me (working working on my computer at the workplace.
(weird things start appearing on the monitor. strange colors popping out from nowhere at all)
me (panics)
me (runs to the IT dept and looks for IT manager)
me: j!(IT manager) come help!my computer is sick! strange colors are coming out on my screen!
IT manager and me rush back to my desk.
IT manager sits down, reaches for the mouse.
me (anxious): so how??!?!
IT manager: excuse me, this is your screen saver hor.
me: .....
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live free and lightly"
Saturday, November 19, 2005
after a beautiful sat morning session with Jesus, this is what i gather..
i will never let my heart be broken again over broken promises of some human being. including myself.
its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.
somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.
i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.
i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.
isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.
ok pettiness go.
***
that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.
den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.
its not a startling new revelation but sometimes it requires some reminder. please don't wonder ' what did isaac do now?". hez been more than wonderful and i think i do more of the disappointing but looking at him, sometimes, i think hez truly the one with the heart and mind in the right place while i try to be omniscient too much ( i take after my Father) and have my heart and mind in every place under the sun.
somehow it seems that even after the worse of me, hez not surprised. on one hand, i'm glad he didn't have any grand illusions of what a wonderful perfect angel I am. on the other hand, i'm like...."BAH!!!its nice to be worshipped". no he darzen takeme for granted, (At least not now) but sometimes i wished people would see me and be impressed but of coz its just my puffy wishfulthinking coz i of all people know and know that nothing good dwells inside and outside me apart from the Holy Spirit.
i like the fact that i can feel so accepted with isaac no matter what and i think its the closest feeling that mirrors how i feel with God. i didn't get that with my family but i'm glad God more than provided with my future family. that no matter how low i sink, no matter what, i'm accepted not because i'm ME but because HE IS GOD. i'm so thankful for a man whose heart is so full of the Spirit that he can not see me in the natural, empty and decrepit but he had the spiritual insight to see what dwells within this plain empty vessel.
i feel so heartened to know that. i really do and these words don't do my sentiments justice. today i woke up early and sat down before God wondering and asking why am i still so self centered selfish and unchanged. please don't answer that question on His behalf. truly His goodness draws me to repentance and His spirit gives me the very ability to be all that i was ever created and redeemed to be.
isaac is not perfect and neither is our relationship. no chance abt seeing him as God so don't worry. we've faced severe disappointments before on our individual part thanks to each other and i don't think we're that stupid to put our hearts on the line but placing our expectations on each other. hmm...i STILL REMEMBER THE TIME HE PROMISED ME TO EAT (i can't remember what) WITH ME but we ended up not going because HE WAS TIRED.
ok pettiness go.
***
that aside, i did have a startling revelation before i fell asleep last night. i realised that the first time i really had a deep conversation with isaac was outside the toilet of our ex cg leader after cg. we were both queing and although i was quite urgent ( dunno abt him) i kinda wish the person inside will takelonger so that i can talk more to him before we have to go join the rest of the grp again.
den when he asked me to be his gf (ok hedin actually ask..but thats another story altogether) it was also outside the toilet!! not very romantic i know but ok u see the pattern! God has a weird sense of humour. and i obviously take after Him.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.
Thats exactly how i've been feeling and although i feel slightly (ok alot actually) hard pressed, His constant encouragement keeps me buoyant and above the situation. and i am so grateful.
its been awesome in the sense that though situations and circumstances aren't all too favorable, i've knowing and seeing His heart for me better and somehow, while the outside can sometimes be so heartwrenching and tumultuous, i can still relish the sweet comfort of His presence in my life.
my journey with Him issnt perfect and i know that He wants more of me. much much more than my hunger of Him. sometimes i find it appalling that i make Him wait (albeit patiently) for me to spend time at His feet when i'm one who absolutely hates waiting. patience has yet to take fruit in my spirit and i can totally understand the pain of waiting. i'm known to walk off and disappear and not to return after just 15 minutes and God knows how long He waited for me in the day just to take notice or pay attention to Him. He must have waited ages just to say ' i love you'.
***
had lunch with adelene today and i was hoping to see belle too. i missed them both so so much. these two girls have been with me since i was like 9 and have seen me through so much of my life. i was so sorry to realise that i havent been around for them as much as i ought to.
girls, i'm so sorry. love you so very much. pls just call!
met jon and eunice later on in town. both are back on holiday and eunice was a complete surprise. not that she wazznt welcomed of coz. these two are two other people whom i absolutely love and were responsible for bringing so much sunshine and laughter into my life. we had so much fun and i'm so comforted to know that this aspect totally din change. i love them so much. eventhough i was a tad bit taciturn as i was so so tired. but i had good fun just hanging out and getting endless updates on the who's doing what since ive been so out of the loop
den after that wat happened was just so divinely bizarre. met my jc teachers who brought us to meet our principal whom they're gg to have a farewell tea with as hez leaving the college. den we talked and laughed and even ended up taking a picture together (above). i miss them so much.
ok i typed alot here but blogger at it all up.
just wanted to say how much i miss and cherish these people. timezones, physical distances and even hectic schedules might stand in the way of these beautiful friendships but i just pray that we will never betoo busy to just spare a moment now and then to remember each other and say a prayer. coz soemtimes thats all it takes to keep the friendship going.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
lamb in lion's clothing.
too many moments,
i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.
scared.
sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.
i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.
its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.
the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.
good riddance.
i felt like Gideon before going to war.
i felt like Moses after a looong time in the desert.
i felt like Joshua trying to step into Moses' shoes.
scared.
sometimes fear looks me into the face and i just look away in erm..fear. i cower and i even attempt to hide. unfortunately or fortunately, i can never escape and it finds me. but praise be to God, somehow Hez always there. and inspite of the fear, inspite of shaking like a leaf onthe inside and outside, inspite of having m y heart in my mouth, somehow...i make it.
i can't describe how terrifying the feeling really is. how i actually lose sleep hwo i actually sweat buckets, cry out of sheer helplessness and even nearly pass out out of sheer fear. its amazing how i allow a defeated spirit to defeat me sometimes when the spirit within me is so much more victorious and powerful.
its unfathomable but through it all, its yet another journey of seeing His faithfulness. really. im at a point in my life whereby i'm actually appreciating difficulty and trials..because i know with each time, i know God better, i know HIs love for me more intimately and i come out stronger. i'm a different woman each time i emerge.
the day is fast approaching and i earnestly await whereby nothing fazes me. and when the spirit of fear fears me. when perfect love truly casts out all fear. when the shalom of God baptizes my soul and rids it of every trace of doubt and worry.
good riddance.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
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