i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch
Sunday, October 30, 2005
backtrack..the other things i found in my drawer
i used a blackmarker to color my hair in the photo. which explains the black patch
neoprints
sorry about the fuzzy picture. i just dinno how to use MY camera. love the pic on top row, 2nd from left.its funny how i always find something else when i am actually looking for something else.
things like that only happen to people with messy rooms.
was ransacking my room and drawers looking for a card and i found a whole packet of neoprints from a time long long ago. and i was going thru them one by one...its amazing hwo the colors are still so good.
i found myself laughing out loud over almost everything and sighing intermittently...i found the 'me' that i used to be all over again. the giggly giggly AND giggly me. i WAS such a comic and it was so clear in the neoprints. unlike now, i'm all sophisticated and serious. =)
my favorite neoprint friends were winnie, adelene, mei ling and cali. God knows how much we spent on those machinesthat just go 'haik chee zee' every 2 seconds. God knows why we did what we did and found it addictive. maybe we secretly allt hink we look good lah and we din have hp cameras or digi cams to tote around. afterall, it was THAT long ago. and honestly, i think we looked fantabulous. it was picture after picture of joy and craziness (the good kind) and fun and laughter. no make up, no fancy clothes, just us and our uniforms and genuine smiles.
maybe we should recreate those moments again someday.
btw, my favorite neoprint (as of today) is the one with mei ling and cali..but only my face can be seen. haha.blame it on the small screens...i was trying to pose as a cow and in that few seconds, unknowingly blocked out cali's face.mei ling escaped though. just by an inch. oops. not because of my fat cheeks ....i don't remember them being very happy about that shot.(above)
Friday, October 28, 2005
she is back!!!
this is going to be a long post...
i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!
yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.
anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.
anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.
found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"
of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.
i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.
some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.
i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.
thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.
i know so because 1) i havent blogged since so long ago 2) so much has happened!!
yesterday i had a meeting with my director. for the unintiated, i've been holding the little fort (literally) on my own for awhile since my trainer left and its been daunting, crazy, confusing all at the same time. at least for the first few days but things are MUCH better now. although i still encounter technical difficulties here and there and in general...difficulty everywhere.
anyway, back to the meeting. i never thought it'd happen coz she seemed so busy and i din think i was important enough. yes, just the two of us forthe meeting coz i was supposed to tell her whether i wanted to continue working with her. yes, and that called for a meeting. in the nice meeting room.
anyway, really really, back to the meeting. i was so touched halfway through i was trying to hold back my tears because i realised how awesome how awesome God has been to me and caught a slight glimpse of His favor upon my life. and nothing i've earned or done to deserve it really...infact, i din even mention it once in confessions or whatever, i wondered if i even truly believed it. however, of late, especially during the last two weeks beforei entered the job, i've been enjoying a more intimate walk with God and gosh, i just pray our relationship deepens so much i can't tell the difference between me and Him.
found out in the meeting that i was selected out of 100 over applicants even though i was the least qualified in every true sense of the word. infact, the management was really apprehensive about hiring me because i had ZERO experience, an irrelevant degree and i appeared so nervous and mousey. but this director (praise God for her) decided on me simply because, (in her own words) that she really liked me. it wazznt an official criteria to hire someone on most HR policies but fortunately,its the general hidden invisible guiding principle of almost every employer. that's where my Father works His power, directing the heart of kings. there and then, i was so overwhelmed by God's love that He chose simple empty me to shower so much favor upon..so much so that my director had to insist to hire me and offer me a chance to learn in this big world. most were supposed to go thru three interviews but i ended upwith only two...in the words of my boss if i may quote her "you entered via the backdoor and got the job"
of coz, i didn't know these things until yesterday.
i am really just me but He is really awesome. i cannot boast about anything because i know the pit from which i was dug from. and i saw what He did inspite of my apparent lack. i wanto be so empty that Jesus will be all i carry on the inside of me. i want that more than ever these days and i'm sure its not just because of the tremendous amount of favour and grace i've experienced in the work place.
some days i just have the impulse to run off to the toilet and cry (except that i have no time to) because i feel so stupid and helpless in a position which is above what i can do in the natural but His sweet comfort was there to wrap me up and bind up the little self-inflicted wounds on my self esteem. His arms were there to hold and embrace me when i am so down and weary i felt like i was falling into an abyss. no matter what, where i go, Hez there and His presence has never been so tangible i'm almost sure people around me felt it.
i might never ever have enough time when the activities of life consume my time and leave me with so little but my prayer is that i'll never not have enough time to spend at His feet and testify of His goodness that dissolves me into sheer nothingness. even in this little space, i hope someone was encouraged. because i've been discouraged only too often to know how horrid that feels. because i've felt forgotten and believed the lie that i'm nobody to everybody only to realise the truth in shame that i'm somebody to God.
thanks for the prayers, the encouragement and most of all the love. a lot of what I am today is crafted by your prayers. and i wanto return the favour...allow me to pray for you. just drop me a msg to let me know.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
philippians 4:6-7 (the message)
" don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life"
Sunday, October 16, 2005
lesson two and day one.
lesson two today was super tiring but went by just as fast. i wazznt good with my turns so the instructor made me do nothing but turns. but this time in the heavy heavy rain. i was so cold and wet and his slow drawl din help. i really wanted to be home sleeping.
driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.
had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...
ramble ramble.
first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....
i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.
phew.
driving really takes so much out of me. time money energy...i feel so exhausted after a 100 minute session and it darzen help at all that my speed is like barely past 0 km/hr.
had theory lessons with jo that day and it was just as boring. i felt my heading finding its way to just rest on the table and it took alot of dicipline just to sit upright. it felt like being in jc coz jo and i were always down on the table sleeping ever so often. and she sat right beside me back then too. now, many (many) mths later(12x4 or is it 12x5?), we're back where we were. i think its quite divine. its either we're meant to fall asleep in classes together or the sleeping anointing is extra strong when we're both around. ah well...
ramble ramble.
first day of work tmr and i'm pretty excited. i can't imagine how excited my father God must be as his daughter prepares to march into a big adult world. i'll hide behind the shepherd as he clears the way. i really need so much grace and i so know where i stand as i'm the least qualified.(or so my employers tell me but oh well, Jesus is my qualification for heaven so this shd not be a prob at all). im excited for HIs grace to be actualised in my life if the position is from Him. its a one mth strict probation thingy so things will only be finalised after this mth. so pls remember me in your prayers....
i guess its only when you are asked to do things you have no inkling about and inexperienced with that God can truly come in full force coz u're as helpless as a lamb. it will so totally be the case for me tmr. i have 1.5 days of orientation before i'm required to learn everything in a mth and perform like a pro (somewhat). and may the blood of the lamb cover my blurness and tracks. shield me with mercy and favor and guide and lead me every single step of the way and anoint my tongue and grant me wisdom liberally.
phew.
my adventures.
i hate the thoughts of unease and stress that are assaulting my mind right now.i want them to go away and let the peace of God flood in so i can sleep.its sunday and i have to wake up early for church and i have driving (lesson TWO) after that.i need my sleep.
go away thoughts go away.
i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.
had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.
the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.
i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"
and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".
he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.
pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.
go away thoughts go away.
i think too much. i worry to much...in advance. and i'm trying to grapple with the inability to be at rest in my heart and soul.
had quite an eventful saturday. because i had my first practical driving lesson.
the instructor din think much of me and my driving potential anytime soon and i don't blame him. i somehow couldn't brake/accelerate gently enough and resulting in alot of shocks and jerking forwards. his blood pressure shot up and down and i found myself apologizing profusely ever so often. i was screaming alot in the car also out of sheer anxiety and panic. i cannot turn properly even after 1000 tries. i made him laugh so hard he was almost in tears.
i ask questions like "WHY IS THE CAR NOT MOVING?!?!" only to receive this reply..." BECAUSE YOU"RE STEPPING ON THE BRAKE!!"
and "AHHH WHY IS THE CAR GOING SO FAST!?" only to hear him say (with much exasperation), " hello, you're at 30km/hr lor".
he had one hand holding on to the handle above his seat and the other ON MY steering wheel helping me steer as i try to steer. each time i shriek, he jumps.
pray for me pls. i so do not have the courage to hit the roads. but i don't wanto spend forever in the circuit.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Saturday, October 08, 2005
saturday
isaac and i went shopping at tecman today and chalked up more than a hundred bux of purchases. after discount.after alot of restrain.
went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....
and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.
went over to mei ling's place last night to watch cold case because she taped it for me last week when i went for wedding. after the show i sorta joined her for dinner. i refused initially den later helped myself to half a bowl of rice. but i din go beyond that!otherwise the rest of hte family will have nothing to eat....
and i'm still thinking abt the tomato chicken and fish. today.
Friday, October 07, 2005
in a nutshell
My computer has been kinda down and its been a challenge for me especially since i always had this inherent IT phobia. yep. i abhor all things technological that don't operate as they ought to and they've managed oh so frequently (IN THE PAST) to drive me to new heights of insanity and threaten to give me more split ends. but i think as of this time, as of last night, i think that phobia is nicely buried (somewhat) in the grave.
been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.
i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...
been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.
sigh.
den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.
what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.
lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)
been having a rather busy week with truckloads of overdue testimonies and thoughts that i've lost track of and hence can't record. i won't know how to begin anyways.
i finally signed up for driving and am at lesson TWO of basic theory right now. its quite a mean feat for me because i've just never really bothered and a few of my friends can attest to that. i signed up with them 3 years ago and went for a grand total of 1 lesson before donating my 150 bux registration fee to BBDC. so 3 years later, im back there. starting from scratch and this time, by the sheer grace of God granting such a miracle, i'll see it to the end. hopefully i'll get it way sooner than i expected. before my patience runs out yet again...
been wanting to be the 'useful prov 31 gf' to my dear isaac but of coz, i guess its not time for him to reap the harvest of his patient sowing yet. wanted to help him out with some housekeeping stuff now that hez living alone such as laundry so that he can concentrate on the overwhelming schwork. BUT, i arrived at his house, plonked on his bed and never woke up until it was dinner time. needless to say, he did the laundry alone and cleaned everything up alone and had toleave the room to study OUTSIDE because i was sleepin gand the lights had to be off.
sigh.
den today i turned up at BBDC 3 hrs early for my driving lesson because i got the timing wrong. ended up spending 3 hours with Jesus at westmall. but it turned out for good coz i chanced upon 1 chron 17. i am so not an old testament fan and infact, i seldom dare to venture to the unfamiliar texts there for fear that i'll scare myself too much with the cheem everything. but the Lord led me there and i nearly bawled away at westmall's burger king reading the part about God cutting a covenant with David and His goodness towards David just overwhelms me. David really echoed the sentiments of my heart when he asked God who is he that God might show him such great favor and do so so so much for him. all he wanted was to build God a house and God refused and offered to build him a house AND establish his kingdom FOREVER via his seed (Jesus Christ). ah bah.
what really struck me the most was the first few lines when david consulted nathan about building a house for the Lord and nathan told him to do as his heart says so because GOD IS WITH HIM. go figure. that really spoketo me...esp at this particular stage of my life. released me big time from somuch fear of the uncertain ..whcih is just about almost everything.
lastly (and abruptly bcoz my tv show has started), HAPPY BDAE ANNABELLE! ive known you since we were 9 and i'm so glad u're still in my life. wishing you the bestest ...=)
Saturday, October 01, 2005
remember to Whom you belong
"i am His, by Him created; I am His, by Him redeemed; I am twice His, by original right and by purchase; I am His, and He will defend me, He will correct me, He will make use of me, He will love me, He will delight in me. I am my Beloved's and no one else possesses either right or power over me, except according to His will. he is mine, and all that is mine is His. All my sin, all my weakness, all my condemnation, all my misery, all my fears, all my shortcomings, I give to Him. They are His. His strength is my strength; His righteousness is my righteousness; His wisdom, His holiness, His salvation is mine and His God is my God. His Father is my Father. His breathren my brethren. And His heaven my home. For I belong to Him, and He is mine."
Kathryn Kulman.
**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.
Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.
Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.
no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .
i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.
im so glad.
Kathryn Kulman.
**
last night (early this morning rather) , i was reminded how He was my only friend, my only companion who stood by me through and through from the day i arrived on earth to the day i got saved, through those dark lonely nights with tear-soaked pillows and right through the endless days till where i am today.
Hez been faithful throughout even when i don't see His hand at work. even when i played doubting thomas, even when i forgot whose i am. even when...God there are too many 'even when's. i cried and cried remembering how He held me close as a child that even in my limited understanding, i knew God's name was Jesus and He loved me even when i thought no one else did. afterall, i was skinny, ugly, blur girl.
Jesus loved me even when i couldn't love myself. and He still does now that i'm 22. sometimes acting upon and assuming my own strength, thinking i'm all grown up only to realise i'm horribly wrong. He still corrects me as a Father does to His child and in His correction, i realise, what little i am without Him. I need Him in the big things, the small things the every single little thing. I need Him in my heartbreaks to ease the sorrow and pain. I need Him when i'm joyful because Hez the source itself. I need Him every minute. and Hez always been there. Infact He knew before i knew how much i'd need Him He left for the cross more than 2000 years ago so that He could come in to dwell in me as i walk this earth.
no one , (thankfully) can rob my deep-seated KNOW that Jesus knows me, Jesus loves me even though He knows everythign abt me and was there even before i knew Him as a 4 year old. the years do not diminish His love for me although it diminished my passion for Him as worldly affections have stolen my allegiance and attention. my child-like innocence evaporated and so did my unquestioning faith and trust in my Father. But no one can rob that relationship. because even when i rant and rave and misunderstand and get angry and utter words in anger at Him, even though it hurts and breaks His heart, i am still His and nothing can change that. He had a choice and He chose to love me.chose to see me through chose to want me. and now , i'll forever be glad that i chose Him. I have forgiveness even before i apologize .
i'm so glad He chose to give me an eternal security in the fact that He'll never leave me nor forsake me even though He knew that more often than not, i'll take Him for granted. He chose to give me security and win me over with His ways of love and not to threaten to leave as many couples have been suggested so as not to take each other for granted.i believe the way of Jesus is to give even if there is no chance of returns. afterall, what i can give Him was given BY Him in the first place. i'm glad His affections and love will never change. i'm glad that His love will change me instead.
im so glad.
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