Tuesday, August 31, 2004

what love sees

love is not blind and it has the power to fulfil.

love sees potential. love sees beyond this realm. love sees beauty in ugliness. love sees and accepts unconditionally. love sees the faults and shortcomings but they never the overbearing element. love sees what no one else sees.

i just watched the passion and i am rather speechless.
after watching all that He went thru for me, i just cant help but ask Him if He still thinks its worth it. if I'm worth it.

apparently so. and this i will never know why.

i dun even bring praises to Him these days. i bring a whole load of complaints and tears. pain..grief..sometimes self inflicted because im still such a brat. He saw all these from the beginning but still wants to give me His kingdom. still wants me. still.



thus my heart was grieved,
and i was vexed in my mind.
i was so foolish and ignorant; i was like a beast before You
nevertheless i am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand
You will guide me with Your counsel
And afterward receive me to your glory

psalms 73

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Cali's the genius!

ok see the new feature to the right!?!?my friend cali did it for me and i just hafta put the credits here coz i didnt know how to and probs arose as in isaac's name became isaac adelene. its very funny i know ...i was laughing quite hard but not to him lah. so had to trouble cali again to do it again. so yah now its done. btw shez the one who helped me do alot of things abt the blog.i only know how to err..post an entry. AND change a template!pretty proud abt that..hehe.

thanks calii!*hugg*

love you...
the IT suaku

walls

Too many walls have been built in-between us
Too many dreams have been shattered around us
If I seem to give up they'll still never win
Deep in my heart I know the strength is within

Saturday, August 28, 2004

=)

if i dun make sense its because i didnt get enough sleep...

if i do..praise the Lord!

today i just found my thoughts drifting to the 'romances' in the Bible and how God brought all these couples together and well..the common denominator besides God is that they all dun haf a courtship period.what i also realised with this is that in the wee hrs of the morning when u cant sleep and u've stared at ur boring readings for the past 20 minutes, you wonder abt EVERYTHING.including of coz..what to eat for lunch.

in this day and age (esp in spore)whereby they say that u cant get married even when u haf a job because u need this and that and this and that first.lets call that point B. and to get to that point B u need to get thru point ai aii aiii aiv av avi etc. its so complicated and the journey alone is arduous.

this is in such a sharp contrast to the biblical figures. they asked from God..God delivered and there was like no courtship period?they just decided and committed and there it was. i mean thats so foreign to us!we wld nv imagine that happening. we cant just trust God alone here. we need to find out..to test..to trial and error..and if it darzen work out..hurray!we thank God that He will 'restore' one 7 times better. i dun doubt that He does and can restore but because of this alternative that is always available. ...so many pple..including myself have been tempted to call it quits at the first sign or second or third..of trouble.

it made me wonder what pple did back then if they encountered troubles of the same nature that we of this generation do. do they call it quits and trust God for restoration too?there definitely izznt any mention of 'breaking up' as far as i can remember. but correct me if i'm wrong coz im curious.i think like what God said to David when he went for bathsheba....the response shd be to ask Him for whateva more that we feel is lacking/not enough. i guess pple back then can do nothing much but pray. its either pray or stray lor.once decided, its pretty much two steps nearer to a covenant which you cannot break. its based so much on commitment and trust in Him.

its almost scary when i thought of that. its like..woah no way out. thats unfathomable in today's context but why do people want a way out?i know when it crosses my mind its because i can't think ofany other way around the problem. it seems huge unmanageable and its simply alot easier to give up. i look at the challenge ahead of me and before even considering bringing God into the picture, i simply decide that if its nothing i can handle, forgetit. its not worth the effort.
little did i realise..(until now) that no matter how much effort i try to overcome, i cannot. until God turns it around. He loves me too much not to bother abt any detail in my life that bothers me and if its anything remotely relatedto me, He has his attention on it and is all ready to spring into action to rectify things and set them right for me...if i'd allowed Him to.

problems are not exclusive to any relationship. its everywhere. human beings are problematic! and its been tried tested and proven. we can't handle anything on our own without God. if two people are brought together by God but chose to call it quits because they THINK they cant handle the challenge ahead, and simply move on waiting for someone else to come along...the same missle is going to strike that new relationship again. but praise be to God for with every problem challenge and doubt, He is our answer and help in time of need.

i know God can only trust me with His precious Isaac only if i trust Him with him. and vice versa. we are too precious to Him and too incapable in and of ourselves to love each other the way we wanto and the way He wants us to. and all is requiredo fme...as always is to rest and let Jesus' love be expressed thru me. if i dun rest, He can flow. i haveno choice...hallehlujah.


awake.

i was awake at 6 plus AM.
i woke up.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

revelation

i starting to see the picture. i might actually pass and NOT fail module my personal relationships #1001.

recently i've been just questioning just about everything abt my personal relationships with people.and its more than depressing. when it comes to this particular area, i am an utter failure all right. i have too many human expectations that no one can reach. and i honestly yearn for nothing but perfection. and by perfection it simply means...that everything goes my way. discreetly of coz...i give in sometimes. but otherwise, i really dun have it in me to compromise.

i have never been thought the fine art of relationships or relating to people in any moment of my 21 years. and the only reason why my close friends are still in myinner circle is because 1) sheergrace of God. 2) they dun have to live with me everyday. congratulations to them. they dunno what they really are spared from. i dunno either but i think its pretty close to hell on earth.

so recently, when i started inspecting these not too perfect areas in my life which matter so so much to me, i nearly just sat there and died. not good prognosis i see. not good at all. dismal. and its so sad to know that its people i love. icant be the least bothered if its pple i dun love. they can jolly well exit my life and i know this flippant attitude with people izznt all too good.but im not goin to digress and condemn myself there. its already condemned. at the cross..

but in the past few days its just nothing but pain. i feel like everything that i can enjoy out of any human relationship has just officially eroded away. everything is so wrong!and i dun think i was hallucinating. i examined all my relationships..from family to isaac and...honestly, its a harrowing sight. its too far from where i envisioned it to be. esp in the area of isaac, he hazznt been having it easy at all. and alot of it..is my fault. its hard to admit it but its so painful coming to terms with that. he once said that 'jesus is his joy and i am his happiness here on earth'. i think i've strayed so far from that. so far...

so yesterday the Lord delivered a word to me. thru supernatural means once again coz i was just stuck in a rut called confusion. He told me that everything that has been eroded away will be restored much more..QUICKLY. quickly is the key word here coz i'm not the most patient saint you have around. andHe said that He is rebuilding me. ok..i honestly scorned at this coz i thot He was tearing me down all over again but thats fine oso...i like it when Hez all in charge and i am nothing. i hate to be something although i honestly am so inclined to be try to be something. He is also restoring my joy coz im a sad morose creature these days.

so today...i asked HIm again. why allow these trials?He just toldme very gently and lovingly that its actualy the perfect season to allow me to go into this mode and allow Him in and ask myself these painful questions. imagine if this happened 10 years down when we're married with kids. wun it be even worse. now i see the big picture. how Hes building me up...intervening with areas that are so wrong abt me.about us. and restoring and i'm seeing Him as my all in all in this area. even this is so tempered with His grace and mercy and love. He is so involvedin every single area of my life. i can't make it without Him.and i dun wanto make it without him.

i have nothing to go on with but hope in Him alone.and if grace brought me here, it'll bring me all the way there.i have Him to lean on.phew.

thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
the joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
thy free grace alone from the first to the last
hath won my affections and bound my soul fast

without thy sweet mercy i cld not live here
sin would reduce me to utter despair
but thru thy free gdness my spirits revived
and He that first made me still keeps me alive

thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
dissolved by thy gdness, i fall to the ground
and weep for the praise of the mercy i found
great father of mercies, thy gdness i own
and the covenant love of thy crucified son
all praise to the spirit whose whisper divine
seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine








disgruntled.

blogger sux.its like..i typed in a real long entry yesterday and it just disappeared forever in a flash.and its not even the first time it happened. i hope someone from blogger.com is reading this. this place needs help. its not even remotely close to easy to upload photos and this has nothing to do with my handicap in all things IT related.

urgh.

"they say you live in hospitals and trenches
and towers in the sky
and i'm not dying or fighting any wars
except on the inside.

the only thing i need is a void that you can fill
and i jump ship and run even further in your will

and i am looking for the well that wun run dry
the rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
when you wrap your arms around me
i can walk away
and face...the emptiest day

the words i find impossible to mention
are written on a star
they say that i can find you in a flower
but i need you in the car

the optimism of my youth is dead and gone
but i'll save these speculations for another time and song

and life is only perceived thru chemicals and emotions
but love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean"


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

sought after, redeemed, beloved.

"as the waters cover the sea
so your love covers me
guiding me on, roads unknown
i trust in You alone"-saving grace

He'll crown my head with lasting songs of joy. i'll take heart and do nothing.every valley made high and mountain made low.

"for the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in it, thanksgiving and the voice of melody"isaiah 51

i really can't wait to flourish.its a dry period. not in the spiritual sense. i'm seeing the bible more as my lifeline and i'm fellowshipping with Him like every other moment because...Hez the only one around.=)

but Hez perfect company. praise God.

isaiah is truly my favourite book in the bible. so much so that if i were to have a son, i would so much like to name him isaiah. but then again,it mightnot be the best idea since its hard to pronounce the name for the average singaporean..and his name will prob end up being 'ai sai...ah"it sounds horrible i know.

in the book of isaiah, God has spoken so clearly and i feel almost like the pathetic errant jerusalem. in this book , you see so much of His undying love, His gentle side . How everything is so comforting ..His words. inspite of the harsh tenuous conditions that afflict and surround poor israel. sometimes i feel so much like them and the words spoken by Him so loong ago just bring so much comfort and peace. like i can rest in nothing but His arms of love. nothing can placate me but His voice. no one can tell me that 'everythings goin tob e all right' but HIm alone. sometimes , it almost feels as if NOTHING can be alright but..its ok.Hez my God so i will be. everything can go wrong for all icare...coz thats the norm aniwae.

"with Christ in the vessel i can smile at the storm"

at least i have an eternal friend and companion in this Jesus. and thats really morethan enough. even when its so upheavalish all around..Hez unchanging and stable. even when i need to finish my essay soon and ihavent started...HEz stillcalm. even though He loves me so. even when i messedup big time in all the areas possible, He knows how to patch things up.i cant wait for the day whereby i can see Him face to face and hug him. i really can't. and with everyday that i live, i thank God i'm one day closer to THAT day.yay.=)

many years as a young girl , Jesus once appeared to me in the flesh and i was so in shock i couldnt even move. i remember this experience rather vividly.every thought that flashed in my mind ..i can remember. even today.after so many years. you really cant forget experiences like these and well...my mind was so frozen at that moment there werent many thoughts that got thru in the first place so its not that hard to remmeber. i remember the first thing he said to me was 'do not fear". only until recently that i realised that that IS HIS trademark line. coz when He meets pple, everywhere in the bible u see Him saying 'do not fear..do not be afraid.." and today i can hear Him saying that to me again. when i'm so unsure. about everythingin life. when i feel so alone and small in this great big unfriendly world. its real nice to know that you can rest and not be afraid coz even the great big unfriendly world is HIs footstool and Hez on ur side. thats the clincher. it really sux to be on the opposite camp with a God like this and my heart goes out to the lost and the wandering. at least i only can FEEL lost.

"and you shall be called Sought OUt, a city not forsaken."isaiah 62




Sunday, August 22, 2004

churching

getting to church is such a challenge these days. i turned up for 4th on my own and i thought..wow no queue..can go walk walk and be back in 20 mins.

20 mins later: someone told me the ticketing system starts today!and i havent got a ticket so run run and get ticket. got the ticket..thought.."still early..go walk walk somemore"

10 mins later:after toilet and careefouring, i came back and wah got such a long queue like there was NO ticketin system. of coz i joined the queue..only to realise like 45 mins later...i din hafta queue because i already got the tix. so all in all..despite being ultra confused..i got 3rd row seats. not close enuff to see pastor prince's pores but close enough to be spotted by the camera here and there and if i fall asleep...he can see.

but its all worth it. just like last weeks amazing race experience before getting to church...i believe this is the day of my breakthrough.end of chronic fatigue and alot of other health related probs. the holy communion makes more sense than ever today and im more excited abt it than ever.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

raised

you raise me up

when i am down and, oh my soul, so weary
when troubles come and my heart burdened be
then, i am still and wait here in the silence
until you come and sit awhile with me

you raise me up,so i can stand on mountains
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
i am strong, when i am on you shoulders
you raise me up ...to more than i can be

there is no life-no life without its hunger
each restless heart beats so imperfectly
but when you come and i am filled with wonder
sometimes, i think i glimpse eternity

"i need thee every hour, in joy or pain
come quickly and abide, or life is vain"

Friday, August 20, 2004

mgs

im so relieved!

love mgs finally concluded and well...praise God!

saw so many many people and classmates today and when i saw them, something inside me just broke. i felt the love of God towards them. of coz there were those few that i didnt like but even then, i was surprised i didnt feel a trace of animousity or whatsoever. must be Jesus. still didnt want to really talk to them but..at least im there whereby i can look at them and smile and that is something really. its somewhere that i nv thot i'd reach. i din even think i could bring myself to acknowledge them as people but hey..it happened. praise God.i know that most people prob wouldnt hv trouble with something so small and trivial but i really cant conceal any bit of dislike in me and considering i came from a place whereby my thoughts towards them were so violent and gory....which i can't even put here even if you guys are reading this entry with parental guidance(PG) or whatever..i still can't. some pple really activated my flesh bac then and it only takes God to really love them.

the experience of seeing all these people who used to matter so much in my life in good and bad ways right before my eyes after such long periods of absence again was overwhelming. i was the same old xinying to them all over again and although ican barely identify with that old me that is really now nothing but history....all those memories jsut flooded back all over again. there i saw myself as an insecure 14 year old in braces deep in envy of my friends who are so pretty and popular, as a 15 year old , plain confused and yah just blur. at 16, excited and naive and naive and naive and blur.

innocent, naive, gullible and blur. these few words sum up all about me in my adolescence. and my frens can so testify tothat. i miss those friendships but i dunno how in the world i can go back to where i was before and for them to be like how they were for us to enjoy those friendships agian. we're all such different people now and its impossible to just 'catch up'. its not possible and unfair to condense 5-6 years of our life experiences w/o each other into a few hrs and expect other pple to understand. i know some of my frens really wanto 'catch up' and they are truly interested and sincere coz we shared so much together before...and i know they love me too...but its just tooo difficult and that alone really saddens me.

i saw the girl who first brought me to church years ago when i was churchless..and i just love her so much. we fought in sec 3 and became friends again in sec 4 but now although we're still friends, the friendship is so 'diluted' as i watch the present girls today in groups giggling and teasing each other....i saw history replay itself. my history and oh my..i just miss all that so much and i really want my friends to come to know Jesus as He wants to be known to them. some of my friends have got 'loster' than they already were and i know how lost i was and how scary that felt.i just pray that God will give e the chance opportunity and favour to bring this precious friend to church and help her rediscover the savior that she once was so in love with.

it was in this school so many years ago that Jesus found me and that i started a relationship with Him and it is through some of these people that He extended His love to me. and it meansso much even till today.


Thursday, August 19, 2004

small talk

i actually did update my blog although no one sees anything new. i had a wonderful revelation yesterday and i typed and typed and got so excited i forgot to publish it..as in i did not hit the publish button and i offed my computer coz i was so tired.

i know this is totally impressive but yah..i did it again.

today was absolutely tiring and its the first time i slept on the bus since a loong time ago. was coming back home from town and tadah.cannot tahan. i usually dun fall asleep on the bus but this time...i din even realise when i fell asleep. nonetheless,today was good. had alot of good food for reasonable prices. even better.and i did alot of unofficial exercise. running up and down sch. of coz isaac thinks that its called walking up and down sch and its a sore point of contention between the both of us but thats NOT the point. he can say that in his own weblog. here, you hear my version.

and of coz its the truth

in my opinion, nus is honestly nothing but a huge furnace. somehow, no wind passes thru. because of the structure of all the buildings, the layout etc, wind just stops even though we're 5 minutes from the sea. its a maze and its not fun. pple are hot tempered and the weather is hot. not warm but hot hot hot.scorching hot and i cant take heat too well. i get all grouchy and whiny and sulky and then i will hear isaac says things like"its a torture with you..its oso a torture without u".u pple decode that urselves. i dunno how to close one eye or shut one ear and just hear half the sentence...its a tough dilemma BUT TOO BAD.hez stuck.hahahah

apart from all that, im so in love with mushrooms these days. as in those that are edible and taste good. and its so cool except for the fact that i wished i knew howto cook it or at least let it be a more common dish in spore. alas, neither of it is true and it really breaks my heartt.boohoo.

i refuse to think of much of anything else except food right now because there is just so much work to do already. and its mind boggling. i really dun wanto be stressed and tired and upset and cranky all over again. i just need so so so much grace because..well..im basically me. i need all the help heaven has to offer because i simply have none to offer.

its so sad but true but if paul can delight in his weaknesses and infirmities, i hope hes delighting even more now because he has company!me lor!yay.im close to clueless abt certain lectures and the thought of getting down to any form of work is just..plain sian.i dun even noe how to start soemtimes.if i could, i'll just sit down and cross my legs and pray it all away. as in until i get raptured. coz learning is fun until u hafta regurgitate all the information. its so ridiculous. i thot they said bulimia is wrong and its sick and it causes death?den why are they making us do this with learning?pui.pui pui.

speaking of that however, oneguy in my class, short of crossing his legs on the chair did sit in throughout the entire lecture with his posture completely straight and with both his hands on his lap with the palms facing towards the sky. for new creationers, its the simple 'ah ummm ' position that pastor prince so often jokes abt. the whole zen thing.it startled me quite abit but it cracks me up so much i get so tempted to poke and tickle him. he just sits there and darzen take notes nothing...and its the same lecture with the lecturer that looks so much like Jesus. some ppl call him the tom cruise lookalike and the last samurai but i seriously thinks he looks like Jesus. one day i'll show u guys the foto. but its ok....dunno if my lect is christian but i've got Jesus living inside me all right and all i have to do is look within me...and tadah peekaboo...there He is. my sweet sweet savior...

soblessed.thats enuff. sometimes u see all sorts of things and pple in sch..ie lemon tree and all...but i've got the walking tree of life inside me. and thats the coolest thing i know in NUS.




Sunday, August 15, 2004

the chilli queen writes...

went supermarketing at carrefour today after a wonderful service and despite having like less than 10 items, i insisted on getting us a trolley and tadah.BIG mistake. it was so difficult to "drive" that trolley arnd in carrefour on sunday because it was just so jam packed. nevertheless, we had fun...or so i would like to believe. had to fight temptation to put everything edible into the trolley but alas it was done...and we went to join the 200m long queue for the cashiers.

oh oh we bought the fantastic huge otah today too.and it was so good and the fish bits they put into the otah were so generous and huge. so happy. praise the lord!but isaac cannot tahan. i thot it was quite hot for otah but isaac just..gave up halfway. im officially the reigning chilli queen in this relationship..hehe!=)but i do admit lah...its really quite hot.

singapore is officially too crowded.either that or half of the population decided to congregate at suntec city TODAY. not just in church but in carrefour in the train stations everywhere. getting to the service alone today was quite an adventure.felt like a participant in the amazing race. was eventually relegated to the overflow room but the service was worth it. we went up and down stairs to find entry/exits blocked and had to make strange detours in unknown stairwells. we even chanced upon a very lost lady and together the 4 of us( isaac, me, lady and Jesus) managed to get out and get into church. at last.and by then i was panting thirsty and all..from the workout. God knows how much i need exercise. all things work out for my good..yipee.

i guess sunday is my favourite day of the week despite it being the day before monday. but it just requires so much more energy.being a part of new creation and the suntec city crowd, its impossible to expect a languid slow sunday. whereby you have at least 5 cm sq of space to urself to breathe and just...glide thru life. it only happens if u haf shalom on the inside coz the outside is nothing but a blase reflection of how much more land we shd be reclaiming. its just not good.u get my drift....

apart from that and my new hairstylewhich has been garnering a number of ' omy god!"s from people i know...theres nothing else. well..pretty much so. i honestly think my new hairstyle is barely anything at all.its just a very different look since i've had long hair for such a long time but its not like its spikey or i dyed it pink.i still look quite normal wat.hmph.

sch is moving on fast and well. think bullet train in japan/france. yah. readings are streaming..or rather gushing in and the new library is not too geared up for this.somehow they're like slow and they no longer serve it on a first come first serve basis. coz everything is so messy. however, i think by the sheer grace and favor of God, i get served first!tadah.with pple whove been there since stone age fuming away. its fine with me. i belong to the heaven age aniwae.

tut registration tmr.by the same favour of God that is on Jesus christ...i expect to get all the slots i want.which is pretty much the norm for me for the past 5 sems aniwae...sch ends at 8 tmr...staying awake wld require more grace than ever...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

short hair.

now my hair darzen compete with me when im eating.hallehlujah
it still takes a long time to dry
it takes less shampoo and conditioner
i look younger

shorrt hair..


Thursday, August 12, 2004

hair scare

tonight is the last night i need to spend forever to blowdry my hair
tonight is the last night i can smell my hair
coz tmr it wun be able to reach my nose
tonight is the last night i can go without combing my hair
(actually i nv do comb my hair but with long hair it shows but short hair less obvious)
tonight is the last night i have long hair


im so nervous pple.i have made the final decision to chop my locks. and the last time i had anything close to short was like 3-4 years ago which is a pretty long time.pretty nervous.feels as though i'm getting married tmr.

bahhhh

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

ooh busy busy!

my success is more important to Him than to me. success in ALL areas.

i thought i'd better get that down before i forget.which im tempted to.

2nd day of school and its already a case of info overload. plus the fact that i'm not feeling all too good physically due to the previous bout of flu/ throat infection. yea. but God is good. so tempted to go back into the flesh and just walk by my very limited and thus drained 'self sufficiency' mode but it was impossible. i just couldnt not because things have hcanged so much!even nus canteen has been revamped!and of coz..me..

the whole sch luks so different now!(ok maybe not the whole sch but at least the library and canteen and the coop.)but for a no-sense-of-direction-being...its pretty much the whole sch and it does require some orientating!i feel like a first year student or even worse..a complete stranger in this land. but i do feel the sense of awe and excitement. finally we have a library that darzen stink and breed nothing but bacteria. and it really looks so good now i actually can beexcited abt spending time there...well..whateva is left of the 2 semesters before i head out into the big big world with nothing but my dreams and my God.

so far the lecturers already gave us a very good sense of how much work we'll be required to do and im tempted to scream already. the readings..oh God i can see them piling up in my mind and they are as tall as...the 72 storey hotel we have thats opposite suntec that used to be called the westin stamford. its almost nerve-wracking and i kept having to remind myself that everythings cool and Jesus has it all under control and the holy spirit is my DIVINE helper.i'll get thru this sem fine. amen.

im more determined than ever to sit back and just watch Him work for me instead of sit back and panic and cry and die. which i'm really inclined to given that i've started exhibiting signs of ...kiasuism.basically the traits of a typical singaporean.and not to mention, its a 6 module sem.

not that i dun plan to work but i plan to go with the flow in me and just FOLLOW.not going to run arnd like a maniac in the library and worry worry anymore. really. its hard to trust grace when i cant fathom at all how in the world i can just...relax in such situations but fortunately...its the only choice i have. and thats the route i'm going to take. to trust HIm, rest and let HIm lead. everythings goin to be so blessed!

amen.

that aside...theres really nothing else. when sch starts, i dun seem to remember living any other aspect of my life but that is hopefully going to change this sem. =) .yay!and the new canteen brings good tidings too!except for the fact that the japanese stall now sux and the fantastic teriyaki salmon is now a part of history. unfortunately, not the history i study and take exams for. somehow it just didnt come back and the new stall kinda..well..sux. isaac and i are still mourning the loss of our beloved teriyaki salmon. hez taking it worse than me infact because that was the one thing he'd eat 4 days a week. and thats because he has a 4 day week.its sad and i'm helping him cope with the loss but such things are hard to get over....i know...because i've been there....

but God is good!we'll be restored much more..goin to check out the new business canteen soon!and that will..hopefully cheer us up..=)

ooh btw i so wanted to go watch the one movie no one else wants to watch and guess what! i got free tix for it blessed by my Father in heaven!praise Jesus so happy!shalala.i couldnt find anyone to watch it and finally dear isaac was sweet enuff to agree to watch it with me despite knowing full well that it'd be a waste of money and time for him coz he'd absolutely hate that show..haha but JEsus provided and now he darzen haf to!someone just came along and gave me free tix!bless that brother!


"let your work appear to Your sevants, and Your glory to their children. and let the beauty of the Lord our God beupon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; Yes, establish the work of our hands"-prayer of moses.and may i add...xinying.=)


Monday, August 09, 2004

before i sleep...

still feel like crap.its almost 11 pm and sch starts in about 12 hrs time and at the state i am, i dunno how in the world i'm going to survive tmr. except by sheer grace and a miracle.

the cough is keeping me quite awake and frustrated. my face is pale and grey. im starting my final varsity year with a cough.and alot of grace. praise Jesus.

more miracles in store.more grace abounding. otherwise i might as well quit now. its a 6 module this sem. not by choice of coz but i am more than a conqueror thru christ Jesus. amen amen.

not feeling too excited about sch. i just need to rest and rest the cough away. but time is not on my side. fortunately, God of wonders is. i can only rely on that. mercy relief. i wanto enjoy what is left of my time in NUS despite having lamented abt it for the past 4 semesters. its grace that brought me here and it'll be grace that sees me thru. grace and grace alone and i don't want it to slip by like some forgotten era in my life. like my jc years. i want something out of it. a lasting memory that is NOT china history or anything else along these lines. i need to take something more than classroom experience home with me. surely God put me here for a reason besides getting a bachelor's that He himself darzen care about. so far, i havent exactly pinpointed what it is but i hope to find out this semester.

this sem i'll be returning to school as a new me altogether. i have nothing to hold on to after the journey i took during the so called holidays. i have with me not old expertise that i can cling on to but grace alone. and His hand to hold. thats all. but im sure that'll be more than enough and will reap me even better results that will exceed my own expectations. because thats what happens when u let God be God. and you take your place..as a child.

unfortunately, i am a little late in allowing this to happen in my life. but better late than never.. at least i caught it. it will be a struggle to walk not by my flesh and try to be self sufficient...relying on what i know and my own resources to get things done...but nevertheless, i'm determined to not intervene. enough of all that.

rest is the key to victory this sem. simply because victory is already mine.


chosen

"You did not choose Me, but i chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in my name He may give you"

Hez right. i didn't choose Him but was chosen instead. and of all people...me. He could have chosen anyone of a better calibre but He did not. instead it was me He that hewn out of the rock, dug out of the pit that He chose to be called by His name, to be established in His righteousness, to be joint heirs with Him, to receive love the way only He can give..the way only I know how to receive.

it takes a mighty God to choose me because i simply am devoid of anything good to offer Him. yet He came did all that was necessary. and He nv stopped toiling when it comes to watching out for me, being there for me, loving me and providing all that i ever want or need.

its humbling.to know that i can be the one who now carries the name of Jesus christ, and that He lives in me inspite of me. that i'm perfectly righteous and holy. that i'm indeed royalty.

today i lay in bed, in my own words.."half dead". yesterday night was a harrowing experience coz i think i came pretty close or maybe i was already there to an asthma attack. was honestly scared. i can't describe that kinda fear but it grips u so bad you're just immbolized.can't even think of anything else. today, the symptoms did not exactly alleviate so i finally went to the doctor and took my medication dutifully. and it just knocked me out flat.

had to struggle just to open my eyes and there and then i would hv felt completely alone but instead i felt His presence just lingering in my room. He was there all along. not just watching but i believe that He was speeding up the healing process and basically just being there for me..the presence was so strong i just wept. in a place whereby i was confronted by a multitude of enemies trying to wreak havoc and chaos in my life and the temple of the living God, He was there to provide comfort and basically, fend off all the enemies. i was just praying before this before that ' lord, minister to me the way u noe i need to be ministered and just..show me expressions of your love in this time whereby you seem to be so far away" and tadah. He did it. for me.again.

i dunno wat else to say but thank you thank you and thank you.






Saturday, August 07, 2004

blab blab blab

today:

1)live recording of my church's worship album.not bad although i thot the color scheme and some other things were quite hilarious.but nvm.its not my opinion that counts.

2)i finally finally realized i'm 21 and what that truly truly means and it makes me wanto scream.
well i did scream.
2a)im legal for so many things!i can apply for hdb buy this and that, watch a RA movie and get married without parental consent!
of coz i'm gg to do NONE of the above because of alot of other reasons which are so besides the point.
3)i ate alot of chicken.first it was mos chicken which is having a promotion now...prices are slashed from $2.80 to $1.90 and despite having lost my voice just two days ago..i cldnt resist it.den during dinner, isaac was eating chicken again. i dun understand how he can be so insensitive but he managed to( again) and was enjoying his chicken and fingers so much my pain (from watching and not being able to partake and sheer deprivation)became a total non-issue.

3a)either that or it was NEVER an issue but i choose to believe the best in him. 1 cor 14..its somewhere there.
den i came home and my mum sorta gently reminded me that there was FRIED chicken.some leftovers from my brothers dinner and this time...despite telling her to put it away because my throat aint that well...i couldnt stop thinking abt it animore. temptation was beyond me this time.

so after she kept it in the fridge, i went to dig it out and i just ate and ate and ate and ate.

3b)was kinda disgusted with myself but therez hardly anything new to me or to any of you i believe. Jesus is my righteousness and hallehlujah!you all realise better than i do that if i existed under the old covenant, i'd have been stoned for gluttony.sigh. things like these make me appreciate the new covenant even more.praise Jesus lah.

4)i failed to buy my hp accessory thing.the previous one i had was stolen and i loved it so so much.got cute monkeys all over and now the shop or rather..cart at cityhall which i bought it from the other time is no longer there. ahh God restoration ar!

5)tmr is isaac's first day serving as backup in childrens church!hallehlujah!i am very excited and would like to sit in for their service but i think it'd be kinda weird coz i'll obviously not be very inconspicuous. and i'm obviously not there for any other reason...so...its not very nice.and i dun want the rest of the world to think that hez got a stalker gf..because half the world already thought so when he was working sometime back and isomehow was at the workplace ever so often. but i thot that was rather well disguised coz its a shopping area after all and i can pass off as a shopper but i fooled no one.

evaluation: it sounds like i lead an extraordinarily boring life but thats not true. i've had my fair share of excitement and i don't exactly relish it. besides, i just dreamt of going to m'sia with a gf and andy lau(I REALLY DUNNO WHY) two nights ago. outside reality, i do have a fairly exciting life that most normal folks will nv get to experience.


Friday, August 06, 2004

shocking news!

i got a new bf today!

sent the old one for a much needed haircut despite his pleas and repeated requests to be able to keep his hair long...just put him in the seat..and uttered a prayer..went for some tea..and 1/2 hr later..new bf!

well at least i can see his face now instead of just hair hair and hair. hooray!and its spunkier and the way i wanted it.haha. God is on my side.praise the Lord.i say this because he showed the hairdresser a pic of how he wanted it and i uttered a prayer and told God.."just give me what i want..." and it came out the way i wanted it!the poor hairdresser must have felt somewhat demoralized when he saw that his customer wazznt all too satisfied but oh well...rest easy..something supernatural just took place and its not ur fault!

-the fervent effective prayer of the righteous WOman avails much-ok mine not exactly fervent but effective enuff.

*gloats*I WIN!

that aside..today was t-o-u-g-h

the weather didnt help much and the fact that the lying symptoms were still manifesting in my body made it doubly worse. it was a miracle i made it to bs expelling mucus from my system all the way. by the time i reached church, i was so drained and spent already. literally. coz i was draining mucus and i spent whateva little money i had.

but praise God this is so not a reflection of what i truly have and what i truly am in CHRIST.
tadah. the sermon was sooo awesome i actually managed to stay concious even after all the tiring mucus drainage process. the skin under my nose hurts so much because of all the nose rubbing and blowing. and i do feel rather dehydrated but im actually at peace.one of the rare moments esp when i've been so..under law the past few mths thinking i'm self sufficient and i need to do something on my own to get somewhere. this msg really coincides with what God has been trying to address in my personal walk which is hardly surprising since He happened to oso be the one who authored the sermon..seems like..HE really wants me to get the point.

hmm.i'm really alot more in love with the new covenant now that i'm so seeing how awful the law covenant was and how i wld have tong tong changed long ago under the old and how easy the new covenant has been made for me. in a flash (during worship) i saw the father looking at Jesus' nail pierced hands and saying this in such a loving manner ...almost adoring..."i SOOO love the new covenant" and Jesus just nodded and beamed. =) so as they were both smiling i watched on and i started raining tears. but praise God for grace coz with nose and eyes both actively raining...its a miracle im not dehyrdrated.its just...i dunno.go imagine it urself pple..its beyond words.


Thursday, August 05, 2004

lost and found!my voice.

woke up today to find out that my voice eloped with my sleep. not that it was a good sleep aniwae...but i needed the voice!i simply cannot not talk!

so yah.tired groggy and voiceless.

felt like i was floating half the time because of the medication. did i oso mention that my nose was marathoning?yah.but after the medication, i felt like i needed something more to counter the side effects of the medication. things werent going too well.pui.i dununderstand why i bother with medicine sometimes.-angry-

had to climb out of bed despite all the grogginess to go back tothe office to hand up my timesheet so i can be paid...people in the office looked worse than me and were just slaving away so hard i felt so much better abt myself. my ex collegues cld barely look away from their computer screens for a minute. seeing them like that..makes me feel.....

so much better for myself.

oops.

praise God though. after partaking of the lord's supper my nose miraculously cleared up quite a bit. as in i cld actually smell things although i still cant taste anithing and i cld talk!was so happy.missed my voice so much i wanted to scream.before that i couldnt even quack or cluck.it was that bad.when i answered the fone.but obviously not everyone shares the same sentiments. its ok.im happy!shalala...

went to eat marble cheesecake at secret recipe to celebrate after that. its shooo goood. isaac said he was so full but i shdve known better.once i started eating, he 'partook' of my dear beloved cheesecake and suddenly i was supposed to be sharity elephant and share my dear beloved cheesecake. but share i did...albeit reluctantly. and he refused to let me order another one when i so obviously so did not have enough of my dear beloved cheesecake. but its ok...we're gg to church tmr and on sat and on sun!so we can haf marble cheesecake for 3 more days as secret recipe is just beside carrefour! God is so good..moved secret recipe from holland area to so many places just for ME. bahahah. its the only malaysian thing i like.

thus concludes my rather uneventful day. still groggy but i'll 'tong' till 11...or rather 12 coz OC will be on tv!! "california here we come....caleeeeefourrrneeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

zzzz.

pray pray pray for me.



Wednesday, August 04, 2004

we will dance

i've watched the sun rise in your eyes
and i've seen the tears fall like the rain
you've seen me fight so brave and srong
you've held my hand when i'm afraid
we've watched the seasons come and go
we'll see them come and go again
but in winter's chill or summer's breeze
one thing will not be changing

we will dance
when the sun is shining and in the pouring rain
we'll spin and we'll sway
and we will dance
when the gentle breeze becomes a hurricane
the music will play and i'll take your hand and hold you close to me...
and we will dance

-steven curtin chapman-

i must be truly blessed.
it is a difficult place to be at to decide to journey thru life with me in a human vessel and i know one who can attest to that because it takes an unimaginable vast supply of commitment and love. and this love can only be provided from the source of love itself. the essence of love himself.

to my precious one..thank you.its been tough and i dunno why u hang on and how you do it. for all the times that i've been a wretched mess, an empty shell...i dunno how you coped and how He sustained you.but im so thankful. . so proud.praise Jesus praise Jesus praise Jesus.

the past few mths have been more than difficult. and in my opinion,if this is the place of brokeness that i'm journeying to...so that God can be God and i can cease taking over as His personal assistant and even assuming his duties every now and then, i'm almost micro milled.

lesson learnt:there is no God but HIM. alone.
God does not have a personal assistant.

i think its finally over. that phase of my life. i can see light breaking through and although still apprehensive, i can honestly say i can now look forward to good in my life. the first fruits.not talking abt the physical realm. the storms have not necesarily blown over but inside me..something is settled.

faithfulness.patience.grace.

these words mean so much more to me than ever before. new meaning has been shed regarding them.

i feel like a new person.i think i am.

congratulations Jesus.you have a new me to live your life through.dun let me get in your way again.please.

when i stand on the edges of jordan
with the saints and the angels beside
when my body is healed, and the glory revealed
still i can boast only Christ

-caedmons call..awake my soul.-



Tuesday, August 03, 2004

the NECK

If any of you ever wondered who the neck in the body of Christ is, let me reveal the answer now.

Its yours truly.
Or at least that’s the way I’ve been behaving for the most recent part of my Christian walk.

A certain man of God called Isaac quek whom im currently in a relationship with clearly is the leader in the relationship. In theory.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, messiah of the world whom I am ALSO enjoying a wonderful relationship with is also the leader in the relationship. According to the word of God.

But the ‘reality’ I’ve been living in simply indicates otherwise. In the case of mr Isaac quek, I gently ‘affect’ the choice of ALL his/our decisions. when it darzen work, i throw a huge tantrum. and it still darzen work...some days he just wants to be firm.and i cant help that..

In the case of the Lord Jesus Christ, its even more embarrassing. Sometimes, He is forced to cease operation completely while I just..go on and on ..and on..on my own. And He just follows me around, in complete silence. I wonder if He is too stunned watching me go around in creating my foolish messes but He really does not say a thing and simply waits and watches.

THE NECK DECIDES WHERE THE HEAD TURNS
So much for being the head in both scenarios, I obviously hold the reins of the unofficial power. Alas!i was never called to this position ever in my life and its been extremely tiring not to mention draining. My refusal to rest is driving 3 pple nuts. Ok maybe not Jesus but I can’t say the same for mr Isaac quek.

And I apologize. The neck hurts a lot as a result of these unnecessary twisting turning and busying and is going to retire for good. Occasionally, there might be FALSE signs of reassuming the duties of the head but I am no senior minister wannabe. I am quitting the scene for GOOD.

Feel free to remind me if you need to. I promise I will not snap. I might even appreciate it.(if I’m in the right mood)
And the nxt time I sing “lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I’m awake….lord have your way in me”….i’ll remember that it actually means SOMETHING …and something very important.

selah

soliloquy

the searing pain didn't cease until He spoke
the storm didn't calm until He awoke
my broken heart didnt mend until He showed me how deceived i was
my joy can't be full until i see His finished work on the cross

demons flee at the mention of His name
if i'd knew the real power vested in me,
i'd have done the same.
but blinded and deceived, i succumbed in defeat
until He showed me, whats under His feet

the truth if i'd known earlier,
was the source of all power
yet i let it lay dormant,
convinced that the condition was permanent

slow to believe, the word of Him who loved me perfectly
instead i trodded down the path of self-sufficiency
only to realise that the journey was leading nowhere
lost, and to end up in a state of utter despair

yet that very promise still stands true
even when i strayed and became a fool
that He would never leave nor forsake
and a way back home, for me He'll surely make

a sweet fore-taste
of His sweet amazing grace
has left me resolved, that only one thing is needful
that all else comes to nought
but to sit at the feet of Jesus Christ,
Son of the living God.

rest is truly all thats required,
to experience the victory already acquired.
zion is my final resting place and home
where i devour His joy and sweet shalom







Sunday, August 01, 2004

urgh

complications have risen in my life. i don't know at all how to handle them. i am in conflict..with..myself.

while i want to be alone and shut the world out...the reason that propelled this desire is because i've been feeling so ..alone in the midst of all the mayhem. i just need some form of refuge.seek political asylum. i relive the war era in my house everyday...every waking moment that exists under this roof i am supposed to call home is filled with unrest.

why do i still call them family when there is so little love? when we fight for survival...with each other...i dont' understand and i never will. not that i want to but i think its high time some dicipline is enforced and despite repeated appeals to the high court be it God or the church, little is done and the tyrant gets away. caught up in all the deception and being the wonderful ally of the enemy...succeeding in aggravating every bad situation and just basically, tear everyone else down.

its a constant fight living in such an environment and i really can't wait to be rid of this. its even easier to sleep on a table in a crowded fast food restaurant on a sat afternoon than in this very house because warfare is raging all the time. accusations and all...in full gory.

with a parent like this, one truly darzen need enemies.

i think i'll put myself up for adoption. but considering i just turned 21...this might be just a tad difficult.