and someone else says it better!

a quote from one of my own list of most respected people-Charles Colson in his book, "the good life"

"The myth of personal autonomy- of "my point of view, right or wrong," or " my happiness, right or wrong" --is a mere counterfeit of what you and I really want. It substitutes an illusion of self sufficiency for the sustaining reality of nurturing relationships within a community. The good life? We do not experience it in the loneliness of today's fads of self-expression and self-gratification. The good life is found only in loving relationships and community.

But even this, important as it is, doesn't get us to the good life. There's more to it, a matter of the heart, as we see in the life of someone who could be any of us.

"You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature... Therefore, whenever we have the oppotunity, we should do good to everyone"

Galations 6:7-8,10, NLT

Charles Colson again..

" The good life is made possible when we expose some of the lies of our modern culture-the belief that money and things give us happiness, the seductive notion that we can design our own lives and enjoy unrestrained autonomy. Even when we relize that it is dignity, not riches, that constitutes the good life, when we have our family and community life together and are usefully engaged, we can still find our lives incomplete. Somethng more is needed, something that shakes us out of the comfortable routine of life- a moment of awakening when we question what gives us significance."

**the above is like an answer from heaven. i actually read this after i typed the previous blog. God is so coool.

almost jacob

the air is so still tonight it's almost suffocating.

there's been so much i want to blog about but haven't found the words/time. i'm still in the 'between the dreaming and the coming true' phase and the Lord has been pretty consistent in confirming and giving me the same word at almost every turn. my emotions are 'rojaked' and i run the whole range : from excitement to fear as i step into the unknown, when the only certainty is really, come what may, He'll be there.

i cannot be so bold to say that i won't fail or there won't be hiccups but i realise that i need to come to a place whereby i cannot fear anything, including failure. even when much is at stake. coz that hinders me from progress and thats death in itself. when i'm so paralyzed with fear i can't even as much as inch forward towards the goal that is so hazy and vague, i'm as good as gone.

so i'm moving foward. slowly but surely. the destination might seem hazy. the road ahead fogged. thank God for light for the step i'm on. i'm going..with the light in me, i'm going to fight all the fear that opposes me and march ahead. life is too short for me to not try, to spend time paralyzed in fear, to not live my dreams. that aside, i also run the risk of letting the little venture on my own define me, my walk, and distract me from chasing God. sometimes i get so carried away with planning and research it seems my prayer life is centered around these things when the innermost of my being cries out for simple plain sweet fellowship with Love itself.

lately, i've been so introspective some might say its bordering on unhealthy.(but i don't think so leh)i'm questioning what i want to achieve in this life so much i'm surprised at my own answers. i realise what i fear most is simply a life without significance. (not lack not cockroaches/butterflies)i want to be significant not in the sense of being in the limelight nor to find worth in the things i do. its hard to explain but i need to find significance in the things i've set my mind to do. because i'm significant to Him and him. i want to do this and this right and to build lasting monuments in life that will leave a good legacy behind for Him and those who come after me. i want to spend my life doing things that are well...worthy.(for the lack of a better word)

now that i've recognized what i truly want, and not what the world advocates i should have in order to be happy, the tough call now is to march against the strong torrent of this culture. i'm tempted to envy when i see the apparent abundance of material goods in another's life until i hear the gentle whisper "Be careful to guard yourselves from every kind of greed. Life is not about having alot of material possessions". (Luke 12.15) then i stop and i realise i can never be fulfilled until i live my call and have what He wants for me and now the prescription of the world.

its strange how i've seen the world toy with the hearts of many and entrap them into the premise that its with great wealth will they find great happiness only to leave them high dry and later on send them 'crash landing ' when they're there. i think its the realization of the futility of their investment of time and various other sacrifices that break these souls. and its harder than i can imagine to struggle against the spirit of the world.

my last sunday working.

went to Sloane hotel for dinner today with my family. its the quaintest place and it totally doesn't feel like i'm in singapore at all.

will upload pics much later but the highlight is, it was reported in the papers that the site is worth about 55 mil.

so while we were supposed to reverse out, i unwittingly engaged the 'D' gear and ran straight into the 40 year old hotel, prompting my brother to scream, "wah, 55 million nearly gone because of jiejie"

**
then at home, while trying to park, the neighbour who was actually washing the car with his brother backed into the corner and froze in shock as he watched me (try to) park the car. they refused to come out of hiding until i safely got out and locked the car.

**

all that aside, my tear ducts are actually very overworked because of a whole host of reasons. i suddenly abhor so manythings that i used to permissively approve and because of the stand i take now, i'm setting the stage for a lot of 'showdowns'. the refusal to compromise sets me against 'goliaths' bigger than i can imagine. and i'm not sure if i'm half a david.

but God will still be God so i'll wait and see. suddenly , overnight i find myself standing against alot of opposition and unfortunately, apart from isaac and Jesus, i see no one else on my side. it feels terribly alone but i've made of my mind. alot of pple will probably balk at the change and sometimes i almost feel like turning back and just crawling back into my oblivion and console myself with the lousy thought that 'alone, i can't make much of a change anyway ' and just enjoy my material blessings but i can't turn a blind eye.

**
i used to think i'll try to make it 'big' and take my family and kids on expensive holidays to disneyland etc. disneyland was my favorite (and still is) and i just want to bring my kids there every year.

today, i realised that my first and foremost duty as a mother is to endeavor to replicate the spiritual DNA of Jesus in them and i realised that until they realise there is a sin filled suffering world out there in desperate need of help and Jesus, i haven't fulfilled anything in life. for someone that is ultra particular about sanitation and hygeine, i have been pretty stirred to go beyond the first world geographical boundaries into the third just to share some love and shed some light.

while my kids bask in the blessings that people in the first world so freely taken for granted, i want to open their eyes and hearts to see what is beyond this world, to see the heaven and the hell. to experience the heaven and give them a desire to drive heaven into hell and continue what Jesus set out more than 2000 years ago to do- set the captives free.

i don't know how to do that if it doesn't begin with me and isaac. God help us, along with all our weaknesses and infirmities, we just want to make a difference and redeem the culture and show the world Jesus lives.

between the dreaming and the coming true

in a nutshell:

1) tras street
2) driving license
3)benny hinn meeting
4)shared umbrella with a girl who i later realised was a persecuted christian in nth vietnam
5)freedom
6)pursuit of a dream
7)pursued by a God.

the cross is not where i pass through to heaven, its where i dwell , my source of life.

today i learnt about a 4 year old girl who despite her age, with her finesse and fortitude puts me to utter shame.

at 3, she was discovered to have leaukaemia and was prescribed painful chemo sessions which caused her hair to drop and endless pain. Traumatic enough for any adult, she took it well in her stride and claims its no big deal to have cancer. Her spirit was informidable and strong.

She went around in her baldness and when asked why she didn't wear her hat to hide her baldness, she replied indignantly showcasing her finest strength in that moment like this.."so what?i'm still beautiful"

and she won my heart. and respect.

**
and lately the Lord has been showing me about the importance of knowing who i am. knowing so will make me stand firm, on solid ground and be immovable even when all around me circumstances are like shifting sand.

Jesus' identity was often challenged and the devil taunted mercilessly to get him to prove that he is truly the Son of God. from the 40 days in the wilderness all the way to the cross, there were numeral instances of him being taunted to prove that he is the son of God. indeed he suffered utter humiliation on the cross where as he hung crucified, God didn't show up in a mighty way to deliver his son. his son had to endure not just physical pain but mental agony as those he is giving his life for spit on him with scorn and pride, scoffing at the most High. thank God he endured. for then i can be reconciled with my Father. and praise God because the endorsement from Heaven eventually came when He rose from the grave, 3 days later having conquered hell and satan.

even more so, today, the same creep relentlessly taunts me by trying to cast doubt in my head of my identity. not that i don't know that i'm saved by grace and heaven is my destination but i was behaving more as a slave than a child of God. when the pressure caves in for me to choose, will i choose His way , their way or mine.

while i knew my heritage, i didn't know my inheritance. its almost if the inheritance died out when it reached me and the heritage is a shameful foregone past. but its not! i have an amazing heritage having descended from Him and to be called His child and my inheritance..well the bible says i'm a joint heir with Christ and that has to be alot!

everytime i call upon the name of Jesus, whether in praise or as a cry of help in distress, all heaven stands at attention. i wear royal robes as an indication of my identity in Him and my standing in His sight. i'm well loved and is the apple of God's eye...because in this i know so because God sent His son to die for me.

God had to remind me all that so that when the world challenges me to compromise the things that define me on the inside and corrupt the nature of Christ deep within me, I can firmly say no. I can refuse my flesh and embrace my spirit when the flesh rises up. when doubt and fear assuages me, I can run to my Jesus knowing there is a refuge for me. when the standards of the world dip alarmingly, i can rise above.

if there's nothing i can cling on to in this world, let me never lose my identity. coz its the one thing that will lead me home.