Thursday, March 29, 2007

hope deferred.

today is one day i came so close to bursting into tears many many times throughout the day. i don't know which was more difficult- holding back the floodgates when the torrent of tears were welling up or fighting the hopelessness caused by the situation.

everything seems to be sliding down into a dark dark abyss and i feel utterly depleted of strength when it comes into fighting the battle against hopelessness.

if hope deferred makes the heart sick, i'm there now. i feel so sick right down in my spirit and i don't know how to climb out. and its so difficult trying to be still and wait ...and let him be God when everything inside me is rebelling against that. but nonetheless i have no choice, coz i'm truly utterly powerless this time round. the circumstances are too big for me and i can only rejoice that they're not too big for God.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

pamper me plea

and lately all i've been thinking about is stuffing myself with congee and sweet prawn sashimi. then i fantasized about going to Sakura for a buffet. so i need annabelle to come back and i'm not even sure if adelene is in the middle kingdom and i dunno if mei ling is ever gg to be free.

its been challenging

been quite down lately due to work and i found all my prayers centered around work. i hoped against hope that things will go 'my way' and clung on to 'hope will not disappoint'.

until i realised that i wassn't going to God for God (again) and my hope was placed in the changing of my circumstances in only one specific way. it wassn't an open betterment to other things that God might want to bring about but my own limited perspective of what was good.

and because i was gently nudged by Him to be open to other things without being informed specifically what its about...i sunk into a state of hopelessness coz i immediately assumed the worse. and because i could no longer place my hope in that one scenario that i can fantasize about in my head , i now had nothing to grasp to except my loving but invisible God who is ever full of surprises and ...

yah i got very upset.

i like to be told in advance. i like to know what to expect. i'm not big on surprises. i'd rather be sure even if it means there's no room in my heart for faith.

but fortunately or unfortunately, He managed to break that part of me and here i am, hoping against hope, for i don't know what except that my God is bigger than my circumstances and will surely come through for me.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

a matter of perspective

refer to the post about ''the way we mend''

"In december 1914, a great sweeping fire destroyed Thomas Edison's laboratories in West Orange, New Jersey wiping out two million dollars' worth of equipment and the record of much of his life's work.

Edison's son Charles ran about frantically trying to find his father. Finally he came upon him, standing near the fire, his face ruddy in the glow, his white hair blown by the winder winds. "my heart ached for him," Charles Edison said. "He was no longer young, and everything was being destroyed. He spotted me. "where's your mother?" he shouted. "find her. bring her here. she'll never see anothing like this again as long as she lives"

The next morning, walking about the charred embers of so many of his hopes and dreams, the 67 year old Edison said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew"

Sunday, March 18, 2007

who would've thought?

on hindsight,

who would have thought ...
that i'd be in the line that i'm in today, given that i have a history degree
that we'll still be friends since we're different in every other way(and this applies to almost all my friends)
that isaac and i are still together
that isaac and i got together (another example of polar opposites)
that i'd ever drink coffee when i used to claim starbucks had a nauseating stench
that i'd ever leave the church that i grew up in
that i'd ever be able to wake up early when i used to sleep 20 hours a day and my nickname was 'comatosed'
that i would 'turn the other cheek' when i used to be the bully
that we would no longer be in touch when we used to be so close
that we would reconcile when every word we ever exchanged was dripping with venom
that i'm capable of loving anyone other than myself
that i still hate butterflies but come to love dogs
that i've successfully weaned myself of pokka green tea
that i'd declare hazeline snow as the best moisturizer when i didn't spend less than $30 on skincare
that i'd ever sleep without airconditioning
that i'd ever forget since i always remembered
that i'd ever remember since i'd forgotten
that i'd talk so much when they used to think i was autistic in kindergarten
that i'd have such a huge appetite when i used to take 3 hours running round the house to escape eating lunch in my high chair.
that i'd finish university when my mum had doubts of me completing secondary school
and...

that i'd ever ever exercise

Prodigal

sometimes after having suffered a little while and translated into a realm of blessing, i find myself being even more afraid than ever before to lose that blessing. its the post trauma syndrome whereby i'm so afraid to return to the state where i did't have.

so i find myself at the throne of God more often than usual, speaking in tongues with greater frequency throughout the day, all the while ignoring the person sitting on the throne and allowing myself to sound just like a noisy cymbal to lay a stronger claim on those blessings. i don't have absolute confidence to say that these 'blessings' are NOT transient/elusive but the fact that i fear their absence says alot about my spiritual depravation.

and that's what God wants to address this season for me at least. that i should be consumed by our relationship. its plain insulting to seek His audience just for blessings alone. I was forsaking my first love and these blessings have since exalted themselves against the throne of God in my lives. they've become my idols.

The apostle paul learnt how to abound and to be abased. that is a duality i feel i never truly grasped. i'm so afraid to go without that which my flesh desires as if that is truly the most important thing when Jesus only exhorted us to rejoice simply because our names are written in heaven. indeed, the greatest enemy of best is good.

i was seeking the good instead of the best. i'm ashamed but not afraid to admit that unlike my other christian siblings who could sacrifice it all just out of plain love for God, my heart is miserably small in comparison. i did not have the love of God. i was at the throne day and night but came to the harsh realization that i was not truly abiding.

i remember myself, my interests, my needs as if God didn't already know. i had an orphan spirit that had to be exorcised. yet i had a Father, a bridegroom who sacrificed it all. the thought of Him sacrificing it all so that i can be reconciled to the father and gain instant audience and yet i've abused it as a wishlist dispenser cuts through the heart like no other pain.i was prioritizing suffering avoidance and i was allowing this fear to be my God..to direct my will instead of God himself.

its an insipid thing that has crept in to my being. i shdn't be rememebring how much it will cost me but how much it has cost HIM. as i've been freely given, i ought to freely give and yet here i am...i used to think i can't live without the blessings. that might not be entirely untrue but today i'm confronted painfully that there is no way i can live without the blessor. i can't function or just go ahead blindly without one word from Him and just to hear that familiar whisper in my spirit melts everything i've allowed to harden in me, including my heart.the ridiculous thing is that its not like i even suffered a lot or ever had to go without!

i used to advocate so many years ago that even if Jesus no longer dispenses blessings, by virtue of the fact that he gave me eternal salvation and paid that painful price on the cross, it is more than enough. as i examine my heart today, i've deviated way too far.

but i thank God today that no child is too far out of the reach of His loving arms. and even as my heart finds its way home to where it truly belongs and find acceptance, i know the angels in heaven are doing a little dance. i might not be the typical 'prodigal son' but i just want Him to know..i'm back home.


The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valleyIf You want me to

Ginny Owens
If you want me to

Saturday, March 17, 2007

coward

i'm such a coward i don't even dare to trust the God who loves me with my life. i didn't dare to surrender my will and when i did, i kept questioning His.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

mistaken

on the way home from church today, in a cab

cab driver: wah i really like to go church on sunday, the big one at expo
me (eyes lighting up): you're christian too!
cab driver: no..go church and pick up passengers.
me: ...

**
some people might think i lost my mind. well, i thank God i haven't lost heart.and i don't know how to break the news that they are losing their souls.

**

recently colleague remarked that i look like a chinese national (ie. mainland), the other remarked that i look thai.prior to that, i thought aloud that the one who insisted i'm thai looked uncannily like doctor evil (austin powers).


**

today chicken rice uncle was taken aback when i reduced my usual order from $3 to $2. i insisted that i had little appetite. fast forward to 4pm on same day..i found myself sneaking out of the office to buy a value meal from burger king.

**
yesterday, i had to climb 3 storeys up a unconserved pre war building in geylang with heavy bags of documents in geylang. i was not very happy.

**
after meeting with a restauranteur who was famed for his dim sum, he offered to give me paus and other dim sums . a whole box of them..

me(calling boyfriend excitedly): he gave me pau !! he gave me pau!!!
boyfriend: why were you begging?!!?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

caving in

today it as made clear to me that i shd not give up..and i need to develop a spirit of perserverance. that even if mountains lay in the way to my promised land, i'd overcome..speak to it, jump over it whatever...that it has to be done.

i don't know why i'm often overcome by impulses to run away from the life that has defined me here. i don't know why i have strong urges every now and then to drop everything and escape..and its not even when the going gets tough.sometimes, i just need to be free from the life and the routines that have become so rigid over the years, stick my head out above them all and breatheee.

when i'm somewhere where nobody knows me and nothing is expected of me, that can be done. suddenly i'm chatty and cheery again while otherwise, the fast paced city life has reduced me to a machine of sorts. sometimes, when i hang up the phone or tell my receptionist to screen my calls while i try to finish report or just get through the emails, i realise that i can live in absolute silence for like 2-3 hrs straight. without talking to anyone. its pure solitude and i just carry on mechanically...unwittingly allowing life to sap right out of me.

then i find myself depleted of any form of interpersonal skills coz i just can't botther to communicate and interact. i wanto crawl into a cave and retreat into oblivion but i'm not even entitled to that respite.

but when i take a break away from being me, i realise i'm capable of more than a conversation. i not just engage people but i guffaw with joy and smile to myself...relishing the pure joy and peace that moment brings. savouring the experiences of sight and sound as the world whizzes by.

but now i'm tasked to 'overcome' and go on inspite of, without that breather that gives me life, without that fuel that spurs me on. and thats what rattles my heart.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

by an unnamed, struggling 17 year old

what do you think?
i didn't even understand it at first....and i don't even think i've wrung the true meaning of this emotion drenched poem

Lingering, the personification of fulfilment
unwound from the rancid tormentment within
vehemently accepting these sinful natures of youth
rueing the sleeping clock-turns foregone
onimous, beckoning, the cupid's rejoice
crestfallen, forlorn, the devil's cry
kin, alike, drove silent to the minds of oblivion
sacred, true, lives started anew.

The way we mend

sometimes the best way to mend is to start from scratch, square one and tear down all the ruins. from the inside out and create something brand new, abolish the old completely until not a trace of it remains. many architects would attest to that...that its easier to build a building than restore it.

so many times i need to be nothing and empty myself out before God can even move a finger. i don't know what it says about me and the mess i've created but His decision is what i'll eventually go with. afterall, He being God...makes it difficult for me to have a different opinion.

sometimes the hardest thing for me is to admit i've been wrong in the small things. big things, just admit it but to find myself at fault for the small things that should be entitled to every human living flesh by virtue of residence in this sin sick world, is very very difficult. God may understand the root cause of my tantrum and bratty behaviour but nothing justifies it. what i choose to do later on after i've been unjustly treated by a lousy colleague is entirely up to me. while the initial offender was wrong, i have no business in perpetuating the offense.

sometimes i really see God as a 'rag and bone' person for taking me in when i really really see myself decrepit and depleted of any form of beauty. its a disgusting sight and i am inclined to despair. i don't know if theres potential in me but if hope is to be found in Him and His famous line is "with God, nothing is impossible", i'll cling on to that.

i see the blood of Jesus and the work it has done in cleansing sin and reconciling me to God. now , i just need a deep work of the spirit until His beauty is oneness in me, thought deed through and through. coz the battle with me is not over...until i die completely, God can never truly come alive in me.

lately you've been all blue sky
and i've been rain
i don't mean to bust up your party
with all of my pain
but sometimes my shadows surround me
and you take me in your arms and say
its the way we mend
we tear it all down and we'll start it again
and i don't know how but you find me where we begin
and thats just the way, the way that we mend
its just that some voices remind me
i'm not strong enough
to put all my demons behind me
and carry this love
but just like an angel of mercy
you take me by my hand and say
they're pouring out
from my mouth
so many words all spoken wrong
but you come alive
and somehow i find my way

-Bebo Norman, (somehow he always has the words to describe my turmoils)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

threat received but not threatened. POOT.

sometimes people ask me why my life seems so interesting and exciting and straight out of the tv. the truth is i don't know why.

today someone told someone she wants to kill me. later she told me also. i don't really care if shez joking but its not funny. previously she apparently toyed with the idea of stabbing me. i don't know if i've received a death threat. i'm not concerned. i'm just annoyed and i know most of you can see me rolling my eyes.

its not like i don't think she won't do it. i think shez capable but i'll leave that to God. i just can't stand her. i won't fear those who can only harm your flesh. the only person i need to fear is God and even so, that has been taken care of.now my dilemma is :shd i tell her the love of jesus or let her be damned?after all, she sure speaks the words of satan.i really believe shez a messanger of satan sent to buffet me. hurhur.

i don't know. if God allowed her to even appear, i think i better seek His purposes and will regarding this matter. i no longer feel like shunning /avoiding her. i think if my presence is going to antagonize the hell out of her (literally), i'm staying put. hur hur again.

and incase you all are wondering, i didn't cheat her money or anything like that ok.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

growing up.

i wanto go so many places so badly i dun even noe why im working for a company that won't move

-fire conference in hk in july (and i've been offered accomodation by two people lor!)
-church camp in KL in june
-zion conference in sg in err..a week's time
-brooklyn tabernacle in new york
-melbourne (again)
-north carolina (not because of clay aiken)

**was talking to my almost 17 year old cousin about her jc posting results. and i just hate to be reminded that jc for me was so 7 years ago. talking to another friend from the pre historic ages to realize that somethings dun change really brings me into a full on confrontation that so much time has truly passed. that i've grown up and gone through well... a host of experiences to be who i am today.

its amazing and appalling at the same time at the realization of how much time actually slipped through unaware. and that time truly does play a part in healing and of coz ageing. that unbeknownst to me, i'm at another threshold of my life awaiting something new to dawn on me.

these days i've learnt to not sweat the small stuff like i used to. im seriously mellowing down and while i like to credit it to good fellowship with the lord, i can't help but think its also a by product of age. 24 is not old, but its somewhere. its an exciting time in adulthood whereby i feel..life truly begins.

back then at 17 where the world was beckoning, i felt powerless to pursue the dreams i wanted to. now i feel like finally my wings have strengthened and i can truly fly and not just dream anymore. its the time of materialization to so many of my dreams and i can't wait to soar with isaac on the wings of Jesus.

i still look back at times and question why. not conciously but only when memories are evoked. but nowadays, i don't grief so much for the lack of answers but smile in triumph knowing that yes, it was bad but God got me over it and thats enough to rejoice. and i have so much to look forward to. i've also learnt to see how blessed i truly am instead of lamenting over what i seemed to lack. the list might be endless but when it comes to what truly matters, i have it all and more.

it seems like a time whereby God is putting his perspective in mine and i can't wait for more. there are answers to questions i might never know for as long as i live but for now while my quest and appetite for answers are pretty much insatiable, i rest inside. knowing somehow that i'm loved which is something i never really dwelt much upon to savour the true sweetness and bask in.

there's a lot more growing up to do in the years ahead and i can only pray that people around be patient with me. there's still remnants of a brat waiting to be exorcised and although i can't bear to let her go, i'll gently loosen my grip.

i feel like i'm loosing myself in the process of all these 'letting go' which i also call self exfoliation but if gaining jesus is the end reward, i'd rather lose myself completely. once i thought i gave it all, left it all at the altar only to realise that i was so caught up in my giving i forgot to partake of the exchange. coz when you give, God always has something back for you, far more superior than what you can possibly think or imagine.

i've got so much instore, so much life to live out.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

indignant.

ugly betty made me cry today as i watch her endure humiliation from her boss who would very much prefer a pretty assistant as opposed to her. she is a sore thumb in the sleek and everyone looks good fashion industry and it must feel so terrible to be ostracized the way she was.its just not right.

i hate it oh so much when people are slighted by virtue of their physical appearances or simply because they don't fit into the majority. i'm facing that at work recently whereby majority doesn't quite include me. not that i want to simply because of my personal and religious convictions and i've often resorted to my acidic tongue in retaliation. i hate how they make me feel and how they end up thrusting the blame on me or when credit eludes me when it is due. but i just can't compromise. i owe myself at least that little bit of respect to preserve the very substance that defines me. i so need help to love my enemies.

i'm not so flexible like yoga that i can bend with the wind. unfortunately for them and fortunately for me, i'm parking myself immovably like a rock.

since my God is bigger than their devil, i'm convinced me and God makes majority.