benefit by default.
5) no berries of any sort. but i eat strawberry cheesecake, shortcake, ice cream, blueberry muffins etc.
6) i almost could not live without pokka green tea. then i had to wean myself off it because of low blood.
7) i drank my first cup of coffee when i was 19. at starbucks, robinsons tower, with pam ting. it was caramel frappucino and we sat drinking as we were paid to count cars.
8) since then, i only drink coffee that darzen taste like coffee. (add a lot of sugar) i don't even touch coffee ice cream, cakes etc. smelly
9) i like pauper food. eg. rice with gravy, spaghetti aglio olio (basically spaghetti with chilli and garlic and olive oil)
10) no onions at all. but french onion soup is ok. onion rings oso can.
11) no ginger at all. not even ginger cookies, ginger tea, or gingerbreadman
12) the only fish i ate was fillet and fishcake before i met isaac.
13) i din eat ketchup until i met isaac
14) i was also carnivorous until i met isaac
15) i hate raw vegetables but i'll compromise for caesar's salad.
16) no carrots at all. but carrot juice is ok
17) i love peanuts
18) i'm allergic to nuts.
19) no durians. but durian puff is ok.
20) i like to eat butter. as in cut a slab and bite it and eat it. no margarine.
21) i HATEEEE EGGS. but i like omelette with ham and cheese.
22) i hate apples. but i loveee apple strudel.
23) i only ate fillet o fish from mcdonalds for many many years. my first 'other' burger was mcchicken and i think that happened was i was 15. at kap
24) i hateee pineapples. but pineapple tarts are ok.

some people think i have 4 stomachs. some people think i have a straight intestine.
most agree that i shit alot.

nostalgia

when i was youngER, (im still young) i used to go to annabelle's house, tapao chilli crab and just eat and eat.

i was a skillful eater. i would clean the crab inside out and make sure the crab din die in vain. it was one of my favourite pastimes and one of the highlights of my life.

den today annabelle was with her parents at east coast eating chilli crab. and her parents remembered the 'friend who would eat her crabs really clean'.

i'm so glad to be remembered. somewhat fondly.somewhat strangely. i can imagine their mental image of me, with chillified hands and chilli all over my mouth..very unglam. and i appreciate the fact that they think they should bring me along nxt time.

its strange how people are always reminded of me when they eat. i really don't know why leh.

karang guni God.

Jesus loves collecting trash and i'm among His choice trash collection.

reached a point whereby i've nothing absolutely nothing to offer Him. even the heart that He seeks after is in smitherines. i don't know what else can possibly catch His eye but He sure has weird taste.

the last bit of me has been emptied out and i don't know who i am truly for the first time. i don't know what i'm supposed to be, who i'm supposed to be at all. i've lost every marker indicative of what my identity should be. it is the first time in my life that i'm truly taking on the identity of Christ. for so many years, sadly, it was all but a theory i lived by. coz there is no real transfer and ownership of that identity until you've been emptied out.

and i don't know but i feel such exhilarating joy.it makes no sense. its like being born again. i feel every fear FLEE. not just ebb away. its like cloud 9 just that Hez riding on the clouds with me. either that or i've gone completely completely bonkers. i feel like a 16 year old in love. giggly.

***

Jesus set out to collect a bouquet of flowers for me many years ago. He handpicked every single flower. i have such an awesome group of friends its unbelievable. i just want you girls to know how beautiful you are in His eyes and mine. so blessed.

take my life and let it be

by Frances R. Havergal, Feb 1874

take my life and let it be, consecrated, Lord, to Thee
take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise
take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of thy love
take my feet, and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee.

take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
take my lips, and let them be, fill with messages from Thee
take my silver and my gold; not a mite would i withhold
take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine
take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne
take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure store
take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

realization

i feel a little bit scared knowing that He is so in charge. when every detail has His thumbprint.

-the end-

i finally laid the book to rest. i don't think i can bring myself to pick it up anytime soon. it reduced me to tears and not in the way a movie did, not in the way hurt and pain did. it was more to that. i felt like i lived her 68 years, all in two days.

i've been reading her biography non stop. prior to that i've been reading whatever information i could lay my hands on her on and off.

i don't even think i can sleep. i gaped in awe.i cried. i stood in shock. such was the person God chose. i'm sorry i did. i expected so much more of her person. i expected some sort of standard..i don't know if it was a moral standard or what but yardsticks are not necessary anymore.God is bigger that i ever thought after reading about her life. possibly bigger than she ever imagined.

i don't think i can ever align any life i know against hers. hers is too unique and beyond comparison. i don't think i can ever speak of anyone again. such is life. its so complex. the intermingling of the frailty of humanity with the almighty omnipotence of a sovereign God. i don't think any amount of words can aptly describe and explain the mystery.

just like how i'll never find anyone with the same fingerprints as mine, i'll never find a character as unique as hers. i still respect her, because she paid the price she deemed it was necessary. i doubt i would ever have the strength to do the same. i'm sure God honored her sacrifice tremendously. it was everything she ever had.

and lately its the topic of sacrifice that has been on my mind. and heart. that sacrifice speaks of love and you cannot love without sacrificing. you just can't. even all the conditions were in perfect place, you'd still have to sacrifice if you truly love. its something love compels you to do. its not determined by circumstances but compelled by love.

the degree of sacrifice is directly related to the degree of love. love always has a funny way of presenting itself plenty of opportunities to sacrifice. perhaps its all for self expression. all for proof that the love is authentic. at the end of the day, its not just the words that are said. its the deeds that are done. love is only love when its been given. you keep it in your heart, its as good as dead.

i can never talk about where i've given, how i've sowed and how i've served again. i can never talk about a ministry again. i can never talk about the pain of giving up anything i love again to obey. i cannot. i'm not even sure why God still loves me. love is truly not a boomerang. He sent all His love towards me but i can only reciprocate with that paltry amount. howthat unreciprocated love must have hurt him...i can't bear to imagine.

words unspoken are words forgotten

so i realised that each of us choke up with so many words inside us but we never find the right audience. or we just don't dare to be honest enough. but who's to blame? the world is too judgmental and it's just too wrong sometimes. but the yardstick for right is always impossible to reach anyway.

i know a friend, a dear friend who kept so much choked inside its a wonder this friend stays alive. worse than me. i bottle up a lot but i always somehow explode. i'll always manage to find a human audience, be it in a stranger or a friendso far flung from my life (for security reasons) or just someone i know who wouldn't judge and would understand.

my friend never got to say those words because for a moment of relief and vent, it could cost a lot of hurt to other people. and my friend stayed true to the course and as far as i know, no one knows the secret. its one of the best kept secrets. until i found out.

because no matter how hard anyone tries to hide anything, it'll come out in other things. human beings are just so fallible and weak. will never triumphs. truth does. i cannot confront said friend . i don't have the heart to. it's none of my business anway. and i know i'd only meet with vehement denials if i even ask. and it happened way too long ago for me to bring it up outta the blue. i'll keep it a secret too. not mine but i will. my friend will not read this blog but my friend will know i found out. somehow, it'll just show. its like that. you cannot bring yourself to say it but you hope someone will see it, guess it..and den u unconciously confirm it. its like that. and how you did it, you cant even remember. life is a mystery.

deep down, everybody wants to be heard.

which is why i keep this blog. although its been two years and i still cant bring myself to tell more than 10 pple the address. its ironic.

where my heart burned

ive always been a kaypoh when it comes to certain personalities. i get super obsessed over them and i find myself surfing about them, reading autobiographies/biographies etc. i'd do endless research read interviews by them, interviews about them. whatever it takes to quench that curiosity. so nothing delights me more than a gift of the only authorized biography of a woman whose life and ministry ive always been intrigued by. that being said, i'm only interested in SOME personalities and it takes knowing me to find out who. nono to autobiographies of paris hilton pam anderson etc....

the people that im obsessed abt are usually dead and christian. when i read them and about them, it is as if i trace the hand of God over them. its as if i can only see it from God's perspective, past them human faults and failures, past their sheer humanity alone and see how God can still come in, work past all that to come up with something spectacular and new.

and i see not just the works of God but the heart of God. that it truly is no respector of persons. that his mercy is not just for the saintly but for the utter sinners. for those that the world classifies as 'beyond redemption'. beyond the arms of grace. but if i may quote isaiah...is His arm shortened that He cannot save?

through the lives of the many that i've tirelessly kaypohed over, apparently not. i've become not just an awed spectator but an awed judge. i can't judge them for some of their acts of utter stupidity and their acts of rebellion towards a loving God (as i have done so myself) but i can only judge God as truly patient long suffering loving and gracious. that He is first and foremost a father who happens to be God. and not God first and then father.

its in their lives i see God again. i see that He is truly personable and truly involved. it never fails to amaze me how he can gather all of Himself and all of heaven to be so interested in one tiny puny life. and it gives me great hope.

be if kathryn kulman, billy graham to political personalities such as soong qing ling and sun yat sen, to celebrities like john cash and june carter cash (soemone whom i really cant find much info abt) to frank abignale...i saw the faithfulness of God especially in the unfaithfulness of man.

i feel especially confronted and vulnerable especially when i can identify with them. that moment i realise, as they probablyhave had, so many times, that we truly are nothing without Him. nothing. at. all.

no matter what they've done for God and how glowing their testimonials are of them, because of what i've seen and read, i cannot bring myself to put them on a pedestal. coz i know they would not have any of the man given glory. i'll let Jesus crown them himself. at the end of it all, (if theres an end indeed), their lives only served to point men to God. never mind that they had to sacrifice so much, and it was alot. some people don't seem to realise today that many great men and women had to give up ALOT just to follow God in the path that He determined for them. that some people, because much is given, much is required, they had to die a 1000 deaths just to be true to the message of the gospel. that they couldnt afford in one moment just to indulge inhuman passions and just expect God to 'bless their mistakes'.

i don't know if ican ever reach the place of complete surrender. that i can be so open to His will that no matter what He wants me to do, what He wants me to give up, i can say yes immediately and relinquish without complaint. and i no longer believe that if God asks you to give osmething up, it wun hurt. i have no doubt that He'll give u something better but i think very often, because u had to die to give it up, the hurt will be there and remembered. it will serve as a reminder most of all,that a death was required and you did die that death. i believe that is the same reason Jesus kept His scars. i believe that at least 3 in heaven will always remember the pain and agony of Jesus on the cross.

most of all, when i read about them, i realised that they refused to compare their sacrifices to God's ultimate sacrifice. and i am humbled. because really nothing compares to that. and i cant even bring myself to sacrifice ...something such as time.

i really cannot call myself a christian until i've been to the place of utter shame and depletion. that it is really His mercy and grace that we are even alive. that apart from that, i cannot live. theres really no other reason to lift your head unless it is to see Him.

and i'm glad He lifts my head to see Him and not just miracles and blessings.

i'm so happy...but how many of you know what i'm talking about?

same

days of dust go rambling by
running circles round my dreams and my life


if only i could scream my frustration away
if only i could see what He was doing in me
if only.

but i am not one who dwells on 'if onlys'.
i'll just scream but the frustration does not go
i'll just pray that He helps me see.

these days, there are only that many people i trust and can talk to.
of coz there are als o that many people who wanto talk to me and lick my wounds. not gape at them.
there are also that many people who can still make me laugh
its when u are at ur ugliest then u know who really loves you
it's in the dark that you can truly see who carries the light.
i have a phonebook so big that i have to choose who to include but when the rubber meets the road, the numbers that i do call are the same few. and i've committed them to memory anyway.

it used to be that betrayal was something you thought only existed on ch 8. but lately, its been a common feature in the lives of my very close friends and i ache for them because i know the hurt is debilitating. i wont try to numb the pain. i'll just keep praying that you and you and you will truly heal.

no updates. none at all. things aren't changing.
so is He.
so is His love.

distress

my pet phrase used to be 'i'll never complain about having too much free time'

things have since drastically changed. i concede that i can never be a taitai. and live a life of nothingness (as i deem it).

i cannot spend my days going for spa, shopping and just having 'tea'/coffee anymore. nono, i tahbuleh tahan and i'm ready to throw in the towel. its driving me nuts, this lifestyle of nothingness. i feel like jumping up when i'm at the spa and i feel like kicking my pedicurist into the 2nd minute of filing my toenails.i can't even sit still for a haircut. i crave work.give me work to do.

and my mum's been super sweet bringing me on apparent shopping sprees, giving me the freedom to shop w/o worrying about money and signing up on a spa package. so now I HAVE TO GO. coz its already paid.

but i really want so much more. i wanto work. its a genuine heartfelt cry and i need it answered.

i always feel like i'm forced to rest these days, like i'm forced to enjoy myself but i find that i truly enjoy myself at work. which is probably what started the problem in the first place. i thank God for supportive family and boyfriend but now i need work.i need something beyond spa and shopping.i literally dun wanto buy anything anymore.nothing interests me. i have clothes with pricetags still on them. i only have one body and tt much time to wear the clothes. why do i need so much. even my mum darzen seem to understand. she herself is a hoarder.

helpch. distress signal ringing loud.

someone is trying to silence me.

in case u've tried to contact me and failed...or are planning to contact me...

i refuse to open my mouth beyond the necessary because of an ulcer. people who know me know that i generally refrain from opening my mouth when theres an ulcer. so i basically dun talk/eat. i might sip water through a straw.

and due to other difficulties, i also don't sms. so yay!i'm uncontactable.

don't call my home number because if u catch me when i'm sleeping, even with the ulcer i'll still scream and burst ur eardrums. and if u dun have my home phone number, DUN ASK FOR IT. i already said..I CANT TALK SO IF U"RE GG TO CALL ME AT HOME JUST TO ASK FOR SOME STUPID FAVOR..i will...have trouble forgiving u.(not much of a threat)

if you reallly really need to contact me, for example...like you really need to give me a present, (no food pls. cash and clothes an dpretty make up..all ok) you're just caught at an unfortunate time and all i can say is pray.

other than that, i will be uncontactable!!! maybe since i can't talk to anyone here i'll take up SIA's offer and hop on a plane to go for some cheapo holeeeedayyyy.

few words

i don't know what to blog about. i'm not sure if the highlights in the past week are even worth recounting. the so-called highlights anyway.

i'm still wandering but wondering less. my heart still feels somewhat broken. i cannot stand in the face of human suffering and yet turning away will not help. something inside me compels me to do something. and i know i'm not alone in sharing that hurt.

my knees go weak and my eyes water endlessly and i pray and pray and pray. i wanto save someone today. i wanto make someone's day better. better still, somebody's life and destiny. yet i'm so limited, so restricted.

God help me. i'm really nothing without Him and sometimes, nomatter how much money you are willing to give, its not going to alleviate the suffering of those individuals.

God forbid i ever love money, love the cause more than i love Him. God forbid. its the road to monsterdom and the degeneration is so fast and so swift it has claimed a few glorious souls around me. a soul is rendered dead when it can't even response to God's love. and i've died too many times to know what i'm talking about.

don't dangle money infront of me and try to tempt me to envy. i have nothing to envy. i am struggling not to despise you instead.

when shez supposed to be sleeping instead...

i can't sleep even though i have to so i'm here talking to myself and when uguys wake up tmr, youall will read.

this week has been quite insane lah. met up with cali, jo and niq. i can't even begin to recall which happened first but its ok. it was good and i vaguely remember jo talking about how SHUANG TIAN ZI ZHUN rox and yes, its that zoe tay li nanxing show that we all secretly watch.

so that entered my subconcious and i went on the rest of the week randomly breaking into song. the Unbeatables theme song. and i'm very proud that i can sing the WHOLE song lah. so anyone wanto pay to listen to me sing, pls call. u guys know the number.

den after tt i was supposed to meet my darling bf. hez supposed to take 95 to hv to meet me but he took 96 and i couldnt believe his blurness because it happens so often and i was so so mad i called caliand niq to scream and complain. was determnined to be angry and give him pure hell for at least 15 minutes.

but when i saw him pop out of the cab 20 mins later with a sheepish scared smile, all was forgiven lor. i still marvel at how he can pull this off with me. sigh. den he was so cute i wanted to just grab him hug him and kiss him. so so cute.

somehow u cant help but forgive someone you love. no matter what. and this is true oso for him towards me.

sometimes when we fight its like we're both sitting on each side of Jesus' shoulder sparring with plastic swords while Jesus is in between shaking his head and getting a headache. and in the process i always snip off some of His hair.den He shakes his head even more.

den the next moment He reconciles and we make up. and we forget out differences and hold hands and skip happily into the sunset (with ice cream of coz)

i give the two guys i love most the greatest headaches. so im grateful and most relieved they're still here. drives isaac to his knees in desperation and i must say that the good thing that came out of it all is that i really improve his prayer life. and this guy already prays nonstop.

an di drive Jesus...i dunno where i drive Him. despite shaking His head, He is generally quite calm and still knows wat to do and how to handle me and us.

lalalalakekeke.

feed His (smelly) sheep

He just knows what i'm thinking about lor.

so He sent this reply.

"the love of God pays no attention to my prejudices caused by my natural individuality. If i love my lord, i have no business being guided by natural emotions- i have to feed His sheep. we will not be delivered or released from His commission to us. beware of counterfeiting the love of God by following your own natural human emotions, sympathies or understandings. that will only serve to revile and abuse the true love of God."
-oswald chambers

lately...

sometimes you're required to die to live again and no i'm not being morbid. and no i'm not talking about a physical death. so rest. in. peace.

lately ive been thinking to myself that that love is truly painful unless you get to express it. i mean mostof you can identify with the crush you know who would never take a second glance at you,( or if he/she does, its in mock horror-in my case, definitely got.), the undenied love of youth. or something along these lines.

which is why God went to great lengths just to express His love on the cross. and after that even though its truly finished, as He said so himself, He never really stopped, in my opinion, He keeps going on. demonstrating little/big acts of love throughout the day which i've been recipient to.

and that brought me to think about how i've expressed my love for Him lately because i wanto and not because i have to because i've been kinda overwhelmed by negativity, love, comfort and hope of late. and i just wanto do/say something to show Him that is not just of gratitude and relief but (as if to reassure His insecurity) that at the very end of the day, my heart belongs to Him and Him alone still, and that i truly (most of the time anyway) cherish Him and His presence in my life.

and last night i was brought to that opportunity whereby a simple opportunity presented itself for me to express that kind of love whereby i had to give up something akin to cutting out a piece of my flesh. i can't explain nor go into detail here coz its just too personal..even though my audience is clearly my closest group of friends. sometimes i feel like in this journey with Him, i've to die a thousand times at least everyday, to yield to let Him have His way because sad to say, the flesh still holds alot of selfish dreams and ambitions. cowardice still stands(shaking) in the face of the taunts of the fake-o roaring lion. i guess thats what surrender is about and i know it delights God's heart and i know inspite of the pain that threatens to kill, and does kill, there is a resurrection of life that follows and that life is sheer zoe. and i've been there so many times. whereby i had to die to myself.and i remember that as i stood there dying in the past, i knew that was the turning point, i knew that it would never be the same again and i knew that moment, somehow i had a faith that just gave me a confidence in God that He does love me so much and will truly take care of everything.


i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm a coward through and through and sometimes i know its out of His love for me that He wants me to take that step into the unknown despite the fear. that its His love that compels Him to want me to give certain things up that are utterly detrimental to the well-being of me. and i know myself that these steps in life are to be taken myself, that no one else can take them for me. sure i can lean on His strength and hold His handbut at the end of the day, i have to make the decision to relinquish my own strength and go ahead and do the deed.

its the slaying of the giant/dragon and unfortunately that dragon lives me in. conversely,fortunately, the dragon slayer oso lives in me. hence, the turmoil and the battle thats waged in me. and despite it being in me, i just have to watch and standby and watch because 'the battle belongs to the Lord'

can someone understand my frustration andmake sense out of my ramblings?its sad not to be understood and its even sadder when everyone thinks they know you when you know they all know just a part of you. i keep toomany secrets, even from you guys and everyone knows a different secret, never the entire picture.

i am a master architect and i build walls so thick(around my heart) and now i concede that maybe i'm the only one who can scream it down in joshua/jericho saga fashion. sometimes there is no room for sentimentalism (something i often fall prey to) and u just have to burn ur diary/blog and start all over again. like how God would have to create a new heaven and earth. theres really nothing left in me that i wanto salvage. nothing good so i have to start all over again. and contrary to some of my friends who truly do love me, i know this is not an instance of low self esteem. (friend, i'll explain to you another day)

its really ok to be in the dark, when you know whose voice you can trust. its ok to give up, coz more will be added, its ok to die because resurrection will come. its really more than ok.

because Jesus loves me.

not the same

hez moved to tanah merah for a week already and i'm still not used to it.

no more bus rides from clementi to clementi with him. no more staying on in 189 despite reaching my stop because i just want a few more minutes with him. its so hard to say goodbye, despite being together for 30 over months.

no more 'meet you in 20 minutes' dinners at clementi eating spring chicken and drinking coconut juice.

no more supermarketing for groceries together.

no more lazing and hanging out at his pigsty. watching tv, doing laundry and plonking asleep after that.

until we get to go home together always and always.

i hope its soon.

randoms

1)a few nights ago i think i sleepwalked.

i was walking and apparently dreaming at the same time when i walked into a wall. of coz in my dream that wall was an assailant of some sort and i wanted to defend mysslf so used my arm to shield myself and hit against the 'assailant'.-think kungfu- so now i got a two bruises lah.but mr wall is fine and standing.

2)yesterday, isaac and i conquered mount faber. by cable car. it was like beautiful beautiful beautiful lah. i mean our view was just nothing but hdb flats. grr. but nvm. still quite romantic. at least cable car ride was just in time for sunset. so everything was good. we watched the sun plop into the water and drowned. *bloob bloob *and i was so happy because its been so hot for so many days. isaac stood there stunned and woodblockish (i've been on a woodblock calling rampage) and waited eagerly for more until i dragged him away. i think he was expecting fireworks to pop out of the water.

3)today i had driving lessons with an instructor from hell who kept criticising me with the nastiest sacarstic remarks saying i will not be able to pass blah blah blah and that i drive a car like im driving a lorry or a bus. that i have no leg/eye /hand coordination at all. blah blah blah.

4) met up with glacey for lunch and we ended up parasiting coffee bean and mos burger by holding on to a drink that we brought from the FOODCOURT. but there were alot of chimneys around and eventually we had to go home.

5) i am very sleepy. i have driving again tomorrow.

i'll be praying, He'll be answering.

i'm blessed to have Him my whole life and blessed to have him for the rest of my walk on earth.

its been a rocky thorny path (yet again) for isaac and i and i wanto offer the deepest thanks to the third party in our relationship (Jesus Christ) for constantly mediating, ironing out difference, reconciling, diciplining and helping us to see each others' needs before our's and most of all, supplying an abundance of hope when i have nothing left in me that can possibly see good.. i thank God that through my hissy fits and screaming, through his block headedness which nv fails to exasperate on a bad day and amuse and endear on a good day, the love is still there. and most of all, i figure, as long as our commitment stands unto God, as long as Jesus sits on the throne, i have hope and access to the very power that is required to overcome anything, healing to mend every brokeness and passion to fuel every lacklustreness.

i am relieved to know that Jesus intervenes at every level of our relationship when communication fails us. when i can no longer convey my frustrations and choose to keep them bottled up instead because words fail me. but i thank God words fail because a picture paints a thousand words and one night, He painted a picture, dropped it into my beloved blockhead's conciousness and he saw what i was really going through and what was hurting our relationship.

so contrary to all my wondering of whether Jesus sees when u cry alone in the dark, i will stand up and attest to the unchangeble fact that HE DOES. HE SEES YOUR PAIN FEELS YOUR PAIN AND HEALS YOUR PAIN.

i love my savior. He truly saves in every which way possible.

so today i was praying for him, coz its the best thing we can do for each other. when all its said and done, sometimes all it takes is a prayer. my prayers were on the Lord helping him to overcome his weaknesses now that he has met them, and that ungodly sorrow (despair) will not touch him but he will lean on Him always and always no matter how many dead ends we meet. this is because right now both of us seem to be stuck in a rut, and we're basically feeling lost and directionless. we don't know what we're to become, what we're supposed to do because everything we've known to do, we are no longer capable of doing. our previous capabilities have been stripped bare.

(little did i guess that thats perfect reason to rejoice. )

and upon finishing the prayer, i found myself walking to the shelves in the living room and picking up the oswald chambers devotional that my dad bought earlier but nv touched (it happens a lot. i have a library of clean untouched books) and i saw this..

Our Lord said to paul, in effect ( on the road to Damascus)"Your whole life is to be empowered and subdued by Me, you are to have no end, no aim no purpose but Mine.

and the Lord also says to us, " You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go

paul was not even a message or doctrine to proclaim, He was brought into a vivid, personal overpowering relationship with Jesus Christ. Paul had to be devoted to a person and not a cause.

am just overwhelmed right now. just wanto scream my blessedness!

let it go- corrine may

i think we've been here before
i recognize this place
i've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
and i don't want to play anymore
not when the stakes are so high
so before we circle round once more
i'm gonna lay down
lay down my
pride

let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go

i turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
nothing seems to have changed
since the start of adam and eve
so we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
but before we circle round once more
can we lay down
just lay down this pride

let it go
let it be
don't waste all your emotion on this
tit for tat machine
let it go
let it be
let it go
don't go wasting your emotions
no one wins if we keep score
let it go
let it be
let it go

i love him.

think a lot. talk a lot.

i hate those watchful judgmental eyes that widens everytime i make a mistake.

and i hate how often i go wrong when i watch those watchful eyes watching me.

its ironic i know and its really hard to explain. yet, i am nonetheless the same. i pass judgments not just on wrong deeds but on the person. adam would be dead meat in my hands because somehow or the other, i delight not in mercy. i can't understand why some people purposefully do the wrong that they know will result in a massive chain-effect that will hurt many others, especially the ones they love.

i see, so i judge and i hurt.

there is such a fine line to judging and sin and not the person. its so hard to separate a man from his deed which is no wonder only God can still call us righteous when we sin so carelessly everyday. How He can still be a just God. I marvel at that that ONE man can truly take on the punishment of this sick sin-filled world.

never really gave much thought as to why God would reserve judgment only for Himself. i thought it shdnt be a big deal to pass that mantle also to us since He was the one who made us kings and high priests. one more to add to our CV really wouldn't hurt until late last night.

i was hopping mad over the wrong some people did. i kept meditating on it and the more i thought, the angrier i became. i saw how God time and again gave them chances to repent, called them back through various means, diciplined them with love and yet they willfully vehemently actually refused His ways. and i condemned them in my heart.

unbeknownst to me, there was an ache deeper in my heart which i could'nt detect. i didn't love these said people very much in the natural but the ache was still there.

when i felt the ache, i saw the heart of God.

He reserved judgment for Himself not just because He is rightfully the only one qualified to judge, not just because it involves the partaking of the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil' all over again, not just because he knows its difficult to for me to differentiate between the deed and the man...not just because of all that...

but because He wanted to save me the pain from executing judgment. because judgment, is painful. judgment resulted in the crucifixion of the Son of God. judgment will result in catastrophes etc. judgment will pain the heart of God even as the hand executes it. judgment results in eternal separation. there is so much more to judgment than i can ever comprehend.

***
attended an interesting sermon with terry mize at new crea last week with candice. His sermon made me think and i like sermons that make me think coz it is evidence that God is interacting with me and i hate just swallowing by faith because...i'm hard to please. and i might swallow a bone or two. (he who has ears, let him hear)

he talked about spiritual authority and how whoever we give our spiritual authority to will affect us in a very tremendous way. which explains why sometimes if a stranger who darzen care two hoots about you is prayed for by you, there is hardly any effect coz he also darzen care two hoots about your so-called spiritual authority.

and this part got me thinking..which goes to say how much spiritual authority I give unto Him must be very important too. and i know of only too many areas in my life and heart that are not totally yielded to Him. shall not make an open confession here before watchful eyes (Read above) but now i see why certain areas of my life are not bearing fruit as they used to or ever at all!because i couldn't give it up to Him. because i still want SOME control. because I AM STUPID!

sigh.
selah.tired already

anything that's special in me is you.

1.27 am

i suddenly feel like listening to the meteor garden soundtrack but i'm too lazy to look for it.

i wonder if Jesus reads my blog. i wonder if He knows Hez the reason why i write, the reason i live and breathe and the reason i haven't given up. Hez the star of this blog (and the bright and morning star also lah)

i'm wondering how life will eventually turn out but i'm not hasty and gan cheong abt it anymore. (maybe because i'm sedated)

i was counting my blessings (namely people in my life) and when i lost count, i broke down and cried. because i have too much. that money cannot buy. goodness does dissolve fat and bones. i melted away that moment.

i also realised that the fighter in me is still alive. (so is the weird kooky humour) its just wounded that's all.

the smile faded somewhat but it'll make a comeback. 1 million megawatts this time i promise. (watch out darlie/colgate/fann wong)

the light in my eyes has diminished along with the godzilla-like appetite. but i'm still connected to the power supply so none of you shd fret. as for the appetite, i'm open to treats.

i promise to update. because there's more to come, more to expect. more that i would have learnt and lived.

because Jesus is a good God.

thank you

sat was great except for the fact that i got isaac and i lost and we ended up at international business park. i panicked of course but we still managed to get home before midnight.

met up with my dear friend shuxin and went visiting for cny after that. that part was good.

i feel very comforted and loved. its true that when things are going so awry and wrong, your support system is very vital and important and i thank God so so much that my friends and family have been so supportive and sweet.

today a friend fr church that i wassnt particularly close just said this before parting after lunch that "should i have trouble (despite knowing the strange times of the day that i hv trouble), i could call anytime"

simple line as that but i was most touched. coz its expected to be inconvenient and difficult. prior to that my cg leader oso offered the same thing. and i know its not just talk because they have proven to be there when i need them too. for so long i thought isaac was the only one willing to be inconvenienced by me and i'v ebeen feeling so sorry for bringing him so much trouble but now, sigh it really just moves me to tears to know that i am loved.

sounds silly i know but i really didn't know prior to this episode. how real the love of God is that its shed in (almost) every heart around me. Gods been very gracious through this episode.

i remember once when i was gg thru a difficult time when i was young and mei ling said to me, "call me even if its 3 am or if you're hungry coz chances are, i'll be hungry too". only God knows how much that means to me coz sometimes, when trouble strikes and the enemy isolates you, its terribly scary to not have a tangible hand to hold, an audible voice to guide you.

i miss my friends so much. i just wanto tell all of you i love you all.

life is good.

i've got such wonderful people in my life! thank you Jesus.

been sick and been abstaining from yummy things like pineapple tarts which are my absolute weakness because i just don't wanto get worse.

and it din really help that i was appetiteless. so i was home alone on cny eve w/o food(that i can eat) and my dearest friend, mei ling offered to drive me out for lunch (at 3 pm!)even though she din have the car! (we don't know how of coz)anyhows anyways, its the thought that counts! most touched especiallywhen we know it'll be a tiring hunt for food when almost everything is closed for business.

and den she had to put up with my tantrums demanding for cake. i was even unreasonable enough (its the fever i tell you) to suggest that we go to mustafa, which will be open to buy cake mix to bake cake. BECAUSE I MUST HAVE CAKE.

den i was complaining to shuxin abt how i wun get to eat the wonderful pineapple tarts sitting in the kitchen coz im sick and when ive recovered, they would have been devoured ...
and today she msged me to tell me shez baking some for me so that i will get to eat pineapple tarts this season! it was such a sweeeet gesture although it brought back memories of the brownies she baked which smelt good but were tasteless. (usually i call things like that dog food but hush)

she confirmed my point when i told her i was so touched by saying .." wait till you taste them"

in any case, i feel most loved lah and thats all i need to get well anyway!(and some good pineapple tarts)

i've got most wonderful friends lah.

then isaac, the reigning best sweetest bf in the world was also very sweet and sweet because hez oso sick but he still eat pineapple tarts for me on my behalf. (im good at consoling myself) den he listen to me talk in my most croaky voice and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

life is good.

don't cry

I believe when they put her in the ground
I think they buried part of me
Because I've been searching, I've been looking all around
But I cannot find the heart of me, the heart of me

So I'll put my fingers in this soil upon her grave
And I will plant for her a garden
And every flower, a reminder of her face
Will grow up graceful as a pardon

And all that grows is her story told
As life unfolds here before us
The peace I've found in this broken ground
I can see her in the harvest...of all that I have sown

Long before I was covered up in gray
Before the old had bent my bones
We grew our children in the red Georgia clay
They were our garden and our home

And all that grows is our story told
As life unfolds here before
The peace we found in that broken ground
I can see them in the harvest...of all that I have sown

And when my life is done
I pray the kingdom come
And take me to Glory
It's living inside me
It was planted like a seed
All to tell a story

I believe when they put me in the ground
There will remain a part of me
Because I've been seraching and the joy that I have found
Is living in my family...it's all that I have sown

-bebo norman-

the cake monster is hungry

now i'll make you hungry

the dark side

i'm feeling so miserable i honestly just wanto be a brat. (and i'm not too far from it)

i've been in a semi comatose state since i started medication and it has honestly done me no apparent good because 1) i still have a fever 2) i still have alot of phlegm.

i'm exasperated and frustrated and this illness happens to coincide with cny. the ONE festival i'm actually really involved in but not excited about. there i see the relatives from that ONE side of the family that i hv no desire to see at all. infact, i think once a year is way too much to meet up. and my so called family is obviously oblivious to my flu. maybe the only way to get them to notice is to cough some phlegm out on them. decorate them with my phlegm. (bright sunny yellow)

ok the evil me is raging and shez back.

this festival, this time, this season, this family is not allowing me the rest that ME as a sick person should be entitled to. not allowing me the care and extra dosage of love that i shd be given. wait a minute...what love?

obviously im feeling a bit bitter and angry. and obviously i'm lying through me teeth when i say i'm just ABIT BITTER AND ANGRY. i leave it all up to you guys to interpret and read me. it darzen help the least bit that isaac quek is completely uncontactable.

excuse me now, i have to go sneeze and cough on someone.

almost

i was talking to shuxin on msn and i nearly jumped off my chair when she started sharing abt her dad's business and all. for a moment or two, i was truly envious. there i was erupting with business ideas but w/o the means to execute a single one but she could so easily.

but its ok. i am so happy for my grown up friend because we used to be such ding dongs together back in mgs. and really all we cared for was our shopping allowance. now that we have moved on to other people's shopping budget and allowance, i can safely say that yes, we've grown quite a bit.

someone help me to rest. i sit in bed nursing my flu and i just explode in my head with ideas and ideas n more ideas. and a deep sense of helplessness coupled with a few shots of excitement. i'm so excited abt the idea of executing it yet i feel so helpless coz i need the expertise and the CAPITAL.

offers have trickled (not poured) in to fund my ideas but wisdom arrests me and gently suggests that i should probably do alot more homework and learn first, from the veterans and i guess that makes my job the perfect place to be in. coz i meet retailers from start ups to renowned ones on a daily basis.

at this point i really need to relax and rest a lot more and concentrate on getting well but its tough when i'm so activity-oriented. God help me. i dream so big and while many say its a good thing, i wonder (still) if any of it will materialise. because the fear of disappointment still lingers. because i see my own disability and i wonder. if its ever achievable. so while both feet are firmly planted on the ground and my head inthe clouds, i need some help in flapping my wings to fly.

i can sniff heaven already. still jogging in circles and picking up momentum but not quite there yet.

silly me, someone remind me its never about me and yes its all achievable. by Him and His divine empowerment. thats what i like about grace. not just being undeserved but a divine empowerment to execute so so much.

all for the glory of Jesus.

sick lamb updates

sick lamb updates

oh no. life might be going in another direction that i'm not too prepared for. what i'm currently doing darzen seem to be reaping much results. although i've garnered quite a massive impressive contact base. but thats abt it (or at least seem so to the naked eye)

at this point, i'm no longer as averse to change than say a few months ago whereby i just wished for nothing but constancy. so far all the changes that have been brought about only brought good and benefits. so never mind the initial jitters, God will see me through till i reach my promised land.

for now i pretty much still feel that i'm still in the wilderness. progressing steadily but not quite there. i know i have to be somewhere but progress seems to be quite slow. i don't even know where i am on the road map so theres no way to gauge how far more i hv to go.

but its ok. He knows.

that aside, the only reason i'm blogging is because i'm down with a fever that wun go downand on mc. sure if eel weak and all, but somehow i'm happy or joyful rather. life is like that. i marvel at how God makes me laugh even when im in the pits without me losing the screws in my head. its magical i say...and i'm loving every moment. yes, even in the pits. i'm no longer the anxious fretful girl. if there was anything i really lacked in life, it was patience. and with renewed patience, somehow now i have the grace to wait even though in the natural, it just seems so deplete and incomplete.

i have Jesus and i truly have it all. i like to say this especially when i have nothing. because it seems even more ridiculous to the human mind and it defies logic and reason even more than ever. because i know my God has something up those magnificent white sleeves of His and Hez going to unleash it and lo and behold, jaws are gg to drop and isaac and will just chuckle. no sighs of relief this time coz this time around, we know. He has trained us well. after so many rounds of 'practice' whereby we hold our breaths in deep anticipation without knowing the outcome, this time we rest in a confidence greater than us.

stuck in a moment and i can't get out of it.

i just got reminded by my brother that 1995 was more than a decade ago.

most of you know i seldom ever if ever at all buy cds and every cd i buy must be quite something or a result of some massive impulsive streak that i have since managed to curb...quite successfully..

until i saw this today..
so now i'm somewhere stuck in the 90s. and don't try to borrow it from me k. its on repeat mode. and i'm on selfish mode.

what i really like

my pastor said something today that really struck me-that if we were still telling God that He shouldn't have allowed something in the past to happen, we have yet to learn the lesson.

the good news today is that He can really cause even that broken past, that lousy stupid mistake to work out for good. i don't really have an inkling as to what good it can possibly do but if giants were bread for champions in the case of Israel and jericho, i guess i'll just submit myself to the truth and let it amaze me.

i like how today turned out coz i was in such a frumpy miserable mood the night before. i like how my Father always surprises me with the pleasantest things. most of all, i thank the Lord that i can be joyful over nothing at all. an increasing trait i find in me these days, no matter how kancheong i am tempted to be or how dismaying the circumstances look. i celebrate the fact that i can laugh over nothing at all, and its not because someone is tickling me or if the screw up there is loose...

contrary to popular belief.

i also like the fact that everytime i cry, i can expect His comfort, His warmth, a hand to wipe away the tears/mucus, and a hug to make the pain ebb.

i am so enjoying the fact that i belong to Him and Him alone such that even when i'm the kancheong spider that i'm always tempted to be, i can expect grace and mercy.

i love how He loves me so much He diciplines me, He chides me with love, so that i can grow and not stay a brat now and forever more( phew).

a very short song

HOW YOU LOVE ME

hope came home
home to me today
and fear has run the other way
and words are weak
they don't know how to say
"You know i still believe in You"
and should my dreams fall through
i know i'll be safe with You
so with every breath i breathe
i'll sing about how You love me

-bebo norman

a reunion

today i found out for myself how it must have felt like to be like the blind man set free by Jesus, to be like the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus.

unlike the woman however, i had zero faith in me to even reach out and touch Him. i was low all over again and the physical symptoms only served to heighten my despair and served as a mockery to me. i felt that i was let down by Him, by the word.

judge me if you can't help it but that was truly so. then in the midst of the service my pastor received a word of knowledge and addressed my problem. my physical symptoms that were so unique and stubborn. He called me out through His faithful servant, my beloved pastor and there and i stepped out(i had no choice anyway, it was really just me), received prayer and got healed.

not just on the outside but on the inside too. its beyond description. a problem that has plagued me for so long and gave me so much trouble is finally gone. i couldn't reach out for Him so He reached out to me. i couldn't hear Him and He did all that was necessary to make himself heard. so that i would know His heart. so that Father and daughter could reconcile and there would be no more misunderstandings.

i was joyful, yet relieved and at peace. its a paradox of emotions, juxtaposed opposites. now i know i experienced mercy and grace anew. on a new level. and best of all, i walked away today knowing more and wanting to know more about my Father's heart for me.

never mind the theology, i feel loved and thats just that.

i wanted to shout and just run out and tell someone. so here i am. healed and whole by Jesus Christ.

brand new

its been awhile.

there was christmas and new year. yes, we're now in 2006 and everytime this year, i can most likely be found even on the 2nd day of the year still reeling from shock that yes, such a momentous event occurred. that being that a WHOLE year has passed.

despite having gone through this cycle 22 rounds, i never quite got over the phenomenon of how time passes. SO QUICKLY. and being overly nostalgic even over a lousy time/year, i get all sentimental and weepy over the past year. a part of me is still trapped in the past. from the time i was concious of time till like now. this year, i just want to live in the present and have hope for the future.

of coz that will be an enormous feat on its own.

theres nothing quite like 2005. it was a year of tremendous change and challenges and when asked to give a testimony for thanksgiving service, i was dumbfounded. simply put, i'm glad i survived 2005. it was an emotional whirlwind and i can't honestly say that true steadfastness in trust in my almighty God saw me through just fine.

i barely escaped unscathed. but once again, it was yet another year that will go down in my history of His sheer faithfulness and love. even when i misused the authority that He has bestowed on me, even when....

shall not go there as all is forgiven. uncovering my own mercy seat is another nono.

now that i'm in 2006, along with the rest of the world, all i ask for this year is really a greater more intimate walk with Him. so that mountains high or valleys low, i'll be calm on the inside and unstirred. truly walking worthy as a child of the Most High. there are bound to be valleys and circumstances cannot always be favorable but at the end of it all, i know i'll triumph. i know He has already overcome it all.

Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful
dear Lord You are faithful,
Like the rain that You bring and every breath that i breathe
You are so faithful oh lord

Like a rose, that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, dear Lord you are faithful
Like the life that You give, to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful O lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the waves
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful

when the stars refuse to shine
and time is no more
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful my God.

at the end of the line, this is what i discover

i feel so utterly discouraged sometimes i don't even want to wake up.

i think the despair crept in this week and i allowed it to invade with little or any resistance. i could hold the fort no longer and i just allowed my defences to crumble. the pressure is so intense at time i literally caved in. doubts, questions reeled endlessly in my mind and i lost sight of who He is, whose i am and my eternal promises sealed by the blood of Jesus with a covenant that cannot fail.

i need yet another miracle. soon. because patience and time failed me.

surrounded by so many lies but the one who CANNOT lie lives in me. (heb 6) thats the most comforting truth i've heard thus far and i just pray i have the patience and fortitude to 'hang in there' and watch it all come to pass. i've truly lost sight of everything that i thought i was so focused on. i've been nothing but a rebellious tantrum-filled child reeling accusations against a father who refuses to defend Himself.

and yet He waits, for me to tire out to be completely worn out from those hissy fits. and then i hear his endless whispers of comfort to my frazzled soul. i resist them yet again. because i'm still angry. because i'm still trapped in these circumstances that weigh so heavily on my tiny shoulders. i feel his presence overwhelm me. his endless comfort in such a tangible palpable way. yet i still doubt.

i can almost see this scenario happening in the near future even though its a scenario repeated only too often in the past. me, dissolved by goodness that i don't deserve bawling my eyes out because of this gift of mercy and grace and being utterly ashamed of myself. i oso see Him picking me up again and forgiving me. inspite of it all.

its sad but i believe its not just me. we identify His goodness only by a breakthroughs in natural circumstances such a good buy, a windfall, a promotion or anything that allows life in this world to be 'better', (by this world's lousy standards of course) its the original temptation in Eden and i believe its the devil's trump card..to make us doubt God's goodness.

the serpent had to make eve doubt if God was truly good and suggested the possibility that God might be withholding something from her. the doubt sank in deep enough in those few moments that changed the fate of mankind forever for her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

today i realise that inspite of this bleak circumstances, His goodness is and CANNOT be confined to the natural circumstances that are ever so volatile, especially in these turbulent last days. His goodness may manifest in natural circumstances but it does not stop there. It's the heart of God that is the epitome of His goodness. Its His heart towards us, His endless thoughts towards us, His love that compelled Him to send His only begotten son.

just 22 days more.

the song that made me bawl.
the song that made me realise i need to share it with someone
the song that reminded me that i still have a blog (dusty as it is) so i can conveniently share.
the song that means so much.
the song that reminded me that i am His. His child. as orphaned as i feel sometimes

thank you so much mei ling. this must be one of the best christmas presents ever. ranking close after the gift of Jesus himself. you truly know me best.

john 14:18 "I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you."

All I really want
well, I don't really know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green glannel shirt
you may not have seen me, i was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you cause that's never worked before
and youll probably never see this letter, anyway
but just in case there's something you can do to help me out
i'll ask you one more time

all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
a shoulder to cry on if i lose, shoulders to ride on if i win
there's so much i could ask for, but there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas, is a family

well, i guess i should go ahead and tell you now
if it's really true about the list you have
somehow i always seem to end up in a fight
but i'm really trying hard not to be bad

but maybe if i had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
maybe they could teach me how to get along
and from everything i've heard it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
would be a mom

all i really want for christmas is someone who'll be here
to sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
and it's ok if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
that's all right cause so am i

well i guess i should go, its almost time for bed
and maybe next time i write you i'll be at home
cause all i really want for christmas is someone to tuck me in
tell me i'll never be alone, someone who's love will never end
of all that i could ask for, well, there's just one thing i need
all i really want for christmas is a family.

-all i really want-
steven curtis chapman

visit www.ShaoeyandDot.com to win an autographed copy of 'A Christmas Miracle' by Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman.

visit www.howtoadopt.org because i think you should.

all that said and done, i'm still up for adoption.

blush

me (working working on my computer at the workplace.

(weird things start appearing on the monitor. strange colors popping out from nowhere at all)

me (panics)

me (runs to the IT dept and looks for IT manager)

me: j!(IT manager) come help!my computer is sick! strange colors are coming out on my screen!

IT manager and me rush back to my desk.

IT manager sits down, reaches for the mouse.

me (anxious): so how??!?!

IT manager: excuse me, this is your screen saver hor.

me: .....

matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live free and lightly"

after a beautiful sat morning session with Jesus, this is what i gather..

i will never let my heart be broken again over broken promises of some human being. including myself.

its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.

somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.

i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.

i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.

isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.

ok pettiness go.

***

that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.

den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Thats exactly how i've been feeling and although i feel slightly (ok alot actually) hard pressed, His constant encouragement keeps me buoyant and above the situation. and i am so grateful.

its been awesome in the sense that though situations and circumstances aren't all too favorable, i've knowing and seeing His heart for me better and somehow, while the outside can sometimes be so heartwrenching and tumultuous, i can still relish the sweet comfort of His presence in my life.

my journey with Him issnt perfect and i know that He wants more of me. much much more than my hunger of Him. sometimes i find it appalling that i make Him wait (albeit patiently) for me to spend time at His feet when i'm one who absolutely hates waiting. patience has yet to take fruit in my spirit and i can totally understand the pain of waiting. i'm known to walk off and disappear and not to return after just 15 minutes and God knows how long He waited for me in the day just to take notice or pay attention to Him. He must have waited ages just to say ' i love you'.

***

had lunch with adelene today and i was hoping to see belle too. i missed them both so so much. these two girls have been with me since i was like 9 and have seen me through so much of my life. i was so sorry to realise that i havent been around for them as much as i ought to.

girls, i'm so sorry. love you so very much. pls just call!

met jon and eunice later on in town. both are back on holiday and eunice was a complete surprise. not that she wazznt welcomed of coz. these two are two other people whom i absolutely love and were responsible for bringing so much sunshine and laughter into my life. we had so much fun and i'm so comforted to know that this aspect totally din change. i love them so much. eventhough i was a tad bit taciturn as i was so so tired. but i had good fun just hanging out and getting endless updates on the who's doing what since ive been so out of the loop

den after that wat happened was just so divinely bizarre. met my jc teachers who brought us to meet our principal whom they're gg to have a farewell tea with as hez leaving the college. den we talked and laughed and even ended up taking a picture together (above). i miss them so much.

ok i typed alot here but blogger at it all up.

just wanted to say how much i miss and cherish these people. timezones, physical distances and even hectic schedules might stand in the way of these beautiful friendships but i just pray that we will never betoo busy to just spare a moment now and then to remember each other and say a prayer. coz soemtimes thats all it takes to keep the friendship going.

lamb in lion's clothing.

too many moments,

i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.

scared.

sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.

i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.

its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.

the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.

good riddance.

found the flower button..but how to off the flash?