the invitation for everyone.

for anyone and everyone

there might be nothing in you to make anyone or God love you. But there is something in HIM that causes Him to love you. Its in His character. Within is infinite love, grace, mercy and acceptance.

you can come as you are. Jesus has qualified you to stand before the most high God.

just a cry is all it takes for those strong arms of love to come envelope you and turn your darkness into light.

the joy luck club

i can't write more except that i cried and cried to this movie. again.

i don't know why but it hits a raw nerve.

of course i know why. who am i kidding besides myself.

the emptiest day

i need a release from my pent up soul so here i am.coz blogger with all its glitches and faults still prove to more faithful and trustworthy den say....msn and some of my 'friends'.

don't worry. He has heard me. so has he.but i just need to repeat this just ONCE more. allow me..

am so peeved right now and as many of you prob already know, i started working. i cant mention where and wat i do here although its really NO BIG deal but because...simply because...i don't wanto take any chances and disclose anything here.

this is prob not a big deal to so many of you facing bigger challenges and its not a big deal to me but i really need to be delivered out of this stage of my life. i feel suffocated and i just know its so painful to stay where i am. not because i hate what i do...but it just feels wrong.

i love the people. ok..maybe i don't like one person quite very much. (ok very very much) but its just not right. but i can't leave. yet.

and i can't find anything iwant. i went for one interview which i thought was something i would sooo want only to have a sinking feeling the moment i stepped in. no , i wassnt dismayed because of the aesthetics of the office. i just had a sick gut feel in me. as i advanced further into the waiting area...i saw lines of idols greeting me. ok that xplains the sick feeling. and it was a friday night and people are still in the office at 6 plus....and i found out later they dun leave until much much later.coz theres just too much work.

that aside, even the job description din look too appealing. it was somewhat akin to modern day slavery and everything inside and outside me was so repulsed by it.

den i got my taxi queue cut twice. den i was taxiless. den some idiot decided to stop his lorry where i was, wind down his window and whistle and spew crap out of his filthy being. so while keeping eye contact, i pretended to call the police and noting down his license plate. suddenly enlightened, he sped off. what a pity. i was so in the mood to chat up any policeman/woman. i was also so int he mood to crucify the people who cut my taxi queue.

i was so discouraged. i wanto leave the present job so badly and yet i met with another bummer and now i suddenly don't know wat i really wanto do anymore. at all.

and it darzen help that cold case really really inspires me to be a detective.

bahhhh.
ram ewe

return me to the cross

i can revisit the cross ten thousand times over and glance at 10000 facets of God's greatest act of love for me on the cross and it'd still never be enough for me to fully comprehend, fully understand, fully lap it all up.

life began there for me in His death. and the Father truly spared not His own son for me. He held nothing back. for me. It PLEASED Him to send Jesus there to take on my suffering and sins. its still mind blowing today after 9 years. it still baffles me and i pray it never stops. the surge of hope comes back once more no matter how long i've spent downcast when i revisit the cross where my Savior died to purchase an eternity, a relationship for me.

***

i turn 22 in a few minutes.

and there is just so much to be thankful for. have been shouldering some burdens on my little shoulders and its been honestly back breaking (literally too) and today in church, my beloved pastor, whom i wassnt close to (afterall i'm so new) or knew anything in the natural just sensed it and spoke out certain things that God told him that i was going through. its nothing spectacular and even addressed a physical illegal pain that has decided to inhabit my temple of the holy spirit unconciously. little gestures of love...to let me know once again that He knows, He cares and Hez right there. no big revelation apparently but its a big deal to me.

no detail too tiny for someone who loves you.

makes me feel so precious and loved and gives me the strength to lift my head and raise my hands in praise. my wonderful savior and father, all over again.

had a wonderful weekend of celebrations of some sort over the weekend. truly beautiful and i could just see how much time they (God and His isaac) spent to make this special for me. nothing spectacular in the natural but i was truly genuinely touched by their endless streams of love that kept flowing relentlessly. i was not well enough to enjoy it completely but the comfort and love that flooded into my little stony heart was more than i could really bear. and thankfully, it was also more than the pain in my body.

i will give up trying to fathom why they see wat they see in me and agree with them, only by faith and humility that it is true. all of Jesus, none of me. i'll disregard the old person, crucified with Christ and put to death once and for all and embrace all the life that has been purchased for me at the price of His precious blood. the celebration of my life and His goodness will never end and i believe that even in heaven as i speak, even in my heart as i speak, they are celebrating the day i was birthed and most of all, the day i was resurrected and returned home to my Father.
***
and here's my oscar moment.
so, thank you. to You my Father, God, redeemer, savior, friend.

thank you to my laughter package. my big blessing. the only one who co owns my heart with Jesus.
thankyou to my dearest friends, (yes, i've amended it to err iron age friends after violent protests).adelene, belle and mei ling! thank you for remembering and gracing my heart and life with your beauty and love.these friendships survived time space and distance and even long dark ages and is truly tough as iron only because Jesus keeps it. amen?
thank you for all those who remember even though we've been out of touch. jos, thank you!
thank you jon, for calling even though i'm so chiong hei and its so expensive to call and still thinking that i'm worth it. (unless u were lying) GOOD BOY.
and jo!my young and younger friend. best roommate of all time!
and NIQ!u've been the bestest brother. ever.putting up with the worst of me and blessing me and isaac so so so much. it takes alot of faith to believe in me, believe in us and we're so glad to have you in our journey.
thanks eugene, for remembering. for staying in my life.somehow.
and cali too. i love you
and pammy, my fellow 5 stomachs friend. =)

my 3 minutes is up.i've gotta get off the stage.

if glass doors could talk...

glass door 1: (bemoans) AHhh..shez coming shes coming
glass door 2: yah u're right- braces ITself-

glass door 1: i bet she won't see us again. why does she have to work here?why are we made of glass?why oh why?
glass door 2: -sigh of resignation-
a few seconds later...

the crash occurs.

i walked into the glass door again.

Enlightened.

In the councils of eternity, I was being discussed. Great plans for my future were laid out for me. Plans to give me a future and a hope and a life so abundant that this world will never fathom or know. So rich and bright that its blinding to the mortal man.

So although i don't see it, although i am only living a tiny fraction of it, that knowledge brings me unrivalled comfort joy and peace. i want to know more to know better. and its humbling to know always that inspite of me, i am still loved and..accepted.

In a day and age whereby true acceptance is rarer than a dinosaur, i am savouring and relishing every bit of it. i don't fit easily into many people's lives and am find great difficulty rooting myself anywhere. no one has my allegiance except for a selected for and of coz the only living God, Jesus Christ. yet, a piece of me is demanded and many try to sway my choices in life. its especially heart wrenching when i discover (albeit much later) that every choice i make might end up qualifying or disqualifying me in man's eyes.

but hallehlujah! today i proudly declare (even if no one reads this lonesome blog) that my highest qualification (as asked in a job resume) is not my rather worthless B.A but Jesus Christ who shed His blood for me. because i only have this to rejoice in, in it i rejoice. and to me, it is truly more than enough.

rejection from anyone you care and love and truly want to be a part of your life is truly difficult and painful and i must be quite blessed to have ...hmm..lets say at least 5 firm people of God in my life that are there to cheer me on in this journey and show me how enjoyable this journey can be.

i've been to a dark place whereby i've been a hermit because i just refused to try anymore to validate myself or my choices. seeking human approval is a vicious process and i will have no part in this malicious business anymore. i'll be who i am, who God made me to me and glory and revel in all of it while looking forward to more. i'll stop beating myself up over the mistakes of a bygone era or even 5minutes ago and truly embrace all that Jesus is because that is afterall, ME.

i am crucified with Him. and i died before i truly lived. but ironically (and thankfully) it is in His death i live forevermore and i'll celebrate that. amidst the shifting circumstances, darkness, gloom and doom.

i will soar on.

recent events and MY FIRST TIME ADDING PHOTOS

convo pics.centennial class of 2005
(i had alot of trouble balancing that lousy mortar board)

in light of the recent events, i have come to cherish the people i love alot more. at least i hope so. i don't necessarily have a chance to express it but i really do.

i don't know how they manage to find grace to stay in my life even after they've seen the ugliest of me. the worst and still love me. but i know its truly a testament of how much God loves me. i've had some aid recently recounting the colorful memories we had together (esp the days in MGS)and boy am i thankful i led a life so colorful because of the wondrous gems i have.

i don't know how i can laugh and cry harder with anyone except with them and totally be myself. or at least try not to conceal what i really am. thank you so much. i wish they are reading this. i can't replace these people in my life..especially one. since sec 1.

i never thought we'd be the firm friends and staunch eating kakis that we are today but here we are and more to come. i never thought our friendship could survive the change of class in sec 2...yes this was really my confidence level in our friendship but God has truly proven himself faithful. she truly grew up with me or rather..watched me grow up. she befriended me when no one took the slightest notice of me. in a myriad of drop dead gorgeous girls, i easily faded into oblivion and stood out because haha..i was far from ordinary.i was erm..extraordinary in a not so nice way. God put me right smack infront of her and i was painfully shy and despite having a thousand reservations (i think its about a 1000++) she became my friend.eventhough i did uncool things like collect phonecards. even when...there are too many 'even whens'.

even when i was truly in despair. and when the darkness is too overwhelming, because of her, i knew i was never truly alone. somehow, light even broke through because of the light that lives in her.

of coz there are many many more that my beloved savior have since added into my life. from church and of coz isaac quek. and a shoutout to those from the stoneage..namely annabelle and adelene...thanks for growing up with me.now go your way...i love you two.but im staying at 21.go ahead and grow old. go gogo.

i must be so blessed. i must be so loved.inspite of me.

thank you Jesus.

who am i?

that memory is etched indelibly in me i can't erase it.and its so back to haunt me.

my convocation is in a few hours and thats why its here.togive me the same jitters.

always had trouble responding to my name. maybe because of the numerous variations that have been concocted. it sounds different everytime someone says it. at least it is the case to me. many pple i know remember screaming for me in canteens, in town, in the toilet, before i walk into the lampost etc....but failed to get a response.

but this was really the classic quintessential incident.
when i was 6, graduating from kindergarten...i was sorta the 'valedictorian' fo rmy class. basically all i had to do was collect all the scrolls on behalf of the graduating class when they called my name. and bow abit.

and despite making 3 announcements for me, and i was standing right there on the stage, ididn't respond and the whole audience just stayed there stunned. i wazznt paying attention. i was looking for my parents in the crowd and got so distracted i didn't hear my name being announced over and over..until someone pushed me from behind or something...and i scuttled forward.

and of coz all this was recorded on tape.

and tomorrow will come in a few hours and here i am playing endless scenarios in my head of myself tripping, with my batgirl suit (graduation gown) falling off somehow OR...not responding when my name is called.

a farewell-Rocky (1990-2005)

it will never be the same

he belongs to my firm friend of what must be 10 years now.

i've grown to love him in my own unique way. and somehow he ended up being my pet topic with many..old and new friends alike. as if he was mine sometimes.

i would talk endlessly about his queer habits and often jibed him for all his quirkiness.

he was a unique dog and unique in this case is just a euphemism for queer and weird. =) i remember being so scared of him.because he drools so much. because i thought he was growling at me when he was yawning. but i've grown to find him so endearing. and now that hez gone, its hard to stomach that i'll nv see him again. nv scream.. when he yawns again. nv. coz he has gone to sleep for good.

he made me laughso hard sometimes i'd cry. because he is such an undog dog. because he'd walk on wet paint and then leave his little cute paw prints all around the parquet floor.

there are so many memories despite never having been mine. even though some of the accounts are second hand...it seemed that he'd be there to watch us girls get married and have kids and still play with our kids.

HE ADDED COLOR TO MY LIFE and this is how....

i laughed at him endlessly at the fact that he was hard of hearing and would respond to anything that rhymes with 'gy'. His name is rocky but he'd respond if you called him piggy.

he'd come running everytime there's food.i don't think i've known a greedier dog than him.and the time he swallowed the hot dog bun at a go and nearly choke

he'd share his food with birds and cats...and even the scary big dog nxt door.because he was such a coward.

he's scared of cats and chases birds. a dog who really doesn't behave like one.

he looks like a toy alsatian. so small even for his age.

he'd try to hard to seduce the neighbourhood bitches who are more often than not...many times his size.and how he always failed.

he'd drink water from the toiletbowl i was afraid to forget ever not to flush.


gah.goodbye rocky. now that u're in heaven i hope you can read this post. i really wanted to come over to say goodbye.

pardoned

i must really sound like a broken record but the past few days have been almost more than awful.

and i have rediscovered mercy anew at a heavy price.

i didn't realise that i was capable of causing so much hurt and pain and i thought in a particular case, i was the one extending free forgiveness. little did i know..that i was the one in need of forgiveness myself and that much of it because of what i had unwittingly put someelse through.

i can apologize a thousand times more and it wouldn't change a thing.neither can i or will i try to turn back the clock. neither is it of any use for me to beat myself over it..and sadly i tried.

and its hard for me to finally admit and come to terms that truly one perfect sacrifice is enough. the one on calvary and since i can do nothing but offer prayers, Jesus will restore unto the one i have unwittingly caused harm and hurt. the price has been paid and i don't have to pay. and restoration will come..much much more.more than i can ever hope to give back out of my bankrupted self.

ephesians 2:4-7
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,
even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),
and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

i dare not even look up and expect more of His kindness to be shown towards me. coz being blind to my own fault, i have gone on and on. but penance i will not pay. lest i insult His perfect work. i'll leave it all at the foot of the cross today and continue my journey..

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

caedmon's call-thy mercy

awesome journey

july 8th

this blog is a year old.
we are two years old. praise God.


its been a roller coaster and i've been yearning. for more of Him. it just never seems enough these days and i don't know where else to seek refuge in. but Hez been faithful and while i've come too close tolosing mymind onlytoo often, i know im bigger than that. my God and father is bigger than that. all that.

this week saw me going through emotional upheavals and very intimate sessions with Him. alot of the past was dug up, not just my past but my entire family's. and its basically a huge journey of discovery, abt myself and where i came from and my family. not just my immediate family but every uncle, aunty, cousin and even grandparents. i always wanted answers to the questions i had. i knew things were just not what they appeared to be on the surface and God has been faithful in unravelling the mysteries. now at least i know how to pray, and understand...abit more.

i still have many questions in my head that no mere mortal man can provide answers too. i'm still searching but i might need to let certain matters rest. maybe i'm not supposed to know.God kill the curiosity in me because there's no way i can find out. the answers were not be impt in anyway in my present or future but they pertain to a past that i no longer identify with and i just want the complete story. but i'll let God handle this. its beyond me and it'll wreck my mind and tear me apart if i continue on this elusive search. have since learnt that insisting on my way always leads to trouble. let His way triumph over mine...always.

been at hospitals alot more of late and its such a bleak sight of suffering and more suffering. i cant handle my emotions very well even if i'm barely related to the grieving ones. i literally choke back the tears and stand aside feeling helpless. i just want that touch that will part the sea for them and deliver the miracle they so hunger for but alas, i can only hope and believe with them. that God is still good. that He does not disappoint. that since we can't do anything, we'll patiently await Him.

somehow in the midst of all these, i'm more assured of His love and my standing in His heart more than ever. and its an awesome feeling and experience. to know that u're significant in the eyes of an almighty God who is watching upon an aching dying world slowly being enveloped by gross darkness. not many people know how siginificant they really are, me included, because we were never brought up to believe so. and when we're old enough to stepinto the world, our worth is measured by how we look, how we perform but never just..us.

He is also bringing the people that i love so much back into my life. and more to come. one is perenially lost. others resurface once every few years. i think if its anything, i have learnt to love people abit more (and more to come)....to let His love freely flow through me regardless of the history and hurts. its not always easy. sometimes the main difficulty is coaxing me to decrease and let Jesus increase but great things are in the works. of coz, there are others which i have to also learn to let go..all over again.

on a MUCH brighter note, my awesome savior prepared a wonderful wonderful day to commemorate the start of a love story He authored for me. and it was wonderful despite the glitches which only served to add humor and i am so grateful for it. we had a wonderful candlelight dinner after a day of celebrations. the food was good..ambience was perfect. truly. lights were supposed to be dim so that we can still see our food. until the blackout. hehe.den they played the wrong song ibelieve and the wedding march came out.i just burst out laughing.

oh well...love Him and him.
its an awesome journey.

to be or not to be?

the peril of human kindness.

i don't think people really understand how dangerous something so innocent can be. yes it is. potentially fatally dangerous and you can jolly well disrupt the work of God. imagine what would have happened if you offered food midway while the prodigal son was in the pigsty?he'd nv return to his father's house.

i wish i could tell some people that.somepeople i love who have the best intentions but have messed up things and created heaps of trouble by trying to HELP. yes, inconveniencing, creating conflicts and misunderstandings endlessly because they wanto help. i've had enough.and i've said enough. i am not even thankful for the intentions and motives behind themanymore. i find them truly bothersome irksome and irritating and i really wanto invite them OUT of my lives.but i know not how...

on the other side of the coin, neglect because of complacency or God knows wat reason is just as bad. this is just the other way of ruining a relationship.. and the middle ground can only be obtained..by His wisdom alone. neglect destroys too.

its too hard to strike a balance in life alone.