Life 2001-2011

My diverse diciplines: psychology to history to retail. Insanity in people, insanity through time and how insanity drives the economy.

Missing: joy

I don't have enough endorphins coursing through me and it is making me so frustrated.

There seems to be sone latent pent up anger and stress and nothing excites me anymore. I don't feel like eating or doing anything yet neither can I rest and sleep in on a non work day. Where did my joy go?

I am not really up for meeting anyone yet I yearn to sit with my closest buds and laugh about something (anything). But there's not much to laugh about anymore with everyone just as stressed and tired.

Where's my joy?? Need it now.

When was the last time

I laughed so hard my stomach was in stitches and my eyes were in tears?

I felt 100% safe to be myself

I felt truly relaxed

I wasn't fretting

I didn't try to outperform myself and in the process fall clumsily flat on my face

I spoke to my grandmother

I was ok with meeting new people and didn't feel like they were intruders trying to invade my little insulated safe atmosphere

Too long ago.

Sundays with Jesus and co.

Everytime I feel an onset of a headache, I start getting nervous and irritable. It takes everything within me to suppress the uprising of pain and irritability. This gets me quite down and discouraged very often these days because it affects my functionality and I wonder when I can truly soar.

Church today was nothing short of awesome. I wished I'd heard a sermon like that earlier and it really felt like God was speaking to me through Simon. One of those moments whereby the anointing was strong and inspite of the headache, I really wanted to press on to focus my attention past the pain and discomfort to get what God wants me to hear.

Tarryn also nearly 'lost' Tyra today who was actually with us during service but lying so low on the chair her mom missed her. That sent Tarryn into some kind of nervous frenzy and after 15 minutes of searching, she was nearly in tears. When she eventually found Tyra, the look of sheer relief in her eyes were unmistakable and she hugged and kissed her. Upon seeing that, I almost felt God speak to me about how He felt when I came back to Him after His relentless pursuit and search. I caught a glimpse of my value in His eyes and felt hot tears streaming down my powdered cheeks, streaking them. This was a direct answer to my prayers the night before because I was just imploring for Him to show me His love that casts out all fear. I knew I needed to see my value and know that He is not negligent nor ignorant of what I'm facing, however trivial they might seem to be. At that revelation, I felt peace flood through my heart and that gave me enough grace to tide through the rest of the day despite the physical ailments (which I am still praying to be rid off). I also finally understood why He said that He won't allow anyone to ''pluck them (us) out of His hands'' and what He meant by ''the joy set before Him'' when He endured the cross. He would rather endure the agony and pain, most heartbreaking of which is our adamant persistent denial of Him than to lose the chance to be separated from us forever. Even the cross was considered joy because it provided the promise of many being reconciled back to Him. At that, it was like returning to Christianity 1101, precious truths so simple and fundamental to the Christian faith but utterly diluted by lesser things and pushed back to the backbench of Christian teaching simply because we decided to pursue loftier intellectual theologies that really, no one quite understands.

Lunch today with the homegroup took on a sombre tone. Noticed that many weren't their usual selves and were somewhat quiet and the heavy burdens they were carrying were evidently taking a toll on them. I felt sad and helpless as I wasn't in the best shape myself while trying to nurse the headache. What really is happening to everyone? Everyone seems to be saddled with one affliction or the other. In comparison, my life seems almost like a fairy tale and I felt troubled for my friends. I am praying that God works out His deep character in all of us amidst the trials and tribulations and help us to see His heart and purpose in the midst of confusion and fear. I pray that we only grow closer to Him as a result and that we will not break under the pressure. The tide against the church is really ferocious and we are only weak little lambs but thanks be to God, we have a strong and mighty Saviour in Him that we can rely on and take refuge in. That I greatly delight and rejoice.

kgjasldsggahino

When I'm approaching the end of a book I enjoy, I feel a mini sense of panic and loss.

1) I'm getting really attached to the characters. (sometimes I feel like I know them personally.)

2)Now I have to go hunting for another book to bury myself in.

3)I'm weird this way.

I flip open the newspapers to find myself inundated with bad bad and worser news. The prognosis for the cancer of the financial markets are not good at all and it is spreading like wildfire. America down, Europe down...what next for Asia? I think about the jobs that are axed and lives that are affected. Look at London, the moral malaise and here we are encapsulated in SG pretending all is still dandy. It can be us. Anytime. And I wonder what this spells next.

Realized I don't really like me that much. And it's really hard because I cannot not live without me. I appreciate the person that I was before more, albeit somewhat occasionally fatuous and impetuous, clumsy and plain uncool. Although my convictions were not always right, I respect the fact that I stood unwavering by them. I was bolder and so much excited me. These days, I'm placid, calmer but really still a wuss. Nothing excites me I'm as alive as a dead fish.

I'm still stricken with stomach problems but it has since abated somewhat. I still look 3 months pregnant , thanks to the colic and hyperacidity but generally the worst is over and I'm thankful to have survived stomach hell by God's grace and mercy. A few days ago, I even threw a tennis ball at my tummy only to have the ball bounce off in a beautiful trajectory. I never even had such a good hit in my little time playing real tennis. This is something alternative I can consider.

Sometimes I feel my life is such a comedy. Except I'm the only one not laughing.

The I-just-want-to-burst-into-tears post

I can't decide which of this I hate more: the incessant throbbing headache, the stomach ailments or just about everything.

The sum of all the above has resulted in a drastic emotional blow for me. I just want to sit where no one is and weep like it's the end of the world even though I know I just have to wait it out, it'll pass, be patient etc. I do not suffer with class at all and yes, shame on me.

Having had to literally rest, I've been bored out of my mind and yet stressed that I won't have enough physical strength to do all that is required of me. So first things first, clear my social calendar. Many well-meaning people have all chosen the months of july and august to meet up and I've happily obliged not realizing what a strain it is to my physical rest reserves. In fact, there are no reserves left and at that, I want to sit somewhere in a corner and wail again.

I just want to be with my husband now. Maybe a few of my best girlies too. I can't even eat coz my stomach is on it's anti-food rampage. I just want to be loved and be manja and grossly spoilt. I cannot be so super gung-ho and take on the world and suffer with class. (ie. in good nature and without complaining).

I feel alone and scared under the siege of this crazy bug. Then I think about all the times I'm a lousy friend to an innumerable mass of people and then I want to cry again. I look at photos of old and recount the shared memories and wonder if people still remember me. And if so, then for what? If it's for something too stupid, then please get amnesia and forget me. I can be alone!

I ramble on and on but this is really a tiny reflection of what is going on within me-turmoil. A 12 hour migraine does mess up your brain quite a bit and suddenly being able to type on a keyboard and not on some lousy touch-screen iphone is so much a relief I feel like..yes you guessed it, bursting into tears.

It's cathartic to type out all that I feel, messy and incoherent as they may be on a keyboard. POUND POUND POUND furiously. AHH...Therapeautic.

I really want to go away now. Go home. Go somewhere familiar.

Go to hong kong and tell some popo lying out on the streets tonight that I love them. Most importantly, that Jesus loves them.

Singapore turns 46.

Tomorrow is isaac's scope and I can't help but feel a tad nervous.

Suddenly overwhelmed by "what if" thoughts of him dying etc and it terrifies me to no end.

I had a headache marathon that lasted for like 8 hours and running.was thoroughly exhausted and nauseous from it. I think people call this a full blown migraine.

Miserable and missing my husband despite him being just outside in the living room. Just want to hold him forever and never let him go, despite his annoying habits that drove me up the wall at times.

I love Isaac quek. Please be ok.

Agony

Stomach is rioting against me again.

I've had my first full meal in days and my stomach is obviously displeased with it and spewing acid in its vain attempt to annihilate and obliterate all trace of foreign substance (read: food) I've had so much acid reflux the linings of my throat and mouth are all tinged with acid it burns. A little while ago, when there was another surge of acid, I thought I felt it rushed through to my back and caused a burning sensation on my back. Need to verify that with my doctor to see if it's possible of it is psychosomatic.

Now, at 2.16 am, I'm awake with hiccups. This would be fine except that with every hiccup, my stomach churns with pain because of the acid that is running amok trying to colonize my innards and stake their claim. Every slight movement I make is marked with pain I told Isaac it feels like I had a caesarean and the anaesthesia just wore off.

What I forgot

I forgot the power and magic of music. I've been living in a dull self-induced silence and it has turned my world grey. Listening to late night radio( albeit cheesy) has brought me back to times and places long forgotten. I feel like I have a soul again. Clay Aiken, I'm sad you're gay but you Are still the best American Idol to me.

I forgot what it feels like to be on a swing. In the past, all I had to do was finish my homework and I could head for the swing but now, I can't even accord the same yo my future kids. Swings have gone extinct in Singapore and along with it, so much joy and innocence.

Miserable

Been feverish for 3 days now and the temperature officially hovers around 38.5 degrees. My stomach also doesn't agree with the fever meds so I'm plain miserable. Doctor says if fever doesn't go down by day 4 ( tomorrow) I have to get tested for dengue.

I cant complain and am just relieved this didn't occur during one of my work trips.

My fever has also induced certain nightmares that includes fast driving, panic, heart palpitations and heavy perspiration. I am almost scared to fall asleep but this state of being keeps me "comatosed" for like 16 hours a day.

On another note, my heart is off wandering again as we contemplate holiday options. I'm under strict orders to save money from the husband. All is good except that he seems to want me to save ALOT more. Now I'm wondering if the holiday will ever happen or will we just shelve everything or go for a cheap holiday to Hk using my frequent flyer points.

I also look at my calendar and wonder if it's possible. Schedule seems tight all the way till next June except for a huge lull in December. I wonder if that will work...but travel in December is expensive. Decisions decisions.

3 meals in 4 hours

Why do I eat like a hog?
Perhaps I'm one.
:(

I suddenly feel so alone

My head weighs a tonne and every muscle in my back is aching so bad it feels like I walked back from Europe.

I look around me and suddenly realize that people who were once so close in proximity to me are now gone and I feel so alone.

I am still fatigued and probably need another full day of sleep but I just feel so alone.