meanie

i'm not feeling particularly kind. unlike my usual full of goodness self.(yes, don't worry its a joke)

now... like now, i think there's more beauty in my eyebags and zit under my eye and bloaty face than any so called inner beauty.forget inner beauty. beauty is not even skin deep. it is floating somewhere in outer space.

yes, i'm meanie for the day. it's like the whole world owes me a living and God needs to rapture me now!

POUT

when fear and faith collide

watched ''face the giants'' today. floodgate of tears ensued. not surprisingly of course.

life is really so much more than some one dimensional frivolous short-term goal (my life at least). and i hate it when other voices try to tell me otherwise. to sum it up most cryptically , life is about inhaling and exhaling Jesus. and all that He exhorted. to listen, to obey, to enjoy.

some people think i'm trying to lose touch with them. i don't know how to dispute that. it 's not entirely true (which means there's truth) but i can't share my burdens with you. i can't just work for money. if it's going to be all me that i work for, then i won't be able to last long.

unlike you. money is my servant and i refuse to let it take the lead and be my master. not now, not ever. i can't share anything with you of me lest you trample on it with condescension. you don't understand at all when i die inside watching the homeless man sleep under the bridge. or the old lady collecting cardboxes.

but money is not my enemy. it is my bridge to reach the disenfranchised, the poor. singapore can paint whatever beautiful picture it wants to and brush the lower strata of society under the carpet but i'm not going to walk on that carpet and pretend they're not there.

we're praying. but when its Your agenda above ours, i know You will cause it to come to pass. you know what we want to do. you know why we came in partnership. so use us. we already came so far. bring us all the way

when God is my partner, I have no choice but to dream big. looking in the face of my giants of fear of failure and a broken esteem in the eye knowing that when He is on my side, i've already won.

agreed

"The greatest weapon in the arsenal of democracy is the desire for liberty written into the human heart by our Creator. So long as we remain true to our ideals, we will defeat the extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will help those countries' peoples stand up functioning democracies in the heart of the broader Middle East. And when that hard work is done and the critics of today recede from memory, the cause of freedom will be stronger, a vital region will be brighter, and the American people will be safer.
Thank you, and God bless"

George Bush, Historic Speech to Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention 2007

Thank you Jesus.

today was pretty bad but thank God for friends who can pick me up and send me home and eat piping hot taiwanese porridge in me to soothe it all away.

huge hug for cali.

and huge hug for mummy who decided to buy kenneth cole watch totally out of the blue. sale i think but nonetheless.

and huge hug also for boyfriend who despite long work day still sits up to listen to me rant and is extra loving and kind.

and huge huge hug for Jesus who spoke His sweet comfort into me during painful train ride in horrible peak hour traffic.

i am blessed.

MPC camp

above all, it hit me real hard that it was MARRIAGE preparation and not WEDDING prep.

i kept thinking "aiyar, simple wedding can already". i wazznt expecting a huge fanfare so i was actually quite resentful of spending 3 days in pasir ris just to find out about the 'how to's.

but the camp was really so insightful and good and at the end of it all, despite having just come out of a very bad week only to transit into a very busy week ahead, i am actually very thankful and wish i had known all that earlier. I wish i'd learnt the things taught earlier and my eyes are just so opened now. to hidden issues, relationship dynamics and the place God takes etc.

i thought i knew it all. what else could be new? buti was planning for a lifetime and a covenant ahead. so there's never too little to learn. since i've yet to put much learnt into practice.

its really so major. a covenant that cannot be broken lest we crucify Christ all over again. most of all, even as it tests my commitment to him, i find myself questioning my commitment to Him since i find myself nearly copping out on so many times when i find my circumstances reigning over the truth of His love in my life.

if i don't have the full confidence in me to say i'll never deny Him,(ie say if you put me in a room full of cockroaches and persecute me for my faith) , what's to say i won't deny us when the going gets really tough?

it's a lot of hard work. no, there's an understatement. it's a lot of grit, hardwork, determination and all the love that Jesus is.

i have no confidence in me or in him. but at the end of the day, it's Jesus that makes us so that'll be where i'm fixing my eyes.

off to NZ in a day. will try to write.

bleah

this week hasn't been good. tomorrow i have to return to work coz we simply can't finish. and its national day. and i'm sleep deprived. and i'm still wondering how in the world things are going to work out. my emotions didn't even have time to do their usual roller coaster sequence when things are going topsy turvy. have been rather calm (comparatively) but not so strong. many times i want to crawl into a hole and cry in despair but i don't have time.

so there.

i called 999 for the first time. and 3 times in a day for that matter.
for the record, they took 20 minutes to arrive and i had to depend on my very brave friend ms pang to apprehend the creep.
i screamed at someone in public.
i screamed at the police officer for being stupid.
i realized who i could count on and depend on and was very sad to find you not on the list.
i saw that the people who were there were the ones who never failed to for like the past ten years.
i realize that people really don't understand me.
i realize how desperate i am in need of a miracle.
i wish i have 40 hours in a day and i am actually superwoman so i can do everything by myself and not get affected by people
i never wished for money so much and this is merely because i want to cab like every single time and never take the bus again. and i used to enjoy double decker rides.and i suddenly really wanto access email on the go. and i never ever wish these things!
i have developed an appetite for eggs and bittergourd and brown rice big time. (thanks shuxin)
i signed up for facebook (ok actually cali did it for me so i'm profileless)
i just want to hide on an island named heaven and play masak masak and watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
i have semi evolved into a misanthrope.
i suddenly wanto start sailing again (for the uninformed, i am a certified sailor. i can actually go out to sea alone) but i don't know when no one allows me to drive alone. always loved the sea but always hated the sun.

FOP report

FOP this year was like awesome.

Delirious? and Don Moen totally sent me catapulting to heaven. i really don't wanto be back but since its better for (you) that i be around, alright, i'll stay.

i love been so enraptured by His presence and enveloped by deep deep worship. I love it. I love Jesus and its so beautifully mutual i think this is the best match ever in heaven.

i love it so so so much. Bless Rev Dr Canon James Wong for spearheading FOP 21 years ago. I've been attending since like JC 7 years ago and every year it gets better. It is worth the crowd, the queues, the stinkoness and everything lah.

i wish i have pictures but need cali to upload even though her camera is erm with me.

and after FOP i did the most unspiritual thing. while the rest were out there buying books and cds, i bought moisturizer.

some of you may remember years ago that Jesus appeared to me in a dream and asked me what i wanted ...and i said "lancome hydrazen"

the very next day, it was presented to me. i nearly kicked myself. IMAGINE IF I ASKED FOR WISDOM!?!?the world would have been a better place.

what's with me and moisturizer?!its protecting my skin but threatening my destiny


I'm standing here waiting for my life to change
when the waters stir You can rearrange me
Just one touch is all i need
I've nothing much but the wounds i feel
I'm looking for the hand of the miracle man

Delirious?- Standing at the feet of the miracle maker

**
-delirious singing "here I am, send me"

me and isaac heard : "give me a ham sandwich!"