silent love

its difficult loving the people you love who don't seem to love you back. and they are the people you don't wanto love coz u never get anything back in return. yet you can't help it.

i'd love to hate them but the anger doesn't reside for long. i cannot help but love them and it hurts so much. coz its so hard to tell them. i believe it is this pain that truly killed Jesus. not the crucifixion.

Jesus must have felt the same way. there are so many He longs to express His love to, in words in deed in everything, with everything. but they are seething with so much hate at the mention of His name its impossible. He is God's son and you would think an heir of heaven could have anything He wanted, at His beck and call. yet, the hearts of dead cold men and women numbed by sin and apathy....is what He truly desires.

it must be so heartwrenching. so many times more than wat i can ever feel. infact, i believe this grief, if i am allowed to term it so is from Him. and it is only a tiny fraction of what He's been feeling.

and it's already tearing me apart, wiping me out. i don't know how much love His heart can really contain. it seems each time i look into it, it surpasses my expectations all over again. yet i struggle with being unloved and feeling insignificant in His eyes. so fragile, the human ego. all i have to do is to go without spending time with Him andhearing Him for myself and i'm insecure.

only God knows how hard i really try to pretend to be strong in the presence of watchful men. some maybe waiting to watch me stumble and fall and let the 'aha i knew it!' in their hearts be vocalized. and thats what i truly fear, coz of the implied shame to His name, His work. and perhaps, to me. that i failed. it implies failure in my spirituality and more so, my relationship with Him.

and this fear totally manifested again when a friend from quite long ago, who was (in my eyes) drop dead gorgeous, smart and talented asked to meet up. and wondered why i'd disappeared. panic arose in me.i couldn't show her what i'd become. that i no longer laughed as hard. that life has taken its toll. needless to say, i didn't reply the msg.

on a more joyful note, it is also God who truly knows and still accepts me although i constantly and continue to bring more shame to His name than glory. in my words, thoughts, everything. grace and mercy sounds like a cliche in this day of christian mambo jambo but to me, especially today, i stand in awe again. and in that same measure, every vestige of hate i felt towards anyone, evaporates. hate can only flee in defeat in the face of His overwhelming presence. i don't even have to try.

it's cathartic and liberating. on hindsight, with respects to my life, i truly believe i'm made ofwater (ignoring the dehydrated skin) because i cry so much. but thats not a biggie because i always have someone to wipe away those tears.

buay tahan

its really ok to not know everything. afterall the word 'omniscient' was bestowed and created only for one person.-God. (and its the Holy trinity God. not some figurine with alot of balookus on his head and big ears.)

i truly despite and hate (i take time to forgive i know...) people who have to have an answer for everything when they don't. And precisely because they don't, they come up with their own answers to answer doubting minds wrecked with confusion and cause grievous hurt and pain, searing emotional wounds even more.

if you can't even bring yourself to say 'i don't know' and admit your that you are just a human being, don't be one. i'll gladly refer you to the SPCA.

i speak from an angry angry (almost bitter) place because i've been there. to be the subject of wrong wrong information conveyed by people of authority. people i trusted. and then as this various episodes were slipping out of my memory, i foundout that some of my friends are still going through this. disgusting.no, it makes my blood boil and it nearly made me produce venom to spit out.

i've been reading books by authors who also questioned in their confusion and their books chronicle their own search for answers by just constantly seeking God. and how the answers have since arrived...and how answers are still not here by the time the book was published. fine by me. the answers finally sit well with me. and even more so, the lack of answers to even more questions. its ok. i'll join them in their journey to seek God and get the answers. even if the answers don't come, i'm learning to just enjoy His presence.

***
these days, i've been spending a lot of time doing things i enjoy and hanging out with people whose company i enjoy. previously, i spent time with people i'm obliged to like (because christians are supposed to love every living breathing thing!) even if their company pained me to no end because of a wide myriad of reasons, i sat through lunches and dinners because ....theres only one reason for this..

I was unbelievably stupid!!!

i felt like since we have other mutual friends, i had to hang out with them. its wrong to not like people. and i failed ot realize again and again that like does not equate to love. that it is fine loving them from afar instead of biting my tongue just to refrain from saying something nasty and have them ask..."why you so quiet ar!?!" and den after the 'haha superficial session', i go home myself with a massive headache and a sick pukish sensation.

it was such a release to be spending everyday with people i CHOSE to spend time with. people i could laugh and cry with. to do things i like. i realised that in the company of people i didn't enjoy, i din wanto do anything. shopping, no. eating, ok la but i try to finish my food asap and run. nothing interests me. in direct contrast, even if i was at the boringest place, doing the most unfun activities such as collecting my passport and going for some dive exhibition (haha), it still felt good and at the end of the day, i'm tired and every muscle in me is crying for rest but i'm happy.

so...this obligatory i talk to you, i meet you because u ask me to nonsense will stop. unless ...well i'll leave room for exceptions. but thats it. i'm going to line up the week with more, even friends i haven't met for a long time, even new people. it darzen matter. as long as that sense of obligation goes.

i'm glad i never have to feel obligated with God. that would make being Christian sheer hell and the main irony of it is tt u're saved eternally from hell! i'm glad He draws me and as i draw near, He draws nearer. i'm glad that when i don't feel like being with Him and ignore Him, He woos me and makes it fun and enjoyable.

good friday post.

give me the biggest appetite ever. an insatiable one.

i am no longer just satisfied when blessings come, when i'm encapsulated by the presence of God when i spend time each night at His feet. now, i yearn (so so badly) to see manifestations of His glory, revivals and only God knows how much i yearn to share this hunger with people who hv the same hunger.

granted, there are alot of things seducing my affections when it comes to the things of God. eg. endless hours infront of the tv.at night, in the quiet place when all is quiet and silent, i am on fire and praising and praying but nxt morning it feels like there is just no reason to get up. no reason to even live. no purpose. i don't even think i am the only one who goes through that. its terrible and detrimental living life without a purpose. i didn't use to think so but it is! its no fun just breathing and having 'fun'. not at all. we were all made for something and it takes a lot of pressing on to find out. and i know many many of us reading this blog have huge destinies that require so much sacrifice just but i've seen people whom i've worshipped and cried and loved with gone...far out into the world. recently i've been awakened to the strong sense of destiny i used to feel, i've been recalling (and it takes a miracle for me to recall anything thanks to medication mind you) the words that have been spoken over in my life. the dreams, the visions. and i can't believe i've been leaving them somewhere in the dearths of my soul collecting dust! i feel as if God is using this apparent dearth in my life to awake me again. to be the river when its dry. i'm so scared to lose this sense of destiny again. for it is why im on earth for. not to breathe and contribute to the economy and just hoard blessings. i can jolly well go to heaven if not for the purpose entrenched in this life. and i shudder to think how many have gone on with their blessings robbed. God might wait for men, no matter how long he takes to come home, as long as he eventually will but time darzen. it continues ticking.

on a separate note, i wished i'd gone to church today. even though the two churches i used to call home are closed. i don't get it and it almost angers me. even the govt understands enough to give us a public holiday to go to church and yet thousands of believers have closed doors to face on such a significant day. the day the church was birthed. i mean come on, good friday was the day that gave us a reason for our existence! otherwise we could all just gear up for hell. its the day our sins were COMPLETELY forgiven. i don't get it especially when i realise that its not just ONE church closing its doors. (and pls dun try to explain it to me, i still won't get it)

i was so desperate i wanted to just attend any service at all that remotely commemorates such a in history but unfortunately, thanks to the headache the night before (its a lousy excuse i know) i woke up at 12 pm and a google search on the churches that i even know of told me that there were no longer any services that i could make it for.

***
i think at this point in life i'm really looking for acceptance in the sense that if i call you my friend, i don't have to be so afraid of offending you that i can be myself. even if you are no where like that. even if you think i'd gone bonkers. that i can be vulnerable and strong. and funny in the sense of haha or just plain odd.

i had a wonderful day with cali a few days ago and its so heartening to know that friendships do survive the long distance, the busy schedules and even long periods of not being in touch. sometimes its not just about catching up coz very often, i don't wanto relive what i've been through in the months. and mostly, there's nothing to catch up on. nothing much to update on. it's really just about enjoying the company of people you love and who love you and i'm so glad to have such a great bunch of them of these kinda pple.

i'll forever thank God for putting me in mgs. its where i met Him and became His. and i think its the wisest decision i ever made. it was also the place that gave me the friendships that i know will last a lifetime. no, make that eternity. i mean nothing beats the people who grew up with you (even though sometimes it takes alot for them to forget the stupid embarassing things you did)

sadly, i realised that i never laughed as hard again after i left mgs. not that ive been sad and sad after that but you have to be there to understand, we were laughing everyday. hysterically. i mean it was an environment of just laughter, joy and i would like to believe character building but thats disputable.

i remember falling off the chair laughing so often my teacher had to command me to pick me up but i couldn't. so i rolled under the table instead. i always got weak knees when i laugh really hard and they'd just buckle and give way and i'd fall down if i was laughing standing up. and my laughter was so not demure sweet and nice and people called me machine gun and hyena. but hey, who really cares when u are so happy la.

of coz now i don't even remember what i laughed about. maybe it was about the girl who climbed the tree. maybe its about my friend's buspass/ic photo(i'm sorry mei ling!), maybe it was about me wearing my uniform inside out (which happens), maybe it was about a physics teacher who pronounced 'bicycle' like 'spice girl'.shitting expeditions and all. there was just so much it was stand up comedy everyday.

ok time to be forward looking.1996-1999 is over.

have a very blessed weekend. He is alive!

my 2nd op.

Above:zhu tou recovering.

my zhu tou is precious to me and yesterday i stupidly sat on its body tugged at its head and it nearly had a detached head.

so i had to perform my 2nd major op. (1st was at mei ling's house. the cow died but i tried my best) without my operating gown to save my zhu tou.

so now hez in coma. still. but the surgery was a success. phew

testing i finally learnt how to strike through!thanks to mei ling! with frens like these, IT idiots have hope!yay!i cant stop!!!

train thy animals in the way they should go

zhu tou worshipping the lord with xiao hippo.

what a savior!

" the heart of salvation is the Cross of Christ. The reason salvation is so easy to obtain is that it cost God so much. The cross was the place where God and sinful man merged with a tremendous collision and where the way to life was opened. But all the cost and pain of the collision was absorbed by the heart of God"

-oswald chambers.

i like the way he put it.

salvation is easy because i have no price to pay.

the unchanging story, is still changing me.

where joy and sorrow meet

i need to reach the place whereby i can remain unfazed by human expectations (mostly my own) and discouragements and just fallen hope.

and i din realize that very place was the cross where Jesus died. somehow when i direct my focus on all that went on at the cross, its hard to be fazed by anything. in fact, there is new found strength to soar even when i thought i'd plunged from the greatest height. my strength for every single day and minute comes from Calvary.

its in that battered form that i find true acceptance. never mind the answers to my endless questions, perhaps they don't need to be answered anyway. it is in His greatest loss that i sought my greatest gain. it takes the wisdom of God to sow a son and get so many in return.

it's not even just the cross. its the motivation behind it. someone once said to me that they needn't have nailed Jesus as His love would have kept Him there. if Adam and Eve never fell, if we were still in Eden, i don't think i would ever know how much exactly God loves me.

contrary to popular belief, i can go without food and sleep. appetite crashed after my medication and i was going thru days whereby i cannot take more than two mouthfuls of anything per meal.food was just disgusting. and im taking 3 days to finish one muffin. i din believe the doctor when she said that my appetite would plummet. my dentist said the same thing to me many years ago when i put on braces but i went on to prove her wrong.

but i realised that when my appetite to commune with Him plummets, i can't go on. the despair is just debilitating. i am really nothing without Him. i hope that also translates to i am everything with Him.

***
there is a place of quiet stillness between the light and shadows reach
where the hurting and the hopeless
seek everlasting peace
words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
mending grief and life eternal, where joy and sorrow meet

there is a place where hope remains
in crowns of thorns and crimson stains
and tears that fall on Jesus' feet
where joy and sorrow meet

there's a place where the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
for wounded, there is healing, strength is given to the weak
broken hearts find love redeeming, where joy and sorrow meet

there's a place of thirst and hunger
where the roots of faith grow deep
and there is rain and rolling thunder where the road is rough and steep
there is hope in desperation
there is victory in defeat
at the cross of restoration
where joy and sorrow meet

avalon-where joy and sorrow meet

food and me

i believe i'm fearfully and wonderfully made.

1) when i have no appetite, i like to smell muffins.
2) i cannot live without chilli. it has to be in everything i eat.
3) i'm allergic to chilli. ( it makes my nose itch for awhile)
4) watermelon is THE fruit. i believe God made watermelons for me and me alone. you all just benefit by default.
5) no berries of any sort. but i eat strawberry cheesecake, shortcake, ice cream, blueberry muffins etc.
6) i almost could not live without pokka green tea. then i had to wean myself off it because of low blood.
7) i drank my first cup of coffee when i was 19. at starbucks, robinsons tower, with pam ting. it was caramel frappucino and we sat drinking as we were paid to count cars.
8) since then, i only drink coffee that darzen taste like coffee. (add a lot of sugar) i don't even touch coffee ice cream, cakes etc. smelly
9) i like pauper food. eg. rice with gravy, spaghetti aglio olio (basically spaghetti with chilli and garlic and olive oil)
10) no onions at all. but french onion soup is ok. onion rings oso can.
11) no ginger at all. not even ginger cookies, ginger tea, or gingerbreadman
12) the only fish i ate was fillet and fishcake before i met isaac.
13) i din eat ketchup until i met isaac
14) i was also carnivorous until i met isaac
15) i hate raw vegetables but i'll compromise for caesar's salad.
16) no carrots at all. but carrot juice is ok
17) i love peanuts
18) i'm allergic to nuts.
19) no durians. but durian puff is ok.
20) i like to eat butter. as in cut a slab and bite it and eat it. no margarine.
21) i HATEEEE EGGS. but i like omelette with ham and cheese.
22) i hate apples. but i loveee apple strudel.
23) i only ate fillet o fish from mcdonalds for many many years. my first 'other' burger was mcchicken and i think that happened was i was 15. at kap
24) i hateee pineapples. but pineapple tarts are ok.

some people think i have 4 stomachs. some people think i have a straight intestine.
most agree that i shit alot.

nostalgia

when i was youngER, (im still young) i used to go to annabelle's house, tapao chilli crab and just eat and eat.

i was a skillful eater. i would clean the crab inside out and make sure the crab din die in vain. it was one of my favourite pastimes and one of the highlights of my life.

den today annabelle was with her parents at east coast eating chilli crab. and her parents remembered the 'friend who would eat her crabs really clean'.

i'm so glad to be remembered. somewhat fondly.somewhat strangely. i can imagine their mental image of me, with chillified hands and chilli all over my mouth..very unglam. and i appreciate the fact that they think they should bring me along nxt time.

its strange how people are always reminded of me when they eat. i really don't know why leh.

karang guni God.

Jesus loves collecting trash and i'm among His choice trash collection.

reached a point whereby i've nothing absolutely nothing to offer Him. even the heart that He seeks after is in smitherines. i don't know what else can possibly catch His eye but He sure has weird taste.

the last bit of me has been emptied out and i don't know who i am truly for the first time. i don't know what i'm supposed to be, who i'm supposed to be at all. i've lost every marker indicative of what my identity should be. it is the first time in my life that i'm truly taking on the identity of Christ. for so many years, sadly, it was all but a theory i lived by. coz there is no real transfer and ownership of that identity until you've been emptied out.

and i don't know but i feel such exhilarating joy.it makes no sense. its like being born again. i feel every fear FLEE. not just ebb away. its like cloud 9 just that Hez riding on the clouds with me. either that or i've gone completely completely bonkers. i feel like a 16 year old in love. giggly.

***

Jesus set out to collect a bouquet of flowers for me many years ago. He handpicked every single flower. i have such an awesome group of friends its unbelievable. i just want you girls to know how beautiful you are in His eyes and mine. so blessed.

take my life and let it be

by Frances R. Havergal, Feb 1874

take my life and let it be, consecrated, Lord, to Thee
take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise
take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of thy love
take my feet, and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee.

take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
take my lips, and let them be, fill with messages from Thee
take my silver and my gold; not a mite would i withhold
take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine
take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne
take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure store
take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.