Sunday, June 30, 2013

My spot of heaven on earth-FOUND.

The blue-er skies misled me to believe that it was safe to venture out.

Despite the improvement in air quality, it apparently was not Xinying-proof yet. As a result of going out, I am now paying the price with laboured breathing, rapid heart palpitations and cough. My throat seems lined with phlegm and medication has proved futile.

It is difficult to talk when asthma hits. I can barely gesticulate for help and garner any attention. I have witnessed three people suffer from lung cancer. One died in front of me and to imagine how much worse their suffering must be as they struggle for breath in their severely weakened state is horrifying.

Strangely, as I try to ride out this momentary trial, the lyrics of an old song keep coming to mind.
"Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go..."
I've forgotten what most of my dreams were. A lot of them have also been "revised" as life matured me. One remained. That I grow old and well with Isaac. I am so thankful for him, especially in this last 6 months. This july, we would have been together a full decade. A whole decade of emotional upheavals.

Now that I'm older, I no longer dream and yearn so much about travelling the world unless it is with Isaac. My idea of heaven on earth is now whereever he is and I don't want to be separated by distance and timezones anymore. Well, I will not dismiss the possibility of taking my solo journeys to HK for shopping because it is a complete bore to him and I usually have to compensate by feeding incessantly but generally, yep, that's it. Heaven is where your loved ones are and I'm so glad I've found my spot of heaven here on earth. It's such a blessing.

I hope the job interview turns out well. For now, it seems perfect. The JD fits me to a T and for once, it doesn't require ANY travel (except a 40 minute commute every morning) and the industry screams my name. I'm up against strong candidates and can only pray.

God, I know you heard me the first time but since I can't really verbalize my prayers in this asthmatic condition, please let everything go smoothly for the interview. Grant me loads of favour and wisdom to impress and secure the job. Secure the best terms for me please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Debunked myth

Depression is not a barometer of my relationship with God. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

What the haze brought out

This week, my tiny country was plunged into a state of crisis as the PSI soared to over 400. the whole country was engulfed in ash from Indonesia's slash and burn efforts, a traditional method of clearing forest for farming.

What resulted was a whole host of problems for us. Barring expected problems like respiratory difficulties and of course, no visibility, it was said that this episode set our economy back by $1.3 billion. Somehow, being Singaporean, when it's measured in dollars and cents, it really presents a clearer picture of how bad it really was.

For me, with my less than stellar wind-pipes and lungs, I struggled with breathing on the day the PSI dipped. This was very ironic and truly a terrifying episode. For a moment, I was not sure if I was going to die by asphyxiation or heart attack as my heart raced to send oxygen to the oxygen-starved parts of my anatomy (which really was everywhere). I had trouble breathing in my N95 mask too which, while insulating me against the assaults of toxic micro air particles, denied me oxygen as well. It was a tricky catch-22 situation.

During that moment of vulnerability, my thoughts really went out to those who had no air conditioning in their homes, had no refuge from the haze and worse, with worse health problems and had to soldier on working. Unlike neighbouring countries, including the culprit itself, no stop-work order was issued despite these hazardous levels. I cannot imagine how much worse they must have it. The population plunged into hysteria and panic and N95 masks were snapped up and hoarded. It brought out the worst and best in people. On one hand there were profiteering and enterprising individuals who hawkered the masks for exorbitant prices when supply was low and demand, at an all time high. This was truly dismal as to see humanity so depraved and selfish.

The silver lining however was that many also stepped out to offer their homes with air purifiers to strangers. Some even used their own business/personal resources to fly in special supplies of masks and individually give them out for free to those in need. I am so proud of my fellow country-men when I read of such reports and they truly deserve commendation. They resurrect a glimmer of hope for mankind and warm my heart. They truly inspire me.

The worst is not said to be over although we have a brief respite. However, the air quality in nearby johor is said to be worse than what we had which, in my opinion is already unbearable. Seeing that Singapore pretty much snapped up the world's supply of N95, I really don't know how they are going to cope. I pray for a miracle and comfort for those affected and for the haze to be gone.

This whole crisis was conceived because of greed and though it sparked off more avarice in people, light also shone out of this (hazy) darkness. Many innocents suffered and I hope for more relief, especially for the sick and poor. It also taught me to treasure the days I have, whether I have what I desire, whether I have a job or a child. My beautiful house, my air conditioning and my husband. All preciousness deposited from God. I hope my purpose will be more defined and that I will learn to bless others too, beyond my existing capacity of seeming nothingness.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Silver lining in the gloom

The PSI shot up to an unprecedented high of 321 some hours ago. Who would have thought? Suddenly the notion of living in HK doesn't seem all too bad. Our problems are similar and finally, our air quality is surpassing theirs in terms of inferiority.

Nonetheless, in spite of it all, I'm thankful for my air conditioner. I cannot imagine the plight of those without. I've had asthma since childhood and breathing in ash can't be good for any healthy lung, much less a deficient one.

I'm thankful I have a warm comfortable bed to snuggle up in with the person I love most.

There's still so much to be grateful for despite the gloom.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Possibly the saddest words ever said

Daddy

For years and years I've sought your understanding and your love but it was almost always met with indifference and a harsh word, if not a violent smack.

Now you say you'll love me, always. I hate to inform you that I've grown accustomed without your love. I've learnt to live without your love like one would live without water to survive. I'm not doing well but I made it thus far. It's been a long treacherous journey and suddenly, now that your love is suddenly available, I don't know what to do with it. I am thankful but there's no hole left to fill. To put it crudely, maybe I don't need what you can give anymore. You missed the boat. I'm no longer that little girl pining and yearning. I'm almost a 30 year old. Broken and amassed a heap of broken and unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.

No one has taught me how to be me in a big scary world. To be true to myself. To endure, to fight. No one will teach me how to parent my child the best way possible when my turn comes. I have no predecessors to emulate after.

I appreciate that your love came. Better late than never I say but now, I don't know where to shelve it or what to do with it.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Prayer request

-That God fill me with joy and peace
-Assurance of His love
-Hope that hopes against hope.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Depression

The moods have been getting darker like cumulonimbus clouds fogging my mind and perspective. I can barely breathe shrouded in this thickness.

Before all this happened, the demise of hope took place. My hope slowly eroded away insidiously without my knowledge. Before I could do anything to save the last vestiges of it, it has already gone too far down under.

Isaac now wants me to go back on medication. I acknowledge the merits it brings-the clarity in my mind to process thoughts and think objectively, thereby setting the engines of healing into motion. BUT I remember how painful the cold-turkey treatment and side effects were and the thought of having to be on life-long medication without chance of respite puts me off so badly. There are always two sides of a coin. If the argument that it is really a physiological, physical chemical imbalance triggered by circumstances, then like illnesses like diabetes, I would have to be on life long medication to mitigate the symptoms. This would imply that my life would be so severely limited by the walls depression has closed in on me. If otherwise it can be resolved after a short period of medication to get me on track to my life, my true self, then it will well be worth it. Unfortunately, I have been through these so many rounds before to truly hold hope that this is temporary and surmountable.

With each round, it gets harder, not easier. If I survive this round, I would really love to go on and just be there for fellow sufferers. There is no easy way out, no band-it for a wound of this magnitude and the only solace when you can't even hear God is really a friend whom you can trust. Just to be there. Even if there are no words left to say.



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Depression

Depression is a strange thing. It doesn't qualify as a physical ailment but a mental illness which brings along with it so many unsavory connotations. I won't go into that now.

It clogs and fogs up my mind. Contrary to popular belief, I do not feel down all the time. At times, I just feel numb and there's literally nothing in my mind.

I also lose a lot of my memory when I usually have the memory of an elephant.

It's terrible.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

A song dedication from above

  你的心情总在飞,什么事都想去追
  想抓住一点安慰,
  你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊
  你最害怕孤单的滋味
  你的心那么脆,一碰就会碎
  经不起一点风吹
  你的身边总是要许多人陪
  你最害怕每天的天黑
  但是天总会黑,人总要离别
  谁也不能永远陪谁
  而孤单的滋味,谁都要面对
  不只是你我 会感觉到疲惫
  
  当你孤单你会想起谁
  你想不想找个人来陪
 
  你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会
  让我再陪你走一回

Ashes of a broken life

After the last post, everything spiralled downhill pretty fast.

Nothing drastic in particular happen and most of it is as they would say "in my mind". I battled thoughts that weighed heavier than titanic and sunk me down to the lowest depths of a dark abyss. It's not an unfamiliar place and I've been there before but no matter how much of a war veteran I've been, I will never get used to the sickening feeling of helplessness and confusion. My mind fogs up and there is no reprieve. The most I could do is to stay as still as possible physically and stare at the ceiling, allowing my mind to go into a complete blank.

Yesterday in particular was extremely traumatic. I still shudder at the nightmare that it was. Needless to say, it distressed more than just me and affected my family members as well. For that, I feel extremely bad to have to have them worry so much about me.

I'm not much better yet and my faith/hope isn't altogether restored but I am starting to tell myself repeatedly that it's ok to be where I am now. I never believed in this repetitive self-talk business but it's my last resort. It is ok specifically to be a homemaker with no kids. I am not less of a person and not a loafer. It is ok to be not perfect. Cut yourself some slack.

In the meantime, forgive me if I have to be a hermit. I can barely deal with myself now and as irony would have it, I suddenly have a tsunami of social engagements to attend, almost all which cause me great stress with the inevitability of questions arising such as "what are you doing now?" and "I haven't seen you in a long time. How are you?". I do not have any answers for these questions and I am afraid that I might not even be able to remember who even asked. Faces are just faces now and mean absolutely nothing to me.

Until I sort out these questions pertaining to my self-worth myself, I am adopting an isolationist policy and only permitting myself to meet my most trusted close circle. In any case, if I have learnt anything at all, people can be the worst poison and really impede my healing process. While I know it cannot possibly be healthy long-term to be a hermit, I am just not ready for human beings.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Wherefore art thou Job?

On a separate note, another job called me up again. This would be the seventh unsolicited one this season. Again, it led to nought.

Now there are three left in the running that I really want. They pay a lot less (at least 50%) but I want them so much. They offer some sort of challenge and yet provide good hours and a decent environment (read: cheap labour).

But it looks way out of reach. Firstly, I've not had much experience in admin. Secondly, not much talent. Thirdly, I still don't know how to answer the perennial question "why are you willing to take such a pay cut" without sounding like I have no ambition, am not up for any challenge and just want ANY JOB that complements my husband's job.


Life as it is now

Waiting is so hard.

But the theme of waiting runs throughout the bible and is documented well in all the patriarchs of old. It is arduous, trying and sometimes sheer painful as doubts assail and confusion looms. For me, it often causes me to think retrospectively in detail as I doubt whether I heard God right, made the right decisions etc and of course, there's the age old temptation to craft my own solutions and to help God move along or speed up. I disrespect his timeline, thinks that He has forgotten me and of course, as history has evidenced, often create more problems than before.

Which is why even though I have no job and no bun in the oven, I'm doing everything I can by crucifying this impatient, faithless monster that lives in me. Biting my nails, tongue anything to keep the monster within from rearing its ugly head.

It is extremely difficult and I've never done well for tests like these. I am impatient by nature and my lack of childhood discipline did little to curb it. Some days, dark clouds of gloom loom over my thoughts and literally weigh me down the throes of depression. Thankfully, I have the support of prayers from my husband and as a veteran of depression, I'm better equipped now to fend off the feelings of hopelessness.

I really don't know how long this season will last or how long I will last in this season. Hopefully, I outlast it and emerge victorious as I trust God and win the waiting game. Hopefully , hope will return and my heart will swell with faith again and the fiery arrows of doubt will be quenched as I grow in Him.

I pray that God teaches me to cherish the season, strange as it sounds, prayerfully read and grow in Him, use my time wisely and improve my homemaking skills (lotsa yummy home cooked food to bless the bodies).