Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm letting go.

For someone who isn't exactly the epitome of cheery, I have a significant bit of lines on my face that suggest otherwise. The crow's feet around my eyes are getting more pronounced. This is slightly ironic as I really don't remember smiling much (sincerely at least) If these were obtained due to my patronizing obligatory smiles and nods....it wouldn't be worth it.

On another note, I'm a lot more 'zen' now regarding the situation. Perhaps God is really stripping me apart layer by layer to expose the idols I've erected to worship in place of Him. Upon examining my own heart, I really can't say that it isn't true and if I were God, no matter how painful, I'd do it too.

I'll take it as a season of detox as He sorts through the deep layers embedded in my heart. In the meantime, I'll learn (hopefully) to fear nothing except Him and to have no other throne in my heart except His.

Uncertainty is the surest certainty but it's the hardest concept to grasp as I crave for stability, predictability and well, certainty. But life is an adventure that I cannot afford to miss. I just hope I'm buckled tightly in His grace and beyond that, let His will be done in my life. I'm letting go.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mule

Stubborness is akin to only listening and agreeing with yourself, dismissing everyone else.
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Boy having fun at science centre

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Uphill trek with no peak in sight

I'm evaluating my options and even though there doesn't seem to be many, it's taking me an awful long time.

What do I want out of this? How do I reach my destination?

It doesn't get easier, this uphill scaling of dreams or in my case, sheer survival.

I think of heroes who have gone before me on this trek and look to them for inspiration. It's been done before and it'll be done again. Hopefully, I'll make it. If not, I'll just tumble down the slopes of grace to a very humble square one.

I don't expect a lot of empathy as 1)everyone seems to be busy with their own lives and 2) my challenges are quite unique. Also, it gets tiring having to repeat the same story only to sink in mild disappointment when you are replied with a gaze of bewilderment or worse, oblivion.

If I could have my way, I'll go for a holiday and walk endlessly just to take in sights and culture. Need a break, for my soul, sanity and all my never-ending obligations. Remember that there are other people who have it worse and are still strong on the inside. Remember that You are still God.

If I could, I'll simplify me.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Mistaken

I am always shocked when I realize that I'm mistaken about people. I've never been naïve enough to 'believe the best' but neither am I overly cynical (I think).

So imagine my disappointment when I made the wrong judgment call again. An ex-friend in the inner circle turned out to be otherwise.

On the contrary, I'm glad I'm not always right in the opposite sense. Found unexpected friendships in unlikely places.

I guess you win some, lose some. That's life.
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5.49 am

So this is how the early morning looks/feels like.

The air is cool and crisp. You can almost smell the unpolluted freshness in every breath. It's still quiet. Savour it while it lasts before traffic comes alive in an hour or so.

I'm sick with explosive sneezes but somehow feeling strangely serene here at this hour. It's so calming and beautiful. Too often have I attempted to speed past life that I have not stopped to smell the flowers along the way. I can almost touch and taste joy and peace in this hour. Strange that these are completely elusive when the rest of the world awakes. They go into hiding like shy ones.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Almost 2011

I can't decide what to feel about the fast depleting 2010.

On one hand, I can't wait for it to end because it's been such a steep uphill climb but on the other hand, who's to guarantee 2011 will be a gentler ascend? Also, I'm a hardcore sentimental weepie so really, it's hard to say goodbye to anything.

But no matter what I feel about 2010, it is heading steadily for 31 Dec and before I know it, the credits will roll and 'Auld Lang Syne' will break out in the streets to remind me that' there, another year gone. another year less on earth' and it forces me to evaluate what I've done with what I have, with what happened etc.

This time, I think I might be less hard on myself because I (finally) realized that no matter what, I'll never be fully contented with what I've done with the year. I'm my harshest critic so it's never enough. Therefore, I'll evaluate a little, maybe weep a little but celebrate for the most part and recount God's goodness and faithfulness.

I wonder if the tables were reversed, what would 2010 say of me?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Reboot please

It could have been a very romantic evening with the gentle cool breeze, a souvenir from the passing showers.

It would almost be perfect to sip hot chamomile/rooibos tea by my window and listen to the 'whish' as the occasional car passes and just let my thoughts wander.

Instead, I'm sitting facing the glare of my monitor and confiding in an imaginary audience, relaying my thoughts on a platform I hope no one reads. This is how it feels to be screaming inside.

Am so lost I'd love to have a 'restart' button to hit. So that I can wipe the slate clean and start again instead of trying to fix what I have. Am so misunderstood I yearn for the one friend that knew me inside out. Where is my advocate when I am silenced by fury?

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Mount Merapi

I'm not happy.

But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.

In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.

And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.

Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.