I need to

know where You're leading
stand at the edge of the ocean and feel small
remember why this is all for
feel you with me in my lonely hours
smile at sweet memories
forget the lemon tinged ones
let the warm rays of the sun wash my face
let the wind sweep my hair
feel the cold
marvel at intricacies of architecture
well up because my heartstrings are tugged
gaze at cute babies
and maybe pinch their fat cheeks
smell them
play with puppies
get zesty about life
smell the roses (not literally, coz i'll sneeze)
sing without a care that i'm way out of pitch
laugh like no one is looking (or guffaw)
gorge on sambal stingray
bury my face in watermelon
drive aimlessly
swim at 2 am
visit italy
sit at the edge at grand canyon and dangle
bounce off the walls
not bother
take 2 months to visit friends in far flung places
visit the forbidden city, tiannanmen
twirl my spaghetti endlessly
watch ice disappear in my drink
build a pokka green tea tap
move singapore away from the equator
smell fruity shampoos
burn fat
wonder
dream
love

Again, I wonder

Despite the very significant progress and breakthroughs, I wonder yet again when will I see the fruition of all I sought to grow. If it was a luscious vineyard I set out to plant and grow, i think the plants would be all up and I'll just be waiting for the grapes to show up. While patience takes its time to mature in the petulance of my being, I find it hard being still, being at ease with me.

I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?

Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.

These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.

I've been so wrong.

Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.

So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.

Because that was really why You created me for.

dear J

Dear Jeremiah

We didn't even get to see your face except through sonograms and ultrascans. Your parents are bitterly grieved right now even as they seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. Now we must all concede that you'll grow up in heaven and that we'll only see you again when we finish our earthly course.

I wish we had a chance to know each other. I was telling your mommy the other day on what to get you and making plans to go shopping in anticipation for your arrival. Now with you gone, all our hopes are dashed. You were even going to be the spokesperson for my new botty balm. I guess babies in heaven don't use botty balms.

I am sad but nothing compares to the grief your parents feel. Nothing that is sad can alleviate their private burden of grief. I don't know what to do and there is no way I can bring you back.

So you'll be incubated in heaven, grow up in heaven and never know misery or suffering. You'll grow up untainted, beautiful and glorious. While we take great comfort in that, we can't help but mourn still. It's inexplicable. You were the fruit and hope of your parents' joy, a testament to their love and now we have to bid you goodbye before saying 'welcome to the family'.

when you learn how to say your first words, read your first letter, remember this one and hug Jesus for us. Greet the hosts of angels who watch over us here below. We trust you are well but we cannot help but ache for the opportunity to have you with us.

Words fail me as I try to think of what to say to you, in the vain hope you'll know, hear or even understand. They say you were just a foetus, a fusion of cells but to us you are so much more. You are Jeremiah and your parents even nicknamed you peanut. You are a person with a destiny with a character, with so much. We were going to pour our love out on you and smother you with affection.

Now, I am at a loss. And so are your parents.

there are so many unanswered questions but i know its not fair to load them on you. i just wish it was plainer, clearer and that there'll be closure. i don't think they'll ever forget you and truly move on. even as they heal, there'll be a scar to remind them of you. Maybe that's how the Lord Jesus is constantly reminded of us-the scars on His hands and feet.

i think about your parents before i sleep and i cannot but cry for them. do you know how much they love you? please ask Jesus to heal them and let them hope again. please ask Jesus to pour down His comfort and grieve with them. we'll wait in anticipation for your future sibilings to arrive even as we struggle to fly again with our broken wings.

till then and till we see you again, remember that down here, on this place we call earth, there are people who love you, very much.