Clay Aiken-Everything i have

The thing about this song is that it doesn't profess vain love with vain grandiose promises but a simple faith that whatever is available is yours.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest
I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with youI know there's angels by your side

crossing over

2007 attests greatly to His faithfulness. but i'm ready to bid it farewell.

i didn't think i'd have survived it.

2008 will bear fruition to all the prayers sowed in 2007, testifying to His eternal goodness and faithfulness.

Faithfulness now takes on a new dimension to me. In the past, it has to be the result of constant breakthroughs as and when i wanted them, according to MY timing. today, faithfulness is an undying devotion to me inspite of me. Faithfulness is standing by me, not forsaking me and proving Himself true to me. and i finally learnt that the breakthroughs are only but a by-product and not the epitome of faithfulness.

and i learnt to bide His time, discern His seasons appointed for my life. and that no vain effort of mine shall prevail against His when i live in complete surrender. i can confess and proclaim all i want but if its not time, its not time. and He knows best when to bring about the plans to fruition. I can plan all i want but it'll all be in futility. the best course of action that i've since learnt is to throw it all into His hands and live with all abandon in pure undiluted trust.

i've found myself at places with people that didn't seem right and resisted it with all my might only to realize it is His will and there was a purpose to be accomplished, something good for me to uncover, a special reward from Him awaiting. have been so deceived by what I see i nearly missed out on His plans for me.

i'm ready for 2008. i'm not hiding under my bed this time but i'll be ushering the new year in with my arms raised in thanksgiving and praise. it's been often said that we should count our blessings. i can't do that when i'm enraptured by Him and enveloped in the essence of Him.

i don't know what 2008 spells. for the world, for me. and the only confidence i have is that He'll be there with me and isaac. and that's enough for us.

who remembers this?vitamin C- graduation song (friends forever)

I don't know why this is here. please don't shoot me especially for those of you who are age-sensitive. it's funny and cute and it got me smiling (yes, to myself)


it's almost 2008. listen to this and go back to 1999 for awhile and reflect abit. laugh and have a happy new year!

Here are the lyrics:

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

(*GAH IT'S NEXT YEAR)
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

Chorus:
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?

*(Re: fortune cookie joke)
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

*Repeat chorus*

La, la, la, la; yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, we will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

merry christmas

the parallels are so uncanny. life has a way of being unoriginal and replaying part of yesterday's scripts in today's scene.

i despise that. i want a fresh new reason to know why inspite of the different factors, the outcome is still the same. i don't want a recycled jumble of excuses to spell my verdict. i'm more than that and i've refuted the same reasons before.

it's finally christmas. christmas this year must be the hardest to reach ever. usually it just flies by and plops me there on christmas morning. this year, i trudged through mountains and crossed plains to reach here only to realise that when you take out of Christmas, which i did because i was so caught up with everything else, that it is really an empty meaningless excuse to be home.

i feel like my heart is worn out by weariness and i marvel at how i'm still here. my soul is so shredded by setbacks and empty words that i'm just ready to collapse and once again, take the first flight out at the earliest notice.

i'm tempted to blame me again but today i see another side of the picture. that not everything is about me, even the problems. and strangely inspite of the problems and the lack of resolution, i feel a deep relief that is just exhilarating. like i've been set free from an inner prison.

entertaining random thoughts to go and be God's lone-ranger warrior princess. the only claim i have to this island is now all but a pink identity card. a faded card. my ties are cut so loose i'm ready to fly. i'm all for flying but only with the purpose of finding somewhere to call home, take root and settle. not fly around aimlessly. i want meaning. i don't want this going around in circles of head any step more in this journey to nowhere. i want a destination. life might be about enjoying the journey but i need more than a pitstop. and if i can't find my way home, i want to make a home.

and home should be where i'm appreciated, celebrated and welcomed. i have a vague idea of what that is. i've had it.

21st december

21st december
this day holds a lot to me. nothing special or spectacular but many years ago, i decided that the sound of 'twenty first' goes well with the sound of 'december' on my tongue and decided to 'adopt' the day .

so, since 2000, i tried to make the day special for me. from planning parties that flopped big time to just having precious 'me' time or 'us' time, i always tried. I also take time to do a yearly inventory check on my life on this day. to me, this is the point in the roller-coaster ride that you hang vicariously on top before you roll downwards at superfast speed and end the ride. The ensuing 11 days before the year ends will fly by and i'll find myself at the start of the queue all over again, waiting to start a new ride.

this year i didn't expect it so spend it like this. for the uninitiated, i've had a week of MC. don't feel sorry for me because good came out of it. although i felt drained and its been said that theres not a hint of color in my face and i was literally gasping for breath, God had me. i was God's captive audience and He had my full attention. whether i was concious /unconcious, i pretty much spent it in bed. a short walk from room to kitchen left me quite breathless. apart from going to the doc's, i haven't been out of the house since sunday. today i tried to get some fresh air and sun..and i returned green in the face.

yes, 21st december. 2007 has brought me to places i've never been and could never imagine being. i don't know how and when exactly it happened but i found myself here and i'm thankful.i know 2008 holds so much more and i'm excited but scared that i'm not ready for it. that it'll be too much for me. i'll need so much more wisdom (from managing my time, relationships, money and health).i'll need to know so much more, learn even more at a faster rate and when the world is in a whirl, i gotta close my eyes and allow myself to be teleported to his heavenly throne to find grace in time of need.

this year, i've taken the plunge from heights i've never ventured and found myself soaring on His wings, taking me further into the sun. i've had my disappointments, pains and by God's grace moved on. i've allowed myself to die manytimes more than any other year, to my own ambitions, my own inhibitions and my own rights.

most of all i confronted the reality that i lived 24 years. and i'm ready to emerge from His quiver and head for the bull's eye. the sharpening has been painful and long but now i'm good to go. my heavy weights that tie me down to lesser things are dropped and i'm good to go.

last night i had a dream and i was young again, a sprightly (stupid) teenager again at the threshold of her life. i struggled again, laughed again, loved again, squealed again. then i woke up to being 24 and i realized that i can stop blaming me. that even though empowered with the prerogative of history, i couldn't stop myself from going through that journey and making those specific choices i often count as regret.

given that level of wisdom at that time, i did the best i could. maybe the journey was ordained- but this i can't verify until the last day. whatever it is, now i can heave a sigh of relief and be at peace with myself. coz i revisited the 'me' then, had a chance to do it all over again and didn't do it differently because apart from God, i just didn't know better.

i suspect God allowed that dream for me to reconcile with 'me'. so that i'll be less harsh on my foolishness and see that inspite and despite, He prevailed as the Saviour, master and nothing, not even my foolishness can interfere with His plan for my life

postponed, indelible.

i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.

was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.

then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.

now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.

next break scheduled: march 2008.
**

as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.

it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?

i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.

ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.

and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.

i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.

your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)

it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.

Star awards 25th year.

my mum is expressing deep regret for making me learn piano when i had clearly zero interest instead of singing. because while watching some star awards show, she just realized that i can sing themesongs of drama serials as far back as 1984.i cannot be more than a year old then.i remember EVERY single line of the lyrics. (somewhat) i also don't know how.

so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.

**

i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.

and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.

am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.

i don't know how much of this i can take.

Grey

it's the strong themes. and the magic in every line that cuts into my soul.

i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/

anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.

Evidences of You

I feel your breath in the gust of wind
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption

Remember me this way

i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.

So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.

Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.

i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.

i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.

thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...

it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.

I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :

you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.


and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.