Saturday, November 29, 2008


MSN conversation

angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??

And i wonder why i'm not getting help.

Friday, November 21, 2008

a voice in the wilderness

in the flurry of endless activities, I have found time to sit at His feet and end up semi drowning in my own tears.

my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.

Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.

He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.

I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.

the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?

its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.

i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.

"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"

so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.

today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)

during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.

but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.

i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

certainty in uncertainty

"..only be strong and very courageous.."

i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.

but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.

whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.

through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.

when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.

coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.

1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.

like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.

how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.

and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.

i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.

2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.

recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.

she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.

i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.

i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.

this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.

"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"

-in Christ alone

1.54 pm

yesterday was bad.

i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.

anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.

had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.

they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.

yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.

w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.

it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.

on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':

1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you

i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.

i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"

all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.

even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.

anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.

am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..

we'll see about that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


what do you really say to offer comfort to someone who've lost a child?

I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.

What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.

When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.


How to love?

I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.

If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.

Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.

How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.

Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.

but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.

you just don't write family off.

Friday, November 14, 2008

soldiering on.

it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.

Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.

I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.

so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.

work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.

i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.

i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.

And all that keeps me going. and going.

Thursday, November 06, 2008


on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.

I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.

so i'll just lack the former go.