doctor: your life is really bad.
me: trials are temporary. Gotta maintain some optimism and faith.
who's who?
Btw, they ran out of my drugs and I now have to go to another pharmacy to get it via prescription.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Today,after a 1plus month sick leave of absence to get my mind and life sorted put,I start work officially.
Apprehensive yet excited all at once my heart is bursting with praise for god.I'm not confident at all of anything,especially my abilities to fill the large shoes of expectations but I know god will be there to strengthen and hold my hand through it all. And that's all I need.
I look to him for help and blessings for this new season and stay calm but poised for surprise at what he has in store for me.
I love u lord.thank you so much.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, February 18, 2011
of ICQ and other ancient artefacts
It happened again.
Slept at 10pm woke up at 2 + am.
And here I am now. Bleurgh.
Tried to log into my ICQ account earlier. Blast from the past with some of the best memories (and most embarassing ones). I wonder what happened to it. I lost my user id and password but remembered my UIN.
Missing some friends. Wishing they'd call. Not at 3 am of course, but eventually coz I've so lost touch. But if they did, what would we say? What would I say? Perhaps, "Hi, how have you been? Been a while. I have insomnia and you popped up at 3 am"
Slept at 10pm woke up at 2 + am.
And here I am now. Bleurgh.
Tried to log into my ICQ account earlier. Blast from the past with some of the best memories (and most embarassing ones). I wonder what happened to it. I lost my user id and password but remembered my UIN.
Missing some friends. Wishing they'd call. Not at 3 am of course, but eventually coz I've so lost touch. But if they did, what would we say? What would I say? Perhaps, "Hi, how have you been? Been a while. I have insomnia and you popped up at 3 am"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Being a Gideon
Gideon-When you're afraid to move forward but can't look back.
Small and weak
Heard you
Unable
Show me a sign
Desperate
Anyway anyhow
Small and weak
Heard you
Unable
Show me a sign
Desperate
Anyway anyhow
The present trial
At least trying times drives me to God for all that it's worth, I know it's worth it.
Job hunt is still inconclusive with negotiations attaining no progress. Am not extremely optimistic either way either way: with both current company and the search for new ones. Everything seems to sum up to communicate what a failure I am. I seem to be paper underqualified for just about every job I've applied even though I've been doing it for..5 years.
It's a superficial world that constantly instils nothing but self-doubt and discouragement. I would probably be able to muster more tenacity in me to perservere if not for the severe lack of sleep. The sleep deficit is costing me too much and I see no way out of this hell hole as yet.
The wonderous miracle of it all is that somehow, inspite of the frustrations, I have an abiding peace in me. It might sound absolutely preposterous but somehow I know I just have to wait it out the best way I can and continue to sit at his feet and wait. That's the privilege and trial of every child of God because waiting was designed to do something to the spirit. It's like a refiner's fire to purge out impurities and draw out the very best that will otherwise lay dormant.
I can't quite snuff out the cries of despair and other thoughts that try to weigh down my soul just like how I can't quite stop my nose from being runny now.
Jesus, give me strength to cling on harder to you and all your truth.
Job hunt is still inconclusive with negotiations attaining no progress. Am not extremely optimistic either way either way: with both current company and the search for new ones. Everything seems to sum up to communicate what a failure I am. I seem to be paper underqualified for just about every job I've applied even though I've been doing it for..5 years.
It's a superficial world that constantly instils nothing but self-doubt and discouragement. I would probably be able to muster more tenacity in me to perservere if not for the severe lack of sleep. The sleep deficit is costing me too much and I see no way out of this hell hole as yet.
The wonderous miracle of it all is that somehow, inspite of the frustrations, I have an abiding peace in me. It might sound absolutely preposterous but somehow I know I just have to wait it out the best way I can and continue to sit at his feet and wait. That's the privilege and trial of every child of God because waiting was designed to do something to the spirit. It's like a refiner's fire to purge out impurities and draw out the very best that will otherwise lay dormant.
I can't quite snuff out the cries of despair and other thoughts that try to weigh down my soul just like how I can't quite stop my nose from being runny now.
Jesus, give me strength to cling on harder to you and all your truth.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The burden of prosperity
" Abundant grace enabled him (Paul) to bar abundant prosperity. When he had a full sail he was loaded with much ballast, and so floated safely. It needs more than human skill to carry the brimming cup of mortal joy with a steady hand, yet Paul had learned that skill, for he declares, " In all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry. " It is a divine lesson to know how to be full, for the Israelites were full once, but while the flesh was yet in their mouth, the wrath of God came upon them. Many have asked for mercies that they might satisfy their own hearts' lust. Fulness of bread has often made fulness of blood and that has brought on wantoness of spirit. When we have much of God's providential mercies, it often happens that we have butlittle of God's grace and little gratitude for the bounties we have received. We are full and we forget God: satisfied with earth, we are content to do without heaven. Rest assured it is harder to know how to be full than it is to know how to be hungry--so desperate is the tendency of human nature to pride and forgetfulness of God."-Charles Spurgeon.
Insomnia
This is not good. At all.
Thank God the meeting tomorrow was postponed. Otherwise, I'd be a complete zombie.
I must have over-excited both brain and stomach. My stomach is apparently still busy digesting the huge dinner I had with Cali. There's like a cyclone living inside and it's making loud sounds.
Refuse to return to my sleeping pills so now I just have to rough it out even if it means being completely zonked out tomorrow. I can't sleep late even though I technically have the luxury to, thanks to the construction two blocks down.
Was just thinking about the last month and how I took the opportunity to devour all sorts of information that I could get my hands on on the following topics of interest:
-Microexpressions
-Criminal profiling
-Crime scene investigation
-Miscarriages of justice
-Spiritual Depression
-Acupoints
-Food (ok, last one was not a surprise)
Despite the adrenaline high I get from reading about my pet topics, I am ready to hit the treadmill of life and get back to work. Now now, if only it'll get sorted out soon.
God, help me resolve this stalemate. In the meantime, help me to utilize the last days of my freedom according to Your preferences.
Thank God the meeting tomorrow was postponed. Otherwise, I'd be a complete zombie.
I must have over-excited both brain and stomach. My stomach is apparently still busy digesting the huge dinner I had with Cali. There's like a cyclone living inside and it's making loud sounds.
Refuse to return to my sleeping pills so now I just have to rough it out even if it means being completely zonked out tomorrow. I can't sleep late even though I technically have the luxury to, thanks to the construction two blocks down.
Was just thinking about the last month and how I took the opportunity to devour all sorts of information that I could get my hands on on the following topics of interest:
-Microexpressions
-Criminal profiling
-Crime scene investigation
-Miscarriages of justice
-Spiritual Depression
-Acupoints
-Food (ok, last one was not a surprise)
Despite the adrenaline high I get from reading about my pet topics, I am ready to hit the treadmill of life and get back to work. Now now, if only it'll get sorted out soon.
God, help me resolve this stalemate. In the meantime, help me to utilize the last days of my freedom according to Your preferences.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
The farce
In reference to the famous Philipian verse:
Be care for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God
"What does the apostle tell us to do when we are threatened by anxiety? He does not just say: 'Stop worrying, pull yourself together'. The apostle does not say that for the good reason that totell a person in that condition to stop worrying is useless. Incidentally, it is also bad psychology. That is what is called repression"-Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression.
I have been a victim too often in my life to the common enemy of anxiety. This has lead to both well and ill-meaning people that surround me to use this verse as a generic rod to beat me into forcefully stopping my tendency to worry. Never once did it work and more often than not, it breeds a sense of despair and helplessness.
I hate psychology disguised in Christian cloak. Call a spade a spade but don't clothe it under something so glorious and parade it as your own.
The bible is clear about our human depravity and what we really are-nothing. In this, God's grace is made even clearer to me when I see that He has made provision even for this. So to the strong and worry-free, I suspect that you either have nothing to worry about living in your detached cocoon of illusion or that your sanity has already gone over the edge.
I know for sure the taste of this medicine you freely dole out will not be sweet.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Be care for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God
"What does the apostle tell us to do when we are threatened by anxiety? He does not just say: 'Stop worrying, pull yourself together'. The apostle does not say that for the good reason that totell a person in that condition to stop worrying is useless. Incidentally, it is also bad psychology. That is what is called repression"-Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression.
I have been a victim too often in my life to the common enemy of anxiety. This has lead to both well and ill-meaning people that surround me to use this verse as a generic rod to beat me into forcefully stopping my tendency to worry. Never once did it work and more often than not, it breeds a sense of despair and helplessness.
I hate psychology disguised in Christian cloak. Call a spade a spade but don't clothe it under something so glorious and parade it as your own.
The bible is clear about our human depravity and what we really are-nothing. In this, God's grace is made even clearer to me when I see that He has made provision even for this. So to the strong and worry-free, I suspect that you either have nothing to worry about living in your detached cocoon of illusion or that your sanity has already gone over the edge.
I know for sure the taste of this medicine you freely dole out will not be sweet.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Post CNY
The fatigue is really taking a toll.
I definitely overdosed on my Aunty's sedap curry and now my throat is threatening to rebel against the harsh treatment.
Overall, I survived CNY. I rebelled in many ways also and there's officially a stand-off/cold war. I made my point and I'm leaving it at that. Great sense of relief and it is so liberating to finally allow my silent screams to have a voice.
I was all determined to have a restful CNY and not oblige to every single invitation and repeat last year's nightmare of endless cooking and cleaning. It didn't work. I managed to escape the slave of kitchen bit but still exhausted my days going out to meet friends. I'm glad these people insulate my attempts of 'hermitdom'. I am so unwilling to crawl out of my shell these days and so relish reading and other solitary activities. In the silence, I can be myself and while that's not always a good thing, my favourite part is being able to hear and sort out my own thoughts. In the past, I just always had too much stimuli.
Now, I'm preparing to restart work. Still don't know where God will lead and how to navigate these unchartered territories. Hope it works out.
I definitely overdosed on my Aunty's sedap curry and now my throat is threatening to rebel against the harsh treatment.
Overall, I survived CNY. I rebelled in many ways also and there's officially a stand-off/cold war. I made my point and I'm leaving it at that. Great sense of relief and it is so liberating to finally allow my silent screams to have a voice.
I was all determined to have a restful CNY and not oblige to every single invitation and repeat last year's nightmare of endless cooking and cleaning. It didn't work. I managed to escape the slave of kitchen bit but still exhausted my days going out to meet friends. I'm glad these people insulate my attempts of 'hermitdom'. I am so unwilling to crawl out of my shell these days and so relish reading and other solitary activities. In the silence, I can be myself and while that's not always a good thing, my favourite part is being able to hear and sort out my own thoughts. In the past, I just always had too much stimuli.
Now, I'm preparing to restart work. Still don't know where God will lead and how to navigate these unchartered territories. Hope it works out.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
new hair
The curls are more relaxed now and I finally feel I can let my hair down when I go out.
Eve of Eve of CNY. I'm not excited or happy. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Want to be a hermit and hide under the covers. Go away world. Go ahead and rain me in.
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