Youth is wasted on the young.

Today I woke up feeling old.

It's the sense of tiredness, fatigue after you've run a mile long race yet see no end in sight. It's been a hard week at work with many unnecessary 'tribulations' brought about by my new teenage staff. Even as I ponder whether to let two of them go, their problems and pieces serve as a reminder of the pit I was hewn from and cast sobering reminders of the past.

It didn't feel like that long ago when I was their age but standing here today, I feel like I'm light years ahead of them. A small part of me hopes to impart some wisdom garnered over the years of trial and error to them and teach them to appreciate their parents more. But those words have fallen on deaf ears (deja vu) while another part of me, forgetting that their wilful behaviours are part of the curse of youth that I was once plagued with wants to ..torment them with my screaming.

I look back at the years lived before (for the moments I remember) and realize that no matter what, they sum up to the me that I am now. There are foolish decisions that I wished were amputated out of me but they've been inked permanently in the story of my life. I'd wanted to tear those pages out but so what? To appear perfect or to conceal shame? Those will be vain attempts.

My imperfections and weaknesses will serve to remind myself of my frail humanity. That inspite and despite, I have the future to look forward to because God is good. It will also remind me of the redemptive nature of His good work in me that is still ongoing. That I have hope and to cherish the love that is freely given despite being me.

Maybe at 80, I'll wake up one day feeling young. Instead of retirement, I'd be facing refirement and may He keep the light He has placed in me never diminish and burn out especially in this oxygen starved world.

musing from the bullet train of life.

this year flew by fast. Soon, we'll be celebrating our first year anniversary as husband and wife! Praise the Lord for everything He has done for us.

The days ahead leading up to Christmas will be super hectic. Am not expecting much of a social life especially if rest is a priority too. Will try to save dates and time for family and closest friends. If not, we'll see each other again in 2010..in Feb. Will probably be away for a good part of Jan to two countries. And when I'm back, I'll be trying to make sure I'm not swamped clearing backlog.

On another note, this is something more pensive and heavy.

I know I'm not alone in thisbut like many, I've bought the subtle lies that certain things will make me happier. ie. certain people, certain places, certain possessions. Especially the last one when I hang out the shopping capital of SE Asia for a good part of my work week. And they DO make me happier. Just not for very long.

And I've realized I've wasted and invested precious time and effort to make such acquisitions and on such pursuits fueled by a crazed obsessive desire only to have it vanquish 3 seconds after the real acquisition. AND in the process, prayed and let it dominate my prayer life. In essence, God became my cosmic spiritual butler and maid to fetch the thing I wanted that I thought I NEED it to be happier when all this time, the person Himself was beckoning me to find it all in Him. He alone should be my magnificent obsession.

Solomon had all but hailed it emptiness and vanity, not finishing well despite being endowed with the world's best. On the contrary, Paul in his prison cell with nothing except God found it exceedingly joyful.

The irony and mystery of it all.