We need to get out.

Sunday nights are the best time to write. I am the most coherent and my mind is usually clear.

Right now, I'm semi dreading tomorrow. I haven't had monday blues in many months now and now, it's three weeks in a row. 

Isaac and I really want to leave singapore. It's weird because many of my friends overseas are really flocking to singapore. I love them to bits and are happy that we are all finally in the same place but the high cost of living and the lack of time because we are all so caught up in the daily grind makes it so hard.

We are already hatching plans and exploring alternatives. Nothing is cast in stone and honestly it would be another good three years or so before anything even remotely takes fruition. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have no strong links to this place I was born in anymore. The feelings of patriotism has diluted over the years as I witness its evolvement into an unfeeling colourful city with so little personality.

Perhaps the DNA of our forefathers are kicking in. Those that prompted them to leave their hometowns in China to seek better pastures. Without those moves of theirs, bold and courageous, we wouldn't be here today. Likewise, things have gotten so difficult and claustrophobic that I sometimes feel like I need to hop onto the next plane and just.get.out.

I marvel at how cheap things are online and how the price disparity is and yet, I run a retail business. Rents are soaring at an unreasonable indigestible rate because of both macro and what I call, greed factors. I can totally understand why only the big survive and how the small ones fall flat without even finishing their first try. It is a merciless city.

Isaac remarked today that both sides of my family are from malaysia while his is of a purer bred singaporean peranakan roots. He thinks it might explain why I'm more tenancious. Our neighbouring country was never known for its chinese-friendly policies and we had to fight tooth and nail for survival. Then, we earn enough money to send our offsprings to faraway lands like australia, UK, US and some, singapore because despite the amount of wealth amassed there over decades, it can disappear in an instant because of policies that are not in favour.

Now, I'm treading really dangerous waters here and I should probably stop.

I have no intention of making this blog famous and have a viewership of more than a handful. 

Bottom line: we need to get out.

Life takes a dive

K, my ex colleague turned friend has been such a pillar of support in my life I am so thankful she's in Sg to walk me through this season. We are 250m away at work and we used to be oceans away. I don't know when and how we grew that close but now, she's offering me her couch and plenty of ice cream and the shoulder to cry on.

I didn't realize I could be so clingy with friends. 

collateral damage

Yet again.


This is my second time being collateral damage in a political office struggle which has led to me first being upset, then thrilled at a sudden avalanche of expensive and seemingly opportune opportunies within the same conglomerate and even with a certain previously way-out-of-my-league corporate adventure.

Then I decided to just stay and yes, serve my new boss. Because that's what I think God wants me to. Because what I started, I want to finish. Because I didn't think that there would be so many coincidences that she was my first boss in beauty and 10 years later, I am right under her nose under her charge. Despite what many has said about her and reputation, I find myself heaving a huge sigh of relief.

But there's still a tussle and although I don't want to choose sides and really just sit and do my work (or in some cases, roll up my sleeves) I seem to be the pawn in this corporate tug of war. I am wholly submitting myself unto God to be my protector, provider and in all circumstances, for His glory to prevail. I am praying for obedience to His will, guidance and discernment. God alone h=knows how badly I need them.

Which is why I am going to say "no" to what was handed on me on a silver platter. The opportunity of what some would call....a few lifetimes. To manage key functions for 7 territories. That was a rather instant promotion but because of the travelling entailed and because of what-I-think-I-heard from God, I am staying put. Even if forces try to get rid of me.

My whole world is turned upside down and I find myself dragging my feet to work for the first time in very long because I dread the politics. I still have very nice colleagues but everyone's on the edge and morale is at an all time low. My world is so upside down but somehow, I feel like I'm at peace and more joyful. Strangely but weirdly. I also indulge more in buying my own make-up than just receiving and feeling obliged to use what might not suit me on my face. I am going back to my beauty favourites instead and re-discovering. Sephora has awarded me golden awards too many times in my respite from depression by drowning in make-up with discounts I am almost embarrassed.

I am also having more breakouts and fatigued skin because of the heightened stress and lack of sleep.
My husband, which used to have to stick to a strict anti-acne regime (prescribed by me) can now go for days without a moisturiser while I find myself using his mattifiers, toners and ANTI-ACNE (horror of horrors!) stuff that I bought to salvage his then skin woes.

The tables have been turned.

But life goes on.

Episode 235425

It is back.

And with a vengeance.

I didn't want to crawl out of bed despite being wide awake. I talk incessantly in my sleep and try to shout myself out of slumber but to no avail. The endless headaches, the laboured breathing and...the pain in my heart. They are mere symptoms of depression with anxiety related conditions.

I'm trying to cope with this the best I can but I struggle even to eat and do simple things like shower. Yikes I know but I'm just being awfully honest here.

Depression is the flu of the soul that sometimes can feel worse than death itself.

It is akin to cancer than threatens to relapse even when things are dandy.

There is no known cure for it at the present, making it a cousin of HIV.

It leaves the sufferer incarcerated in her own body to suffer alone, unable to verbalize the pain inside.

It is not a weakness as God knows how many a great men have fallen prey to this foreboding sickness but an affliction. It strikes when no one is looking, a sneaky enemy in stealth and no exact aim.

Since the battle is on, I'll wage war. The odds are stacked against me but we've won before so ...maybe we'll win again.

I forgot

So here's the reminder.

I serve as unto Him so He is my boss and my rewarder. In fact, my exceedingly great reward. 

Give me fresh strength and drive for work tomorrow. 

Spending ban

The husband berated me today for my excessive spending and it's one of the few times I can't say that he is wrong.


My spending has been out of control because my stress levels have been out of control. I need "spending anonymous" to help me and I need to somehow alleviate my stress levels too.

:( Woe.

God will make a way

One of the first songs I learnt how to sing was "God will make a way" by Don Moen when I started out as a young Christian in MGS, my alma mater.

Tonight I find myself unconciously singing in unintended worship knowing that He has always made a way. In the scorching, seemingly endless dessert out of Egypt for the throne of Israel to my pits in corporate hell, He always made a way. Through my throes of depression and darkness, He always made a way.

God will make a way 
Where there seems to be no way 
He works in ways we cannot see 
He will make a way for me 
He will be my guide 
Hold me closely to His side 
With love and strength 
For each new day 
He will make a way 
He will make a way 

By a roadway in the wilderness 
He'll lead me 
And rivers in the desert will I see 
Heaven and earth will fade 
But His Word will still remain 
He will do something new today

Buying trends-watermelon anything.

Do you know that women reportedly bought more lipsticks during recessions and periods of financial and personal depression? It's the way of comforting themselves and feeling just that little bit of empowerment that they can still afford something when things are sliding south.

I am one of them.

I bought five. And only because of what they're named. Anyone who knows me for five minutes know that I have a weakness for watermelon. It is my all time favourite fruit. So when a lipstick that says 'fizzy watermelon', "watermelon' or anything that suggests it combines my favourite fruit and must-have make-up essential, I GRAB and run for the cashier.

Then I don't know if my clones are trying to take over my hemisphere but it is out of stock.

So I don't know what to do. I don't feel comforted or empowered. I just need a lipstick that says watermelon and tastes like watermelon. Or I can go get an actual watermelon.