Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Blessed
It's 9.30 pm and I'm sitting on the sofa like a couch potato with an active boy turning within me!
It's the most fantastic feeling ever!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Uncertainty and change
Though the last week has been great, I find myself grappling with crippling boredom and frustration again today.
I've been cooking and cleaning almost obsessively. I stepped out today and it still looks like the hall is a warzone. There are baby clothes now...New from opened packages. Then there's still so much to wash and put away. There are spaces to clean out for the helper, the child. A part of me wants to wait for the helper to do all the cleaning but I feel bad that she will step into this warzone.
I had a lunch appointment cancelled because of the mini storm we are having in my area. I also threw up a storm of another kind after taking my fish oil supplements so we decided, I better stay put. This was a huge bummer because I'm really in desperate need for human interaction. I find myself restless and cleaning even though my hand is strained when I'm alone. Or worse, having my thoughts wander to a galaxy far away. I wonder about life after and wonder how I'll cope having a helper. Somehow, ironically, it is an area of stress with the loss of privacy, potential friction etc.
I also wonder the most about the baby. I suffer from what I call pregnancy eating guilt and am always on a quest to eat nutritious food for the baby. Unfortunately, because of the haywire tastebuds, I often don't feel like eating and then get guilty about it. This guilt drives me to make my own meals where I have control on what goes into it but frankly, my cooking is less than stellar and I hate it so much!! (most of the time). It is also very tiring and I dread it so much sometimes. Imagine the washing up after a whole cooking session.
Most days are fine now but when I do get near anxiety attacks, I wonder if I should continue to get professional help especially in light of first-time mom stress. I get so scared at the prospect and worry about finances coz my earnings have gone from significant to zero. That alone is another area of stress...but I digress. I need to remind myself that the reasons behind that and most importantly, I didn't really have a choice back then and had to work out the best possible option for myself and the baby.
On that note, I really need to remind myself that :
-God is in control.
-God ordains the steps of a righteous man.
Will try to steal a nap and take advantage of the respite from the heat with this stormy weather.
I've been cooking and cleaning almost obsessively. I stepped out today and it still looks like the hall is a warzone. There are baby clothes now...New from opened packages. Then there's still so much to wash and put away. There are spaces to clean out for the helper, the child. A part of me wants to wait for the helper to do all the cleaning but I feel bad that she will step into this warzone.
I had a lunch appointment cancelled because of the mini storm we are having in my area. I also threw up a storm of another kind after taking my fish oil supplements so we decided, I better stay put. This was a huge bummer because I'm really in desperate need for human interaction. I find myself restless and cleaning even though my hand is strained when I'm alone. Or worse, having my thoughts wander to a galaxy far away. I wonder about life after and wonder how I'll cope having a helper. Somehow, ironically, it is an area of stress with the loss of privacy, potential friction etc.
I also wonder the most about the baby. I suffer from what I call pregnancy eating guilt and am always on a quest to eat nutritious food for the baby. Unfortunately, because of the haywire tastebuds, I often don't feel like eating and then get guilty about it. This guilt drives me to make my own meals where I have control on what goes into it but frankly, my cooking is less than stellar and I hate it so much!! (most of the time). It is also very tiring and I dread it so much sometimes. Imagine the washing up after a whole cooking session.
Most days are fine now but when I do get near anxiety attacks, I wonder if I should continue to get professional help especially in light of first-time mom stress. I get so scared at the prospect and worry about finances coz my earnings have gone from significant to zero. That alone is another area of stress...but I digress. I need to remind myself that the reasons behind that and most importantly, I didn't really have a choice back then and had to work out the best possible option for myself and the baby.
On that note, I really need to remind myself that :
-God is in control.
-God ordains the steps of a righteous man.
Will try to steal a nap and take advantage of the respite from the heat with this stormy weather.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Cooking is addictive!
Beef stew turned out decent! (For my standards at least) and Isaac polished off a load of it!
Cooking must be really addictive coz now I've got the urge to cook creamy pasta.
The only problem now is that my wrist, which has been hurting for one week and slowly getting better started hurting after chopping, cooking and washing again.
:(
Joys of pregnancy!
Convictions
-baby only kicks me when I want sleep.
-it might be too early but he seems to be kicking my pubic bone. Uncomfortable thuds but not totally ouch yet.
-baby might be nocturnal.
So tired now..
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Post bday celebrations!
From the start, I decided to go cheap and local while he decided to go for something fancier. I picked etna because I've always been a fan of Italian and the past few experiences were fantastic.
And so we had these: 
And this 
It was ok but I was somewhat disappointed. I remembered heartier, tastier epic portions considering that this meal cost is 3 figures! Also, because I'm basically an oven now, I felt hot in the restaurant! I guess that's the normal temperature for other patrons though, bummer for me.
I was really uncomfortable and we left as soon as we finished our food. I felt bad coz husband really wanted to celebrate.
So $15.50 of cab fare later, even though it was only a short distance away, we found ourselves in my favorite ice cream place, daily scoop!
This place is vibrant with decently priced ice cream and the temperature is usually considered to be freezing for most so I thought it'd be perfect. My kinda place! Cheap and good!
But..I found out to my dismay that it is official that my hormones have killed my taste buds. I ordered a strawberry shortcake on a cone and looked forward to tingling my taste buds with the sour, sweet combination but could taste pretty much nothing but the cold. Husband tried it and he said it tasted as good as before so we concluded that it was indeed just me.
Glad we went though because it was just happier, sprightlier and COLDER!
So that's that! I think I'll just give up and celebrate next year.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Turning 31
Is love to write more and yesterday was beautiful but...I am so tired remembering and stringing words together just seem like mammoth tasks. 
Thursday, July 24, 2014
All in a day
I snubbed the back of my foot. Some skin came off and there's some bleeding.
I smacked my hand against someone or something because it's bruised and swelling now.
Happy parts:
I feel like I swallowed a jellyfish. All the squishy kicks and turns!
Isaac brought me a lot of food and flowers!
I only puked once this week!
Baby, I feel like you're sooo grown up already!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Time is speeding up!
Time is passing faster and faster these days. The first trimester was painfully slow because I was throwing up violently everyday and also had to worry about work.
Now that I'm done with work, I find myself busier than expected. Been doing housework and trying to reorganize space and life while occasionally meeting up with friends. These days, I don't look forward to weekends as much as I look forward to seeing my husband each day after work and...the monthly scan. Every scan is far too short and i just love seeing him wiggle, flail or just sleep.
I also feel more than kicks now and actual "shifting" or a mass moving in my abdomen. It sometimes feel like I ate a jellyfish but until he kicks some vital parts, this is all really fun and I'm filled with awe and gratefulness.
Collected my stroller!!
Wrnt to collect my stroller today after almost 2 months in the shop and I nearly cried there because it's starting to feel so real. It's like trying on the wedding gown for the first time and having it really sink in that you're getting married. This is akin to that, though on a different scale.
I'm nuts. Blame the hormones.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Composed in my sleep
Oh where are my brain cells?
Oh where are my brain cells?
Where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh whereeeee
They exist, just not nowww
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Gripe
I hate it so much when my mum insinuates it's my fault or that I ate something wrong when I throw up. It's the pregnancy hormones!!
How ignorant and insensitive can some people be?
Boundaries
When laundry is done, laundry bags somehow unravel themselves when not zipped properly.
This was the only thought I had when I tried to do laundry earlier, with the half-zipped bags that were put in before the cycle completely opened and its contents spilled out.
A parallel to life because when God washes me up, I come apart. It's a rough tumble of a ride somewhat akin to being in a tumbling washing machine but after that, I'm nice and clean, ready to be of use again.
**
Pregnancy makes you even more fearful. I'm not the most optimistic person with a charged-up, ever ready faith. I fear and I stumble and now, my only assurance is that through it all, God will be there.
I face fear sometimes head-on or sometimes like a wuss and take my heart for a roller coaster ride. These get magnified during pregnancy when you realize it is not just about one but two. I feel responsible for him, a helpless foetus and I already suck at taking care of myself. Now, to take care of myself is to take care of him and there is no one without the other. Pregnancy makes me think twice about every action before making them and nothing is given over to impulse.
I made up my mind not to forget the trials and joys of pregnancy and will note them down, either privately or here (because we cannot count on the pregnancy brain to store everything). One day, when I look back, it'll seem like a piece of cake and I might be tempted to trivialize or dismiss the journey when it really was a forced journey of faith and another chapter of God's faithfulness.
This will also remind me to be empathetic and sympathetic towards other women and not just dismiss them but to be tender to them when they face similar fears. I've been at the rude end of people unintentionally or maliciously telling me horror stories repeatedly and have allowed these stories to breed fear and unrest in my own heart. It is horrible and I don't want it to be repeated in anyone else. As far as I am concerned, pregnancy bears a burden big enough on its own and doesn't require exceptional external input. Granted, some of these people are well meaning but they have put in very little thought into how unsettling and even tormenting it is for the soon-to-be mother.
I'm still in two minds about whether to 1) avoid them like plague or 2) draw and delineate clear boundaries with specific people. I guess it depends on 1) how they will take it and 2) whether I value the relationship or not. It is easier to write them off and avoid them like plague for the rest of the journey (or even longer) but some are too precious to lose. Yet, I dread their reactions because egos are bruised and intentions are put into the spotlight. In these cases, it might be the lack of sensitivity.
I recently very firmly told a friend to stop doing something that I dislike and she persisted. It took me awhile to even tell her firmly because it required courage. I knew she wouldn't take well to it. She did it again. I've learnt that when people choose not to respect you, you owe them nothing and while it is not a major loss to her, it impairs the friendship and you owe it to yourself than to put up with it needlessly.
This is not a one-off thing before I decided to speak about it in the hopes of bettering the relationship or at least keeping it status quo but an on-going thing.
Learning to draw boundaries might be painful but it is a responsibility one has towards oneself and important because...sanity is at stake. You can only please so many people and it isn't and shouldn't be one's life purpose. Abusive behaviour has to be cut off for both parties' sake.
I feel relieved and strangely proud when I stand up for myself. It is so much easier to stand up for other people and neglect thyself but when it is done, you know you're stronger and freer.
This was the only thought I had when I tried to do laundry earlier, with the half-zipped bags that were put in before the cycle completely opened and its contents spilled out.
A parallel to life because when God washes me up, I come apart. It's a rough tumble of a ride somewhat akin to being in a tumbling washing machine but after that, I'm nice and clean, ready to be of use again.
**
Pregnancy makes you even more fearful. I'm not the most optimistic person with a charged-up, ever ready faith. I fear and I stumble and now, my only assurance is that through it all, God will be there.
I face fear sometimes head-on or sometimes like a wuss and take my heart for a roller coaster ride. These get magnified during pregnancy when you realize it is not just about one but two. I feel responsible for him, a helpless foetus and I already suck at taking care of myself. Now, to take care of myself is to take care of him and there is no one without the other. Pregnancy makes me think twice about every action before making them and nothing is given over to impulse.
I made up my mind not to forget the trials and joys of pregnancy and will note them down, either privately or here (because we cannot count on the pregnancy brain to store everything). One day, when I look back, it'll seem like a piece of cake and I might be tempted to trivialize or dismiss the journey when it really was a forced journey of faith and another chapter of God's faithfulness.
This will also remind me to be empathetic and sympathetic towards other women and not just dismiss them but to be tender to them when they face similar fears. I've been at the rude end of people unintentionally or maliciously telling me horror stories repeatedly and have allowed these stories to breed fear and unrest in my own heart. It is horrible and I don't want it to be repeated in anyone else. As far as I am concerned, pregnancy bears a burden big enough on its own and doesn't require exceptional external input. Granted, some of these people are well meaning but they have put in very little thought into how unsettling and even tormenting it is for the soon-to-be mother.
I'm still in two minds about whether to 1) avoid them like plague or 2) draw and delineate clear boundaries with specific people. I guess it depends on 1) how they will take it and 2) whether I value the relationship or not. It is easier to write them off and avoid them like plague for the rest of the journey (or even longer) but some are too precious to lose. Yet, I dread their reactions because egos are bruised and intentions are put into the spotlight. In these cases, it might be the lack of sensitivity.
I recently very firmly told a friend to stop doing something that I dislike and she persisted. It took me awhile to even tell her firmly because it required courage. I knew she wouldn't take well to it. She did it again. I've learnt that when people choose not to respect you, you owe them nothing and while it is not a major loss to her, it impairs the friendship and you owe it to yourself than to put up with it needlessly.
This is not a one-off thing before I decided to speak about it in the hopes of bettering the relationship or at least keeping it status quo but an on-going thing.
Learning to draw boundaries might be painful but it is a responsibility one has towards oneself and important because...sanity is at stake. You can only please so many people and it isn't and shouldn't be one's life purpose. Abusive behaviour has to be cut off for both parties' sake.
I feel relieved and strangely proud when I stand up for myself. It is so much easier to stand up for other people and neglect thyself but when it is done, you know you're stronger and freer.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Pregnancy for a first-timers-20 weeks!
Pregnancy for a first time mum can be an exhilarating and nervous ride. It is a roller-coaster of emotions and with all the strange stuff going on in your body for the first time, it can no doubt be unsettling and mind-bloggling. At every turn in this ride, I worried and had my heart in my mouth. I often turned to friends who have been pregnant before for advice and thankfully, most of the time, they have gone through similar symptoms and their words undoubtedly assuaged my fears and comforted in my distresses.
That is why, even though I get a lot of bad scares from forums, I still turn to it. Like the old adage goes, "misery needs company" and it just is reassuring to know others have gone through queer, persistent symptoms and survived.
At 20 weeks, most of the puking has stopped even though I'm still suffering from that persistent, annoying cough that disrupts sleep and makes my stomach and chest hurt. Well, now my mentality is as such that I will be even more persistent and outlast it well. I hope it it soon coz it has been 12 days already. It might sound like a fleeting short time but when the tummy is burgeoning and you have a life inside you to protect, it feels dreadfully long. Thankfully, it is showing signs of wearing out.
Other than that, I have been progressing along normally. I have reached the half way mark but it still feels like a long way more to go. I pray that the rest of the journey will be smooth and uneventful. We've had a lot to deal with already and my heart needs to take a break from all the excitement. It all came, fast and furious and caught us unaware.
I am having my 20 week anatomy scan this saturday and I'm so excited and nervous I don't know how I'm going to sleep on friday. Praying all goes well and we receive plenty of good news to fire up adrenaline that can keep me going and distract me from discomfort!
That is why, even though I get a lot of bad scares from forums, I still turn to it. Like the old adage goes, "misery needs company" and it just is reassuring to know others have gone through queer, persistent symptoms and survived.
At 20 weeks, most of the puking has stopped even though I'm still suffering from that persistent, annoying cough that disrupts sleep and makes my stomach and chest hurt. Well, now my mentality is as such that I will be even more persistent and outlast it well. I hope it it soon coz it has been 12 days already. It might sound like a fleeting short time but when the tummy is burgeoning and you have a life inside you to protect, it feels dreadfully long. Thankfully, it is showing signs of wearing out.
Other than that, I have been progressing along normally. I have reached the half way mark but it still feels like a long way more to go. I pray that the rest of the journey will be smooth and uneventful. We've had a lot to deal with already and my heart needs to take a break from all the excitement. It all came, fast and furious and caught us unaware.
I am having my 20 week anatomy scan this saturday and I'm so excited and nervous I don't know how I'm going to sleep on friday. Praying all goes well and we receive plenty of good news to fire up adrenaline that can keep me going and distract me from discomfort!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Anxiety and pregnancy
I've always had problems dealing with anxiety but the problem has been dealt with, for quite sometime now...or so I thought.
It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.
It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.
While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.
To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.
Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.
One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.
Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.
I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.
It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.
It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.
While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.
To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.
Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.
One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.
Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.
I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
So I tried to fight the flu naturally
With extra doses of vitamin C, anti inflammatory food like ginger and just rest.
It didn't work.
A few days ago, I woke up after only two hours of sleep with intense pain. I've been averaging only two-three hours because of the pain and that day, it was exacerbated by nausea. Feeling extremely faint and weak, I went to the bathroom in an attempt to clear the phlegm from my throat and sinuses and out came blood from my nose. My first nosebleed in 30 years. It was 5 am and I had to wait another 4 hours in faint before I next saw a doctor.
I had scary thoughts racing through my head such as: what if I faint alone at home etc..
At 9.20 am, I was at the doctor. I was already running a fever, throwing.up almost anything I ingest, including water and in sheer pain.
I was in deep agony.
To cut the long story short, I was put on a long course of anti biotics and while the sore throat abated and allows 5 hours of sleep now, the cough still persists stubbornly.
I'm not sure if I'm getting better and am plagued with worry. There's still a lot of phlegm and the cough disrupts my sleep. If it's even possible, I think I lost weight too.
Ironically, I'm almost at the halfway mark of this pregnancy marathon and while some of my peers celebrate that it all went by in a"blink of an eye", I wonder how I survived and pray for strength to last the rest of the journey.
I'm extremely exhausted and am downright tired. It feels like forever more and I am not feeling brave or particularly optimistic. My mood seems to have taken a nose dive with the lack of rest and illness I honestly want nothing but for time to pass and a healthy strong baby.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
19 weeks
Another milestone I'm thankful for.
Unfortunately, I'm down with a miserable cold and the symptoms are exacerbated when I can't be medicated. Rest is almost elusive and I've found myself worrying about whether in resting or eating enough. Weight gain is still non existent and negative I'm tempted to wonder if there's anything wrong with the scale.
Despite all, I'm now almost at the halfway mark and it's a series of miracles I made it so far. I marvel at the miracle of life everyday and am awed by His faithfulness and goodness towards me.
Yes, there's a lot of discomfort and suffering especially since I'm sick and I can't claim to have done so without complaining or do it with grace and dignity.
But I'm learning to press on, celebrate the joy that is growing within me and dream with God in the midst of uncertainties.
I can't wait to see you my child.
Looking forward to the scan which is the closest I have to seeing him.
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