life is good.

i've got such wonderful people in my life! thank you Jesus.

been sick and been abstaining from yummy things like pineapple tarts which are my absolute weakness because i just don't wanto get worse.

and it din really help that i was appetiteless. so i was home alone on cny eve w/o food(that i can eat) and my dearest friend, mei ling offered to drive me out for lunch (at 3 pm!)even though she din have the car! (we don't know how of coz)anyhows anyways, its the thought that counts! most touched especiallywhen we know it'll be a tiring hunt for food when almost everything is closed for business.

and den she had to put up with my tantrums demanding for cake. i was even unreasonable enough (its the fever i tell you) to suggest that we go to mustafa, which will be open to buy cake mix to bake cake. BECAUSE I MUST HAVE CAKE.

den i was complaining to shuxin abt how i wun get to eat the wonderful pineapple tarts sitting in the kitchen coz im sick and when ive recovered, they would have been devoured ...
and today she msged me to tell me shez baking some for me so that i will get to eat pineapple tarts this season! it was such a sweeeet gesture although it brought back memories of the brownies she baked which smelt good but were tasteless. (usually i call things like that dog food but hush)

she confirmed my point when i told her i was so touched by saying .." wait till you taste them"

in any case, i feel most loved lah and thats all i need to get well anyway!(and some good pineapple tarts)

i've got most wonderful friends lah.

then isaac, the reigning best sweetest bf in the world was also very sweet and sweet because hez oso sick but he still eat pineapple tarts for me on my behalf. (im good at consoling myself) den he listen to me talk in my most croaky voice and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

life is good.

don't cry

I believe when they put her in the ground
I think they buried part of me
Because I've been searching, I've been looking all around
But I cannot find the heart of me, the heart of me

So I'll put my fingers in this soil upon her grave
And I will plant for her a garden
And every flower, a reminder of her face
Will grow up graceful as a pardon

And all that grows is her story told
As life unfolds here before us
The peace I've found in this broken ground
I can see her in the harvest...of all that I have sown

Long before I was covered up in gray
Before the old had bent my bones
We grew our children in the red Georgia clay
They were our garden and our home

And all that grows is our story told
As life unfolds here before
The peace we found in that broken ground
I can see them in the harvest...of all that I have sown

And when my life is done
I pray the kingdom come
And take me to Glory
It's living inside me
It was planted like a seed
All to tell a story

I believe when they put me in the ground
There will remain a part of me
Because I've been seraching and the joy that I have found
Is living in my family...it's all that I have sown

-bebo norman-

the cake monster is hungry

now i'll make you hungry

the dark side

i'm feeling so miserable i honestly just wanto be a brat. (and i'm not too far from it)

i've been in a semi comatose state since i started medication and it has honestly done me no apparent good because 1) i still have a fever 2) i still have alot of phlegm.

i'm exasperated and frustrated and this illness happens to coincide with cny. the ONE festival i'm actually really involved in but not excited about. there i see the relatives from that ONE side of the family that i hv no desire to see at all. infact, i think once a year is way too much to meet up. and my so called family is obviously oblivious to my flu. maybe the only way to get them to notice is to cough some phlegm out on them. decorate them with my phlegm. (bright sunny yellow)

ok the evil me is raging and shez back.

this festival, this time, this season, this family is not allowing me the rest that ME as a sick person should be entitled to. not allowing me the care and extra dosage of love that i shd be given. wait a minute...what love?

obviously im feeling a bit bitter and angry. and obviously i'm lying through me teeth when i say i'm just ABIT BITTER AND ANGRY. i leave it all up to you guys to interpret and read me. it darzen help the least bit that isaac quek is completely uncontactable.

excuse me now, i have to go sneeze and cough on someone.

almost

i was talking to shuxin on msn and i nearly jumped off my chair when she started sharing abt her dad's business and all. for a moment or two, i was truly envious. there i was erupting with business ideas but w/o the means to execute a single one but she could so easily.

but its ok. i am so happy for my grown up friend because we used to be such ding dongs together back in mgs. and really all we cared for was our shopping allowance. now that we have moved on to other people's shopping budget and allowance, i can safely say that yes, we've grown quite a bit.

someone help me to rest. i sit in bed nursing my flu and i just explode in my head with ideas and ideas n more ideas. and a deep sense of helplessness coupled with a few shots of excitement. i'm so excited abt the idea of executing it yet i feel so helpless coz i need the expertise and the CAPITAL.

offers have trickled (not poured) in to fund my ideas but wisdom arrests me and gently suggests that i should probably do alot more homework and learn first, from the veterans and i guess that makes my job the perfect place to be in. coz i meet retailers from start ups to renowned ones on a daily basis.

at this point i really need to relax and rest a lot more and concentrate on getting well but its tough when i'm so activity-oriented. God help me. i dream so big and while many say its a good thing, i wonder (still) if any of it will materialise. because the fear of disappointment still lingers. because i see my own disability and i wonder. if its ever achievable. so while both feet are firmly planted on the ground and my head inthe clouds, i need some help in flapping my wings to fly.

i can sniff heaven already. still jogging in circles and picking up momentum but not quite there yet.

silly me, someone remind me its never about me and yes its all achievable. by Him and His divine empowerment. thats what i like about grace. not just being undeserved but a divine empowerment to execute so so much.

all for the glory of Jesus.

sick lamb updates

sick lamb updates

oh no. life might be going in another direction that i'm not too prepared for. what i'm currently doing darzen seem to be reaping much results. although i've garnered quite a massive impressive contact base. but thats abt it (or at least seem so to the naked eye)

at this point, i'm no longer as averse to change than say a few months ago whereby i just wished for nothing but constancy. so far all the changes that have been brought about only brought good and benefits. so never mind the initial jitters, God will see me through till i reach my promised land.

for now i pretty much still feel that i'm still in the wilderness. progressing steadily but not quite there. i know i have to be somewhere but progress seems to be quite slow. i don't even know where i am on the road map so theres no way to gauge how far more i hv to go.

but its ok. He knows.

that aside, the only reason i'm blogging is because i'm down with a fever that wun go downand on mc. sure if eel weak and all, but somehow i'm happy or joyful rather. life is like that. i marvel at how God makes me laugh even when im in the pits without me losing the screws in my head. its magical i say...and i'm loving every moment. yes, even in the pits. i'm no longer the anxious fretful girl. if there was anything i really lacked in life, it was patience. and with renewed patience, somehow now i have the grace to wait even though in the natural, it just seems so deplete and incomplete.

i have Jesus and i truly have it all. i like to say this especially when i have nothing. because it seems even more ridiculous to the human mind and it defies logic and reason even more than ever. because i know my God has something up those magnificent white sleeves of His and Hez going to unleash it and lo and behold, jaws are gg to drop and isaac and will just chuckle. no sighs of relief this time coz this time around, we know. He has trained us well. after so many rounds of 'practice' whereby we hold our breaths in deep anticipation without knowing the outcome, this time we rest in a confidence greater than us.

stuck in a moment and i can't get out of it.

i just got reminded by my brother that 1995 was more than a decade ago.

most of you know i seldom ever if ever at all buy cds and every cd i buy must be quite something or a result of some massive impulsive streak that i have since managed to curb...quite successfully..

until i saw this today..
so now i'm somewhere stuck in the 90s. and don't try to borrow it from me k. its on repeat mode. and i'm on selfish mode.

what i really like

my pastor said something today that really struck me-that if we were still telling God that He shouldn't have allowed something in the past to happen, we have yet to learn the lesson.

the good news today is that He can really cause even that broken past, that lousy stupid mistake to work out for good. i don't really have an inkling as to what good it can possibly do but if giants were bread for champions in the case of Israel and jericho, i guess i'll just submit myself to the truth and let it amaze me.

i like how today turned out coz i was in such a frumpy miserable mood the night before. i like how my Father always surprises me with the pleasantest things. most of all, i thank the Lord that i can be joyful over nothing at all. an increasing trait i find in me these days, no matter how kancheong i am tempted to be or how dismaying the circumstances look. i celebrate the fact that i can laugh over nothing at all, and its not because someone is tickling me or if the screw up there is loose...

contrary to popular belief.

i also like the fact that everytime i cry, i can expect His comfort, His warmth, a hand to wipe away the tears/mucus, and a hug to make the pain ebb.

i am so enjoying the fact that i belong to Him and Him alone such that even when i'm the kancheong spider that i'm always tempted to be, i can expect grace and mercy.

i love how He loves me so much He diciplines me, He chides me with love, so that i can grow and not stay a brat now and forever more( phew).

a very short song

HOW YOU LOVE ME

hope came home
home to me today
and fear has run the other way
and words are weak
they don't know how to say
"You know i still believe in You"
and should my dreams fall through
i know i'll be safe with You
so with every breath i breathe
i'll sing about how You love me

-bebo norman

a reunion

today i found out for myself how it must have felt like to be like the blind man set free by Jesus, to be like the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus.

unlike the woman however, i had zero faith in me to even reach out and touch Him. i was low all over again and the physical symptoms only served to heighten my despair and served as a mockery to me. i felt that i was let down by Him, by the word.

judge me if you can't help it but that was truly so. then in the midst of the service my pastor received a word of knowledge and addressed my problem. my physical symptoms that were so unique and stubborn. He called me out through His faithful servant, my beloved pastor and there and i stepped out(i had no choice anyway, it was really just me), received prayer and got healed.

not just on the outside but on the inside too. its beyond description. a problem that has plagued me for so long and gave me so much trouble is finally gone. i couldn't reach out for Him so He reached out to me. i couldn't hear Him and He did all that was necessary to make himself heard. so that i would know His heart. so that Father and daughter could reconcile and there would be no more misunderstandings.

i was joyful, yet relieved and at peace. its a paradox of emotions, juxtaposed opposites. now i know i experienced mercy and grace anew. on a new level. and best of all, i walked away today knowing more and wanting to know more about my Father's heart for me.

never mind the theology, i feel loved and thats just that.

i wanted to shout and just run out and tell someone. so here i am. healed and whole by Jesus Christ.

brand new

its been awhile.

there was christmas and new year. yes, we're now in 2006 and everytime this year, i can most likely be found even on the 2nd day of the year still reeling from shock that yes, such a momentous event occurred. that being that a WHOLE year has passed.

despite having gone through this cycle 22 rounds, i never quite got over the phenomenon of how time passes. SO QUICKLY. and being overly nostalgic even over a lousy time/year, i get all sentimental and weepy over the past year. a part of me is still trapped in the past. from the time i was concious of time till like now. this year, i just want to live in the present and have hope for the future.

of coz that will be an enormous feat on its own.

theres nothing quite like 2005. it was a year of tremendous change and challenges and when asked to give a testimony for thanksgiving service, i was dumbfounded. simply put, i'm glad i survived 2005. it was an emotional whirlwind and i can't honestly say that true steadfastness in trust in my almighty God saw me through just fine.

i barely escaped unscathed. but once again, it was yet another year that will go down in my history of His sheer faithfulness and love. even when i misused the authority that He has bestowed on me, even when....

shall not go there as all is forgiven. uncovering my own mercy seat is another nono.

now that i'm in 2006, along with the rest of the world, all i ask for this year is really a greater more intimate walk with Him. so that mountains high or valleys low, i'll be calm on the inside and unstirred. truly walking worthy as a child of the Most High. there are bound to be valleys and circumstances cannot always be favorable but at the end of it all, i know i'll triumph. i know He has already overcome it all.

Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful
dear Lord You are faithful,
Like the rain that You bring and every breath that i breathe
You are so faithful oh lord

Like a rose, that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, dear Lord you are faithful
Like the life that You give, to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful O lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the waves
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful

when the stars refuse to shine
and time is no more
you'll still be faithful
you'll still be faithful my God.