FBI wannabe

God sends friends to tell us that we are not alone and we can never make it alone.

so as i was wondering how to get through today, i was pleasantly surprised and rejuvenated by lunch sharing session with the colleague/friend. outpouring of words and sweat because it was like 37 degrees.

2 bottles of tea later and for her, 3, we're on a way back to work.

then it was for a store opening and at the party we met loads of familiar faces and learnt that genes can come in a very good pack. like some people can have good voice, good looks (from height to features) and be very rich and still be very nice and down to earth. seriously, this breed is not mythical and if a specimen is required, please let me know.

what happened to six degrees of separation? i think 4 is the new digit. party was ok but ive never been big on this. besides bag was too heavy and it was too hot. could do with more food though. am mildly embarassed by the flower we sent. i expected it to be bigger and better but aiyar, ok i learnt to always refer to catalogue instead of having sales personnel describe FLORAL arrangement to me over the phone.

have had a lot of unglam unflattering photos of thyself posted on facebook recently by friends. incriminating photos of me usually stuffing my face with food were taken during birthday dinner. just hope that none of those sort are caught on camera today. because i thought i remembered seeing a camera flash from the corner of my eye as i was eating lamb chop with my hands and said function.

as colleague/friend reminded me 'company reputation is at stake'. but lamb chop was so good. i was about to put lamb chop down and feel sheepish until i remembered that personal image was already questionable when i sat down beside her. the strong association already diluted whatever 'glamness' left in me.

and i'm still frying my brain with criminal minds and entertaining FBI fantasies. someone get me that ugly windbreaker that has FBI emblazoned in BRIGHT yellow on the behind.

whee!

met up with adelene for dinner at coffee club at raffles place for her to pass me her wedding invite.

and as we were eating we heard this huge PIANGGGG sound. this poor guy walked right into the glass. i thought i found my long-lost twin. i had strange impulses to run up and toast him with my ice water.

but i noted my friend's esteemed down to earth auditor reputation and repressed my desires.

**

so now she's also getting married. which makes her the 5th in our batch. mgs class of 99 is really breakng the mgs trend with so many of us getting hitched relatively early. its like the year of mass marrying.

more to go in the next two few years.

and i think all who got married so early were 'surprises' as we weren't the kinds who always went on dates and all. (ok lah, me at least).

**
there's not much of me to start with today
but you can have it all
before the altar and the cross
12 keys lay
and i wonder who these are for

my next 24 hours
i lay them down before you
have every second
and inhabit them

i'll take the keys
unlock your presents
i won't bury them
like the unprofitable servant
you'd have wanted me to share

it's been a tiring day and i am spent
do not despise my 'widow's mite'
consume it with your holy fire
i know you count this at treasure

remind me please that life is more than this mundane drill
that my first ministry
should be you
sorry i've been a martha
sorry i'm presenting my leftovers
and not my first fruits

that's cain's first crime
i don't want it to be mine
please take the very best
not after i fry my brain with criminal minds.
even if its 5 loaves and 2 fishes
sorrows, worries and cares

You said be still and trust
my eyes tell me i'm gathering dust
tell me again you're on my case
tell me again that it's all by your grace
so i can quell the lies of my flesh
soak up your peace and find rest.

light the night sky with stars
send a fluffy cloud my way
let the moon smile at me tonight
tell me in every possible way
that i am your beloved.

but i guess the best possible way
is to still take me to the cross
to revisit the gruesome sight
where you hung and died

take me to the empty tomb
where you conquered death
fly me across the map
and stop me at heaven
at your throne
so i can jump on your lap

let me ride a unicorn
so i can beat the ERP
i won't have to worry about parking without poles
or if my cashcard has money

i'll be spinning with joy
and float like casper
i'll be dancing on water

till my fantasy ends.

Circumcised

"you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same"

and that gives me courage and strength to accept myself.

**
the past three days have been nothing short of awesome. It's been awhile since i saw, dreamt and heard and had it confirmed. did heaven invade earth or what? the details were so clear,the glory was so strong. the love was so compelling. i cringed, cried, fell while He undid me only to raise me up again. knots were undone within my soul as freedom coursed through my spirit.

my heavenly husband is at hand. as He came, i knew he wanted something from me and i struggled to relinquish my rights to be angry, the wrongs done to me.

I wanted to run out and shout it out. "don't cast your pearls before swine'' and my heart grieved, knowing that they'll trample on them.



I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool'
Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
You needed me
You needed me

--Anne Murray, "you needed me"

observations

bones is my new fascination. save. me from wanting to join FBI.

isit a coincidence the two institutions in trouble now are both initialized as F.M? fannie may and freddie mac. what cute names. now the feds have to rescue them.

i'm not trivializing here. it's serious and we're all in trouble if they go down but its just my humble observation and i think i finally mastered the art of being cool and not lapsing into kancheong spider mode.

whee!

thoughts of the week

this dangerous cocktail of emotions inside me. i want to puke it all out.
i want to stick my head out above the water to breathe. to remember, to live.

yesterday was one very happy day. we had the bestest of time together and i returned home feeling so blessed and rich. and we didn't even do anything special, check out any good food. we just..were together. i wish i wouldn't allow distractions and lesser things to cloud my vision of life and judge the quality of the life i now live. because really, it is quite very fantastic. possibly the best its ever been. but yet i struggle with the lamentations, the bad attitudes and habits of the past. worst of all, the occasional bouts of heaviness that just leaves me so weary.

i want to be faithful too. to react with Grace and with Jesus when the heat is turned on. yet, its the stinking flesh that permeates my spirit. i find it inspiring to witness the lives of people who have stayed faithful throughout in the face of severe trials, unquestioningly, determinedly and steadfastly. everyone will transit out of the trial at some point- but with what? with grace or bitterness? hurt or hope?forgiveness or brokenness?

there is more ugliness in me than i thought was possible to inhabit a human spirit. but i take solance and refuge in Jesus. this is all i have and thankfully all i need.

i want to embark on a pilgramage of sorts. to clear the ears and eyes of my soul to gain new perspectives, to hear His whisper in the cool of the day again. and i'm realizing its no longer restricted to going on some personal retreat and isolating myself from everything i've known. this is a luxury i'm denied now but God is still gracious. it's being aware in the everyday of Him, seeing His invisible hand at work and trusting in His promises of old.

it's cliche and has been repeated to death but maybe it's really all that simple.

the cares of this life are many. distractions are plentiful..that steal my heart and soul and time away from the one who loves me the most. i can't cling on to these lesser things, these little deadweights add up and soon, i'm stuck. it's time to cut off these chains and run till i'm soaring again and let the wind take me. its a destiny at stake and i'm not available for compromise.

so many ruined have passed me by. so many who have lived but merely exist today. so many detours and u turns. so hard to stay on the right track. to be who He made me to be.

i love hanging out with people who are real. upfront about who they are, their struggles and pains. to let me know this is not stepford. that i'm not alone. i love it more when i see them triumph, in a world that is hostile to righteousness and justice and repels the name of Jesus. i love it. that even in deep persecutions, their glory remains unabated and sometimes, it's like i can just see the beautiful crown set aside for them at the end of their race.

and i want to be numbered among them.

5th duckobell

yay! we hit the 5th year and this is the last duckobell we're celebrating whereby we have to say goodbye at the end of the eveningand head home separately.

so this year we decided to do something different (and very low budget). not fancy dinners at ritz, no fancy presents (ok, that's not new) etc. we decided to take a trip back down memory lane and relive what happened on the very first duckobell day, 5 years ago.

so after work we headed for dinner at wherewe had our first unromantic date: far eastplaza and ate at the same eatery but different table and more dishes this time. it is the green signboard new station 'restaurant' and we had zi char. back then, we were poor hungry students and couldn't afford to order much. it would have been romantic if we even shared the same bowl o claypot rice but of coz that didnt happen because no 1) we werent that poor and no 2) we were xinying and isaac and we just don't share food.

so we ate heartily and i'm glad to say that 5 years from that very first 'date', isaac didnt pick his teeth infront of me. so that was good.

after that, we headed to wisma which would always have a special placeinour hearts coz thats where we really really began, outside the toilet. there he first asked me 'err so are you my gf'. this is by now infamous coz i in my flabbergasted state back then told everyone that i found the most unromantic guy in the world and yet fell in love with him.

so this time, he asked me the same question but the correct answer is 'no', as opposed to back then's 'HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS KIND OF QUESTION?!". because i'll be his wife in 5 mths!

so anyways, the long in short is that we had a great time eating , reminiscing and thanking God for his faithfulness because we so nearly didnt make it.

so there, thank you dear Father. for duckobell . for your goodness. for your faithfulness. for each other. MUAH.

**
looking in the mirror...
me: urgh. i'm so not cool. so unglam. and smelly (From the food fumes at far east).
him: it's ok. coz if you were cool, we won't be compatible.

good point.

**
walking past bang and olufsen...we decided it sounded like a car accident.

BANG! O! Lu Sen (the seatbelt!)

Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.