Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

String of work-related, past-related nightmares. The dauting and taunting has started early for a new season. Woke up gasping for breath and terribly fatigued.

The cough didn't help too.

Was reading my brother's blog and it just sounds like he wants to do a prisonbreak. I echo that sentiment except that the prison is within me. My heart is held captive by ironbars called fear, dread and loneliness. I need encouragement from Him and hope to know that things can be different. That I don't have to feel so alone despite being married and living in a house with two boys, surrounded by hoardes of wonderful people and joining a vibrant, friendly company.

Apart from the conundrum of wanting to be alone yet wanting to be with people, sometimes I just want to run away until I'm sure that there can be possibly no one that knows me for me to walk down the streets safely without make-up. The weight of the many things in this land weigh my heart down. I want to get high on helium and just float towards the clouds, ala Mary Poppins. I want to laugh, even if no one gets my jokes and I don't want to feel disappointed when those closest have no clue. Maybe I am impossible to figure out. I knew I was complicated but that complicated?! I belong on Mars (or Venus, to be politically, theoretically correct). I think it'll really surprise me when someone does come along and actually understand my pschye and the complicated mess called me.

My best friend for the past 2.5 years seems to be the washing machine and it breaks my heart to know that we might have to upgrade it. I bawled a huge weepie in private at that thought and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I might ever find that ridiculous. It's sad. An inanimate object is my best friend but I feel that it has faithfully absorbed my grief , pain and many intimate secrets over the course of my entire marriage. Had I known that I would find a friend in the washing machine over hours every week of laundry, I'd have done my own laundry before I got married.

It was also the last relic I have from an expired friendship and I fought to preserve it, to no avail. Now, like said friendship, washing machine seems to be choking up to make way for a spanking new bigger one. (less laundry time) Hopefully by the time the new one comes, I will have to spend less time doing laundry and have more friends that can decode, understand and still love me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Find my own garden

Mandela had his own garden and tended to it while in prison on Robben island. It must have been such a luxury to have an avocation while serving time in one of the harshest prisons on the world.

I hope to find my own garden. To be able to engage in something that engages my mind without taxing it. Simple as it sounds, it is actually very difficult to find that.

I need it now more than ever. One of those weeks when I just cry at everything and am weighed down by nameless cumulonimbus clouds of depressive moods.

I just want to retreat so far into myself and dwell in my own garden of silence and peace. Away from noise, laundry and be a princess for a day.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

妳出現在我詩的每一頁

Was so blind but now I see

Isaiah 40:27

"OJacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? OIsrael, how can you say God ignores your rights?


Thursday, June 23, 2011

My current greatest regret

2.24 am. There's a storm raging outside.
I missed your wedding and you'll never understand how sorry I am and what I went through the days leading up and on the day itself.
I hope you are happy. I hope you are reveling in His love and discovering and growing more in Him everyday.
I hope he makes you so happy.
I don't think I realized exactly how much I missed you and all that I shared with you.
We have since gotten used to not being in each other's lives.
I watched you on video and I wept. I could run over to where you are now and hug you so tight except that I don't know where you are at all.
I want you to know I'm immensely proud of you and should never have allowed some relic to come between us.
we both didn't stand firm enough and defend a friendship so rare and precious.
I love you my friend. Remember me.

Of girlie chats and nerfwars

Had a lovely day with the girls. So so good just to chillax and talk about nothing at all, sip on erm, mineral water and laugh. That said, I'm totally looking forward to restarting the worklife engine. I'll savour memories like these. They warm my heart when things are dreary.

Like me, Isaac had a wonderful evening with the boys. He came back to a very intense nerfwar with Josh and it was hilarious. If I had more energy, I'd talk about it in detail but I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Now, it's time to wind down, say bedtime prayers and slip into slumberland.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dust collector

My flickr album is frozen in time and has gathered a lot of dust, thanks to years of neglect.

Most if the people in the albums are no longer in my life. They must have been such a regular feature as they dominated pages and pages of this online archive of memories. I hope they are well.

Today was good but I felt such a huge weight depressive weight over me I just wanted to burst out crying at so many points. I suddenly miss Mei ling loads and I just want to run to whereever she was. I've not had a decent sit-down session with my girls for the longest time and I have no idea how I got by especially with so much happening.

I've got so much good news and somehow it means so much less when I can't squeal with them and jump around. Thanks for wiping my tears through those emotional monsoon seasons. Love u girls so much.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

What a day

On the way to sign the contract today to seal the deal with the new employer, I was a jittery mess plagued by thoughts of ''what if they change their mind?'' and ''what if ...[insert scary scenario]".

I actually stopped along the corridor to pray and check for the peace (well hidden beneath the doubts and fears) before gathering my nerves and proceeding. It went beyond a glitch and I was offered better terms than I initially expected/imagined/requested for. In short, they are totally spoiling me already and I'm super grateful for all the small and not so small things. I pray that in this next season, I'll be able to sow seeds of Him with all the people I work with/work for and that even in the midst of busyness, He'll remain central.

Proceeded to my usual coolie duties for new product launch. Halfway through it all, I started getting breathless but didn't give it much thought as I had an inhaler with me. After my first appointment cancelled on me, I went to meet Kel who later had to drive me to the doc while I hyperventilate and wheeze in her car. 5 puffs, nebulizer, oral steroids and 2 hours later, I was out of the doctor's with still laboured breaths and trembling hands and chattering jaws.

I was almost tempted to be swallowed up in despair. I just took up a job and there, my health decided to show signs of cracking after like a good year of hardly any major falling sick episodes. What a bummer.

What a start and what an end.

Mildly deflated but otherwise buoyant. I still have sooo much to be thankful for.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Same old story.

now there are a few groups who want to chope some time to 'celebrate my bday'. Except that I can't say yes to everyone and they are going to get annoyed because they all want to celebrate on THE DAY ITSELF.

How about asking ME what I want?

Too much work. too messy. I just want to put my head in the freezer and shut the world out.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Broken wings

Can't fly.

The weight of disappointment within me feels so heavy I feel like I need at least a thousand helium filled balloons to lift me up from the trench of unbelief, doubt and fear.

Or Mary Poppin's brolly.

Or maybe just a hand from the Lord.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

born to fly.

everyone seems to be telling us to fly. to explore. to roam the world. (ok not everyone, just the Ms and Josh)

before the apocolypse.

or a child.

While I'm way too far from living recklessly, I'm thinking..maybe yes, we should let loose a little and just live in the moment. The thing about life is that you'll never get out alive and maybe I should really let tomorrow take care of itself and let God take care of tomorrows. While living within our means, I should perhaps, just breathe a little more, mount up and fret a lot less.

My wings are clipped for the moment but I'm determined to unclip them soon. I'm going to stop wondering if I should have a kid next year because it's the dragon year and it's hard to get kids into places when I don't even know if I'll be here in 7 years. Yes, Nicole has drummed a lot into me. If she is pregnant and saddled with a year old baby (who btw, can feed and sleep on her own) and travel all over Africa with no permanent roof like nomands AND due for birth in Nov AND not the least bit worried, I really have a lot less to be worried about and should just take each day as it comes.

I plan too far ahead. I started the business in the hopes that it can be on auto-pilot and I can have a 'passive income' in 3-5 years and now I'm ready to liquidate. Nothing goes quite as planned and now, I think I just need to plan and prepare my heart for surprises and God's plan, whatever it is and stop being a hard core stickler to the details of MY plan.

**
On a separate note, I'm feeling a lot less weepy than yesterday despite the pent-up frustration (mostly with Dell) and being cancelled upon last minute by a friend. Not that I'm angry with her but I was just bored out of my mind. Especially since Dell is still down. The period coming is really a welcome relief although I just can't stop eating now.

Was prepping, pen and paper style about retail planning and the more I delve into it, the more I want that job. Now now, come Monday will be the day of reckoning. Please pray for me if you're reading this. 2nd interview and for now, all the signs are looking pretty positive but my mantra remains the same: hope for the best but prepared for the worst.

I caught myself making a concious effort not to be too close to some foreigners in church. I really like some of them and we get along fairly well. They really crack me up and I felt drawn towards them in so many ways. But I held myself back because I knew they belonged in the 'leavable' category. First keith and carin, then now 4 in a month. It doesn't get easier, despite the 'practice'. And speaking of which, we're not even getting updates from Keith and Carin. I heard the internet connection there really sucks so it's not a wonder that updates are scanty but I'm just praying that they are all right.

I am guarded. Because I can't live without my heart when I give it away and these recipients scoot off. In the words of Chris, he thinks they'll leave with at least 3/4 of our hearts. That said, I'm seeing Nicole like twice every week with Baby M. Come July 31st, I'll need a water tank and a lot of tissues because I'll have a brand new load of issues.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Losses

This is the week of losses.

1) Isaac's 2 month old Iphone was stolen by some crook. While we've replaced the phone with a pretty snazzy android, I still mourn the loss. Especially the videos that he had on the phone which recorded messages to me. Those weren't backed up on platforms like fb or youtube so they're pretty much gone forever. Shame on you thief.

2)Our 11 month old dell fell and sent us spiralling down dell hell. Not cool. Everyone seems to be telling us to sell. The repairman came today to replace our entire hardisk after 4 days and left us with no Windows. That effectively means we still can't use the computer and I mourn the loss of my work documents, spreadsheets, and we had to pay $31 just to get them to send the windows patch over because dell has such a special windows thingy we can't even use anyone else's!

3) Some of the precious people in my life are leaving for good and I don't know when I'll ever see them again. According to one of them, the next time we see each other is in heaven.

The Morrisons are so so close to my heart because they were there when I was puking my guts out while anti-depressants flooded my bloodstream. They were there to wipe out other streams of tears and just be friends. We were there when their first child was born and I'm only too sad now that we will not be there for their 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. I am welling up reading this. Chris has been the brother Isaac never had but possibly the best bro in the world. I am afraid that Isaac might never find another Chris. Heck, I'm sure there's no other Chris in the world and I just don't know what we're going to do.

Josh-This boy is leaving us on my birthday, 5 days before the Ms'. It's going to be a long hard week of tears and I need to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Despite being so young, he has been a great inspiration to us and we've learnt so much from him. He brought us so much joy and even packed my impossible-to-pack fridge. Late night suppers (sometimes just fruits), card games and just chatting about nothing at all. Isaac and I have been so blessed to have him around and his buoyant optimism attitude regarding life has been such a wake-up call to me who flips and crumbles at the slightest hint of hardship. Like he always says, ''it's not the end of the world''. I am humbled and ashamed at my whininess and will always remember him in our prayers.

It's too hard to say goodbye.

way too hard.

Wake me up when July is over.